The Muddler - December 08

[email protected]

Volume Two Issue 3 & 4 December 2008

NBC, Macy’s “Rick Roll” the entire nation

Inspired by the Dr. Pepper/Axl Rose wager, the Yum! food corporation has offered to give everyone in China a free egg roll if China becomes a democracy by January 2009. Citizen interest has faded, however, after learning dipping sauce would cost extra. Barack Obama was recently elected in large part because he promised to radically change the policies of George W. Bush. However, Obama’s recent trend of dressing like Bush and hanging out with him is cause for concern. But sources close to Obama claim there is nothing to worry about. “Mr Obama has merely been charmed by Mr Bush. As soon as he has a couple of ‘midday beers’ with President Bush, the infatuation should fade . . . we hope.” Christian Slater’s “My Own Worst Enemy” was cancelled. Only two people noticed: his mother and his alter ego. Plaxico Burress shoots himself in the leg. When asked why, he responded, “I wanted to do hood rat things with my friends, but it backfired . . . . Oh, shit! Backfired! Get it!”

The Muddler

NEW YORK-- In one of the most well executed prank’s this country has ever seen, NBC and Macy’s got an unsuspecting nation of viewers to watch a live performance of the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley— resulting in the largest-scale “Rick Roll” ever. “Rick Roll-ing” involves the playing of Rick Astley’s song “Never Gonna Give You Up” while an unsuspecting victim watches hoping to see a funny video of a cat riding a Roomba or a monkey riding a segue. The victims, more often than not, are disgusted by Atley’s ludicrous dance moves and ridiculous voice in one of the cheesiest music videos ever made. NBC, whose coverage of the Macy’s day parade gets millions of viewers every year, planned the prank so precisely that many of the viewers did not even realize that they had been pranked. So when a much-aged Astley stepped out and began the dulcet tones of his one hit wonder, America was a nation stunned. “Is any venue safe?” asked many stunned view-

ers. “I mean, I expect this kind of thing from youtube, but NBC? Really? If I wanted to be pissed off by watching TV, I would have tuned into “My Own Worst Enemy,” that ridiculous Christian Slater show.” Others, however, were mightily impressed: “That was the best “Rick Roll” ever! I’ve been “Rick Roll-ing” people for years, but I’ve never caught so many people off-guard all at once. It was amazing.” Either way, the prank was one of the most massive pranks since the Chicago Tribune printed the front page story “DEWEY DEFEAT[ED] TRUMAN” and the most surprising since Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson conspired to make TV regulations more stringent. The Thanksgiving Day “Rick Roll” will no doubt . . . “Never gonna give you up / Never gonna let you down / Never gonna run around and desert you / Never gonna say goodbye / Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you . . . . “ Ha, you’ve been “Rick Rolled,” bitches.

1

Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail. com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

Dear Christian, I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I’ve spent the last 18 months of my life pushing for John McCain to win the Presidency. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years because she wanted Obama, I sold my house and sent the money to McCain Headquarters, and I quit my job so that I could spend more time putting signs in peoples’ yards. Now, I’m just lost. Please help. -Really Remorseful Republican RRR, You think you feel badly, I married a foreigner so that she could vote for John McCain. I gave my workers the morning off so they could vote for McCain, forcing me to drive MYSELF to Starbucks for my morning espresso. Do not tell me about sacrifice. Disgusted, Christian Cornwallis

2

Dear Mr. Cornwallis, My friends all want to see Twilight tonight, but I told them it’s stupid. Opinions? -Surrounded by Simpletons Dear SS, What the fuck is Twilight? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Yo C-Wall, I was out peeping the crowds on Black Friday and shit was wil’n out. My boys and I was straight gettin’ mad dogged by the security guard at Marshall’s. Why they always sweatin’ me? -Wonderin’ Wanksta WW, Were you and “yo boys” wearing anything that might affiliate you with a gang? Perhaps the fact that you were simply standing around outside such a fine establishment as Marshall’s (I had to look up what this store was) caused undue attention. My suggestion would be to clean up your style and dialect, if that doesn’t work “ice dat foo’”. Fo Shiz, Christian Cornwallis ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Mr. Cornwallis, I am being held captive by pirates in Somalia. They said I could send out one letter asking for the ransom to be paid. I know my parents can’t cover it. Do you think you could spare $2,000,000? If not, don’t sweat it, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean like 5 times and the life of pirates seemed pretty cool to me. -Casual Captive CC, Are you serious?!?!? You only had one letter to write and you chose to ask me? And for money? Honestly, I don’t know why I’m responding to this letter, because you’ll never see my column again. Sorry. Best, Christian Cornwallis

The Muddler

Tech Trends Become Cyclical: Expect returns to VHS and Record Players CUPERTINO, Calif.—A surprising, new trend has begun to emerge in the Tech industry. It seems old technology is once again becoming coveted by consumers. According to Moore’s Law, technology performance doubles every eighteen months; although recent consumer trends have prompted technology companies and providers to reverse this trend. It seems 8-track players, Walkmans, and the Macintosh 128K have been the “hot products” so far this holiday season. However, experts claim that consumers were only responding to the viral advertising released by Apple— the multinational consumer electronic and software designer and manufacturer, not the pomaceous fruit (in case you were confused). According to Apple insiders, as successful as the company has been, it still has not been able to avoid some financial difficulties associated with the recent economic downturn. “Well, we had to release a

December 2008

number of creative engineers from our hardware department to try to remain solvent,” stated Steve Jobs. “Obviously, that has had an effect on our ability to produce new, exciting technology.”

Luckily, Philip Schiller, Apple’s SVP of Marketing had an idea: “We decided to market all the old products we had sitting in our warehouses—the iPod G1, the Newton, the Macintosh 128K— they’re all good. And best of all, we’re selling them for a fraction of what we would have to sell new products.”

Like everything else, in technology, it seems Apple is once again leading the way, though experts agree the trend is not likely to last. As soon as the economic trends reverse themselves, Apple—along with other technology companies—will re-hire their creative engineers and begin producing new products. But, since economic trends often go through cycles, do not be surprised if old technology starts appearing again every so often. “It’s already proven to be successful once,” claimed Ulheim Von Youst, a prominent technology blogger. “So, people will continue to milk it until it doesn’t produce results. That’s the way things go.” Until then, however, get those phone lines ready, many of the computers being purchased this holiday season can only connect to the internet through dial-up. God, I hope the experts are wrong. Who needs another fashion industry? I don’t care what anyone says, the Nehru jacket like robot animals were never worthwhile. Why would a second go-around improve them?

3

This Month in History: Creating a W The Muddler, in order to promote awareness of the past, has decided to create new celebrations honoring past events in world history.

December 1 – On this day in 1955, Rosa Parks defied the law by refusing to give up her seat to a white man aboard a Montgomery, Ala., city bus. Parks was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks. Celebrate by breaking other bus regulations, e.g., talk to the driver while the bus is in motion, don’t bother with correct change, sit in handicapped spots.

December 5 – On this day in 1933, the American Prohibition period officially ended when Utah ratified the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment. Celebrate by drinking alcohol like it’s going out of style. December 6 – On this day in 1884, the Washington Monument was completed. Celebrate by admiring a phallic object.

December 2 – On this day in 2001, Enron filed for bankruptcy, alienating millions of stockholders. Celebrate by cheating poor saps out of their hardearned money.

December 3 – On this day in 1947, A Streetcar Named Desire opened on Broadway. Celebrate by yelling “Stella!” in the middle of the street. December 4 – On this day in 1945, the Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations. Celebrate by joining a club and generally ignoring anything they recommend you do.

4

December 8 – On this day in 1776, George Washington’s retreating army crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey to Pennsylvania during the American Revolution. Celebrate by posing as Washington in Emanuel Leutze’s painting “Washington Crossing the Delaware” in a Public place for a minimum of five minutes. If you leave a hat on the ground, you might collect some coins as a street performer. December 11 – On this day in 1872, America’s first black governor took office as Pinckney Benton Stewart Pinchback became acting governor of Louisiana. Celebrate by throwing a party for a friend with four names.

The Muddler

Whole New Set of “Happy Holidays” December 13 – On this day in 1577, Sir Francis Drake of England set out on a journey around the world. It would last three years. Celebrate by joining a band of Somalian Pirates for three years of debauchery and pillaging. December 18 – On this day in 1944, the Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of JapaneseAmericans. Celebrate by exercising a current U.S. measure that will be seen as wildly inappropriate a few years down the road. December 19 – On this day in 1843, Charles Dickens’s classic Yuletide tale, “A Christmas Carol,” was first published in England. Celebrate by watching one of the gazillion movie adaptations of this classic tale. Reading is overrated. December 20 – On this day in 1860, South Carolina seceded from the Union. Celebrate by rebelling against your parents for acting as your moral guardians.

December 24 – On this day in 1851, fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., destroying about 35,000 volumes. Celebrate by going Guy Montague (the early pages) on some books. Then undergo a transformation and memorize a book—1984 maybe. December 25 – On this day in 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England. Celebrate by seizing something that does not belong to you (it should be easy; there will be plenty of presents for the taking).

December 28 – On this day in 1897, “Cyrano de Bergerac,” premiered in Paris. Celebrate by getting a nose job. It’ll make things much easier. Though it’s probably best you not fall in love with someone whom you are related. December 29 – On this day in 1890, the U.S. army surrounded the a large number of Sioux and massacred them. The event became known as the Massacre of Wounded Knee. Celebrate by not remembering what happened, the traditional response for anything Native American.

December 2008

5

Monkey Grinder to SMU: Throw Me A Banana! Dallas, TX – For many undergraduates, the end of semester symbolizes freedom, fun and frolicking; monkey business, essentially. But for Paul Apely, a student wondering how to pay for Spring tuition, ‘monkey business’ yields a wholly different understanding—one that SMU refuses to tolerate. “I tried to raise money by having my pet monkey Alfred dance and do magic tricks all across campus. I thought I was doing a service to everyone: instead of people spending money on Christmas booze, they can reward

Alfred for his amazing monkey talents and help a lover of learning stay in school. I benefit, monkeys benefit, SADD benefits and SMU benefits.” That last one, at least, disagrees. In an official statement granted to The Muddler, an SMU representative said, “While the school supports legal and practical methods for obtaining tuition money, we cannot permit monkey-based panhandling on campus grounds. Impressionable students may be coerced into investing hard-earned and/

or parental funds into a dubious venture. SMU makes a policy of avoiding undue liability and therefore requested that Mister Apely cease his practice.” Despite the decisive judgment, Apely remains ever the entrepreneur. “I don’t care for this monkey discrimination, but I’m thinking I’ll hire some freshmen to do a similar fund-raising act. There’s not much difference between them and Alfred, except for the way you dress ‘em, but when in Rome.”

A Special Muddler Plea for Help Request Dear America, I’m very grateful that The Muddler has given me this opportunity to talk honestly about the state of the auto industry here. I was approached by my head of marketing who told me to plug the *NEW* 2009 Ford Flex, and he asked me to ramble on about the amazing 24 highway mpg and comfortable seating for 7, but I said no. I wanted this time to tell America that Detroit and the Ford Motor Company are looking out for the common man. We are making our vehicles more fuel efficient and economical and are just asking for a few dollars from the government in return. Do you think it’s cheap to develop a completely redesigned Mustang for 2010? No! We have to live up to the name that shaped much of our great nation’s past. Some people worry that the bailout goes against free market societies, but it doesn’t. Trust me. My great-granddaddy, Henry Ford got this whole

6

car “thing” going, so if you like driving and owning a car, you should be thanking my family. Why not thank us for all we’ve done by sending a check to the Car and Auto Society Helpers (PLEASE: abbreviate C.A.S.H). We’ll use the money to increase benefits for our employees which will make them more efficient employees which will allow us to produce better, more affordable cars for you, the consumer. Checks should be addressed Ford Investor Relations ATTN: C.A.S.H. One American Road, Suite 1026 Dearborn, MI 48126-2798 Any little bit helps. Our jets need fuel and our offices more comfortable chairs. Thank you and God bless America, William C. Ford, Jr. Executive Chairman of the Ford Motor Company

The Muddler

Christmas Lights: An Alien Attraction Dallas, TX – Winter is nigh, and with the rising chill comes the hanging of Christmas lights at SMU. Students slowed by the cold have no doubt noticed the crews hard at work, employing heavy-duty equipment for festivity’s sake—at least, that’s what they want you to think. The reality? SMU hopes to dine with extraterrestrials this holiday season. “The set-up is perfect,” commented Machi Bogovich, community organizer for SMU’s All Life Intersects Earthly Nebulae club (A.L.I.E.N.). “No one would suspect Christmas lights as the cover for a huge light-based code intended to attract alien attention. It seems so harmless—which we all know is the first sign of danger.” The method is dangerous, according to Bogovich, chiefly because of insufficient evidence regarding alien fondness of human holidays and multi-colored light pollution. “How do we know Christmas lights aren’t the equivalent of flipping off another alien on Mars? This isn’t just fire we’re playing with; it’s potential laser beams.” Bogovich then preceded to simulate, with gestures and sounds, the massive explosion of Washington D.C. in the movie Independence Day. Abduction remains another serious concern. “College students hold as much risk as cows,” Bogovich explained, because of the two creatures’ similar sluggish movement, glazed expressions, unending appetites, disinterest in nongrazing affairs, and likelihood of being viewed by others as a ‘piece of meat’. All of which confuse our nebular neighbors, apparently. Nonetheless, A.L.I.E.N. suspects ulterior motives on behalf of SMU. “It’s a win-win deal for the institution,” club treasurer Stacy Creazy told The Muddler. “SMU loves controversial acquisitions, as the Bush Library makes apparent. Can you

December 2008

imagine the publicity for an alien abduction? And with the economy in crisis and per student costs rising, the school could afford a few such spectacles.” But why pillage SMU and not, say, light-happy Highland Park residents? Simple: study value. As A.L.I.E.N. Club leader Jack Slack elucidated, “If there’s one thing we’re sure about, it’s that aliens avoid housewives like the plague—we suspect the cause to be some botched abductions during the 1950s. But college students have the potential for enlightening the universe as to the depth and breadth of human capacities. We can only hope the UFO beam handlers aim well. And by well, I mean at me.” Thusly, SMU students should take precautions this Christmas, lest aliens learn humanity’s greatest secret: namely, how college kids continue to live after drowning themselves in questionable mixtures of eggnog and alcohol.

7

Karl Rove Joins Democrats in Victory WASHINGTON D.C.-- The Republican Party had less to give thanks for this past Thanksgiving as Karl Rove has fallen in love with Barack Obama and defected to the Democratic Party. Perhaps he is finally showing his true colors. In a recent article for the Wall Street Journal Online, Rove outlined what he calls a “reassuring economic team.” Rove’s comments about Obama’s new economic team have sparked a furious reaction from his former allies in the Republican Party (though you’d think they would be accustomed to his morally dubious tactics, having embraced and promoted this tactic for years). “No doubt that his long term relationship to them was merely a front to run his Liberal policies from under the Republican’s good name,” Sean Hanity said of Rove, “He is nothing but a slimy Benedict Arnold, and I have always hated him.” Rove’s tactics have tried to undermine the Republican Party for years. Rove was the mastermind behind the Republican Party’s nomination of its

The Muddler Staff

8

Pat Begley Dane Brannan Therik Jolie-Pitt Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Shawn White

dumbest (at least I.Q.-wise) candidate ever in 2000, George W. Bush. His plan backfired, however, when Bush’s “strategery” policies stunningly won the White House in one of America’s closest elections against the “lockbox” favorite, Al Gore. Rove notoriously tried again to sour Bush’s name in the 2004 South Carolina campaign by stuffing people’s mailboxes with hundreds of annoying pamphlets and trash mail. He also ran a fictitious phone tree ad against the stronger Republican candidate, John McCain, alleging that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child in the hopes that his actions would garner sanctions from the Republican Party. But again, Rove was thwarted when the incumbent President won the eventual nomination, and later the election after the Democratic Party ran the world’s most boring candidate ever, John “Horseface” Kerry. Undoubtedly, Rove’s defection will come as a shock to most Americans, but it shouldn’t be that surprising as Rove is the equivalent of a political “slut.” Besides, it’s where his heart’s been all along.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler