View From The Steeple 4

The

All-new

Monthly

of

Silliness

for

Silly

Addicts Volume 2

Issue 4

This month includes a map for those silly people, usually Americans, who don’t believe that Charlatan-cum-Quickly is a real place. OK, So NOW do you believe it?

VIEW FROM THE STEEPLE News and views from a congregation near YOU

Police Suspect Foul Play in Pole Dancing Death Hello there dear readers. Someone, we don’t unfortunately have his or her name, has had the temerity to complain about what they consider the poor quality of the Steeple! Would you believe it? Poor quality!!! We can only assume that the person so inflicted with such a lack of appreciation of the finer things in life must be a foreigner—and Lord knows there are enough of those wandering our streets at the moment. Their main argument was that we don’t actually provide a forum for the voice of the people of Charlatan-cum-Quickly and its environs among other things. Anyway, who ever this cove may be, we have taken their comments on board and have, as you will see, changed the format somewhat. So now YOU can have your say with a special Letters column. There will also be regular spots for Charlatan’s vicar the Rev Gropem and Ted Rake, famed local gardener, to share their thoughts with you all and, along with Wing Commander Buttocks-Brown, perhaps to have a jolly good moan about whatever they feel like moaning about. Plus dear Hermione, our tea lady, has promised to respond to your most intimate concerns with such words of wisdom that can only be acquired through the serving of tea for hundreds of years –although she says it’s only twelve. Anyway, see what you think to the new format and if you have the courage, let us know what you think. (You’re quite safe, our in-house heavy is on holiday this month).

© T Wheater

S Lawder 2009

The recent sad death of Mrs Marjory Bates of Charlatancum-Quickly (new readers see Volume One) has aroused the suspicion of the police who accidentally opened a phial of sticky marmalade on the case. Their suspicions seem to have fallen on Polish Count Vladimir Dimitri Slobalot, currently residing in the village of Charlatan with his devastatingly lovely partner BUM Party accountant Jeremy Stealer. The Count was arrested yesterday in a flurry of excitement at the Charlatan Polish Club where police took away

a dancing pole believed to h a v e b e e n instrumental in Mrs Bates demise. Police are keeping tight lipped on the subject but the Count, released on a bale of straw this morning, was forthright in his condemnation of his treatment. “They served me bloody Tierra del Fuegan marmalade for breakfast knowing I have only recently had an operation to help me kick the habit” he angrily told our reporter. “I’m already coming out in spots. Look!” and thereupon dropped his pants pointing angrily to the offending rash.

As for Mrs Bates” he added, his pants remaining lowered, “we were members of Marmaholics Anonymous that’s all. Just good friends sharing a problem. You know what they say” added the Count, a former finance wizard in the Icelandic Banking system “a problem divided by two equals six” ? It may interest readers to know that the pips often found in jars of Tierra del Fuego marmalade, of which the Count used to be inordinately fond, are not very nice.

International Waterless Swimming Gala a Success What to do with 4 million gallons of chlorinated bath water? That was the question facing Charlatan councillors after they had successfully bid to hold the International Waterless Swimming Gala this year. Fortunately, their prayers were answered by a Mrs Brenda Golightly of Widdiecum-Fare who willingly acquiesced to providing parking places for 3,400 water bowsers in her front garden and to provide accommodation for the drivers thereof. As for the week long event itself, well, that has been

© T Wheater & S Lawder 2009

hailed as perhaps the driest ever swimming gala since records began in the Gobi Desert some eighty years ago when the old sultan was still a lad. There were competing teams from around the world performing a variety of weird and unusual events such as the Dry Butterfly and Desiccated Diving and the thrillingly bizarre 400 metre Really Arid Relay. But it was the Charlatan Waterless Synchronised Swim Team who stole the show with their superb rendering of ‘Saharan Crocodiles’ performed to Handel’s little

known “Waterless Music” . The swimming baths were expected to be back to normal by the end of the month, however, it has been discovered that Mrs Golightly has been siphoning off the ’bath water’ and selling it to tourists visiting the games as “Golightly’s Elixir” claiming it would eradicate navel fluff, pubic dandruff, water-on-thebrain, knee-tremblersankle, tennis-groin, snooker players-armpit and footballers-ear. She is reputed to have made a bundle, slung it on her back and done a runner.

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Is canary ‘flu dangerous?

The Quiz Column In response to their popularity we offer another quiz to test your knowledge of behind the scenes children’s stories. This month Little Red Riding Hood 1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6) 7)

8) 9)

Which Parisian hautecouturier, or if you like ‘dressmaker’ was responsible for Little RRH’s abominable outfit? And what on earth was her mother thinking of making the little twit wear red in the forest when it’s a known fact that wolves just love red? It’s the colour of blood for God’s sake! What was Grandma doing living in the forest miles from her nearest Netto anyway? Why did grandma let the wolf into the cottage in the first place– they weren’t particularly good friends? Exactly how did the wolf manage to do up the buttons on grandma’s nighty? And where the Hell was granddad all this time? Which indigestion remedy did the wolf take after gobbling up the old biddy? Did Little RRH wear glasses? Then, why the hell didn’t she suss that it wasn’t her grandma breathing wolf breath, smelling like shit and lying in the bed looking like some animal drag queen with yellow teeth?

Who wrote the stupid story anyway?

Following the first reported case of canary ‘flu in Charlatan this week, my surgery has been inundated with people claiming they have acquired an overpowering desire to eat millet, whistle a merry tune, go down into dark mines with big burly miners and breathe lots of poisonous gas. Quite understandably they have thought that perhaps these are symptoms of the new and deadly virus that the medical authorities in Brussels call Canary ‘flu’ Well, let me put your mind at rest which I can do with hypnosis. Just make an appointment with my secretary and I can have you mindless in no time at all. Then, once in this malleable state I will be able to treat you more easily with an old yet innovative treatment used by the eunuchs of the Chinese court whenever one of the Emperor’s concubines felt like a bit. It’s

Dr Say Arhe gives you the facts

called ‘fondling’ and I am now qualified to apply this wonderfully exhilarating massage technique in the surgery. As for canary ‘flu symptoms, yes indeed if you find yourself eating too much millet or experiencing a tendency to flap your arms about then the chances are strong that you have canary ‘flu. To be certain however, simply look in the mirror—if you like what you see and don’t scream then it is safe to assume you do not have canary ‘flu. If however you see something looking out at you that you recognise as Sylvester the cat’s good friend and playmate, Tweetie-Pie, then call your solicitor immediately and make a will. If of course you already have a will then I recommend Messrs. R Boddy, funeral directors of Charlatan.

Well, don’t worry, I was only joking. Canary ’flu is not dangerous at all and most people after a short stay in bed with Hot Toddy, the rap artist currently appearing at the Charlatan Leisure Centre, pretty soon start to feel themselves, which in all honesty is preferable to having Hot Toddy do it! A lasting side effect however, is the need to defecate while standing up. For which my advice would be to refrain from wearing any underwear. Note: For those of our sillier readers who are not sure what a canary looks like we are publishing a photo for your information

Got you worried there, didn’t I?

Dangling Donkey Licence Renewal Hanging in Balance Following last weekend’s riot at Charlatan ‘s popular local pub the Dangling Donkey, landlord Jack Froth, has been told by police that they will be contesting the renewal of his licence next week unless he can guarantee that similar events will not reoccur. Late night revellers at the pub

caused havoc after they learned that their favourite barmaid, Linda Flauntit had refused to continue serving their drinks dressed only in a cummerbund and sombrero. One of the locals, Piers Artiste, told our reporter that Lindy was always getting something pinched and she could no longer afford the cream or to keep replacing

the cummerbund. A quick whip round only served to redden her cheeks and she ran home in tears, leaving the landlord to strip off and don the sombrero and cummerbund himself to the obvious disappointment of the customers. Miss Flauntit is adamant that she will not return until the issue of her clobber is resolved.

Close Shave for Trollop Woman Housewife Mrs Marjory Door (26) of Lower Trollop, struck down in her youth with contraalopecia—that’s when you grow more hair than you need — decided ten years ago to quit shaving and just let it all hang out, literally in some cases. This extreme action was all in a good cause however, as she wished to raise awareness of the plight of bald women in Tristan de Cuhna and sought sponsorship to beat the world record length for pubic hair.

Marjory Door demonstrating just how long her pubic hair had been until yesterday

Such was Mrs Door’s determination that she succeeded and easily beat the previous record of 18 inches, held by Tibetan yak herder, Pu Long, by a good six inches. Husband and ornithologist, Mr Jack Door, (31) who took three hours to shave his wife yesterday, said he was pleased she’d started shaving again as there had been times over the last few years when, apart from tripping over her pony tail, he “hadn’t been able to see the wood for the trees” as he euphemistically put it.

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Five jars of ‘Brigadier’s Marmalade’ will be awarded to the writer of the best letter each month

MISSING PERSON

Letters to the Editor Sir, I do so enjoy reading your on-line magazine but would like to request that you show more pictures of scantily clad young laSir, dies. My wife likes wearing satsumas Randy, but still…... on her head but cannot easily Sadly Drooping find them out of season. Has anybody any ideas where we Sir can get hold of them at such The misses stumbled on a rectimes? ipe for making something the Bothered. Victorians called ‘Angry Bread’ which sounded so weird she Sadly Drooping decided to make some. After Ed eating it we both became really We have awarded the prize to angry and started bashing each Bothered as we understand the other until the bread digested Brigadier’s marmalade contains and we calmed down. I was wonsatsumas and as such may well dering if any supporters of Charoffer a remedy in the interim latan Disciples would like the until such time as he finds a recipe for the next away match supplier of the unadulterated when they meet Lower Trollop product for which he is search- Wanders. The fans got so ing. trounced by the Trollop fans last

This month’s prize winner comes from Bothered of Sadly Drooping

Horace Ptarmigan (35) of 27 Maloderous Place Charlatan went missing last Friday night after telling his wife, Hilda, that he was just going out for a bit. However, he never arrived at Tyed Wong On’s, his normal rendezvous for a bit but was last spotted by a seagull with excellent aim and must have disrobed thereafter, as his white tabard, red T-shirt and stained Delia Smythe (zipless) boxer shorts green socks and patent leather shoes were found in a plastic bag outside the Cycle Repair shop on Caliper Street. Should anyone recall seeing him would they please say nothing to the police otherwise the Life Insurance claim may not be paid. Thank you Mrs Hilda Ptarmigan

time I thought we could maybe salvage some of our pride. Oh Crumbs! Charlatan Sir I have never been able to open successfully a tin of sardines. That bloody stupid key they stick on the tin either breaks during the undoing or it’s gone missing between Netto and my house. Does anybody have any clever ideas on how I can get into the damned tin. My cat loses so much weight waiting for me to open them, I fear she’ll die soon. Worried. Chirping Loudly

Sir Why can’t I buy this excellent magazine at my local newsagent— like mine. Editor. Private Eye

Twinned or Not Twinned – That is the Question The Charlatan Twinning Comm-ission today signed a Twinning Agreement with officials from Pop-a-DumbDad in India’s hot and sticky Punjab. The signing event was held in Charlatan’s ‘The Balti Curry Kitchen’ handily situated next to the public toilets in the market square where dignitaries enjoyed a vindaloo or two—not in the toilets, the

curry house. Nishram Pam Tam Bum of Pop-a-Dumb-Dad spoke to the gathered crowd outside the toilets after the meal saying how pleased he was that the two towns were now linked saying how he envisaged a time in the nottoo distant future when the whole of Charlatan would one day become a great and burgeoning city filled with lots of Hindus and Buddhists

freely wandering cows, monks in saffron-coloured robes, lots of poor beggars, the occasional passing elephant, lots of those silly three-wheeled taxis, Bollywood movie stars driving around in their Rolls-Royces and dirt, dust and flies every-where. Councillor E.M.Bezellement, on behalf of the people of Charlatan told Nishram not be such a silly bugger and ripped up the Twinning Agreement .

Sisters of Doreen in Habit Scam The Catholic Church has been hit by yet another scandal. Not perverted paedophile priests this time — which makes a nice change — no, this time it’s the turn of the nuns, in particular the nuns of the Sisters of Doreen at the convent in the pretty moor’s village of Gruelling . A certain Sister Doreen 223rd had been discovered sewing plastic grills into used habits during the dead of night when she should have been quietly masturbating in her cell.

After being closely watched, she hoped the money would she was arrested at midnight soon be returned. on Wednesday when she was caught exchanging a large carton containing the altered habits for a quantity of bank notes, (subsequently found to number 10,000 in used an tatty US one dollar bills) with known felon and dealer in stolen burkhas, Waffa Radar originally from Sister Doreen 223rd Alleged to have Baghdad but now living in altered used habits for sale Chirping. Mother Superior, Doreen to Moslem women for use as niqabs and burkhas 176th, was dismayed, saying (Photo censored by the Vatican)

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4

Doomsday for Drooping’s Delinquents The Centre for Dealing

For Sale

An incredibly large quantity of original

Pooh Sticks As used by

Wino Pooh and Christobal Wren in the Hollywood smash Night of the Long Sticks Guaranteed to float for up to thirty miles. Made of real wood. Many with original bark. Some still contain sap which makes them exceedingly waterproof. And all for the unbeatable price of

400$ Zim. Each Orders over 100 at the special price of 399$Zim. each Order today from www.mammothcon.com Our usual money back not

Guarantee

with Delinquents which opened in Sadly Drooping last year has proved to be a success, if the local crime statistics are to be believed. Centre Manager, Dr Franz Mengele invited the Steeple to take a look to see how it had been achieved. Our reporter was shown a number of devices for correcting deviant behaviour, some of them of such frightening aspect that just looking at them made his anal sphincter contract violently. It was particularly influenced in this way by the ‘Dynamic Dangler’, pictured, into which a young hooligan is strap-

ped and left hanging for a few hours before being fired into space, never to be seen again. Local resident, Aldous Grolly says he has seen a number of hooligans flying over his house, usually on Saturdays when Dangling sentences are carried out. Our reporter also heard from inmate, Derek Swann, an arsonist who admitted to being a changed person after having

undergone the ‘Marmalade Dip’: a punishment which involves the inmate being dipped in a vat of marmalade, taken to the mammal house at Chirping zoo and there licked by an army of avaricious aardvarks— which, according to the management of the centre, is a sure-fire deterrent .

A young recidivist receives his comeuppance at the new Punishment Centre for Hooligans in Sadly Drooping

Jim Nutter Wins Car Carrying Contest Again Jim Nutter was having his neck re-stretched in Charlatan Hospital today after his success at the Charlatan International Car Carrying Contest. It was the third time the 304 kilo 26-year-old has won the contest and has so far pocketed prize money totalling 5 million $ Zimbabwe. Asked to what he owed his success at this exceedingly

dangerous event, the jolly fat man replied that it was all down to the iron rod he’d had implanted to replace his spine which had been irreparably crushed years ago in an accident when he was run over by a convoy of 47 articulated lorries and a postoffice van. ‘After the accident,’ he said, ‘I couldn’t walk or do anything so they re-moved my spine and gave me and inserted an

iron rod instead. Now I still can’t do any-thing but I find I can carry big heavy things on my head.’ After doctors had restretched his neck, Mr Nutter was tied to the roofrack of his car and driven to his Chirping home, where his wife stood him in a corner, dusted him off and complained strongly about the poor hygiene in hospitals nowadays.

Charlatan’s People—this month Sydney Clippers My name’s Sydney Clippers and I’m the ladies hairdresser above the fish and chip shop on Duke Street, Charlatan. I’m good at what I do and I have won many awards for my styling. Last year I came second in the Grand Stylist of the Year Award. I didn’t win because the woman I’d arranged to be my model didn’t turn up

so I had to use my mate Harry Bentopp who’s bald. Anyway, this is a picture of Harry after I’d finished with him: nice looking bloke is Harry when all is said and done, even if he is bald. But anyway the judges liked what I did to his head and it stole the show (I was just lucky Harry had a lot of body hair otherwise I’d not have been able to do much) Anyway, if you want to look like

Harry Bentopp then you

know where to come. I’m open 8 til 8 every day except Sunday Shampoo and set only 50$Zim

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Biggles Blows Off Capricorn This is Your Horror-scope

for the year By French Horrorologist Uranus Pluto Quemien

As a Capricorn you will know that you were born sometime between December and February - more often that not, in January, and that you were born with the sun or the moon in the sky at the time depending on whether you were born at night or during the day. There were also some stars and planets around too although if it was cloudy when you were born this could affect the whole of your life. For those who were born when it was cloudy, well it’s just hard luck, I’ m afraid. But for those of you born when the sun was shining, well ...good news. You are going to come into a vast fortune, meet the love of your life and buy a palatial villa on an island somewhere. There you will become bored and start breeding dogs for something to do. Sadly, one of the dogs will bite you and you will contract bladder wrack bulge and die a painful death .

