The Muddler - March 09

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Student Body Senate elections are coming up. I’ll file that under who gives a shit. Kappa Alpha Order is holding a yard sale next Tuesday. “Cannons. Porch Swings, Confederate Flags. Everything Must Go!” reads a flier distributed by their remaining pledges. In a shocking and disturbing new development, Matthew McConaughey decided to put on a shirt. There is no clear sign as to when he will take it back off. Attention all creative writers: The Muddler is looking for lampooners and editors of all kinds. If you are interested, please alert us through e-mail at ‘themuddler. [email protected]’.

Help make the print media redundantly irrelevant. Subscribe to the digital version of The Muddler. Send an email to ‘themuddler. [email protected]’.

The Muddler

Volume Two, Issue 6 March 2009

‘Dirt Nastia’ Shies Away from Normal Life

SMU— Olympic gold medalist Nastia Liukin admits that she is struggling to live a normal life now that she is enrolled as a part-time student at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. “I mean, some people didn’t even recognize me on the first day of class,” said Liukin. “I’ve been on The Tonight Show and Gossip Girl. Nasita completes her long hand-overWhat is that? I’m Nastia hand journey to SMU fuckin Liukin.” like Sean Penn. Liukin should have Other students back up her the freedom to do whatever she claim: “Yeah, I had no idea who pleases as long as she remains in she was when I walked into class. the limelight. It was another blonde, short girl. Perhaps her behavior has I figured she was either a CCPA warranted the cold treatment major or a cheerleader.” towards her by other students, or Of course, according to some, maybe it’s because she is often not being noticed is hardly Liseen doing her floor routine to ukin’s problem. and from class instead of walk“She wore her Olympic medals ing. This type of behavior tends to class last Thursday,” scoffed to alienate—like riding a unicycle. Warren Lewis. “That was a little Either way, she certainly remains much.” abnormal in the eyes of most, But when have we asked our which is precisely her wish. celebrities to be humble? We “Dirt Nastia, muthafuckas,” only reserve our attention for the exclaimed Liukin. “Respect!” obnoxious and the out-of-control,

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Dear , LL No. I extended my vacation. If you’ve already returned to college, you’re lost. Sincerely, CC

Since Christian has been island hoping in the Caribbean, his Blackberry has either been out of range or he has chosen to ignore most inquiries we have sent his way. All we can be sure of is he’s enjoying his time off. No doubt lots of alcohol and women are involved. Hopefully he will be back next month refreshed and ready to go, but we can make no promises.

Dear Christian, I just returned to college after a wonderfully awesome spring break. I no longer feel like doing anything but lounging on the beach. Do you have any advice? Sincerely, Lazy Landlubber

CC’s boat, note, multitudes of women swarming above and below deck not visible at this distance, but he assures us they exist

Spring Break: Fact or Fiction? Spring Break has come and gone and The Muddler staff was hard at work exploring various party myths. We have come to many important realizations from our experiences over the past week. Please learn from our experiences, somebody should. 1)Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, you’ll be sicker FALSE – The Muddler team has studied this assumption in depth and we have found no truth to this saying. The bottom line is there’s no time to plan out what you want to drink first, just drink it. 2)Being filmed for a free T-Shirt is trashy FALSE – Free shirts give you something to remember your

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awesome Spring Break by. Anyways, what are the chances someone you knows even sees the video? . . . Well, probably pretty good, but free t-shirts are the cat’s meow. 3)Spring Break is the time for experimentation TRUE – Throughout the whole school year you are meant to play by the rules and be careful. During Spring Break, however, there’s no time to be cautious. While you were in Mexico, you should have done everything you ever dreamt of doing, but have always been too scared to do. Just try not to be too crabby when you get back. 4)Drugs are Bad TRUE – Don’t do drugs because they are bad. If you decide not to take our advice, however, enjoy

in moderation. 5)Mexican Jail isn’t so bad INCONCLUSIVE – The staff member sent to explore this myth never came back. The truth is, the only way you will ever know is if you experience it yourself. We don’t recommend it. 6)Excessive alcohol + Excessive sun = Excessive fun TRUE – Obviously. 7)What happens at your Spring Break Destination stays there TRUE – Don’t worry, you’re friends won’t bring up your questionable hook-up if you don’t bring up theirs. Besides, Pedro the 29 year old mechanic probably has a great personality, so what the hell?

The Muddler

God Declares: “I Want Chick-Fil-A on Sundays”

ATLANTA, Georgia— God retion, according to God’s book,” vealed today that He too gets claimed Chick-Fil-A VP Randy Marhungry for Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. tin. “Thus, we cannot give in to “I was so hungry for some verbal demands He may come to chicken regret later. nuggets Besides, He the other should be Sunday, in church went to a anyways.” Chick-Fil-A, When and found it God was was closed informed of . . . because this reaof me!” soning, He Chick-Filresponded, A, famous “Because of for closing my book? on Sunday God smiting several Chick-Fil-A The Bible? for religious employees/cows for thier policies. How does reasons, that overremains firmly adamant in their rule what I am saying right here, position, even to the almighty. right now? I wrote that thing so “We close on Sundays because long ago, I don’t even remember it’s a day for religious reflechalf the things I put in there.”

Gays Now Pro UFC

LAS VEGAS, Nevada— Support for Ultimate Fighting Championship has grown in recent years, especially in homosexual demographics. “There are sweaty, shirtless hunks-of-men, grabbing each other, throwing each other to the ground,” remarked Eddie McMerson, “I often watch with the volume down and a glass of wine.” UFC executives are not so pleased with this recent demographic switch, however. “There is nothing gay about UFC,” said UFC Vice President Mark Graff, “Tell me, what is gay about oiled up, strong men ramming each other into the ground.” McMerson disagrees. “UFC is very fabulous. It’s gayer than the Oscars. Seriously, its not like Hugh Jackman ripped his shirt off, oiled up, and started wrestling Russell Crowe. UFC is pretty much the gayest thing ever.”

March 2009

Point-Counterpoint: Circumcised Vs. Uncircumcised

Molly Denver Against Circumcised Penises: They are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. They look like a Lego man without arms, a Lego amputee. And that ridiculous top? It makes the penis look like Bob the Builder.

For your consideration

Shannon Jones Against Uncircumcised Penises: They are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. They look like meat gone bad or some kind of monster from a Tim Burton movie. Seriously, this is what they are supposed to look like?

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Despite arriving at the movie ten minutes late, I saw enough to say, “This movie sucked!” It starts with this talking, spoiled Chihuahua (Cate Blanchett) living outside Los Angeles. Due to a misunderstanding, the dog gets lost in Mexico. There, she meets a cool Chihuahua (Brad Pitt). Together, they encounter a band of nomadic, singing, Aztec Chihuahuas. The trailers for this movie were very misleading. Pitt and Blanchett never appear as themselves. There is no old-man-baby, nor baby-old-man. The title makes no sense either, and what you’ve heard is true: the movie is too long, running at an excruciating 90 minutes. It also paralleled Forest Gump a bit too much.

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Turner Decides to Add The Daily Campus Another Fountain Promises More SMU— School officials have decided to build yet another fountain on campus, the seventh one built Typos, Same Quality this year alone, to honor all the ones that have come before it and are to come after it. “I love fountains. My hope is to have 48 by the end of the year,” said President R. Gerald Turner. “People complain of high tuition prices, but the fact is we need to build more fountains. It’s one of the main criteria the Princeton Review considers when ranking the nation’s top schools.” The newest fountain being built is in dedication the other fountains on campus. It will follow the design of the Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi, or Fountain of the Four RivDedication of the “Thank you for donating another ers in the Piazza Navona million dollars” fountain in Rome. “My hope is, years from now, people will look at this fountain and say, ‘wow, I can’t think of anything more superfluous’,” said President Turner. “That would be a hell of a legacy to have.”

The Muddler Staff

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Dane Brannan Dr. Thane Economou, PhD Therik Jolie-Pitt Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson Shawn White

SMU— Today, in a shocking move, SMU’s newspaper, The Daily Campus, announced it would be even less interested in correcting their quotidian typos. “The studints have spokan, and they are demanding more tiepos,” said a press release issued by the paper late last night. “Since it beecame clear we couldnt’ spel Typos: A clear sign of an inwords like ferior production... ‘Umphery Lee’ correctly in our head lines, the hel with it, we spake. Let’s just stop using spelchek.” The response so far has been mixed. “We have a paper?” remarked Senior Ashley David. “Between this and those overly angry, selfrighteous op-eds, who could ask for more?” stated Freshman Mark Goode. The Daily Campus, now to be called the Dayly Campus, also promises to be more lenient with grammar and general fact checking as well.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler