The Muddler - April 09

This issue is dedicated to anyone who has been fired for being too funny

[email protected] http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.com/

Twilight released on DVD. Robert Pattison’s hair looks just as stupid on Blu-Ray. SMU student and magician Trigg Burrage was burned at the stake after his magic performance at sing-song outshined all other performances. “It had nothing to do with his blatant and unapologetic use of witchcraft,” claimed a skirt-less Pi Phi. Mark Cuban recently expressed discontent about NBA officiating via Twitter. The NBA subsequently fined him $25K for using Twitter.

Volume Two Issue 7 April 2009

Print Media Dead, Killer Found-- A Muddler Exclusive This is true: The Dayly Campus fired one of its writers for his association with The Muddler, due to the article, "Dayly Campus Promises More Typos, Same Quality." You would think after being called out for such sloppiness they would be a little more careful:

Evidence File

March 25, 2009

March 26, 2009

AIG recently doled out $165 million in executive bonuses in the single biggest “Fuck You, American tax payers” this fiscal year. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin have broken up. Newly single, Johnston was released back into the wild, where he was promptly shot by Sarah Palin from a helicopter. ShamWow guy arrested for beating up prostitute. That story has me saying wow every time.

The Muddler

February 3, 2009

And what was the editor-in-chief of The Dayly Campus's response to this? "Whether you agree or disagree with me, The Dayly Campus welcomes your opinion. After all, even if you're not a journalist, you still have the power of the pen to voice whatever your opinion may be" (2/3/09 issue). Unless, of course, it's satirical.

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This isn’t an easy job. People expect you to, you know, read and edit. Who has time for all that nonsense when I could be spending my time fabricating stories and figuring out new ways to misspell words? Christian, come to think of it, I don’t need any advice. Thanks for your time anyways… I guess. Supremely awesome, Extraordinary Editor Dear Christian, I was recently brought on as the editor of my school’s newspaper and I’m finding it very difficult. Between firing writers that are associated with other publications for simple jokes and defending my opinions against the retards -- no not you Theta… the high school retards -- I just haven’t been able to find the time to actually read the articles that we’ve been printing. Sure my writers have left me notes in articles that have slipped by my watchful eye, but no one should hold it against me. I mean I’ve been fighting off lawsuits from some of the most powerful fathers around campus (Muddler editors note: We do not believe that lawsuits were ever officially threatened), all the while maintaining my pristine record of zero retractions -- something I am very proud of, as I believe it is a part of journalistic integrity never to admit a mistake.

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EE, Some people think that I too am full of myself and a bit of an asshole. It’s okay. The place where you lost me was when you became a moron. Isn’t your job to report the news, maybe even a fact or two? From my experience, the Theta ladies are exceptional Panhellenic (note the spelling) women. You have some amazing writers (that’s why my friends at The Muddler borrow one or two of them from time to time). The only thing lacking at your paper is an editor. Don’t misconstrue what I’m saying; you and I are in very rare company of people that have never made a mistake in our lives. The only difference is I'm truly flawless. You most certainly are not. One step above you, Christian Cornwallis

The Muddler

U.S. ECONOMY: STILL FUCKED NYC— Word from Wall Street today had a clear message: We are all going to die. Speculation that the recession may become a depression grew, as it became clear the apocalypse was near. “I cannot speak now,” said Wall Street investor Milton Straus. “I am putting a machine gun on the front of a motorcycle, because that’s what will be needed after society collapses.” Furthermore, Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner, when asked if he still believed the US dollar to be the world’s premier currency, responded, “Listen, I thought my only job was to sign the dollar bill. And I was like Obama’s sixth choice anyway. . .

. Where’s that guy who promised me the ice cream sandwich?” One Wall Street investor, Todd Mayes, depressed over the volatile market, jumped out of his office window onto the street below. The Dow was up 25 points by the time he hit the ground. Mayes instantly regretted his decision. When asked if the economic disaster was his administration’s fault, former President George W. Bush said ‘huh?’, and continued clearing brush. Dick Cheney was not available for comment, as he is currently filming his role as the Penguin for the new Batman film. President Barack Obama had these words to say to investors: “Hope” and “Change.”

Kobler Wins Student Body Election

SMU—Patrick Kobler recently won the election for President of SMU’s student body. The Muddler would like to extend congratulations to itself for predicting this and putting down 50 bucks in a highly illegal student body politics gambling racket. Kobler is a surprisingly cool guy for the position, leaving some students confused, stunned. “He’s a very likeable guy,” said Theodore Owen, “something must be wrong.” Some students had other opinions. “I voted for the other guy,” responded freshman Ashley Mann. “I couldn’t get over all those rumors circulating about [Kobler] crashing his car into the Chappaquiddick River and leaving his mistress for dead.” For the record, The Muddler does not support these rumors, mostly because we really need funding for next year. Kobler, who ran on the platform of reforming the General Education curriculum, has yet to state where he stands on The Muddler/Dayly Campus Rivalry. He’s a pretty cool guy, though, so I think he’s going with us.

April 2009

A Muddler Student Survey: What is SMU UNBRIDLED? Scott Wilson: A porno about Peruna. Megan Pinto: Is it like the McGriddle? Pete Darfmann: Please don’t bother me when I’m in the bathroom. Don “D. Lew” Lew: The most wonderful time in the world! Ben Mueda: There is no God! R. Gerald Turner: Give me more fountains! SMU Daily Campus: You’re fired!

Bubble Incident at SMU’s Most Glorious Fountain SMU— Just weeks after completion, President R. Gerald Turner’s most priced accomplishment, the “Wow I can’t believe you paid this much money to have your name on a fountain Val and Frank Late” Fountain, was filled with bubbles. The perpetrator, while awesome, is still at large. The 42-by-64-foot oval fountain was erected by fountain-crazy President Turner, who has stated in the past, “I need more fountains. Build me more fountains! Tuitions be damned I need more fountains.” He was visibly upset by the news, shedding one tear for each bubble that defiled the fountain. “How dare they put bubbles in my fountain? This is the 9/11 of putting bubbles in fountains,” stated Turner. “I may not have the identity of the hoodlums who did this, but what I do have is a particular set of skills. I will find them. And I will kill them.”

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Alcohol helps inspire new state slogans MADISON, WI.— Although Wisconsin has received a lot of criticism for recently changing their state slogan to “Live like you mean it,” an old marketing slogan used by Bacardi, to promote business and tourism, other states have latched onto the idea in a show of solidarity and stupidity. “We have received a lot of encouraging phone calls from other states asking if they could follow in our footsteps and adopt marketing campaign slogans of their own,” stated Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle. “I told them we’d been served by Bacardi for our actions, which they took to mean they sent over some drinks. In actuality, they’re suing us.” Nonetheless, many states have moved forward with choosing their own “brand-name” marketing-esque slogans. See table at right.

California: “Live the high life” (Miller). Wyoming: “In Wyoming, no one can hear you scream” (Alien). Rhode Island: “Think small” (Volkswagen).

West Virginia: “Like a good neighbor, West Virginia is there” (State Farm).

Nevada: “The antidote for civilization” (Club Med).

New Jersey: “Roaches check in but they don’t check out” (Roach Motel).

Kansas: “America’s drivethrough” (Sonic).

Florida: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” (LifeCall).

Iowa: “Does for gays what The Sound of Music did for hills” (This is Spinal Tap).

Hawaii: “Getting there is half the fun” (Cunard Steam Ship Company).

New Mexico: “It’s more bueno” (Taco Bueno).

New York: “Can you hear me now?” (Verizon Wireless).

New Hampshire: “With a name like New Hampshire, it has to be good” (Smuckers).

District of Colombia: “Intel inside” (Intel).

North and South Carolina (joint-venture): “Double your pleasure, double your fun” (Double Mint Gum). Delaware: “Dude, you’re going to Delaware” (Dell).

Oregon: “Keep walking” (Johnny Walker). Michigan: “What’s in your wallet?” (Capitol One). Idaho: “Friends don’t let friends drive through Idaho” (Ad Council).

Utah: “Now Caffeine Free”

The Muddler Staff

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Mississippi: “How do you spell backwards, redneck state: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-PI” (Rolaids).

Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Therik Jolie-Pitt Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler