The Muddler - October 2009

[email protected] www.pdfcoke.com/TheMuddler

Volume Three, Issue 3 October 2009

IFC Kicks SMU Admins Off Campus David Letterman admits to sleeping with employees. Claims he would have slept with more, but Paul Shaeffer kept interupting all his dates. SMU installs Kindles to elliptical machines in Dedman to provide sorority girls with more up-to-date celebrity gossip. Real mustang brought in as mascot after Peruna found dead from auto-erotic asphyxiation. Lambdi Chis on double secret probation following Watermelon Bash/Liza Minnelli Retrospective run afowl. Kanye West comments on the Olympics: “Yo Rio, Ima let you finish plannin’ the 2016 Olympics, but I just wanna tell ya the Chicago World’s Fair was the greatest world event of all time, of all time!” Variety reports Barack Obama is slated to direct biopic about himself upon leaving office. He is rumored to already be nominated for an Academy Award. Attention all creative writers: The Muddler is looking for lampooners and editors of all kinds. If you are interested, please alert us through e-mail at ‘themuddler. [email protected]’.

The Muddler

SMU-- In a stunning decision for the first time like everyone reached just after midnight, the else. Wait, did you say I was the Interfraternity Council (IFC) voted Chairman of the Interfraternity Council? Wow, today has been to remove the SMU administrarather informative.” tion from campus. The decision While the decision is final to rewas reached after SMU properly move the SMU registered an administration on-campus from campus party that no for three years, one went to, some matters because it was still need to be “super gay, sorted out. bro.” Rumor has it The adminthat Meadows istration must Don’t mess with the ultra-powerful IFC. will be torn down move out by and turned into a water park, but Friday at the latest before their instead of water, it will be filled offices are locked up. with Keystone Light. One conWhen President Turner was reached for comment, he replied, firmed change to the university “While the decision saddens me, I is that Dallas Hall will be transsee no point in fighting it because formed into a Roman Coliseum where professors must battle to well over two-thirds of the memthe death with a lion in order to bers of the Board of Trustees are achieve tenure. alums of one of the fraternties Other changes to be instituted present on campus and they’re include freshman being paddled backing the decision. I am, howat Mustang Corral, newly reinstatever, suing for joint custody of ed KAs will host weekly screenthe fountains. On this issue I will ings of Birth of a Nation on main not go quietly into the night.” quad, and in Dedman, grunting IFC President Joe Snyder tells and sleeveless shirts will be rethe Muddler, “I literally don’t remember the last week, so I’m in quired while weightlifting. Listening to Fall Out Boy is optional. the same boat of hearing all this

1

Dear Christian,

-Cougar Catcher

I met the most amazing guy. I was excited about finally meeting a man who could be “the one.” And then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me he has herpes. He left voicemails asking if we can go out on another date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn’t date someone with an STD. My male friends support me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it wrong of me not to date someone because of his STD status?

CC,

-Herpes Hating Hag

Nice initials. I date women of all ages: high schoolers, co-eds, MILFS, etc. But I have a certain affection for the older ladies. Like a good bottle of wine, the older the better. In fact, I believe women peak in their sexuality around age 84. When the teeth come out, so does their wild side. During the Great Depression, the best birth control was learning to give a great blow job. And that is why they are the greatest generation.

HHH,

Enjoy thinking about that,

Best of luck with the virus volcanoes,

Christian Cornwallis

Christian Cornwallis

Dear Christian, My girlfriend is ten years older than me. Is that a problem?

I can’t seem to figure out why your male friends don’t want some herped out dude hitting it. Oh wait, that’s because when they get you drunk and try to bag you they don’t want to catch a case of the gift that keeps on giving. As for your prejudice against this leaky dream boat; if he’s “the one” then you’ll get those lovely little sores soon enough.

Dayly Campus Circulation Skyrockets as Economy Worsens SMU— As the economy continues to flounder, one business on campus is booming. SMU’s funniest newspaper, The Dayly Campus, is flying off newsstands. Its editor-in-chief claims the reason was due to the rising quality of the paper. Evidence, however, indicates otherwise. Junior Lisa Raymond says that she started picking up Dayly Campuses just this September. When asked why, she said, “Well, September was like really rainy, and, like, I bought some amazingly cute rain boots at Neiman Marcus, and then I bought an awesome sorority rain jacket from McCartney’s, but I just didn’t have enough money to get this really precious umbrella that I saw in Burberry, so I now pick up a Dayly Campus wherever I see it to protect me from getting all wet in the rain.” Freshman Kyle Murray has become an avid fan of

2

the Dayly Campus too. He tells us, “Well, the other night in Umph was Mexican Night, and the day after I had serious digestion problems. All the McElvaney restrooms were out of toilet paper due to budget cuts, so I used the Dayly Campus. I especially liked using John Paul Green’s opinion column. It was asson-ass.” Other reasons listed by students for picking up the Dayly Campus included: using it to kill a spider, using it for scratch paper, using it to make a bed on your floor so your one night stand doesn’t sleep in your bed, using it to roast a pig if you’re that douche from Hawaii and as a drinking game where you take shots every time you find a typo. The last reason clearly explains why SMU has recently had so many alcohol related incidents.

The Muddler

Cracker Ass NBC Attempts To Be “More Colorful” ties pop-up out of nowhere,” as was declared by NEW YORK CITY— The notoriously white bread Jim Gladstone. National Broadcast Company (NBC) has recently NBC executives have recognized this problem launched a new marketing campaign for its fall seaand declared they are not backing down from their son with the slogan “More Colorful.” new initiative. “We don’t want to alienate any of The network of former mega-hit shows Seinfeld our long-time viewers,” declared NBC President and and Friends, whose main casts were entirely CauCEO Jeff Zucker, “but we recasian, has been accused ally have no choice. repeatedly of catering solely “We have spent untold to white audiences. But this millions on this initiative so year is different. far and to scrap it now would “With a black man being really piss off our investors. voted into the White House, There’s not as much money we have come to realize to go around as there used times have changed,” stated to be.” Jeff Gaspin, Chairman of NBC So, at least for this year, Universal Television Entermain cast minority charactainment. “Apparently, there ters on NBC shows are here So, no one at NBC thought this was offensive? is an audience out there for to stay. Gaspin assured NBC viewers, however, that minority characters. So, we have made sure all of no minorities would be playing the sole lead in a our new shows are chockfull of them. show. “Maybe in the future,” he declared, “but cer“That’s really the whole strategy behind the tainly not this year. We’re just not ready for that.” ‘More Colorful’ campaign: to show people that Good call Gaspin. America may be ready for a there are in fact minority characters in our television black man to run their country, but to have a black shows—and not all of them are criminals.” man as the sole lead in an NBC television show? No The new ad campaign, however, has not been God-fearing American is ready for that. received well by everyone. Many loyal NBC viewers have written in to complain about seeing “minori-

Point System: You Must Earn Your Debauchery SMU— The SMU Task Force, a ridiculously cooltitled group of four nerds, has recently instituted a point system wherein groups and fraternities must earn points before they are awarded Thursday night, alcohol permitted parties. “We wanted to take something terrible, like the death of an SMU student by drug use,” said Task Force chief nerd Howard Kowinski, “and turn it into a fun and absolutely futile game in which points are acquired in order to host parties to recruit and molest young men and women.” In the point system, 15 points must be earned before recruitment and molestation can occur on Thursday nights at alcohol-allowed bus parties. Groups can earn points by attending Mandatory Organization Meetings (5 points), having a 3.0 (3

October 2009

points), pretending to be interested in community service (3 points), scoring a field goal (3 points), toilet-papering the Beta House (2 points), and having your alumni on the SMU Board of Trustees (priceless). And while students have been frustrated by the new system, one group has been hurt more than any other: bus companies. “I used to live off of freshman stumbling on and off my bus,” said bus driver Freddie Jones. “My children are starving. Earn your points! My kids need shoes.” The fraternities, however, did not seem as bothered by the lack of buses. “It’s cheaper this way,” said a fraternity member who wished to remain anonymous. “We just let the drunk freshman drive to the parties now.”

3

Rap Lyric of the Month: See, niggas come by talkin’ ‘bout they make it rain I’ll make that bitch Katrina Song: “Alright” by Twista (feat. Kanye West)

Picture of student at the Mandatory Organization Meeting.

Celebrity Halloween Costumes =Barack Obama as Ahmadinejad. =Michael Vick as the kid from My Dog Skip. =Whoopi Goldberg as that tranny South African runner. =Jesus Christ as a homeless person. =Angelina Jolie as an underfed refugee. =Megan Fox as slutty/talentless Angelina Jolie-Pitt. =Maddox Jolie-Pitt as Aaden Gosselin. =Jon and Kate plus 8 as another statistic.

The Muddler Staff

John Benson Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Admiral Erikbar Dexter Fontanna Ryan Leech Greg Mandel and Molly Palmison as Worf son of Mogh

4

Musings from R. Gerald From: R. Gerald Turner To: Students As some of you know, SMU is not immune to tough economic times, which makes funding my extravagances that much harder. I would increase your tuitions again, but that may lead to some of you losing your BMWs and that would simply be bad for morale—and worse, for image. I was recently hit with a dilemma. I wanted to build a new fountain, this one with a statue of me, fully nude, with the head of a lion, water gushing from my roaring mouth. I also wanted to give a raise to June Jones, because, dagnabbit, a man can’t comfortably live off two million dollars a year. But the accounting department told me there just wasn’t enough money for both. I wept for hours. But then the answer came to me, as if God himself was speaking to me from on high. The answer is this: I will build a new, glorious, thirty foot tall fountain in front of Ford Stadium, and any loose change people throw in for good luck will be scooped up and given to June Jones. In conclusion, I thank God, Jesus, and me for this beautiful and practical decision.

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

The Muddler