Understanding Behavior & Assertiveness

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Understanding Behavior and Assertiveness

IDENTIFYING BEHAVIOR • How we behave reflects how we feel. • To simplify behavior, imagine you only have two feelings – you feel good or you feel bad. • All feelings come under those two headings only. • You could either feel good about yourself, or bad about yourself. • Whenever you come into contact with another person, you either feel good or bad about them as well.

This means there are only four combinations of feelings: 1 Feel good about self Feel other person is good

3 Feel bad about self Feel other person is good

2 Feel good about self Feel other person is bad

4 Feel bad about self Feel other person is bad

Those four boxes help explain why you sometimes behave the way you do. The behavior usually linked to the feelings in the boxes

Feel other person is good Feel other person is bad

Feel good about self

Feed bad about self

ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

PASSIVE BEHAVIOR

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

DEPRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

So, for example, if you tend to be aggressive, it is often because you feel others are ‘less than’ you in some way – less important, less able, less knowledgeable, etc.

UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVENESS The dictionary has several definitions of assertiveness: • ‘claiming your rights’ • ‘declaring strongly’ • insisting upon’ • ‘standing up for yourself’ One dictionary lists it as ‘making aggressive claims or statements’ which really doesn’t describe assertiveness at all well.

Assertiveness is about how you express yourself. It means being aware of: • what you need from others • your opinions • what you want • how you feel, and • what you believe.

It means expressing the above things: • appropriately • calmly • clearly • directly • honestly • in a way that helps others remain calm • in a way that allows both you and others to keep your dignity or pride • without violating others people’s rights.

ANALYSING YOURSELF Identifying assertiveness

Knowing your opinions,

Asking, not telling. Asking questions to check you understand. Assertive body language Being brief – not rambling Being clear. ‘Being yourself’ Clam, neutral tone of voice Criticism constructively Deciding not to be assertive if you don’t wish to Eye contact – looking at who you’re talking to Expressing your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc Stating, not lecturing.

feelings. Making suggestions, not giving advice (unless asked for). Not apologizing excessively. Not feeling guilty without reason. Not interrupting. Not labeling people (separating their behavior from who they are) Saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty or selfish. Speaking at a sensible speed – not too fast, not hesitating.

DEVELOPING ASSERTIVENESS • This is about what you can do to make things happen. What you can’t do is change other people • Assertiveness is like planting seeds. They may grow, they may not • Planting them and looking after them and making all the conditions as favorable as possible, you’ve got the best chance of things turning out as you would like

Making requests Do • Be brief. • Be direct. • Be open. • Believe you have every right to make a request. • Give a brief reason for the request. • Respect their right to say ‘no’. • Make sure they know you respect it.

Making requests Don’t • Apologize for asking • Exaggerate to make it sound more important. • Manipulate people into saying ‘yes’. • Play on your friendship or relationship. • Refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer. • Take refusal personally (this is one of the things that makes it difficult for people to say no). • Threaten.

Saying ‘no’ Do • Acknowledge the request and their right to make it. • Ask questions if you need more information before making a decision. • Be honest – try to give the real reason for refusing, even if it’s I don’t want to’. • Personalise your decision – don’t hide behind rules and other people. • Say it nicely! • Take your time – often people resent an instant refusal, but if you take time to think about it and then say ‘no’, they accept it.

Saying ‘no’ Don’t • Apologize unnecessarily. • Believe that if you refuse, you won’t be able to make requests in return. • Feel guilty. • Make excuses. • Think you have no right to refuse. • Worry they will be hurt. • Worry they will stop liking you.

Dealing with people who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer

Do • Keep to your original decision to refuse. • Make sure you use the work ‘no’ – check you actually say it, not just imply it. • Simply repeat your refusal, adding your reason if you didn’t give it. • Stay polite.

Dealing with people who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer

Don’t

• Become impatient. • Repeat your reason if you have already given it. • Start questioning your own judgment. • Think of more (better) reasons.

Disagreeing with people Do • Accept that you have every right to your own opinion. • Be firm. • Be honest. • Be open-minded – you could be wrong. • Be polite. • Realise that an opinion isn’t right or wrong, it’s just someone’s opinion. • Separate facts from opinions. • Stick to logic, not emotion.

Disagreeing with people

Don’t • Apologize for disagreeing. • Be afraid they will get angry or upset – they are responsible for their own feelings. • Dismiss what they have said as useless, not worthwhile, etc. • Put the other person down. • Say nothing. • Use emotional terms – I hate it, I love it, it’s foolish, etc.

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS of becoming assertive

Concentrating on the person • People have power over us because we focus on them, rather than on the situation. • Everyone is equal, so focus on the situation and you will be less intimidated by people.

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS Lack of clarity • You may have confused ideas, thoughts, emotions, standards. • You need to spend some time deciding exactly what you do want, think, feel about some things. • If you don’t know what you think, how can you put it across? • If you don’t know how you feel, you are at the mercy of all those feelings, which may make you behave in a way you don’t have control over.

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS

Lack of practice • Because you aren’t used to being assertive, it may well be difficult at first, and seem like a lot of time and effort for little result. • Practice not only makes it easier, it also makes you more likely to have a positive outcome.

AVOIDING THE PITFALLS Lack of Self-confidence or self-respect • If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to be assertive. • Do try, however, as changing your behavior can lead to a change in how you feel. • Accept that you have rights and they are equal to other people’s – we’re all equal. • The old saying ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated’ is a very good one. • If other people have the right to polite treatment, so do you. • If they have the right to say ‘no’, so do you.

Not knowing your rights Everyone has rights. Here are some of the main ones: • To ask for what you want • To change yourself if you want to • To change your mind • To express your opinions and feelings • To make decisions and choices • To make mistakes • To privacy • To say ‘no’ • To your own opinions • To you feelings.