View From The Steeple 2

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Volume 2 Issue 2

VIEW FROM THE STEEPLE News from a congregation near YOU!

Tierra del Fuego PM visits Charlatan This month’s editorial wisdom as usual comes to you totally unabridged from our gallant and sometimes galling leader Dicky Prostate You can always rely on ‘View from the Steeple’ to keep you in touch with international affairs, even when our information is dubious and the content could land us in court, had we not registered the company off-shore and bought a couple of bull mastiffs who sit on our front doormat. As a journalist of 25 years standing, I have always tried to identify and invent stories that the public has absolutely no need of hearing. So far this has resulted in my getting the story wrong and being fired from five national tabloids, after they had forked out a couple of billion $ Zim in fines and damages, two prison terms and a thorough working over by some Millwall fans. Hence my sudden arrival in Charlatan. But I battle on determined that ‘View form the Steeple’ will become a shining light in the fearless investigation of the trivial, salacious and downright untrue that has made British journalism so widely admired today. Ed

Seńor Grimy Grimaldo, is Bunty Grossthighs the Prime Minister of Tierra del world famous ladies Sumo Fuego today arrived at wrestler, hopes to find time Heathrow on a state visit to to have an operation while meet HRH Queen Tracey at over in the UK to stem the Cluckingham Palace and flow of his haemorrhoids. then on for tea and cakes at Evidently, flowing haemorher country retreat at Char- rhoids are notorious among latan-cum- Quickly. the gauchos of the South Sources close to Mr Gri- American pampas where, maldo say that he is not indeed, Señor Grimaldo first happy about the recent an- contracted the problem. nexation of his country, nor indeed the new name of Bognor Imperialis, and is expected to remonstrate vehemently with both the Queen and His Proudness the British Prime Minister, Richard Tater. It is also believed there will be heated discussions regarding the sinking of the ‘Good Ship Venus’ and what is being called the ‘illegal salvage’ of a con- The Marmalade which is causing all the problems tainer of Seville oranges— a euphemism for ‘downright bloody piracy’. A one-time rider for the Bar Q Seńor Grimaldo is thought Ranch in lower Patagonia, he to be dragging his heels on became an expert bolas this issue, as thanks to the thrower and gained notoriety Marmalade produced from for exposing his bolas in bars the illegal haul, Tierra de and discos of downtown Rio. Fuego’s GNP has reached Although arrested on several dizzying heights, so much occasions for displaying his so that most of the resi- bolas in public, he was never dents now drive a Rolls charged, claiming in his deRoyce and the island has fence that his bolas were exbecome a safe haven for hibition quality and needed pirates of any flag. to be seen by everyone. In addition to the normal After being asked to leave round of official functions, Argentina, he found himself Señor Grimaldo, whose wife in Tierra del Fuego six years

© T Wheater & S Lawder 2009

ago, where he set about making a name for himself in politics. He would often demonstrate his bolas technique in the parliament building, ‘lassoing’ opposition party members with his bolas with skilful aplomb. It was perhaps this skill more than any other which earned him not only the nick-name ‘‘John” but also the Premiership. As bolas are not allowed in the presences of Her Wonderousness Queen Trace, it is expected that Seńor Grimaldo will be frisked before being allowed into her presence although according to our information it could well happen that it will be the Queen herself who does the frisking, as our informant tells us that from his own personal experience she enjoys a “bloody good frisking now and again.” Speaking from his bench in Hyde Park this afternoon, Seńor Gimaldo admitted that he was not happy to be in the UK where, he said, the quality of the toilet paper was not conducive to cleaning up after a haemorrodic flow. But he did manage to demonstrate his skill with the bolas for our reporter who is now recovering in The Royal Hospital for Bolas Injuries in Sadly Drooping. .

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LOST

Last Saturday Night outside the Randy Club in Sadly Drooping the owner of this red moustache (see above) was involved in a fracas outside the well-known drinking club and sustained a number of injuries for which he was treated in Charlatan General. It was only after his discharge had been treated that he noticed he was missing his rather fine and red moustache and has asked the Steeple to do what it can to retrieve it. There will be a REWARD OF 200$ Zim for it’s safe recovery and return to the owner Contact the Steeple should you happen to see it in the company of any of those hairy caterpillar things or maybe purporting to be a squirrel’s tail.

Found

A Frenchman was found wandering the streets of Chirping Loudly at the weekend clutching these two chickens who revealed to police that they had been kidnapped from a farm near Calais and brought to England against their will. The accompanying Frenchman denies all knowledge of the crime and has asked for asylum. If anyone knows of an asylum willing to accept this garlic eating prune would they please inform the Steeple?

Botox Injection Blamed for Rigor Mortis Syndrome The injection of a cocktail of drugs is said to have been the cause of the rare and debilitating illness known as Rigor Mortis Syndrome, which has left Widdie-cum-Fare antiques dealer, Gertrude Molotov, not only with a stiff upper lip, two frozen shoulders, a pair of proud, sticky-out, non-droop breasts, taut unpinchable buttocks and unbending body, but a solid desire to sue Charlatan Doctor Say Arhe. Through gritted teeth she told our reporter that she had visited the well-known medic at his surgery for her usual botox injection. Mrs Molotov claims the Doc

then asked her to slip off her bra whereupon he gently kneaded and fondled her breasts, to check, he said, that previous injections had done the job and then lifted her skirts, and jabbed her with what she thinks was a blunt instrument of some sort. She had left the surgery feeling quite euphoric, it being only later at home with her husband, Boris, that the feeling of stiffness came over her, making it difficult for her to get dressed afterwards without Boris’ help. The stiffness has not abated and she remains as rigid as a bear in winter or a hibernating gerbil in Acacia Ave.

Up Your Dingo, Mate!

Pharmacology expert, Deirdre Lancing-Boyle, says it is not uncommon for French men to take botox pills as an erection aid, but this is the first time she has heard of what could be considered a similar effect in women. Mrs Molotov was unavailable for comment today as she was busy standing c om pl et el y still outside her shop.

Fined Frump

More bees in the bonnet Rant of the Month this month is provided once again by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttock-Brown who seems to have problems with Austra-aye-lians’ Mate. This month’s tricky question Do you like Australians? Well, I don’t. I can’t STAND them. And I’ll tell you why. It’s nothing to do with cricket, although I confess to treating myself to a second glass of elderflower ale when we won the Ashes. No, the real reason why I can’t bear the Aussies their insufferable habit of coming over here in their thousands dressed like boy scouts –nobody but nobody wears shorts in England between September and June—drinking us under the table, seducing our women and then scooting

off back to wombat-land with a smile on their face. Another thing. Isn’t it annoying how bloody young and fit they all look? Suntanned arms, firm thighs blonde hair, pert bottomsMmmm—and the girls look even fitter. As I said, really annoying. Mmmm. Actually, although I hate to say it, but their wine is not at all bad. Busty, my PA and I shared a cheeky little Chardonnay last Tuesday and I cannot be held responsible, no matter what she tells you. But despite all that, I do hate Aussies, although the more I think about it , I can’t quite remember why - but I’m sure I’ll come up with something later.

Natalie Frump (28) Secretary of the Charlatan Women’s Association for the Creation of Kitchens in Yellow, was in court today charged with the unauthorised painting of the canteen at the Town Hall, Chirping Loudly. It was alleged that she and other members of her Association broke into the building and applied six coats of Dulux sunshine yellow to the walls of said canteen during a summer weekend when the building was closed. The crime was discovered when a wily policeman, noticing yellow footprints leading from the Town Hall, followed them and found a coterie of yellow stained and spotted women taking tea at Ms Frump’s home in Chirping. On being found guilty, she was ordered to repaint the canteen in a nice pale blue and fined 400$ Zim.

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The Quiz Column This month tests your knowledge of a popular child’s story: Goldilocks and the Three Bears 1) What sort of bears were the three bears? 2) What was Goldilocks wearing when she sneaked into the 3 bears’ cottage? 3) What was Goldilocks doing in the forest all by herself anyway? 4) What time was she expected home? 5) What happened when the lazy tart woke up and found the three bears staring at her? 6) Name the repair man who fixed baby bear’s broken chair. 7) What the hell were the police doing all this time? 8) What crime was Goldilocks eventually charged with? 9) Did the jury of 11 polar bears and a penguin find her guilty or not guilty? 10) Who was the judge at her trial? So much you know about Goldilocks, uh. Answers, if you know any of them on a postcard please and sent to us at the Steeple where we can all have a good laugh at your efforts.

Charlatan Women’s Club Sign Male Stripper Faced with falling membership, Charlatan Women’s club President, Sheena Mae Boobies, conscious of the success of the recent Rev Gerry Gropem’s show, has decided to follow the Polish Club lead with its pole dancers and employ the services of a male stripper. Together with club secretary, Mabel Gimmemore, they agreed that this could be the way forward and subsequently advertised in both Charlatan and Widdie-cumFare Post office windows for a ‘tasteful and professional male stripping act’ . Surprisingly, they were inundated with applicants and

have since been spending most evenings at the club, and, no doubt to the annoyance of their respective husbands, Chas and Dave, weekends too, auditioning hundreds of prospective strippers. Asked how the auditions were going, Ms Boobies, breathlessly wiping the sweat from her forehead said: “I’ve never seen so many, well, ‘you knows’, in my life. I hadn’t realised just how they were all so, well, er,…...….” and somewhat flushed ran back into the auditioning room. Less circumspect, Ms Gimmemore said: “I wish my

Dave had a willy like some of the willies I’ve been... Er... looking at recently.” (Unsurprisingly, husband Dave, was not available for comment). Both Ms Boobies and Ms Gimmemore are expecting to be ready for the first show next Friday night and suggest that interested ladies may be about to witness the start of something big, when their new protégée, Said bin Scrotum of Chirping Loudly, shows you what he’s got. (Tickets obtainable from All Sinners Church at 100$ Zim)

Knot on your Granny! Competitors are now being sought for next year’s European Granny Knotting Day now to be held on February 9th instead of the 30th. (Previous winners, if they are still alive, need not apply). As with previous years, each Granny will be allowed two assistant male knot- tiers who should wear the standard issue leopard-skin posing pouch — with positively NO embellishing inserts!

All Grannies to be knotted should be no younger than 87, exceptionally thin, very tall and extremely supple. Unlike previous years this year will see the introduction of an Agility Test whereby each Granny must demonstrate her agility by being tied into a) a bowline b) sheepshank and c) a half-hitch (clove hitches are not allowed). They will of course be allowed a warm up exercise as in previous years; this

year’s being restricted to a simple reef knot. Any Granny who cannot extricate herself from any of the knots tied during the Agility Test will forfeit her right to snog the judges after the show, and will be wheeled unceremoniously to the nearest hospital to be undone . Interested Grannies should send photos of themselves in a bikini to: Knot your Granny, Knotting Hill, Knottingley

Charlatan Disciples in New Away Strip Charlatan Disciples, languishing at the bottom of the league and desperate to win their next game, have come up with a novel plan. They have introduced a new away strip for the boys. They assured our reporter that it will enhance the team’s image and ensure success. Unfortunately, we cannot show you

the whole photograph as our censors believe it would be in contravention of the Decency Laws. However, we can tell you that the team will be allowed to wear jock straps to keep their modesty intact. Their next match, already a sell out, is expected to attract more women than

men for the first time in the game’s history.

Just a taste of the new away strip

The Origins of Charlatan-cum-Quickly devastating revelations

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Until now little has been recorded concerning the history of our beautiful village. Even a search on Google only reveals that we were voted first in the West Country’s Least Welcoming Village survey and something I didn’t really understand about ‘rumours of unexplained carnal gatherings’. But all that is about to change with the publication of Professor Justin Time’s academic paper entitled “The Normans, What a Bunch of Crooks”. Years of intensive research have revealed that the

Norman Conquest in 1066 was in fact the Norman Con Quest. The entire story was invented by a gang of confidence tricksters (or “charlatans” in Norman) who arrived in Wessex with the sole intent of relieving the locals of their meagre assets. An ancient text, translated from the original Filth, the Wessex language of the time, records the arrival of the Norman charlatans in the quaint village of Thrusting-in-the-Bog in February 1067. According to a contemporary fragment of ‘View from the Wattle Hut’, they enchanted the local

residents with their prowess at onion-bunging and drove them to distraction with their accordion playing. Among several explanations of how the village dropped the name Thrusting-in-the-Bog in favour of Charlatan-cum-Quickly, the most plausible is that the people of Thrusting, having lost all their money to the Normans in a game of ‘Toss the Grommet’, joined forces with the neighbouring village of Quickly-byNumbers to rout the evil con-men. To celebrate, the inhabitants decided to get together and merge the two villages, but someone felt that calling it Thrustingcum-Quickly would be a bit rude. This astounding revelation has produced a couple of interesting side effects: the tourist trade in Hastings has disappeared overnight and the appearance of a blackjack table and a pyre of burning accordions in the Bayeux tapestry has finally been explained.

Charlatan Postman Attempts Atlantic Crossing in Inflatable He admits to being unable to swim, which makes Charlatan postman Derek Smørgørsbørd’s attempt to cross the raging winter seas of the Atlantic Ocean in his 3-yearold grandson’s inflatable that much more of a challenge to say nothing of the fun he will no doubt have in the process. After failing in the world record attempt to cross the Sahara Desert in the very

same inflatable earlier this year, a much drier and less threatening environment for sure, one wonders what exactly is driving the 47 year-old part-time mailman to these extremes. Our reporter asked the devil-may-care man of letters just this question. “Well” said Mr Smørgørsbørd finishing his last mouth-full of lunch “it’s like this’ and reaching for

his Zimmer frame got up and crossed the floor to the mantelpiece where he took down a framed photograph and handed it to our reporter. ‘It’s the missus’ he said with a grimace. And looking at the photo our reporter immediately understood what it was that was driving the poor man to his certain death.

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The Zircon

Jockstraps Through the Ages Charlatan Community Hall Saturday 15th Sept. 22-5pm Local collector displays his phenomenal collection of this unusual item of gents apparel. (Note: this is not for easily excitable ladies). Gents Flour Arranging Sadly Drooping WI. Sat. 15th 2pm2pm3pm Self-raising, gents, only please & bring a rolling pin

If you don’t have a Zircon then perhaps now is the time to think about buying one. Stupefyingly easy to operate they come in 27 shades of silver and can fit easily into your pocket. And at only 20$ Zimbabwe They’re a must for any self -disrespecting alcoholic What do they do? They monitor your alcoholic intake and advise you how many drinks you have left before you become comatose - or dead . Order one today From www.mammothcon.com You won’t be disappointed Our usual 3 minute Money Back Guarantee

Annual Kite Flying Contest Chirping Memorial Park SunSunday 9 Sept 3pm – til dark Will contestants please note all kites will be rigorously inspected prior to the competition to ensure we don’t have a repeat of last year’s fiasco in which one of Mr Gormley’s colostomy bags somehow got into the competition and won first prize!

Tiddlywinks Championship Dangling Donkey Charlatan Sunday Sept 9th 12 – closing Contestants please note that any tiddles or winks that accidentally end up in someone’s beer will lead to that contestant’s disqualification. Please note also that, sadly, Tiddles the pub’s cat will not be entering the competition this year owing to a sore paw.

Mavis Trubshaw Wins Cigar Smoking Contest The annual cigar smoking contest held in Chirping Loudly last week saw a number of the audience overcome with smoke inhalation. St John’s Ambulance spokesperson, Doug Updown, claims to have given the kiss of life to no fewer then 12 very attractive females in the audience, whether they needed it or not, and most of whom were, he added ‘wearing those very, very sexy lengths of string they call underwear’. It has not been established what type of undergar-

ments the winner of the competition, Mavis Trubshaw, was wearing, but whatever style it didn’t seem to affect her abilities in the cigar smoking stakes and she claimed first prize in all three categories: Quantity, Number and Vomit. In the Quantity Category she beat last year’s winner, Toby Akoash, by smoking 100 King Edward’s in one hour. In the Number Category, thanks to a device constructed by her husband, Murray, she smoked four cigars simultaneously beating her nearest rival who could only manage three. And for the Vomit Category, she managed to fill five Addis

buckets compared to the three filled by nearest rivals, brothers Hughie and Ralph Spew. When asked what she was going to spend the 5000 Zimbabwean dollar prize money on, she told our reporter to ‘sod off and mind your own business’. Slightly more accommodating, husband Murray delightedly showed us his multiple cigar smoking device, which he hopes to patent in the new year. When asked how he came by the idea he told our reporter to ‘sod off and mind your own business’.

Rev. Gerry Gropem Attacked in Cemetery Strolling through the cemetery at Charlatan’s All Sinner’s Church yesterday the Reverend Gerry Gropem was surprised to see a flock of lesser spotted Scottish cuckoos. Initially amazed at such a wondrous and rare sight, the Reverend took advantage of his luck and encouraged the normally shy birds to flock around him by mimicking their call. His ruse worked and he was soon surrounded by the brightly coloured birds, but unfortunately covered in

guano too. Undeterred, the Reverend stood his ground until the guano became thick and ultimately dried, at which point he found he could not move. Fortunately, Mrs Ida Riley, visiting her mother’s grave, happened to notice what she thought was a marble statute trying to move and became suspicious enough to call the police, who in turn called the fire brigade, who in turn called the vet, who in turn called a stone mason, who took a

hammer and chisel to the alarmed Reverend and chipped the now somewhat smelly man free from the offending crust. Ever alive to the possibility of generating funds for the restoration of the church steeple, the Rev. is now selling packets of dried cuckoo guano for 104$ Zim, but refuses to be drawn on the question of why he was wandering naked in the cemetery!