11-05-08 Yowl

The Davidsonian

The Real Perspectives Section

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

7

Lesser phoenician’s ball celebrates five years of mediocrity

See page 7

Student gets lice at health center See page 2

Violent urge to smash union piano, player

See page 10

Clever student dresses as himself for halloween

See page 4

Union saves money by buying flat screen tv’s without on switches

See page 8

Community bike respected

See page 7

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt Contributors: Anjan Mukherjee Patrick de Visscher Lawrence Kluttz Will Coughlin Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

Give Alex Hoyt a hug.

November 5, 2008

Phi Delts Pummel Pumpkins at Pulmonary Philanthropy Party Last Saturday at the “F” Apartments, the Phi Delta Fraternity introduced a new fundraising event to their philanthropic repertoire. Based off of Connor’s breast cancer fundraiser where hundreds of bras are hung throughout the Union, the Phi Delts decided to decorate the grass around “F” hoping that their randomly strewn “pulmonary pumpkins” would raise awareness for lung cancer. “Basically, the pumpkin represents a lung. The broken pumpkin represents what cancer does to your lungs. Us hurling the pumpkins hella hard and real far represents lung cancer attacking the human body,” remarked sophomore Phi Delta brother Sam Haskins. When asked what physical plant cleaning up the pumpkins represented, Phi Delta Theta declined to comment. As Michael Clemente ’12 left “F” Saturday, he did so with a friendly philanthropic reminder aimed at the right side of his head. “Before the pumpkin leveled me I was only thinking about get-

Student Writes Senior Thesis on Free Speech Board

In what he now considers his “worst mistake since the last crossdressing incident,” Todd ‘Fort’ Sumpter ’09 ended up writing his senior thesis on the Free Speech Board this past weekend. The thesis – titled, “Why Did Stella Lose Her Groove In The First Place?” – is the latest example of unnecessarily irrelevant and lengthy responses on the Free Speech Board. When informed of his error, a rather sleepy and confused Sumpter responded, “How the hell did you get into my apartment?” Friend and fellow teabag enthusiast Flario Flilva ’09 commented that during Sumpter’s days-long writing session, many wondered how it could take someone so long to answer the Free Speech Board’s proposed question, “Is This A Hat?” Although a simple “yes” or “no” would have sufficed, Sumpter’s thesis, is by far the most intelligent writing on the board to date. Its cohesion and solid arguments are especially heightened by the adjacent comments, which simply read, “Poop” and “Your Mom.”

ting more beer, but as my feet left the ground and the pumpkin shattered my right cheekbone, I fully

The Davidsonian

President Wins Supporters Nationwide Rejoice

WASHINGTON - After one of the most heated elections in American history, a distinguished Senator won the Presidency today. In a victory speech given to his supporters at Boston’s Faneuil Hall, he told supporters that he would bring change to Main Street with a strong opinion on the war in Iraq and a tax plan designed around those making over $250,000 a year.

stance of the $700 billion dollar plumbing bailout plan recently passed by Congress would make or break his election. HVAC professionals, who have also seen their industry collapse, voted en masse for the Senator after he spent the past few days highlighting his strong opinion on the plumbing bailout. In an interview with CNN’s Campbell Brown, plumbing lobbyist Joe Wurzelbacher

Phillip Brodsky took a 15-foot running start out of his third floor apartment in order to maximize the impact of the pulmonary publicity. came to realize that lung cancer was a very serious issue in today’s society,” commented Clemente. Their next event, “Theta’s Trash T.V.’s for Typhoid” will take place between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m. next Saturday.

Union Café’s Red Baskets Cause Increase in Picknicking Last week the union café eliminated the use of paper trays, replacing A new red basket.them with more attractive plastic red baskets. The move came as a surprise to plastic analysts, many of whom feel that the rise of crude plastic prices has caused dwindling plastic consumption in recent months. On the other hand, community action groups across campus have expressed their jubilation with the decision. Theo Pennant ’10, President of F.U.T.I.L.E. said Tuesday “the café’s clear encouragement of picnicking is a huge relief to those who constantly worry about the erosion of our communal eating environment.” Skeptics argue that the baskets are just another phase in the café’s collaborative scheme with the laundry service. “It’s obvious that Lula Bell and the Café chose flimsy utensils and paperless plastic baskets to cause more stains on our pants; More stains means more laundry business,” said a sophomore who wished to remain anonymous. Whatever the motives, one fact remains clear: flimsy forks and bright red baskets are here to stay.

The president (center) is congratulated by a few of his closest supporters. Change has certainly been a hallmark of the election season, and the Senator’s opponent vowed to continue fighting any changes the new President will bring to Washington. “Change is what this country needs,” he argued in his concession speech, “but his change is the wrong change. We need real change, change that’s able to change over time as the country changes.” The closing weeks of the election saw increased interest in each candidate’s economic stimulus package for the beleaguered plumbing industry. Pundits have argued for weeks that the Senator’s

described the election results as “significant.” The focus now turns to the new President’s potential cabinet officials. Throughout the election, he has discussed the need for reconciliation between the parties, but most media outlets predict partisan appointments. Thus far, the new President has been understandably vague about potential appointees. In a speech last Wednesday, he said he would “look to those traditional beating hearts of American politics – Alaska and Delaware – to begin the process of building [his] cabinet.”

Opinion: Pot Luck Dinners Have and Will Always Be Socialist During this election cycle, I have heard many people describe certain tax policies as socialist. They cry, “Amurica Owen Zinaman is not socialist! has not attended We’re winner a potluck meal take all baby!” since Christmas, I’ll tell you 1983. what’s socialist though: pot luck dinners. I cannot think of a more socialist dining ritual than this redistributive nature of food sharing. In this socialist dining ritual, individuals labor over a dish, then bring that dish to a gathering, and finally have to watch others take what is rightfully theirs. This is “spreading the wealth” at its worst. What’s mine is mine and I don’t

like sharing. I spend $50 and toil for 4 hours making my specialty, marinated grain-fed filet just so and those who are lower on the totem pole deserve to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Which leads me to my next point: the lack of a proper social hierarchy within the potluck group. Those who are predetermined to bring salad get to enjoy a far superior main course AND a much tastier dessert. It’s simply unAmerican for those who buy readytossed salad to get the same benefits as those who work long and hard for a main course. I mean, would we impose high taxes on the top earners simply to provide greater tax breaks for the low-income workers, thereby spreading around the nation’s wealth? Someone needs to put an end to this culinary wealth spreading.