The Muddler - April 08

http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.com [email protected]

Volume One, Issue 4 April 2008

New Disease Causes OMGs, WTFs, and LoLs

College age pregnancy is on the rise. In related news, fraternities across the country are filing a class action law suit against the Trojan Corporation claiming that 99.9% isn’t effective enough. According to an anonymous source, recent and unnecessary increases in tuition are part of an underhanded effort to drive out the entire staff of The Muddler, Hilltopics, and The Daily Campus in order to gain full control of the important student media outlets and curb the derisive columns about signing ARAMARK to a new, 7-year deal. SMUPD: Blondes in BMW’s remain no. 1 threat to pedestrian safety on the Boulevard. Dutch filmmaker Geert Wilders’ anti-Islamic film sparks worldwide controversy. But after a public screening of Gigli, Dr. Hassan al-Turabi (head of the National Islamic Front) was quoted saying “Maybe that Dutch movie wasn’t so bad after all.”

The Muddler

SERIES OF TUBES, ALASKA --“It’s just one click, do I really need protection? What could happen?” Millions of Internet surfers ask themselves this very question as they sign on to their favorite dating Web site to check their bulging virtual inboxes. One out of four men expected to be a carNew data from the rier of the dreaded disease. The Muddler would like to take this moment to remind Organization for you to always use a firewall. a Safer Internet, scientists refer to as “Grammar however, has identified a dangerDegeneration” and “Web Cam ous disease bent on crippling our Propulsion”. society and the ability to procre The luxury of being an ate. idiot on the Internet with few According to the study, real-life consequences is strongly people on these “virtual hookcorrelated to the rise of this disup joints” are susceptible to a ease. Fear not, though, OkCupid disease called Sadly Tenacious and American Singles users: comand Unbelievably Preposterous bating STUPID is simple. Upon Intelligence Deficiency, otherreceiving a message similar to, wise known as STUPID. As a viral “h3y u wnt 2 B freindz w/ benfiTs? entity, STUPID primarily attaches LOL”, just take one strong dose itself to desperate and/or horny of ALT F4. Call your therapist in men looking to “get some”. The the morning for added emotional virus then spreads through what reassurance.

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Good Christian Advice is written by syndicated columnist Christian Cornwallis who has been imparting his vast knowledge on those in need for many years for the general betterment of humankind. Christian is currently a practicing gentleman of leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler. [email protected]’. If you have any questions please send them with the heading Dear Christian or add Christian as your facebook friend.

Dear Christian, Last month I was indicted on insider trading charges. I have more than enough money to live like a king in South America, so I’m contemplating fleeing the country. I’m not too worried about anyone important seeing this because we all know that no one really reads your insignificant column. So which country do you think I should choose? -Damon Jones Dear Damon Jones, Oops. Let’s just hope that you’re right about how unimportant my column really is because current readers include the chief of police, the district attorney, and your mother (who after some research, I learned posted your bail) in lovely Mansfield, Massachusetts (Zipcode: 02048). Thankfully for you though, no one bothers with Good Christian Advice, right? Don’t drop the soap, Damon of 343 Kingsley Avenue. As for me, if I were in your shoes,

I’d be taking in the sights and sounds of beautiful Peru. Best of luck, Christian Cornwallis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Mr. Cornwallis, I came up with a great idea at work and I ran it past one of my coworkers before taking it to the boss. Next thing I know, he’s already gone and told our boss the idea and he got all the credit. Now he’s next in line for a promotion. That should be me. Any advice? - Swindled Sidekick Dear SS, Things like this happen every day in the work place. Why, it was just yesterday that my father told me about how he hustled his way to the top of a Fortune 500 corporation. There are two options that you have. First option: take it like a b*tch. Allow your coworker to steal your ideas until he’s your boss and can legitimately claim credit for your work. Or your second option: fight back. Does he have a password on his computer? If not, time for a little bestiality porno; maybe something that’s bound to infect the network with the equivalent of computer AIDS. Perhaps, you could print out bills for expensive hookers and leave them in plain sight in his inbox. Remember, it’s hard for him to get promoted if he doesn’t work there. If all else fails, just have sex with his wife. Sincerely, Christian Cornwallis

SMU Response to Task Force: New Building UNIVERSITY PARK - In reaction to the Substance Abuse Prevention Task Force and the recommendations made, Senior Director of Campus Development, Robert Templeton, has outlined the school's plan to address these highly complex issues: “We're gonna build a building. Not just any building, an incredibly magnificent building. There will be marble floors, leather chairs, flat screens everywhere, a Starbucks. It's going to be the most beautiful building we've ever built,” Templeton said while sitting in his Dallas Hall office. He explained the school has budgeted $175 million towards the effort. When asked what the

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use of the new building might be, Templeton responded, “This elegant, state of the art building will be...um...well we haven't exactly figured that out yet, but uh... I think we may add some of that new touchscreen technology though, maybe even a pool.” He stated the extravagant new building represents a collection of the task force recommendations and is a proactive measure to address substance abuse and its impact within the community. When questioned how this seemingly unpurposed building will address the deep-rooted and complicated matters outlined by the task force, he stated simply, “Did I mention the flat screens?”

The Muddler

To Ask a Predator: Our Talk with ‘Dean Kelly’ For those who do not remember, Dean Kelly was the mastermind behind a photo scam on the SMU campus. He was known to wait outside of the Dedman Center and Moody Coliseum telling girls that he was an MTV producer and wanted to take photographs of them. Once he brought them back to his house, he tried to get the girls to pose nude. And The Muddler has obtained an exclusive interview.

Muddler – Wow! 25-30? I mean . . . umm . . . . Really. And did you have relations with these girls? Kelly – Well, you know the Dean isn’t one to kiss and tell (wink). Muddler – Did you just wink at me? Kelly – Oh yeah…

Muddler - First off, I would like to thank you for your time, Mr. Kelly. We recognize that you are a very busy man.

Muddler – Umm, ok. Let’s get back to the questions. Do you still have all of the pictures left? If so, what are you going to do with them?

Kelly – That is correct. I do like to get busy. Muddler – So how did you get the idea SMUPD’s high quality to start this photo scam? What was sketch of Dean Kelly. your inspiration? Kelly – First of all, I don’t consider it a scam. If hoes want to get down with the Dean, then why would I say no? Muddler – Umm . . . . But didn’t you falsely tell these girls that you were an MTV producer to get them to come back to your house? Don’t you find that coercive? Kelly – Well now, that isn’t totally untrue. I have tried out for every Real World since 1996, so I obviously do have some affiliation with the network. Also, I like naked chicks. Muddler – Indeed. Well, throughout your tenure posing as a producer, how many “naked chicks” did you actually get to see? Kelly – I’d say about 25-30. I was really living the dream for a while there.

April 2008

Kelly – Of course I’ve got them. I’m currently in the planning stages of creating a calendar with ‘em. I’ve already got 136 pre-orders.

Muddler – Do you not feel bad about exploiting these girls? Don’t you think it is unfair to do this to them? Kelly – Personally, I think it is unfair for girls this attractive not to be ogled by guys like you and me. Once you see Ms. February, I think you’ll agree. (Kelly holds up photo). Muddler – Hey, that’s my girlfriend. Kelly – Really?! Sorry, bro. Maybe you should stick with someone in your own league next time and this won’t happen. The Deanster only goes for the best. Muddler – Umm . . . uhh . . . Kelly – All right. I gotta go. I’ve gotta be at OU by sundown.

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NCIM Attempts to End Mother Nature’s Tyrannical Texas Weather AUSTIN, TEXAS - The National the jet stream, along with calcium Council of Industrial Meteorolosupplements. The plan will begists (NCIM) has announced a gin sometime between now and plan to “end Big Mama’s mood never. swings” in Local femilight of last nist groups month’s criticize the instances plan on the when snow, grounds that rain and “this is so typsunshine ical of weathhappened all ermen, to pin in the same their lousy week. reporting on Mea natural feteorologists male process Could Mother Nature just be mad at claim that they probably this obviously bragging weatherthe erratic man? More details as we get them. don’t even weather patunderstand.” terns can be attributed to “Atmo- The NCIM also wants spheric PMS” - just like regular Texans to help by performing PMS, but more harmful to weektribal dances to keep our Motherend picnics. According to the in-law-in-the-sky entertained. The NCIM, curing Atmospheric PMS Muddler simply advises you keep will involve pumping gaseous an umbrella and snow shoes with versions of selective serotonin you at all times. reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, into

The Muddler Staff

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Pat Begley Dane Brannan Daniel Ruiz Ducharme Ryan Leech Greg Mandel Micah Nerio Frank Robinson Shawn White

christians

craigslist

To help those SMU students unable to find love on the Boulevard The Muddler and Christian Cornwallis are bringing you a new way to find the perfect one for you.

YGentleman with reasonable

looks, adequate manners, and large member seeks love-less marriage with trust-fund baby or independent wealthy woman. Looks are not important. Fatties welcome. 214-555-2137.

YHey guys, BBLW for CWJ,

DFK. No GFE or TPHM. But can FS, HKB and FBSM. 214-555-5948.

YCHEERIO! Butler, manser-

vant plus sexual gratifier wanted. If you did not get the message from the greeting, only the Brits can properly perform the duties required (yes, we’re profiling). Naturally, since we are requesting a butler, we can offer LIVING QUARTERS. Call 214-555-0688. We are unlikely to answer the phone...it’s just below us.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler