The Pittiful News

Volume 1 Number 4

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

February 2-6, 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is” Special “If-We-Were-Daily-We-Would-Have-Covered-This-Riot-Five-Times” Edition

Mysterious mass destruction occurs in Oakland By: Rachel Harris

“A group of large, burly waving were also associated men affiliated with one city with the group of large, burly triumphed over another men affiliated with the faA mysterious riot in Oakgroup of large, burly men vored city. The bright yellow land on Sunday baffled both associated with a different cloths were identified as the campus and city police. city. It was an epic battle for “Terrible Towel”, and they Sunday night echoed with the ages,” said Brett Packer, were apparently released by a the sound of thousands of a contributor to mysterious people screaming, cheering, the disturbance Myron Cope, who ripping up street signs, light- from Carnegie It was an epic bat- was unavailable ing things on fire, stuttering, Mellon Univerfor contact. The tle for the ages. specific relevance guzzling, setting off explosity. sives, trumpeting, marching, The specific -Brett of the towels to canoodling, yelling, hemming parameters of mysterious Packer this and hawing, waving towels, this triumph are sporting event yodeling, throwing things, unknown. Howremains unidentiand committing numerous ever, some scattered details fied, even to some of the misdemeanors, as well as the seem to imply that the large, towel-wielders. occasional sonic boom. burly men had been fighting “Yeah, I dunno what it is The uproar seemed to be with each other over posses- really, but I like swinging it,” primarily unprompted, with sion of a pointed ellipsoidal said Pitt junior Terry Boltel. the possible exception of a object of unknown dimenMany members of local law sporting event occurring in sions, with strange white enforcement also felt the some other part of the coun- markings. This fighting took need to be present during the try with an indefinite outplace on a grassy field commotion. Mysteriously, come. With hopes for clarifi- painted with other unfamil- they were already present cation, members of the Pitti- iar markings. before the riot started. An ful News journalistic team Additionally, it seemed investigation as to how much interviewed various members that the towels the particiinformation of this disaster of the crowd. pants of the uprising were was available is pending. Staff Writer

Eileen Tong/Photographer

Rather than adding to the ruckus, however, police officers seemed to be making some attempts to stop the chaos. “Although it may seem wrong to violate the Second Law of Thermodynamics, we believe that reversing the process of entropy contributes to the safety and wellbeing of the community,” said Officer Lance Vombardi. Contributors to the anarchy disagreed. “The Steelers, man! The f*ckin’ Steelers!” said Pitt freshman Steve Norton. “We gotta riot! They won the Super Bowl!” The true identities of these bizarre metallurgic individuals are unknown; whether the mystifying “Super Bowl” mentioned contains cereal or soup remains undetermined.

Eileen Tong/Photographer

Left: Students march along Forbes. Right: Police stand along Forbes. Almost as if they were expecting the students… Eileen Tong/Photographer

The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected] 2 Mayor suffers from untreated case of ASD CORRECTIONS

In the Jan. 30th issue, the movie reviewer incorrectly referred to himself as as “your beloved movie reviewer.” Let’s be honest, Dave’s not beloved. That’s just silly. The Pittiful News regrets this error and assures its readers that we hope that further incidents will not happen.

Police Blotter There will be no Police Blotter in this week’s issue of The Pittiful News, due to the fact that the person who usually collects this information was trampled to death and burnt to a crisp during Sunday night’s mysterious riot on Forbes Avenue. However, we hope to have her back by next week’s issue so don’t mourn our loss too hard. --Reported by Jess Edelstein

Pittiful News Meeting Times Wednesdays 8-9, Bouquet Gardens D Thursdays 8:45-?, Room 304 Cathedral of Learning

Distribution Times Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6 Towers Lobby Saturdays, 9pm-2am Nordy’s Place, WPU Or download it and previous issues @ www.pittifulnews.webs.com

By: Brigid Mulholland so they’re interchange-

able) was a one-up on Freelance Writer Steelerstahl, who turned Pittsburgh Mayor to dangerous activities in Luke Steelerstahl has an apparent desperate been suffering from a bid to regain attention, severe case of Attention- threatening his and our Seeking Disorder over the city’s reputation. In a past months. matter of hours, reports The case was diagnosed had come in about drug shortly after the city deals, cockfights, intercouncil officially changed species sex, and strip the city’s historic name poker occurring in the of Pittsburgh to SixMayor’s office. These burgh on Wednesday. activities all are precise The council’s genius symptoms of the psychoname change (see, cause logical condition called “Pitts” and “Six” both Attention-Seeking Disorhave a short “i” in them, der, or ASD.

Behavioral issues are nothing new for the Mayor. In previous years he has pulled public stunts like taking a police SUV to a Toby Keith concert, forgiving Sienna Miller for sh*tting on the city’s name, and allowing the construction of a whimsical bajillion-dollar tunnel under the Allegheny (which, like his name change, was originally just an amusing suggestion by a radio talk show personality). These were blamed on youth and an endearing lack of ASD, Page 3

OCC guidelines to change immediately By: Diana Ren Staff Writer The University of Pittsburgh’s OCC criteria are to go through a dramatic change soon. Following an accumulation of complaints from students who had trouble navigating the University’s “Outside the Classroom Curriculum”, the program’s director announced an update of the curriculum’s requirements designed to streamline and simplify the OCC process. The program’s website details the new criteria, which reduce the original nine “growth areas” and twenty-four “goals” to

five areas and fourteen goals. Effective immediately, these changes are expected to drastically increase the student participation in the OCC program. Moreover, a statement by the University expressed its interest in reminding students that completion of all growth areas will drastically improve student employability, perhaps so much that an ordinary University of Pittsburgh transcript will be rendered worthless by the first wave of OCCcertified graduates. The new OCC goals are as follows: 1. leadership and lifestyle diversity

- foster appreciation for leadership diversity in all areas of life - develop the skills to effectively communicate and lead via diverse lifestyle channels - engage the University in opportunity management for diverse leadership goals - attend the “Leadership and Lifestyle Diversity” seminar and attain accreditation as a lifestyle diversity leader 2. service to others - volunteer in the University’s annual “service to serve” OCC, Page 4

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Becky Kerner

John Mooney Greg Norcie Phil Papa

Diana Ren Julie Rozen Matt Russak

David Smeresky Eileen Tong Evelyn Yarzebinski

Love us and want us to know it? E-mail us at [email protected]. Hate us and want us to know it? Don’t.

3

The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected]

onions FAG-F.A.Q.: Gay Advice from a Gay Guy

Health Advice from Dr. Kiva Hahn, UPMC* Health Services

Term “scream queen” defined By: Sia Layda

-Personally, I think it makes things easier. You Columnist no longer have to correct I will not be held respon- people when they call you sible for the visual syphilis a prostitute! Plus, you’d you may contract from be getting paid to do God’s reading this column. work (which I’ve heard is HOW MUCH MUST to spread happiness and ONE SCREAM TO BE inner peace, right?), which CONSIDERED A would make you some“SCREAM QUEEN”? thing like a pastor, right? (I’m not really up on -While there is no defini- church terminology…am I tive answer as of yet, the thinking of a Pope here?) most common rate is about one sentence out of three. Finally, here’s a readerThat means that, out of submitted question for you every three sentences you all: form, one must be screamed and/or squealed. Dear Sia, My girlfriend and I have IS IT OKAY TO been together for about eight CHARGE MONEY FOR months now, and we’re beSEX? coming a bit bored in the

bedroom at night. Do you know of any new positions we might try? Thanks! Emily -I didn’t even know lesbians had sex. Well, I guess you learn something new every day! I guess the best thing to do would be maybe ask a particularly…pardon the pun, but loose lesbian you both know for some tips. Lesbians are just too confusing, even for me! That’s all for this week. Remember, keep those flaming questions coming to [email protected] !

