The Muddler - Feb 09

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Volume Two Issue 5 February 2009

Phelps Smokes Weed, Man Phelps sends gold medals to Cash4Gold.com to pay for some dank weed. Ben Roethlisberger celebrates Super Bowl win with motorcycle ride; victory short lived. Sorority rush concludes; singles guys on the prowl for desperate girls that got cut. Obama says he will only celebrate every other day of Black History Month.

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DALLAS, TEXAS— Photographs of Michael Phelps smoking from a marijuana bong surfaced this week. Despite giving a public apology, critics claim he could lose millions in sponsorship deals.

And yet, for the first time since he won his record 8 gold medals in Beijing, there are people other than horny women who think this guy is fucking awesome. “Fucking Phelps, man. I saw that fucker at the Olympics and I was

like, who the fuck does he think he is . . . hogging all the glory, stealing the spotlight. What a selfish prick,” said an SMU freshman who wanted to remain nameless. “But now I totally respect Phelps. I would totally fucking blaze the man. “And you seen all the food he eats. He says it’s because of all the calories he burns swimming. But that motherfucker has the fucking munchies, man. No doubt. Well, I’m off. Gonna go watch Fantasia.”

Shitbag Handler Consoles Kid Named Hitler A thirty-five year old man named Shitbag Handler has been called by the state of New Jersey social services to help council 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell and his sisters JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Handler says that he could teach the children how to deal with the constant taunting, the embarrassment, and the difficulty of getting any sort of identification. “I used to worry every time roll was called in

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school. My only friends growing up were the foreign kid, Annyong, and the girl who ate her own shoe. And I can never get served a drink in a bar without them thinking I’m using the stupidest fake ID ever.” New Jersey social services removed the children from their home in early January due to reports of abuse and risk of the children’s safety. Handler claims that with some mild counseling and the children resolving to never live a normal life, they should be just fine.

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘[email protected]’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

Dear Christian, Your grandmother who is a close friend of mine told me that you might have some advice for me. My corporation (which I cannot name due to legal reasons) has just announced that we will be receiving money from the Obama Stimulus Plan. That means that executives such as myself must take a pay cut with a salary cap of $500,000. I just don’t know how I’ll survive. It’s outrageous. To think that an entire years worth of work won’t even pay for my son’s sports car is absurd. What does a learned man such as yourself recommend? -Slighted Superior SS, I understand your pain. I too have been hit hard by the economic times. I’ve cut down on my trips to Marrakech and even had to lay off my favorite masseuse. But $500,000… who are they kidding? As a man of means, you couldn’t even cover your gardener with that salary. I say that you give Barack the ole’ heave hoe and send his strings attached cash right back to him. Best, Christian Cornwallis

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Mr. Cornwallis, My girlfriend (ugh) wants me to take her to see He’s Just Not That Into You but obviously I would rather sandpaper an alligator’s asshole in a phone booth. The simple fact that she even wants me to take her to see this movie makes me want to end the whole relationship. What’s your take on this atrocity of a film? -Befuddled Beau BB, First off, unless she’s a model or can make sure that you never have to work again, she is replaceable, as is any girlfriend like her. Now, here’s what you need to do. Bring her to the movie; buy her some popcorn, some Sour Patch Kids, and even one of those sodas that no one should finish lest their bladder rupture. Cuddle in real close during the previews and hold her hand, then sit through the first hour of this two and a half hour train wreck; make sure to have a few sips of that soda. Next, excuse yourself to the bathroom; give her a little peck on the cheek. NEVER return. Now I don’t think this scenario is covered in the movie, so she still may not fully understand what happened, but hopefully after reading a few more editions of Cosmo and hours of girl talk, you’ll never have to deal with her again. Good luck, Christian Cornwallis

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Nicolas Cage: World’s Greatest Actor BURBANK, CA— Critics of Nicolas Cage have long stated that his sometimes wooden, sometimes over the top performances rank him among history’s worst actors. Today they were all proven wrong when in a press conference Mr. Cage announced he was actually a 78 year old Korean man named Kang Hak-geun. “He has accomplished the greatest acting of all time,” said New York Film School professor Albert Kinneson. “For year’s he has acted, non-stop, giving a breathtaking, natural performance as an actor who has never

Tyler Perry Sues Obama WASHINGTON D.C.— In a stunning move today, African American comedian and movie star Tyler Perry filed suit against President Barack Obama over allegations his administration is plagiarizing a TV script he wrote years ago. “I was gonna play the first black president. Cool, funny, and yet ridiculously attractive. My wife was written to be outspoken, abrasive, yet sweet. Vivica A. Fox had verbally committed to that part. And I was gonna get some high-strung whitey for a vice president. Kelsey Grammer would have been good.” Attorneys for President Obama denied Mr. Perry’s claims, but admit the similarities are striking. In a press release, they claimed, “any comparisons are coincidences. And President Obama has no neighbor/best friend character resembling Cedric the Entertainer.” Perry is adamant, though. He added during his press conference, “come on everyone. He’s got his old, yet sassy, mother-in-law moving into the white house. Doesn’t that just sound like something from a Tyler Perry film.” He also added it would be the perfect opportunity for him to dress up in drag. Again.

February 2009

given a breathtaking, natural performance.” Hak-geun explained his metamorphosis and his reasons. “At all times, when being Nicolas, I would think how can my acting be more boring, more self-aware, and less interesting.” As for why he chose to portray a terrible actor, and not a good one, Hak-geun continued, “a good actor playing a good actor is no challenge. But for me to play someone who sucks this bad...” The actor trailed off, and then apologized for Ghost Rider.

M u Ex dd Re clu ler vi si ew ve

Man Thinks Twilight Sucks

SMU--A college age male was left bored and angry following a screening of Twilight last Saturday at AMC Northpark Theater. “Umm, more than anything I’m confused. I mean it sucked. Really bad,” claimed SMU sophomore Tyler Gondry. “If this is what’s popular, I guess everyone else is a moron.” Tyler’s complaints included poor dialogue, lead actor Robert Pattison’s stupid hair, and a clear lack of vampire lore knowledge. “These vampires are fine with garlic and crucifixes, don’t sleep in coffins, are killed by other ways than stake through the heart or decapitation, and can go out into the sunlight. Into the sunlight for Christ’s sake! They don’t burn up or anything. Their skin gets sparkly. Sparkly!” But Tyler admits his criticisms may be unnecessary. “What’s the point in finding its faults? It’s porn for tween girls. Who cares?”

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Former Pres. Bush out clearing SMU’s Brush DALLAS, TEXAS— Several students have reported seeing ex-President George W. Bush in work clothes clearing fallen limbs around the suburban Dallas campus. “He was in a Canadian tuxedo, you know denim shirt and jeans, and he was dragging this branch right past HughesTrigg,” noted first-year James Walsh. “He seemed to be having a conversation with Tony Blair, but strangely he was doing both voices. If it wasn’t for the 15 men

in black suits, I wouldn’t have recognized him.” SMU’s Human Resources department published a press release stating that, “President Bush is not officially employed by the University but we have been giving him free Dr. Pepper and one Chick-fil-A meal per day.” It appears that W has embraced Obama’s call for public service, and SMU is the lucky recipient of his hard work. Bush’s people could not be reached for comment.

The Muddler Staff

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Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Therik Jolie-Pitt Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson Shawn White

Rap Lyric of the Month: Nigga I’m the shit get the fuck up out my towlet. Hip-hop addict, hip-hop addict Man I swear I’m on top like the attic Song: RLa La Album: Tha Carter III Artist: Lil’ Wayne

"Life According to Christian Bale" On Excercise

"No, I don't need any fucking walking. He needs to stop walking." On Learning Disabilities

"What don't you fucking understand?" On Escort Services

"Seriously man, you and me, we're fucking done professionally." On Interior Decorating

"Do you want me to go fucking trash your lights? Do you want me to go trash 'em?" On Disagreements with Others

"I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass."

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

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