The Pittiful News

Volume 1 Number 8

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

March 16-20 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is” Special First Time Printing in 11” by 17”, So Give Us A Break Edition

“Spring Break Bandits” caught in the act of robbery By: Julie Rozen

land apartments during shoes,” the Playboy bunny Spring Break. The majority rationalizes, “Her door was, were locked due to the resi- like, open so I totally borFour local high school stu- dents’ vacations. rowed it. The iPod just dents and their dog success“Our Hallowwent with the purse Our Halloween so I just had to borfully caught the suspected een costumes costumes were row that too. I was “Spring Break Bandits” on were just too just too good to going to give them March 11th at 7:39 PM. good to wear The three suspects, who once,” the wear once. back after my were previously believed to “Naughty - “Naughty date.” be a Playboy bunny, a Nurse” said, Nurse” The Pitt Police estinaughty schoolgirl, and a “It’s just not fair mate less than $100 naughty nurse, were discov- that I can’t dress like this in stolen goods. The purse ered to be Pitt students in the other 200 days of the was a cheap imitation that their Halloween costumes. year!” contained only a few pieces The girls were reported to “This girl in one of my of clothing that were also have been seen attempting classes had this totally cute imitations. The iPod never to enter several South Oak- purse that goes with these actually left the room. Staff Writer

“We found the iPod on the bathroom sink and have sufficient evidence to believe that the girls set it down it order to reapply their makeup,” said Officer Howard Swift, a member of Pitt Police. “We’re just grateful that those kids stepped in before anything of real value was stolen.” The kids that Swift is referring too are a small gang from the local Hampton High School, who were going for a simple and seemingly pointless drive in South Oakland. Bandits, Page 3

Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photographer

Junior James Miller takes a nap...an illegal nap. With the restlessness after Spring Break, many students are taking part in pathetic and foulminded misdemeanors such as this. Careful James. The police can make you take an even longer nap. Much longer.

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The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected]

CORRECTIONS

In the Feb. 27th issue, Kiva Hahn’s advice to eat large amounts of ice cream was apparently incorrect. We are right now in the process of disciplining/firing/killing Dr. Hahn. Whichever is easier. But shhhh, don’t tell her. It’ll be much better when it’s a surprise. The Pittiful News regrets these errors and assures its readers that we hope that further incidents will not happen.

Pittiful News Meeting Times Wednesdays 8-9, Bouquet Gardens D Call 412-735-1040 for access

Distribution Times Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6 Towers Lobby Saturdays, 9pm-2am Nordy’s Place, WPU

Or download this and previous issues @ www.pittifulnews.webs.com

Lack of Linux found depressing By: Diana Ren

long celebration of computer destruction and degradation. Recent investigations “I had previously admithave brought to light a ted to having reservations hidden epidemic plaguing about the long-term social campus computing labs implications of [HYC] on from Posvar Hall to the the campus computer Cathedral of Learning. population,” said Dr. EdAccording to a shocking ward Thorndike, the facreport released by the stu- ulty advisor of UFCA and dent-run watchdog organi- a professor of biological zation Undergrads For science at Pitt. “What I Computer Amnesty had no idea of at the time (UFCA), Linux-enabled was precisely how devascomputers, a slim minority tating and pervasive of the computer popula[Linux-related depression] tion at the University, suf- is at this school. Had I fer astronomical rates of known, I would never have depression. allowed [HYC] to get off This release followed the ground.” closely on the heels of the The report, entitled "Rates recent Universityof Depression and Depressponsored event “H8 UR sion-Related Mortality in COMPUTER”, a weekUniversity of Pittsburgh Staff Writer

Student Computing Lab Computers", exposed a steadily worsening trend in the mental health of Linux computers in comparison to their peers running Windows and Mac operating systems. Sarah Levitt, a Pitt sophomore majoring in sociology and an author of the report, explained. "What we see here is not just a statistical abnormality; it is an absolutely damning indictment of the systematic discrimination these computers have suffered at the hands of a technologically illiterate society. In every computer lab on campus, we [at UFCA] see the same sobering story--Linux is available only on computers tucked away in the very Linux, Page 4

Pittiful Police Blotter Tuesday, March 3

Tuesday, March 10

Sunday, March 15

10:25 p.m.—Police arrested freshman Steve Norton for drunken misconduct.

8:00 a.m.—Police called up Steve Norton to see if he was free to go partying with them that night. Steve informed them that it was 4 in the morning where he lived. The police hung up.

9:00 a.m.—The police began a long and eager wait for all the Pitt students to return.

Friday, March 6 6:00 p.m.—Police saw students off for Spring Break. No casualties were reported.

Thursday, March 19

11:25 p.m.—The police arrested 137 students for a variety of crimes, including 7:39 p.m.—Police responded to a report of underage drinking, open container violathe “Spring Break Bandits” being caught. tion, disorderly conduct, murder, vandalThey were disappointed to find out that all ism, theft, resisting arrest, public urination, speeding, backtalk, lying, assault, the “fun stuff” had been taken care of by and one case of rape in Towers Lobby. All some random high schoolers. 7:41 p.m.—Police arrested the high school- students, while being arrested, were informed “we missed you.” ers for trespassing.

Wednesday, March 11

Sunday, March 8 4:03 p.m.—Police started to get a little bit lonely with everyone gone for Spring Break.

Monday, March 9 3:18 a.m.—Police arrested non-affiliate Mark Higgins because they were bored.

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Caitlin Kempf

Becky Kerner John Mooney Brigid Mulholland

Greg Norcie Phil Papa Diana Ren

Julie Rozen Matt Russak David Smeresky

Eileen Tong Kevin Wielgus Evelyn Yarzebinski

Wanna talk about it? E-mail us at [email protected] . Shhhh...we’re here for you.

The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— [email protected]

Watchmen makes viewer lose faith in society, and not in the good way By: Jake Swanson

It’s not that the movie is bad. No, in fact, the movie was pretty good. CinematogOver the holiday, I had raphy, good effects (besides the chance to see the Watch- Bubastis the cat), solid actmen movie. ing, it was all pretty much a And boy, can I say that I good film. was disappointed! My problem was with the adaptation of the comic. That was where I felt that the movie failed. Epicly. I mean, I read the comic not too long ago, but I have the right to call myself a true fan, as I read it before I even knew about the movie. Therefore, I am not one of you mere mortals who saw the trailer in front of The Dark Knight and thought “Maybe I’ll see why this graphic novel is so acclaimed.” No. You all suck. Go die. Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) would have The comic was amazing. I been perfect, if only he’d made his first kill had to reread it and recomthe same way that he did in the novel. But NOOOOOOOO they had to change EVERY- mend it to all of my friends Editor-in-Chief & “Watchmen” fan

THING!

after reading it. Some of them showed no interest in it…until the trailer came out. They’re not my friends anymore. But the movie just failed in translating the comic to screen. Just. Failed. It failed so much, that I’m struggling to come up with a reason as to how it failed. It’s that long a list of failures. Let’s start at the very beginning, that’s a very good place to start. The novel opens with the detectives examining the murder scene of Edward Blake, or rather it starts with several panels moving out from Mr. Blake’s bloody smiley-face pin that is lying on the street, stories below his apartment. The movie did a perfect job of recreating this moment. The shot was exactly how I pictured it. Except that it was-

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n’t at the very beginning! The beginning of the movie showed Blake’s actual murder, not the aftermath. As soon as the movie opened like that, I was spilling popcorn all over the theater floor. I asked the ushers afterwards to take pictures of the spilled snack, so that they could be mailed to Zach Snyder (the film’s director), to show him what suffering he has wrought with his film. I expect that he has gotten about a billion photos like that from fans just like me. Another problem I had was with the costumes. The costumes were totally different in the graphic novel. I mean, putting Ozymandias in a suit that has nipples on it? That’s not gay at all. I mean, I guess that there’s strong belief in the graphic Watchmen, Page 4

High-schoolers stop costumed baddies over Spring Break Bandits, Page 1

“I was just glad to help,” said Freddy Scoobert, the self-proclaimed leader of the gang, “We were lucky to be in the right place at the right time.” He admits that the group gets a sort of “rush” from driving around sketchy neighborhoods on almost empty tanks of gas. Their car just happened to run out of gas in front of the same house that the Spring Break Bandits were robbing at the time and decided to enter the building. “We went in the apartment for no reason at all,” said Daphne Hanna, an-

other of the high schoolers. was no easy task, no matter “I called the police when I how it sounds. noticed that they all had “It was scary and tough,” nicer legs than I do.” said Velma Barbera, another The group of the teens involved Rrrwoof. used various in the capture. -Meddle the items, including “They fought back a laundry basDog at first. I lost my ket, two pens, glasses during the and a piece of cheese, to fight, and I can’t see withcatch the thieves before po- out them. They almost had lice arrived. The teens chose us there.” not to disclose their exact It seems that the gang alplan. most did make it out, and “It was simple, really,” would have gotten away said Scoobert, “but I have a with it, if not for Meddle, patent pending for it.” Scoobert’s pet dog, who had The teens admit that been brought along for the bringing down the thieves ride.

“He stood his ground and tore off the schoolgirl’s clothes,” said Scoobert. “I’ve never been so proud of him.” Meddle was apparently ready and willing to help. “Rrrwoof,” he said. Despite their bravery, the teenagers are being charged with trespassing. No one really knows why they chose to enter the building at all. The teens themselves refuse to comment on their reasons. The fourth teenager could not be reached for comment.

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Linux-related depression an epidemic

Linux, Page 2

corner [of computer labs], bypassed by what are sometimes lengthy lines of students who choose instead to wait for a Windows or Mac computer to become available,” she said. As news of the report since its release on Tuesday swept the student body, ResNet rushed to issue a statement indicating that further investigation was necessary before it could confirm or deny the harrowing content and conclusion presented by UFCA. "That's bullsh*t,” said Levitt. “These guys are monsters." Concerned students have since organized a “Linux Luncheon” to raise awareness and money. The

event is scheduled for Wednesday, April 1st at the Chevron Science Center. Tickets are on sale through members of both the Pitt and CMU chapters of UFCA; students may also purchase a red hat to show their support of the cause. Thorndike also hinted at a possible end-of-the-year event, “Ubuntu Bash”. “Depending on the success of the luncheon,” he said, “we are really looking forward to organizing future Linux-themed events. It will be a chance for Linux users to kick up their heels and raise awareness for what might be the civil rights issue of the twenty-first century.”

Letter to the Editor Dear Pittiful News, I think your health columnist Dr. Kiva Han is a fraud. She told me to eat nothing but ice cream to lose weight! I realized her fraudulence after the first three days on The Ice Cream Diet when I realized that I was not losing weight, but instead gaining it rather quickly AND my brain hurt from all the brain freeze the ice cream caused. Then I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the diet book she referred to, and it said nothing about cold ice cream burning calories! It was some mumbo jumbo about the calcium in ice cream being good for you in MODERATION! WTF!? I say you fire the bitch who ruined my spring break (I couldn’t wear a bikini at the beach!) to put an end to her fraudulent ways. I bet she isn’t even a real doctor. Fraudfraudbitchbitchfraudbitchfraud Sincerely,

Forever Fat From Fraud

Moojer Moolfunction by: Moorachel Mooharris

“Watchmen” is unexpectedly not as good as comics Watchmen, Page 3

novel that he is gay…but he didn’t make it that obvious. Besides that, Silk Spectre had a totally different suit, Dr. Manhattan is not that well hung, and Rorschach’s trousers were totally the wrong color. Yeah, they failed on bringing the true color and feel to life on screen. Finally, the film was a very dumbed down version. Tons of action scenes were lengthened, and the sex scene was too long as well. 30 minutes of action in a 2 hour, 45 minute movie that is supposed to be pure thought? I’m gonna go with No for $200, Alex. In the end, I think that they should have gone with the original idea for a script that was submitted. It apparently involved all the characters, like Rorschach and Silk Spectre, getting sucked through some dimensional vortex that leads to our world, the real world. There, apparently, some kid would have been reading the graphic novel and recognized the gang. Then the police would try to arrest them, and the movie would end. It might have not been as faithful an adaptation, but at least then Snyder wouldn’t have been getting my hopes up for a perfect adaptation. But he did, and so it failed. Thus, if I really want to see an Alan Moore comicadaptation, I will go and watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Much better than this Watchmen crap.