The Muddler - September 09

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Volume Three, Issues 1 & 2 September 2009

A Muddler Special Message: To Incoming Freshman Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep house. Sexual assault is no laughing matter, but Sig Eps are. Michael Jackson’s tomb sealed extra tight for fear of fans attempting “Thriller” video remakes. Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep house. Sig Ep house no longer safe place to watch Battlestar Galactica.

Dayly Campus keeps former editorin-chief on staff. Studies show that no one else wanted to helm the sinking ship. Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep house. Wait, there were girls at the Sig Ep house? Nasa tests new rocket booster in Utah desert, releasing more hot air than the last town hall meeting on healthcare. Sexual assault reported at Sig Ep house. SAEs promise to step up their game.

Help make the print media redundantly irrelevant. Subscribe to the digital version of The Muddler. Send an email to ‘themuddler. [email protected]’.

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Fall and Swine Flu are in the air, But to make life just a little bit and that means only one thing: easier for you, we’d like to presschool has begun at Southern ent the ultimate freshman cheat Methodist Universheet: sity. We here at the 1) Never look R. Muddler welcome Gerald Turner in everyone back the eyes. If you do, with open arms, compliment him except those who on his fountains have Swine Flu. and be on your You can fuck off. way. But most of all, 2) For football we’d love to welgames, get drunk come our incoming before the boulefreshmen. It’s a vard, spend time great time being a there stumbling Don’t laugh, it’s part of the mandafreshman: pulling tory attire around from tent all nighters, having to tent, then go to passive aggressive post-it note the game, and leave no later than arguments with your roommate, halftime. hooking up with random people 3) Men must dress alike -- polo in your residence hall, guiltily shirts, khaki shorts, Sperry Topbreaking up with your long-disSiders, and Ray Bans on croakies. tance high school sweetheart, So essentially, like a little child going to the health center to see dressing up like a 50 year old exactly what you caught from the country club member. random people in your residence 4) Any non-BMWs must park off hall, the first time you read the campus. Dayly Campus, the first time you 5) Read The Muddler. We are the were disappointed by the qualsecond funniest paper on camity of the Dayly Campus (same pus. event), et cetera.

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure; he enjoys fine Cuban cigars and human halieutics. He can be reached at ‘[email protected]’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

Dear Mr. Cornwallis, I’m a 16-year-old male high school sophomore in what I think is a pretty common predicament. A lot of my friends have had sex, and some are having it pretty regularly. Sadly, I’ve never even kissed a girl! How can I deflect attention from myself when my friends ask me how far I’ve gone? And what can I do to make sure I am not in this spot forever? Help Me Please, Flowered Fellow

Dear Christian, We are hoping you can settle a small dispute. My husband and I have a soon-to-be 2-year-old. Her birthday is next month, and we will be celebrating at a local park with lots of kids from day care. Is it OK to offer beer and wine to the parents? We just want to know -- is it OK to have alcohol at a child’s birthday party? We will wait to see what you have to say. Regards, Moonshine Momma Dear MM, Finally someone is ready to throw a party that everyone can enjoy. If a party isn’t serving alcohol, it should at least be BYOB. That’s why I always have a bottle of 1907 Heidsieck on chill in the limo. Children should learn from an early age that daddy needs a few drinks to really love mommy. Cheers, Christian Cornwallis ------------------------------------------------Dear Christian, I slept with my former employee, “Ken,” several months ago while my boyfriend, “Vinny,” and I were seperated. Because I was his boss, the affair was short-lived, and Vinny and I reconciled. When I discovered I was pregnant, Vinny and I eloped. I’m not positive this is Vinny’s baby, so I told him everything. Now Vinny wants me to tell Ken and his wife that I need a paternity test. I’m afraid that bringing this out will bring some serious repercussions. What should I do?

FF, Many men have a problem getting it up or keeping it up. Don’t be ashamed. Millions of dollars are spent by men across the country on countless products to make sure that you can be “harder and last longer”. As for your friends, do what I always do: don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story.

At Your Mercy, Hopeful Homewrecker

Best, Christian Cornwallis

Congratulations, Christian

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Dear HH, Seeing as you’re a boss, I’m assuming you’re a man. Therefore, I think it’s amazing that as a man you were able to conceive a child with either “Ken” or “Vinny”.

The Muddler

Operation Sellout 2009 Kind Park ‘n Pony Plans More Big Changes of, Sort of a Success SMU-- SELL OUT 2009, the foottechnically every seat was bought ball program’s plan to sell out beforehand, most by corporate every home sponsors. Yet, game, was kind because evof a success ery seat still over the weekwasn’t filled, end. Apparone can take ently it is just as that to mean great a success that SMU can’t to “technically” even give their sell out every tickets away. seat than to Sell out? have people sit Maybe our in them. dignity. June Jones announces the success of OperaSMU was It should tion Sell Out 2009 at a press conference on proud to anthe U.S.S. Lincoln off the coast of San Diego be noted, nounce that however, that two days prior to SMU’s home opener. the game SELL OUT 2009 against Stephen F. Austin was should be less detrimental than sold out, yet everyone could see BUY OUT 1986, which backfired empty seats, especially after the substantially. halftime exodus. This is because

Staff Tips for Avoiding the Deadly Swine Flu With somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 cases of swine flu here at SMU, students have to be at their sharpest to avoid catching this fatal disease. The Muddler staff has gone through countless hours of speculatory analysis to come up with some newfangled ideas to keep you safe. 1) Be sure to take a dangerous cocktail of multiple anti-flu, behind the counter narcotics creating a living-dead-like state that will ward off any infection. 2) Don’t Go to Home Bar. Scratch that: don’t go to class. Strike that again: don’t leave your house or dorm room. 3) Sneeze and cough on every person you can because the less people look at you, the less likely you are to catch the swine flu. 4) Don’t talk on your iPhone; iPhones carry swine flu. 5) Eat as much raw pork as possible. It helps to build an immunity.

May 2009

SMU-- Park ‘n Pony has recently announced it intends to extensively remodel its organization to further disrupt students’s lives. Park ‘n Pony said they have currently not lived up to their mission statement: “...to make life a living hell for students and generally ruin everyone’s day.” Following a disasterous move of their headquarters across Central Expressway, Park ‘n Pony was not satisfied with the inconvenience they caused. Instead, Park ‘n Pony officials announced they are looking for a new location. Options being considered include behind a locked door in the basement of Meadows, somewhere in El Paso, or a hidden location only found by following a Da Vinci Code-esque set of clues. In addition, Park ‘n Pony has proudly announced their plans to hire less competent employees and management. They are currently interviewing the mentally retarded, the mentally unstable, and Rod Blagojevich. Park ‘n Pony was pleased, however, by last year’s number of parking tickets given, and hope to make additional strides in that area. In addition to increasing parking ticket fines 215%, they will implement a “lucky ticket” system wherein Park ‘n Pony officers will now give parking tickets to several random students a day. “There will be new winners everyday,” declared a Park ‘n Pony official. “Who knows, tomorrow it could be you.”

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North Korea to Pattern State Ceremonies after SMU Events By: John Benson

“Your – how do you say – Commissar Ludden, this is a man who we can respect,” said Jong in an

(twice!), the Alumni marshalls, Phi Beta Kappa – everybody! I wish PYONGYANG, North Korea— Kim that North Koreans would do that Jong Il announced that North Ko– but they’re rea is revamptoo freedoming its state loving.” ceremonies to The Lamp incorporate of Knowlthe elements edge, a of academic recent addiceremonies tion to SMU’s of Southern pomp and cirMethodist cumstance, University. also caught “We have the attengreat songs tion of the and dances in North Korean our big staagent. “We dium rallies,” definitely Jong said, want one of “but we can those,” said learn a lot President about hierarJong, “but chy and slavours will ish obedience be nuclear to authorpowered and ity from our brothers and Shown here, SMU’s future graduation choreography. “Students may expect a rise in tuition to you’ll be able cover the necessary child-made sequined caps and gowns.” -Supreme Commander Ludden to see it from sisters at exclusive interview with the Mud- Los Angeles.” SMU.” dler in a small cave in the base The Muddler has also A North Korean agent attendment of Dallas Hall that doubles learned that SMU may be incored SMU’s opening convocation as a faculty office. “When he porating North Korean elements this August and brought back turns to President Turner and into its events. A well-placed word of the university’s practices source informed us that Proto the Beloved Leader. He passed asks for permission to start the ceremony, I get tears in my eyes. vost Paul Ludden plans to ask along surreptitiously taken video Nobody’s ever asked me that the faculty to do a synchronized footage of the enormous platbefore.” dance and placard presentation form party and the masses dutiJong was equally impressed when he addresses them in the fully clapping when they were with the masses of SMU students. spring semester. The theme will introduced to such luminaries as “They stood for what seemed like be “Our Leader’s Bearded Visage the General Counsel of the Unihours, and applauded every time Smiles Upon His Children Like the versity and the Executive Vicethey were told to – for the faculty Morning Sun.” President for Financial Affairs.

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The Muddler

EXCLUSIVE: Confidential Bush Rap Lyric of Library Document Revealed the Month: Top Secret To: R. Gerald Turner From: George W. Bush

Dear Mr. T, Our nation’s economy is under threat. This is a tough time for me to fundraise to create the greatest-ever presidential library, museum, and policy institute on your campus. My advisors have informed me that money from the internets is not flowing as it should. We have decided that it will be necessary to look for funding elsewhere. As you know, my partisan policy institute to be built on your campus has yet to be named. While I thought “The Freedom Institute” was the perfect name, my advisors have informed me that my administration may have resulted in “a loss of freedoms.” I have thereby found a list of donors who are willing to give lots of money to make my library extra awesome if we take their suggestions for naming this institute. Here’s what we have so far: • • • • • •

McDonald’s Presents: The George W. Bush Fry-dom Institute The Dave & Busters Bush Policy Institute and Arcade The George W. Brazzers Adults Only Policy Institute Budweiser Presents: The Bush “Hop-fully You Forgot What Actually Happened” Institute The “At Least He Wasn’t Socialist” Bush Institute, funded by the American Medical Association It’s the Cheesiest! Bush Institute and Cheeto Factory

Your input is greatly appreciated. By the way, love the fountains.

Much Love, W

May 2009

ya girl doing freaky thangs in da bed room yeah I got my fanga in her doodie hole hand cuffs and hot wipes 2 get her in da mood yeah i got my fanga in her doodie hole ... u hit her 4m the back n stick ya fanga down her chemny and on that she blows like a whale in the ocean she screamin n she moanin while im strokin that monkey Song: “I Got My Finger In Her Doodie Hole” by The Cotton Pickaz

Hilltopics Now the Sexiest Paper Around SMU-- Hilltopics, a student-produced opinion paper, suffering from lack of interest, has announced their intentions to produce a naked issue, “Hill-topless.” This is a blatant attempt to copy the immensly successful Dayly Campus’s, “Bickinii Issue,” renowned the world over for mixing sex and typos, like never before. “Hill-topless” also follows in the tradition of The Great Wall Street Journal’s annual “Sweet ‘n Sour Hotties” issue and The Muddler’s “All Nude Spectacular!” In related news, auditions are being held for “All Nude Spectacular! 2009!” For more information, please send an e-mail to ‘[email protected]’. Ugos need not apply.

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Kiss Kiss, No No

PARIS—The long-held belief beautiful wom[e]n I zee.” that Paris is the city of love has The original purpose of the law recently come under attack from outlawing kissing at train stations an unlikely source, the French was to prevent delays on train government. The Assemblée platforms. Apparently there was Nationale has a rather widerecently reenspread problem acted a long of Parisians standing but making out on rarely enforced the platform law, preventing for hours and kissing at train only boarding stations. the train at the “The recent last minute. So economic many people times have were involved New signs help Parisians remember the forced our in this process anti-PDA law government to that it preventbecome creative in order to main- ed the train from leaving on time. tain a balanced budget,” stated a The reinforcement of this law French government representanow, however, is strictly a money tive. raiser. Police officers across Paris “The law has been very suckhave been ordered to patrol train zesful in, uh, providing exztra stations in order to issue citations income to ze guvernment in zese for public kissing. ‘arsh economic times,” added the Parisians, however, are pissed. French representative. “We ‘ave “I, uh, have re-zeived over 2,000 raised so much money, uh in fact, euro in finez . . . already,” claimed that we won’t have to cut back Michel Grenier. “How am I to . . on our wine and cheeze expendi. uh, refrain from kizzing ze, uh, tures.”

Policy Institute Appointment: “Epic Fail” SMU-- Former State Department official and coauthor of Dow 36,000: The New Strategy for Profiting From the Coming Rise in the Stock Market James K. Glassman has been appointed as the head of the Bush policy institute—the controversial branch of the Bush Library opposed by much of the SMU faculty. Surprisingly, however, SMU faculty and staff are fully behind the new appointment to the Bush Institute. “He is totally inept,” declared Jorge Gallinas. “He will run the Bush Institute into the ground. In a year, it will no longer be an issue.

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“His book claims stocks are undervalued and now is the time for investors to cash-in,” stated Gallinas. “What a load of shit that turned out to be. And his readers certainly aren’t happy. “The top three tag descriptions assigned to his book by Amazon customers are ‘epic fail’, ‘wrong’, and ‘miserable failure’. “If this is any reflection of how he will run the institute, it will fail. I don’t see how that could be bad for anyone, except maybe Bush, but I’m sure he’s used to things associated with him failing by now.”

Twitter: A Godsend? JERUSALEM-- The Twitter ego has officially eclipsed the mega egos of Facebook and MySpace. In a recent press release, Twitter Creative Director Biz Stone announced that Twitter is the work of Adonai, Elohim, Adoshem, Zebaot, Hashem, or Boreh—the Jewish God. Apparently, the Western Wall now has its own address on Twitter, allowing believers—or rather lazy, half-ass believers—around the globe to have their prayers placed between its 2,000 yearold-stones without even leaving their computer chairs. An anonymous group promises to print out these “tweet” prayers and place them amongst the handwritten notes placed by actual pilgrims. Of course, there is no guarantee this isn’t a Muslim extremist group trying to hit Jews where it hurts...in their prayers. The wall, in Jerusalem’s Old City, is all that remains of the second Biblical Jewish temple, destroyed by the Romans in 70 A.D. It stands where the Bible says King Solomon built the first temple, which was destroyed by the Babylonians more than 600 years earlier. “We’re clearly the best social networking site in the world,” stated Stone. “How could we not be? God is on our side?”

The Muddler

A-Rod Tackles Helpless Woman to Satiate Sexual Desires NEW YORK CITY-- Alex Rodriguez, game. “I have found that I have notorious womanizer and adbetter luck when I force myself equate baseball player, has once on them. They are weaker, so again made the news for his latest female conquest. The formerly married man with many mistresses left his wife last year for a tabloid affair with Madonna. But now he finds himself lusting after women in uniform. “Well, I’m not a likeable guy, so A-Rod’s performance enhancing drug of choice: Enzyte. women generally they usually just have to give in. don’t like to talk to me for very “Unfortunately, I forgot I was long,” claimed Rodriguez in a at a baseball game last night. press conference following the

When I see a woman I want, sometimes my mind goes blank— sort of like when you ejaculate.” Surprisingly, the Yankees fan base was not really upset with Rodriguez’s rapelike tactics and embraced the method. “I’m not too good with the ladies either,” declared some idiotic Guido, “but I think A-Rod’s technique could work for me.” Over the past week, rape attempts in the tri-city area are up 34%.

SMU Opposes Bud Light’s Middle Class Marketing DALLAS, Texas-- SMU recently joined other schools in protest over Bud Light’s plan to use local school colors on their cans to encourage sales amongst football fans. Speculation surrounding why SMU entered the protest circulated around it being a preemptive strike to avoid embarrassment on the expected lack of sales, as SMU has no real football fans. It turns out, however, that the main reason above is not nearly as vain as the actual truth. “Bud Light is such a, how should I put this, affordable, cheap . . . or rather a low-class drink,” declared an SMU representative. “It’s the Mountain

May 2009

Dew of alcoholic beverages. SMU shouldn’t be associated with something so lowbrow. “Not to mention, Barack Obama drank Bud Light at the Beer Summit, and what do you think we are? Socialists? “That’s why we have partnered with Kendall-Jackson wineries to create an SMU wine label. We have come up with a specific blend called ‘Peruna,’ which should taste something along the lines of ‘The Prisoner’. “This sort of drink suits the SMU demographic much better. The idea is so good, in fact, that we have inspired other universities, such as Vanderbilt, USC, and Duke to follow suit. So, in this

Peruna wine will get you fucked up.

regard, SMU is really a leading university.” Bottles of “Peruna” will sell for an affordable $35 in local wine bars, as the majority of production costs will be offset by rising tuition costs.

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Top 8 Reasons to write for The Muddler 1) Muddler writers get more action than Dayly Campus writers. 2) It is nothing like a Soviet Gulag.

The Best Article Ever... at Least in Theory By: Montgomery X

Astrophysicists at the UK’s WASP project—named for the rich, 3) Learn how to work spellcheck. white males who started the planet discovery group to fill their 4) No nagging editorial overfree time during retirement— sight. have discovered a new planet 5) Free student tickets to footthat orbits the wrong way, “backball games. 6) Muddler writers demonstrate ward compared to the rotation of its host star.” a brand of journalistic integrity No other known planet in the not found in other SMU publicauniverse rotates in this manner. tions. Astrophysicists at MIT postu7) Learn to intellectually write late the planet, named WASP-17, on topics such as Chaucer, health“likely had a close encounter with care rea larger planet, and the graviform, and tational interaction acted like a queefs. slingshot to put WASP-17 on its 8) Becomodd course.” ing great Of course, there’s no way of friends and knowing this for sure. It’s only work out a theory, though it’s being cited buddies by international news sources as with this fact. What kind of way is that to big pile of go about things? man. Imagine trying to get away If interested, contact ‘[email protected]’. with this in a history class, turning

The Muddler Staff John Benson Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Admiral Erikbar Ryan Leech Greg Mandel and Molly Palmison as Geordi La Forge

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in a paper claiming America was actually founded by the aliens who built the pyramids. “How did you arrive at this conclusion?” your professor might ask. “Well, you know, I’ve got this hunch,” you’d respond. “Have you ever looked at the back of a dollar bill? Freaky.” You have no basis for this claim, no past precedence you’re working with; it’s practically a wild guess. So much for theories, huh? In theory, this article is the most perfect thing you have ever read. Perfectly crafted, hilarious, life-changing in fact. I just changed your life with my words. That puts me on the same level as a Keats or a Dostoyevsky. Actually, I think I rather like this theory stuff. If only I could live in the world of an astrophysicist, life would be great . . . in theory.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler