11-12-08 Yowl

The Davidsonian

The Real Perspectives Section

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 13

mathlete strains frontal lobe; out for

2-3 seminars See page 7

McCain is a good man, and Obama is also a great man.

Toga Party Lands Classics Dept. On Social Probation sophomore girl shows her naked ambition to be pika sweetheart See page 2

CHAMBERS LAWN - Classics Pofessor Michael K. Toumazou has been charged with holding an unregistered Toga Party, serving fermented honey and water to untenured faculty and violating Chambers noise decibal levels with the sonorous strains of his lyre.

even more lead-

November 12, 2008

Bro Perseveres Through Dance Getting Over Grad School Workshop Ensemble Without the Use of THE UNION - Too depressingly average for Harvard Law? LackPerformance-Enhancing Drugs ing the motivation for Kennan-

In a phenomenal feat of endurance, iron man Andrew Bivens ’10 retained consciousness throughout not one, but two entire Dance Ensemble performances. Immediately after the second show he was rushed to Lake Norman Hospital, where doctors pushed intravenous fluids in an attempt to avoid permanent kidney damage.

really put me ahead of the competition was the extra tape sessions of Olympic ribbon dancing.” On Dec. 7 The National Organization for Women (NOW) will be celebrating Bivens’s achievements by presenting him with a certificate of achievement for “unparalleled courage and endurance in the face of social norms and the understand-

less nubby pencils at the union cafe: are they the answer?

See page 4

Released from his holding cell this morning, Toumazou, a legend in his native Cyprus, told reporters, “We were only have a standard Wednesday night bacchinal worship of Dionysis. There weren’t even any sacrifices.” Said campus police officer Haynes: “This isn’t Parnassus. We have rules here. You can’t just have an unregistered symposium and expect to get away with it. Plato would have banished you from the Republic.”

new volleyball fundraiser: kill for the cure

See page 8

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

The following day nurses tested his blood and urine for such performance enhancing drugs as smelling salts, Red Bull, amphetamines and EPO. Shockingly, all tests came back negative. When asked in a post-game press conference how he trained for this event, Bivens said, “Obviously I practiced all the traditional methods like watching Broadway musicals and “Fosse,” but I think what

So this is do in 15 minuets and Im throwing up a hale-marie.

Your Davidson Honor Section

Contributors: Brett Chikowski Peter Bruton (we forgot him the other week)

Andrew Bivens ’10 is carted away for blood and urine tests after a grueling, two-hour performance Friday and Saturday Night.

Hey Paperclp from Mircosft Word, Go deep! When it coms to the profreading game I gues I throw halemarys. At Davison, I say F-7! I still half to priint this form my computre I jsut don’t have time for that isht. Yes, Im an expereienced junior here at Davidson Collage. But Ive

Oh isht, I hav no idae why I didnt plan thisout ahed fo time. probalby ben critiscized fity times for my inatention to dtail due to all teh resaerch wedo, and my vrasity sprot, ect. ect. ect… Everytime my profesor gose to tht “Speling and Grammer Check” button he toldme ha halve-expects

The Davidsonian

to find my name under “Tools” too. He wrot on my paper, “Your like Sarah Palen intervewing with Catie Kuric. Physicallly your there, but yud have a better shot at getting this right if you frozen salmon-smacked yourslef across the face and word vometed until your dry-heaving all remaneing verbul opstions. Your lost in this dicktion traffic and its always rush hour. The sguiggely lines below everyother word are yeild signs but your breakes are broken.” Blha, Blha, Blha. So when it looks like Ive gone in myslef and colorfuly confettied the hell out of the underside of everyword in my esay, no, I dindt do it on porpuse for affect. Your the one with the prblem and its becasue I was tryign to meet your ridiculos daedline, but unfortunatley couldtn because my othr profesor sucks too. So go tell all your cow-orkers, you win, I loose.

able desire to pass the hell out during extremely contrived and poorly choreographed dance routines.” Unfortunately there are no credible witnesses that can attest to Andrew’s accomplishment because all the other males that went to the show don’t remember anything past the first piece, which is widely accepted as the traditional time to nod off.

Matthew McConaughey: How He Fought the Urge To Rip Off His Shirt In Every Televised Interview

Flagler? Too many misdemeanors for Duke Divinity? Not everyone can get into a top tier graduate program, and with your mediocre GPA, oddly formatted resume, lukewarm recommendation letters and limp handshake, you too are likely earmarked for rejection. Don’t worry. Career Services has just the workshop for you. Tuesday evening they will host Davidson’s first workshop on how to cope with your inevitable rejection from the graduate program of your choice, and how to live with the probability that you will get your MBA from a third-rate Indiana commuter school. So you got a seven on your GRE. No biggie. With an array of tissues, medicine balls and Chicken Soup for the Mediocre Soul therapy books, the Career Services office is ready to prepare you for your immanent lack of a career. Some of you may still be focused on the Getting Into Grad School Workshop. That’s okay. It’s only natural that the first stage of your mediocre career should be denial. Congrats, you picked Davidson and now you’re paying for it.

‘Grow-a-SAAC’ Campaign Drops the Ball. . . Again

To no one’s suprise, the SAAC race was yet again poorly attended.

After two arrests and three stints in rehab, “Failure to Launch” star Matthew McConaughey is finally coming to terms with his violent desire to exhibit his pectorals at every opportunity. “It hasn’t been easy stayin’ clothed, but we’re gunna get through this thang,” said the star.

The Student Athlete Advisory Committee has expressed disappointment in its inability to expand its campus representation through its “Grow-a-SAAC” campaign. “I don’t think students fully realize the potency of a fully loaded SAAC,” Jeremy Wilkins said. “A mature SAAC would help Davidson obliterate Furman, UNCG and other SoCon schools.” The SAAC has been shriveling since last winter’s frigid lack of participation. However, by expanding representation to two members per varsity team, the SAAC hopes to revitalize participation through its new “Grow-a-Pair” initiative.