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Addicts Volume 2 Issue 5

The all new

View from the Steeple News and views from a congregation near YOU!

Russian Police Uncover Mongolian Mushroom Plot Editorial Comment As I was strolling through the Market Square the other day, a passing pigeon dumped a pile of fresh guano on the shoulder of my best hacking jacket. (‘Hack’ means ‘reporter’; I’m a reporter; get it? Hacking jacket. Joke. Oh, never mind.) When I called in to see Mr Karagov, the Serbian war criminal who pretends to be a dry cleaner. He looked sadly at the offending dump, shook his head, and said “You’ll have a job getting rid of shit like that”. Which started me thinking about some of our local residents. Now, you all know that I am the most tolerant of men. Well, until I am confronted with something that offends one of my redneck, right-wing, neoconservative beliefs. So I thought I would throw out a challenge to our readers. On page 14, you will find an entry form for the ‘Shit I’d like to get rid of’ competition. Just fill in the name of the person or persons you would most like to leave Charlatan for good, explain why and suggest the most appropriate method of removal. We will then publish a short-list of the most popular nominees and organise a public parade where we can all throw rotten eggs, tomatoes and stuff at them, just like in the old days. The winner will be presented with my engraved statue of Mussolini.!

© T Wheater S Lawder 2009

Russian police have today issued a statement about their findings in the Mongolian Mushroom Scam which has rocked Chirping Loudly’s Society of Fungus Fanciers to the core. Evidently, the whole thing centres on the rare and horribly expensive Mongolian Piffle, a distant relative of the French Truffle but three times more p u ng en t a n d c on ta i n ing aphrodisiacal properties so strong that eating them is purported to induce permanent erections—in both men and women! Russian Police uncovered a plot to flood the UK Market with a variety of Piffle so high in monounsaturated Spanish fly and hydrogenated oyster sauce, that it would have induced a heightened libido in anyone who had eaten it with a subsequent

increase in rates of pregnancy in the female population which alone would have caused unimagined fear and misery among the country’s teachers! It is reassuring to know the Russians have discovered the identity of the Mister Big behind the scam and it may come as no surprise to many of our readers to know that he is none other than Charlatan-cum-Quickly’s very own Polish Count, Vladimir Dimitri Slobalot who, it transpires is a big noise in the Russian Raffia—a bit like the Mafia but different. Charlatan Police surrounded the Count’s digs on Sheath Street, Charlatan this morning but his landlady, Maud Rackman, said he left without paying his rent yesterday evening, apparently taking only his favourite Delia Smythe designer boxer shorts, a

copy of ‘Fungus for Fanatics’ and some jars of marmalade. After searching the premises police took away a quantity of the illegal Piffle. Note: Anyone interested in acquiring some piffle should contact the Rev Gerry Gropem of All Sinners’ Church Charlatan were it can be bought for 350$ Zim. in non-returnable 50gm jars

Mongolian Piffle Digger at work somewhere in Russia

Sadly Batsman Runs Off for a Duck The annual Sadly Drooping versus a World XI cricket match had to be called off when the Sadly team’s number 4 batsman Nigel Floral-Border abandoned his end and rushed off the field in the direction of the village pond. It appears that Nigel’s ’friend’ Julian disappeared recently in the middle of the night.. When Nigel came down for

breakfast he found a perfectly hatched duck’s egg on the table, wrapped in a pink ribbon emblazoned with the words “Bye bye Nige, you’re a bit of a sad yoke”. Having scored three runs off 36 balls, Nigel’s attention was drawn to a mallard on the pond and, he fled, grasping his middle stump.

The diversionary duck

Jack Froth Loses His Marbles in Court The Dangling Donkey may lose it’s licence it was revealed to day after the pub’s landlord, Jack Froth, lost his marbles in court during a licence-renewal hearing It transpired that the judge, His Honour Henry Whitmore Scrutiny, had stood on the marbles and taken a tumble, ending up

in hospital nursing the contents of his Y-fronts. Needless to say he was not too pleased and angrily told our reporter that he was now going to ban the playing of marbles in the courtroom during licence applications. Meanwhile Mr Froth had still not managed to find all his marbles and feared another acci-

dent — resulting in the possible loss of the pub’s licence. Clerk to the Court, Miss Janet Raunchy was still searching for the missing marbles late into the night, refusing even to rest, partake of any light refreshment or submit to the sexual advances of the security guard—until she had found the missing glass spheres.

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Champion Sydney Chuckles Weighs Anchor

Quiz Column This month’s quiz is perhaps more suited to those who had the misfortune to have a somewhat classical education as this one’s all about Greek Mythology. Even so if you DIDN’T have a classical education it’s a multichoice so no matter how stupid you are you’re bound to get 25% right—so have a go. What did Oedipus’ mother say to him when they eventually ‘got together’ again. A) Haven’t we met somewhere before? B) I don’t know what you’re father’s going say? C) I hope you’ve not been seeing that tart from Olympus again. D) Yes! Yes! Yes! What did Pandora keep in her box? A) back issues of View from the Steeple B) a pair of Zeus boxer shorts C) no-one knows ‘cos she’d lost the key D) a tin of Ambrosia What did Apollo have against elephants? A) They were always barging into his bedroom when he was trying to get some sleep B) They never used the litter tray but messed all over the house C) They didn’t barbeque very easily D) They were difficult to mount! How did the Cyclops manage to tie his shoelaces? A) He didn’t bother, just wandered around with them undone B) He wore wellies so he didn’t need laces C) He usually went everywhere on his bike so he wouldn’t trip up over them. D) He got his mum to do it.

Tough one eh? Never mind there’ll be an easier one next month.

World anchor-throwing champ and incredibly gifted chucker of all things heavy and cumbersome Sydney Chuckles of Widdie-cum-Fare died at his home today from what his Doctor is calling ‘an over indulgence’. As to what Mr Chuckles had over indulged in, though, remains a mystery. Neighbours have said, however, that since the recent opening of the Tristan da Cuhna restaurant ‘The Blow Hole’, in Charlatan, Mr Chuckles had developed a penchant for eating one of the restaurant’s delicacies, pickled narwhal testicles. He claimed that they seemed to ease the discomfort he felt as a sufferer of bladder-wrack bulge, a disease he had contracted a number of years ago. His wife, Ruby, (65) told our reporter

that he just couldn’t stop eating them and in fact died with a pair of narwhal testicles in his hand. According to our research, the Inuit Indians only eat them when there’s a Z in the month which seems to

suggest some risk involved in eating them when the Z is missing. Mr Chuckles, who was 69, leaves a wife, ten children and 27 ship’s anchors, one from a trireme that sank in Morecombe Bay.

Accolade for Trollop Woman The recently hirsute and once lovely Millicent Stoggs was more surprised than anyone when she was voted the World’s Most Unusual Woman this week. Unbeknown to her, her name had been put forward by her husband, Stig, as a birthday surprise and it so happened that her birthday, she’s just 19, was on the very day she won her prize— posing for a full frontal for Playboy’s centre-fold.

Millie Stoggs of Lower Trollop voted The World’s Most Unusual Woman today

She was unable to be present at the award ceremony as she is expecting delivery of her first Solar powered hands-free vibrator. Her claim to being unusual is based on the fact that she is the only woman in the world who leaves the seat up after she’s been to the toilet!

There, There Handbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic people .Dear Hermione I seem to be rather forgetful these days. Ummmmmm. Oh dear. I’ll come back to you when I …….. Sorry. Sorry. Signed: ???

the bed. It might be worth checking to see if you are married. There might be a bit of cash in it for you if you got divorced. Let me know how you get on and we can have a few sherries together.

Dear Aladdin Are you one of that nice new Taliban family that moved into number 86 last month? I must say you have brought some colour to the village, if you’ll excuse my little joke! You are so Dear Hermione Dear Hermione lucky with your new neighbours, My husband has asked me for a My mum has started smoking at the Cohens on one side and Mr divorce. I hadn’t noticed that we the age of 87. I keep telling her Halfbrain, the local secretary of were married. Have I missed that it will be the death of her but the BNP, on the other. As for something? she can’t hear me ‘cos I always your mother, I suggest that you, Signed: Mrs or Miss Splurge, forget to change her batteries. very lovingly, shoot her. Drooping. Her fag smoke would make the flat smell like a bar except that Dear Hermione Dear Mrs or Miss you can’t smoke in pubs now and I find that your advice is quite Well, from my experience, you the flat already smells of shite, ridiculous. Will you please dehaven’t missed a great deal. ‘cos of the dog, who has a diges- sist in offering it? They are all over you like a rash tive complaint. Signed: Clever Bugger until you get married. Then it’s Aladdin Bin Wheelie, aged 8 and “Gosh, I’ve had a long day” and a bit Dear Clever Bugger they roll over, start to snore and No! slide their bum onto your half of

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Five jars of ‘Brigadier’s Marmalade’ will be awarded to the writer of the best letter each month

Pisces This is Your Horror-scope for the year By French Horrorologist Uranus Pluto Quemien You can always recognise a Piscean by the way they walk, they sort of weave like they were trying to swim. Have a good look at people in the High Street next time you’re out an about. Quite remarkable actually. Anyway, that’s got bugger-all to do with your coming year, which I foresee as a huge problem linked to water—and if the Moon’s in your 6th house with Jupiter conjuncting Mars that can only spell either urinary tract problems or trouble with your tractor. Take your pick. If it’s the tractor then you’ll be OK, at least until later in the year. If you haven’t got a tractor then ten- to-one it’s the old water-works in which case— tough titty. As for problems later in the year, I can see a tall dark figure who, or which will cause you plenty of grief around October--assuming you’ve recovered OK from the urinary problem - and with Venus trining with Jupiter and Saturn, that means trees! Bloody big trees! If you’ve got any near your house I recommend you cut the buggers down NOW, otherwise those Autumn storms could leave you either homeless and/or crushed to death.. Next month Aries

Letters to the Editor This month’s prize letter is from Mr Parker of the BNP Sir My mum reckons you get more parsnips for your money at Lidls than you do anywhere else except Aldi, Netto, Morrisons and Tesco I just thought your readers would like to know, what with times being hard Thrifty. Blotchingly Sir My neighbour’s cat keep’s defecating in my herbaceous borders and killing off my prize chrysanthemums. And I’m sure I’m not alone. So before I risk being, locked up, I’d like to know if it’s a crime to set traps and kill the bloody pests? An angry dog lover.

Sir I have been growing marijuana in my greenhouse for years as my wife finds rubbing the leaves on her cheeks, the posterior kind, relieves the itching caused by the genital warts which she says she picked up from the toilet seats at the local F.I. We have tried all sorts of other leaves like dock leaves and dandelion leaves and even rhubarb leaves but nothing works like marijuana. So if anybody wants any just email me. Hans van der Bogen. Amsterdam (Email address supplied ) Sir I love Frosty Bleakerman of Sadly Drooping. Will you tell her please? {Name and address withheld}

Postcard Sales Down Chirping Market Trader The current downturn in the economy has seriously affected the market traders of Chirping Loudly. Pornographic postcard seller, Ali Gotti says that people are just not buying ‘mucky postcards’ at the moment, but are concentrating their purchasing power on pencils, trips to the zoo and food.’

He reckons the situation could get worse and is giving some serious thought to diversifying into hand-made origami models of the Eiffel Tower, Nelson’s Column and the Taj Mahal believing this could be as successful as the single coloured Rubik's Cube and the inkless Biro.

Forthcoming Social Events

Sir I was pleased to read in last month’s Steeple that the Sadly Drooping Centre for Delinquents has been a success. I see evidence of it’s deterrence everywhere in Sadly Drooping. All the erstwhile yobos and hooligans can be seen every weekend voluntarily doing good things around the village such as picking up litter dropped by careless old people, helping to replace the glass in bus shelters broken by angry pensioners, planting new trees to replace those ripped up by demonstrating senior citizens. Maybe we should have another centre for this type of new old age vandal or perhaps introduce enforced euthanasia. Barry Nugent Parker

Orange Scare Tierra del Fuego oranges cause hairy warts to grow on the nose and in order for you to recognise them and avoid the problem we are publishing a photo of nice fresh one.

Delia’s elia Column

Following the success of to last Annual Morris Dancers Sitting The Dreaded Wedgie I am often asked how best month’s Delia’s Advice article, we Event— Sunday 16th August Chirping Event—Saturday 7th August have asked Delia if she would like Sadly Drooping Community Hall Loudly WI (women only) a regular spot in the Steeple to Mrs Rita Ripplenicks demonThe Sadly Drooping Morris Danc- strates how to avoid developing chat about stuff that may help ers perform their popular Sitting those uncomfortable wedgies in you with the problems of daily life. Down routine in which they sit As a Charlatan lass born and your panties. (Clean panties down quietly for as long as they supplied—up to size 30). bred, many of us know her and can without jingling a single the problems she has faced and Nail Biting in Children bloody bell or flapping any of dealt with, successfully or not, their silly ribbons. (Dogs will not Ward 10 Charlatan General and we thereby all hope to benefit 2-4pm be admitted owing to last year’s Sat 15th 2from the wisdom she has acserious accident with the plastic How to stop kids biting their quired thru life. nails. Bring your own axe. roses). A great family day out .

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Restaurant Review Advertisement

New Tattoo Parlour Opens today in Lower Trollop

Licensed tattoo artist Bradley Funk as an introductory offer will give you a delightful

FREE Ban-the-Bomb tattoo (See above) anywhere you want and he guarantees that it will be a totally painless experience with absolutely no risk of blood poisoning whatsoever Call in today (above the butcher’s on Leek Street Lower Trollop ) Most needles used are new or very clean indeed.

Chef, Charlie ‘Carrots’ Cookworthy of Sadly Drooping’s only 2 star Restaurant takes a nono-holdsholds-barred look at what’s cooking in and around our area. This month saw me sampling the dubious delights of deep fried penguin flippers in a volcano ash sauce, followed by grilled walrus penis and sea cucumber at the ‘Blow Hole’, the new Tristan de Cuhna restaurant in Charlatan. Had it not been for the lovely waitress, Tristan born beauty Beatty Amplitude dressed in traditional costume of fishnet tights and a transparent plastic mac who administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to all diners partaking of the walrus penis, I would never have gone back there again.

The Laughing Caddie in Sadly Drooping was my next port of call and comes highly recommended, especially for golfing types who will enjoy the chance to play a round of crazy golf in between courses on the cleverly designed golf course laid out between the tables. The menu isn’t great however with such things as Pringle pasties and French fries, or buttered niblick on a bed of reconstituted lettuce, or the special Tee-in-the-Hole with a putter sauce. But then you can always go back to the Blow Hole, have the penis and see Beatty for a bit of mouth-to-mouth.

Charlatan Women’s Club Book Swinging Members

Hang Wong On Opens Marmalade Restaurant

Following the run-away success of the male stripper act at Charlatan’s Women’s Club, Club President Sheena Mae Boobies has responded to the frustrated demands of Charlatan’s women folk to have more sexy shows by booking the internationally renowned and well-endowed male stripping act the ‘Swinging Members’ for the winter season. Season Tickets 1000$ Zim.

Ms Hang Wong On, recently returned form Tierra del Fuego where she ran a retreat for retired sailors, has just opened a . new and exciting restaurant called: ‘Don’t Take the Pith’ on Peel Street, Charlatan. Due to open this Monday, it is to specialise in a variety of delicious marmalade dishes such as marmalade au gratin, marmalade curry and marmalade quiche.

My final treat this month was a meal at the newly opened themed restaurant in Chirping Loudly ‘The Golden Prophylactic’ a new venture by Mates Ltd, the condom producers who are diversifying in the hopes of alleviating the strain on their finances caused by the recent economic downturn. There was nothing special about the food, the usual ‘chips with everything’ scenario and the décor left a lot to be desired too, as the colourful condoms they have hanging from the ceiling kept falling into the soup. Still, it might have been worse– at least the condoms were unused.

Bible Readings for Women at All Sinners’ The Rev Gerry Gropem sees it has his role to nurture the religious and spiritual needs of Charlatan’s Women folk and has subsequently organised bible reading classes to take place immediately after the Swinging Members show at Charlatan’s Women’s Club. He believes it’ll help him personally address their heightened sexual energies and thereby assist in releasing their pent up frustrations– and maybe his too.

Compost Corner with Ted Rake Hi there fellow gardeners. I’d like . start this regular column of to gardening advice and tips by telling you a bit a bout myself so as you know I’m not just some young Titchmarchian upstart seeking fame and fortune—for one thing the editor of the Steeple refused to even pay the costs of writing this guff so all this is voluntary. Anyway, my name’s Edward Rake I’m 45 years old and I live with my wife, Flossy in a large house on the outskirts of Charlatan. The garden’s about the size of a big field where we try and grow stuff.

I also have my mother-in-law liv- gull, a short-sighted mole we keep ing with me, but as she won’t be around for much longer—if I have anything to do with it—I’ll not bother telling you her name. We don’t have any kids, Floss never wanted them preferring to keep pigs instead—said it was less messy than having kids around, something I quite agreed with, anyway, I can’t stand kids, they make a mess of the garden (more so than my other pet hate: cats!). Apart from six pigs, we keep a few other animals as well and have a couple of aardvarks, a dead walrus, an albino herring -

in a dustbin full of soil and an old orang-utan I picked up at a car boot sale recently. We call it Grabber as he’s always trying to grab the mother-in-law and have his way with her. (No taste these orangs.) I have a Degree in Hairdressing I picked up at another car boot sale and The Higher Diploma in Growing Things from one of those postal Universities in the States. So you can see I’m not academically qualified, most of my experience comes from actually doing what comes naturally—and gardening as well of course.

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Charlatan’s Farquharson Gallery Hosts OneOne-Man Show

The Religious Order of the Magnificent Appendage Will be holding their monthly Epiphany Meeting at Widdie-cum-Fare’s Memorial Hall this Tuesday From midnight until the priest is either fully satiated or just plain knackered. Both the unction and the whip round this month will be performed by Miss Sadie Strict (using handcuffs kindly provided by Chief Inspector Holden Grudge) Any young ladies desirous of experiencing what some have said is the rarest of delights should contact the verger of All Sinners’ Church Charlatan

Tarquin Farquharson Jnr, owner of the art gallery on Turpin Road, Charlatan is promising a wondrous occasion when he will be exhibiting the works of Sadly Drooping artist Julian van der Humpenslutz, who, as many of our readers will know, settled in Drooping when his family were excommunicated from the Catholic Church and evicted from their home in the Vatican for the heinous crime of consorting with protestants, lesbians and Flight Lieutenant ‘Biggles’ ButtocksBrown as he was then known. Mr Humpenslutz, whose paintings hang in just about every brothel, sleazy joint and public toilet in Bradford, has promised us a treat with paintings never before seen. The theme, according to Mr Farquharson, will be

‘Revelling in Revealing’ and will be of an explicit sexual nature. (as you might have guessed from the artist’s previous works). His French model, Miss Matilde ‘I’ve-gotthe-brush-if-you’vegot-the-paint-balls’ Dozy, a relative of the current President, will be the person appearing in many of the pic- Julian van der Humpenslutz’s painttures and we are fortu- ing of his model Matilde Dozy on nate enough to have view at the upcoming exhibition at been given a preview of the Farquharson Gallery Charlatan the show and have managed to secure for the delight of our readers one of The gallery will be open the most alluring of the paint- from Monday next week ings to be displayed. It is enti- when this, and all other tled simply ‘Matilde washing her paintings may be purbum with a wet flannel in the chased for highly unreaafternoon sun in her apartment sonable prices. in the 12th arrondissement Water will be on tap for all Paris.’ those thirsty buyers.

Steeple Special Offer If any of our less discerning readers would like to avail themselves of a lovely photocopy of the picture of “Matilde Washing Her Bum etc etc” then send off 10$ Zim to day and receive it by return of post in a plain brown envelop. Editor.

A Vicar’s Voice

Reverend Gerry Gropem’s Monthly Discourse

The Imam of the new He didn’t laugh at his own mosque in Sadly Drooping, joke but I thought it prudent. Mohsen-bin-Mad, invited me So at the appointed hour, over to see how they do off I went. And I can tell you things there. Well, I was a readers it was certainly an little circumspect about it so eye opener, and I must say checked with the Bish. a bit of nostril stretcher too, “No problems, Gerry” he and not one I shall repeat in said “good idea to cement a hurry. The place hung intra-denominational rela- heavy with a strange, I have tions. Just make sure you to say acrid pong. And holddon’t have any holes in your ing my nose I asked Mohsen socks. Don’t want these what it was. Moslems thinking we are Well, he nearly fell on the too holey now do we?”

floor laughing and simply pointed at the congregation who were praying—with their bums in the air at the time. It was then I realised what the smell was. Thank goodness for the sanctified sterility of Christianity. By the way readers I can now help you with your problems via email [email protected]