The Muddler - March 08

http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.com

DENVER,COLORADO— Although the democratic presidential nomination has yet to be decided, the Democratic Party, under the leadership of Howard Dean, is doing its best to lock up as many voters as possible for the upcoming November election. Due to the general apathy of the majority of the American youth when it comes to politics, the Democrats have tried to think outside the box as to how to obtain this elusive demographic. And thanks to a poll conducted on New York University students, they are confident they have an answer. “iPods,” screamed Howard Dean. “Woooahwww!” According to the poll, 20% of students would give up their vote in the upcoming election for an iPod and two-thirds would do so for a year’s college tuition. However, since turnout amongst youth has been so low in the past, 20% seems to be all the Democrats need. “It’s enough to push us over the edge,” stated Eliot Spitzer. “All we really need is enough votes to cover up all the mistakes we as a party seem to make every campaign.” Former president Bill Clinton also believes

Volume One, Issue 3 March 2008

this is a step in the right direction for the Democrats. “iPods are the perfect way to attain youth votes. You won’t believe what I’ve gotten young girls to do for iPods, uh he ha ha.” With the added youth votes attained via iPod, the Democrats believe they can overcome the vastly superior Republican campaign machine in the upcoming presidential election. However, they may be getting ahead of themselves. Whispers out of the Republican National Committee camp seem to point to their very own strategy to attaining the youth vote. “It’s just like the Democrats to think small,” asserted RNC chairman Mike Duncan. “Locking up someone’s vote for one year? That’s child’s play. To be successful you have to think like a cigarette company. Get ‘em young and keep ‘em forever.” “You see, there was another, more viable part of the poll the Democrats ignored. Half the students said they would renounce their vote permanently for one million dollars. All we’re doing is getting them to sign their vote over to us as opposed to renouncing it.” With the Republicans locking up 50% of the nations future votes, they should be a formidable political force to deal with in the future. It looks like the Democrats once again have failed to see the big picture, once again falling short.

New Toons at War with Wholesome Old Shows BURBANK, CALIFORNIA —Doug, Angry Beavers, Salute My Shorts – these venerable names are unknown to a new generation of cartoon watchers. In their place: The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hanna Montana and Zoey 101.

The Muddler

According to a new study from the Institute for Quality in Television (IQTV), these “hip” new programs are capable of damaging not only the “hallowed halls of history, but the very core of children’s souls.”

“What happened to the shows that any age group could watch and appreciate? What happened to the pleasing art styles and witty writing? That’s what we Continued on Page 2---

1

Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail. com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add Christian as your Facebook friend.

Dear Christian, I’m in my early twenties and have been dating someone online for the past few months. Lately, though, we have been talking more and more about meeting face to face. I’m worried about taking this next step because I know I won’t be as smooth in person. Any advice would greatly help? - Email Escort -----------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear EE, A question about the ladies is just up my alley. Obviously I’ve had more than my fair share of women but because I’m not ugly, I’ve never dated online before. Despite my lack of direct experience, however, my freshman roommate told me many stories about his online conquests. My advice is to lose the pocket protector, get that acne covered up and change out of your Captain

2

Kirk uniform. Just don’t get your hopes too high when looking in the mirror. Remember, no matter how much you polish a toilet it will always catch shit. Now get out there, you Trekie and knock the dust off her motherboard.

Nick’s War on Good Toons cont. want to know,” proclaimed IQTV Chief Director Denis LaMenice. “Nickelodeon and Disney, the latter especially, have abandoned the quality show in favor of appealing to the status quo, and our Live Long and Prosper, children deserve better.” When asked about hit Christian Cornwallis cartoons like Nickelodeon’s ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SpongeBob SquarePants, LaMenDear Christian, ice said, “SpongeBob used to a good example of how to make a Last month my great uncle universally accessible show. But passed away and left me with it appears even that little sponge a large sum of money. The only absorbed the negative influence problem is that his dying wish of these more ‘realistic’ shows was that I “do something noble aimed at adolescents who have with the money.” But I just want been robbed of a sense of taste to blow the money on lavish by a stifling American culture that things. Unfortunately, his words these big corporations seem so keep ringing in my head. What keen on perpetuating. Simply put, should I do? it isn’t that funny anymore, and we want to root out the cause.” -Conflicted Claimant The Muddler could not bypass the addictive games on NickDear CC, elodeon’s Web site to reach the contact page, and called Disney As a fortunate cion, I instead. A company representaunderstand your predicament. tive, whose age and gender could Luckily for you, however, I benot be clearly identified by vocal lieve I have a solution to your pitch alone, told us that IQTV is impasse. Three small letters: M15, merely looking for a scapegoat to as in the ‘Noble’ M15 super car. ease nostalgic feelings. You want lavish: 455 hp, 0-60 in “Like, That’s So Raven is 3.5 seconds, and a top speed of totally awesome!” the represen185 miles per hour seems lavish tative stated. “I watch it, like, enough to me. This is the perfect every day! Those guys are, like, gift to mend the hole left by your so stuffy. Tell them they can, like, dearly departed benefactor. But just talk to the hand.” The repremaybe get it in black so people sentative then snapped her (his?) know you’re still mourning. Stay fingers in a Z formation, presumstrong through this tough time. ably a sign of the conversation’s closure. Best, The true morale of the study: people should just read Christian Cornwallis more.

The Muddler

Barack Obama Continues to Ride ‘I’m Not Racist Vote’ to Victory PUNXSUTAWNEY, PENNSYLVANIA— Barack Obama’s meteoric rise within the democratic presidential field has been nothing short of remarkable. From out of nowhere, Obama is now the frontrunner in a very tightly contested race for the democratic presidential nomination. But now many people are wondering just how Obama has been so successful. Recent analysis suggests that his success can be attributed to one key demographic that he has clearly dominated: the “I swear I’m not racist” community. This widely diverse group has been a key contributor to Obama’s success. The beauty this demographic is that it exists in every corner of the United States. Therefore, Obama has been able to rely on a significant turn out from the group in each state. Furthermore, the “I swear I’m not racist” community encompasses all walks of life. From the greatest generation to generation X, many are supporting Obama in an effort to appear progressive, liberal, and, above all, not racist. Appearing to be not racist is important to the majority of groups in America, but there are two that are most affected by Obama’s campaign. It is no surprise that the youth turnout for Obama has been tremendous. The young have always been most affected by what their peers think about them. And in this day and age that requires them to not be a racist. Therefore, some are peer pressured to vote for Obama so as to appease the ever judging eyes of their contemporaries. But the youth vote is not the only group affected by peer pressure. The peer pressure exerted by the African American community on one another is immense. “Only self-hating blacks vote for Clinton,” proclaimed Warren Helms. “We gotta stick together as a community. That’s why any black who votes for

March 2008

Hilary is no longer welcome.” When a leading advisor on the Obama campaign was questioned about their efforts to capture this demographic, she responded: “Well you saw how effectively former President Clinton used it in his campaigns. And he wasn’t even black.” The argument works like this: a + b = c; a + c = b; therefore, a = c. Clinton (b) was incredibly popular amongst black voters in each of his presidential campaigns. This was largely due to his affability and his embracement of African American culture. Through his actions and his demeanor, Clinton proved he was not racist (c). Thus, by the transitive property, anyone who voted for Clinton (a) was not racist either. By capitalizing on this effect, Clinton propelled himself to two terms in the oval office and was able to avoid impeachment despite lying under oath (which usually warrants some sort of penalty for the average citizen). The power of race is truly immense. But as much as Clinton benefited from the “I swear I’m not racist” community, Obama has bested him. There is absolutely no way to escape voting for Obama if you’re concerned about appearing racist. A vote for Obama is a vote for racial equality. A vote for Hilary Clinton is a vote for white supremacy (suppressed white groups are more important than suppressed black groups), and a vote for John McCain is cliché (honestly, another WASP: White, Anglo-Saxon President). In today’s modern, progressive, racially sensitive, politically correct society, it is a stigma to appear racist (much more so than appearing misogynistic). Therefore, Obama has been able to capitalize on the “I swear I’m not racist” vote. And if the trend continues, he’ll be riding it all the way to the White House (the “I swear I’m not racist” community is currently lobbying for a name change).

3

Mr.Goodbar-Gate Could Fast Break into a Whopper of a Scandal, despite Snickers from some Smarties Washington D.C.— According to a recent report “A name like Mr. Goodbar seems to imply released by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, Mr. Goodbar is being forced to change its name on grounds of false advertising. The popular candy bar consisting of milk chocolate and peanuts, according to the report, can be detrimental to ones health. Some side effects may include weight gain and acne breakouts. The report was quick to cite the case of Chanel Benger, a young woman from West Virginia who ate a mere 24-pack of Mr. Goodbars a week and reported to have gained a significant amount of weight and terrible acne at the end of an eight month period. Last fall, Miss Benger tried to sue Mr. Goodbar for damages and to force them to change their name to prevent others from succumbing to her fate. However, the judge dismissed the case, citing the frivolity of the suit and claiming it to be a waste of the taxpayer’s dollars and time. But the federal government knew better, which is why the FDA decided to review the details of the case, coming to the conclusion that there was certain validity to Miss Benger’s claims.

The Muddler Staff

4

Pat Begley Dane Brannan Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Micah Nerio Frank Robinson Shawn White

that the candy bar would be good for you,” stated a FDA representative. “But with 17 grams of fat per serving, that obviously isn’t the case.” Thus, the FDA decided to force Mr. Goodbar to change its name. And they have even listed a few suggestions for Mr. Goodbar to use. ‘Mr. 260 Calorie Bar’, ‘Mr. Chocolate and Peanut Bar’, and ‘Mr. 0% of daily dose of Vitamin A and C based on a 2,000 Calorie diet’, to name a few. This decision by the FDA also opens the door for possible forced name changes in the future, which is why some candy bars are proactively changing their names. Snickers is expected to become ‘Peanuts, Caramel, Nougat, and Chocolate, Yum!”, and Hershey’s Bar is set to change its name to ‘Chocolate Bar’. And who knows where it will stop. The landscape of candy bar names will be greatly affected by this decision. No longer will the innocent consumer be tricked by false names suggesting laughter, good health, or Hershey. Accurate names will be their replacement.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler