Issue 3b

Back despite popular demand Issue 3, 23/09/2008 Editor: Mr. S DISCLAIMER: The events and people depicted herein are fictitious, any similarity to real places or people, living or dead is entirely coincidental. By reading this paper or looking at any images held therein, you are forfeiting your right to criticise or take offense at it. The Anglo Week and all its contributors hold no responsibility nor interest in any of your petty minded complaints.

At least it only lasted 10 minutes Before runaway ideas about the ambiguous headline consume you, this article is about the greatest story ever told, a week in the surreal world of the Anglo.

What on Earth is a Large Hadron?

about time a reputable newspaper made a
to ensure

ment and after having learnt all about it from the Guardian Unlimited I can declare that the Large Hadron Collider is rubbish.

With an estimated cost of many, many pints of beer the LHC has been a surprising let Of course we were going to write down in my humble eyes. With sweeping about it. In fact we have dedicated promises that it would stop immigration an un-Godly number of column problems and lower house prices, people inches to this abhorrence. With so would have been forgiven for taking a passmuch to criticise I really don’t know ing interest. Also it could have destroyed the where to start, it’s almost so ridicuuniverse, not a common claim for something lous that it’s unbelievable. I’ll start based in Switzerland, where the last great at the beginning. invention was a knife with a toothpick atBy going against the old saying that you can’t A long time ago two people decided tached. polish a turd, they actually decided to make a that they didn’t spend enough money making the school seem like public record of the school, a video?!? A video So, what are we getting for our modest inwhich seemed to lack all the canned laughter vestment in this piss-take of a science experia joke, I’ll of course mention no which it deserved. ment. Well, the Higgs-Boson is the greatest names, but just watch out for the two floating heads, in the video, The finished product is ten minutes of marvel thing they hope to discover. A theoretical lying. They also found a rumoured and wonder that is more likely to make peo- particle that is best described as a wholly pointless endeavour. Still maybe for all this £50,000 which couldn’t possibly be ple quit drinking than convince them to money and time, they’ll design a cool new used for something good. So after come to the Anglo. Still £250 back from TV or make a watch that can count the numnot much deliberation, they pissed it You’ve Been Framed. It wasn’t a complete ber of steps you make. away on some ridiculous parody of loss. the office. Perhaps the Higgs Boson will cure cancer or

family

suitability>

Quote Wars Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.

With men and women, does you think that men should only marry one woman? Does you believe in mahogany?

stop poverty, but that isn’t the predictions made by the nerds who dreamt it up, all it’s going to do is prove that not all of physics is wrong. I don’t know about you but I feel a little bit cheated by that. I don’t recall we needed miles and miles of fast moving protons to discover electricity and unless we find a way of driving a Higgs Boson to work, I think it’s going to prove a lot less useful. Still it’d be a laugh if it did destroy the universe, imagine how pissed off God would be.

The Anglo Week

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Editorial: Welcome to Hell This is a good time to greet the new sixth formers. I might as well be the first to tell you, you’ve have made a serious mistake coming here. It’s not that the teaching is bad, for the most part, it’s passable but when you start being told about the ethos of the school you’re going to realise the sort of nutters running this place. If you’ve been foolish enough to choose the IB like they told you, then prepare to embark on two years of regret. Just joking you’ll undoubtedly have a few

weeks of ignorance first. But to the real question, what the hell is this paper? This is an attempt at CAS hours gone wrong (when I realised I could hardly claim them), or an effort to get myself expelled on political grounds. For those so inclined to get offended at these humble six pages, clearly missed the disclaimer and should probably take it up with the head of sixth form for not policing this better. On with the casual racism from our team of writers...

Readers’ letter: Submit your own Dear Anglo Week,

This edition we invited readers to write in on the topic of self-harm. What do you love about it? What do you hate about it? Can it really be an object for satire? Here’s what you think...

Sometimes the graceful cuts along the arms of an emo are sexier than muscles or good looks. To drive this point home, I’ve just cut the hand off one of my children, ahhh sensual.

Dear Anglo Week, Self-harm is a misunderstood pastime. The problem nowadays is all the bad press it gets. It used to be a fully fledged Olympic sport back in the day, but now, with kids seeing it on the television and assuming it is some kind of game it ends in tears, bloody tears. They don’t learn the correct procedure and someone could end up getting hurt. More education is needed and possibly some kind of after school ‘cutting yourself’ club. Thanks for listening to my comments for longer than my MP did.

Sylvia ‘soggy-face’ Ophidapele Dear Anglo Week,

Disclaimer: We hold no evidence that Miss Amy Winehouse is in any way linked to self harm, we just don’t like her, and we do hold lots of evidence that she’s a stupid b*tch; some of which is displayed above.

Edvard Saffronface

I’m not suggesting that I have a conservative background but I was always taught that if the Daily Mail disagrees with it, its evil. These disgusting self-harmers who are dirtying our streets and polluting our innocent children deserve to be locked up and the key thrown into one of our holy water wells. I’ve also noticed an upsurge in the number of immigrant self-harmers stealing our jobs, tax discounts on self harm and persecution against us good, law-abiding middle class families. String ‘em up with the Labour government I say. Alice Bonar Law

Obituaries Attila the Hun.

John Beckham

Yes, he may have been dead a while now but I doubt he was ever really given a proper send off in a cheap paper written after twenty minutes of research the way we give the greats today. Attila or ‘the scourge of God’ as he was known to his friends was born to humble beginnings in 406. Frequently bullied at school, he grew up to kill his brother and eat his children. At the time of course this was a pretty cool thing to do, so he became the leader of the Huns, a lifelong dream of his since he first started butchering. All too often of course ‘the scourge’ was misrepresented as being all about the murder and pillaging and his charity work forgotten. He persevered for his chosen charity for underage alcoholics and manic depressive even when under sniper fire in Bosnia he never faltered to do what must be done. Probably my favourite Hun. RIP.

With a surprising lack of media coverage, our ’dead people’ scouts discovered that John Beckham passed away in the early hours of 14th August 2008. Professional footballer and England mid-fielder made a quick rise to fame in the football world. Born in Surrey in 1922, John was famed for being the England captain between 2000 and 2006. We have mixed reports that both he and his grandfather fought in the Second World War...before his father was born. But I’m sure this just made him strive to his dream of international football. We had some problems finding details of his early life, but that is because John was famously press-shy. We have unconfirmed reports from Forbes magazine that he was also a Presbyterian lawyer and the governor of Kentucky. An impressive life work for someone who at 24 years old married a spice girl. Truly a great man sadly struck down in the prime of his old age by a football related Parkinson’s injury.

Issue 3, 23/09/2008

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That Barney B*stard Nora Spags I write today simply to distribute some good ol’ lies and propaganda amongst you all. These hate filled thoughts are mainly directed at our prehistoric scaled compadre, or Nickelodeons cheap imitations of them, that come in the form of that big gay purple dinosaur. Now there is one f*cker I have a true unconditional desire to defenestrate from the top of an extremely tall building.

would cascade into a convoluted mess about cookies and ‘love’. That leads me to another point; the guy is obviously drunk (can you blame him?), waltzing around the place declaring his love for everyone. The extent of his alcoholism is severe; he has commandeered kids to join in his mishaps, get them drunk and then make them sing back their love for him. This man is obviously dangerous and needs to be removed from contact with children. It must be he who is behind the vast number of under-8’s who have been found drunk.

Who can take this puerile purple paedophiles persistent perversions over prepubescent scamps dancing and frolicking around him while he serenades the mere whippersnappers with semi-erotic songs of sentiment as we loudly blaspheme at him? Anger always arouses alliteration in the depths of my heart.

Anyway, childish programmes with allusions to primordial days aren’t all bad— take ‘a land before time’ for instance; there is a show you can really get into. That Petrie is one funny Pteranodon f*cker.

Barney is a joke; imagine trying to befriend the beast; the whole conversation

Review Book Review: Harry Potter (Book 1) Restaurant Review: McDonalds

Newspaper Review: The Independent

The Harry Potter saga comprises seven books, although not many people have read the prequel ‘Harry Potter and his boring misadventures through Infant School’.

Rather than starting our rival bashing newspaper reviews with the obvious significantly trashier candidates we thought we’d begin by reviewing the most insipid contender. The independent. In true keeping with Independent style we will illustrate this article solely with a picture.

In the first book Harry's (who feigns death in the last book, and then marries Ginny Weasley.) parents are killed by Voldemort (who dies in the last book). Others who die include Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Colin Creevey, and Bellatrix Lestrange. Harry lives happily ever after, with an awful, disfiguring scar on his head. Speaking of disfigurements has everyone heard the tragic story of Joseph Merrick, he wore a cap with a hood covering his face. He could have worn a mask. Like Jason Voorhees. The Friday the 13th character. Who came out of the water. Like eels. Anguillidae. There's a Caribbean territory owned by the British called Anguilla. Not much remains of our empire. Pity though. Anyway, that's Harry Potter. £8.99 from all good bookstores, bad bookstores and garages.

I did not tell the staff upon my arrival that I was a restaurant critic, however they may have worked me out based on the impeccably tailored suit I wore. The hideously mutated waiter stared at me blankly when I asked to see a wine list and seemed to have no idea what the word ‘Hors d’oeuvre’ was so I started instead with the healthy salad as they called it. It’s amazing how they make a healthy salad almost completely from salt, I didn’t ask, I imagine it was a combination of spit and phlegm.

scandal

I then ventured to the Big Mac, which picture at £4.99 was the highest priced meal. Alarms started sounding in my mind when it was given to me wrapped in lies paper steadily rotting from the grease and stored in a sick bag. I didn’t bother eating it because I’m allergic to That seems to get the point across doesn’t it, beef but I did enjoy a potato flavoured the sickening suggestion that it might not be quite as ‘wordy’ as the Daily Mirror aside, salt stick. please do not feel that we are trying to bad Never before have I felt so close to mouth this middle of the road tower of misdeath. Not a great place for a business spelt crap. Yes, the irony is lost on me. lunch, but alright if you want to leave your kids somewhere they can get fat .

The Anglo Week

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Baka by Jam

Trivial Pursuit

Since making a new crossword each issue was a bit of a trivial pursuit, I have replaced it with a game of trivial

pursuit, see what I did there? P.S. We’re sorry about the jokes etc. Which country won the 2008 Beijing Olympics? Manchester United The country with a good sixth of the World’s population

If Robert earns £x per annum for doing a job. How much should Jill and David earn for doing half the job each...badly. £x £x/2

Those disabled guys

>£x/2

Your mum

Why are there two head teachers?

Christophe

Page 5

Issue 3, 23/09/2008

Horoscopes* Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Joseph Mengele was a pisces and For more informahe was pretty evil. tion. It seems plausible that you are as well, you sick b*stard.

This week will be plagued with sadness for you, Aries. Maybe one of your kids will die or you’ll lose a fiver, I’m not sure, just watch out and contemplate suicide.

More next week.

Twins are creepy.

The subtle insinuations in this will miss you entirely.

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

This week will hold many challenges for you, but do not feel the need to self medicate. You’ll need to save things like that for next week, which could be so much worse.

Death awaits you.

You will turn into a giant insect. Your family will reject you. You will die. You will be the death of your father, your brothers and your entire city.

If you find yourself thinking of old flames, and love you let slip through your fingers, just go for it. What’s the worst that could happen?

You won’t walk with kings, you won’t talk with crowds. You’ll make a giant scrud of your life.

You will get early onset Alzheimer's.

Call 0845 555666

Oops, sorry, I meant dole awaits you. Death is for Sagittarius.

Enough said.

You will get early onset Alzheimer's. You will get early onset Alzheimer's.

Yes, here it is again! Have you missed us these long weeks away. It's been a fun filled summer, and while every other newspaper, periodical, and a couple of books has taken time to discuss the myriad complexities of the recent 'mortgage meltdown', 'credit crunch', 'liquidity shortage', 'home ownership decrease-ifying-ment' and 'Great Depression' you've been sorely regretting I'm sure not have the input from your favourite 'sleazerag'. So without further ado, the Anglo take on our impending doom.

*Disclaimer: The Anglo Week, including its editors and writers, accept no responsibility if the above events do, or do not, occur to you for we regard it as complete bullshit

Market Report

Credit Crunch! Shit I put all my money in credit. - Gordon Freeman

A better offer

The market fell 32 watts to a round 7.45 points today, following announcements by Corp and Ltd showing profit warnings in the fourth quarter of the week.

The sixth form ‘team’ have an excellent offer for the first to complete their UCAS application. A break from stupid gimmicks, no. A better chance to get into university, perhaps. A nice cheap chocolate bar, guaranteed to kill Dating services available and wood chip- anyone with a nut allergy, hell yes. pers are up 16 points to 3. Aircraft are suffering down-turns, and Ferries are sinking. Shorts are up on midgets, and futures are down on calenders, yesterday. The market for chemicals is volatile, and plans for a re-launch of 'Test The bribe set forth by Bryant is a DAIM bar, Dummies Inc' have hit a wall. A previously DIME for those who are easily conplanned merger of Smeg Fridges and fused. As a customary act of defiance, which Head sports to form SmegHead cooling you should see more of in coming decades, I clothing have fallen through the floor offer four Daim bars to the last applicant of provided by Walling Corp. Ant softthis year. Anyone willing to spend time on ware, and iSocial internet dating have their application and not rush it off to appease merged to form Antisocial dating softthe ever-complaining sixth form leaders will ware, and TSE Group support Services rightfully be rewarded, for doing the sensible were planning a merger with Goa Envithing and letting the universities sweat a bit ronmental Tools, but the website was before casually applying. taken.

Is this likely to effect my job at Burger King? - Ms. Pacman Well frankly a deregulated mortgage market, with skewed short term incentives....nah I'm just screwing with you. Yankees suck. - Mario I'm glad I took all my money out of Lehman and invested heavily in Zimbabwean farmland. - Wario Microsoft Suck! - Master Chief And finally a few memories for those who are no longer with us: Bear Sterns (1923 - 2008) Lehman Brothers (1850-2008) Merrill Lynch (1914-2008) HBOS (2001-2008) Fannie Mae (1938-2008) Freddie Mac (1970-2008) IndyMac Bank (1985-2008) Northern Rock (1321- still lingering)

Personal Advertising Personal Ad

Cultists Wanted

Exchange Needed

Big and beautiful Eastern European woman, smoker with kids and facial hair seeks desperate man for visa and possible sex. Interests unnecessary

Anyone interested in joining our new sect, where we slaughter animals, burn old literature, attack the public and generally have a good time, enquire on 02321 123142

Will swap pounds sterling for anything, very urgent.

The Anglo Week

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Sport

Not affiliated with the truth.

Sports Day

*Disclaimer: The following article is complete conjecture and should be treated as such in a court of law. Any libel is unintentional, even towards Mr. Bryant.

In the World of sport, nothing could be more riveting than the four hour long Anglo European Games. Of course, for this journalist there was no enjoyment to be had from fat kids running. I discovered through undercover investigation that score fixing was rampant throughout the days events. What started as a playful plan from an unnamed head of sixth, to place fifty pounds on Anstee and make them win everything turned into a sad and twisted plot to take over the World. A debased scheme of organised crime took over the proceedings and small children were

probably systematically beaten for wishing to play fairly. Not that I wish to put down the achievements of the form Anstee, but you don’t need to be a genius to realise they clearly couldn’t win if they were on steroids. I’m not suggesting that the form name should decide the strength of the form team, but Picasso could take that woman any day. Still, I suppose she does have the slight advantage of being alive. Above: Because no-one knows who Anstee is

Still it was worth watching kids running as others threw javelins at them, a common sight in Melbourne.

I don’t like cricket Cricket is a standard sport played by the class above that of football but not strong enough for rugby. Yes, I don’t mean to call these men pathetic but they wear fencing gear and then throw balls at each other. I’ve seen circus freaks make less fuss over a cannon ball to the gut. Now a few cannons would sure liven up cricket then deaden it… A common match which is played is dubbed the ‘ashes’ named after the ashes which the Australians and the English both vie for. Of course that makes it all sound so trivial whereas in fact these ashes grant eternal life and aren’t just some burnt wood. Besides Michael Vaughan swapped the real ashes of the wood for those of his late grandmother anyway, so we win.

Rugby

Shooting

People from the north knocked the teeth from the mouths of other people from the north until the Australians ruined all our fun.

Recent publicity has boosted the popularity of the waning moose hunt. Drivebys up in London as people prepare for 2012.

A recent cricket match ended with 43 for 16, all out, with fourteen overs Gambling and a wicket. In a translation this means that 43 people ran for 16 Taking bets now on when Andy Murray hours while people bowled and some will throw his racket into orbit. See adjastumps were sticking out of the cent. ground. Then the Sri Lankans won.

Tennis We’re still losing.