View From The Steeple 3

The

All-New

Monthly

of

Silliness

for

Silly

Addicts Volume 2

Issue 3

VIEW FROM THE STEEPLE News and views from a congregation near YOU!

Metro Link Opened in Chirping The revelation that Grumpy Gordon, author of last month’s ‘Rant of the Month’ is none other than our very own celebrity resident Wing Commander Algernon ‘Biggles’ Buttocks-Brown OBE, VC, ASBO and Bar, marks a significant leap forward for ‘View form the Steeple’. To have succeeded in luring a renowned, not to say deluded, public figure to share his innermost thoughts with you, dear readers, is so exciting that your editor had to go and sit somewhere quiet for at least ten minutes. The more gullible among you will recall stories in the national gutter press alleging that the Wing Co’s Breton Underground Movement (BUM) party had swept to victory in the recent European elections and that he had appointed himself as Emperor Biggles the First of Europe. He now wishes to confess that this was all a complete misunderstanding, which would never have happened if his nurse had remembered to disconnect his nuclear attack button before switching on the TV. On your behalf, we have accepted his apology, although we are not sure what he is talking about. Welcome to ‘View form the Steeple’ Biggles!

© T Wheater & S Lawder 2009

The underground transportation link between Widdiecum- Fare and Chirping Loudly, so long in the laying, has finally been officially o p e n e d . Councillor E.M Bezellment, performed the ceremony today in front of a virtual crowd of ten excited potential travellers. On shovelling away the last of the debris from the opening to the tube, the Councillor was at pains to remind everyone that it was because of the lack of government aid that the tube’s diameter is less than that originally budgeted for. “Nevertheless” he added “commuting time between Widdie-cum and Chirping Loudly should be halved.” Having symbolically cleared away the opening, Councillor Bezellment then asked for a volunteer to be the first of

the anticipated many who will make the journey. Take up of the offer was slow, but eventually Reginald Wormly was pushed to the fore and was persuaded to take his place in history. After removing all but his underpants, (the tube’s dimensions only allow for naked or virtually naked travellers of normal proportions) he was squeezed into the tube by the Councillor who after attaching the specially adapted impellor, checked that the ‘passenger’ was not too uncomfortable and then pressed the ’send’ button. There was a loud report, a puff of pale orange smoke, followed by the enthusiastic applause of the somewhat dazed onlookers. In order to avoid risks of damage to the tube, a greater proportion lies 200 metres below the surface and in that way it is hoped it will remain free from

attack by rabbits, moles and terrorists. The cost for travelling the forty two miles between the two towns has yet to be announced but it is believed it will be in region of 123 $ Zimbabwe — return. The construction of the link between Charlatan and Chirping has already been started and is expected to be open and running by the end of the year. In the meantime, Mr Wormly does not seem to have appeared at Widdiecum, but it is hoped he will arrive shortly - although it has to be said that the loud banging heard from inside the tube half way between Widdie-cum and Chirping does not lend optimistic support for this view. .

Count Slobalot in Golfing Scam Polish Count Vladimir Dimitri Slobalot, long-time resident of Charlatan has been severely reprimanded by Chief Inspector Holden Grudge of Charlatan Police for his part in a golfing scam said to have been set up by his onetime lady-friend, marmalade lover and owner of the brothel on Silver Street (number 27, open 9 til late), Tyed Wong On.

The Count is purported — but you can’t really tell from the way he walks — to have placed orders with Q-Bic, a subsidiary of well-respected local company Q-Associates, for a large quantity of lefthanded niblicks with the intention of offering an illegal ‘niblick relief service’ with infamous masseuse Annie ‘Bristols’ Pounder rendering the service.

The Count was unavailable for comment today, but his gardener Clem Attis, speaking from his hospital bed, gingerly revealed all and told our reporter that he hadn’t wanted niblicking but the Count had insisted he be the first to try it out if he wanted to keep his job. Mr Attis has been left profoundly traumatised by the experience and intends to sue — someone—anyone!

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Iris Peebody Blamed for Sea Level Rise PANIC OVER! At last the truth about sea-level rise

Pope Wayne III seeks audience with G.O.D.

The Prime Minister’s Past A No-go Area - for him!

For some time scientists have queried the idea that sea-level rise is the result of melting glaciers, and recent evidence would now seem to support their doubts. A recent survey of the waters off the coast of Loo-onSea by the Sadly Drooping and Chirping Loudly Society Of Scientific Sillysods has discovered copious quantities of ‘human water’ mixed with the saline solution commonly found in sea water. Disturbed by their findings, they have been spending most of their weekends and free time on the beach collecting samples and tak-

ing photos of scantily clad young ladies disporting themselves in the sun. It was during one of these leering moments that they spotted Mrs Iris Peebody apparently emptying her bladder in the surf - not once but 74 times in one day! When questioned about her use of the ocean as a toilet, Mrs Peebody professed incontinence owing to a severe dose of bladder-wrack bulge, a disease known to affect the pelvic floor and one which no amount of tongued-and-grooved planking can fix. “As it all ends up in the sea anyway” she said releasing

the wedgie in her bikini bottoms ,“I thought I’d save a few bob on me water bills, like.’ Mrs Peebody was appraised of the threat to the planet her habit of peeing in the sea was causing and persuaded to do it in the confines of her own WC. The contaminated sea where Ms Peebody did it!

Pope sets off for Mars The scene at Cape Carnal today

was one of high drama as His Foolishness Pope Wayne III climbed aboard the shuttle for his flight to Mars. Convinced since his youth that Mars is the home of GOD (Good Old Dan Brown) his Wackiness has nurtured a wish to visit the planet in the hopes of meeting the Almighty at what some in

the Vatican believe is The Creator’s winter residence. Loaded with gifts of Vatican shortbread and cuddly toys, his Undeniably Gullibleness said how much he was looking forward to some in depth conversations on the meaning of why the payment for passing ‘GO’ at Monopoly has not been raised, and perhaps why GOD allowed the

birth of George W. Brash. It was only after take-off that it was realised His Quaintness had forgotten his suitcase containing his boxer shorts, a dozen Playboy Magazines and a signed copy of Richard Dawkins’ ‘The God Dilemma’, a book he had planned as an extra thought-provoking gift

PM Richard Tater Buggers up the Brighton Bash The annual Festival of Silly Buggers at Brighton this year has been cancelled owing to pressure from the Government. which issued a Banning Notice today. It is believed that the Prime Minister himself is behind the ban as he himself was once a ‘Silly Bugger ‘in his youth and is continually embarrassed by

not infrequent reporting of at the Odeon cinema has some of the silly things he has been censored). said and done like the time he But then there was the time when he had visited Tierra del Fuego where he had

(The above anecdote from the PM’s days as an usherette

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The Quiz Column The first of this month’s quizzes comes to you from the Buddhist Monastery in Sadly Drooping where the monks have got a bit bored and have applied their meditating skills to quizzes. Try it—it’s a tough one. 1)

……………………?.

2) ….………………… ? 3) ……………………… How did you do? Difficult eh? So here’s an easier one compiled by the Charlatan Police Force 1) 2) 3)

4) 5)

6) 7) 8)

9)

How many years do you get for riding a tandem without a passenger? What’s the fine for breathing in public? How many years in prison for contravening the law that you shouldn’t wear a hat in the cinema? What is the penalty for giving your child’s friend a lift in your car ? How many years do you get for putting orange peel in the rubbish bin marked ‘Paper Only’? Which wrist do politicians get slapped for employing illegal immigrants? What’s the penalty for saying what you think about anything at all? What’s the penalty for mooning in front of one of the 180 million cameras dotted all over the country? How many weeks does a Police Force take to train it’s members to deal with civil unrest ? (You’d all better be quick then , hadn’t you?!!)

Yak of the Year Award He’s done it again! Yorik the Himalayan Yak has beaten all-comers in the annual Hairy Yak of the Year Award held this year at Chirping Loudly zoo. 120,000 Yaks from all over the world took part in the event which is now said to be more popular than Crufts or even Arthur’s Aardvark Experience. For the third consecutive year the honours have gone to Yorik, and even before that is was Mum of Yorik who always took away the prizes. Handler, breeder, rider, hair-

dresser and yak-lover Mr Yogi Hashimoto, president of the Yakusa Yak Farmers Federation of Tokyo was delighted with his protégé and said how he felt honoured winning the Best in Show Award yet again. More importantly though, Mr Hashimoto added, was the fact that he would not now have to dock Yorik’s tail—something tradition insists should a yak fail in what is considered by the Yakusa its duty to win any competition it is entered for. Yorik was obviously delighted too, for not only did he (or maybe it’s a she) bellow like a happy yak, but crapped with delight all over Mr Hashimoto’s

crocodile shoes. Note:

Reverend Gerry Gropem of All Sinners’ Church Charlatan has a large quantity of yak manure for sale at very reasonable prices together with a large number of yak tails—ideal he says for making yak-tail soup. Contact the verger for more details.

Angry Mob Throws Eggs at Lady The new mosque in Sadly Drooping was opened today by Lady Doris LetchingFreely, second cousin to the Prime Minister and ex- lover of a certain local romeo Mr Fred Entwhistle. A large crowd had gathered to witness this important event and her Ladyship, aware of the controversy surrounding it’s construction in a predominantly hea-

then community, was careful to assure everyone that Islam was not only a great religion but a leader in women’s fashion too, so much so that Giorgio Armani had been commissioned by a leading Imam to design a new burkha for his three hundred and seventy wives. And as if to prove the point Her Ladyship removed a rather fetching straw boater and donned a

delightful maroon niqab with pink rosettes. The crowd went berserk and began to throw eggs at the good lady whom it has to be said faced up to it all rather well and although slightly scrambled by the incident, retired gracefully to her hotel, where, after changing into a pale blue burkha, sat down to a rather large plain omelette.

Charlatan Police to be Tattooed In an attempt to curtail police identity theft, whereby apprehended criminals claim to be members of the constabulary and thereby avoid arrest, it was decided that all members of the local force should be tattooed on the back of the head - after first having a hair cut. It is thought that this virtual branding will foil the criminals and lead to improved arrest statistics. First to be tattooed, Sergeant

Randy Bloke, chose a cupid’s heart pierced by an arrow, saying it matched the one on his girlfriend’s left or right tit, he couldn’t recall which, admitting that differentiating his left from his right always posed a problem. There will be a choice of three tattoos a) cupid’s heart, b) a pink rose (perhaps for the WPCs) and c) a cartoon of Bart Simpson all three of which together

with identifying initials of the officer concerned should, it is hoped, cover all eventualities. Asked for his opinion on the idea, Sergeant Bloke said: “I fink it’s a bloomin’ good idear. Cos thiese crims are gettin’ more intelle... intillig...entelligin….cleverer than the poleece evryday, like”. Well, I fink so any’ow” (sic,sic,sic,sic,sic)

Bunty Grossthighs in Sumo Wrestling Dispute

Its new Its revolutionary It’s scientific and It won’t cost you a packet

The long-awaited International Ladies Sumo Wrestling Contest to be held this week at Widdie-cum-Fare has turned into a farce as Bunty Grossthighs, World Female Sumo Wrestling Champion, claims her opponent, 2007 Greek Champion, Heidi Megonadis, is a man and has subsequently walked out of the competition. Ms (or Mr—the test results are not yet to hand) Megonadis has been somewhat reticent about the matter although her manager has assured the media that the last

time he saw Heidi in the shower, he hadn’t noticed a thing. Competition judges have asked for tests and Ms/Mr Megonadis has been subjected to all manner of sexually-trying testing procedures including the very painful and degrading…... well, we won’t go into that here. If it is discovered that indeed Ms/Mr Megonadis is of the male persuasion, then he will only be allowed to compete if he has an immediate sex change operation, something Dr Say Arhe of Charlatan says

he is willing to perform for 50% of the prize money some 100,000$ Zimbabwe

Heidi Megonadis yesterday at the Widdie-cum-Fare Sumo weighing-in ceremony

Unclear Physicist in Row Over Contaminated Marmalade The Quantum Stimulator (as used by Eric Flynn’s son Dick)

Heightens sexual potency and lengthens erection time Throw away the Viagra And get started today with special three minutes free trial and our usual money back not

guaranteed Order now from www.mammothcon.com Demand is high so do it today! (Solar panel power pack not included)

Montague Ditherer, unclear nuclear physicist at the Nuclear Research facility in Sadly Drooping has chucked a grenade into the current debate about Tierra del Fuegan marmalade, stating that in his opinion it might have been irradiated, maybe, perhaps, although he isn’t really sure yet as he is awaiting test

results to come back from Charlatan’s Bob Spanner’s car repair workshop. In any event he is pretty certain, although there is still room for doubt, that it was not contaminated by Tierra del Fuego sheep droppings as originally thought, well he doesn’t think so anyway, but he may be wrong.

Area Health Authority spokesperson Deirdre LancingBoyle, expressed her frustration with the so-called expert expressing a wish to see the silly bugger adrift on a raft in the Pacific with nothing but a flask of weak tea, an angry aardvark and a copy of Heath Rob-

inson’s “Physics for Beginners” for company.

