The Muddler - November 08

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l a i c e S P ction Ele t i o n i ed

Volume Two Issue Two November 2008

Voting is for Losers, That’s why I won’t be voting

The Impudence of Aspirations

My friends, this November 4th is an important day for our country. College students everywhere have the opportunity to drink alcohol, surf the computer net, and partake in using drugs. The pundits in this election would have you believe that college students will come out to vote in huge numbers on November 4th. My question to this generation of young people: Are you really that lame? Back in my day we understood that voting was for sissies. Just ask W, he never did, and look at him now; he’s president of these United States. College students have years of boring jobs and economic depression to look forward to. But that’s all in the future, my friends. Right now is the best time of your life, so why would you waste an hour of it in a voting booth at some run down elementary school? November 4th is an important day for our nation’s young people: it’s your opportunity to prove that you are not the “lame generation.” I know that old folks are telling you this election is important. Quite frankly – it’s not. No presidential election has ever been won by a single vote, and I can assure you that this year will be no different. Voting is not “hip” and it will not make you look “sweet.” I hope that all of you will take a stand this election-day and sit out of the entire nerdy process of voting.

First off, I’d like to thank, ‘The Muddler’ for allowing me to run, this article, so close to the most important event, this planet, has ever seen before. I’d also, like to wish my adversary, John, the best of luck, in whatever, endeavors he chooses to pursue, after I ascend to, the White House. Now, I would like to, address John’s dubious campaign strategy of coercing the liberal media, into making me out as the Second coming of Christ. I would like to thank, all the media who have called me the savior, of politics. I know that I said, “we need to stay grounded.” But at this point, it’s been hard, for anyone with eyes, and ears to not see that I’m the second coming. I can prove it. When some people swear, they choose to say, “Jesus H. Christ.” Not my brand of curse word. I prefer “gosh darn it.” My fellow Americans, have you ever wondered, what the “H” stands for? Hussein. Jesus Hussein Christ. We share a middle name. I think, my fellow Americans, that, that fact makes me pretty Christ-like. My fellow Americans, I have proven John McCain’s point sufficiently. I truly am, the second coming of God, the messiah of, politics. So heed, John’s, advice, don’t vote, on November, the 4th, because, I, have this election, in the bag. John, thank you for assuring, my place, in, the, White, House.

By John McCain

The Muddler

By Barack Obama

Obama’s op-ed was transcribed over the phone. The commas indicate pauses

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail. com’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add him as your friend on Facebook.

Dear Christian, I was HOPING that you could tell me where I could find out where to vote this year. I just CHANGED my address and don’t know where to go for this information. I think this is the year for something new. Sincerely, Barrack Balloter Dear BB, (Fuck off) Best,

Christian Cornwallis --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hey Christian, I’ve been going back and forth on who to vote for in the election. Both sides make some great points. Obama has some super ideas to really help students and McCain is going to be so great with taxes. What should I do? From, Straddling Supporter Dear SS, What are you poor or just stupid? You’re not go-

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ing to be a student forever, and as soon as you make a few million dollars, you’re going to want to keep that. If taxes get any higher, I won’t be able to pay my entire staff of immigrants. Then who’s going to squeeze my fresh orange juice daily? Go vote for McCain, and stop all this useless thinking you’re doing. With love, Christian Cornwallis --------------------------------------------------------------------------Mr. Cornwallis, People have been going on and on about how much I’ve spent on my clothes lately, but a girl’s got to look nice, right? If Blair, of Gossip Girl fame, can go out shopping everyday, why shouldn’t the future leader of the free world be able to? Please help me talk some sense into these people. Snuggled closely, Vice President Sarah Palin Hello My Dear, You betcha! When you’re leading the Senate, you’re going to have to have a new outfit everyday. Don’t let the people get you down, what’s $150,000. Tell Bristol I had a wonderful time with her just a few short months ago. Your friend, Christian Cornwallis Help run the print media out of business. Sign up to receive the digital edition of ‘The Muddler’ 24 hours before the hard copy can be picked up outside of Hughes-Trigg. To sign up, send an e-mail to ‘themuddler. [email protected]’ or send a message to Christian Cornwallis on Facebook. Cheers.

