The Muddler - November / December 2009

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2009 SMU Football Season goes surprisingly well. Students struggle to find acceptable excuses for the ritual halftime exodus. Between Glenn Beck crying and tea parties, the GOP is now considered the gayest political party . . . ever. Riots have broken out and the student center has been barricaded as many students failed to attain their “ideal” schedule for next semester. “I was supposed to have Friday off and no classes before eleven,” declared one angry student. “Now you all must die for this grave error of misfortune.” Tiger Woods embraces Asian roots, becomes horrible driver. Parents get extremely wasted during Parents Weekend festivities. President R. Gerald Turner institutes task force to prevent this from occurring in the future. ‘i heart yogurt’ opens. Sad, single women rejoice!

New Moon opens to record numbers. And who the fuck cares? If you are interested in writing for The Muddler or if you want to subscribe to the digital version of The Muddler, please alert us through e-mail at ‘[email protected]

The Muddler

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Volume Three, Issue 4 November / December 2009

The Muddler’s Grand Remonstrance Your opinion page is written SMU— The Dayly Campus, sworn enemy of the Muddler, continues almost exclusively by staff writers to hit new lows, failing to achieve for the Dayly Campus. Really!?! You claim your circulation even the paltry expectations of has remained steady during the its seemingly absentee faculty economic downturn despite no advisor. longer distributing papers on Headline typos continue to roll out, like “Bowl Fridays. And it being free. Really!?! Elibility,” which is bad news for those You don’t acDayly Campu knowledge the who know how to s existence of SMU’s read English and good news for fans cultural zeitgeist, The Muddler. Reof the Dayly Campus The M uddler drinking game (i.e., ally!?! Therefore, like take a drink at every our revolutionary typo). The editor of the forefathers before us, we air our grievDayly Campus has ances. We now call even has broken the for the resignation laws of physics by of the editor of making the sports section over 100% the Dayly Campus! [Editor’s note: The of the paper, a feat editor-in-chief of the Sports Illustrated Our Grievances Herewith Listed... Dayly Campus has has been trying to said she would step down at the accomplish for years. And finally, in its November 4th end of the semester. Nonethless, we at the Muddler would like to issue, the Dayly Campus ran an take credit for this, if it actually article in the Dayly Campus about occurs.] And until our demands the Dayly Campus with quotes from the editor of the Dayly Cam- are met, we call for a school wide pus, saying how great the Dayly boycott of the Dayly Campus, no Campus is. This brings us to a seg- exceptions. Except for the Sudoku. ment SNL’s Seth Meyers likes to And the crossword puzzle. call “Really!?!”

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Dear Christian, I’m looking for some solid advice from a dude wiser than myself. I’ll be rushing this spring with the hopes of joining a frat so I can build a bond with some other righteous dudes. My problem is that I’m worried about the heavy drinking and wildness that I will have to endure during pledgeship. What words of wisdom do you have? -Future Frat Fella FFF, This situation reminds me of the time I was handling a business agreement between the Prime Minister of South Korea, a defense contractor, and a young, hotshot investor. Details of the agreement aren’t available for discussion, but the tactics are. I walked in with a bottle of Dalmore 62 Single Highland Malt Scotch Whisky and let them know that we were all gentlemen and our business should be handled as such. And you should do the same. Walk in with a bottle of high-end scotch and let it

be understood that you will not find it necessary to drink as much Keystone as possible with your feet above your head, nor should you need to wonder whether or not another man’s ass will be your alarm clock at any point. They should respect a true gentleman . . . either that or you’ll be tarred and feathered. Best of luck, Christian Cornwallis ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Mr. Cornwallis, With the holidays approaching, I was wondering what special festival you partake in. -Holiday Hound HH, I respect all holidays. Christmas is a great celebration for me as the majority shareholder for Perzy Snow Globes Co., but I enjoy Hanukkah as well because my accountant Marty Goldensteinberg sends me lavish gifts for eight days straight. (For such a frugal culture they sure do stretch out the gift giving.) Every fourth year I also celebrate Kwanzaa to keep people from thinking I’m a racist. Yule-tidings, Christian Cornwallis

Frat Cheat Sheet: Handy Stereotypes To Prepare For Rush Keep this handy during Rush to avoid any confusing, frustrating, or sexually peculiar situations. Sig-Eps: The Balanced Men (after all, who else could balance Battlestar Gallectica screenings and accusations of sexual assault?) Fiji: Florida and SoCal men only. Of course, you could fool them if you just walk around with your shirt off as much as Matthew McConaughey. KA: Currently kicked off campus, but the South will rise again! Sigma Chi: The fraternity of David Letterman. They too have covered up many sexual indiscretions. Pike: Intramural champs a million years running. They like athletes, mostly because they can slap their asses without seeming too gay.

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Kappa Sig: Like fraternity brother and former Presidential nominee Bob Dole, they’ll never be better than second best at any contest. SAE: Rumors state they have an attic which is mattressed wall to wall. This is unverified since surprisingly no girl ever remembers going in there. (See right for artist rendering of SAE.) Phi Delt: Best known for their casino parties, wherein they destroy entire hotels. Lambda Chi: Nicknamed “Rammed-A-Guy” - which is unfair, since I’ve only heard of a couple dancing at gay strip clubs. Beta: After a long absence, this new fraternity is back with a higher GPA than ever before. Revenge of the nerds!

The Muddler

Disaster Strikes: Sorority Girl Runs Out of Event T-Shirts By: Sarah Miller

SMU— In what can only be described as a shocking example of poor timing, sophomore Melissa Johnson has run out of sorority event shirts. Scientists previously believed a disaster of this magnitude was impossible. They were wrong. Johnson tearfully revealed that even though it's only Wednesday night, all of her sorority t-shirts are dirty. “I don't, like, know how that happened!” she claimed. “I feel like I've lost my identity!” Johnson recounted aloud where all of her shirts went, hoping to remember one she had absentmindedly misplaced in the hopes she could put it on. “Well, I wore my ‘Cookies For The Cure’ shirt to breakfast on Monday. Later, when I went to the gym, I wore my ‘Bid Day 2009’ shirt. Afterwards, I wore my ‘Thank God I’m Greek’ shirt. Then, I wore my ‘Easter Weekend Girl's Night Out’ shirt to sleep in. “Tuesday I wore my jersey of course, but only after wearing my ‘Christmas Break Pen-Pal Club’ shirt to put on my makeup. . . .” [editor’s note: Johnson’s speech became largely unintelligible at this point due to the highly emotional state she was in.] “. . . night, I wore . . . shirt when I went to Pokey-Os after . . . taking a shower. . . . wore my ‘Haircuts For The Homeless’ shirt to sleep in. “Today, I wore my ‘It's All Greek To Me’ shirt to

Dedman and . . . had to change . . . ketchup on . . . .” She added in between sobs, “It was when I started planning my outfit for tomorrow that I realized I was in trouble.” Johnson's chief concerns surround Thursday's interactions with her Greek friends, all of whom will be wearing event t-shirts. “I mean, I can recognize my friends because I see their shirts. But they might not recognize me.” Johnson also added that she is also concerned about establishing her identity for the hundreds of strangers she interacts with every day, many of whom will otherwise never give her a second look. “I don't understand,” she sniffled. “I just don't understand how I could have three pairs of Nike shorts left but no event t-shirts. None. It just doesn't make sense.” Admittedly aware that her event shirts are neither flattering nor eye-catching, she says it's the “symbolicism” that matters. “I don't even know who I am anymore. This is, like, a midlife crisis. What will I wear to the gym?” she asked, reaching into her oversized purse for another Kleenex. “How will the Gamma Phis know I'm better than them?” Added Johnson, tears silently rolling down her cheeks, “I hope Mustang Laundry hurries up this week.”

