The Muddler - February 08

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Volume One, Issue 2 February 2008

SMU: No Go Harvard SMU— In a direct and childish reaction to the article “No Go Greek,” published in the December issue of The Muddler, Southern Methodist University is now taking steps to distance itself from Harvard. At the end of its 2007 fall semester, Harvard University announced that it would be providing more financial aid to its middle class students, promising to update the archaic and desperately out of date need based quota lines. SMU administration, in a “no I’m not like Harvard, look” defense, has done the opposite, recently announcing a tuition increase of 19% over the last three years to be instituted at the start of the 2008 fall semester. Apparently, SMU is trying to distance itself from middleclass students preferring to set its prices at a standard only Marriot heiresses or kids with the last name Cox can afford—a path decidedly different than Harvard’s.

Yes, it’s true this mediocre magazine of sorts pleaded with SMU to break the embarrassing and tenuous ties it artificially created and promoted with Harvard. But as Michael Scott so aptly put it, “It takes a big man to admit he’s wrong, and [we’re] that big man.” SMU, we were wrong. Call the red of SMU crimson if you want, include veritas in as many places as possible, you may even refer to SMU as the Harvard of the South if you must (as long as you do it quietly), just don’t raise our tuition unnecessarily in protest. We hear your ridiculous plea, we acquiesce, now reach into our multi-billion dollar endowment and follow Harvard’s glowing example. They truly are the bastion of liberal thought, updating their quotas a mere 20 years after it was needed. And if you do the same, you will be seen as a Harvard too—we know it’s what you’ve always wanted.

McCain Vows to Outlaw Wakeboarding as Torture Method CLEVELAND, OHIO— In a speech to supporters on Tuesday, McCain announced that in addition to “waterboarding,” the controversial torture method that simulates drowning, he would also illegalize wakeboarding, kickboarding, and surfing as methods

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of torture if he were to be elected President this November. He would virtually outlaw all methods of torture involving water and boards of any kind—of this, he was extremely adamant.

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘[email protected]’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

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Advice

Dear Christian, I have been an avid reader for several minutes now and I have quite a dilemma for you. Recently I was walking to class and saw two highly attractive lesbians holding hands in front of me. I wanted to know, what would you recommend as my best chance to achieve the pinnacle of love making? -Horny Hand Holder Dear HHH, I believe you are alluding to the ménage a trois. You are not alone in your plight; many a man before you has wondered how to break the boyless love barrier. Before you attempt to make the beast with three backs, you must first keep in mind that when there are two women involved your standards can be lowered because two 5’s make a 10. Before you try anything with your “highly attractive” lesbians start out with some highly intoxicated and, most likely, some not so attractive lesbians that have turned to women because no man wanted them originally. Once you have succeeded with the ugos, move onward and upward. Best, Christian Cornwallis --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Christian, Valentine’s Day morning I woke up at my girlfriend’s apartment when a delivery guy rang the doorbell with flowers from her ex-boyfriend. The Ex had bought her two dozen white lilies, apparently her favorites (how was I supposed to know?) and a box of chocolates. After taking the package from the delivery guy, I quickly took off his card and brought them into her as a gift from yours truly. The

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next day, she was pissed at me after he called her asking how she liked the flowers. How do I defuse this bomb, and still make him look like a dick? - Conniving Cassonova Dear CC, You did nothing wrong. Even I, a man of unimaginable wealth, won’t pass on a chance to claim someone else’s thoughtful gifts as my own. You cared enough to lie, that says something. And secondly, who does she think she is dating you and still chitchatting with this other guy. You, sir, are a saint for putting up with her. Tonight, go back to her place with some groceries and ask for a hot meal as thanks for the lovely flowers you gave her. Sincerely, Christian Cornwallis --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Christian Cornwallis, Up until now, I have been very good about handling my own problems, but I’m in a bit of a jam here. There’s this story about my girlfriend that is absolutely hilarious (though quite embarrassing on her part) that I always relish telling my friends. However, she recently found this out and has commanded me to cease and desist the telling of said story. But I love the story. So here it is: should I keep telling the story against her will and hope she doesn’t find out, or should I just bite the bullet on this one and lock the story in the vault? -Stifled Storyteller Dear SS, Usually I would say never let anything get in the way of a good story, but since it’s your girlfriend that’s in the way, it raises a few problems. If you’re not really into her, it’s simple: dump the girl and keep the story. But if you are into her, I’m afraid the story will have to be used sparingly (no matter the consequences, a good story can never be fully forgotten). But if that situation ever changes, revert to the former. However, if you’re one of those rare guys (like me) who can always do better, the story is definitely the more valuable commodity. There are plenty of women out there my friend but only so many truly good, classic anecdotes. Cordialement, Christian Cornwallis

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Coach Jones Guarantees Opening Day Loss UNIVERSITY PARK— Since the day June Jones arrived on the Southern Methodist University campus, there’s been rampant speculation as to what direction he will take the football program and what new traditions he may be implementing; however, he made clear at a press conference that he will do his best to embrace SMU’s long-standing traditions. “Ever since the death penalty was instituted here at SMU,” Jones stated earlier this week, “there has been a solid tradition of loosing in this football program. I’m here today to let you guys know I’m

not here to change that . . . at least immediately.” When questioned as to how he plans on continuing this tradition, Jones responded, “We have all the right pieces in place already: a slow secondary, a small offensive line, inconsistency at quarterback, a general apathy towards winning of any kind . . . I could go on.” A few skeptical questions later, Jones took it a step further: “I guarantee an opening day loss against the UNT (University of North Texas). I am 100% confident in myself and my new team that we can accomplish it.” “Some of my critics here are quick to bring up my reputation as a winner, but hopefully this coming fall I can prove them wrong.”

McCain’s White Cholcolate Past: Sham about his past life are threatening DALLAS, TEXAS—According to an anonymous telephone pollster, John McCain has an illegitimate second family carefully hidden away somewhere in England. It turns out that John McCain was originally rescued from the Vietcong by a British special force unit of the SAS (Special Air Service). His rescuer was William Wonka, a rising military hero until he was dishonorably discharged for illegally smuggling a rare indigenous tribe of South Asians, code named Oompa Loompas, to his family’s chocolate factory in England. McCain was taken there as well. To McCain life in Mr Wonka’s factory was quite a step up from the horrors of the Hoa Loa Prison. And due to his small stature, the Oompa Loompas accepted him as one of their own. McCain took kindly to his new life, assimilating into the Oompa Loompa culture and marrying into their tribe. He and his wife even produced offspring. However, when McCain started loudly declaring that Mr.

February 2008

Wonka should allow more POW’s like him to be allowed to enter the factory to work, Wonka banished him from the factory. “His policy was too liberal,” exclaimed Mr. Wonka. “We have very strict quotas. We

can’t just let anyone into this factory without the risk of exposing our long-standing traditions to change.” But McCain could not be silenced. He returned to the states where he ran for political office, eventually reaching the United States Senate, and now has emerged as the GOP frontrunner for the presidential nomination. Unfortunately for McCain, his old life in Mr. Wonka’s factory is now resurfacing, and questions

his nomination. As it turns out, most Americans still frown upon the notion of a polygamous lifestyle; however, that is not what is hurting McCain at this juncture. It is his liberal stance on letting people (aka illegal immigrants) into Mr. Wonka’s factory that concerns the average American. Furthermore, research into his voting record reveals that McCain has continued to promote a liberal policy on letting people into certain places to work. McCain even supported President Bush’s immigration bill, including granting amnesty to all illegal immigrants currently in the United States. Since when has following Bush’s convictions benefited the United States in any way? And now grumblings of discontent have grown so loud that a new contender is emerging: William Wonka. Sure he might not be a U.S. citizen, but he does have enough money to selffinance his campaign, so who will really care about the former?

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Super Heroes Demanding Super Zeroes ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY— According to a statement released recently by The Intergalactic Group of Haughty Third-rate Superheroes, otherwise known as T.I.G.H.T.S., numerous obscure super-powered characters intend to step out of the shadows and fight for equal treatment. The organization will start by suing Warner Bros. Pictures for “the kind of elitist consideration that has Captain America rolling in his grave.” The notice comes on the heels of Hollywood’s lustful interest in reinventing Superman, Batman and Spider-Man in light of a new generation of movie-goers and unoriginal script writers. “I don’t see why only those heroes should receive all of the glory,” said Aquaman, a poster boy for T.I.G.H.T.S. who has been shopping around a movie deal of his own to no avail. “They may have the action figures, but it’s the third-rate superheroes, the underdogs, who truly reflect the spirit of our industry.” “It’s simply a matter of economics,” explained Lois Lane,

who left her journalism career years ago to become a scrupulous defense lawyer for Warner Bros. Pictures. “Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, these guys enjoyed immense popularity back in the day, and the demand is still there. If T.I.G.H.T.S. members have a problem, they should have filed two decades ago, but they were clearly too busy reminiscing about their fifteen minutes of fame to better their own careers.” Lane continued: “And it’s not like Hollywood has been unfair. X-Men, Hulk, Iron Man; more and more superheroes are receiving an opportunity to reinvent themselves. It seems these T.I.G.H.T.S. members are more like tight wads who want to piggyback off of the success of others.” Harvey Birdman, once a third-rate superhero himself who achieved notable success through his Adult Swim program Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, will act as the attorney for T.I.G.H.T.S. “I’ll take the case!” Birdman said after The Muddler explained to him very slowly, twice, and with

The Muddler Staff

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Pat Begley Dane Brannan Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Micah Nerio Frank Robinson Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Shawn White

pictures, how his groupies wanted more consideration from the media. Some members of T.I.G.H.T.S. are hoping for a smooth resolution. “I really just want it to be like the old Super Friends,” commented Hawk Man, who now works at a zoo in Montana while his third-rate superhero wife Hawk Girl stays at home with their seventeen children. “I kind of miss working with everyone, especially Super Girl. I haven’t seen her since our night of passion in . . . hey, how much of this are you writing down?” A Warner Bros. Pictures representative told The Muddler that the case is unlikely to succeed: “While we understand their position, it is unreasonable to expect Warner Bros. to grant contracts to every superhero in existence. We will, however, agree to fund group therapy sessions for members of T.I.G.H.T.S., to help them cope with lacking sense of identity in the new generation.” The Muddler will have continued updates on this story as it breaks out of the 1960s.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

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