The Muddler - May 08

http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.com [email protected]

Volume One, Issue 5 May 2008

SMU To Celebrate Homogeneity Week

Congress is expected to introduce a bill to protect blind people from hybrid cars in its next session. No word yet on the bill to protect mute people from drive thru machines. The recent visit by the Pope to the U.S. has sparked an all white fashion trend across the country. Red shoe sales are also up. Two Picasso paintings were stolen from the Louvre. Reports claim the paintings likely appear confused. San Angelo polygamist sect rejects Michael Jackson’s requests to become spokesthing Botox injection sales continue to rise. Botox CEOs do not look surprised. In fact, their faces do not seem to show any kind of expression at all. Kanye West apologizes for calling Sacramento “Seattle,” but claims both cities still don’t like black people.

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UNIVERSITY PARK, TX - Vice Presi- ceived notions.” dent of Student Affairs, Peter This new program is a Tribett, announced that starting broader embrace of the homogFall 2008, SMU will begin to cele- enized culture within SMU. The brate the SMU’s true culture with school feels that the greater a brand new program: “Homoge- part of homogeneity is achieved neity Week”. through in “Whethcreased outer you are reach and reAnglo-Saxoncruitment into Protestant already overor just Anglorepresented Protestant, or communities of whether your well-off white latest BMW Christians, and model is a 5 via organizaseries or a 3 tions representThe Muddler’s special tribute ing these comseries, we can to the unique culture of SMU come together where each color represents a munities such and celebrate as the Dave different ethnicity. our similarities,” Matthews Band said Tribett in a statement issues fan club and the Lack of Rhythm earlier this week. Dance Club. “Furthermore, the ad Part of the celebration will ministration has realized that also include a series of lectures the students find comfort in not including: “Collar up, collar down: having to be exposed to other The timeless debate” and “Maycultures or beliefs,” he continued. onnaise: Is there any food it can’t “The school hopes not to place enhance?” students into a vulnerable posi All in all, it should be a ription where they may be forced roaring event with lots of fun and to question any of their preconjolly good times.

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For years Christian Cornwallis has been imparting his vast knowledge on others to improve everyone’s lives. If you have any questions please send them to themuddler. [email protected] with the heading Dear Christian or shoot Christian a facebook message.

Dear Christian, This summer, my parents are telling me that I need to get a job because they don’t want me to bum around for three months. Now I’m not much for working or really doing anything difficult for that matter. What sort of summer jobs could you recommend? -Summertime Schlump Dear SS, The key to any quality summer job is two main elements: sun and chicks, or if you’re a little older and like someone with some experience, sun and cougars. With this in mind all you need to do is think of places to get the two together and not have to wear a stupid uniform. Resorts and country clubs always hire towel boys and if I know anything about cougars it’s that they always need someone to put lotion on for them. If the heat isn’t your style, you need to find a job with a boss that doesn’t care how lazy you are. Possibly as a mall security guard or maybe President of the United States. Just get out there and see what you can find. Sincerely, Christian Cornwallis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Mr. Cornwallis, All the recent news about the polygamists in San Angelo got me thinking. Who ever decided that polygamy was so bad? I really think that we need to get some reevaluation about this topic. I don’t think I’m asking for too much to have a different wife cook each of my three daily meals. What do you think? - Polygamy Ponderer

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Dear PP, This has been a question that I’ve discussed with my friends before. I have a large enough house to make King Fahd’s store of concubines feel spread out, I can afford to take care of numerous women, and I’m one hell of a lover. So why shouldn’t I be allowed to have all the wives I want? One word, safety. If you get that many women together in your house, you’re going to experience chafing. No way around it. That sort of a thing just isn’t healthy or safe. The government has made laws outlawing polygamy for your safety. If I was you, I would write my congressman just to thank him for looking out for the little man. Take care, Christian Cornwallis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------During the past few months, we received many letters and not all of them could be published because they were either too graphic, too illegal, or just too stupid. But Christian has decided to answer some of the short quick questions that readers sent in so that you can get to know your favorite advice columnist.

What’s your favorite position? Left footed dragon slayer.

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What do you do for a living besides write for The Muddler? As little as possible. Have you ever thought about having kids? I have them. I mean, I can’t be sure but… I MUST. How much are you worth? Enough that sometimes I just pay homeless people to answer your questions. You’re disgusting! That wasn’t a question What is one of your goals in life? To make Wilt Chamberlain look like a lanky virgin Who is the most interesting person you’ve ever met? The man in the mirror If you could have any wish granted what would it be? Less stupid questions Do you ever date women that you give advice to? As long as you weren’t the ugly chick who always got called the wrong name, then give me a call Do you use a Mac or a PC? I use a PC because I save my mack for the ladies Will you be back next year to keep brightening our lives? As long as the FCC doesn’t find my column, I’ll see you in August. Enjoy your time in the sun. Best, Christian Cornwallis

May 2008

Surprisingly Generous Satan Throws Saddam a lavish Birthday party 5th BOLGIA, 8th CIRCLE, HELL— Last night, Satan, the ultimate man of wealth and taste, threw Saddam Hussein an extravagant 71st birthday party complete with dancing, a chocolate fountain and a live disco cover band. One party attendee said that the party was both extravagant and “oldworldly,” and the party had a distinctly “Earthy” feel to it. “I really felt as though Satan hit the nail on the head with this party. He really paid attention to detail making sure all of Saddam’s favorites were there. The Bee Gee’s cover band was an especially nice touch. Everyone knows Saddam thought he was a better choice than John Travolta for the lead in Saturday Night Fever.” As for Saddam, he was dressed in a beautiful red Armani halter mini-dress, matched with Jill Stuart t-strap heels. “He looked hot,” one partygoer gushed. All of Hell turned out to

dance and party with Saddam, including a number of rumored exes of Satan. Though this did not seem to dampen Satan’s or Saddam’s fun. “Saddam is trying to enjoy his time in Hell,” Saddam’s good friend Fra Dolcino adamantly declared. “I don’t think he’s looking for any kind of commitment at this juncture.” (Dolcino met Saddam in the 8th circle of hell where both resided in 2006, and they have been friends ever since exchanging stories about their time on Earth.) Currently there is no word on whether or not Satan and Saddam will be getting back to their steamy relationship any time soon. When reached for comment about his current status, Saddam only replied “Relax, guy.” But in the words of celebrity couple Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, “It sure was one hell of a party!”

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New Data Reveals that SMU is Now: The University for Poor Students UNIVERSITY PARK, TX-- SMU is characterized around the country as a school for spoiled rich kids. Is this reputation really valid? Are SMU students really a bunch of wealthy snobs? The Muddler staff decided to investigate on campus to find out, and what we discovered may be shocking. It turns out that SMU students are actually overwhelmingly poor. When we took a short walk around campus we found students who spoke out about how underprivileged students here truly are. The first student we conversed with, who may be the poorest kid we’ve ever talked to, attested to the plight of many SMU students. The student, Sophomore Anthony Anderson, explained, “I don’t know why people think SMU is so rich. This one time I saw this dude driving a ’96 Ford Taurus in Airline Garage. I wanted to be like: ‘Are you serious, bro?’ It was so ghetto.” When we asked Anderson what kind of car he drives, he said, “Actually, I drive a Chevy Avalanche. I really wanted a new Escalade truck, but my parents are like the poorest adults ever. I went ahead and replaced all the Chevy logos with Cadillac ones so I won’t seem as poor. I just hope no one notices.” Anderson’s depressing state of affairs can be seen all around campus. One student, Junior Julia Stevenson has seen the hardships of SMU students’ first-hand. Stevenson divulged,

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I think she grew up on a farm or “SMU students are actually way poorer than people think. For ex- something.” These depressing accounts ample, there is this one girl in my are not unusual. The Muddler sorority that I just feel so bad for Staff uncovered countless stories sometimes. Last week we were about how poor SMU kids are all going out for sushi and she was all like, ‘I don’t get my allow- from students all over campus. ance until the end of the week so Understandably, many readers may be shocked by these remarkI can’t go out to eat until then.’ able stories, so we provided some We all had a good laugh about it at the time, but on the inside I felt valuable statistics just to prove really bad for her. I mean, how do how poor SMU has become. people become that poor?” Proof of Poorness I know most readers are prob-42% of students do not have ably thinking that the access to a parent’s credit preceding stories can card not be true. Those -38% of students come from famreaders will be espeilies who do not own a vacation cially shocked by this home next testimony. One -34% of students do not receive SMU sophomore, unlimited pony/flex dollars from Alyssa McDonald, saw their parents just how bad things -19% of students have never have gotten on her made a significant purchase at recent trip to North North Park Park mall. She ex-92% of students wish they plains, “Last week my could be richer than they are friends and I all went to Neiman Marcus to Appalling, we know. Conget some new summer outfits. sequently, next time you think to This one freshman girl we went judge remember, SMU students with just kept on looking around are generally not as well off as and not buying anything. When I the stereotypes may have you asked her what was wrong, she said that she didn’t have any cash believe. So next time you you’re and so she couldn’t get anything. blasting “Life’s Been Good” in your Maserati with a group of I tried to tell her just to use her friends, do not automatically Neiman’s card, but she told me expect everyone to sing with the that she didn’t even have a Neiutmost enthusiasm. man Marcus credit card. I felt embarrassed just to be with her.

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This Week in History: From the Archives April 29th, 1945 MUDDLER EXCLUSIVE: Happy German Couple Weds in Bunker Führerbunker, BERLIN, GERMANY— Legendary German Dictator Adolf Hitler married his secretary and long-time girlfriend Eva Braun in their lovely bunker home in Berlin. Some insiders said that it was a relatively quiet, charming ceremony, the only distraction being the sounds of bombs dropping outside and gunfire surrounding the quaint shelter. “The service was beautiful and simple. I think the Hitlers will have a beautiful honeymoon in Argentina,” one Third Reich rep said. The Mr. And Mrs. Führer planned the picturesque escape to the South American country to relax on the beach, get a tan, and enjoy each other’s company. “Der Führer looks strapping in his bathing suit,” another rep said. But another well-informed insider said that Der Führer was planning a special treat for his new wife the day following their wedding. “I think Der Führer has something special planned for her, the ultimate romantic act. He would really love to commit suicide and travel to the next life with his beautiful wife. It’s a really beautiful sentiment.” The Hitlers were unavailable for comment. April 30th, 1927

May 2008

committed suicide in the most romantic of fashions: beneath 30 feet of earth in a dark, dingy, concrete bunker. What happened to their tickets to and their reservations in beautiful Argentina are a mystery lost to time. April 30th, 1927 Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford become the first celebrities to leave their footprints in concrete at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood, beginning a tradition amongst stars of vandalizing the area in front of the once well-groomed and classy theatre. The once prestigious theatre is now a haven of common street performers and worthless non-Californians. It’s a shame that some stars believe they are above the law. And Grauman’s theatre is a tragic reminder of what happens when they out-step their bounds.

Adolf Hitler and Wife Eva Braun

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Senate Passes Bill to Make HALO Illegal WASHINGTON D.C.— Last Tuesday, after a fiery and impassioned debate, the U.S. Senate inadvertently passed a bill to make HALO, a popular video game series, the equivalent of an illegal narcotic. The bill to make HALO illegal was paper clipped to a bill raising the Senators annual salary. The reasoning behind the initiative supposedly to help them deal with rising gas prices and the falling value of the dollar. When prompted as to why he risked passing the paper clipped initiative to make HALO illegal and pissing off an entire generation of males, Senator Joe Biden responded: “It’s a tough time for everybody. Senate included. I mean do you know how much it costs to fill up a private jet? It’s ridiculous.” And Biden is not alone. Despite the ‘tack on’ to make HALO illegal, the bill passed 88 to 6. Apparently, the economy is that bad. “It’s all right,” claimed Daniel Akaka. “Young people don’t vote anyway. So we don’t expect any retribution.” Larry Craig agreed: “Danny’s right. There’s no reason for us to expect a protest vote. Besides, it’ll be good for ‘em in the long run. That game was bad news.” However, the banning of HALO has had some unforeseen, negative effects. The DEA has reported that cartels are already forming in order to smuggle the addictive game into the United States. Michelle Leonhart, head of the DEA, has de-

e g 8 a 0 r e v 20 o C n o i t c e l E

Bronson Endorses McCain

Legendary actor, Charles Bronson, announced his endorsement for Republican candidate Sen. John McCain on Monday. Bronson, best know for portraying vigilante Paul Kersey in the Death Wish franchise declared, “Vote for McCain or I will shoot you in the face”.

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clared “the added task forces, undercover officers, and legal teams that are being created to curb and prosecute the new influx of this most heinous of crimes is expected to cost tax payers upwards of $4 billion dollars—silly money, really. Mothers everywhere are also worried and new groups such as Mothers Against HALO (MAHALO) are beginning to form across the nation. Though no one is thanking them for their unwanted policing. According to most gamers—as they call themselves—it’s a harmless crime. “We r not hrming any1, man,” messaged an anonymous gamer on a chat forum. “We just wnt 2 b.” Unfortunately for the “gamers,” however, the repeal of the law is not likely to happen any time soon. And as long as the law is in place, mothers will be worried. The best case scenario for gamers is to hope for another pay increase bill to reach the Senate floor. If this occurs, Dianne Feinstein has vowed to paper clip a measure restating the legality of HALO. “It shouldn’t face opposition in that case, not even from Jim [Webb]” she claimed. Webb was the mastermind behind the construction of the measure to make HALO illegal. Feinstein continued: “He just wanted to make a splash as a new senat200or. Besides, who among us is going to turn down a raise?”

Hillary Loses Purse At Debate Sen. Hillary Clinton (D) NY misplaced her purse at the most recent Pennsylvania Democratic debates. The Senator claimed to be “totally pissed” about the missing handbag. Some of the important items inside include: a new Alltel phone with unlimited night and weekend minutes, blueprints for the further decay of American morals, and her husbands balls.

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SMU Students on Art: Shakespeare out, Squirrels In DALLAS, TX – Not content with a repository of videos from people who never learned the phrase “production values”, a band of elite YouTube users at SMU, creatively called the YouTubers, have begun a grass roots campaign promoting the site’s artistic merit. YouTubers, known for using their YouTube handles in real life, claim that many videos deserve the art label even more than most works of literature. “Take off the academic blinders for a minute,” said Group Founder RobotKing. “Waterskiing squirrels and people singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ in their bedrooms are the new face of our culture, imparting very deep statements about the nature of excellence, acceptance and the American dream.” RobotKing continued: “Shakespeare can’t do that. In fact, I saw a very powerful video on YouTube that suggests Shakespeare is just a huge conspiracy designed by the education system to torture students.” When asked to clarify about what constitutes the American dream, Welch replied, “YouTube fame, obviously.” He then returned to monitoring the hits on his latest video, a musical collage in which he does ‘The Robot’ to various Korean pop songs. Another group member, hereby known as Parrot, echoed the sentiment. “Reading is a waste of time. A waste of time. I don’t like big words. Don’t like ‘em. Reading those big words and then having to think about them all and write long pa-

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pers, it’s all such a waste. Such a waste. YouTube not only saves paper, but it’s relevant to my life. Yes, to my life. Why shouldn’t it be art?” When asked how water-skiing squirrels are relevant to his life, Parrot replied, “They are very relevant. I’m training some squirrels I caught so that they can go down in history as the first critters to water ski around the world in 80 days. No creature alive has ever gone around the world in 80 days, and that’s a fact. A fact, I say!” The Muddler took these views to SMU students and received such insightful commentary as “Aw, yeah, those squirrels were so cute!” One 20-year-old male mentioned that YouTube provided a way for him to relax and “forget about the exam” he was skipping. A group of females hanging out in Java City noted that YouTube has expanded their global awareness; they then proceeded to discuss shoes. However, when questioned on the artistic merits of YouTube videos as compared to Walt Whitman’s Songs of Myself, many students looked confused. One astute fellow offered his opinion that “anything on YouTube could be art compared to that lame album. But hey, what good came out of the 1980s aside from that Emancipation Declaration or whatever it’s called?” In other news, several SMU English majors have reported sudden feelings of nausea and immense sorrow, followed by a burning desire to figuratively and/or literally stab others. No causes have been identified, so students are advised not to ask their English major friends to write their final essays for them. Search for “five easy steps to a great paper” on YouTube, instead.

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Robo Doh to Feature in Untitled JJ Abrams Monster Flick WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA— Last Week, Southern Methodist University’s men’s basketball coach, Matt Doherty was on a recruiting trip at the Sands Motel in downtown Dimmitt, Texas, trying to convince local rube Tom Dogoody to come to the big city to play basketball in front of literally 328 people a night. To say the least, Tom was impressed. Two days ago, however, the tables were turned, as JJ Abrams made a personal trip to Dallas, Texas, to try to convince Coach Matt Doherty to sign with his production company, Bad Robot, to use his likeness in an upcoming monster film. “Oh, we’re very interested in Coach Doh,” claimed Bryan, Executive Vice President of Bad Robot Productions. “There is a certain uniqueness that he will bring to the table—and really that’s what the Hollywood film industry’s all about.” Coach Doherty first caught the attention of Bad Robot when they uncovered a promotional video online of him, or ‘Robo Doh’, a robotic monster with the head of Coach Doherty, crashing across the screen shooting lasers from his eyes. “It was absolutely ingenious,” claimed Abrams. “Right from the start we knew we had to have him.” Of course, Bad Robot was not the only production company who expressed interest in Robo Doh. Touchstone Pictures, Universal Studios and even United Artists all placed calls into Coach

The Muddler Staff

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Dane Brannan Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Micah Nerio Erik Olsen Frank Robinson Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Shawn White

Doherty requesting a sit down. “Sure, I listened to the various production companies,” stated Coach Doherty. “They all had good pitches. Tom Cruise even called on behalf of United Artists. He offered me a $3,000,000 dollar deal plus residuals and immediate access to Operating Thetan level II [an attainable rank within the church of Scientology]. But I felt it would only be a lateral move for me, and I’m looking for a little more at this point in my life.” “In the end, though, Bad Robot Productions just seemed like the right fit.” So last night, along with his family, Athletic Director Steve Orsini, and President R. Gerald Turner, Coach Matt Doherty officially signed with Bad Robot Productions in an informal ceremony. “We couldn’t be happier for Matt,” declared Steve Orsini. “I remember when we trounced around Florida Atlantic together. He always talked about wanting to have his likeness used in a huge, blockbuster, monster film, but who would’ve guessed his dream would come true.” “Yeah,” chimed in President Turner, “maybe now SMU’s dream of having a winning basketball team may fall into place too.” Pre-production on Untitled JJ Abrams/Robo Doh Project has already begun. Its release date is currently speculated to be January 2010.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

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