SMU— Muddler investigators have recently uncovered a vast pyramid scheme on campus that has gone unnoticed by the faculty, administration, and unsuspecting students for years. The scheme specifically targets students and has been costing them thousands of dollars every year for little or no compensation. As is standard with pyramid schemes, the targets have been and are being heavily recruited into the enterprise. Once inside, students are forced to pay thousands of dollars in yearly “dues” to be involved. They are also forced to begin recruiting other students in order to keep the organization running and the scheme intact. Pyramid scheme expert Robert McGovski is

deeply disturbed by the growth of these organizations. “I’ve never seen a set-up this vast before. This has been going on for decades, and some of the organizations are now operating at a national level. “People are paying thousands and thousands of dollars, and then spending most of their time hustling new recruits to keep the ruse going.” Students should be wary of anyone approaching them on or around campus with promises of making important connections. Many have fallen victim to this seemingly innocent line, and it has cost them dearly. To better inform yourself against falling prey to this nefarious pyramid scheme, please visit ‘smugreeks.com’.

Warning: Pyramid Scheme Uncovered on Campus

November / December 2009

Rush Edition

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SMU Sexual Activity Reaches All-Time Low, Experts Discover By: Danny W.

SMU— A recent study commissioned by the Interfraternity Council (IFC) has discovered that SMU females are less likely to have sex with random partners than ever before. “What the fuck?!” declared Fiji representative Michael LaGrange, upon hearing the news. Others were less surprised by the result. “So that’s why I get rejected so much,” stated Beta President Justin Lewis. The researchers commissioned by the IFC discovered that the largely affluent and privileged female community at SMU no longer feels the need to gain the approval of males by performing sexual favors for them. “I am who I am,” claimed Lauren Cohen. “If some guy can’t appreciate me for that, then screw him; I’ll find someone else.” With these findings, the researchers concluded that this troubling trend might eliminate the need for allowing women admission to SMU at all. “These girls just won’t put out,” explains Dr. Haslow in his 402 page report, “and this new phenomenon is undermining the reason why they should be here at SMU in the first place.” This sentiment is certainly echoed by the IFC. “If the Gucci handbag-toting bimbo who I’ve been painstakingly chatting with all semester in Calc isn’t even gonna blow me this Thursday,” asked Sigma Chi Darren Moltisanti tearfully, “what’s the point?”

The Muddler Staff Dane Brannan Dr Thane Economou, PhD Admiral Erikbar Dexter Fontanna Ryan Leech Greg Mandel and Molly Palmison as Cdr. Will Riker

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Rap Lyric of the Month: “Girls are like buses / Miss one next fifteen one comin” Song: “Break Up” by Gucci Mane “Call anotha bizzy body, bring her in and work her out” Song: “Bizzy Body” by Paul Wall (feat. Webbie and Mouse) Translation for whiteys by confirmed black man Jon Killen: “There are plenty of fish in the sea!”

Hayden Defeats Obama for SMU Homecoming King Honor

SMU– The world is at an eerie calm. President Barack Obama failed to be awarded something. Considered a shoe-in, Barack Obama, who won a Grammy for reading his autobiography and a Nobel Peace Prize for his intentions to do some cool things, lost the SMU Homecoming King title to Rob Hayden. Obama had planned to personally accept the award between stops in New Orleans and Portland to accept a “Third Grader of the Month” award and “America’s Greenest City” prize respectively. “Rob Hayden, is a jackass!” declared President Obama in his usual calm staccato. “SMU, has no idea, who it is dealing with, here. I’m passing, health care, reform, just to screw over, your rich parents at this point.” Thorbjørn Jagland added to the condemnation. “SMU has committed a travesty on the world,” claimed the Nobel Peace Prize Committee President. “Has Rob Hayden brought the possibility of peace to the world in the way Obama has brought the possibility of peace to the world? I think not!”

The Muddler is an independent satirical newspaper. The opinions expressed herewith are those of the individual authors and not the people who give us money to print this thing. The ideas, articles and features are a collaborative effort and are occasionally edited (but rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we have plenty of creative people to make up for it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome letters to the editors but only if they’re in the spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.

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