The Muddler - May 09

[email protected] www.pdfcoke.com/TheMuddler

T. Boone Pickens delivers serious energy proposal at SMU, still has funny name. Students encouraged to convince old people to use Twitter to keep them off Facebook. Man fulfills lifelong dream: get captured by pirates. Ugly British woman has her 1,000,000 hits of YouTube fame, returns to being poor and unfortunate to look at. George W. Bush visited SMU’s campus. Someone threw a $2000 pair of shoes at him. Bush collected the shoes and slinked away. Jimmy Fallon had a panic attack during last night’s Late Night show. He died on stage. No one noticed. George Clooney officially ends poverty, suffering, and hunger throughout the world with the power of his celebrity.

The Muddler

Volume Two Issue 8 & 9 May 2009

A Muddler Special Message: To Graduating Seniors

Congratulations Seniors! gun, standing in dark street corYou are entering into one of ners, and kindly asking people for the worst economic environmoney. If they do not give it to ments in American history. Sure you, stick that mother fucker. you don’t Be creative want to stick with your livaround? Take ing quarters, another Wellincluding ness course? alternative If you are options. Get sure you want a cardboard to head out box. To avoid into this, and rainfall damI believe the age, live under economic term a bridge. is “shitstorm,” You’ll also then here is have company The Muddler’s from the local Recent grad looking for new advice to you. wack-jobs and prospects, Good Luck! Money is of methheads. course going If money is to be pretty tight. Be frugal with still tight, and you are unable to your dollars. You may need to use land a job, think of selling your foodstamps. I really don’t know body for money. Our most imporhow they work, but just ask some tant tip is to land yourself a pimp. random poor person and they’ll This way no john will boof you tell you. without proper payment. In order to survive this ecoAnd if this thought bothers nomic environment, you may you, just remind yourself, in the need use your business education business world you’d be whoring to work aggressive negotiations. yourself out anyway. This involves buying a knife or

1

is move on. To quote a favorite character of mine, “The thing I love about college girls is I keep getting older, and they stay the same age.” There are other minnows in the pond. And to FF (I suppose I should at least leave you with something), let him buy dinner until he gets the point. Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail. com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

Dear Christian, I’m in my early 20s and have a friend named “Logan,” who is in his early 30s. We go out to dinner every so often, and when the server asks how the check should be split, Logan quickly says to put it all on one check -- and before I know it, he has already paid for both of our meals. I’ve told him before that I’d like to pay for some of our meals, but his response is always that I’m young and in college and he’s working. I appreciate the gesture and the concern, but I feel a little insulted that someone would think I’m unable to take care of myself. Is there something I can do to assuage my conscience without insulting my friend? Thank you, Freewheeling Female FF, I am writing my response to Logan, not you. Hey Logan, what are you, an idiot? Clearly she doesn’t want to sleep with you. She’s not impressed by your ability to pay for every meal. My advice to you

2

Best, Christian Cornwallis ------------------------------------------------Dear Mr Cornwallis, I am 8 years old, and I love science. I am writing you because when I go to the doughnut shop, they always give me paper bags when I order my doughnut to eat there. I also notice other people getting bags they don’t need. How many trees have to die for no reason? I care about recycling. What can I do so the doughnut shop will stop wasting bags? Thank you, Tree-hugging Toddler TT, The trees are already dead when they are turned into bags. Don’t worry, they feel no pain. Sincerely, Christian Cornwallis ------------------------------------------------Dear CC, I have had several recent experiences of needing to grab only a few items and quickly check out of a store, only to find the express lane occupied by someone with an entire cartload of items. What is the proper etiquette in this situation? Should I say nothing and allow my time to be wasted by people who think they are entitled? Should I say something to the cashier in the presence of the offender? Please guide me, Pansy Produce Procurer PPP, I don’t think I can help you with this problem because I really have no idea what you’re talking about. My Panamanian houseboy does all of my grocery shopping. I honestly don’t know what these

The Muddler

“express lanes” are. Is it like when you get to walk by the line at Pacha? Maybe I should have Rubén Google it.

Mel Gibson Divorces, Blames Jews

Sorry, Christian Cornwallis ------------------------------------------------Dear Christian, I’m a freshman at SMU. I was awakened last night at 3 a.m. because my bunk bed was shaking. Then I heard my roommate moaning. She had snuck a boy into our dorm room, and they were doing “it!” I am so upset at her disregard for my personal space that I don’t know how to talk to her. I’m big on chastity, but I don’t want her to think I’m speaking up because I’m a prude. I found it so upsetting that it was difficult to get back to sleep. My roommate is nice, and we get along well. How do I tell her that this behavior is unacceptable? If I had been forewarned, I would have slept out in the lounge.

MALIBU, Calif.— Actor, director, and producer Mel Gibson is divorcing his wife of nearly 30 years. He has no prenuptial agreement and is worth almost one billion dollars. According to Gibson, the Jews are to blame. “They killed Jesus, started all the wars, and are now breaking up my marriage,” slurred a drunk Gibson, as he was stepping into his car. “And now Sugartits [Gibson’s wife] will get half a billion dollars. No doubt the Jews will get their treacherous claws on some of that, too.”

Please help me, Constantly Chaffed for Chastity CCC, I would be more than happy to help, but I think that the cosmetics department at Barney’s might be a better bet. As we all know, “chaste” is a code word for ugo. If you want your roommate to respect your personal space, “make the beast with two backs” while she’s in the room, and feel free to get kind of kinky. Let your probably disfigured freak flag fly. Awaiting pictures, Christian Cornwallis

May 2009

Gibson rose to fame in the 80’s with the hit film Lethal Weapon, where he played a crazy person. Now, actually a crazy person, he claimed he needs $500 million to give to the Pope to convince him to grant him an annulment. In addition, Gibson plans to make an autobiographical film about the Semitic influence on his divorce. The working title is Apocolyptostein. It will be 3 hours long and entirely in Aramaic. But for now, at least Gibson finally truly knows what women want: half.

Movie Review: Bolt The beautifully animated film Bolt (2008, Walt Disney Co.) tells the tale of a TV Dog (John Travolta) in search of his on screen co-star (Miley Cyrus). I only got about twenty minutes into this before I got bored and switched over to my motel’s pay-per-view porn. Perusing through my choices, Schindler’s Fist, Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, and the classic Arme-get-it-on, I ultimately decided upon something a little more classy, something with production value. A period piece—but not like that. I decided upon the colonial porno 17769. It was the rousing story of our founding fathers banging our founding mothers. The narrative was of George Washington (Sonny Boner) and Betsy Ross (Felicity Muffman) writing the declaration of Indepenis. The film was extremely historically accurate. I especially applaud the bold musical choice in using soft saxophone and electric drum beats for its score, instruments exclusively from the time period. This film is one of those miraculous films that achieves its immediate goals and keeps climbing toward a higher climax. I did not finish 17769 because I fell asleep (this is a common medical condition) and awoke to the sound of gunshots outside my motel room door. I left immediately, leaving my prostitute alone. I give Bolt Two out of Four Paws.

3

Athletics Director Calls for Abolition of Dedman College By: John Benson

SMU— Today SMU Athletics Director Steve Orsini called for the abolition of Dedman College. “Our Football and Men’s Basketball programs can no longer support the ongoing expense of a liberal arts education,” said Orsini. “It’s time for SMU to fish or cut bait. Do we or don’t we want to be a nationally leading athletics program? “For too long SMU has measured its success based on turning out well-rounded, generally educated students who can succeed in a wide range of occupations and contribute to society in a variety of ways. It’s time to leave that pipe dream in the past.” Football head coach June Jones joined Orsini at the press conference. “God has called me here to SMU to be coach,” said Jones. [editor’s note: actual

quote from Board of Trustees Athletics Committee meeting]. “He also told me that we could pay another coach my salary if we got rid of about 40 junior faculty members, since I make $2 million a year and they make about June Jones argues that sign should be $50,000. I didn’t first to get the axe believe him at first, decipher her meaning. but then I got out my calculator President R. Gerald Turner and it turns out that God knows stressed that the Bush Library his math.” could take over many of the funcOther administrators respond- tions of Dedman College. “They’ll ed quickly to Orsini’s announcehave books there, too, and peoment. Dedman College Dean ple who can read them. Plus, it’ll Cordelia Candelaria spoke to The be a bigger draw for tourists.” Muddler at great length. But othProvost Paul Ludden was more er than a lengthy discourse about succinct: “Remind me again – setting up a Dedman College on what’s Dedman College?” Venus, our staff was unable to

Bailout Money for Pussies, Declares Texas Governor AUSTIN, Texas— In order to address his recent comments about secession, Texas Governor Rick Perry held a press conference under the dome of the Texas State Capitol building yesterday evening. Perry spent the first ten minutes of the press conference back-pedaling away from his secession comments, saying the media had skewed the meaning behind them. “I didn’t mean we were planning on leaving the union, I just meant that we’re not pussies,” declared Perry. “That socialist Obama administration is giving all this money to every state even though they aren’t even earning it. All they have to do is spend it and recognize the Obama administration as loving and

4

kind. What are they college students?” When asked to clarify his seemingly wild and unconnected comments, Perry explained the unanimous decision of the Texas House of Representatives to turn down the bailout money, since it makes anyone who takes it a “twat,” later adding you “might as well check your balls at the door”. Gov. Perry continued, “Down here in Texas we can make our own money. We don’t need to be fed from no silver spoon. Let those faggots in California have our part of the bailout.” While the media stood in awe at the vile words from the Governor, Perry chucked up the deuces and said, “Adios, mofos,” as he walked off.

The Muddler

The Muddler’s Performance Enhancing Tips for Finals Finals: They’re right around the corner. To help with preparation, The Muddler Staff has compiled a list of the substances that will get you through those tireless study nights, along with their pluses and minuses. ADDERALL -- Can help you cram for a test like a pornstar crams dildos up her...well, you know. The good news is those beautiful little pills are socially acceptable and readily available. I mean who doesn’t know someone who is prescribe to adderall? Conversely, however, you’re likely to start tweaking out roughly twenty minutes into it, and its side effects include uncontrollable mood swings. The biggest downside to using it, though, is you have to talk to that weird kid with ADHD to get it. 5-HOUR ENERGY -- Any energy is good energy when you’re trying to pull an all-nighter. Pros: it’s a shot that won’t cause you to lose your inhibitions, and as the commercials say, it’s energy that lasts with no crash. Cons: get ready for some serious jitters and cold sweats. You’ll have way to much energy to confine you to a chair in the library. More importantly, however, it’s legal, so how good could it be?

COFFEE -- The very traditional method used to stay up all night to study. It’s relatively inexpensive, and it makes you look dignified. If you accidentally knock it over onto yourself with one of the many books you’re flipping through, however, it could cause third degree burns. Plus, if you drink lots of coffee, you’ll waste a lot of time make trips to the bathroom. RED BULL -- If there’s a body altering substance used to help college students study that’s more commercialized than coffee, it’s this. Pros: It’s free in the library. You can’t argue with free. And when you’re done studying, any leftover Red Bull can be used to make jägerbombs. Of course, it does kind of come in a queer looking can, and that guy you hate always drinks it. NOTHING -- This option is the last refuge of those students who pride themselves on their work ethic and doing it the “old-fashioned way.” (editor’s note: we believe people have always used substances to enhance their performances no matter what their work may be.) This option certainly allows you to be proud of yourself; however, pride won’t enhance your graduate school application.

Michael Bay Survives Exploding Car LOS ANGELES, Calif.— Filmmaker Michael Bay (The Rock, Transformers) was involved in a massive car accident in downtown Los Angeles yesterday, leaving an entire city block leveled. “Mr. Bay, driving his Porsche GT3, made an illegal left hand turn,” said an LAPD officer speaking under the condition of anonymity. “He hit a black Chevy Tahoe which immediately burst into flames.” Bay then jumped from his vehicle, still in motion, just before a

May 2009

falling helicopter hit it. His automobile then exploded, sending a fireball 100 feet into the air. Ambulances, fire trucks, 72 police cars, and men on motorcycles quickly arrived at the scene. Most crashed into each other and nearby buildings, which then also exploded—as they do. Michael Bay then tore off his mask and revealed himself to be John Woo (director Face/Off, Mission: Impossible 2.) As he strode away, unharmed, doves flew around him.

Lucky photographer Lucy Luddon catches a snapshot of the fabled Bush on campus

5

Pirates: Not Cool

Swine Flu Fear

MOGADISHU, Somalia— Somagone too far. lian pirates have been consistentThese pirates are un-American. ly hijacking ships off the coast of Stealing from people and sufferAfrica, and surprisingly, it’s not as ing little to no consequence for it cool as it sounds. is not something you’d see in the Current pirates no longer live U.S. business marketplace. up to Americans expectations of So, when Somalian pirates capcool. Somalian pirates are less like tured an American sea captain, Johnny Depp you knew shit and more on was about to go the cool level down. President of, say, Geoffrey Barack Obama Rush or Stellan briefly got angry Skarsgård. upon hearing These Somathis news, lian pirates wear before remindIs The Muddler obsessed with ridiculous outfits ing himself to pirates: You decide – such as eye remain calm and patches and peg messianic. He legs. Be original! They claim the then called in the military. eye patches are due to a history The United States military pulled of illness and malnutrition in their off an attack strike so powerful nation and the peg legs are due its been termed “Seagal-esque.” to unending Somalian warfare. I’m talking round house kicks, But I’m like, hello losers, its not impaling people with swords, and Halloween. fucking decapitations. Listen, I know what its like to be Actually, I’m talking about a pirate myself. I like rum. I’ve Navy SEALS using snipers to kill been on the open sea when I sail the pirates holding the captain. out from the yacht club. And I And much like lightweight sorordownloaded the leaked copy of ity girls, it only took three shots Wolverine. But these guys have to take them down.

Mother Finds Teen ‘Twittering’ in Room

TOPEKA, KANSAS— Fifteen year old Kyle Barr was left embarrassed, disturbed when his mother walked in on him twittering. “It’s something I do when I’m alone. I like to tweet,” said Barr. Kyle’s mother said that in recent years her son has spent more and more time in front of the computer, often times twittering for hours. “I understand twittering is what young boys his age often do,” said Kyle’s mother, Maureen, “but I’m afraid he’ll go blind if he keeps at it.”

6

BROWNSVILLE, Texas-- Apparently illegal immigrants taking all the best fruit picking jobs is not the worst thing to cross the border. Swine flu, a really silly name that is hard to take seriously - like bird flu - is the deadliest disease to ever hit mankind. Worldwide panic has hit, and between this, pirates, and the facebook update design, people are scared. It is time to find that really attractive cousin of yours, and make sweet sweet slightly incestuous love to her, because all of us are going to die. At least, that’s what we gather from the non-stop coverage. MSNBC claims that Obama will personally eradicate the disease from the earth. FOX News says Obama has unleashed this, like a plague upon the world. And CNN just put Anderson Cooper on to look pretty. Swine flu was apparently carried into America by college students partying in Cancun. But this disease could not be caught by sleeping with the attractive local boy, Manuel, who said he totally wanted you to meet his mom. This disease is airborne. And it will kill everyone on the planet. Probably . . . not.

A MUDDLER APOLOGY AND RETRACTION

In the last issue of the Muddler, we wrote an article that was very controversial and very hurtful. It contained some false information, and it is only fair that we retract it. Student Body President Patrick Kobler’s campaign was not marred by rumors that he crashed his car in the Chappaquiddick river, leaving his mistress for dead. It was his prostitute. We sincerely apologize to Mr. Kobler for the mistake.

The Muddler

The Muddler Wins Local Reporting Pulitzer R. Gerald Turner. (AP) Yesterday evening, Lee Bollinger, President “It’s coverage far outshined The Dayly Campus’s of Columbia University and distinguished member “Fowntan News,” The Daily of the Pulitzer board, confirmed Mustang’s “Fountain Twitter that The Muddler would be Coverage,” and The Great Wall awarded the Local Reporting Street Journal’s “How Fountains Pulitzer for its coverage of SMU’s Affect Asians. fountains. “In the end, the decision was “As President of Columbia easy.” [University], I know the imporNormally this prestigious tance of fountains on the college award is given to a single writer, experience,” stated Bollinger. but the Pulitzer committee “The Muddler’s coverage of SMU’s continuing support and More fountains, maybe we can win could not get in contact with any of The Muddler staff, as they expansion of its fountain system a Peabody too... have been in hiding in recent as well as the disastrous ‘bubble months for fear of being found incident’ were illuminating.” by SMU President R. Gerald Turner who has come “The Muddler answered every possible question to suspect The Muddler staff for inciting the ‘bubble and concern I had about fountain construction, bubble vandalism, and the fragile mind of President incident’.

A Muddler Special Report: Fountaingate SMU—R. Gerald Turner recently captured the perpetrators who filled the “This is so obnoxious and unnecessary Frank and Val Late” fountain earlier this year, after a long and exhaustive search. President Turner, known as “fountain-crazed” around the administration building, promptly expelled the students and killed them. He has been institutionalized. “All he speaks about is increasing tuition to build more fountains,” said Dr. Graham Akers, Director of the Chief Psychiatric Facility. “He takes his mashed potatoes and forms them into fountain shapes.” Turner’s already fragile, fountain-obsessed mind began to show clear signs of deterioration upon the bubble incident of 2009.

May 2009

Speculation on the part of the staff of doctors assessing Turner’s state-of-mind concluded The Muddler’s article calling the new fountain’s red and blue An image of President Turner’s new home, the Greystone Park State Hospital lights at night “super tacky,” pushed him over the edge. Despite Turner’s current condi- Val Late fountain. Turner hopes that these new tion, two new fountains are still in fountains will cement his legacy the works, adding to a grand total of 47 fountains on SMU’s campus. as someone who never settled for an adequate amount of The first, a $2.5 million circular fountains but always strived for fountain will be built in the basesuperfluity. ment of Meadows. The second, costing 2.7 million, will be built within the pre-existing Frank and

7

Next time in The Muddler Full frontal nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

How to make meth: A tutorial. Obama eats a kitten. R. Gerald Turner escapes from the Chief Psychiatric Facility. He is currently hiding in a fountain lair. One of the Jonas Brothers has sex. Probably the Latino one. “Desmond” from Lost sued for sexual harassment. Judge says trial will be full of philosophical allusions and frankly won’t make any sense. The Soloist released: Jamie Fox receives no plaudits for his performance. According to his co-star Robert Downey Jr, “That’s why you never go full retard.” Star Trek opens to major fanfare. Theaters are full. Mom’s basements are empty.

Wedding Planning Advice Medieval Style

— you could have jousting. SMU-- People are always asking, Maybe it’s us and how much “How can I make my wedding more original?” The Muddler staff we love Medieval Times (did you know there was an episode of has come up with some fabulous Walker Texas Ranger filmed in our suggestions: We’re always at the reception, local Medieval Times, titled ‘Medieval Crimes’?), but our advice is waiting for the bride and groom to have your wedding at Medieval to arrive from the pictures and Times. It’s just convenient. get very hungry. Of course, you It’s address is 2021 N. Stemcannot have the mons, Dallas, TX reception before 75207. Tickets are the wedding (that only $54.95 per would be a preadult (plus tax) ception). and group rates How should are available! this dilemma be The beautiful resolved, you ivy-colored towers might ask? A fun and exciting way of Medieval Times How about servto spend your wedding day Dallas are hard to ing food during miss, as they add the wedding? That such a majesty to the north Texas way everyone’s happy. It’s dinner and a show—like Medieval Times. horizon. The Dallas Castle opened in You could serve ribs and Pepsi, 1992. It hosts medieval games of and you could eat with your skill and authentic jousting tourhands. During the boring parts naments. of the ceremony— between the This article was sponsored by vows and the kiss, for instance— Medieval Times.

The Muddler Staff

8

Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Admiral Erikbar Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler