1.docx

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Red = mistake

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Green = fixed

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Yellow = could be better

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Blue = a better option

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Purple = spelling

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion Original

Opinions regarding the subjects to be taught in universities are widely divergent. x While some people believe that students should be given the opportunity to learn the subjects of their choice, I side with those who feel that universities should only concentrate on teaching subjects that will be relevant in the future.

Rewrite

Opinions regarding the subjects being taught in universities are widely divergent. However, while some people believe that students should be given the opportunity to learn the subjects of their choice, I side with those who feel that universities should only concentrate on teaching subjects that will be relevant in the future.

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This is a great introduction. You have paraphrased well and addressed the question. 😊

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This is an ongoing process, so use present continuous.  Opinions regarding the subjects to be taught in universities  Opinions regarding the subjects being taught in universities Improve this further by adding a “however” for contrast at the beginning of your second sentence.

Original

On the one hand, it could be argued that students must be given the freedom to study subjects of their choice for a few reasons. Advocates of this view might argue that it will possibly create a natural motivation among students to concentrate on their studies. As students are studying only the subjects that interests them, they are more likely to do well and score high marks in their examination. Moreover, giving students the right to choose their subjects is believed to make them more happier. Research, for example, show that students tend to feel happy and relaxed when they study only the subjects that matters to them. If students only studied the subjects of their interest in universities, they would feel more happier in their life. There is a lot of repetition here! See my comments below.

Rewrite

On the one hand, it could be argued that students must be given the freedom to study subjects of their choice for a few reasons. Some might argue that it will possibly create a natural motivation among students to concentrate on their studies. As students are studying only the subjects that interest them, they are more likely to do well and score high marks in their examination. Moreover, x research shows that students tend to feel happy and relaxed when interested in what they are learning. Therefore, if students only study those subjects, they should feel x happier and thus achieve better results.

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Good topic sentence. 😊

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Subject/verb agreement o the subjects that interests them / the subjects that interest them o Research, for example, show / Research, for example, shows o the subjects that matters to them. / the subjects that matter to them. Comparatives Remember that when you compare with ANY word that ends in -er, you must never also use “more” because -er means more!!! Only use “more” then it is creating the comparison i.e. when your adjective is more than 3 syllables and DOES NOT end in -er!!! This is important!!!  

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make them more happier. make them happier. Distancing. Well done for using distance, but you don’t have to add distancing before very idea. I think that it is enough to have “One the one hand, it could be argued” in the topic sentence, and “some people also think” before the 2 idea – that is enough. More starts to feel unnatural. Repetition. You have repeated the same idea THREE times for your 2nd argument. Remember, for an argument to be extended you need to add to it, not just say the same thing again! nd

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a. giving students the right to choose their subjects is believed to make them more happier. b. students tend to feel happy and relaxed when they study only the subjects that matters to them. c. If students only studied the subjects of their interest in universities, they would feel more happier in their life. By rewording your ideas, and using linking words to show relationship between the research and the result, you have a more cohesive argument:  Moreover, x research shows that students tend to feel happy and relaxed when interested in what they are learning. Therefore, if students only study those subjects, they should feel x happier and thus achieve better results.

Original

On the other hand, I strongly believe that universities should only include those subjects that would be useful in the future in their curriculum. Firstly, learning only these subjects would boost the employment opportunities for students, once they graduate. For instance, todays job market highly favours students from x STEM background, and there are high chances for a student to have better future if he specialises in subjects from this streams. Furthermore, in my opinion, Is this your opinion or is it FACT? graduates from scientific streams are often paid higher salaries compared to people from nonscientific backgrounds. As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age , and it would help them to lead a stress-free life.

Rewrite

Nevertheless, I strongly believe that universities should only include those subjects that would be useful in the future in their curriculum. Firstly, learning only these subjects would boost the employment opportunities of students, once they graduate. For instance, today’s job market highly favours students from a STEM background, and students who specialise in these subjects have a greater possibility of a brighter future. Furthermore, x graduates from scientific streams are often highly paid compared to people from non-scientific backgrounds. As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age ,helping them to lead a stressfree life.

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You have some great topic specific vocabulary here. Good topic sentence. You have included a good example that directly relates to your argument. 😊

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Transition marker. “Nevertheless” or “However” are better transition signals here because you are presenting your opinion: “despite the arguments on the other side, I BELIEVE….”

Nevertheless, I strongly believe that universities should only include those subjects that would be useful in the future in their curriculum. We could do with a relative clause and some more complex language to communicate this idea more effectively. o and there are high chances for a student to have better future if he specialises in subjects from this streams. o and students who specialise in these subjects have a greater possibility of a brighter future. Compared to You can’t use a comparative adjective with “compared to”, they mean the same thing. You can change this structure in one of two ways: o graduates from scientific streams are often paid higher salaries compared to people from non-scientific backgrounds. o graduates from scientific streams are often paid higher salaries than people from non-scientific backgrounds. Straightforward comparative structure.. Higher...than o graduates from scientific streams are often highly paid non comparative adjective compared to people from non-scientific backgrounds. Mixed tenses. You have mixed a current situation/truth (they attain financial stability at a younger age) with a hypotetical future (it would help them….). This causes some confusion for the reader. o As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age ,and it would help them to lead a stress-free life. o As a result, they attain financial stability at a younger age ,helping them to lead a stress-free life. o

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Original

In conclusion, although studying only interesting subjects can help the students to get better grades, I believe that concentrating on scientific and technological subjects helps the students to build a better future. Therefore, On balance, I strongly believe that priority in university curriculum should be given to relevant subjects in the future.

Rewrite

In conclusion, although studying subjects of interest can help x students to get better grades, I believe that concentrating on scientific and technological subjects helps them to build a better future. Therefore, on balance, I strongly believe that priority in university curriculums should be given to relevant subjects in the future.

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This is a well written conclusion. Good range of grammar in here. Well done. 😊 Articles o help the students / help x students Referencing - Use a pronoun where possible to avoid repetition.

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helps the students to build / helps them to build.

Band score and comments Task response

Coherence & cohesion

7.0/8.0 You have addressed the question fully and have given good arguments for both sides. However, the repetition in your first BP means that the argument is not really fully extended. 7.0

You have good topic sentences and your essay is well organised. You have used transition signals relatively well, but this could be improved. Referencing could also be used better to avoid repetition.

Lexical resource

7.0/8.0 Some great topic specific vocabulary and awareness of collocations. Occasional overuse of some vocabulary.

Grammar

6.0/7.0 There are some good complex sentences, but on some occasions, you have missed the opportunity to include more complex structures. There are too many mistakes with subject/verb agreement, articles and comparatives to get a clear 7.0 here.

Overall band score

7.0 This will easily be a 7.5 if you sort out those grammar mistakes. Try to improve referencing and avoid repetition.

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