The Muddler

Benson Begins, and Ends, Presidential Run HIGHLAND PARK- City Councilman, John Benson has recently gained attention for entering his name into the 2008 Presidential race. The Muddler decided to find out why.

MUDDLER: Councilman Benson, why should the American people vote for you? BENSON: Well, I’ve been a city councilman for the last six months now, and I’ve headed up numerous committees and initiatives that have improved the lives of those who elected me. If I can do it for the 30,000 people in the Park Cities, what’s 300,000,000? MUDDLER: What would you say your main advantages are over your opponents? BENSON: Well, I’ve spearheaded more initiatives and sat on more committees than Barack, and at 61 years old, I’m a spring chick compared to Johnny Mac, and I often hear I’m prettier than Palin. MUDDLER: What about Biden? BENSON: Who? MUDDLER: Barack Obama’s running mate. BENSON: I don’t know much about him, but I was starting quarterback for the Highland Park Scots back in ’64. MUDDLER: You mentioned you have spearheaded a number of initiatives. Can you elaborate on that? BENSON: As head of the School Zone Safety through Redundancy Committee, I was able to get 150+ flashing school zone signs placed in and around Highland Park. Sure, they’re not all in school zones, one’s in my front yard, and sure we’ve had some problems with people suffering seizures after being exposed to flashing lights for extended periods, but, hey, it’s something.

November 2008

MUDDLER: We’ve learned from an anonymous source that you were actually elected to your position by default when incumbent Kelli Miller bowed out of the race to become President of the PTA. Is that true? BENSON: Who told you that? Cindy? That bitch! MUDDLER: Councilman, Benson, it doesn’t seem like you have any real qualifications to be President, let alone a city councilman. BENSON: (sigh) Well, to be honest with you, you’re right. I’m not really “qualified” in the traditional sense. MUDDLER: So why are you running? BENSON: Frankly, I just wanted to bailout on my obligations. Take a vacation, you know? MUDDLER: Excuse me? BENSON: Umm, well, when I saw those two senators traveling all over the country, bailing out on their responsibilities and skipping work, I decided why not me? And to be honest with you, it’s been the best decision of my life. I’ve dropped two strokes off my golf game, and my blood pressure’s never been lower. I’ve even had time to read a few books. Candidly, I have no desire to win this thing, the Presidency or whatever, at all. I’m happy right where I am. And I’ll see you in four more years to do this whole dog and pony show all over again. I may even start my “campaign” a little bit earlier. MUDDLER: Umm, ok, there you have it. Thanks for your time, Councilman. BENSON: My pleasure. And I just want to add one more thing: when you’re at the polls this Tuesday, remember, Don’t Vote Benson for President ’08. I don’t even know what I’d do with that kind of power . . . maybe have someone killed.

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Third Party Confusion ATLANTA, GA-- Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr wants voters to know exactly who he is. “I am Bob Barr. Not Babar.” For months, Bob Barr has fought off confusion that he is, in fact, Babar, famed King of the Elephants. The mistake may stem from his name or the fact that he is kind of a fat guy. “I am a legitimate candidate for President of the United States,” Bob Barr said to snickers from reporters. “Not an Elephant King.” Bob Barr’s chances of winning were always slight. He is a third party candidate, and experts call these candidates “jokes.” His mustache was recently upgraded to “molestache” by a CNN.com poll. And he loves to smoke pot and shoot guns.

The Muddler Staff

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Pat Begley Dane Brannan Therik Jolie-Pitt Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Frank Robinson Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Shawn White

Rapper Diddy Says “ I Rocked too Hard” NEW YORK, NY-- In a surprise move, Sean Combs announced that he would be canceling his 2009 concert Tour due to being overly exhausted. According to sources close to Combs, his exhaustion stems from Rocking the Vote too hard. “Yeah, Puffy was just really into this election. He really thinks he can make a difference and mobilize the youth. He really wants them to vote for Obama, you know,” said Combs’ publicist. Diddy’s fans have expressed concern over this cancellation. “With campaigning starting earlier and earlier every election, Diddy may never have time to go on tour again,” said Jenny Uma, a self-proclaimed member of Diddy’s groupies. “I mean look at Palin. I think her 2012 campaign has already officially begun.” However, until his next tour begins, dedicated fans can still see Sean Combs on award-worthy shows “Making the Band” and “I Want to Work for Diddy.”

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler