View From The Steeple 1

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Volume 2 Issue 1

VIEW FROM THE STEEPLE News and views from a congregation near YOU!

The Rev. Gropem finally meets his end Editorial Comment In this, the first issue of what is perhaps the equivalent of insider trading in gossip, you will discover that village life, especially the village life of Charlatancum-Quickly and its environs, isn’t what perhaps you may have thought. In fact, of late, there has been an influx of city-dwellers and folk from the more staid villages intent on buying up all available property in the area simply in order to ‘get in on some of the grosser acts’, though which of the many acts that ‘go on’ hereabouts they wish to avail themselves of has yet to be discovered. Rest assured however, they will be spoilt for choice—as you will soon read. In the meantime, enjoy the read and we’ll hope to see you next month .

© T Wheater & S Lawder 2009

The Rev Gerry Gropem, Vicar of All Sinners Church, Charlatan cum Quickly, one time contortionist with Chipperfield’s Circus, has finally found his way into the coveted Watney’s Book of Physical Feats. Last night at the Charlatan Working Women’s Club before an invited audience of loose and drunken women, he successfully met his end. It was, however, only on his third and final attempt that he achieved success at what the Society of Twisted Contortionists consider to be the most physically challenging of any of their recognised moves. Dressed in an orange leotard over a pair of snazzy pink and white polka-dot tights, the Rev sauntered casually on stage while Mrs Ida Riley played

‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ on the violin. Then, to shouts of encouragement from the boisterous crowd, he proceeded to bend over and peer diligently between his legs to the unalloyed delight of the ladies present. Unfortunately, however, while stretching further round the bend to see his end, as it were, he lost his balance and tumbled from the stage onto the laps of Mrs Ada Brightly and Mrs Iris Munch. After being helped back onto his feet, he proceeded to enact the same move again but bent over too quickly and ripped his leotard. Unabashed, and to the raucous and exuberant cheers of the audience he removed the offending article of clobber and gave the ladies of Charlatan something

of an eyeful. The lack of any restricting garment, however, seems to have done the trick and the Rev. after catching sight of his end during the final stretch returned to the upright position to the appreciative hoots of the audience. Interviewed after the show, the Reverend said he was surprised at just how big his end looked from that vantage point. Mrs Riley, the organiser, said later: “You could see he’s got a lot of balls, I’ll give him that.! I couldn’t have done what he did tonight.” The Rev is currently resting in the crypt of All Sinners where the cool stone floor is soothing his recently aggravated haemorrhoids.

Pope Wayne in Sleaze Row Last night His Devoutness Pope Wayne III was said to be in hiding at his rural retreat in Sadly Drooping. A spokesman for the prelate refused to be drawn on the subject of the accusations made by Mary-Frank LlackDanglies, of Charalatan solicitors Harlot and Strumpet (the prelate’s own solicitors) that he had attempted to

bribe Charlatan’s Police Chief Inspector Holden Grudge with an unknown quantity of Seville oranges. The Prelate, said to be currently co-habiting with Wing Commander Buttocks Brown’s PA, Virginia ‘Busty’ Waters, is believed to have attempted the bribe in order to gain the Wing Co’s release from Molewood

Scrubbs where he is serving a three year sentence for lobbing a jar of marmalade at HRH Queen Tracey who, it is understood, is still feeling a bit sticky . The Wing Co and the Prelate are old friends having shared a sheep or two together while marooned on Tierra del Fuego during the Falklands War.

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Letters to the Editor Advertisement

Winter Joggers -this is for you

Keep out the cold this winter while on your morning run. No more frostbitten ears No more earache No more frozen ear wax No more cracked lobes No more ‘blue’ ear Just slip on the new

Sir The end of the world is at hand. Prepare to meet thy doom. You are all going to hell. You are nothing but a bunch of sinners. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Oops sorry, I thought you were someone else. No offence. Sincerely. (Name and address withheld by order of Mrs Gordon Brown)

Some of us think that Mr Postlethwaite flushed it down the loo just to annoy Miss Ingleby but we can’t find him either. Florence Makepeace God’s Waiting Room old people’s home.

Stuff like that, please leave them in the collecting box in the church porch on Thursday. ‘Sadie’ Strict =

In response to the letter in last month’s ‘View from the Steeple’, the answer is Yes Hello but one of the wheels is a bit I can’t recall who I am or squeaky. where I live. Please contact Herbert Flubb me urgently, if you can find Sir me. On behalf of the National ‘X’ Campaign for the Restoration of King Henry VIII, I am Sir Sir Those of us who are still active appealing (or so my boyI wonder if any of your readare thinking of starting an in- friend says). As I have never ers has come across a Scrabbeen asked to marry anydoor games group in Charlable tile letter Z (triple score) tan. We thought we might call one, this is my last chance, which has been declared so bring back Henry. Please. it Bonkers. If anyone has missing believed lost on Friany ropes or bits of rubber or Catherine of Tarragon day afternoon .

Sculptor Laureate at Cluckingham Palace

JogJog-a-Muff And off you jog With special quick release fastening and insulated ear protectors You’ll wonder just how you managed that winter morning run without it. You’ll certainly cut a dash wearing it too, and it will surely become the latest ‘must have’ for joggers everywhere. Available very cheaply from www.mammothcon.com

Her Majesty Queen Tracey, still recovering from last week’s marmalade incident, has been in talks with sculptor laureate, Tom Whittaker, about his erections. Desirous of having one of her own in the garden at Blotchingly, the Queen asked the erudite sculptor, famous for his rendition in stone of the outsized orange currently parked outside the Law

Courts, if he could accommodate her. Mr Whittaker declined the invitation to have the Queen living with him but agreed to HRH’s proposal to design a replica of her husband, Prince Ricardo’s member –said to be quite large. The Prince himself was unavailable for comment but sent a note to the

sculptor informing him of the dimensions which Mr Whittaker is keeping to himself. Asked if indeed it was a big ’un, he simply replied that his kiln is big enough for the task, adding :“It’s a big challenge but I’ll give it my best shot.” The Prince, on a goodwill visit to Tierra del Fuego, will be available for sittings by the end of the week.

Campanologist experiences a bit of a ding-dong Campanologist, Mavis Murgatroyd suffered rope burns and abrasions during the annual Bell Ringers Ding Dong on Sunday. This years venue, Charlatan’s All Sinners Church , was the scene of the incident where Mrs Murgatroyd, a bell ringer for 65 years, became entangled in the bell rope and was

hoisted upside down into the belfry where the bats took umbrage and attacked the surprised bell ringer . It is believed the bats, normally docile creatures during daylight hours, were aroused by the sight of the good lady’s pink frilly underwear and at-

tacked, it being widely known among circles of batlovers that the creatures find the colour pink a tad disturbing, somewhat akin to a bull and a red rag. Mrs Murgartroyd was treated for shock by the Charlatan Fire Brigade after her rescue and allowed to carry on ringing.

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ARRRRRGHHHH!! Rant of the Week edited by Grumpy Gordon

Ramblers—Beware Grumpy Gordon’s about

If there’s one thing that really gets my goat about summer, it’s the annual invasion of Fat-Arsed Ramblers. A soon as the sun comes out, there they are all over the village, scores of the buggers, waddling past my windows while I am trying to remove the neighbour’s hedge with my flame thrower. Why do they have to be so unb earab l y c hee rful? ‘Good morning’ they say, in that irritating nature lover’s voice, “Lovely day”. Excuse me, but I will be the judge of whether the morning is good and I can see if it’s a lovely day or not with my own eyes. I’m not blind., you know. Luckily I am blessed with a

gift for repartee. “Piss off you fat-arsed git” I reply emitting a loud fart. You should see their faces! Hoho. And would somebody please tell me why they have to dress up in such ridiculous clothes? Stupid floppy sun hats, shirts with so many pockets you could store the contents of Lidl in them, and ghastly shorts that only emphasise their enormous quivering buttocks. Then to cap it all, or rather to foot it all (joke), thick socks and those bloody gigantic boots that you could cross the South Pole in. And every one of them seems to need a walking stick as well. For crying out loud, if they need a stick, what the hell are they doing

out walking for miles? They should be tucked up in their bath chair in a home watching Catchphrase. If I was the Queen (which I have every intention of being one day), I’d issue a royal proclamation banning the bloody morons. Better still, I’d set up a Ramblers Deportation Council which would be responsible for collecting millions of them, loading them into old transport ships and sending them to a labour camp in Australia. Then they could have all the space they need to flab around and make the Australians’ life miserable too. I can’t STAND Australians either, by the way but that’s another rant that I shall return to at a later date.

There, There ‘Handbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic people

Hermione has the answers to some of your problems.

Dear Hermione I wonder whether you could help me with a slightly embarrassing problem. Being very short-sighted, I can’t see the label on my knickers when I am getting dressed, which often results in me putting them on the wrong way round. I’m sure everyone notices when I go shopping, but they are too nice to mention it. My husband, or I think it’s my husband, I can’t see him to clearly, says I should be locked up but that wouldn’t work. Who

would do the shopping? He just sits around all day watching TV, drinking tea and farting, the lazy bastard. Signed: Desperate housewife (name and address illegible) Dear Desperate (May I call you Desperate?) I have a couple of suggestions which may help. You could try shopping backwards. That way your knickers would be facing forwards but you could have trouble crossing the road. Alternatively, you could ask your optician to fix a set of highpowered binoculars to your face with Araldite. Admittedly you will look odd but at least you’ll be able to identify your

husband. My final suggestions is to , murder him. I murdered my husband a few years ago, and just look at me now! Hermione Dear Hermione Do you know William MacTwithers of Sadly Drooping? He says he knows you very well, but I don’t believe him. Curios. Charlatan Dear Curious Mind your own bloody business Hermionne

A Bit of Sporting Stuff The Widdie-cum-Fare anchor throwing c ont est was abruptly halted today. “Someone tied the anchor with a granny knot” said last year’s anchor throwing champ, Sydney Chuckles. “Shouldn’t take me long to do a proper job” he added sitting down with a fid and length of rope.

Mr Chuckles has won the contest 12 times, an amazing feat considering he suffers from Bladder Wrack Bulge – a disease common among anchor throwers. The contest, however had to be cancelled after Syd lost the fid and failed to secure the anchor; it being considered too dangerous to chuck an-

chors about that had not been properly secured. Charlatan Scout Group who had been charged with tying all the anchors were enraged as they considered it a slur on their knot tying skills. They claim the knot was a reef knot and intend to sue.

Saturdays results

BLOTTO The latest thing in alcoholic washing up liquid Now available with a straw for quick access

Break-a-Away Holidays Special Offer Get into it all and enjoy an explosive holiday in Iraq Special offer includes: One way flight in chopper; Free Arabic lessons; Three nights with Abdul the Bulbul Ameer and his lovely wife, Mildred in their newlylow rise apartment block in downtown Baghdad. Enough ammunition for a week and replacement Kalashnikov should the first one jam. Cremation facilities available in event of death SAS instructor available for games of chess during the quiet times CALL NOW AND BOOK Breakaway Holidays Delhi Road Charlatan-cum-Quickly Tel: 03358425

Charlatan Disciples 3 York Angels 2 The Disciples win at last. Held to a draw last week against Widdie-cum-Fare Heathens, they certainly needed a win this week. Now ninety-seventh in the Gospel League, they need a miracle if they are to achieve their aim of winning at least two games in a season. They meet the Canterbury Catholics Eleven next week so need all the miracles they can arrange with their boss, God. It is understood the Pope himself will be present at the stadium cheering on his team. A staunch supporter of the Catholic Eleven, he is known to wear the top half of their away strip while at home with his current concubine, Virginian ‘Busty’ Waters…..who wears the bottom half sometimes. ...or so it is said.

BUM Party Rovers nil Government Goodies 2 The Government eleven have won again for the fortieth week in succession. It is not surprising really as once again they were seen to move the goalposts during half-time. A favourite trick of theirs, it is a sad reflection on how they see the sport…...just a way of putting one over on the opposition. Unfortunately, BUM Party Rovers are currently without their captain, Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ ButtocksBrown, whose perspicacity would have seen the Government ruse for what it was and implemented some kind of retaliatory tactic...no doubt using the marmalade for which he is so justly famous.

Cistercians nil Nuns 69 The long awaited mixed-sex match between the Monks of Monkwearmouth Monastery and the Nuns of Nuneaton was a total surprise, although from the outset it was obvious who would take home the coveted cup. The nuns played in their bedroom strip: Delia Smythe designer Bra and pants, an Armani suspender belt and with fishnet stockings to complete the ensemble. Enticing was the word although the football boots did detract somewhat. No sooner had they run onto the pitch than the monks dropped to their knees and prayed like the Devil.

Charlatan widow in scuffle at 19th hole Fed up with golf balls breaking the glass in her greenhouse, local widow Mabel Wrench chose a niblick from late husbands golf clubs, stormed into the club house at Charlatan’s Golf Club and took a swing at the nearest person she saw in a Pringle sweater. Not having played herself for a number of years and with a handicap of only 15 it is not surprising

that she simply sliced her victim. It was said afterwards that the dive the gent so sliced performed over the bar was worthy of any Man U goalkeeper. But although he had moved like greased lightening to avoid the angry widow the poor chap sustained a severe blow to the head and can no longer recall anything about the incident or even who he is or

where he lives. Consequently, we are publishing his photo in the hopes that someone will claim him. Anyone recognising the photo call the Samaritans on 30948988

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Tai Chi Good for the Sole Says Hang Wong On

A Government Warning

Central Government has taken the unusual step of issuing what they are calling a

Forgery Notice and wish to inform the population of these islands of the existence in circulation of a quantity of £100,000 notes These are total forgeries as this denomination was only issued in blue with pink spots on for the benefit of the late HRH The Queen’s Aunty Beryl (although as she was a bit tight and never spent them none ever ended up in circulation ) Should anyone proffer one for change you should immediately ask them for their ID, and while they are rummaging around in their pockets, purses or handbags execute a full-nelson, a Boston crab or whack the buggers over the head with the nearest fire extinguisher. Then if you can, call the police, if you can’t well, just hang on until help arrives. On no account should you change these notes for smaller denomination notes or indeed any other currency except perhaps Zimbabwe Dollars

Mrs Hang Wong On, teacher of Tai Chi and fan of Delia Smythe’s, says we should all do some Tai Chi everyday. It is good for the soles of your feet. Born in Shanghai, Mrs On learned the art of Tai Chi from the Daliah Camel who was a frequent visitor at the hotel her extremely attractive mother, Tyed Wong On, ran in downtown Shanghai. “I always looked forward to Friday nights” she said with a twinkle in her eye. Following the advice of her mother to become a teacher of the Tai Chi art, Mrs On has never looked back to

front. She recently moved from Charlatan to live in Tierra del Fuego where she now runs a very successful retreat for shipwrecked sailors with her husband Cyril Bates. And when she’s not cooking, cleaning, dusting, washing, ironing, gardening, scrubbing toilets, wiping up spills, sweeping floors, opening doors, closing windows, drawing curtain, painting and decorating and otherwise working her fingers to the bone, she is encouraging their resident sailors in the finer points of Tai Chi. When asked about the

benefits of Tai Chi, Mrs On slowly removed her Wellington boots, then her black, fine denier, fishnet tights, a saucy pair of panties and then proceeded to show our reporter the soles of her feet. “There” she said proudly. “How many have you seen like this?” And wiggling her big toes asked for 100 $ Zim for a good time, upon which our reporter made his excuses and left.—or so he says.

Forthcoming Social Events The Great Knicker Stretch Charlatan Village Green 15th Sept 3pm An attempt will be made on the Guinness Record of 3 miles 20 yards for one continuous line of linked ladies knickers currently held by the ladies of Merthyr Tydfil, Wales. Knickers may be of any size or colour but should be clean with strong elastic

gussets & waistbands to avoid a sudden and potentially dangerous snap! Music of the Spheres Chirping Loudly Community Hall 8 Sept 7pm start Alternative musician Jeff Quaver will play Beethoven’s 5th on an assortment of suspended metal spheres. (Gents should not stand too close to the stage.)

Knee Trembling Contest Sadly Drooping Market Sq. 9th Sept. 2 –5pm Don’t ask! Charlatan Wincarnis DrinkDrinkers Annual Dinner 7.30 pm Sat 22nd Charlatan PavilPavillion Wincarnis drinkers enjoy their annual get-togetherZimmer frames to be left in the car-par

LATE NEWS Scrabble deaths mount . The total deaths resulting from the riot at the recent International Scrabble Tournament held in Charlatan’s Civic Hall now stands at 12½. A police spokesman claims the riot was started by a Miss Id who is now in custody. It is said that someone accused her of using her surname to illegally obtain a triple word score. Whereupon she picked up the bag of letters and pro-

eeded to ram the contents into the mouth of her accuser. Finding some letter tiles still in the bag after her victim had hit the floor gaspping or his last breath, she discovered somewhat oddly that the letters spelled “Quick, leg it, woman” which she did only to be arrested in the early hours of Sunday morning on the quayside at the ferry terminal in Chirping bound for froeign parts, a

a one-way ticket to Tierra del Fuego in her bag. Brigadier in Suicide attempt. Well-known figure about town, the Brigadier was found comatose on the kitchen floor of his home in Widdie-cum-Fare last night. He was rushed to Charlatan hospital where his condition is said to be stable. It is believed that he took an overdose of marmalade while the balance of his mind was disturbed—again.