Issue 2
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The Buffalo Volume 1, Issue 2
Local construction workers won’t stop digging CHAPEL PIT—Local construction crews digging out a basement for the new MLC chapel are having too much fun to stop digging, even though the hole has reached the required size. The chapel project is now indefinitely on hold until the crews stop digging. “I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to dig a hole to China, but my mom said I had to go in for dinner,” said Bob Harlan, the head foreman, “Well, now I’m the boss, and I say we don’t stop digging!” Many other workers too feel that a giant mud pit is far more fun to play in than building a chapel and they give their support to Harlan. “Yeah, eventually I’ll get bored of digging a giant hole, like in a month or two, but I don’t think I’m going to start building the chapel. I really wanna get my hands on those giant dirt piles. I mean, how sweet would it be to drive the bulldozer around on those things?” explains Mark Carmen, a bulldozer operator. Many other construction workers seemed disinterested in a building a chapel, like Jeremy Mullens who would prefer to try scooping up the ducks with his backhoe. While the crews continue digging, MLC administrators are becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress on the chapel project. Unfortunately, the entire area is fenced off and guarded by signs that say “Authorized Personnel Only”, preventing anyone from forcing the contruction to continue. James Stent, a recruiter for the college, was sent earlier this week into the construction area on a suicidal negotiation mission, but sources report that Stent has been seen operating the dump truck that takes the dirt away and “laughing like a little boy in a sandbox.” How does Harlan respond to the outside Volume 1, Issue 2
pressure to stop digging and start building? “I understand that they want that chapel built, but we’re having way too much fun digging right now. In fact, tomorrow the guys are all bringing saucer sleds. Hopefully it will rain so we can mud sled down the edge of the hole. After wards, we’re all going to hang out in the clubhouse trailer and watch TV all night long.” For the school, the good news is that the chapel will be built, it’s just a question of how long it will take before building a chapel is more fun than anything else the construction crews want to do.
Student: I wish I had something fun to read CORNER BOOTH, CAFETERIA—Last week, Aaron Gebant reported feelings of listlessness and boredom, stemming from what he called “a hole in my heart where an intellectual, humorous piece of short literature would fit very nicely.” Coincidently, that very same day The Buffalo, a hilarious and popular student newspaper, made its debut on campus. Unfortuantely for Gebant, the fledgling Buffalo could only afford to print 50 copies of its rare, collector’s edition inaugural printing. Because of those constraints, only an estimated 50 students had a copy of The Buffalo delivered directly to their student mailboxes, meaning that the other 650ish students were left devoid of entertaining Buffalo literature, of whom one was Gebant. “The worst part about yesterday was realizing I had no true friends,” says a sad and dejected Gebant, “I found out later that my best friend got a copy, but didn’t share it with me. Some best friend.” Gebant was not alone. Sources report 17 additional “best friend” statuses were called into question, as well as 4 couples deciding to seek counseling over newly found “trust
September 22, 2008 and sharing” issues related to the publishing of The Buffalo. On the other side, those who received The Buffalo attempt to justify their greedy and secretive actions in various ways. Jeremy Hender, a junior, reports that his friend refused to let him read The Buffalo because “it’s got my name on it, not yours.” Others report that when asked about the secretive newspaper, their friends pretended not to know what they were talking about, even though The Buffalo was noticeably in their hands. “I shouldn’t have to share. The Buffalo should just print enough for the entire student body, regardless of the cost, it’s only fair,” says one anonymous, greedy Buffalo reader, “It’s got my name and box number on it, so it’s mine. I don’t care if it was a free gift from The Buffalo. It’s mine now and nobody else can have it!” As for Gebant, our only hope is that some kind soul will share a copy with him, or he will ask to read the copy given to Prof. J. Balge, who most likely archived and laminated it.
Suggestions from the Editor I hope you have enjoyed the second edition of The Buffalo. For those of you who did not enjoy The Buffalo (which nigh impossible) or for those who are looking for just a little more out of The Buffalo, I have a few recommendations. 1. Share The Buffalo. Once you have read your copy, consider leaving it in an open., public, easily-viewed place. 2. Share The Buffalo. Once you have read your copy, give it to the person you think will most enjoy it. 3. Gather a group of friends and read The Buffalo aloud to them, doing your best impersonation of a news anchor. With just this little extra effort, you can help share the fun of The Buffalo.
The Buffalo — [email protected]
September 22, 2008
Local construction workers won’t stop digging CHAPEL PIT—Local construction crews digging out a basement for the new MLC chapel are having too much fun to stop digging, even though the hole has reached the required size. The chapel project is now indefinitely on hold until the crews stop digging. “I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to dig a hole to China, but my mom said I had to go in for dinner,” said Bob Harlan, the head foreman, “Well, now I’m the boss, and I say we don’t stop digging!” Many other workers too feel that a giant mud pit is far more fun to play in than building a chapel and they give their support to Harlan. “Yeah, eventually I’ll get bored of digging a giant hole, like in a month or two, but I don’t think I’m going to start building the chapel. I really wanna get my hands on those giant dirt piles. I mean, how sweet would it be to drive the bulldozer around on those things?” explains Mark Carmen, a bulldozer operator. Many other construction workers seemed disinterested in a building a chapel, like Jeremy Mullens who would prefer to try scooping up the ducks with his backhoe. While the crews continue digging, MLC administrators are becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress on the chapel project. Unfortunately, the entire area is fenced off and guarded by signs that say “Authorized Personnel Only”, preventing anyone from forcing the contruction to continue. James Stent, a recruiter for the college, was sent earlier this week into the construction area on a suicidal negotiation mission, but sources report that Stent has been seen operating the dump truck that takes the dirt away and “laughing like a little boy in a sandbox.” How does Harlan respond to the outside Volume 1, Issue 2
pressure to stop digging and start building? “I understand that they want that chapel built, but we’re having way too much fun digging right now. In fact, tomorrow the guys are all bringing saucer sleds. Hopefully it will rain so we can mud sled down the edge of the hole. After wards, we’re all going to hang out in the clubhouse trailer and watch TV all night long.” For the school, the good news is that the chapel will be built, it’s just a question of how long it will take before building a chapel is more fun than anything else the construction crews want to do.
Student: I wish I had something fun to read CORNER BOOTH, CAFETERIA—Last week, Aaron Gebant reported feelings of listlessness and boredom, stemming from what he called “a hole in my heart where an intellectual, humorous piece of short literature would fit very nicely.” Coincidently, that very same day The Buffalo, a hilarious and popular student newspaper, made its debut on campus. Unfortuantely for Gebant, the fledgling Buffalo could only afford to print 50 copies of its rare, collector’s edition inaugural printing. Because of those constraints, only an estimated 50 students had a copy of The Buffalo delivered directly to their student mailboxes, meaning that the other 650ish students were left devoid of entertaining Buffalo literature, of whom one was Gebant. “The worst part about yesterday was realizing I had no true friends,” says a sad and dejected Gebant, “I found out later that my best friend got a copy, but didn’t share it with me. Some best friend.” Gebant was not alone. Sources report 17 additional “best friend” statuses were called into question, as well as 4 couples deciding to seek counseling over newly found “trust
September 22, 2008 and sharing” issues related to the publishing of The Buffalo. On the other side, those who received The Buffalo attempt to justify their greedy and secretive actions in various ways. Jeremy Hender, a junior, reports that his friend refused to let him read The Buffalo because “it’s got my name on it, not yours.” Others report that when asked about the secretive newspaper, their friends pretended not to know what they were talking about, even though The Buffalo was noticeably in their hands. “I shouldn’t have to share. The Buffalo should just print enough for the entire student body, regardless of the cost, it’s only fair,” says one anonymous, greedy Buffalo reader, “It’s got my name and box number on it, so it’s mine. I don’t care if it was a free gift from The Buffalo. It’s mine now and nobody else can have it!” As for Gebant, our only hope is that some kind soul will share a copy with him, or he will ask to read the copy given to Prof. J. Balge, who most likely archived and laminated it.
Suggestions from the Editor I hope you have enjoyed the second edition of The Buffalo. For those of you who did not enjoy The Buffalo (which nigh impossible) or for those who are looking for just a little more out of The Buffalo, I have a few recommendations. 1. Share The Buffalo. Once you have read your copy, consider leaving it in an open., public, easily-viewed place. 2. Share The Buffalo. Once you have read your copy, give it to the person you think will most enjoy it. 3. Gather a group of friends and read The Buffalo aloud to them, doing your best impersonation of a news anchor. With just this little extra effort, you can help share the fun of The Buffalo.
The Buffalo — [email protected]
September 22, 2008
