Stake Through The Heart By Steven Donnini

"Stake Through the Heart" by Steven Donnini

(Production Book)

Library Of Congress WGA Copyright Steven Donnini 2004

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Stake Through the Heart is a Dramatic Comedy about the lives of the people within a community theater company in the small college town of Denton, Texas. Here, we have a Drama/Comedy where actors become in life, what they rehearse. So, we go from “STAGE SETTINGS” to “REAL LIFE” situations.

THE CAST

Edna McCoy...A 70 year old woman. Edna was once a raving beauty, but is now a faded Texas rose. All of the plastic surgery and cosmetics can’t bring back her youthful appearance. She has become addicted to pain meds as a result of all the surgery. Her drinking and cigarette smoking has only added to the deterioration. She has been able to survive the years of abuse, to the amazement of her son and many doctors. She is creative and funny when lucid and down right mean when she doesn’t get her way. Acting is her only love and she is exceptionally good at it after thirty years playing equity theater.

Danny McCoy...The 25 year old son of Edna McCoy. 2

Danny is a lovable loser that wants everyone to think he’s a millionaire. His dead father had disowned him after he failed in law school and a business venture. It was a great idea to grind up used car tires and spread them across land fills and create new golf courses all across the country. He had lost more than $500,000 to a Mexican partner who was to supply the auto tires. His father didn’t want to loose any more of his fortune on Danny’s get rich quick schemes. However, when Danny got in trouble his dad gave him enough to keep him from embarrassment. Danny now is a momma’s boy. Since his father’s suicide, he has become a thief. Stealing from his mother’s checkbook whenever there’s a crisis.

Ben Allen...50 year old. The community theater company director. Ben is a college professor that once had high principles and aspirations, but now he wants to play out his academic career by directing a community theater company. His latest production had the worst reviews of his career. The Dallas Morning News critic wrote, “Ben Allen’s latest attempt at play writing uses every cliché in murder mystery. But, he is not a good enough writer to pull it off.” He is always on the edge because he used false credentials to get his first job at the college 17 years ago. The fact 3

is, he never graduated from the University. He bought his diploma and bluffed his way in. He was recently discovered by... the chancellor.

He was warned but not fired, because

all of his students would have to be notified that the course work that was taken with him was worthless as credit. They would have to return to school or give up their diploma’s. So, nothing was done. His writing and directing at the community theater supplies him with a steady supply of starry eyed coeds.

Diane Raver...35 year old theater company Producer Publicist. Diane is a stunning, clever and witty over achiever. As a student she shined and was top of her class at Vanderbilt. Her early loss of both parents to an auto accident left her emotionally wounded. She is unhappily married to an older man that has developed heart problems and passes time with his best friend, alcohol. She has resigned herself, that she will come home one afternoon to discover him dead in front of the TV. She is the chosen one to save the failing, but heavily endowed community theater.

Barbara Biggs...The 20 year old student actress. 4

Barbara is the daughter of a well known Doctor and has had every advantage, except a loving home. Her mother is a social climber with the 500 club. 500 woman that devote their lives to pretentious tea party’s and gala Opera events. Barbara is a clone of her mother. She is always looking for an easy way out of dependence on her mother and father, but doesn’t want to give up the good life to achieve independence. She presents a cool and controlled appearance. But, she is driven by her mother’s competitive nature to be out front in every situation, marry well, be the center of attention and put on a good show no matter what. Her need to keep up appearances causes many uncomfortable moments for her few friends.

STAKE THROUGH THE HEART FADE IN INT. THEATER A community theater in the college town of Denton, Texas. The stage is clear for rehearsal of the next production. There is seating for 250 people. 5

Ben Allen, is standing in the orchestra pit at the edge of center stage. He is writing names on the cover pages of a script. He’s apprehensive about the new play he is about to begin rehearsal on, because it’s not one of the little theater standards like "The Gin Game." Nor, is it going to be talked about in the same way as "Angels in America." However, he’s hoping that this new play will bring new excitement to the theater. Ben has been the director for many years. During his tenure the productions have been met with mixed reviews by the area newspapers. In fact, it has been getting more and more uncomfortable for him at the dinner parties he must attend. The sponsors are looking for a way to stop the mounting losses from sagging ticket sales. They are offering more creative in-put. Diane Raver, walks across the stage to talk to Ben. She is not sympathetic to his situation. All she wants is to fill seats. She is cold and all business. As she approaches, Ben looks up to see her in high heels with one foot standing on a of the copy of the latest script. She was assigned by the largest corporate sponsor in Denton County to get things on track. Although she has no theater experience, the people that matter think she can do the job. The last production was a disaster. The theater company board members are looking for a hit this time or Ben is out.

INT. THEATER (Ben looks up.) BEN You can lift your foot anytime. DIANE (Holds her foot firm.) I’ve got some news for you. The Company 6

board members are meeting today. They’re looking for a hit this time. In my own best interest I will try to minimize the problems and promote the show. BEN Isn’t that in your job description. DIANE It’s not my responsibility to save your failing career. But, under the circumstances your fate is linked to mine. BEN I’m happy you see it that way. You may discover some new ways to support the effort here. DIANE Everybody thinks that you’re a burn-out. I don’t think you ever got warm. (She turns her shoe into the script then walks away.) DIANE (CONT’D) Have a nice day. Edna McCoy 70 rolls out in her wheelchair from behind the stage curtain and rolls across the stage toward Ben. EDNA I’ve been listening to you. I didn’t want to eavesdrop but, I couldn’t help it. BEN It doesn’t make any difference. Everybody knows what’s going on. EDNA I want to do this show. It may be my last one. BEN 7

The way it looks this could be my swan song, too. EDNA Tell me about how you see the play. BEN I know that just beneath the surface we all have contradiction. EDNA Oh! BEN Everyone ages, but hangs on to their youth, like an old Hollywood child star that dresses and acts like their last memorable performance. EDNA Like Mickey Rooney and Liz Taylor? Danny McCoy, walks across the stage to join Ben and Edna. BEN It’s good you could make it, Danny. Danny has never performed on the stage with his mother. He’s not happy at the prospect. DANNY Well, what are we going to do? BEN We’re going on a cruise ship where you fall in love with an astonishing young woman. DANNY But, I’m already in love. Danny grabs his mother in his arms. EDNA It’s illusion, a real man in love, maybe for the first time. 8

DANNY I’ll get affection at last? BEN I would call it passion. Wait till you meet your lover. EDNA Another ill fated romance. BEN She’s on her way. DANNY Anybody I know? BEN I don’t know. Her name is Jan Whittle. But, you will call her Barbara. DANNY What has she done before? BEN Only college credits so far, but I think she’s a natural. EDNA If you think she is talented, then she’s in. Barbara Biggs, opens the theater doors at the entrance and walks down toward the stage. She is carrying a canvas bag with books in it. Ben introduces her to the others. BEN Edna, Danny, meet Jan... I mean Barbara. Danny is enraptured by her gracefulness. eyes off her.

He can’t take his

EDNA 9

Ben has told us all about you. Edna is not happy with Danny in that he is showing his awkward nature when around woman, especially in front of his mother. BEN Barbara, this is your script. BARBARA What’s it about? BEN A mother and son go on a cruise ship. Barbara, that’s you and Danny that’s him... (Ben points toward Danny.) BEN (CONT’D) meet on the cruise ship and fall in love. The mother is extremely jealous of the love affair. She has been very ill and this is to be the last trip she takes with the son before she dies. He wants to please her. EDNA This could be a little too close to home. DANNY Don’t talk like that. BEN The story is about passion. BARBARA What do you think Barbara will desire? Sex? Or what? BEN She is attracted to him at first. Then she discovers he 10

is about to become a wealthy man. Passion and greed combine. BARBARA Sounds like my love life. BEN Very good. Well, we’ve got two weeks till the show opens. As you know this is the last show I’ll do here. So, we can do whatever we want with it. Edna is busy reading the play. (Ben turns away from the stage and walks to a chair. He opens his copy of the script.) BEN Look on page 20 please. (They all turn pages of their script.) BEN This is one of the most important scenes. Here, Edna tells Danny that he will never have his inheritance. BARBARA Is this about his greed and my passion? DANNY I don’t know. BARBARA Sounds like what all my family and friends are going through. BEN It’s about all of that. It’s about pain that love can bring. (Ben stands up with 11

the script in hand and walks in front of the stage.) BEN (CONT’D) I like the notion that when two people fall in love it effects everyone around them. It changes the existing relationships, the game changes. EDNA As a mother, I think, “How could my son want to leave his mother alone to die?” BEN For years she has used his inheritance to manipulate him. He is humiliated constantly. DANNY I can see why he would be impatient to get the inheritance. EDNA I need to read the script before I have questions. BEN Is there anything else before we go? OK, I’ll see you Wednesday night at 7:00. (Everyone picks up their scripts and leaves the theater. Danny and Barbara look at each other across the stage one last time. She stops and turns.) BARBARA I don’t know if I can do it. (Danny watches her leave the theater.) 12

Ben sees Danny standing in the aisle looking at Barbara leave. DANNY Give me some direction about how to play this guy. (Ben walks to a seat and Danny joins him.) BEN I’ve chosen you and Edna for this show, because I know this subject is close to home. DANNY The thought occurred to me. BEN You know, it’s just another play until you bring it to life. I chose it as my last play because we can do whatever we want. I’m finished here. DANNY That’s not true. BEN I’ve never seen it different. Not in University. Not anywhere. DANNY So, what your saying is I’m on a sinking ship so to speak. BEN I’m saying you’ll be the last actor considered by the new director. They’ll pick a people pleaser to take my spot. DANNY I can get along with a people pleaser! 13

BEN That’s not what I mean. Look, you’ve done a lot of shows with me. DANNY Don’t you think other directors will see my talent? BEN Not when there’s politics involved. DANNY I don’t understand. BEN It’s not a matter of taste. DANNY What do you expect from me? BEN Fall in love with Barbara. She is dangerous, yes? DANNY Why? BEN You will feel the infatuation and get lost in it. DANNY She’s beautiful. If she doesn’t feel anything for me I’ll .... I won’t be convincing. BEN She likes you. I can tell. DANNY How? BEN Other people can see these things before we can. 14

DANNY I don’t think my mother will like her. BEN Good. INT. THEATER Ben is standing on the stage with Danny. They are looking at the script. DANNY I want to play this scene with my dad like this. (He walks off stage. Stops.... turns back.) DANNY What are you doing with that gun? You’ve been drinking. I’m sick of your shit. (Ben stomps his foot on the stage.

Boom.)

DANNY Oh, God! (Danny falls on the stage next to his dad.) Edna wheels herself out in her chair. She is in a drug stupor. EDNA Did Daddy fall again? DANNY Yes. Go back to your bedroom. EDNA All right! Danny gets to his feet and walks to a table, picks up the 15

telephone and calls 911. DANNY Please send help. My father has shot himself in the head. We’re at 1407 Hollowridge Rd. Hurry! EDNA What’s going on out there? DANNY I want you to go into your room. EDNA You can’t talk to me that way. DANNY Please mom, go to your room. Edna slowly wheels herself across the stage. He puts down the phone and goes over to his father on the floor. He sits down and holds his father’s head in his lap. DANNY Oh, Dad don’t leave me. BEN Danny. I want to break here. and work Barbara a bit. BARBARA Where do I start? BEN I want to hear your introduction to Danny and Edna. Page twenty eight. I’ll read for Danny and Edna. Ben points to the line he wants her to start at. BEN Here you are standing in line 16

waiting to be seated for dinner in the dining room of the cruise ship Northern Star. Danny is pushing Edna in her wheel chair just ahead of you. She is most demanding. She doesn’t like waiting. You introduce yourself. BARBARA Hi, my name is Barbara. BEN (AS DANNY) Nice to meet you. I’m Danny and this is my mother Edna. BEN (AS EDNA) Am I going to sit here all night like that ice sculpture over there, melting away. BARBARA Let me see if I can help. Barbara walks to the center of the stage and mimes greeting a waiter. BARBARA The lady in the chair would like to have a table as soon as possible. BEN (with his best whisky voice as EDNA.) I want a drink. A double scotch on the rocks. BEN (AS DANNY) Mom please, not so loud. BEN (AS EDNA) Don’t tell me how to act. I’m too old to care what other people think. BEN (AS DANNY) I’m not. 17

Barbara hears Edna calling for a drink and returns to Danny and Edna. BARBARA It will be just a minute on the table. BEN (AS EDNA) What about my drink? I want a scotch on the rocks. A double. BARBARA We can go to the bar and wait for our tables. Ben puts down his script. BEN That was very good. I’ll get the others out here for the next scene in the bar. Edna and Danny come out from behind the curtain. EDNA You can push me a little faster. I’m not going to get whiplash. DANNY I’m just being careful since the accident. BEN OK, we’re in the bar and Edna wants a drink. Take it from there. Danny walks Barbara to the bar. DANNY Can I get you a drink? BARBARA I’ll have a Gin Tonic. Don’t forget the scotch on the rocks.

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DANNY How could I forget. EDNA Where’s my drink. BARBARA It’s coming. DANNY Bartender, I need a double Johnny Walker Red on the rocks, Gin Tonic and a draft beer. Barbara sits down next to Edna. BARBARA Do you mind if I sit with you? I’m alone on this trip. EDNA It’s up to you. If you can stand being with a sick old lady and a momma’s boy. It’s OK with me. BARBARA He doesn’t seem like that. EDNA That’s because you don’t know him. Danny returns to the table with the drinks.

EDNA It’s about time. I thought you had left me here to fend for myself. You know, the last time we went out to dinner, Danny went to the men’s room for 30 minutes. He didn’t even eat his food. DANNY 19

It’s a good thing I’m crazy about this old lady. BARBARA Like she said, she’s too old to care what people think. EDNA Where’s my pill box? DANNY I don’t want you drinking and taking pills on top of it. EDNA (RAISING HER VOICE) Do as I tell you, now. Or, I’ll give you a night to remember little boy. BARBARA Look, I think it’s time for me to leave you alone to work things out. DANNY I’m really embarrassed about this. Don’t go, it’s just her way of letting everyone know who’s in charge. EDNA I want my pills, please. Barbara gets up from the table. Danny grabs her hand. BARBARA No, I really want to go. Danny gets up to follow her across the stage. DANNY Please don’t leave me here alone with her. I want to spend some time with you. Can I meet you later for a 20

night cap? BARBARA I’d like that. DANNY How about 10:30 at the bar? BARBARA OK, that sounds good. EDNA Danny! DANNY Nature calls. I’ll see you then. Barbara looks back at the table then turns and walks off the stage. Danny slowly returns to the table and sits down. DANNY Why did you drive her off like that? EDNA All I wanted was a pill. Which I still don’t have. Danny reaches down under the table and picks up her purse. DANNY Only one.

EDNA In the morning, I want to see the ships doctor. I’m having trouble with my vision. DANNY The doctor in New York told you what was wrong. EDNA 21

I think he’s full of it. DANNY He told me that you were drunk and stoned on the drugs, and that you can’t walk without falling. You can’t focus your eyes for the same reason. EDNA I told you I need new glasses. DANNY Yeah! I heard you. EDNA I know you can’t wait to get me into a nursing home. DANNY You need to be in a place where people can take care of you. EDNA You’re not going to get my money while I’m alive. You tried to get me put away when I went to the hospital. DANNY They called me and asked that I come and get you. They didn’t want to mess with you. You almost got yourself committed.

EDNA I don’t want to talk about this. Get me a fresh pack of Pall Mall.

INT. THEATER REHEARSAL / CENTER STAGE The stage lights go down. A spot light creates a pool of light over Danny. 22

DANNY She’s right. She is so pitiful sitting there about to fall out of the chair or burn herself with the cigarette. At Christmas, when she gave me the check for two Zillion dollars, I knew she was on to me. How can she be so drunk and stoned and still think? The doctors don’t understand how she is still breathing. The stage lights come up. Ben claps his hands and walks to the stage from where he’s been sitting. BEN Why don’t we stop here? Diane walks on to the stage from behind the actors. DIANE Wait people, we have a little problem I want to share with you. A note was left on the theater door this morning, followed by a threatening phone call. BEN Jesus, what for? DIANE I have called the police. It appears that there’s a group of nuts out there that don’t Diane (Cont.) want us to put on this play. They say we are advocating abuse to the elderly. EDNA How did they find out what we’re doing? 23

DIANE I sent out a PR Release and somehow a theater critic at the University paper got a copy of the script. BEN Do you think we’re in any danger? DIANE As you all know we don’t want any of you to get hurt, so please be watchful. The board has asked me to put a guard outside the front door. At the end of all rehearsals please go out the front door and have the guard walk you to your car. She turns and walks off the stage. BEN We have no way of knowing whether this is a real threat, or just a hoax. Let’s not get upset without knowing more. BARBARA I won’t let some old fart tell me what kind of play to do.

BEN I agree. I don’t want to back down. It’s more than likely just some stupid redneck or a college kid pulling a prank to make us sweat. BARBARA It’s getting late. I’ve got a date. 24

BEN OK, go ahead. I would feel better coming back when we have a guard at the door. They all pack up to leave the theater. Barbara, Danny and Edna walk out the front door. Ben stays behind to talk to Diane. He walks to the production office back stage. INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE Diane is sitting in his chair leaning back with her feet crossed and resting on his desk. BEN Why didn’t you tell me first about the letter and phone call? DIANE I didn’t think it mattered. What difference does it make? BEN It makes a lot of difference. I’m the director. DIANE I know how important you think you are, but don’t become more of a problem than you already are. I don’t have energy for this.

BEN So, let me see the note. DIANE The police have it. Go have a drink or do whatever you do. BEN Why don’t we have a drink at Lockers? Bury the hatchet. 25

DIANE All right, why not? It’s always fun to see how the bottom feeders spend their free time. BEN Bottom feeders, cute. DIANE If the shoe fits... They get up and leave for Lockers. INT. LOCKERS BAR (NIGHT) Lockers is a dark, smoky neighborhood bar. Rose, 36 is the bartender. Regulars are sitting at the bar smoking, sipping beer and shots. Diane and Ben walk up to the bar and sit down on stools. Rose calls to them. ROSE What will you have? DIANE A Vodka tonic please. BEN You know what I like Rose. ROSE Yeah, I know what you like Ben. How’s the wife. BEN Which one? ROSE (Hands Ben a scotch and water) The last one. BEN She left with her yoga instructor. ROSE I know that song. “All my ex’s 26

live in Texas.” BEN She got mad at me because one of the young actresses had a crush on me and sent love notes to the house. DIANE That’s believable! ROSE It’s true, his wife came in here looking for him one night with tears in her eyes. Her heart was broken. DIANE Instead of doing your work and taking care of business at home he’s out chasing coed’s. That’s great. What an example. BEN I can’t help it if young, beautiful women find me charming. ROSE That’s why we keep the lights down low around here. We don’t want the rest of the customers to see the sewer backing up. DIANE I think he’s telling the truth. He is charming if you’re an 18 year old school girl that’s never been away from home. ROSE She’s got you nailed. BEN She doesn’t like me. DIANE No. I just don’t understand you. 27

BEN What don’t you understand? DIANE Look your job is to produce the best play for the buck. All you have to do is pick plays everyone wants to see and produce them reasonably well. What’s so hard about that? BEN I don’t want to just do the standard stuff. I want to experiment. DIANE You can’t experiment in the sticks. The people around here want to go to a Broadway play once a month. But, they can’t afford the air fare. Does that make sense? BEN Yes, but I think the Daughters of the American Revolution need to keep to themselves when it comes to producing theater. DIANE Not everyone here is like that. Lots of people want to see good stuff.

BEN Like what? Almost every new show in New York is about gay men. I’m not gay and it’s not interesting to me. DIANE You’re just not sensitive to them. But, people find their 28

lives interesting. Just like middle class, white people that live in the suburbs find poor blacks interesting. They don’t want to sit next to them on the bus or train, or live next to them, but they still want to see how they live, but from a distance. BEN They’re always in turmoil. People can be entertained by chaos, I admit, but when it’s all said and done there’s no point to it. DIANE The people in this town live in a fish bowl. It’s clean and orderly. Chaos is exciting to them. BEN I think having a threat to the theater company adds a little chaos to the mix, don’t you? DIANE It’s also a great way to get the word out about the new play. BEN If I thought you had an active imagination, I’d think you conjured all this up. DIANE I’ve learned all about PR. It’s very dangerous because it almost always backfires. BEN What do you mean. DIANE PR is used to make fame or 29

to direct attention. If the story is good, all the news people start looking closer to continue the story. The more they look, the more blemishes they find. Before long the blemishes are all people what to hear about. It may take time, but PR almost always backfires. BEN So if you’re right, the idea is to start the fire and leave the area. DIANE Very good. BEN What if, it’s your house that’s a blaze? DIANE That’s the hazard. BEN You’re an arsonist. DIANE I guess you could say that. But, I don’t think anyone would believe you. BEN Rose get me another one. (Holds up his glass.) ROSE Got it. DIANE Vodka and tonic, please. The art of PR is best practiced with a controlled burn. If you control the fuel, then you control the backfire. 30

BEN I see that this is a game to you. DIANE Yes it is. I hope we can stay on top of it. BEN I don’t ever see you with your husband. DIANE What’s the question? BEN You never talk about him. DIANE I married an older man. I wish now after 10 years that I hadn’t. BEN Why? DIANE He’s got heart problems. I’m always worried about him having an attack out in the art studio we built in the back yard. BEN Why don’t you divorce him.

DIANE I don’t want people to think I’m heartless. Besides, he’s a good guy. He’s just a slouch. BEN I know a lot of older guys mooch on younger woman. They grow to resent it. In fact, it’s a great racket. In the 31

beginning the girl is looking for a father and a good looking older man comes along. He’s got a great career, or at least he’s making big bucks. But, after a few years the day comes when he doesn’t feel too hot so he goes to the doctor and gets bad news. DIANE What’s a girl to do? BEN It’s a bad heart, prostate cancer, perhaps kidney stones, or colon cancer. DIANE I see you’ve been thinking about this. BEN A buddy of mine drives around calling everyone on his car phone hoping to catch somebody that would like to have a drink with him. His wife thinks he’s out looking for work. DIANE My husband has done that more times than I care to count. BEN How old is he? DIANE 62, but he says he’s 58. BEN I’ve thought about looking for a young woman to help me into the golden years. DIANE If you are serious about this, 32

you better start now. There’s a lot of competition out there. BEN Don’s been mooching off his last wife for at least 10 years. Every so often she gets on his ass for a few day’s about money. Then, they have a big fight and make-up. She ends up feeling sorry for him, because he breaks down and cries. He tells her he’s afraid of dying. In the end, she forgives him and covers all the bills he’s accumulated. DIANE I hate to admit it, but that’s what I do. It feels good to get it out in the open, even if we’re not solving the problem. As much as I want to kick him out, when it comes down to doing it, I just can’t. BEN Men put up with woman that don’t want to work. What’s the difference? DIANE I feel tricked. It wasn’t part of the deal going in.

BEN What about the vows? In sickness and in health? For richer or poorer? DIANE You see, the part about sickness is, he has caused all his heart problems, by drinking at Louie’s Bar and eating pigs feet. 33

BEN What if he goes into a coma? DIANE That makes the point mute then, wouldn’t you say? Well... it’s seems cold blooded to question these ideas. BEN But, look at the wedding ring you wear. That’s a lot of rock. He paid dearly for it, didn’t he? DIANE He didn’t. My last husband did. BEN I don’t understand. Why are you wearing the wedding ring from your ex? DIANE Well, when I met Ted he was getting a divorce and we didn’t have money for another wedding set. So, he paid me $14,000 over 3 years for it and I just kept it. Look I picked it out in the first place. If I had been forced to pick out another so as not to hurt Ted’s feelings, then it wouldn’t have been a trophy set. Diane (Cont.) Ted would have felt bad because he would have given me a piece of junk. BEN I see woman showing off their diamond rings all the time. I worked with a guy that bought his bride a 3 CT. diamond 34

ring. He told me it wasn’t real, but, she didn’t know it. She’s one of the gals that you see in the porno mags. You know the ones pictured in the little ads for S&M stuff with the black gag masks. DIANE What’s a gag mask? BEN I’ve seen one in the Pleasure Chest in L.A. They put a ball in the mouth and then put a mask on top. DIANE So, that’s how you spend your summer vacation? BEN No. I always thought a gag was a joke, until I went to L.A. ROSE Why is it that when people get a few drinks in them the subject of sex comes up? DIANE Look at that guy over there he’s not talking. ROSE Yeah, that’s Mark, he doesn’t talk too much anymore, since Rose (Cont.) his wife died. Sad, but... he’s a good drinker. I’ve never seen him drunk. He sits there everynight and drinks till closing. I wish I had a bar full of guy’s like him. Real sweet guy. BEN 35

I heard a woman stabbed her hubby here the other night. ROSE That was Ginger, she was sitting at one of the high tops over by the dart boards. Her husband came in and they got into a fight. She was sloppy and fell backwards and hit her head on the floor. He picked her up and carried her to the car. I thought she was OK, because he came back in and ordered a drink. She came back in, walked up to him and stabbed him in the shoulder blade with a screwdriver. BEN That must have been a mess. ROSE He turned around and grabbed her hand before she got him again. DIANE What did the cops do? ROSE I don’t call the cops. People get in fights here all the time. If I call 911 every time, we’d get shut down. I only call if there’s a robbery or shooting. DIANE What did the couple do? ROSE She went to the bath room and got some paper towels and I gave him crushed ice to keep the swelling down. She hit a nerve and his hand has no feeling in it. He can’t work now. 36

BEN What happened to the fat guy? You know the one that used to sit over in the booth. ROSE You’re thinking of Big Ed. He doesn’t come in any more, because he’s gained too much weight and can’t get in his car. He’s a computer whiz, you know. DIANE I need to get going. Do you want a ride? BEN I was hoping you’d ask. EXT. LOCKERS BAR PARKING LOT (NIGHT) Ben and Diane get in her BMW and drive quietly as they listen to a talk radio station.

RADIO HOST Your listening to Marshal Bateman. Tonight we’re talking about how to stop terrorist in big cities like NY from coming in and invading our town. Let’s take our first caller. "Hello, you’re on the air." CALLER JED I’ve lived here all my life and I hate to think we’re so stupid that we just let these guys come in and take over. RADIO HOST What’s your question? 37

CALLER JED Why don’t the police stop these guy’s from setting up shop here? RADIO HOST I don’t think they were expecting them to come here in the first place. CALLER JED OK, but they’re here and we need to get rid of them. RADIO HOST Got any ideas? CALLER JED Yeah, nail them to the nearest tree. RADIO HOST I think that’s still against the law. CALLER JED So what, so is selling crack and heroin to school kids. But, that doesn’t stop anybody. RADIO HOST OK. You nail them to the tree. Then what?

CALLER JED Take a photo of them, print up a thousand flyers and drop them all over New York and L.A. RADIO HOST I think you may be on to something there. Let’s take another caller. Thanks for calling. What’s 38

your idea about how to deal with terrorist? CALLER LISA They need to go home to whatever Arab country they came from. RADIO HOST What about the people that get killed by these thugs? CALLER LISA It’s like war. Some people get in the way. All we got to do is make it deal with them. RADIO HOST The President says, It’s better to hunt them down than to sit and wait for them to blow up another night club. CALLER LISA I say rock on. RADIO HOST ( click ) Hello next caller, what’s your idea? CALLER CLAUDIA I’ve been thinking a lot about this problem and I think if you catch someone trying to bomb a building, take away their U.S. citizenship and make them leave the country. RADIO HOST Where would they go? CALLER CLAUDIA Any country that would take them, or to a place like Panama that we control. The idea is to get rid of them in a way that we don’t have to support them. RADIO HOST 39

The idea isn’t a new one. But, it hasn’t been used in a while. Thanks for calling. ( click ) Hello. What’s your idea? CALLER BILL I think we should cut off their testicles. RADIO HOST Don’t you think that’s a little drastic? CALLER BILL Why not? These people cause all kinds of problems, like AIDS. I’ll bet if you cut off the balls of every terrorist and let the cops do whatever they want them with. It wouldn’t be much fun to be in terrorist, now would it? RADIO HOST So, the cops should do whatever they want to the terrorist? CALLER BILL Sure. Let the cops divide up the guns and money they find between them. Like a bonus for doing good work, corporate businessmen do it. Why not? RADIO HOST I’m sure the N.R.A. would love you. ( click ) Next caller. Hello. CALLER CAROL I think these guys are use to doing what they want. They don’t need jail. They don’t need pandering either. 40

RADIO HOST What do you suggest? CALLER CAROL Nerve gas them. When the neighborhood gets infested with them, come in and gas them. Just like pest control.

RADIO HOST We sure have a lot of the stuff just sitting in the hills of Arkansas. CALLER CAROL If a cop sees a gang in the street with guns and bombs their human rights should be revoked on the spot. RADIO HOST Next caller....

EXT. BEN’S HOUSE (NIGHT) The BMW comes to a stop at the curb in front of a small home in the burbs. BEN Thanks for the ride.

DIANE You need to understand, I want to take credit for the success of the play. Ben steps out of the car and closes the door. Diane pulls away into the night. INT. BEN’S OFFICE AT UNIVERSITY (DAY) The following day Ben sits in his office at the University. 41

It is messy and cluttered with stacks of folders. He sorts though them clumsily looking for a lost student’s assignment. He looks over at the answering machine and the light is flashing. He presses the message button. ( Beep ) Mr. Allen, this is Art Halprin, I’ve been calling you for 4 days looking for my test score please call me at 354-7426. ( Beep ) Ben, this is Susan, I left my hair brush at your place the other night and I need it. Please call me. ( Beep ) Ben, if you ever come to work again, call your boss. That’s me, remember. The shit is going to hit the fan in the Pres. office. There’s a witch hunt going on. ( Beep ) Ben picks up the phone and calls his department head.

BEN Hi Jim, sorry I’ve been busy working on the new play. INT. JIM’S DEN AT HOME (DAY) He’s talking to Ben from his desk in his den. JIM The Queen is on the warpath. There’s talk about trying to force early retirement on us old boys. I think its going to happen Jim (Cont.) next Friday. They’ll start by holding pay checks for the next pay period. BEN Thanks for the warning. Is there anything I can do? JIM 42

Yeah. Come in the next few days. That will help. At least they can’t dock your pay for being absent. INT. BEN’S OFFICE (NIGHT) BEN I’ve got a way to screw her. JIM What are you talking about? BEN, I’ve got a VHS recording of the Queen’s son with a young soccer player. He was one of my students. He was better with a hidden camera than acting. JIM I don’t want to know the details. That way I won’t be a lying if she asks me about it. BEN Don’t worry, she’ll be looking in another direction by 5 PM. JIM Thanks Ben. Ben puts the phone down and digs through his desk. In the top draw he finds the VHS. He writes her name on an envelope.

INT. THEATER The stage set with a table and wooden chair. BEN Jim knew what I was going to do. Together we have done dirty tricks in the past. The best one in recent years was when Jim was in a political fight 43

over control of the department. His rival was a smart political guy from University of Chicago. He had collected negative stuff about Jim and was about to use it. Two days before he could, I broke into his office, put on a pair of surgical gloves, opened a baggy with my morning dump in it and smeared it all over everything in the office. The walls, desk, lamp, telephone, everything. The students call it "Droggies". He was finished. Everybody on campus knew. And nobody would clean it up. So, the guy had to do it himself. He was gone in 4 weeks and Jim became the new department head.

EXT. CAMPUS (DAY) Ben is walking across campus talking on his cell phone. BEN Look Susan, I do love you. But, I’m trying to get the play together. I can’t spend a lot of time with you right now. SUSAN All I want is to come over tonight and get my brush. That’s all. BEN You’ve got the key. Just go over and get it. SUSAN I didn’t want to just show up. BEN It doesn’t matter. 44

SUSAN I’ll stop over about 7. BEN Stop and get a pizza, OK? SUSAN You’re using me again. You said you wouldn’t do that anymore. BEN Yeah, yeah, yeah. SUSAN The word is that the President is out to get you. BEN What have you heard? SUSAN I was talking to Jean in the administration office. She said next Friday is D-Day. They plan to push all the old regime over the cliff. BEN Tell me more. SUSAN You and Jim are at the top of the hit list. BEN What have they got? SUSAN The usual stuff about you. Absent professor with the good old boy network. And a taste for young ripe coed’s. BEN The Queen loves to fight. SUSAN Can she win? 45

BEN Not without taking a major hit. SUSAN What are you talking about? BEN You know I’m not going to hurt her. SUSAN Dirty boy! BEN I’ll see you later.

INT. McCOY’S HOME (NIGHT) The den at the McCoy home is cluttered with theater memorabilia. Publicity photos of shows that Edna had performed in are hanging all around the room. Danny is sitting at the desk looking through the bank statements that have come in the daily mail. The long time housekeeper Sophia 55 comes in and startles him. DANNY Don’t sneak up on me like that. SOPHIA Are you looking for something in Edna’s desk? DANNY I don’t think it’s any of your business. SOPHIA I think a person has a right to open their own mail. DANNY Lately, she has forgotten to open the mail. SOPHIA I know what you are up to. 46

DANNY What’s that? SOPHIA You and your smartass lawyer are trying to put her away. DANNY Go clean something. SOPHIA I’ll tell your mother what you are up to. DANNY She won’t remember. SOPHIA I’ll never forget when you were 12 years old, Edna thought there was five dollars missing from her purse. I knew it was you that took it. But, because I was new here, I was the one everyone thought was the thief. Thank God, Edna didn’t dismiss me. DANNY So, what! I was just a kid? SOPHIA You are doing the same thing. Only this time it’s with the help of a lawyer. DANNY As soon as I have her put away you’re out of here. Besides, I think you’ve been squirreling mother’s jewelry. SOPHIA If anything is missing out of the jewelry box, I’m sure we both know who’s sticky fingers were 47

there last. DANNY Why would I want to steal something that’s going to be mine anyway when she dies? SOPHIA Everybody knows, you haven’t been able to make anything of that business. DANNY Who, told you that? SOPHIA Sandy. Your back stabbing ex-employee. DANNY She’s a good person. SOPHIA That’s not how I see it. DANNY What are you talking about? SOPHIA She is always playing the weak one. The single mother. Super Mom. DANNY That poor woman has had a horrible time with that pig husband.

SOPHIA She told me that he had a big collection of porno films he used to show at home to get her aroused. DANNY A lot of people like to watch them. SOPHIA She said she would catch him showing 48

them to their girls. DANNY She should have stopped him and put them away. SOPHIA She liked them. DANNY Not Sandy. SOPHIA Who do you think buys that stuff? Sophia dusts off a lampshade with a feather duster and leaves through the open door. INT. BARBARA’S APARTMENT (NIGHT) Barbara Biggs is walking around the living room of her small apartment looking for the cordless telephone. She finds it under pillows on the couch. Dialing it, she turns to a window to talk to Mike Weller 45. BARBARA Hi. It’s me. What’s happening tonight? MIKE I’ve been thinking about a prenuptial agreement. BARBARA You think I want your money? What do you care? You got it from your dad. You haven’t worked a day in you life.

MIKE When you inherit, you earn it. BARBARA You think I’m going to hang out with you till you come up with something better and dump me. 49

MIKE, What’s your problem? I get you anything you want. BARBARA You only buy me things you want. MIKE All your girl friends have gotten married to young lawyers or stockbrokers. So, you feel left out? BARBARA Yeah. They have done what they set out to do. I’m still sitting around with you wondering what is going to happen next. MIKE Look if we can come to an agreement then we can get married. BARBARA If we don’t make it together. I want half. MIKE I don’t want to be broke like all my friends that got divorced. BARBARA I’m young and smart and I can have any guy I want.

MIKE If you’re affluent you can buy any woman you want. BARBARA Don’t you know what commitment is? MIKE You’ve made your point. Let’s go to dinner and talk about it. 50

BARBARA I mean business this time. If we can’t come to an understanding, that’s it. MIKE Besides, you’re very talented. You’ll make your own wealth. BARBARA I’m an artist. I don’t want a regular day job. EXT. THEATER ENTRANCE (DAY) A policeman is standing guard at the theater entrance. He watches as different cars pass by. Ben walks up to him through the crowd of protesters. BEN When did you get here? POLICEMAN About twenty minutes ago. BEN Have they been behaving themselves? POLICEMAN So far, they’ve just been talking to each other. BEN Are those the Gray Panther guys?

POLICEMAN I’ve faced down some trouble makers back in the 80’s. They’re harmless. INT. THEATER LOBBY (DAY) Ben unlocks the theater door and walks in. The mail is scattered around the floor in front of him. As he gathers it up he sees a letter from his ex-wife. He knows that whatever she has to say, it can’t make him feel better 51

about what happened between them. But, he takes a seat on the couch in the lobby. A shaft of light from a second story window creates a spotlight on him as he reads the letter. VO:Ben reading, BEN I wanted to say I’m sorry that things didn’t work out for us. But, I don’t know at what point things got out of control. It’s always harder to see what’s going on when your inside the mess. I know now how much you’re like my dad. Now that he’s gone, I think of calling you all the time. But, I know I’m not welcome and I can understand that. I have been able to see more clearly how my mother used and abused me. She hasn’t stopped. My greatest fear is that I’m still controlled by her. I thought you were the one trying to control me and it was her all along. It was easier to blame you for my feelings. Love Lea. Ben, folds the letter and puts it back into the envelope. The door to the theater office opens and Diane comes into the lobby to meet Ben. She is in a business mode. DIANE I hope our friends out front are harmless. BEN They are looking for justice. DIANE What? You spend too much time alone. BEN Just look at them, they’re going to be here everyday walking back and forth carrying those signs. 52

DIANE I antagonized them. One phone call. BEN You would do something like that. DIANE I’m telling you that, because it’s true. If anyone finds out I’ll know where it came from. BEN Did they teach that in your ethics class at business school? DIANE No. I learned all the good stuff when I worked for PepsiCo. When I was recruited out of Vanderbilt, I was eager to become an Asst. Product Manager. After six months they promoted me to Product Manager on the new cookie product. My boss was an “Eagle.” He got a detective to fly over the Sara Lee cookie factory and photograph the layout. He got caught and got a 2 million dollar parachute. Marketing is war. BEN Where is he now? DIANE He’s the President of Group W. BEN I can’t imagine being that interested in cookies. DIANE Don’t you like winning? BEN Just getting a good play produced is enough. 53

DIANE I almost forgot. The secretary to the Pres. of the college called for you. BEN The axe murderer? DIANE Why does everyone like you so much? BEN Did she say anything more? DIANE Nope.

INT. BEN’S OFFICE (NIGHT) Ben goes to the office to call and on. He knows that it’s a matter of face the new Pres. She has made it wood will have to go. She likes to

find out what is going time before he has to clear that all the dead do the firing in person.

The phone has post-it notes all over it. Dialing the phone he hopes they have gone for the night. Jean the sec. answers. JEAN Office of the Pres. How can I help you? Ben almost hangs up. BEN It’s me. You’re working late? JEAN We’re chopping some dead wood. Splinters are everywhere. BEN Has revenge found a new level? 54

JEAN The Pres. wants to see you. How soon can you get here? BEN I have rehearsal tonight. JEAN I think you better come on over now. BEN I’ll be there in 20 min. JEAN I’ll tell her you’re on your way. Bye. He gets in his old Saab and looks for his tape recorder which he puts in his coat pocket. INT. UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT OFFICE (NIGHT) The office of the Pres. is colored by dark wood paneling and maroon leather chairs. The fire place is lit and two chairs with small side tables are facing in front of it. Ben enters cautiously. The President turns in her high back leather chair and looks at Ben over her reading glasses. The youngest President of the College at just 38 she demands respect from everyone. She gets up and walks to the fireplace. PRES. Ben, I thought we needed a little private meeting to plan the future. PRES. I’ve had my attention on you for some time. There are some things in your past that should stay there. BEN 55

The word on campus is that you’re going to terminate the older boys.

Ben sits down across from her. PRES. I’ve poured you a glass of brandy. Let’s just sit here and enjoy the moment. Because, our fireside chat could change things between us. BEN It’s very warm next to the fire. PRES. I’ve been looking at different ways to improve the quality of life on the campus. BEN I’m sure that’s always on your mind. PRES. There’s a video tape that I hear you are in possession of that could be very embarrassing to the University. BEN Yes. PRES. And I think it should be kept in a safe place. No copies. You see? BEN Naturally. I will drop it in your office in the morning. PRES. I’m happy that we see things eye to eye. Well then, I’ve got memos to get out. She gets up and returns to her desk. Ben hurries to the 56

door. PRES. Close the door on the way out. INT. ATLANTIC CAFE (NIGHT) Barbara and Mike are walking into Atlantic Cafe a very good place to be seen. The Maitre d’ greets them by name and shows them to a table by the window. MIKE Once again, you’re the most gorgeous woman in the place. BARBARA You’re just saying that so you can get me in bed later. MIKE The thought had crossed my mind. BARBARA Well, get it out. I’m not looking for a case of herpes. MIKE Not so loud. Are you trying to ruin me? BARBARA You already did that. MIKE That night Johnny and I were so drunk we didn’t know what was going on. BARBARA So, you guys picked up a strange old whore and took her to your place? MIKE It was Johnny’s idea. BARBARA He called me today. He wanted 57

to come over. MIKE Why? BARBARA I’ve always had a thing for him. MIKE, I can’t think of a better reason to nominate you for whore of the week. BARBARA You think you should be the only man I look at. MIKE When you jumped on me Thursday night my dick was bent backwards. It swelled up and turned blue. BARBARA Really, you deserved it. A friend saw you with a woman the other day. MIKE It hurts. Here take a look at it. BARBARA Keep that nasty thing in your pants. You want every woman to see it? MIKE The only thing hard to figure about you is how much to tip you. BARBARA I guess there won’t be wedding bells ringing over us. MIKE I’m glad you were able to make it tonight. Am I speaking to your evil twin? 58

BARBARA I’m no different from any other girl looking for a guy. MIKE I’m like every guy. BARBARA Then why do you hit me? MIKE Because you asked me, remember? BARBARA When did I do that? MIKE On our first date. We were kissing and you whispered in my ear, “Hit me.” I did and we’ve been friends ever since. BARBARA I never told you to do it in front of my friends. MIKE OK, I got pissed. You let that stupid fagot Billy dressed in your clothes, dance on the coffee table. I paid a lot for that table. BARBARA I don’t see the point. MIKE That’s why you stay with me. BARBARA Anyway, I’ve got another guy that’s in love with me. MIKE Who’s the lucky adolescent? BARBARA You don’t know him. 59

MIKE He must be in the stupid theater group you joined up with. BARBARA How did you guess? MIKE Everywhere you go you wear that come and get me look. BARBARA Guys think I’m cute and approachable. MIKE Usable is more like it. INT. THEATER The Stage is set for another rehearsal. A dining table and chairs are in the middle of the stage. Ben is sitting at one end with the set designer rolling out drawings of the set to be built for the show. DIANE I think the feel of the 50’s is perfect for the show don’t you? BEN This is not a nostalgia play. DIANE Yes, but this will make a statement.

BEN The set should be simple. Contemporary. DIANE I’m an artist. That means I express what I feel about things. I have feelings. BEN I understand, but this set is a 60

1920’s steamship. DIANE OK, how about an adapted eclectic design, high tech and industrial revolution? BEN Like retro? DIANE Yeah. BEN I want simple retro. DIANE Think interior decorator. Diane rolls up the drawings and walks to the edge of the stage. DIANE, Get your coed to do it. Ben, I expect you’ll be back with a your brilliant designs. Right? Barbara walks from behind the stage door and stops at the edge of the stage. Danny is there and hears her enter. He turns and walks over to her. DANNY You’re early. BARBARA I want to talk to you. DANNY Sure. BARBARA I don’t think I’m going to be good at this. Maybe you should 61

look for somebody else. DANNY You have all the character for this. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. It’s just the jitters. BARBARA My boyfriend is angry with me. It’s got me upset. DANNY Oh? BARBARA He doesn’t want to marry me because I’m not spending enough time with him. All my friends are married now. Even Linda married to a doctor. DANNY Do you want to marry this guy? BARBARA Hell no. DANNY Then forget it. BARBARA I would, but he takes good care of me. DANNY What’s that mean?

BARBARA He takes me places I like to go. You know, ski trips, Mexico. DANNY You don’t have to marry him for that. BARBARA Yeah but, he buys me nice things, too. 62

Ben walks up interrupting the conversation. BEN Are you two ready to do the scene in the ships cabin? Start on page 61. BARBARA I read that last night before going to sleep. DANNY You know I’m always prepared. BEN Let’s do it. The ships cabin set is represented by a single bed, night stand, and chair. BEN This is the first time you have been alone together in a place where you can express your infatuation. I’d like you to take it slow. Barbara is standing beside Danny as he sits on the bed. Barbara strokes his hair. DANNY My mother was in one of her foul moods again this morning, so I gave her an extra couple of pills. I think she’ll sleep for an hour or so. BARBARA She has caused you a lot of grief. DANNY I just want her gone, so I can go on with my life. BARBARA How long has she been like this? DANNY Forever. 63

BARBARA Wow. You’d think she’d be dead of pickling by now. DANNY I’ve talked to more doctors than I care to remember and they all say the same thing. BARBARA She’s a drug addict, alcoholic? DANNY Yes, and it’s amazing she is still alive. One day she’ll take one too may downers and she’ll crash and die. BARBARA How horrible. DANNY It wasn’t so bad before I got into high school. Then I was afraid to bring anyone home. BARBARA I didn’t like to stay at home much either. They were always fighting. DANNY Why?

BARBARA My “Doctor” Dad was always looking at my girl friends. They just got uncomfortable. I told him to stop looking at them that way, but he wouldn’t. After a while I stopped asking them over. DANNY He must have been unhappy, too. 64

BARBARA Hold me. She takes his hand to her breast. He lies down and she joins him. They make love.

INT. SUSAN’S APARTMENT (NIGHT) Ben and Susan are at Susan’s apartment standing in the shower washing each other with soap. Ben puts shampoo in her hair and starts to rub it in. SUSAN Harder, rub it in harder. BEN Why do you always want me to do things differently than I’m doing them? SUSAN Because, I like to tell you what I want. BEN Just once, I would like to do something right from the start and not be interrupted in the process. SUSAN I think it’s more intimate to tell you how I feel. BEN How about just moaning or something. SUSAN I like that. See you’re learning. BEN Your right of course. Now can we get down to business? 65

EXT. MEXICAN CAFE (DAY) Susan, Barbara, Ben and Danny are sitting in an open courtyard Mexican restaurant ordering lunch. It’s a warm and sunny summer day. The waiter is taking lunch orders. He is tall and young. WAITER What drinks can I bring you today? SUSAN White wine. BARBARA Same. DANNY Beer. BEN Margarita on ice. No salt please. The waiter leaves to the bar. BEN (CONT’D) I’m looking for some grad students to help out with the play. Does anybody know of any prospects? SUSAN I think you’ve used up all the suckers I know. BEN No one wants to be in the theater business anymore. It’s easier to get a job as a lawyer. Why bust your chops? BARBARA The students have you figured out. BEN But, it’s credit. BARBARA Most guys do it, to meet other guys and women do it for fun. 66

BEN It’s a great chance to get to work on a production. SUSAN They don’t want to carry sets around and get yelled at by the stage manager. DANNY They don’t see the connection between that kind of abuse and success as an actor. BARBARA Not like we do. BEN I don’t violate the trust of my interns. SUSAN Really? BARBARA I don’t think I want to know. BEN I remember when it was cool to be in the theater department. SUSAN I know this professor and his wife. At first, she was in awe of what he did. Then, they got married and the reality slowly set in. BARBARA She’s ready for anything. SUSAN She’s afraid he’s a loser. But, she can’t openly admit it. BARBARA My generation has this art stuff 67

in perspective. The truth is it’s a game. Artists need a PR person more than good work. DANNY Then why do it? BARBARA I know only one in a thousand actors will ever make money at it. So why teach it in college? DANNY The point is that we’re crazy. We are looking for a way to work out the incomplete relationships we have experienced as a child. SUSAN Hold that thought Dr. Phil. I need another glass of wine. BEN Yeah, we are. That’s what makes it exciting. BARBARA So, when do you grow up? BEN Picasso said, “We are children looking for lost joy.”

BARBARA Isn’t anyone worried about those people in front of the theater, everyday? SUSAN I think they’re harmless. DANNY Yeah. 68

BARBARA I’m not so sure. But I’ve got protection. BEN You don’t look like the karate type to me. DANNY She’ll get you with her lipstick. SUSAN I never know what to expect anymore. The other day this man was hanging around the administration building checking out all the girls walking by. BEN You can’t blame that guy. He’s just doing what comes natural. SUSAN Anyway, this girl walks by and he tries to talk to her. I thought, what if he was a stalker? Barbara opens her purse and takes out a Smith & Wesson 38 and shows it to everyone.

BEN Do you know how to use that? BARBARA We’ve had guns in the house since I can remember. My dad showed me how to defend myself. SUSAN What if the thing goes off? 69

BARBARA There are no miss fires when you know how to handle a gun. She cocks the gun hammer. BARBARA Now imagine if I was a nut and I wanted better service. Waiter! DANNY It’s the equalizer. Barbara turns the gun to Danny’s gut and looks at him. BEN Don’t screw around with that thing. BARBARA I never screw around with a gun. SUSAN He’s still pissed about having been circumcised. DANNY I was only 1 day old. How would I remember. SUSAN Don’t move the gun.

BARBARA Are you angry at the doctor that cut the tip off in the hospital. BEN I have a friend in Florida that got his circumcision when he was 20 years old. DANNY 70

Oh, that must have hurt. BEN He’s a clean freak. Always washing himself. BARBARA I like a guy that knows how to take care of his pistola. Barbara holds up the gun and starts polishing it with a cloth napkin. BEN I thought he had gone to the hospital for a nose job. I went to his house to see him and he couldn’t stand up because it hurt so much. DANNY I wonder what they do with the skin. SUSAN Researchers grow new skin and ears in petri dishes with it now, it’s amazing. INT. THEATER Barbara is standing on stage facing Edna, in her wheel chair. EDNA I want you to know that you will never have a lasting relationship with Danny. BARBARA I don’t understand. We love one another. EDNA That will change in time. He doesn’t have time for you. He has other responsibilities. BARBARA 71

Like pushing you around? EDNA Taking care of a sick mother is important. BARBARA What if he doesn’t want to? EDNA He won’t stop, because he’ll loose all that’s waiting for him when I die. BARBARA I don’t want to come between you and Danny. EDNA No one has yet. Ben and Diane Raver are sitting in theater seats talking. DIANE I think it needs a little more sex. Don’t you? BEN Oh. DIANE Sex sells, on stage, on film. It doesn’t matter. Put some sex in the next scene. BEN What would you suggest?

DIANE I was thinking about Danny and Barbara late at night on the deck of the ship. BEN 72

Standing, sitting, or missionary? DIANE I’ll leave that to your creative genius. Diane opens a folder with the print ads for the play. DIANE Here look at the ads we’ve done. Ben looks at them. BEN Sex and the North Sea? DIANE Look, you’re finished as director here, so sit back, relax and spread them. INT. THEATER Danny and Barbara are standing on the theater stage. BARBARA I want to know how much you love me. I want you to prove it to me. DANNY I want to take care of you. BARBARA You can’t. Not now anyway.

DANNY You told me your father is gone all day, he doesn’t know what is happening. Just take what you want. BARBARA Please don’t talk about my dad that way. He’s a very important man. 73

DANNY I know. You don’t mind letting me wait for hours. Then, you call with some lame excuse. BARBARA That’s why I want to break it off for a while. I need time to get things together. DANNY I’m going down the road. I won’t wait around. BARBARA What about that girl you had in the room? DANNY She’s a cleaning person. Nothing happened. BARBARA Then why did she leave her ear rings on the night stand? DANNY I don’t know. Please don’t do this. BARBARA Until, your mother dies, you’re screwed. DANNY She doesn’t know what time of day it is. BARBARA Maybe, she needs a little push. DANNY What are you saying? BARBARA Let’s call it an exit strategy. 74

DANNY I can’t do that. How could I? BARBARA I know you hate her. But, you won’t after she’s gone. All the stuff she put you through will be forgotten. DANNY I don’t feel that way about her. BARBARA I can see it in your eyes, just go into her room when she’s sleeping. Pick up a pillow and do like so. DANNY You’re kidding? BARBARA No muss. No fuss. DANNY What if she starts to wiggle around and gets loose? She’s pretty strong. BARBARA Put extra sleeping pills in her drink before bed. What’s the difference? She’s out of it most of the time.

DANNY I confess, I’ve thought about it many times when she embarrasses me in front of someone. Then, when I see her looking at me I think “That’s your mother.” EXT. THEATER BACKSTAGE ENTRANCE (DAY) Ben meets Diane at the stage door as she takes a cigarette 75

break. BEN What’s up? DIANE We’ve got a little challenge for you. BEN I wish you wouldn’t use that word. DIANE What word? BEN Challenge. It implies that if I don’t want to deal with your problem I’m a wimp. DIANE Bill Park died last night. The Chancellor’s office called and they want to see the script. BEN What a pain in the stones. DIANE Bill was the moral compass and he loved the show. They want to make sure things are not going to blow up in their faces. With all the controversy.

BEN You were the one that started all this. I’m not making any more script changes. DIANE I don’t need you, to change the script. Diane turns and walks in the stage door. 76

EXT. THEATER PARKING LOT (DAY) Barbara Biggs and Danny McCoy are sitting in Danny’s 78’ MGB in the theater parking lot as Diane walks past talking to herself. BARBARA What was that? DANNY She’s always pissed about something. BARBARA You know, she’s going to give everything away to a tele evangelist. DANNY I’ve talked to my attorney about Mother and he advised me to put her in a nursing home. BARBARA If you want to have a life, you better do it now. I’m not waiting. DANNY What about my acting career? BARBARA With inheritance, who cares? DANNY I guess. INT. McCOY HOME (DAY) Edna McCoy is walking into the living room of her house aided by Sophia her day nurse. EDNA Thank you for all your kindness. My son should be taking better care of me. SOPHIA 77

I’ll never understand it. I’ve seen this situation over and over. It’s always the same. EDNA I need another drink and sleeping pills. SOPHIA Sure. In our family, we don’t have much, but we take care of the elders. The nurse walks to the bar and pours Edna a highball. EDNA I did everything to raise him up right. But, now when I need him, he’s chasing whores. SOPHIA Some young people have no respect. EDNA I want you to have something when I’m gone. For everything you’ve done. SOPHIA I could sure use it. I’ve been supporting my sick mother for almost 10 years now. EDNA See there, that’s what I mean. He wouldn’t lift a finger.

SOPHIA What would he do if he found out you’re leaving me something? EDNA I don’t know. But, when I’m gone he’ll have to get a job. I’m not leaving him anything. SOPHIA 78

Your new night nurse will be here about 8:00. I’ll stay to introduce you and show her around. EDNA I hope she is better than the last one they sent over. I need you to get some paper and a pencil. I want to write a letter to the religious editor at the Morning News. SOPHIA What are you going to say? EDNA It’s time this old lady told somebody about how I’m being treated by my son. Just to get it on the record.

INT. THEATER The theater stage is busy with set construction and painting. Stage hands are taking orders from the stage manager. Ben is sitting in the orchestra pit going over script notes. Barbara approaches and sits down next to him. BARBARA The crowd out front has thinned down. BEN Yeah. They aren’t getting the press coverage they expected.

Ben’s cellular phone goes off. He can hear it, but it’s buried under in his backpack and he digs around until he can feel it. BEN Hello! DIANE We need to make some more changes in the script. 79

BEN Like what? DIANE I want a murder in the first act. BEN What? That’s crazy. DIANE The board members agreed that you need to make the first act more exciting. BEN But, it doesn’t make any sense. DIANE Kill something! That will satisfy them. BEN Just when I was beginning to like you. INT. McCOY HOUSE(NIGHT) It is late at night at the McCoy house. Danny is in the kitchen mixing sugar and rat poison in a cup of warm milk. DANNY I’ve got some warm milk for you Mom. Would you like some cookies to go with it? EDNA Why are you being so nice to me? DANNY I know you sleep better when you have your warm milk. EDNA Maybe, I should skip it tonight. I haven’t been feeling good. I could be lactose intolerant. 80

I don’t think that’s the case. It’s likely to be the new pain prescription. You know, that stuff can be hard on the gut. Danny carries the tray with cookies and warm milk into Edna’s room. EDNA When are you going to take me to the doctor? I’ve been having a lot of gas. DANNY I’ll call tomorrow. EDNA I’m going to give that doctor a piece of my mind. DANNY He can’t wait, I’m sure. I hear you’ve been writing letters to the editors again. Is that true? EDNA So what? I have some rights you know? DANNY The last time, you thought that roaches were in your inner ear talking to you in tongues. Remember that? EDNA The doctor told me not to worry. It was only earwax. A large orange ball. He removed it. But, I think they were feeding on the wax and they left after it was removed. DANNY Get to bed we have a rehearsal 81

tomorrow. INT. THEATER STAGE The theater stage is arranged for the cruise ship’s dining room. Danny, Edna, and Barbara are sitting at a table. A woman singer is standing at the microphone stand. A piano player is sitting at his piano to accompany her. Danny is standing on the edge of the stage. The music rehearsal begins. SINGER We have a very special guest here with us tonight she is celebrating her 75th birthday. That’s a long time to be on this earth. And I hope you will all join me in giving her a big round of applause. I’d like to ask her to come up here an say a few words. Come on up Edna! Edna grabs her drink, takes a gulp and tries to wheel herself to the center stage microphone. Danny grabs the chair to stop her, but she pulls away. Barbara gets up, takes the wheelchair and pushes her to the microphone. The singer hands her the microphone. EDNA You’ll have to make allowances for this old lady. I’m not what I used to be. There was a time when I could have danced all night and frequently did so with my life long friend, lover, and dearly departed husband. His untimely death was totally unexpected. He was depressed after sobering up and took his own life. Barbara grabs the microphone from her before she can finish. She speaks to the audience. BARBARA Please excuse Edna, she has had a long day. 82

Barbara wheels her off the stage. Music comes up and the singer begins the song Sweet Violets. Barbara joins Danny at the table during the song. DANNY She is trying to get me. I think it’s time. She could roll off the deck into the water and never be seen again. BARBARA Not a bad plan, but she has the luck of the Irish. Someone might see you push her. There’s got to be away to blame the cruise ship for her death and sue them for millions. DANNY Really, this woman could live forever. My grandfather lived to be 102 and was sharp as a tack. The singer walks back to the microphone and tells the story of the North Sea Captain that disappeared in a storm one night. He returns once a year looking for his true love. SINGER In the 15 hundreds, a North Sea fishing boat captain named James Vergon was sailing in these waters. The ship attracted Norwegian bats known in mythology to be able to infect one with a fatal disease and reanimate the corpse with a single bite. They would come out to sea at this time every year. Once bitten, a person will have eternal life that slowly reverses the aging process. 83

It is said that James Vergon sails these waters in search of his soul mate. He is clever and dashing, many woman have offered themselves to him, but to this day his quest for her continues. His longing for her is what this next song is about. The singer sings the song of longing of Captain Vergon for his true love.

The stage goes black. Ben walks into a spotlight at center stage. BEN Then, later that night Edna meets Vergon in a dream state. She is enchanted and Vergon is likewise smitten. He promises that she will return to her youthful beauty and spend eternity with him. Stage lights go to black. Ben returns to his seat in the audience. In the moon light we see Danny and Barbara standing in the shadows behind a woman in a wheelchair. She is looking out at the open sea. BARBARA You grab one side and I’ll get the other. We’ll lift the chair and over the side she goes. DANNY I’m not sure I can do it. BARBARA Come on it’s like throwing out the trash. DANNY I can’t do it. 84

BARBARA Don’t be such a wimp! Do you want to hide behind your mother’s skirt forever? Follow me. DANNY Oh! They walk to each side of the wheelchair and lift. It’s a lot heavier than they had thought. Barbara isn’t strong enough to lift her side and they almost turn it over sideways. Danny manages to get it to the top of the railing and they push it over the side. There are no sounds from the wheelchair. BARBARA She must have been out cold from the sleeping pills and booze. DANNY Oh, my God what have I done? BARBARA You have freed yourself from a miserable old drunk. DANNY What should I do now? BARBARA Keep your mouth shut. We’ll report her missing in the morning. DANNY I need a drink. BARBARA Me too. They walk to the bar. As they get closer they hear Edna trying to sing with the piano player. EDNA I don’t remember so well anymore. 85

They see her in her chair talking and drinking. DANNY Jesus, am I seeing things? BARBARA I don’t think we’ll need to report this old lady missing. DANNY Who was that we just pushed overboard? BARBARA In the dark they all look the same. Danny walks over to Edna and holds her hand. DANNY It’s been a long night, don’t you think? EDNA Not for me. I feel like I’ve been rejuvenated. DANNY I’m surprised you can feel anything. The lights dim and Barbara stands in a spotlight.

BARBARA Plan B. I really don’t have another plan. I guess if we put our minds to it we can think of some way to get rid of her. We can drug her and push her over the railing, again. What about bad food from the midnight buffet? 86

The lights come up and we see Edna leaning over to kiss the piano player on the cheek. PIANO PLAYER Oh! She bit me. DANNY What the hell did you do? EDNA I just wanted a nibble. DANNY Sorry, I don’t think she meant it. She’s had a little to much to drink. Let’s get you to bed, Mother. Danny wheels her off the stage. Barbara leans over to the Piano Player. BARBARA Are you OK? PIANO PLAYER She has sharp teeth. I should get something extra for this, hazard pay. BARBARA You’re kind of cute, how about I buy you a drink and take care of that bite? PIANO PLAYER Do you bite too? BARBARA Yeah, but not on the neck. You know what I mean? Danny walks into a pool of light. DANNY When you meet a girl you never know what kind of person she is for about 87

a year or so. In the mean time ... there’s a kind of emotional limbo. Knowing that doesn’t help one bit, but it does help me feel less like a sucker. Center stage, Ben is sitting at a table with a lamp as the only lighting. BEN Sometimes, I wonder about the wisdom of marriage to someone you don’t know. The reason is, you think you have seen everything in a person, then you marry them only to discover that they’ve become their parent. It’s a ghastly sight to see a beautiful woman become her mother overnight. But, the hardest thing to accept is to feel yourself become your father. Diane walks up to Ben and pulls up a chair. DIANE I have more fan mail. Dear director and producer, It’s come to our attention that your new play is telling the story about how an older person is being cheated. It also portrays an older woman as a drunken degenerate and doesn’t reflect the behavior Diane (Cont.) of most older people. Clearly, you are dwelling on the seedy side of life to make a point. But, can’t you find another way to do this. We are offended. And we’ll be there opening night to protest. Sincerely, The Gray Panthers 88

BEN Is this one of your PR efforts? DIANE No, we’re getting the real thing now. BEN Is this when your PR backfires? DIANE Yes. I don’t know what to expect. The Board of Directors, is very concerned about this, but they also see the word of mouth value this controversy brings to the show. Everyone’s talking. BEN I suppose that’s good. But, what if someone gets pissed and they hurt someone? DIANE It’s just a play. Don’t worry. She gets up and walks off stage as Edna rolls to the table. EDNA I love the Norwegian Sea Captain I feel different. It’s never too late to fall in love. BEN So you’re really in love? EDNA Like never before. It gives me a new sense of peace and a feeling that we will live together forever. BEN He’s very mysterious, I’ve never seen him. What do you know about him? 89

EDNA I wish I had met him 25 years ago. He’s very clever you know. His name is Vergon. BEN You know he’s not real. I just made him up. EDNA That’s not true. I’ve been spending much of my time with him talking about all kinds of things. No sir, you’re mistaken. He’s as real as you and me. BEN OK, if you say so. EXT. SHIPS DECK (NIGHT) Barbara is standing on the ships deck looking out at the ocean. Danny comes to join her. DANNY I can see the wheels turning. BARBARA We’re running out of time. It’s now or never. DANNY Why don’t you do it? Everyone knows what I’m about and how I would benefit. BARBARA What is happening to her? She is looking better everyday. Younger, stronger, I don’t understand it. DANNY I know. She’s up all night and it doesn’t bother her. Also, she isn’t using the downers like she use to. 90

BARBARA Let’s get someone to do it. DANNY I heard that you could get someone killed for $500. BARBARA That doesn’t sound right. I think if should cost at least $1,500 or you won’t get a good job. DANNY I don’t want to spend that much. BARBARA Now isn’t the time to go on the cheap. I’ll ask around, see what the chances are of finding someone on the ship. DANNY There’s got to be a sailor that will do it. But, I can’t afford more than $1,500 that’s my limit. BARBARA Just think we’ll have all that money to play with. DANNY Yeah, but this is how we could get caught.

BARBARA If I’m going to show you how to do this, then I’m going to have the right to spend it. DANNY I don’t know about that. I’ve worked a long time to get to this point. BARBARA 91

Tell me about it. DANNY My business has grown over the years, because I worked at it. BARBARA Edna told me that you always come to her for money to bail yourself out. DANNY She shouldn’t be talking about my business. BARBARA What if the ship goes down? DANNY What about us? I’m not a strong swimmer. BARBARA If we know it’s sinking we’ll be the first ones on the life boat. DANNY I thought women and children go first. BARBARA We’ll have a wedding onboard and that night, the ship goes down. You’ll be guaranteed a seat on a boat. DANNY Who’s wedding? BARBARA Don’t you want to marry me? DANNY I think it’s too soon. BARBARA So, you want me to do all the 92

work, but you don’t want any commitment? DANNY Don’t we need a marriage license? BARBARA We can get the Captain to do the wedding. No problem. DANNY Can I think about it? BARBARA If you want to wait, there’s lots of guys out there that think I’m hot. It’s sink or swim. DANNY Very funny. How are we going to sink this ship? That’s got to be a big problem. BARBARA I’ll ask the Captain. Run along and check on Edna. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Danny walks away dejected and almost runs into the piano player. PIANO PLAYER Isn’t that your boyfriend?

BARBARA He’s my fiancée. My wannabe future ex-husband. PIANO PLAYER We see a lot of failed romances on these cruises. On the Caribbean cruises we do a lot of weddings. BARBARA Yeah, I was going to ask the 93

Captain about doing a wedding for us before we get to port. PIANO PLAYER Where are you thinking about doing it? BARBARA In the ballroom. What do you think? PIANO PLAYER I’m sure he’ll do it whenever you like. It’s the least we can do for a lovely young bride. In fact, I’ll be happy to play for you for a small fee. BARBARA How about a deposit? She takes his arm and they stroll off across the deck. Ben is sitting behind the desk at center stage in a pool of light. BEN Sinking a ship that is 354 feet long is no small feat. There’s a lot to consider. But, the most important thing is doing it so that the shipping company is neglectful, so that the insurance company will pay for any loss of life.

Diane approaches the table. DIANE I’ve decided to ask for a divorce. BEN Why now? DIANE I’m sick of the charade. It’s time to move on. 94

BEN You’ll get a divorce, go buy a new red convertible, and run up your credit cards. DIANE OK, you talked me out of it. BEN There, wasn’t that easy? DIANE I’m sorry I’ve been such an bitch. I didn’t want you to think I was a pushover. BEN You were trained to be tough. DIANE I want to be in charge. Women are better in stressful situations. BEN What do you mean? DIANE Whenever there’s a disagreement, we work things out first before beating the crap out of each other. BEN But, in matters of the heart... DIANE That’s a whole other animal. BEN Most women want the two S’s. Sex and Security. The love stuff is just what men want to think. DIANE Don’t tell the others. 95

INT. EDNA’S CABIN (NIGHT) In Edna’s cabin, Barbara is looking through the luggage. She opens a small box and removes a string of pearls. She holds them up to her neck and admires herself in the mirror. BARBARA Asian I suppose, tedious work for oysters. Danny walks in the door and saw Barbara playing with the pearls. DANNY What the hell do you think you’re doing? BARBARA Just playing a game of fish. DANNY What? BARBARA Fish stupid. That’s what will be swimming around in here, a whole school of them. DANNY Put that back and let’s get out of here.

BARBARA Not yet I’m not finished. You can tell a lot about a woman by looking at her stuff. Here, look at this diamond pin. Some what out of style. But, in it’s day, very amusing. DANNY I don’t think she’ll be amused to see you going through her jewelry. BARBARA 96

Oh, what’s this? A photo of your father? DANNY Don’t drop it. (reaching for photo knocks it from her hand) 97 Barbara drops the framed photo to the floor and the glass breaks. DANNY (CONT’D) Now look what you have done. BARBARA Lighten up, you’d think it was the Holy Grail. DANNY She will have a fit. BARBARA So, what. She doesn’t know what’s happening anyway. Just blame the careless porter. There’s no harm done. Relax. DANNY Got a cigarette?

BARBARA No dummy. You don’t smoke. OK! I’ve got things arranged. We’ll be married tomorrow afternoon in the Grand Ball Room. DANNY Won’t your mother and dad get up set that you didn’t invite them? BARBARA Of course they’ll feel really left 97

out. When they get over it, my mom will give me a big wedding at their country club. They’re prepared for the worst.

Danny opens the door and looks down the hallway. A waiter rolls a room service cart down the hall. They wait till the he’s out of sight before leaving. SHIP’S DOCTOR’S OFFICE (DAY) The ship’s doctor is examining Edna in the health room. EDNA I’ve been having these dreams where I’m bitten by bats that fly into my room. See here, Look at these bites. DOCTOR Yes, it could be. But, there are no bats out here in the middle of the ocean. That’s just a myth. EDNA I did meet the Captain James Vergon when I was out on deck the other night. DOCTOR Are you on any psychotropic drugs? Anti-depressants or sleeping pills? EDNA I need them to help me sleep. DOCTOR So, you are traveling with your son? EDNA Yes. Well I haven’t seen him in days. I’ve been up all night. I can’t seem to get to sleep. 98

DOCTOR I think we better give you something stronger to help you get some rest. EDNA I think that would be wise. DOCTOR You could have scratched your neck with those long finger nails. EDNA No, those are the bat bites, I tell you. DOCTOR Of course it is. Here take this, I’ll get you some water. INT. SHIPS WHEELHOUSE (DAY) Barbara and Danny are visiting the ships wheel house to meet with the Cruise Ships Captain. CAPTAIN Look at the 10 black and white photos mounted across the top of the window. They show the sea from this point of view. BARBARA Interesting. About the wedding plans, I thought it would be good to have the ceremony about 1:00pm? DANNY Yeah, that would be good. CAPTAIN Let’s say 2:30. After the food service has finished it’s shift. BARBARA Whatever. CAPTAIN I think you’ll be very happy with 99

the affair. Everyone else has been pleased with the way we do things. DANNY What’s this for? ( Looking at a computer.) BARBARA Can this ship sink? CAPTAIN Well yes. But, Northern Star is a new generation cruise ship. It’s naval architects were mindful of the Titanic sinking and things have changed since that tragic event. That’s not going to happen here. BARBARA What your saying is that it is impossible? CAPTAIN In theory, no. The nature of a ship is to want to displace water with it’s weight. BARBARA What if there’s a hole? What then? CAPTAIN The only way that can happen is if we were to open the sea cocks. BARBARA Sea cocks? CAPTAIN It’s like a plug in a bathtub, you open the plug and the water rushes out. In this case it rushes in. No, the biggest danger on this ship is fire. BARBARA I get your drift. 100

CAPTAIN So, it’s agreed we will prepare for the wedding tomorrow. Very romantic. DANNY Thank you for your time Captain. Let’s run along sweetheart. BARBARA Watch out for the icebergs? DANNY Just kidding. EXT. DECK (NIGHT) Danny and Barbara are walking down the deck in the moon light talking. BARBARA Don’t you think it’s strange that no one has missed the person in the wheelchair? DANNY I’m not worried. I’m terrified. I feel like everyone’s looking at me, as if they saw us do it, but aren’t quite sure.

BARBARA It just goes to show how easy it’s going to be to get rid of your mother. DANNY Now, she’s telling everyone she’s been bitten by bats. But, the ships doctor thinks it’s hallucinations or dementia. BARBARA 101

Who cares. It doesn’t matter, she’ll just disappear after the wedding. Never to be seen again. DANNY Now what are you up to? I thought you were going to sink the ship. BARBARA The whole sea cock thing is too much trouble. I have another idea. DANNY Well? BARBARA If I tell you it will spoil the surprise. INT. SHIPS BALLROOM (DAY) The ships ballroom is filled with people eating finger food and drinking cheap Champagne. The room is decorated with colorful balloons. The band is playing as Danny and Edna arrive. EDNA Champagne is all they have? DANNY Come on Mom don’t trash my wedding day.

EDNA You know I don’t care who you marry. I have my own plans for the future. DANNY I can’t wait. EDNA I’m in love with Capt. James Vergon. DANNY 102

That’s just a story. He’s not real. EDNA Tomorrow night we’ll be in Stavanger and I’m meeting him there. DANNY Right. EDNA Where’s the wide bride? DANNY What? She’s beautiful. EDNA I see a little baby fat just under her chin. DANNY Don’t say anything. EDNA Looks like a starch bomb to me. I’ve seen her with the cheese cake. DANNY Please.

EDNA Cute fat deposits that look harmless enough, but when she’s about 35 boom, she’ll explode. DANNY Here, this is our table. Stay put, I’ll be back. The piano player joins her at the table. 103

PIANO PLAYER You look lovely tonight Edna. What would you like from the bar? EDNA Scotch on the rocks. Make it a double. I need a little lift. PIANO PLAYER I hear you. EDNA They don’t know that James Vernon is a real man. They think I’m a old joke that you laugh at when my back is turned. Stupid people. (She is talking to herself.) The Piano Player returns with the drinks and sits in a chair next to Edna. EDNA You do know that Vergon is a wonderful man? PIANO PLAYER James Vergon? The Norwegian Captain? EDNA You don’t think he’s walking about?

PIANO PLAYER That would be a very big trick. EDNA I’m going off with him tonight. PIANO PLAYER That’s nice. Excuse me I’ve got to go back to the bandstand. ( Edna grabs his hand and bites at the veins.) 104

PIANO PLAYER Ouch! That hurt. Let go. ( He pulls his hand away with surprise.) EDNA Tasty. PIANO PLAYER I’m bleeding. Jesus. EDNA Wash it down with a little scotch. ( She takes a gulp.) INSIDE STATE ROOM (DAY) Barbara is in her stateroom with Danny dressing for the wedding. Her white dress is simple but elegant. She is admiring herself. BARBARA The old bag has met her match. A perfect day for a disappearance. DANNY I think I’m going to loose my lunch.

BARBARA It will be over in no time. Breath deeply and try to relax. Stay here, I’ve got one thing to do. Stay put for 20 minutes, then meet me in the ballroom. DANNY OK. (She walks out the door.) 105

INT. THE BALLROOM (DAY) The ballroom is alive with laughter and people are dancing to the music. The Captain walks up to the microphone on the bandstand. The band stops. CAPTAIN We’re here today to witness the union of two youngsters. I hope all of you will share in the moment. After the ceremony we’ll continue the music, dancing, and refreshments. Danny come up here and join me. (Danny makes his way though the crowd) CAPTAIN (CONT’D) Barbara please join us. ( The band plays, “Here comes the bride.”) (Barbara throws kisses to everyone as she meets them.) BARBARA Thank you all for coming to my wedding. CAPTAIN You are about to begin a journey that will be as beautiful as any experience can be. There will be times when emotions will flare like a North Sea storm. But, remember that it won’t last long. You have chosen your course as fate CAPTAIN (Cont.) would have it. That can’t be denied. Danny do take this woman to be your bride? DANNY Is this legal? (Whispers) BARBARA Yes, I think it is. 106

DANNY Oh. Yes I do. CAPTAIN Barbara Biggs, do you take this man to be your lawful husband? BARBARA Yes, I do. CAPTAIN Then by the power invested in me by International Maritime Law, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Turn around. You may kiss the bride. ( They kiss and turn to the crowd.) I give you Mr. and Mrs. McCoy. ( Everyone applauds. ) Barbara and Danny kiss and leave the bandstand to join Edna at the head table the Captain follows. DANNY I feel sea sick. BARBARA Stop complaining. We’re almost there. DANNY I don’t want to sit with her right now. Let’s dance. ( The music comes up ) The fire alarm sounds off as smoke enters the ballroom. Everyone stands still as the band stops. The Captain goes back to the microphone. CAPTAIN I want very one to remain calm. Go to your fire station and get a life preserver and remain on deck. I will make announcements as I gather information. Please stay calm. 107

DANNY What the hell. BARBARA Why don’t you go sit with your mother. EDNA FIRE! FIRE! DANNY Stop screaming. You know I have sensitive ears. The passengers start to run for the doors pushing each other out of the way. EXT. ON SHIPS DECK (DAY) Barbara pushes her way out to the deck to see the thick black smoke pouring out the starboard side of the ship. People are trying to get the lifeboats uncovered and ready to be lowered into the icy North Sea. Danny tries to settle Edna down. DANNY They know what they are doing. EDNA Take me to the fresh air. The smoke is killing me in here.

INT. SHIPS KITCHEN (DAY) Danny rolls her out through the kitchen to the deck. People are absolutely panicked. They are running around trying to find loved ones. Barbara greets them. BARBARA Thank goodness your all right. Come over here I’ve got life vests for you. Here put one on. The wind shifts and the smoke envelopes them. 108

BARBARA Edna, hold my hand. DANNY I can’t see you. EXT. SHIPS DECK (DAY) In the thick of the smoke, Barbara is pushing Edna to the railing. Edna is putting up a fight. EDNA I don’t want to go. Let go of me. BARBARA It’s time for us to abandon the ship. Barbara gets up on the railing and pulls Edna up to the top rail. Edna is hanging on to her and looking down at the water in terror. Barbara continues to pull her up to the top. Edna pushes her back and Barbara loses her grip. Barbara tumbles backwards toward the sea screaming. She disappears into the smoke. DANNY Barbara! EDNA She tried to push me over the rail, so I shoved her.

DANNY You pushed her in? EDNA It was her or me. Danny runs off through the smoke toward the stern of the ship. INT. THEATER 109

Inside the theater Ben and Diane are sitting in seats looking toward the stage. DIANE Tonight I want everyone to be wired for their best performance. BEN They’re all doing so well I’m afraid to change anything. Susan enters the theater and joins them. SUSAN How are things going? BEN Great. I think. Butterflies. SUSAN Everything will come together. BEN It’s too late to change much without derailing this thing. DIANE I think Edna is getting a bit too authentic. BEN That’s just Edna’s thing. She really gets into it. DIANE The Gray Panthers are coming. BEN Oh no, I don’t want them around when the Board is here. DIANE I had to make a deal to get them calmed down. They want to shut down the production. It was the best I could do. 110

BEN Sounds like your PR backfired as you predicted. SUSAN I’m going home, see ya. EXT. SHIPS DECK (EVENING) The deck of the Norwegian Cruise ship is empty. All the passengers are in lifeboats. EXT. LIFE BOAT (EVENING) Danny and Edna are sitting in a lifeboat with 9 other passengers. WOMAN PASSENGER I hope we don’t have to stay here much longer. EDNA Shut up , I’m sick of your complaining. You missed a meal. My son lost his bride. DANNY I’m in hell. This is no way to spend your wedding night. WOMAN PASSENGER I’m sorry I didn’t know. EDNA What’s that noise. CREWMAN #1 That’s my radio. It looks like we’re being ordered back to the ship. CREWMAN #2 The fire is contained. Over. CREWMAN #1 111

Do you want me to start back to the ship? Over. EDNA Just in time for the buffet. CREWMAN #2 The fire was in the cleaning supply room just a lot of smoke. The Captain wants us back on board. Over. EDNA I need a cigarette. CREWMAN #1 I guess it’s OK. WOMAN How can we stand the smell of smoke after what we’ve just been through. DANNY Don’t you feel anything for poor Barbara? EDNA Now, I need a drink. Hurry driver. I think I’m going to jump in and swim the rest of the way before the fog closes in. CREWMAN #1 Maybe she was picked up by another life boat. We won’t know till we get back to the ship and have roll call and search the ship. EDNA She tried to push me overboard So, I figure she deserves what ever she gets. 112

DANNY She wouldn’t do that. EDNA I’m not that strong, but, I have a trick or two left in me. INT. HALLWAY TO CABIN. Edna and Danny make their way to Edna’s cabin. He pushes her in and turns to the door. EDNA Where are you going? DANNY I’ve got to find out what happened to Barbara. EDNA Oh, yeah. Your new bride. DANNY What if she got rescued? EDNA Would you get me the pain pills from my purse?

EXT. SHIPS DECK (NIGHT) The Captain is talking to a large group gathered on deck.

CAPTAIN The fire was nothing but toilet paper rolls that were smoldering and giving off a lot of smoke. We wanted to play it safe so, we got you all off the ship as a precaution. DANNY I’m looking for my wife. Has anybody seen her? 113

CAPTAIN We are looking for all missing. There’s a lot of confusion now, but we are doing a cabin to cabin search. Hopefully, she just got lost up in all the excitement. She’s got to be here somewhere. DANNY I’m going to look for her myself. CAPTAIN OK. I can’t stop you but, don’t get in the way of my crew. DANNY I hear you. Danny walks off down the ships deck. CAPTAIN In a few minutes we will be calling out names of people that have been reported missing. Chances are your missing person will show up at the ballroom then.

WOMAN Is the buffet going to be open as usual, I’m getting hungry. My doctor calls it CED, compulsive eating disorder and a spastic colon. I can’t help it, I get stomach cramps, gas and diarrhea when I get excited. CAPTAIN We wouldn’t want that. Yes, we 114

will have food service at usual times. On behalf of the crew, thank you for your cooperation. INT. EDNA’S CABIN. (NIGHT) Edna is sleeping in her bed with all but the night light off. The cabin door opens and Barbara pokes her head in. She looks around to see Edna asleep. She closes the door and moves closer. She picks up a seat cushion and puts it over Edna’s face muffling her scream and holds it there until she stops thrashing about. EXT. SHIP’S DECK. (NIGHT) Danny is walking along and saw Barbara coming toward him. DANNY It’s you. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Are you OK? BARBARA Yes. I fell into the water and got picked up by a crewman that happened to be taking a break and smoking a cigarette on the lower level deck. DANNY What luck. Saved by a cigarette. BARBARA I got to tell you that water is cold. I earned my half today. It’s done. She’s history.

DANNY What? I just left Mom in the cabin. She is asleep. BARBARA I couldn’t take any more chances. So, I cut off the air supply. Like this. 115

DANNY You really did it. I can’t believe it. I’m free. Did she suffer a lot? BARBARA Nah. Just a few kicks and it was over. Not much to it. DANNY Did any one see you come out of the cabin? BARBARA No. You need to discover the body soon. Are you up to it? DANNY Do I have to? BARBARA Just go to a house phone and ask for help, say you found her dead in bed. They’ll think all the excitement killed her. INT. EDNA’S CABIN. (NIGHT) Crewmen and Doctor are looking around for Edna. Danny and Barbara are waiting in the hall way. INT. SHIP’S HALLWAY. Barbara is holding Danny to comfort him as the doctor opens the door of the cabin. DOCTOR Didn’t you say she was dead in bed? She’s not there. You must have been mistaken. BARBARA You mean she’s gone? DANNY She looked dead the last time I saw her. 116

DOCTOR My guess is she’s at the buffet with the rest of the old folks. Sometimes these older people can have all the signs of death and be very much alive. I’ve see it before. You need to get out of those wet clothes Mrs. and dry your hair. I don’t want you getting sick. BARBARA Thanks, let’s go. INT. SHIP’S HALLWAY Barbara grabs Danny and they walk down the hall way. DANNY Where is she? BARBARA Let’s check the lounge. DANNY But, you said she didn’t move. Didn’t you check? BARBARA I thought she was dead. DANNY Why didn’t you check? BARBARA I’ve never done this before what do you expect. DANNY I wasn’t being critical. BARBARA Yes, you were. I could hear it in your voice. Passive aggressive. DANNY 117

What’s that suppose to mean? BARBARA Don’t act dumb, you know. INT. THEATER LOBBY.(NIGHT) Everyone is dressed to kill for the opening night performance. Ben and Susan are working their way throughout the crowd as they walk out for intermission. They meet Diane and her husband. BEN How wonderful you look together. I want to savor the moment. SUSAN Stop it, they know you. DIANE All too well, I’m afraid. This is my husband Ted. TED It’s a pleasure. I’ve heard a lot about you. DIANE I think the board members are happy so far. BEN Oh. Watch out, here comes the Captain of the Gray Panthers. DIANE Don’t say anything, I’ll handle this. GRAY PANTHER It looks like you have been infected with the disease peculiar to your generation. You portray this old lady as a crazy, disposable person. 118

DIANE But, we don’t. She very resilient don’t you agree. BEN Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve taken a good dump? The Gray Panther punches Ben in arm. GRAY PANTHER There. How’s that feel. BEN That hurt. DIANE OK boys. That’s enough. SUSAN Let’s head back to our seats. BEN Catch you later old man. INT. THEATER LOBBY (NIGHT) Ben and Susan make their way back to their seats. Diane stays to talk with the Gray Panther. DIANE So, What do you want?

GRAY PANTHER We want people to show respect for us, like other cultures do with their elders. DIANE This is just entertainment. GRAY PANTHER We have some unique qualities that we bring to every life 119

situation. One is experience. DIANE What you could do, is create a play for older people. GRAY PANTHER Would you consider producing it? DIANE Sure! Why not. INT. THEATER Ben and Susan are sitting and talking. The curtain rises. BEN That old fart has a punch. SUSAN He used to own the health food store on 3rd Ave. It’s gone down hill since he sold it. BEN What’s he so angry about? SUSAN That’s just his nature. He would invite you to his juice bar and make you a special drink mixture from…

SUSAN (Cont.) fruit juice to carrots, whatever he thought you needed. If you didn’t drink all of it, he would throw you out. BEN He reminds me of my ex-father in-law, when he gave me the evil eye. SUSAN 120

Evil eye?

EXT. SHIPS DECK. (NIGHT) Diane and Danny are standing on the deck looking out at the ocean. BARBARA We’ll be in Stavanger in a few hours. Then, they can search the ship properly. DANNY With my luck she’s become one of those undead we’ve been told about. BARBARA That’s just a story, told to make the trip more interesting. DANNY They say they are living all around us. But, we can’t see them. You know when you smell something familiar, but it’s not anywhere around you and your hair stands up? BARBARA Yeah. DANNY That’s them messing with you. BARBARA She’s got you and she’s not going to let go, even in death. DANNY It’s very frightening to think she could live forever, teasing me. Digging at me with those finger nails. BARBARA 121

What? DANNY She’d love to see me suffer when she would pinch me on the wrist. BARBARA She somehow got out of the cabin and left. DANNY But, the wheelchair was still there in the room. BARBARA Then, someone had to have helped her. DANNY I’m sure it was that Vergon guy. BARBARA No way, you’re just spooked. Listen to what you’re saying. That’s impossible. DANNY That’s what I use to think too. BARBARA Well then, we just have to hammer a wooden stake through her heart. DANNY I couldn’t do it. BARBARA I don’t think I could either. But if it’s true, we’ve got to do it. DANNY Are you sure she was? I can’t even bring myself to say it. BARBARA I told you, I didn’t check. 122

But, her tongue was sticking out like this and her eyes were bugging out. DANNY OK, did you get the pearls and diamonds? BARBARA Yes. Maybe Vergon is really after her. These tales get started somewhere. DANNY Yeah! BARBARA If she’s just missing, a will wouldn’t be useful for a long time. DANNY I’ll call my lawyer. He’ll know what to do. BARBARA All we need is the body. INT. THEATER A large sign is on the stage it reads, (TO BE CONTINUED) IN THE AUDIENCE. Ben and Susan are looking at each other. SUSAN What are you doing? To be continued? DANNY It’s an academic professionals magic trick. SUSAN It’s called? 123

BEN It’s called job security.

FADE TO BLACK

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