The Pittiful News

Volume 1 Number 3

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

January 26-30, 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”

Cathedral to open third-world nationality rooms By: Julie Rozen Staff Writer University officials have announced the creation of three new nationality rooms in the Third World Nationality Room Project. Timor-Leste, Senegal, and Tunisia will be represented in these rooms. Many students were surprised to learn that these three countries are third world countries. “We decided to do something a little different with

the nationality rooms this year,” Ed Kation, a spokesperson for the university who conceived the idea, said. “I think students have had enough of all these fancy castles, ancient temples, and ornate classrooms. It‟s time to modernize, and I think the Third World Nationality Room Project will do that.” The Timor-Leste room, also known as the East Timor room, will be based on a traditional hut.

Palms and grasses will line the interior and corn will be stored in the rafters. The room will not be ventilated to preserve authenticity. The floor will be covered in dirt, and a welcome mat will be kept just outside the door, so students will not track the filthy third-world dirt into the first-world nationality rooms. The Senegal room will be lined with wood and also have a dirt floor. There will be garbage on the

floor, and the room will never be cleaned to enhance the experience as time progresses. The Tunisia room is designed to simulate the outside desert environment. Students will sit on miniature sand dunes, and the professor can use the largest dune as a lecture podium. A live camel will be kept in the room for dramatic effect. A skeleton of a “krayt dragon” will be buried in the dunes as a tribute to the Star Wars Poor People, Page 2

Students Rush in order to get more drunk, more often

Freshmen Rush for beer and acceptance Rush, Page 1

By: Rachel Harris Staff Writer It‟s that time of the semester again. The posters are up, the tablers in Towers are out in full force, and Greek letters of all permutations plaster nearly every available surface. Spring Rush has arrived. Over the course of several weeks, students looking to join a fraternity can attend numerous icebreakers, information sessions, and other social events, during which Rush, Page 1

Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photographer

There are confusing signs like this all throughout Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, we felt that this material was not enough to base a whole article on, and so we stuck with only having this picture. Enjoy it though. It‟s quite amusing. It could also tie into the articles. Somehow. If you come up with anything, e-mail us at [email protected] Then again, we don‟t always have to tie pictures into the stories. Real newspapers do that all the time. Put in pictures just to take up space. And we‟re a real, professional newspaper, goddammit.

they can get to know other members of the frat. Towards the end of rush, these events become invite-only for only the most worthy of prospects. Among these select few are the students who will eventually pledge to the fraternity. At first glance, it appears that students from across the spectrum of majors, interests, and backgrounds have the opportunity to join a fraternity that most closely matches their values. AfRush, Page 2

The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected] 2 CORRECTIONS Greek society there for PARTAYZdvnjsdfkj!!!1

In the Jan. 23rd issue, the Police Blotter incorrectly reported the time at which a couch was burned as happening at 4:07 am. The incident actually happened at 4:06 am. Furthermore, the article “Live dinosaur terrorizes campus” had a major error. The word “maybe” in Mike Broden‟s comment featured a lowercase „m‟, despite the fact that it started off a sentence. The Pittiful News regrets this error and assures its readers that we hope that further incidents will not happen.

Police Blotter

Rush, Page 2

ter much investigation, however, it becomes clear that all freshmen vying for acceptance into frats share one common trait: the desire to get crunked. “I used to only be able to party on the weekends, but, once I join a frat, I can get wasted on school nights, too,” said freshman Steve Norton. This sentiment is not Norton‟s alone. Several others, in fact, shared similar thoughts on their desires to become a member of a fraternity.

Info gathered by Jess Edelstein

Monday, January 26 11:57 p.m. -- That man in South Oakland still hasn't actually done anything, but officers keep reporting him as "looking suspicious".

Pittiful News Meeting Times Wednesdays 8-9, Bouquet Gardens D Thursdays 8:45-?, Room 304 Cathedral of Learning

Distribution Times Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6 Towers Lobby Saturdays, 9pm-2am Nordy’s Place, WPU Or download it and previous issues @ www.pittifulnews.webs.com

“Yo, like, in a frat, include philanthropy, there‟s, like, always brotherhood, and getbooze, y‟know?" said ting sh*tfaced,” he freshman Michael said. Grey, anIn fact, the other Greek only person in Once I join a hopeful. frat, I can get disagreement “So, yeah. wasted on school was Matthew I‟m going Zins, a memnights too. for it. Beber of the -Steve Gamma sides, the Norton Gamma UpsiRush has free food lon fraternity. and stuff. Like beer.” “It upsets me when Spokesman for the all frat boys want to do Beta Alpha Delta fra- is get plastered,” he ternity Ben Adams said. “They just don‟t confirmed the role of realize that there are fraternities on Pitt‟s much more important campus. things in life, like “The three main ten- smoking pot and scorets of our fraternity ing loads of chicks.”

New nationality rooms a sign of culture Poor People, Page 1

movies that were filmed in Tunisia. Absolutely no food or water will be allowed in the room. “I felt that these designs would really grasp the idea of those countries,” said Xena Foban, chief designer of the new rooms. “If students appreciate the art of the project, then myself and the rest of the institution will be there to take the praise. If they hate the room, though, then at least every class in that room will remind students how good they have it to live in America.” Woody Wilson, a history professor at the

university, agrees with Foban. “Kids these days are so ungrateful,” he said, “Back in my day we were aware of all these unpleasant situations, but half of my students think that everyone in those countries lives in a place like our nationality rooms.” Some Pitt students, however, do not agree with this logic. “I don‟t want to be sad when I go into the cathedral,” said freshman Ivy Porre, “Aren‟t homework and tests depressing enough?” Bob Morris, a sophomore in the School of Engineering, had a few

different ideas for the new rooms. “I didn‟t know we could make nationality rooms for made up places,” he said. “We should totally make one for Atlantis. How cool would it be to wear a bathing suit to class?” The project is set to begin February 2, but will most likely be delayed until April 13. It will be completed by the year 2023 or until the limestone of the cathedral completely erodes away, whichever comes first.

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opiums It’s Pronounced “Bitch”

Rape is inexcusable At least gas station attendants don‟t get Columnist raped. Many students are Unfortunately, rape, excited when they iniespecially homosexualtially start college. It is roommate-rape (HRR), a chance to be away is a common occurrence from family and gain on many university independence. Not only campuses across the that, they get to live on globe. My apartment is their own with a ranno exception. In fact, it dom roommate who has even been nickmore often than not be- named “The Rape Cencomes a very close ter” due in part to the friend. However, more HRR that takes place and more college stuhere. One roommate in dents these days wish particular, the largest that they had skipped male, has taken to bruout on higher-education tally sodomizing his altogether and become smaller, defenseless gas station attendants. apartment mate. How-

By: Rebecca Kerner

FAG-F.A.Q.: Gay Advice from a Gay Guy

ever, his thirst cannot be satisfied by just one victim; many unsuspecting friends have fallen prey. I‟ve even heard it suggested that a certain body part be inserted into the open mouth of a male friend who had unwittingly fallen asleep on the couch. While I only know for sure of the events that take place in my own apartment, I am certain that occurrences such as these are not uncommon. In fact, while 69.73% of statistics are made up on the spot, 85.2 out of every 100

By: Valerie Valentine

I sat down on Wednesday with my anonymous informer, walking the two blocks off campus to Caribou Coffee where my undergraduate correspondent greeted me. He looked furtively around before waving me over. “It‟s been the case as far as I can remember,” he muttered. “I just find that good looks are sexy.” Apparently, this is no rare phenomenon. I spoke with Dr. Floyd Ferris of the State Science Institute for a better perspective. Ferris is not only an Rape, Page 4 expert on science, but also has undergone adolescence, and so was a primary source for information on male attraction. “Studies show that, other things equal, the average job pays (i.e. how many American male overwhelmingly “clients” you can take nightly), you must always prefers a partner that he rates be on the lookout for that as „beautiful‟ over one that he great new sweater, those rates as „dog-ugly‟,” he exform-fitting jeans, that hat plained. that adds the perfect touch Some, however, contest these of Gay to any outfit. findings. “How does a man know that BUT WON’T THAT MEAN the uglier girl isn‟t actually betI WON’T BE ABLE TO ter looking?” said a graduate PAY FOR FOOD? Well, honey, do you want student in the Department of Sociology who asked to remain to look good or do you want to eat? Come on, anonymous. “There is no proof now. that sexual attraction to hot women is common, or, more relevantly, acceptable.” My contact would seem to Have any burning (or should agree. I say flaming?) questions? “I just can‟t seem to help myFeel free to email me at pittiself,” he concluded.

The signs of gayness revealed

cost you a pretty penny, but it‟s guaranteed to both THAT BOY/GIRL OVER be functional AND incrediTHERE IS REALLY CUTE. bly stylish! That‟s nice. For those of you on a budget, I would recomTHAT BOY/GIRL OVER mend places such as ExTHERE IS REALLY CUTE. press, American Apparel, HOW DO I TELL IF or (dare I say it?) AberTHEY’RE GAY? crombie and Fitch. If you‟re unsure, you They‟re slightly less fashprobably have a secondionable, a little less reliable, hand gaydar, either passed but generally more afforddown to you from a gay able. relative (every family has one) or picked up at a thrift HOW MUCH SHOULD I shop (hipsters beware). SPEND ON CLOTHES? What you need to do is Well, this depends. Do go out to a really nice place you want to look nice? (I‟m talking Dior, Louis Then be ready to have a Vuitton, or Armani Exbank account that never change here) and pick up a goes above double digits. first-rate „dar. Sure, it‟ll No matter how much your [email protected]!

By: Sia Layda

Student admits to finding beautiful women attractive

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“Wanted” is a classic, smart, intelligent flick for the ages

“Wanted” is about a young man finding himself Movie Critic by killing people as effiThis is your beloved ciently as possible for a movie reviewer, Dave, fraternity of assassins that giving you the scoop on use a giant loom to figure the best movies of the out who to kill and who year. not to kill. I know what “Wanted” was one of you’re thinking; yes, it is a the best movies of 2008, a little bit sappy with the summer-hit and an Oscar whole “I find myself” nominee*. And to me, as a thing, but the movie makes critic, it is on par with up for it with the incredisuch movies as ble acting and dialogue. “Casablanca” and I mean, when Morgan “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” Freeman says “Shoot this becoming an instant clas- mother (Explitive).” I felt sic in my book. like the character was really speaking to me.

By: David Smersky

With its attention to detail, including the physics of the movie and the types of guns used in it, “Wanted” set itself up as an actually smart action movie, not seen since Roland Emmerich’s “The Day After Tomorrow”. The idea of bending bullets is incredibly innovative and I wouldn’t be surprised if “Wanted” became a mandatory movie for all soldiers. With the right training I believe we could have just as good super soldiers as the characters in “Wanted.”

HEALTH ADVICE from Dr. Kiva Hahn of UPMC* Student Health Services Dear Dr. Hahn, I stood outside in the cold for so long the other day that I think I have frostbite on my hands. This never happened to me back home in Florida! What should I do? --Frozen on Forbes Dear Frozen, I don’t understand why you were waiting outside for that long in the first place. Why you didn’t just hop on a shuttle and head straight for your dorm or toasty warm café is beyond me. But my advice? Leave Pittsburgh immediately and transfer to the University of Miami if you hate the cold so much. You’ll be closer to home and, the warmth of the Miami sun will heal your chilly fingers. In the meantime, I suggest investing in a pair of mittengloves (Rue 21 has some nice, inexpensive ones), and visiting Student Health for OCC credit, if not some Neosporin. Best of luck! —Dr. Kiva Hahn, UPMC* Student Health Services *Untrained Painfully Mistaken Consultants‟

PitTiful News staff Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Rebecca Kerner John Mooney Phil Papa Diana Ren

Julie Rozen Matt Russak David Smersky Eileen Tong Evelyn Yarzebinski

Got a question? Want to get your thoughts out? Just feel like procrastinating? E-mail us at [email protected]

Altogether, I give this movie 5 out of 5 walri. (That’s the plural for walruses). *Best Achievement in Sound Editing, Best Achievement in Sound

Rape blows Rape, Page 3

male college students surveyed reported being the victim of HRR while a surprising 41% suggested that such an occurrence would bother them. My major concern regarding rape is not that it is completely and totally immoral and despicable (not to mention unhygienic). On the contrary, I feel that rape is wrong because, clearly, “cruel and unusual punishment” has been unconstitutional for centuries! Not that it has to do with anything I am currently talking about. Nor is it relevant since neither college students, nor prisoners for that matter, are raped as an official form of punishment. But unfortunately my parents never taught me ethics, and I am not properly socialized, so this factbased document must guide me. Oh wait, newsflash, this just in folks, turns out everyone with half a brain just knows that rape is wrong. It just is. Guess this article is pretty useless after all. But at least I got my column in.