12-12-08 Yowl

The Davidsonian

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 7

Closing Time

“abstinence in the city” cancelled after one episode

See page 4

Shit is effed

Eco-Friendly Frat Saves Energy by Not Doing Shit for Christmas Decorations Patterson Court--The brothers of Sigma Chi Theta fraternity have set an example for the entire Davidson Community. By choosing not to decorate their house for Christmas, the house saved 18,000 Joules, an estimated $260, and a shit load of their time.

literary monsters See page 7

mountaineers don’t reach base camp

See page 7 funnier than the yowl

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt On fewer pick-up basketball email lists, but still loved: MPG Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

Mythbusters Disprove The Existence of God

Adam, “but my motorcycle is still in the shop. We had other ideas— beer goggles, cabin fever, whether Oddjob’s hat could really decapitate a statue. But these were too complex. We needed something quick and to the point. That’s where this God character came in.”

“Using a Bic lighter, three cups of baking soda and a flywheel, Adam and Jamie set the record straight.”

“By not decorating, the house saved 18,000 Joules, an estimated $260, and a shit load of their time.” “As an environmentally aware house, we would rather wait until alternative fuel sources have been consolidated before we spurn valuable energy on something so trivial as our own enjoyment of Chistmas,” said President Arnold Newsome ’09. Other A house that cares. brothers seconded these words, but added that they also don’t give a rat’s ass how this shithole looks because they don’t believe in Christmas or in improving the community. “It’s the girt that keeps on giving,” said one drunk brother.

God turned out to be one big hoax. Hollywood, Calif.—God is dead. In the latest installment of their popular Discovery Channel series, renowned “Mythbusters” Adam Savage and Jamie Hyeman put to rest once and for all the rumored existence of “God,” a mysterious character alluded to in such films as The Ten Commandments and The Passion of the Christ. Also known as “Jehovah” and “Yaweh,” He is referred to in numerous gospels, scriptures, psalms, tracts and theological dissertations, although no one has yet confirmed his existence. “The original idea for the episode was to see if sticking a pole in the spokes of a motor cycle could cause a head-over-heals flip,” said

Using a Bic Lighter, three cups of baking soda and a flywheel, Adam and Jamie whipped up an experiment that would finally set the record straight. “We said, ‘Hey, God, if you’re real, turn this into a cool episode. Make some shit blow up. Turn the baking soda to wine. Soak the moon in blood. Show thyself.’ We waited for hours. Nothing. Not a thing. This whole God question was an elaborate hoax,” said Adam. In their next episode, Jamie and Adam test whether or not it was physically possible for the Anaheim Angels to win the 1994 American League pennant, as propounded by the movie Angels in the Outfield. “Ever since we disproved the existence of God, I’ve really doubted whether that was possible,” said Adam.

The Davidsonian

Can We Put a Black Field Goal Kicker in the NFL? Yes We Can

In the past half-century, we have made incredible strides against racism. We have put a man of mixed race in the white house. We have had a woman of mixed race serve as Secretary of State. We have seen all races admitted to the most prestigious universities, law firms and medical practices. But only when a black man, for no good reason, whimsically drop-kicks a field goal in the dying minutes of a meaningless NFL game, only then will racial equality be achieved.

“Only when a black man drop-kicks a field goal in the dying minutes of an NFL game, only then will racial equality be achieved.”

Place kicking, like dentistry and accounting, has always been a uniquely white province. Kicking is the true bastion of whiteness. Blacks have come to dominate sports demanding speed, agility, and power, but they have yet to infiltrate that singular position of sickly whiners and rejected soccer players, the position that let Mortin Anderson kick until he went on Social Security, that let Janikowski into this country. It’s a long attempt for America. Can we make it? Yes. Yes we can.

Did Obama Plagiarize His Speeches? Impurities Found in Elon’s Bottled Water Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says that he did

his presidency to being expelled from the continental United States.

See Barbie DesPoon

Your Davidson Honor Section

December 10, 2008

A shame-faced President Elect wishes he had cited his speechwriter, David Axlerod. Washington, D.C.—According to an ongoing investigation by the Senate Honor Council Sub-committee, President Elect Barack Obama may have lifted entire speeches from a mysterious source known as David Axlerod. Obama provided neither MLA parenthetical citations nor Chicago style footnotes in his papers. He also failed to include a works cited page. Potential punishments range from failing the first term of

“Obama provided neither MLA citations nor Chicago style footnotes. He also failed to include a works cited page.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was livid about Obama’s plagiarism. “This is totally deplorable behavior,” he said. “We’ve had some Code of Responsibility violations in the past—a Watergate here, a Tom Delay there—but never an issue of an elected official using someone else’s words. Bush may have been inarticulate, but at least he wasn’t a cheater.”

Washington, D.C.—A recent statement by the FDA warned that impurities had been found in the bottled water of Elon University.

The water bottling plant known as Elon University has let down its filters and admitted impurities. FDA Commissioner Mark Montgomery declared, “This proves that Elon does not have sufficient filters in place. They’ve admitted impurities into their water that a better bottler, such as Davidson, never would have let in. “However, this is not to say that Elon bottled water is as impure as, say, Mars Hill or UNC Asheville

bottled water, in which we have found potentially fatal traces of lead.”

“Elon admitted some impurities that a better bottler such as Davidson never would have let in.”

For some, the cheaper price tag of Elon bottled water justified its impurities. Charlotte father of three Gary Clarke commented, “Unless someone buys four years of Davidson bottled water for my family, I’ll probably just give my kids Elon bottled water. It may not taste good, but it won’t kill them.” Davidson bottled water is an elite southern liberal arts brand drank by several national caliber basketball players, 1690 nerds and twenty-three Rhodes Scholars. It has no known impurities.