The Withering Torture

I will never forget the day when Iraq invaded Kuwait, it was on august the 2nd 1990 and as every one knows how people often like to talk about what they were doing when some major event occurred. So I'll replay the screen of my memory and show what was I doing that very hot day, for it was imprinted on my mind and changed my life.

I woke up that Thursday morning at the continuous voice of bombing, it was far but very fearful. My husband was a doctor and he had a night shift in the hospital, so I took the telephone and called him. A strange feeling came to me that squeezed

my chest when the nurse answered telling me that my husband never had a night shift on any Thursday. I know that Kuwait was invaded from a telephone call from my parents. Asking me to leave my apartment with my five months son and stay with them for a couple of days. Two major events in the life of a 22 years old mother in one day. I rose, dressed and drove myself to my parent's house with my baby on the back seat. Tears covered my face, shaking from fear, but I decided to be strong when I saw his face on the rear mirror, strong. At least until I arrive home. It seemed that it was the end of the world. I parked my car, grabbed my son, my parents were waiting for us. That I forgot to mention, I'm their only daughter. I hugged my father. Thinking that I was

crying only for what happened to Kuwait, which that alone struck me in my heart. During those moments, it felt as there was no one else in the world but us. I remember every thing about that day, when I was sitting in the kitchen, searching the radio channels for news that we couldn't watch them because it was taken by the Iraqi invaders. I kept blaming my self of what happened, it was strange, but I did. It was unjust and unfair. A week passed. a very hard one ,and we never heard of my husband , until we knew later that he was killed trying to flee to Saudi Arabia .

I was covered with shame from head to toe and I lost my self confidence. Why did he do that? I was young, beautiful, educated, and devoted to him and to his son. What he did tortured me, yet even though he was a liar and a cheater, we deserved a good bye. Seven months of the invasion ended like if they were seven years, and every one

were happy when the allied forces entered Kuwait on the 26th of February 1991 they over whelmed the Kuwaiti's and gathered to see the allied soldiers on top of their tanks crossing through , so I took my baby and I followed them . Every one was excited and extremely happy they were waving to the soldiers

I got tired and my son slept on my shoulder. So I sat on the street pavement to rest a while putting him on my lap. I raised my head and suddenly I saw the most wonderful eyes looking at me, he was an American soldier, I knew he was an American from the flag on his tank. he was smiling at me , I couldn't smile back ,he jumped off his tank , came to me , went down on his knees on the ground and covered me with a plastic cover on my head , then I realized it was raining .

He went back to his tank with a big goodbye smile; I just nodded, not knowing that he will be the heaviest burden of my life. A month later, my father died, leaving the three of us alone, not forgetting to mention that we were and still very wealthy family. But very poor in emotions. His death broke my heart even more. He was the father and the friend. I discovered that I had the strength to deal with crises, so I decided to take my mother to Paris for a visit; it was only a try to make a change inside.

We were in the airport waiting for our flight, their I saw him walking in front of me with a lot of soldiers carrying heavy military bags, he turned his face towards me and stopped walking , he came to me and said ' hello again ' , he looked at my son and said 'hello sleepy head ' I was

surprised that he remembered us . He introduced him self to me and we talked for a few minutes, then he asked for my telephone number and said goodbye. This time I smiled but it came from within my heart. I had the feeling that it was as if life went on pause for a while and then began again. I asked my self if I was fooling my self of the thought of admiring a stranger, so it was best to forget all about the five minutes conversation and his wonderful eyes. We flew to Paris trying to understand our new life and prayed that only time will cover every harm happened to us. ''You were right dear, we needed this holiday'' my mother said ' but it ended very quickly ' I replied, holding my eyes on her that I knew she was in pain and hiding her feelings away from me. She was thinking of my father. He was a wonderful husband and father and I wished that I can say the same to my son about his father someday. Days past and one day while I was being busily inside the villa , with my son

following my steps , he was 16 months , the telephone rang and when I answered , I actually felt how fragile I was , hearing that warm voice , it was him , he told me that he was in Kuwait and wanted to meet me with my son . I squeezed my hand and said ''ok, we will see you after one hour near Kuwait Towers ''.

I was excited like a school girl, yet afraid but I can't keep my self from jumping ahead.

I took my son, we got ready then we went to meet him. we got on time , he was sitting on a garden chair waiting , when I saw him , I heard my heart ,that feeling never came through me before . We walked towards him, and when he saw us, he got up, came to us with fast steps as if he knew us from a long time. He took my son, hugged him as if he was his own. 'Hello I've been looking forward to meeting you ' he said to my son but then he looked at me with smile .his smile spoke poetry and I replied with one too, it was the smile of joy.

He gave my son a teddy bear and sat him around his neck around his shoulders .then

we walked. I was happy, that I was searching for someone to trust, another heart in which I can place my hopes and dreams safely. 'We should get to know each other and I am happy that you will tell me more about you ' he said. I told him every thing about me without looking at his blue eyes directly but that was difficult for I wanted to look at them very much. I knew that his wife died and he had no children and he was 12 years older than me. He knew that I'm a Muslim and I knew that he was Christian. Now I can say that I reached the point that made our feelings to each other a burden.

We went home after saying goodbye .I called my mother and told her about him .I noticed that she was nervous and said be careful , you are my girl and I trust you , think before doing any thing . Then she left me alone. Shocked of what she said. As a matter of fact I understood what she had in mind. I decided to reserve judgment on that and go to sleep and when I woke up in the morning by the voice of my son playing, I

went and saw him with the teddy bear he gave him yesterday. At that moment I realized that we take risk any time for the sake of our beloved, then something deep inside me said 'no. no one is worth the risk .fate decided for me again. I can't see him anymore. After breakfast I took my son to the daycare and in my way back home I kept thinking of my luck and why should someone have such a curse

I arrived home and while I walked down the corridor , I heard the telephone , I stopped for a moment and then answered it was him , I can't explain the feeling that came to me . He asked me to have dinner and he had only one week in Kuwait. Well I can't see you anymore; I'm sorry ' I said 'why ' he answered Then I replied 'it's complicated ,I …… he didn't let me finish my sentence and begged me to come .

He made it very hard but I agreed on one condition, that it will be the last. That telephone call brought tears to my heart I recognized immediately that I was feeling every thing about him. Soon that night I was sitting in front of him at the dinner table in the hotel restaurant I felt terrible and regretted coming.

What was wrong with me? He said, I raised my face and looked at him and said ' nothing, it's us. Not only you ' 'how ' he said 'Why do you want to see me? I said ' well, I liked you at the first, but I think that I'm in love with you and to your son'. His magical words ached me and weakened me, I didn't have to say any word, my tears did.' we have lots of time to talk ' he said You don't understand, can you tell me what is your future plan with us? IAsked 'Of course, we'll get married ' he replied 'you see that is what I'm trying to tell you I'm a Muslim woman, I can't marry you,

you are Christian ' . I said it wasn't long before he started to eat, he ate quickly , looking at me and asked me If I wasn't angry and told me ' please eat ' ,I wasn't able to do any thing at that moment and asked him to leave . I was deeply in love with that man because he was one of those people who were born in the wrong historical period. He held my hand and escorted me to my car. Getting back to that wonderful first day I saw him, I must describe what happened as a disaster. I ignored his telephone calls for the rest of the week which made me more obsessed with him, I felt guilty but I had to do it. At 1993 new years eve, nearly 10 o'clock with a lot of family members around, the telephone rang and it was him .wishing me and my son a happy new year, I

Apologized for not answering his calls and he replied that he will be there for us at anytime and hang up. I kept reminding my self why I should not call him because I discovered that I still had feelings for him. I wasn't happy at all but had a very comfortable conscience. I was and I still am a religions woman, I never committed adultery in my life or any sin. Also I always did the best I can for my family and for the others. From that day he got used to call me every Friday night for three years .that I didn't see him until March 1996 when he called me and said he was waiting to see me in the airport for he had a transit stop for a few hours. I was very happy and I couldn't let him go without seeing him 'all wrong ' I heard my inner self reply , and I asked my self why can't I get that blue eyes out of my mind ? I ignored that and went to see him and when I arrived at the airport I was able to put my self together for I don't want to lose this opportunity.

I went inside and I saw him , he fascinated me , I crawled through the people in the airport and when I reached him I wanted to hug him but I couldn't , he held my hands and kissed them . At that point I believed in my self. How is sleepy head? He asked about my son, I felt secure near him and to me he made the airport that day as a place of salvation. I couldn't think of letting him go. He looked at me with his smiley eyes, he sensed my struggle and said 'I respect you and I'll help will you. 'How? 'I asked ' let's be friends, let us try at least ' his words made me happy and sad, and I was like someone caught being where he knew he shouldn't be. I shook my head and I avoided as many as I can of his looks.' I'm sorry I have to go now 'he said I thanked him for remembering me and went inside the gate. I reached my car thinking of our rare relationship. Any way, I was angry of myself, and I remembered every significant event in my life and I

wanted to bring this man back. And I did in my heart .I went to sleep that night with his name on my lips. 'Good morning ' my mother said, she opened the curtains, then she turned towards me 'still thinking of him ' she asked. 'No ' I answered She raised her eyebrows and smiled and said ' you have someone waiting for you down stairs and she turned away.

I got up took my shower and dressed. I went down and my mother was setting with someone that I saw only his back '' I don't know, maybe '' I was telling my self softly , then I said no , he turned , looked at me and I almost fainted . '' I thought you were already too far gone '' I said '' well, we had engine trouble and our flight was cancelled until next week, so as a friend, I wanted to say hi to your family, he said. His eyes widened a little and talled me:I'll tell you a secret its way more than that. '' How? '' I replayed.

Where is sleepy head? I want to see him, he added. So I called my son he was almost 6 years old and very handsome. He came and when he saw him he smiled and said you are the teddy bear man. He took him between his arms and kissed him on his forehead.'' you are very tall '' my son said, he laughed and his voice sounded like the voice of a father laughing to his child. It was truly music and it had been so long time since I shared such a happy moment. We had breakfast and I remember that it tasted happiness.

It was summer and he asked about the places were we can take my boy for swimming. My mother dropped the fork from her hand and gazed at her plate. She rose and walked away. '' My boy '' that was the word that shocked her. Me too. Fawaz my son , was jumping from joy , hugging him , I followed my mother and I found her in her bedroom and when she saw me , she made her self buisy avoiding my question . She was afraid; I took her

hands and kissed them. '' Don't worry mother, trust me '' I said. My heart was burning, her feelings were absolutely right. I went back, I found my son with Alex talking about swimming and how he will teach him how to be a swimmer. They both looked at me and even my son felt something in me. He came and hugged me as if he was begging me to let his happiness be true.

I went down on my knees and asked him when do you want to buy your swimming suite? His eyes widely opened and answered '' now ''. I found Fawaz's words carrying it self not only in my mind but deep in my heart as well. His fast response is an effort to help him self and his mother, me. Ok Fawaz . Let's see where we can buy you the most wonderful swim suite. He said, pressing his lips together and held his small hand. They went towards the door and turned his face

back, '' come on '' he called me with a strong voice. '' yes '' I said and I followed , I can't predict the future and I can't read people's minds but it wasn't hard to see that there emotional ups and downs moments made me week . I drove them to a shopping mall and there I was amazed how he shared Joy with Fawaz. And influenced him self spending that time trying to make him feel happy. every thing he did brought a new smile to Fatwa's lips , and deep inside of me, I trusted , he loved my son , I was impressed with his kind soul and I wondered to my self . is this what is meant by fatherly love ?

I never refused anything to buy for my son and he almost had everything he wanted for a seven years old child, but he was extremely happy of what he bought for him that day and took his things and showed them to his grand mother trying to make her share his sweet Joy.

''What's happening? What's wrong ''? I asked my self that night. I felt that I was involved in a closed situation. '' How terrible '' I whispered to my self feeling too distracted? I couldn't sleep that night and when the morning sun shine entered between the curtains I closed my eyes and decided to give my soul a relaxing confidence and encouraged myself to leave a way those troubling thought . We decided and agreed to be friends, just friends.

Ironically, I became grateful for Alex that he gave Fawaz the love of a father and how he comfortably mange to let him sense it. He had no children but his personality was programmed to be a father. His reactions to Fawaz were nice and he knew it just as much as I did. The telephone rang and my son ran to answer that he knew he was calling, he promised him that we will go to the beach and give him a swimming lessen.

I talked to him after Fawaz and told me that he was on his way to take us. I was in a great conflict; on one hand I was doing all in my power to help Fawaz have the love of a father and on the other, I was angry, blaming and criticizing myself. It wasn't long when he arrived and permitted him self in, calling Fawaz to bring his swimming bag. He took his bag in one arm and grabbed him in the other and went to the car with laughter. They were happy. He secured him in the back seat and came back, held my hand and without any word, pulled me out. I couldn't imagine how I missed him. It was a good day, we chose a good spot in the beach and he started to order the picnic things, then he took a small plastic tent from the car that he brought with him and said '' Fawaz can change inside away from the air currents ''. I confess and I confirm, he had a sense of fatherhood. ''Why should I take a way Fawaz ' Joy, he deserved it '' I thought, while watching them swimming ''.

A thought came to me and I asked my self would it work? '' But I'll give it a try '' on our way back home, he asked me if we had a good time and I looked at him and said, if? What? We had the most wonderful time. I thank you Alex, thank you. Fawaz was a sleep at the back seat .so he held him and escorted me inside. He asked me if he could put him in bed, then He went up and I showed him his room, put him on the bed, took his shoes and covered him. Looked at him and kissed his forehead. We went out of his room and silence was all I hared, he was learning and at the front door he tried to tell me something but he turned his face opened the door and went out. I noticed something. He was sad and I saw disappointment in his eyes. That night I did not want to think of any thing so I went to bed with a book, Reading relaxes me.

Over the next few days. We kept meeting with Fawaz we became obsessed with each other. Every little thing about him was caught in my mind. one night, while we were sleeping a door bell a wakened me, so I went to look from my bedroom window, and I saw him in his military uniform, so I grabbed my shawl and ran down .I opened the door and I told me that they called him for a mission in irag .

I grabbed his hand and couldn't say a word but he understood what I felt ''I'll be back ''I promise '' he said. I burst into tears while he was getting in the car. I didn't feel that my mother was pulling my arms to get me inside. She hugged me and I asked her '' what do you expect will happen mother? '' She looked at me and said: can't you see how impossible all this is? The villa was dark and it wasn't because of the night time but it felt dark.

Every night, when I laid back on my pillow I kept tossing and turning, keeping my self from dreaming of him. We haven't heard from him and he didn't call me over the next few months until. Finally on April 1998 after I had finished lunch and Fawaz had gone to do his homework he was in the second grade. I sat on the sofa and grabbed the T.V remote control when the door rang then I rose to open it, and I saw a tall shadow behind the smoked glass door. I froze for a moment but I held the door knob and pulled the door. I was right, it was him he was fine, he looked angelic to me. I wanted to hug him but instead I started to hit him on his chest while I was crying. '' Why did you do that, why did you leave me? '' I asked him why he was trying to stop me from hitting him. He held my head and hugged me. '' Let me look at you '' he said with a smile neither of us spoke, but it was a moment I can't forget. We did nothing more than stand there looking at each other. Yes, that was not something that surprised me. I felt secure and safe and I haven't felt that way since.

We went in the living room and I had the feeling that I was walking in the dancing hall. '' Coffee? '' I asked

He nodded and said: please. But where is sleepy head? '' Homework '' I replied. '' Can I go and see him? '' He asked. He didn't wait for my reply, and climbed the stairs. I heard Fawaz's screaming from Joy. while I was making coffee, I remembered that it was my birthday , I was 30 , but I felt like I was 60 . '' I'm here '' he said in the kitchen. I felt his eyes on the back of my head. I turned to him and gave him his coffee. He gazed at me and said '' I finally found the strength to ask you something '' ''what? '' I asked. Do I mean anything to you? I had just come to the point where I was able to trust my self and I replied '' do you really need an answer? '' Do you know that you rarely leave my thoughts? I can see you and hear your voice every where. I'm fond of you. And I never knew love like the love I feel

for you.'' then let's get married '' he said. I remained beside him. I couldn't look at him. '' Promise me you will understand, please '' I said and I continued. '' Religion '' my religion. I told you before . This complicated every thing. Complicated? He asked, I turned towards him and I asked him '' will you be a Muslim? '' He said nothing for a moment I was afraid. '' But, this is so wrong, why can't we just marry. I didn't ask you to be Christian '' he said A Muslim woman takes a Muslim husband only. For the first time I saw a critical look at his eyes looking over my face and it annoyed me. '' As you wish '' he said. I love you and I will always love you. You are my life, but I was born Christian and im so proud of it. I'm proud of you to and I respect you. He walked to the living room where my son and my mother were sitting and told them that he came to take us to the United States for a visit. My mother strongly

refused but he begged her to think. I could feel her staring at me. He told me that he will call me the next morning to know our decision. After he had gone I set near my mother and I tried to find a way just make her feel relieved. She gazed at me without speaking, I kissed her on her forehead and I said '' please mother help me ''. '' I'm here for you '' she said. I said to her softly, I want to go to find a solution; I want to find a way to end my struggle. Please trust me. She kissed me back and gave me one of her precious smiles. I rose and picked up the telephone and called him. I couldn't wait for him to call me tomorrow '' wonderful '' give me your passports and leave every thing to me. He said.

It felt amazing, as if the whole world was changing for me. before knowing Alex , I didn't think anything mattered , I didn't ever think I had any importance . '' Finally I will put an end to the problem.'' I whispered to myself I wasn't happy just to

have a holiday to the United States but I was happy for two reasons, the one I mentioned before and the most important one is to be near him. A Real change came over me , and it never occurred to me that my son would take any notice , that caught me by surprise when he said to me '' you look happy mama until the next day when he came to take our passports and told us to be ready to travel . Suddenly my mother asked for her passport to be returned, she decided not to go. '' Don't get your self all concerned about me. I'll be fine honey. ''She said. I felt guilty and my guilt made me want to please her more than ever. I avoided her eyes that she knew I'm going to find an answer. She trusted me. I felt more assured of my self, and I must admit it, it was a strange feeling. We were told that our flight is after two days, so, we kept packing when I noticed a warm smile on my son's face all day, and it was charming. He was good at what he did, he won our hearts.

On the day of departure, Alex came to take us to the airport. My mother was strong but still I saw her eyes were full with tears. '' Goodbye mother '' I said trying to pull myself together. Fawaz hugged his grandmother and kissed her. '' I will bring you a present grandmother '', he said.

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