10-8-08 Issue
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The Davidsonian
The Real Perspectives Section
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
6
Listen to Walt; false advertising See page 6
the other perspectives section
October 8, 2008
Union Bored: Saturday 10pm-1am!! See page 3
Suicide bomber protests lack of health care
See page 11
Health Center tells insomniac to get some sleep, come back in a week See page 2
Your Davidson Honor Section
Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt Staff Writers: Alex Greening Josh Tobin Photo Credits: Eddie Hickman Pat McGovern
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.
Mental Health Group on Campus Holds “Disturbia” Party This weekend the now-vacant Pi Kappa Alpha house played host to a “Disturbia” party for campus mental health organization, Changing Minds. The party was well-attended but seemed to lack the confidence and positivity of the other fetes on the Court. Daniel Bride ’09 explained the motivation for such an event. “We want to raise awareness most of all,” he said. “It’s too bad that most parties gloss over standard addictions and psychological complexes. It’s as though for the duration of most parties, students try and forget about their problems.” The Disturbia Party first caused problem for the paranoid schizophrenics. A strange bartender served drinks that “could easily have been tampered with.” The music selection focused on objectifying women and glorifying material objects. However, an appearance by the Davidson College Police Department caused minor problems as officers helped to reinforce various conspiracy theories by awkwardly standing and gazing at the party-goers. In related news, the belligerence and offensive outbursts of a firstyear student in the Outpost appear to be related to Bud Light and MD 20/20 rather than bipolar disorder.
Minotaur Added to College’s Labyrinth I’ve seen many a student blindsided, gored and disemboweled by a midterm.,” he said. “I tell them to do their homework, keep up with their notes and use a ball of twine to map their way, but they always get massacred anyway.”
The Minotaur will keep students alert and intellectually engaged. Initially conceived of as a picturesque stress-reliever, the college’s labyrinth will take on more challenging dimensions with the introduction of a 450-pound half-man, half-bull. According to Dean of Students Tim Stancil, the fifty-square-foot maze of Minotaur-less 180-degree turns was a laudable idea, but ultimately not challenging enough for a student body that averaged 690 on the SAT math section. Professor of Psychology Edward Martin sees the Minotaur/ labyrinth paradigm as a metaphor for the classroom environment. “During my twenty years here,
“Students are advised to enter the labyrinth with a ball of twine, so that they can definitely find their way out.” The labyrinth can still be a place for quiet reflection, says College Chaplain Bob Schlapp. Students should simply be mindful that too much quiet reflection can lead to complacency, at which point they are liable to be mauled by a massive mythological beast with the testosterone count of most collegiate football programs. When asked for comment, Dan Killian ’09 was quoted as saying, “At least the economy is doing really well, so we can afford giant stone labyrinths.” Students are advised to enter the labyrinth with a ball of twine, so they can find their way out.
Social Calendar and Crier Still Not Talking as Formatting Feud Takes a Personal Turn The Social Calendar, a relatively new member of the Davidson College community, was publicly denounced by The Crier Wednesday for its unwillingness to “move away from its immature third-grade appearance.” The Crier was furious with The Social Calendar’s desire to continue receiving outside funding from its sponsors, Crayola Crayons and Lifesavers Candy. “No matter what The Social Calendar manages to consume during its worthless existence between Monday and Wednesday of every week, it always manages to vomit out a putrid display of size, color and font for me to struggle through every Thursday through Sunday,” commented the well-established Crier. Receiving an extensive makeover last spring with the aid of an Art Department grant, The Crier has made significant changes to its structure. This occurred soon after exten-
sive marketing reports determined the average reader is actually more interested in the content of the information than the shade of fuchsia used to convey the message.
“‘The ability to alter colors between lines simply does not impress me any more,’ noted a more reflective Crier.” However, The Social Calendar released a statement making it clear that it will continue using neon colors combined with an all-caps “Wingdings” font in order to grab the attention of its readers. The fact that Wingdings is a nearly illegible font based on the Sanskrit alphabet has not affected the Social Calendar’s aesthetics in the least, nor has the incredible difficultry of reading neon yellow
on a white background. “The ability to alter colors between lines simply does not impress me anymore,” noted a more reflective Crier, wearing a standard size 12 paired with a traditional Times New Roman font. An e-mail debate between the two is scheduled at the controversial border time of next Wednesday at 12pm. Jason Sabow will moderate.
The Davidsonian
LETTER TO THE EDITOR:
Yes, That Nutri-Grain Wrapper is There to Save My Computer I need to clear something up. What exactly constitutes the reservation of a spot? How can I make sure nobody takes my spot by the Union TV that I’ve clearly marked with a Nutri-Grain wrapper and fresh eraser shavings? It seems to me we need an uncompromising set of spotreserving regulations that will eliminate that mind numbing gray area. Why worry about spot reservations with issues such as the economy and boobs to discuss, you ask? Well let me hit you with an anecdote. Holed up in the basement of the library, I was neck-deep in footnotes and transition sentences, hammering out what would become a mediocre term paper.
“Do I have to literally pee on my spot in order to save it? That’s how pandas do it.” Suddenly, the urge to use the bathroom struck me. But this was prime time, not an open computer in sight, and who knows what vulture would swoop in on my unmarked computer. I astutely draped an encyclopedia over the keyboard and literally covered the mouse with my backpack. Desired message: “Give me a second, I’m using the bathroom, I need this computer.” When I returned to my seat, I found a little Goldilocks perusing her Facebook wall. Come on, people. Mark your spot clearly, and honor a clearly marked spot. Do I have to literally pee on my spot in order to mark it? That’s how pandas do it. We are not pandas. At least not to my knowledge.
Union Picture of the Week
The Real Perspectives Section
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
6
Listen to Walt; false advertising See page 6
the other perspectives section
October 8, 2008
Union Bored: Saturday 10pm-1am!! See page 3
Suicide bomber protests lack of health care
See page 11
Health Center tells insomniac to get some sleep, come back in a week See page 2
Your Davidson Honor Section
Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt Staff Writers: Alex Greening Josh Tobin Photo Credits: Eddie Hickman Pat McGovern
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.
Mental Health Group on Campus Holds “Disturbia” Party This weekend the now-vacant Pi Kappa Alpha house played host to a “Disturbia” party for campus mental health organization, Changing Minds. The party was well-attended but seemed to lack the confidence and positivity of the other fetes on the Court. Daniel Bride ’09 explained the motivation for such an event. “We want to raise awareness most of all,” he said. “It’s too bad that most parties gloss over standard addictions and psychological complexes. It’s as though for the duration of most parties, students try and forget about their problems.” The Disturbia Party first caused problem for the paranoid schizophrenics. A strange bartender served drinks that “could easily have been tampered with.” The music selection focused on objectifying women and glorifying material objects. However, an appearance by the Davidson College Police Department caused minor problems as officers helped to reinforce various conspiracy theories by awkwardly standing and gazing at the party-goers. In related news, the belligerence and offensive outbursts of a firstyear student in the Outpost appear to be related to Bud Light and MD 20/20 rather than bipolar disorder.
Minotaur Added to College’s Labyrinth I’ve seen many a student blindsided, gored and disemboweled by a midterm.,” he said. “I tell them to do their homework, keep up with their notes and use a ball of twine to map their way, but they always get massacred anyway.”
The Minotaur will keep students alert and intellectually engaged. Initially conceived of as a picturesque stress-reliever, the college’s labyrinth will take on more challenging dimensions with the introduction of a 450-pound half-man, half-bull. According to Dean of Students Tim Stancil, the fifty-square-foot maze of Minotaur-less 180-degree turns was a laudable idea, but ultimately not challenging enough for a student body that averaged 690 on the SAT math section. Professor of Psychology Edward Martin sees the Minotaur/ labyrinth paradigm as a metaphor for the classroom environment. “During my twenty years here,
“Students are advised to enter the labyrinth with a ball of twine, so that they can definitely find their way out.” The labyrinth can still be a place for quiet reflection, says College Chaplain Bob Schlapp. Students should simply be mindful that too much quiet reflection can lead to complacency, at which point they are liable to be mauled by a massive mythological beast with the testosterone count of most collegiate football programs. When asked for comment, Dan Killian ’09 was quoted as saying, “At least the economy is doing really well, so we can afford giant stone labyrinths.” Students are advised to enter the labyrinth with a ball of twine, so they can find their way out.
Social Calendar and Crier Still Not Talking as Formatting Feud Takes a Personal Turn The Social Calendar, a relatively new member of the Davidson College community, was publicly denounced by The Crier Wednesday for its unwillingness to “move away from its immature third-grade appearance.” The Crier was furious with The Social Calendar’s desire to continue receiving outside funding from its sponsors, Crayola Crayons and Lifesavers Candy. “No matter what The Social Calendar manages to consume during its worthless existence between Monday and Wednesday of every week, it always manages to vomit out a putrid display of size, color and font for me to struggle through every Thursday through Sunday,” commented the well-established Crier. Receiving an extensive makeover last spring with the aid of an Art Department grant, The Crier has made significant changes to its structure. This occurred soon after exten-
sive marketing reports determined the average reader is actually more interested in the content of the information than the shade of fuchsia used to convey the message.
“‘The ability to alter colors between lines simply does not impress me any more,’ noted a more reflective Crier.” However, The Social Calendar released a statement making it clear that it will continue using neon colors combined with an all-caps “Wingdings” font in order to grab the attention of its readers. The fact that Wingdings is a nearly illegible font based on the Sanskrit alphabet has not affected the Social Calendar’s aesthetics in the least, nor has the incredible difficultry of reading neon yellow
on a white background. “The ability to alter colors between lines simply does not impress me anymore,” noted a more reflective Crier, wearing a standard size 12 paired with a traditional Times New Roman font. An e-mail debate between the two is scheduled at the controversial border time of next Wednesday at 12pm. Jason Sabow will moderate.
The Davidsonian
LETTER TO THE EDITOR:
Yes, That Nutri-Grain Wrapper is There to Save My Computer I need to clear something up. What exactly constitutes the reservation of a spot? How can I make sure nobody takes my spot by the Union TV that I’ve clearly marked with a Nutri-Grain wrapper and fresh eraser shavings? It seems to me we need an uncompromising set of spotreserving regulations that will eliminate that mind numbing gray area. Why worry about spot reservations with issues such as the economy and boobs to discuss, you ask? Well let me hit you with an anecdote. Holed up in the basement of the library, I was neck-deep in footnotes and transition sentences, hammering out what would become a mediocre term paper.
“Do I have to literally pee on my spot in order to save it? That’s how pandas do it.” Suddenly, the urge to use the bathroom struck me. But this was prime time, not an open computer in sight, and who knows what vulture would swoop in on my unmarked computer. I astutely draped an encyclopedia over the keyboard and literally covered the mouse with my backpack. Desired message: “Give me a second, I’m using the bathroom, I need this computer.” When I returned to my seat, I found a little Goldilocks perusing her Facebook wall. Come on, people. Mark your spot clearly, and honor a clearly marked spot. Do I have to literally pee on my spot in order to mark it? That’s how pandas do it. We are not pandas. At least not to my knowledge.
Union Picture of the Week