Rant of the month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks-Brown What on earth are those bloody Council Leaders up to now. I was walking down Charlatan High Street the other day and suddenly I was struck by a thunderbolt , one akin to those Zeus used to hurl about when he was none too pleased with something or other, although of course I am speaking in a figurative sense for had I actually been struck by one of said Greek God’s thunderbolts I would not be writing to tell you I’d been struck by a thunderbolt. Anyway as I was saying before you interrupted, I was walking down Charlatan High street when I noticed Bogarde Diddle the street clean-

er (I only know his name because I actually asked him.) Well, the thing that has been bothering me ever since I had a word with Mr Diddle is, in a word: ‘rubbish’. What does he do with it when his trolley-thing is full? Mr Diddle was very informative and told me he just empties the whole lot into a skip down at the Council tip. “What, just like that?” I asked. “Yep” he responded, somewhat too nonchalantly for my tastes. “But there’s all sorts of rubbish in there” I said pointing at his almost full trolley-thing, and thereupon began to enumerate what

sorts of things I saw lying festering therein. My point , readers, is that the Council do not appear to abide by their own rules and, if Mr Diddle is to be believed, fail to separate their waste, simply dumping the varied mix of detritus they collect from our streets into one single receptacle while the rest of us poor hard-done by citizens have to fart about putting this into that bin, and that into this bin with huge penalties if we do not so do. I have it in mind to demand the buggers explain this tawdry practice at a public gathering.

There, There ‘Handbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic people Dear Hermione I’ve just had a baby and I was wondering if I should call it Hermione after you as I do so admire you and the things you do. Mrs G Humps Dear Mrs Humps It all depends on whether or not your baby is a cute and adorable little girl or prospective beer-swilling layabout darling little boy. If it’s a girl I recommend you find and alternative to Hermione unless

you envisage the dear little thing doing a lot of humping when she gets older. If it’s a boy, well go for it, it can only help in our fight for sexual equality Hermione Dear Hermione My husband has acne of the bum and it is really quite unsightly when he takes off his boxers. In fact his bum looks very much like a Margarita pizza and it puts me off having sex with him. What can he do to get rid of it? Sexually Frustrated.

Dear Sexually Frustrated. I recall one of my ex-lovers had the same problem and I know exactly what you mean. In m y case, though, I wasn’t married to him, so I just ditched the spotty clown and found a guy with a nice smooth bum. As for you and yours, well I have heard that those oranges from Tierra del Fuego we keep reading about are good for getting rid of spots, so why not give them a try. Just rub orange peel onto his bum and see what happens. Hermione

Forthcoming Social Events Sand –Dragging North Beach Chirping Loudly Sun 2 Oct 2-5pm This fun new sport, somewhat akin to water skiing but on dry land, is making its debut this coming weekend at Chirping. Come along and watch daring dopes being dragged thru the sand behind a dune buggy. Great fun—to watch but eat your sandwiches on the promenade as the sand gets everywhere during the event and the organisers accept no responsibility for sand that finds its way into your sandwiches - or anywhere else.

Quinching - another old and forgotten Dorset tradition explained by local historian Ewart Toggs Sadly Drooping Memorial Hall Wed 6 Oct 2-4pm If Dorset traditions of yesteryear are new to you, a clue as to what Quinching was can be gleaned from some of the gargoyles on All Sinner’s Church Charlatan. Ask Rev. Gerry Gropem to show you them. The number of young girls who actually took part in the fun. and how the men erected such monoliths is mind- boggling.

Swedish Masseuse Smär Tärsing gives a demonstration of the famous Scandinavian Bëmmøling. Charlatan Leisure Centre Fri 8 Oct 2-4pm . Note that because of the ingredients comprising the ointments which are applied to the Bëm, those foolish enough to volunteer for treatment should ensure they are not allergic to reindeer shit or Swedish meatballs as soreness following the treatment often leads to inflamed passions.

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The Reality that is Charlatan-cum-Quickly For all you dilatory doubters out there who thought our wonderful village of Charlatan-cumQuickly and its neighbouring villages was just simply the product of the - albeit impressive, fertile and, yes, erudite - imagination of some twisted sods who have nowt better to do with their time than to pollute the internet with yet more falsehoods and downright lies, well here is the proof.: a photograph, taken from a hot-air balloon 25 miles high over that particular part of what has recently been referred to as The New Third World, once Great but now—whatever the opposite of Great is— Britain. That country where folk are so enamoured with the idea of ‘Celebrity Status’ and becoming famous themselves, that they just love the idea of being on ‘the telly’ - even if it’s only on one of the 180 million police surveillance units dotted about the place. (Apologies for the lack of clarity regarding the photo, but from 25 miles high with the wind blowing like crazy some of the names, which villagers had carved into the rocks and turf and painted on boats and things especially for the photo, have turned out a little indistinct .