There, There Handbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic people Dear Hermione As you are the paper’s agony aunt, I’m sure you’ll be able to offer a solution to my own rather personal agony. I recently awoke in the middle of the night to find a lobster attached to the end of my thingy. Engaging him in conversation (I was always trained to be nice to house guests), I discovered that his name is Fergus, he grew up in the Irish Sea and had become disorientated on his annual migration to the Mediterranean. When I suggested that it is quite unusual for lobsters to be seen fifty miles from the sea or even to migrate

south in the autumn, he became quite angry, accused me of being anti-Irish and clamped my part even tighter. I am a great animal lover, having been married to a sheep for nine years, so you can imagine how his response hurt my feelings, not to mention my member. I am now housebound, as Fergus insists on a bath in salty water four times a day and it isn’t easy doing the shopping in Tesco with a lobster up your trousers. Can you suggest how I can send the little chap on his way to meet up with his family without upsetting him even more? My what-its-name is now turning a funny colour but the receptionist at the medical

centre just laughs and puts the phone down. Please help. Gerald (not my real name. I ’m well known in the village) Dear Gerald What a fix you are in although I’m more than partial to a ‘plateau de fruits de mer’ myself, I am not at all sure how I can help. I checked with my friend and fellow gourmet Rick Stein, who suggests plunging Fergus into a pot of boiling water for 15 minutes, whisking up a cream and brandy sauce and accepting that you may have to manage without your todger for a while. Hermione

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Charlatan Golf Club Changes Dress Code

Need a Topper? Now’s your chance to buy one

Lord and Lady ThumpinglyBrazen are having a carboot sale at Million Acre Manor this Sunday It’s all in aid of chastity of course, her Ladyship being a well-known supporter of women’s tights and chastity belt manufacturers. All proceeds this year will be given to www. mammothcon. com who are raising awareness of the plight of women in Tierra del Fuego

Following the recent attack on one of its members (as reported by this magazine), Charlatan Golf Club has issued new rules regarding its dress code. The incident, which some of our readers may recall, involved an irate lady who took umbrage at the constant problem she had with errant golf balls breaking the glass in her greenhouse. And taking the law, and a golf club into her own hands had proceeded to whack the living daylights out of one of the club’s members. It was upon being questioned by police that the

lady admitted to only realising which of the members to clobber by the Pringle Sweater he was wearing — the wearing of Pringle Sweaters having been the former obligatory dress code requirement of the Club. In order to avoid a chance reoccurrence of this problem, Club Secretary, Mr Andy Capp, has seen fit to ask the male members of the club to commence the wearing of their shirts and shorts—provided they are white and of designer quality—for winter rounds and simply shorts for the summer (socks, provided they are not of the Pringle variety, can be of any style, length and colour. The dress code for ladies has

not been changed and they are still required to wear the one-piece bikinis so popular with the male members, together with the floppy straw hat and swinging corks popularised by Charlatan golfing legend and didgeridoo player, Aussie, Mr Bruce ‘Digger’ Swagman.

A golf ball

Biggles Blows Off Rant of the month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks-Brown ‘Sir’ to you I am almost speechless with rage this month. I can hardly bring myself to write, I am so cross. Not content with leaving my old copies of ‘Big Girls in Leather’ on the pavement because I hadn’t tied them up with the right coloured bloody string, the bin-men (I refuse to call them Cleansing Operatives) appear to have gone on a ‘be-nice-to-the-customer’ drive. The other day as I was chucking cat poison onto my neigh-bour’s lawn, these

infernal men came strolling up the road, would-you-believe-it, whistling!. Whistling, I repeat. How many times do I have to tell them? You do not whistle in front of a senior officer, ever, right? OK. Then, no doubt following some (un)civil servant’s training manual, they smiled and said “Good morning, guv.” Guv? Guv? I did not risk my life sitting in a comfy hotel in London, sending thousands of troops into totally unwinnable and pointless conflicts to be referred to as “Guv’” by my

bin-man. The correct term in all cases where a member of the inferior classes is addressing a chinless, toffeenosed upper class twit is ‘Sir’. This should be accompanied by a slight bow of respect and a tug of the forelock (or perhaps the foreskin I can never remember which). Where the bin-man is bin-woman as decreed by some deranged politically correct gender equality minister, a bob or small curtsy will do—and we don’t bother about the foreskin.

The Late Kate Crapper Leaves Everything to Her Lovers Wealthy widow, Catherine Crapper of Widdie-cum-Fare who died from cabbage poisoning last month was not present at the reading of her will today— at least it is not thought she was in the room at the lawyer’s office at the time.

In her will, the erstwhile snooker playing, alcoholic, vegetarian, gambling, scubadiving, tennis player left a large and cumbersome fortune to be carved up between her ex-lovers of whom three hundred and seventy five are known to have predeceased the sexy lady leaving

just one, a certain Simon de Grandique, a colonel in the French Foreign Legion, to inherit the vast sum of 200 zillion $ Zim. The Colonel, who lives in France with his mum, was busy washing his tights and so unavailable for comment today.