The Pittiful News

Volume 1 Number 7

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

February 23-27, 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”

Students participate in “H8 Ur Computer” Week By: Jake Swanson

Many students said that the effort was a positive experience. Students turned out in “Before, I had a nondroves to cause great harm working computer. Now I and to their computers in have no computer. It‟s like the annual, Pitt-sponsored firing that slacker at work,” “H8 Ur Computer Week”. said grad student Bill Jobs. The event was a week‟s Steve Gates, the head of worth of computer related the “H8 Ur Computer” efactivities, in which students fort, was very pleased with were encouraged to cause as the outcome. much harm to their com“I think we really manputers as possible. Dirty aged to cure a lot of people screens were smashed. Inof their problems,” he said. fected desktops and laptops “After all, I‟m always hearwere beaten with sticks. ing people complaining. „My Broken computer mice and computer‟s running slow.‟ keyboards were dropped out „The keys are stuck on my of windows or fed to wild keyboard.‟ „I gave $5,000 to dogs. some exiled Nigerian prince, but he only needed $3,000.‟ Editor-in-Chief

All the time. With our cause, though, we managed to rid a lot of students of that pressure.” Gates started the effort in 2008 after experiencing problems with his own computer. Just to unmute his computer, Gates had to put it on stand-by, then log in again. To use the internet, Gates had to shut off the Start menu. “I thought to myself, „what if there are more people like me?‟ You know, that just want to f*ck up their computer big time?” he said. Some students, like sophomore Carrie-Anne Reeves, found that the ef-

fort not only helped them by getting rid of a stressful part of their lives, but also helped with their stress in general. “My computer really was giving me a headache,” she said. “Now it‟s gone, so I don‟t have to worry about it, and I just worked off a whole lot of stress beating it to death.” Other students, though, found themselves regretting their decision to participate in the event. “It‟s like waking up drunk next to a fat and ugly girl,” said junior Harrison James, “You do it, then you realize it was a mistake. I mean, it‟s fun and all beating my Computer, Page 4

Pitt does not cancel classes when they should have By: Julie Rozen

did,” Pitt spokesperson Mark Dean said. “The buses were still running, and I felt Despite these grueling con- that all students could make ditions, the University of it to class safely.” Pittsburgh chose to remain Many students disagreed open all week, despite the with Dean‟s statement. horrible weather. “I was almost hit by a car The National Weather crossing O‟hara Street, as Service reported less than an usual, and my shoes got all inch of snow and temperawet from the snow. I mean tures below 32° Fahrenheit the puddles that was snow,” in the Pittsburgh area this said freshman Steve Norton. past Sunday. Other local “The bus was late today,” universities cancelled classes said sophomore Claire Best. throughout the week at the “Clearly, this is a sign of bad professor‟s discretion citing weather.” personal illness as the priThe majority of sidewalks mary cause. on campus were obstructed “I didn‟t see the need to with snow on Sunday. cancel all classes just beWhen Facilities Managecause other universities ment intended to shovel and Staff Writer

Phil Papa/Photographer Students were willing to make use of any implement to show their loathing for technology during “H8 Ur Computer Week”.

Snow, Page 2

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CORRECTIONS

In the Feb. 20th issue, the story “Chevron goes BOOM!!!” incorrectly detailed the explosion. It was more of a “BAMMMMMM!” A bit quieter, and a bit more elongated. Also, the article incorrectly stated that “rumblings were heard from students, researchers, and professors alike”. The rumblings were actually heard by the students, researchers, and professors, not from them. Although I suppose that some of them might have been hungry. Then rumbling might have been heard from them. You know, from their stomachs. Because your stomach rumbles when you’re hungry. The Pittiful News regrets these errors and assures its readers that we hope that further incidents will not happen.

Pittiful News Meeting Times Wednesdays 8-9, Bouquet Gardens D Call 412-735-1040 for access

Distribution Times Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6 Towers Lobby Saturdays, 9pm-2am Nordy’s Place, WPU

Or download this and previous issues @ www.pittifulnews.webs.com

NOTICE: “The Pittiful News” will NOT be distributing next week, March 6th, due to Spring Break. Have fun drinking, getting skin cancer, and checking out girls/ guys that you may or may not have a one-night stand with.

Pittiful Police Blotter Compiled by Caitlin Kempf and Jake Swanson

Sunday, February 22 8:15 p.m.—Police stopped several people wearing white robes with pointy hoods, suspecting KKK activity on Pitt campus. 8: 28 p.m. —The police realized that the KKK suspects were part of a religious choir that sings a Compline service each week at Heinz Chapel. The police

apologize for their mistake.

merely due to celebrating Ash Wednesday.

Wednesday, February 25

Thursday, February 26

11:25 a.m.—Police questioned Pitt sophomore Annie Arnold, believing her to show the signs of abuse due to a large black mark on her forehead. 11:32 a.m.—The police realized that Pitt sophomore Annie Arnold‟s black forehead was

8:34 a.m.—The police headed to church, so that they could begin to understand this “Christian” stuff that had been causing the whole kerfuffle over the week. No progress was made in the study, due mainly to there not being church on Thursday morning.

Lack of cancellation at Pitt encourages study; leaves students and faculty in a tizzy Snow, Page 1

salt on Monday, all of the snow had already melted on the sidewalk. “We just didn‟t have the time to shovel the snow since it melted so quickly,” said Facilities Management worker Flynn Neilsen. Due to massive student complaints, Pitt officials have decided to look into how other universities have handled any kind of snowfall in the past five years. Case studies included a diverse range of colleges ranging from the University of Buffalo to the University of Miami. Preliminary results of the study have shown that students at the University of Buffalo would not have even noticed a

snowfall unless it was impossible for them to open their doors. It would then take another foot of snow in order to hope for any kind of cancelation. However, such conditions at the University of Miami would have left the college crippled until hurricane season. These results have left Pitt officials baffled and Pitt students enraged. “I am just baffled at these results,” a Pitt official said. “I am just enraged at these results,” a student said. Many students felt that the study had been a failure from the beginning, and that even further studies will not

merit any desirable results. “Considering that Pitt isn‟t in either of these cities, I think this was just another excuse to waste my money,” said student Charles Foster. “I just want my classes canceled so I don‟t have to skip them every day,” said Claire Best, “Is a snow day really so much to ask for?” Pitt has not canceled classes due to weather in over two years, which proves that administrators do indeed have the power to cancel classes when they desire. However, like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot, no one knows for sure when, if ever, it will be seen again.

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Caitlin Kempf

Becky Kerner John Mooney Brigid Mulholland

Greg Norcie Phil Papa Diana Ren

Julie Rozen Matt Russak David Smeresky

Eileen Tong Kevin Wielgus Evelyn Yarzebinski

Wanna talk about it? E-mail us at [email protected] . Shhhh...we’re here for you.

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‘pinions SEPPOKU: So hard, you’ll want to kill yourself!

Honest Advice from Jack Aze

Whorish ways technically might not be whorish Dear Jack Aze, I was recently hit on by a taken woman while out to dinner with friends. Of late the womenfolk haven't been treating me very nicely my last two relationships did not last very long and I have been feeling kind of worthless lately. In short I'm desperately desperate, how much of a terrible whorish person am I if i pursue this taken woman? Sincerely, Mike Rotch Dear Rotch

Enjoy this Sudoku in whatever lecture class you‟re sitting through! I guess that we could have used this space to tell about the semiimportant, national headline about $500 million being misappropriated from Pitt and CMU that was discovered on Wednesday afternoon, but nobody really cares about CMU. And especially not Pitt. Better to put in games.

Dr. Hahn’s Health Advice

Fat chick not ready for Spring Break Dear Dr. Hahn, I’m 5’3’’ and weigh 220 lbs. I think I’m a little overweight and I have a gut feeling that it’s not healthy. The thing is, I’m going to Miami for Spring Break and want to look super hot in a bikini. Do you have any dieting advice for someone like me? --Hefty in Holland

don‟t need to—I‟m a bright enough Doctor to know exactly what it was about. See, calories make you fat. And a calorie is a unit of heat. And ice cream is cold. So if you eat enough ice cream, you‟ll freeze up all those calories that make up fat. It‟s pittifully Scientifical common sense! My advice to you would be to eat nothing but very cold Dear Hefty, ice cream from now on and you Either your gut is right and should be itty-bitty-teenybeing overweight truly is not weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini healthy, or you‟re hungry. Hun- ready in no time! Good luck! ger pangs can sometimes be mis—Dr. Kiva Hahn, interpreted as “gut feelings” for UPMC* Student Health Services a certain topics. But I digress. I *Untrained Painfully Mistaken Consultants think I might have found the Please, Write a letter to Dr. Kiva perfect diet for you! Hahn for impractical heath adWhen browsing diets on the trustworthy Interweb one day, I vice! [email protected] came across a listing of a book titled The Ice Cream Diet. I didn‟t actually read this book, but I

Geez, not one of these again. It seems like all I ever get are emails that say things like, "Dur. Jack Aze, can you help me with women/men/ transsexuals? Dur." Don't any of you people need help on Algebra homework or something? No? Oh well. Anyway, Rotch, I couldn't help but notice a small discrepancy in your letter. You complain that your short relationships have made you feeling worthless. Yet you claim your name is "Mike" which means you are therefore a man. But if you really were a man then you would not care how long your relationships lasted as long as you got any sort of action. I am therefore left to assume that you are either a woman or just a sad man that no woman wants to touch. Since disguising your gender makes no sense whatsoever, I will guess you are the latter. You're probably wondering what the hell any of this means, yes? Here's my point: You can't be a whore if no one is willing to touch you. Being a whore by yourself doesn't count as being a whore, it just makes you sad (and supposedly gives you bad eyesight). My advice regarding the taken woman is to make it short and sweet so that you at least have better things to do than writing to me. —Jack Aze Got a problem? Tell your friends. Got unsympathetic friends? Tell Jack Aze.

[email protected]

He might not provide the answers you want, but he will provide the ones you need.

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“H8 Ur Computer” meets criticism and severe opposition

computer, but after you‟re done beating it, you realize that it‟s gone and you‟re never getting it back. Maybe that‟s why my last girlfriend left me.” Some organizations, such as the Grammar Club and Religion Twisters, oppose the institution of “H8 Ur Computer” Week. “It encourages bad grammar and spelling,” said Jane Bronte, head of the Pitt

Grammar Club. “„H8‟ is not a suitable replacement for Hate, and „Ur‟ is not a valid substitute for “your”. Whoever came up with the name of this heinous organization is quite clearly a noob.” “Encouraging the destruction of computers defies the Bible,” said Richard Silverstein, a member of Religion Twisters. “God said „Thou shalt not h8 ur computer.‟ Or at least he would

have, if they‟d had computers then. But the Ten Commandments aren‟t set in stone.” Gates is used to the criticism. “I know that my efforts are not exactly the most moral things ever,” he said. “But I think that the ends justify the means. And the ends are a much happier, more peaceful, and all around better campus.”

“H8 Ur Computer” will continue next year, although due to budget cuts, students are encouraged to bring their own baseball bats. Every student who went to “H8 Ur Computer Week” this year received OCC credit and a lollipop.

These suspicious individuals were believed to be KKK members. Turns out they were just choir members. Still suspicious. Very suspicious.

Note from the Editor’s Desk Greetings to all you readers of “The Pittiful News”! First off, a definite thanks for reading this publication. If everyone just said “I hate fun” and threw this away, well, not only would it be a miserable world, but the trash cans would be full of wasted paper. Now, I am writing to all of you to ask for your help in keeping us alive. Our previous plans for getting funding were recently jeopardized. So, we are putting out a plea for help. It’s very simple. All that we need is people who are willing to print up copies of this paper for our distribution. All that you need is some time and a few extra sheets of paper on your printing quota (like, 100 or so). All you have to do is e-mail us ([email protected]) and let us know that you can contribute. Then, we’ll e-mail you the copy of the paper. Just find some time on Friday to get down to a computer lab, draw up the file, click print, and VOILA, you’ve made yourself into a hero! Again, it really requires nothing but some time and some of that paper that you’re not using anyway. As usual, also, we’re open for your writings, pictures, cartoons, anything. E-mail us, come to the meetings (Wednesdays at 8:00 at Bouquet Gardens D, call 412-735-1040), or talk to any member you know...or don’t know, but you facebook-stalked them to see what they look like. Just leave that last detail out. Keep reading, have a good spring break, live long and prosper, don’t run with your spear, etc. —Jake Swanson (Editor-in-Chief)