09-17-08 Yowl

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The Davidsonian

Party not busted

See page 10

Student enters long-distance relationship with girl at Depot See page 7

Sixth Night Down

Chinese fetus wins gold in gymnastics, parents proud.

September 17, 2008

September 9, 2008 – The Tour de France, a highly regarded international cycling competition active from 1999-2005, is attempting a comeback at cycling phenomenon Lance Armstrong.

encountered significant struggles in international recognition between 2005 and 2008, decided to give Lance Armstrong what will surely be its last effort at athletic event redemption.

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Profit analysis: farmer’s market > stock market See page 2 After careful thought and consideration, Lance accepted Le Tour’s comeback attempt from his Plano, Texas home Thursday evening.

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Resume padded See page 2

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt Comic Artist: Ana Kozhevnikova Divine Inspiration: Franklin Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

The Davidsonian

Aging Tour de France to Take One F*%# Scott Fitzgerald! Last Shot at Lance Armstrong

Tip for F Residents: limit yourself to 39 friends

The Mega-Cooper: 5 miles to the gallon, 2 girls to the weekend, 1 shock to the ozone

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

In a statement released early Tuesday morning on the Tour’s website, Publicity Chair, Pierre Goffard stated, “Despite its comparatively old age when viewed alongside other cycling tours, the Tour de France is excited for the opportunity to thrive once again.” Concerning the reasons for attempting a comeback to Mr. Armstrong, sources close to the Tour have indicated “a bigger cause” and “a chance to prove itself once again.” The Tour, which

After discussing the matter with its family members, the Giro d’Italia (Tour of Italy) and the Vuelta de Espana (Tour of Spain), The Tour announced its intention to return to Lance Armstrong with the goal of raising awareness about the struggling state of cycling around the world. Monsieur Goffard indicated his disappointment with the rapid decrease in cycling’s global presence due to the event’s nonparticipation with Lance Armstrong

Help! I Lost My Phone and Any Social Awareness About What Constitutes a Legitimate Facebook Group

Imagine my delight w h e n perusing my Microsoft Entourage Inbox, I received word of Guy Long is a activity on senior from my Facebook Roanoke, VA. account. For seven long weeks I had endured a Facebook dry spell. Not one invitation to a Crop Lunch, not one request for my friendship, not a single bidding for my company at a mixer. How jarring then to find not an invitation to a Halo party, but a solicitation even less appealing than the notorious Zombie application.

Riley Fillmore, I was notified, lost his phone at the Dickinson Delts Psi Toga Party, and decided to not only broadcoast this triviality, but also to demand all his freinds’ phones numbers, most of which he never had in the first place. Facebook groups should be reserved for passions, events, and inside jokes. For example, my groups include: “Andrew Lewis Middle School Tenth Year Reunion is Right around the Corner!” “Waterworld: Kevin Costner’s Finest Non-Baseball Movie?” and, “Oktoberfest ‘07: Beer, Brats, and Brad’s Barmaid.” If you do have to ask for phone numbers, at least do it discreetly, like by Googling their names or hiring a private eye.

for the past 3 years. “It felt like someone had been letting the air out of our ‘eventproducing tires.’ After being forced to ride on the rims and partly destroy our previously solid foundation, we said enough was enough.” Even though the Tour never tested positive for the use of illegal marketing ploys to attract a wider audience, the attention these scandals caused plagued its’ success in recent years. New marketing management indicated the possibility of a fundraiser involving the sale of trendy yellow wristbands for the cause. “To be honest,” Monsieur Goffard said, “it doesn’t even matter if people are wearing the bands to support us or because they’re the most fashionable thing out there. As long as money is coming in, we aren’t asking any questions.” Whether or not this is successful, all members of the Publicity Committee agree that the Tour’s 2009 attempt at Lance Armstrong will surely need to be a strong one.

Of all the seminal American a u t h o r s I’ve rubbed elbows with, by far the biggest jackass was Scott Edmund York is a Fitzgerald. he mediocre critic for Sure the the Baltimore Sun has reputation of the starry-eyed chronicler of the Jazz Age. But he was also a girlfriend-stealer and a checkbouncer, the kind of guy who would sometimes borrow your nail clippers without asking. He plagiarized the whole Great Gatsby from the draft of my unpublished novella, The Good Grigsby. He also pissed in my sink on more than one occasion. The emblem of a Lost Generation? Here’s a blurb for you, Scotty. I lost my soul before you lost your baby fat. So quote me if you so desire, but I have one thing to say: “F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

McCain on Change