Dear Dr. Hahn, I was trampled to death and burnt to a crisp during Sunday night’s Steelers victory riot on Forbes Avenue. What should I do? --Dead-ish for now Dear Dead-ish, Take a week off from school and work to regain consciousness and skin and you should be back to normal in due time. Also, you probably should lay off watching football for several months to avoid another similar encounter. In the meantime, stop by Student Health for some OCC credit, because your transcript is something we’re actually very good at treating. —Dr. Kiva Hahn *Untrained Painfully Mistaken Consultants

E-mail Dr. Hahn health questions at [email protected]

Honest Advice from Jack Aze Dear Jack Aze, My boyfriend has really long hair. I think he would look significantly better with shorter hair but he refuses to get it cut. What should I do? -Concerned Girlfriend Miss Girlfriend, Your boyfriend is gay. Consult FAG F.A.Q. for further information on this subject. —Jack Aze

Got problems? Jack Aze likes hearing about your misery. E-mail him at [email protected]

Steelerstahl’s ASD to not go untreated ASD, Page 2

professional development, not ASD. However, the signs of ASD became clearer as he took more drastic measures, such as changing his own name from Ravenstahl to Steelerstahl in an effort to distance himself from the Baltimore Ravens. His disorder has gone unrecognized and untreated for

so long that most doctors think he is beyond help. Only Dr. Lady McPerson, one of USMC’s top psychiatrists, believes she can uncover the root cause of his disorder and greatly improve his personality. Steelerstahl initially resisted treatment, throwing a tantrum and flashing a pierc-

ing on his foreskin of a replica 2009 super bowl ring at the appalled Lady. But after just two sessions with Steelerstahl, Dr. McPerson claims to have already uncovered the root cause of his ASD. The sessions are, of course, confidential, but an inside source stated that the inciting incident was a sexual

trauma at the hands of a certain intimidating former NFL head coach. Due to the risk of making too many Pittsburgh references in one article, we won’t tell you guys that it was Bill Cowher.

The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected] 4 OCC gets new set of guidelines...ones far younger and more powerful OCC, Page 2

drive into personal artistic 5. career appreciation for - make local service a values and culture personal and community priority in all leadership 4. career skill developservice leadership in the decision endeavors ment diverse lifestyle arts 3. community culture - attend a University - examine successful and arts career “Search and Exdiversity decision- participate in complore” roundtable workmaking via intrapermunally cultural arts shop interview sonal communication - share the experience - gain experience in skills in the artistic of a variety of artistic employability and workplace at the Unicultures with peers workplace excellence versity’s “PNC Under- lead and excel by in- create personal sergraduate Student Lifecorporating community vice learning objectives style Health and Diverfor career leadership

sity for the Future” resume writing fair - complete the Seminar in Bullshit Language (FP 0000-0000) offered through the School of Arts and Sciences

Letters to the Editor Dear The Pittiful News, Rebecca Kerner's column "rape is inexcusable" is high plagiarism. Connect the dots! A Pitt News columnist named Lewis Lehe wrote a column about prison rape headlined "Prison Rape Inexcusable," earlier that very same week. Coincidence? Unlikely! Above Kerner's makeshift piece of yellow journalism was the title "It's Pronounced 'Bitch.'" Meanwhile, Lehe's column is named "It's Pronounced 'Lee.'" It seems Kerner has hardly made an effort to conceal her plaigarism! What brazen disregard! My theory is strengthened given that Kener's name is not actually pronounced 'bitch!' The only difference is that whereas kerner's column merely suggests rape is wrong, which everyone knows, Lehe talked about how in conversation and media, prison rape gets treated as a simple exigency of the prison system. And the sidebar description told of how guards and wardens tolerated prison rape. Also, with my watchful eye and beartrap mind, I gleaned a disturbing inconsistency in Kerner's column. I'm a real sleuth! The line "a certain body part be inserted into the open mouth of a male friend," contains a contradiction: a friend that inserts body parts into open mouths is no friend at all! Copy desk should have caught this glaring error of definition with a simple perusal of Webster's. Eternal vigilence is the price of liberty. A Concerned Citizen, Lewis Vbitche PS Have you gone to SGB for funding? There is often beef between Pitt News and SGB so they will probably help you out some.

Notes from the Editor’s Desk After reading the above letter-to-the-editor, the Pittiful News decided to take the easy road to solving the problem. We have fired Rebecca Kerner from our staff, in an effort to stop this sort of complaint. If you look on our staff list, you will not find the name Rebecca Kerner anywhere there. Although, for the record, despite Mr. Vbitche’s claim, Rebecca’s surname is, in fact, pronounced “bitch”. Her family has interesting lineage. The Pittiful News regrets the incident. —Jake Swanson, Editor-in-Chief