11-19-08 Yowl

The Davidsonian

The Real Perspectives Section

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 7

cherokee nation invades chambers lawn

See page 7 La cebolla ha venido.

Speed 3: Terrorists Hijack Keanu Reeves’s Career judaism: the answer to your pre-mature balding?

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HOLLYWOOD - Keanu Reeves has disarmed a bus. He has disarmed a cruise ship. Now he must disarm himself. Two weeks ago, terrorists kidnapped the LA actor and strapped a bomb in his pants, wired to explode if he makes fewer than three movies a year. Sicne then Reeves has been tormented by maniacal ex-actor Dennis Hopper, who calls nightly with the same perverse pop-quiz: “There’s a bomb in your pants, Keanu. What do you do?”

program dropped due to title ix

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bond leases prius citing concern with gas mileage

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editor-in-chief launches war on

In Speed III: Reeves Control, the actor will blow up if he makes fewer than three movies per year.

Now, in a deadly game of catand-mouse between two former co-stars, the future of Hollywood is on the line. Will Keanu put the pedal to the metal and churn out six more Matrix movies? Will he take a detour through indie cinema? Or will he slam things into reverse and backtrack to the days of Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey? The stunts, including Keanu leaping from B-movie to B-movie while trying to disarm the bomb in his pants, are out of this world. This out-of-control star vehicle is the runaway hit of the holiday season. Get ready for rush hour.

November 19, 2008

Obama to Bail Out Failing Detroit Football Industry

Due to financial cutbacks, Detroit Lions wide receiver Roy Williams was one of eleven players forced to play Sunday’s game without a helmet. For many, the now 0-10 Detroit in their 74-year history. “Can we Lions are the glue that holds this watch them drop every pass and nation’s prized football industry constantly miss tackles? Yes we together. If Detroit fails, the entire can. Can we observe them throwNFL will be affected by what could ing interceptions and having field be the worst athletic spillover crisis goal attempts fall 30-yards short? since Shaq came out of his spandex Yes we can. And although, to be in the 1997 conference semifinals. perfectly honest, this is not the sort of change we can really believe in, “The entire NFL would you have to feel bad for anyone who be affected by the worst is that awful at something,” Obama commented at a rally Tuesday. athletic spillover crisis Many worry that with the collapse of Detroit, the entire football since Shaq came out of industry would fold, leaving thouhis spandex in the 1997 sands without employment. The Detroit Lions also received conference semifinals.” a $10 giftcard to Sports Authority President-elect Obama sees from former Detroit Mayor Kwame opportunity in Detroit’s incredible Kilpatrick, who commented, “Yeah, ability to appear as though they I screwed up, but holy &*%$ do haven’t seen or touched a football they suck at their job.”

Davidson Students “Do It in the Dark!” Awkward Sexual Innuendo Makes Energy Crisis Come Alive

typographical error

John Krewson

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editor of the onion

Monday, nov. 24th Your Davidson Honor Section

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

Kirsten Cummings ’09 is a theatre major who has done it in the dark three times this week. Phenomenal sustainability, Kirsten. Hal Fellows ’08 referred to it In one of the most awkward and desperate attempts to connect as “when you get naked with your with the student body, campus friends and then sort all the cans leaders have chosen a completely into the green bin.” The next project, which is forandom, yet sexually unambiguous reference to promote environ- cused on removing the plastic tops from bottles before placing them mental sustainability on campus. While turning off lights is a in recycling bins, will be heavily clear way to save energy, confu- advertised in the spring. “De-cap it before you tap it” sion over its relation to a sexual innuendo has caused varying in- is expected to have a similar outterpretations of the “Do It In The come, energy policy advisors predict. Dark” campaign.

7:30 P.M. 900 Room Be There.

The Davidsonian

“There’s obviously a link between blacking out and not being able to think...Anyone wanna hit the Outpost?” Frank Crosby, ’09 --Regular, SAE bar

English Professor Learning to Write After publishing 23 articles in JSTOR and other scholarly journals, Professor of English David McDermott decided it was time he learned to write a coherent sentence. “I’ve been meaning to learn since grad school,” he said. “Just never really got around to it.”

“I’d been meaning to learn since grad school, and just never got around to it.”

The author of such articles as “Liminality and the Hegelian Dialectic in the Post-Colonial Lens” and “Deconstructing Structuralist Semiotics,” McDermott is auditing two 101 W courses. “Diagramming sentences is really hard,” said the professor who earned a doctorate in Psuedo-Transgendered Studies from Columbia University. “We’re being taught how to avoid our articles being written in the passive voice,” he said. “Another fundamental lesson has been to not loquaciously write longwinded sentences saturated with so many adjectives that the meaning is obscured, dangling or ambiguous modifiers being bad as well.” McDermott says the Writing Center, supervised by senior English majors, has been an “invaluable resource.” “They’ve taught me to avoid clichés and just write from the heart. With my first novel I really do think I’m finding myself.”