The Pittiful News

October

Established in 1509, catapulted into space, and then returned to Earth...five hundred years later!

The Pittiful News The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the

University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 6

“We’re not pitiful, the news is.” Dining Dollars Soar in Morning Trading By: Lewis Lehe Staff Writer

Markets across the globe smiled on the Dining Dollar (Symbol: $D) this morning, as the oft-maligned currency climbed to record highs against the dollar, yuan, euro, Brazilian real, and the meal block. "This is all about three things: cereal, cereal and...what now?...cereal, motherf***ers!" said Bellingham Benetton III, 31, of Goldman Sachs, who had made heavy bets on the Dining Dollars since Wednesday. Benetton clarified: "Me and my ilk are making big fat stacks of filthy money! Woo hoo! We're gonna get some whores." Rachel Harris/Editor The gains began when, in Religious debates sprang up over campus in regards to this note. overnight trading, the price of Apple Jacks, Wheaties, and Lucky Charms dropped 25% at Other analysts are skeptical chines even if you don't have Eddy's, effectively reversing that the trend has legs for the any change," said Pitt sophothe week-long retreat from the long run. more Steve Norton. "And I dining dollar "Let's face it, there heard they're going to get these that began no reason for the new types of Bear Claws with “There is no reason isfreaking when Red dining dol- strawberry frosting, so I'm goBull 4-packs for the freaking din- lar to exist," said ing long on Dining Dollars." reached new ing dollar to exist.” Peter Xiong, a Since the rally, the SEC is heights on sophomore from investigating the run on Dining -Peter Eerie. "You can still Dollars, ever since an investigaMonday. Once the buy things with real tion into the snackroom of acWall Street dollars at dining counting giant KPMG revealed Journal made the announce- halls, and you don't get a dis- glaring inconsistencies between ment, dorm residents rushed to count for using Dining Dollars. the taste of Apple Jacks and convert their dollars to dining The whole thing exists because the taste of apples. dollars to buy the tasty cereals people's parents don't believe with the swipe of a card. Tow- that there could be such a comHappy with our coverage on the ers lobby soon took on the bed- plicated system with no pur- Dining Dollar situation, or are lam quality that most students pose, so they buy a bunch of you still confused over why Dinonly recognized from the end of useless Dining Dollars just in ing Dollars and Meal Passes Eddie Murphy and Dan Ak- case." have to be separate entities? royd's Trading Places, the part Still, the future‟s market for Let us know at: when something confusing hap- dining dollars is sending robust [email protected] pens that involves oranges and signals for the long-term. money. "With dining dollars, you can get stuff from vending ma-

Xiong

2009

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Gay columnist returns from fraud vacation By: Sia Layda Editor-in-Chief

As you probably noticed, I didn't have a column appearing in last week's edition. That's because, at that time, I was sitting in a jail in London. What, you say? I thought you won the lottery, you say? So did I. Apparently, I fell victim to something called "Spam." Apparently the company that produces that meat-based product now finds it funny to play jokes on drag queens, making us think we've won a whole bunch of Pounds (and yes, I found out that that IS what they call money in England). And then I found out they can arrest you when you buy a whole bunch of merchandise by using a bank card set up with that money that actually doesn't exist. Who knew? Anyway, on to a reader-sent email. Dear Sia, In a heterosexual relationship, a guy usually proposes marriage to a girl after some time. With gays, how do you decide which guy proposes? Do they have to ask simultaneously? Do lesbians just not propose? Thanks, Very Bi-curious Dear Probably-Gay-YetUsing-Bi-Curiosity-To-Stay-In Gay, Page 2

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The Pittiful News—[email protected]

Cooking is easy with marshmallows and a microwave By: Caitlin Kempf Staff Writer

A cooking column in a satirical newspaper? Seriously? I know you‟re probably skeptical about recipes you‟d find in a paper that likes to talk about dinosaurs taking over campus, but hear me out. How many meals a week do you spend at Market Central, waiting in line for some weird dish that you can only eat if you drown it in ketchup first? How many dining dollars have you wasted on the ridiculously overpriced foods at Quick Zone? Did you eat at McDonalds more than six times this week? Your culinary skills are probably subpar, and your kitchen probably consists of a microwave sitting on top of a mini-fridge, but that doesn‟t

mean you have to be stuck under the imperial rule of Sodexho. Take a trip to IGA and show them you don‟t need a meal plan to eat stuff. Microwave Desserts Swiping cookies from the dining hall is overrated. Impress your girlfriend or make your roommates jealous by making your own desserts. Here are five things you didn‟t know you could make in the microwave. They only take a few ingredients and a microwave. 1. Rice Crispy Treats Nuke the butter in a big bowl until melted. Add the marshmallows and microwave for a few more seconds. Stir until smooth, and then add in the

cereal. Lucky Charms treats are my favorite. 2. S‟mores Save out a few marshmallows (Peeps work well, too), grab a box of graham crackers, and raid your roommate‟s chocolate stash. Put the chocolate on the graham cracker, put a marshmallow on top of it, and nuke for no more than 15 or 20 seconds. Throw another cracker on top and pretend you‟re camping. 3. Cookies and Cake Little known fact: you don‟t need an oven to bake cookies. Get a tube of cookie dough or a “just add water” mix and nuke one or two cookies at a time. Or just eat the dough. Cake works in the microwave, too. You don‟t really need to add oil and eggs; just mix 1/3 cup of cake mix with ¼ cup milk or

water in a mug. Nuke for two minutes. Marvel in your own awesomeness. 4. Jello and Pudding You can boil water in the microwave, so you can make Jello. Cook and Serve pudding is also great, or you can cheat and use instant: just dump in a Ziploc with a pint of milk and shake until ready. 5. Fudge Oh yes! Melt 12 oz. chocolate chips and 1 ½ cups peanut butter, stir, and spread in a pan or Tupperware. Chill. Be amazed. You can find other recipes for fudge online. If you have any questions or recipes you’d like to share, email Caitlin Kempf at [email protected].

Gay proposals depend on butchness and housing location

Pittiful Police Blotter Wednesday, October 7 7:24 a.m.—Non-affiliate Noah Jenkins was apprehended by police after stealing 50 containers of Country Time Instant Pink Lemonade from the IGA on Forbes. Jenkins managed to toss all the drink mix into the fountain in front of the Cathedral of Learning before he was taken into police custody.

Thursday, October 8 12:46 p.m.—Pitt junior Frank Arouet called the police after allegedly „being beaten, forced to commit murder, and having [his] girlfriend turned ugly.‟ Arouet was merely an unsuspecting participant of UPTV‟s latest show, “Candide Camera.”

Gay, Page 1

-The-Closet, In the numerous marriage proposals I've received, it always seems to me that the more butch/manly is the one who buys the ring. Or, it's the old rich guy you've been screwing so that he buys you pretty things. Either way. Also, it usually has something to do with a factor I like to call "Which one has a vacation/ second home in Iowa, Vermont, Connecticut, or Massachusetts." As far as I know, lesbians do not propose because there is no need - once two lesbians begin a relationship, it lasts FOR LIFE. To my knowledge, there

has never been a lesbian relationship that ended due to anything other than the death of one (or both) partners. Somebody please tell me if I'm wrong here. What it all boils down to, VBc, is what feels right for you. I.e., when you or your partner has had enough to drink/smoke/inject/whatever, one or the other will usually produce a ring of some sort (whether it goes on the finger or...well, you know) and make a clumsy speech about how much they love the other. Makes me want to puke. Unless it's a diamond. Always say yes if it's a diamond. Hope this helps! Well,

bitches, looks like that's all I have to say for now. Tune in next week when I discuss...something, I'm sure. Love, Sia Got a question that you think might be gay, but you’re not really sure, so you don’t want to make any sudden moves? E-mail them to [email protected]

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Caitlin Kempf

Becky Kerner Lewis Lehe Brigid Mulholland

Greg Norcie Phil Papa Diana Ren

Julie Rozen Mike Ruane Matt Russak

Dave Smeresky Eileen Tong Emma Weimer

Come to our meetings: Wednesdays @ 6 PM, in Room 329 of the Cathedral. We’re just as cool in person as in print.