Assertiveness

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness 1.

RESPECT FOR OTHERS AND SELF

Respect—Not Deference Respect is honoring basic human rights. Deference is the unquestioning approval of what others think or do regardless of knowledge/experience simply on the basis of being older, more powerful, or richer. Self-Respect and Self-Caring
Set limits on what you are willing to do for others.
Evaluate situations to distinguish imaginary fears from the genuine possible consequences and deal realistically with alternatives instead of getting overwhelmed by them.
Be realistic about what you can accomplish.
Don’t let yourself get so outraged that you hurt others and consequently disappoint yourself.
Allow yourself to feel good about small gains in skills.
Forgive yourself for reverting back to more familiar nonassertive or aggressive behavior.

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness The Balancing Act: Respecting Self and Others Example: Dissatisfied with the paint job on the garage Assertive Example:
“There are parts of the garage door that are still rough—I’d like those sanded down more before you put the primer on.”
Shows respect for yourself and respectful correcting the painter’s right to be corrected without being put down. Aggressive Example:
“You’ve done a sloppy job of sanding the door. I’m paying you good wages, and I expect good work. Do it right for a change.”
Implies that the painter is lazy and dumb. Even if this appears incompetent by your standards, that’s not really relevant. What is relevant is that you are dissatisfied with the work and want it redone. It also shows no respect for the other person (the painter). Nonassertive Example:
Keeping silent about your dissatisfaction, or
“I know you know your trade a lot better than I do. But these spots over there—aren’t they kind of rough?”
Shows no respect for yourself.

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

2. DIRECTNESS
Communicate feelings, beliefs, and needs directly.
Hinting is indirect and nonassertive.  I.e. yawning when friends stay longer than you want.
When people don’t take our hints, we usually get angry.  I.e. “Why should I have to tell him to take out the garbage; he should know!” or  “Why should I have to tell her what I want; if she really cared about me she’d know and do it without my asking!”
This is expecting others to mindread and gives the other person all the decision-making power. Others often don’t know what we want because we haven’t asked for it.
Aggressiveness can be indirect because it often does not clearly communicate what someone is upset about or wants. The message the receiver often gets is not the one that the aggressive person is trying to send. The receiver often gets stuck on this message and then never figures out what the aggressor wants.

3. HONESTY Assertive Honesty
Expressing yourself in ways that accurately represent your feelings, opinions, or preferences without putting down yourself or others in the process. It is not saying everything. Nonassertive Honesty
Expressing yourself by cutting yourself down.
I.e. Job applicant when asked why they applied for the job, said, “This is the only job I heard about, so I applied.” Nonassertive Dishonesty
Lying.
I.e. Saying you don’t mind chatting when really you’re tired. Aggressive Honesty
Saying what you think without considering the effect.
I.e. “If I was as fat as you, I’d go on a diet.” Aggressive Dishonesty
Using your anger to cover up less personally acceptable feelings, such as hurt, worry, affection. This often happens when you are only aware of your immediate anger and not the secondary feelings.

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5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness Emotionally Honest Assertion

I’m worried that with our different tastes in furniture, we’ll never be able to find anything we both agree on.

Emotionally Dishonest Nonassertion

I guess that couch is nice, but I don’t think that you really like it. So, let’s not get it.

Emotionally Dishonest Aggression

I guess that couch is nice, but I don’t think that you really like it. So, let’s not get it. How could you possibly like that couch? You have absolutely no taste in furniture. You’d better leave all furniture decisions to me.

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness 4. APPROPRIATENESS The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the:
Location—where  Usually private vs. public.
Timing—when I.e. Not when the other person is absorbed in another activity (watching a football game).  How much—take time for emotional discussions • I.e. Don’t start when on your way out the door.  As soon as possible • I.e. Tell the waiter immediately you’re in a hurry instead of waiting until halfway through the meal.  Consider your emotional state • I.e. Give yourself time to sort out your reactions.

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

4. APPROPRIATENESS (continued) The context, whether assertive or otherwise, includes the:
Intensity (firmness)  Become increasingly firm when others persistently ignore your assertions and violate your rights.
Frequency  Use repetition to emphasize a point, but don’t overuse.  I.e. Overuse of “I want” statements can give the impression of being only interested in what you want.
Nature of the relationship.  Don’t use the same statements with everyone.  I.e. You might say “no thanks,” with no explanation to a phone solicitor, but not without an explanation with a co-worker asking you to cover their desk while they take a break, or to a friend who asks to get together.

5. BODY LANGUAGE
It is not only what we say, but how we say it that affects how we come across and how others react to what we say.
Body language is up to 80% of what we communicate.
Consider how saying “I don’t agree with you,” communicates different messages depending on body language. Body Language Body Language Message Face flushed with anger, “I don’t agree with you, shaking head disgustedly from dummy. Push me and you’re in big side-to-side, contemptuous trouble.” tone of voice. (Aggressive) Even tone of voice, direct contact, speech pattern is expressive. (Assertive)

“I mean what I say, I don’t eye agree with you.”

Ingratiating tone of voice, this. hand covering mouth, averted eyes. (Nonassertive)

“I don’t have any right to say Disagree with me and I’ll feel stupid and crumble.”

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Assessing Your Body Language--Awareness

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness Eye Contact

Assertive body language is congruent with what is being said verbally, adds strength and emphasis to what is being said, and is generally self-assured.

Assertive

Aggressive

Nonassertive




Aggressive body language conveys an exaggerated sense of selfimportance, overbearing, strength, and/or an air of superiority.

Comfortably direct

Looking down nose

Looking away/down




Nonassertive body language conveys weakness, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence. It softens the impact of what is being said verbally to the point that the verbal message loses most of its power. This is particularly true when the person’s verbal message and body language are in conflict with each other.  For example, laughing when saying, “I’m really angry with you.” In general, when there is such a discrepancy between a verbal message and a body language message, the body language message is taken more seriously.

Open, frank, relaxed

Staring off into distance with bored expression

Blinking rapidly










Use the following system to check your body language: OK = Satisfactory level S = Some improvement needed L = Lots of improvement needed

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness Voice/Speech Expression

Facial Expression Assertive

Aggressive

Nonassertive

Assertive

Aggressive

Nonassertive

Open, frank, relaxed

Clenching teeth

Constant smiling

Appropriately firm

Overly rapid

Overly soft

Flaring nostrils

Smiling, laughing, or winking when expressing irritation

Appropriately warm

Deadly quiet

Mumbled

Jutting jaw

Biting or wetting lips

Overly loud or strident Whiney

Pursed, tight-lipped mouth

Swallowing or clearing throat

Expressive, emphasizing key words Clear

Sarcastic or condescending

Tensing and wrinkling forehead

Monotone Overly slow

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5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness

2 Ways of Changing Your Body Language

Gestures Assertive

Aggressive

Nonassertive

Well-balanced

Pounding fists

Covering mouth or lower face with hand

Standing/sitting erect

Standing/sitting stiff and rigid

Constantly shifting weight

Relaxed

Finger wagging

Excessive head nodding

Hand gestures, Shaking head as if emphasizing key words other person isn’t to be believed Hands on hips

Fidgeting with clothing, jewelry, or hair

1. Become aware of and change negative thoughts about yourself that can cause you to use less effective body language. 2. Give yourself simple instructions, such as, “Look at the other person,” or “Relax and stop frowning.”


Practice better eye contact by looking at yourself in a mirror and practicing assertive statements.

Scratching or rubbing head Wringing or rubbing hands Wooden body posture

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