9-03-08 Yowl

6

The Davidsonian

episode

1: the final frontier

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Nike Indonesia internship not what student had in mind

See page 8

Do you guesstimate or estimate?

See page 12

It’s just barbeque sauce. I want to make out...

After “That Thing in Beijing,” Phelps and Fellow Olympians Return to Real Jobs at Home Depot

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Tuition free with proof of textbook purchase See page 6

Outpost prices negate students’ ability to graduate debt-free See page 7

Davidsonian has issues See page 2

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt

We back.

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

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Michael Phelps is genetically engineered to upholster your love seat. For the last half-century the Home Depot Center has set the standard for Olympic achievement. Jesse Owens, Carl Lewis and that one fencer who accidentally killed his semifinal opponent were all at one time employeed by America’s foremost suburban renovation emporium. But during the Olympics, manpower is often lacking. “Considering 75 to 80 percent of our employees participated in the Beijing Olympics, we experienced a bit of a customer service drought this past summer,” commented

“At 6 feet 4 inches, Michael Phelps is 195 pounds of pure home despotism.” Home Depot Southeastern Regional Manager Timothy Laukins. “But Phelps has once again made it rain in our building, not literally of course as we use a combination of sheeted aluminum and precast concrete on all our roofs, but order has been restored to the tubs and whirlpools sections.” And that’s not all he’s done for the company that grossed $324 million in sales last quarter. Two weeks ago, when bitter co-

The Davidsonian

September 3, 2008

worker Mark Spitz turned on the display toilets, Phelps was on hand to reroute the entire plumbing system. Davey Stelkins from chandeliers and lamps commented on Phelps’ abilities. “I call him ‘Moses Phelps,’ the way he controlled that water for all of us. Truly an American hero.” In May 2005 he set a Home Depot Headquarters and American Record for fitting an entire dining room with crown molding, eclipsing the old record by one-hundredth of a second. Most memorably, Phelps and three recent hires took down a Lowe’s team of Soviet mercenaries in the 100-meter Driveway Individual Medley (cement, concrete, and masonry). An analyst at the Home Depot Productivity Center analyzed Phelps body type and reported that “God himself could not have created a better physique for working in Vinyl and Resilient Flooring.” The aquatically inclined 23year-old icon has exemplified the spirit of Home Depot to such an extent that the company has added a new verb to its corporate lexicon. To “Phelp” is to be outrageously and incomprehensibly handy. A new banner now hangs outside the Atlanta Headquarters: “You can do it, we can Phelp.”

Scientists Apologize for Research that Led to Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Ian Wilmut and Keith Campbell, the two Scottish scientists who cloned Dolly the sheep from an adult somatic cell in 1996, have issued a formal apology for their research. Writing from the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh, Wilmut said, “Little did we know then that by transferring the nucleus of a mammary cell to an unfertilized oocyte and infusing that hybrid with an electric shock, we would create the most devastating cinematic travesty of our time.” In early 2002 George Lucas, an American movie director and producer, got wind of the cloning secret, and it was only a matter of time before the dangerous knowledge fell into the hands of Darth Maul and Count Dooku. The two employed it for their own wicked ends in the intergalactic civil war that destroyed the planet of Naboo and left thousands of audiences traumatized by the stupidity they had just witnessed. Not since Oppenheimer surveyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki have scientists so fully comprehended the devastating effects of their

research. One study estimates that more than 25 million people have been tormented by “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones, though Wilmut considers that a conservative number.

Despite all the accords and treaties that have been signed to prevent another Episode II, Campbell thinks a cloning movie may happen again. “The secret is out there. The North Koreans are developing scripts, and we know the Iranians have something in the works. In fact, in some Los Angeles studio there’s allegedly thirty pages of dialogue written for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito that could obliterate American cinema forever.”

Opinions: Parties, that’s what’s up.

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“If a party doesn’t have a 3:1 girl-to-guy ratio, then it isn’t a party. Or the girls are already in my room.”

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“If a party doesn’t have a 3:1 guy-to-girl ratio, then it isn’t a party. Or the girls are already in that guy’s room.”

Student Sore After Davidson

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A recent X-ray of Brendan Parrot’s back revealed sciatica, scoliosis, and a severe lumbar damage.

At the Kalamazoo Center for Chronic Skeletal Damage Inflicted by Unnecessary Undergraduate Academic Stress (KCCSDIUUA), Brendan Parrots was reported to be in sore-as-hell condition. “To be honest, his spine looked like a slinky whose owner hadn’t read the manual on proper care,” said spinal technician David Felgendreher. As he was being fed Gerber Prunes through an IV, he said, “After three years of JSTOR, Webtree and the Humanities Program, I’m in dire need of some Icy Hot and a year off.”