Straight Talk, August 2007

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Who is your role model?

Inspiration corner

A role model is someone you admire and wish to be like. So, who is your role model? What do you like or admire about him or her? How do you think your role model's character can help you? • Send us your honest stories.

Hon. Denis Obua is the Youth MP for Northern Uganda. He is married with one child. "To avoid violence in my marriage, I listen to my wife, discuss openly and give each other constructive criticism". If you are in a relationship try to understand your partner well. Avoid excessive alcohol because it gives false courage. Also, change your attitude. You do not need to hurt your partner to prove that you are man or woman enough! Stay safe.

WINA

TERM'S FEES. WRITE TO THE BIG QUESTION, 07 ugust 20 A 8 . o N Vol. 14

STRAIGHT TALK, PO BOX 22366, KAMPALA

Violence in relationships Violence fuels the HIV epidemic

D

id you know that violence in relationships is one of the drivers of the HIV epidemic?

Thats true. Available data indicates that violence in relationships is one of the root causes of HIV. It is fuelled by gender norms, power differences and society's attitude towards social responsibilities. Violence is the physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse of one partner by the other partner in a relationship. Abusive behavior is any act carried out by one partner aimed at hurting the other. Violence is about power and control.It can happen in any relationship and by either partner. A violent relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. You may not be hurt physically, but verbal and emotional abuses are just as painful and often lead to physical violence.

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"I had a friend who was beaten by her boyfriend because he went to the hospital and found out he had syphilis. So he concluded that it was the girlfriend who brought the disease. The boy hit the girl and they started a fight. The matter was reported to the elders. They were advised to respect eachother and to avoid cheating on each other. But this did not help. Hatred brewed between them. My friend decided to leave the boy and now she is concentrating on her books. If she had continued with the relationship, I think the boy would have killed her. Nazziwa A, 15, Kagongo Parent’s SS, Ibanda When someone uses abuse and violence against you, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control you. Although most people think that violence in relationships happens only between married persons, the same kind of violence also happens in adolescent relationships. Are you in a violent relationship or do you have a friend who is in a violent relationship? How are they managing?

In the June Straight Talk we asked readers:

quiz

"Why do young people experience violence in their relationships? What sort of violence do they experience? Would you stay in a relationship that is violent? How would you know if your partner is violent or not? How would you handle it?" Through the quiz we wanted to know the kind of violence that exists in your relationships, what causes it and how you handle it. Your views may help someone in a violent relationship get out of it. Thanks a lot for your letters. Most of you said you would not stay in violent relationships. But a few readers said they would give their partners a second chance and help them to change. "My girlfriend was forcing me to have sex and yet I was not ready. So she decided to go and sleep with other men. Fortunately I found her and slapped her. This marked the end of our relationship. But afterwards I got so worried and could not concentrate in class. I went to a counselor and sought advice. It helped me cope with the situation. People should know that girls too can cause violence not only boys."Janmy Gerald, 18, S6, Ibanda SS Aisha and Gerald's stories are some of the many stories of violent experiences we want to discuss in this issue. But first what do you know about violence in teen relationships and what causes it? Read on.

UNIQUE: Sam K, an S6 student of Nyakasura School, Fort- Portal in his uniform. Can you find out the history behind this school uniform?

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2 Straight Talk, August 2007

Causes of violence in teen relationships

Violence in adolescent relationships is influenced by how young people look at themselves and others. Girls are most vulnerable to violence because boys often think they have power over them. But in some relationships, girls can also be violent. Readers identified some causes of violence in their relationships. Lack of communication Violence is mainly caused by lack of communication between partners. For example the use of the word "You", I told you, you did this and

that... always shifts blame on the other and having unrealistic expectations may cause problems. A partner my expect a lot from the other, which he/she cannot offer. This may cause

misunderstandings.Namwosa C, S4, Kamonkoli College, Mbale

Unfaithfulness Unfaithfulness, gossip, false stories and alcohol lead to misunderstandings. Namitala Phiona, Comprehensive College Kitetikka, Wakiso

Level of Education Violence can happen if one partner underlooks the other especially if there is a difference in the level of education. Mukesha M, S6, St Gatrude's Girls Voc. Sch. Kisoro

Hot temper Hot tempered partners can be violent. A simple mistake can lead to a quarrel and this may result in a fight and hurting one another. Also high sexual urge by some partners may lead to harrassment and rape which may lead to break up. Mawirwe D, St Getrude's Voc SS, Kisoro

Forms of violence teens face ST readers said that violence in their relationships takes the form of emotional, physical and sexual. Emotional violence - harms the person’s self esteem or causes shame. Examples include: • repeated lies, broken promises, withholding affection • extreme jealousy that keeps a partner away from friends or interests • insults and humiliation • threats against a person’s safety • controlling a person’s every move, including how to dress, what to eat, where to go

Physical Abuse - causes physical pain or injury. Examples include: • punching, kicking, or slapping • shaking, pushing or grabbing hard enough to cause discomfort

I can know if my partner is violent if he takes a lot of alcohol, never respects himself or others. Tumusiime P R, S2 B, Comprehensive College, Kitetikka, Kampala I would look at how he follows my decisions. If my partner tends to ignore my ideas then I would know he has violent tendencies. Also, if he does more talking than listening it means he has dominating character and cannot listen to my opinions. Ahimbisibwe A, S2, Katikamu SDA, Wobulenzi Luwero Most readers mentioned that early warning signs that show your boy/girlfriend may eventually become violent include: • Extreme jealousy • Controlling behaviour • Mood swings • Alcohol and drug abuse • Explosive anger • Isolating partner from friends and family • Using force during an argument • Being too sensitive on issues • Blaming others for his/her problems or feelings • Verbally abusive • Has abused former partner •Threatening you with violence

You are a valuable person. You have choices and you deserve to be treated with respect.

Girls may believe: • They are responsible for sol problems in their relation ving • Their boyfriend's jealou ships sy, possessiveness and even physical abuse is out of love • Violence is normal be cause their friends are also being ab • They can cure a violen used t boyfriend • There is no one to ask for help

Some boys have high sexual libido. So they demand sex all the time. When the girl refuses they end up fighting or even raping them. Mategeko J, St. Gertrude's Voc. SS, Kisoro

• any physical act that is unwanted or hurtful - even tickling or hugging if it is unwanted

You can choose better relationships, if you learn to identify early warning signs of a violent relationship.

Boys may believe: • They have a right to co ntrol their partners as they wish • Being a man means be ing physically aggressive • They posses their partn ers • They should and can demand intimacy • They may lose respect if they are attentive and supportiv e toward their girlfriends

Sexual Abuse - is any kind of unwanted sexual advance or contact. Sexual violence may include everything from unwelcome sexual comments, touching, kissing to intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse between two people who know each other is called “date rape.”

A partner can threaten and blackmail you to do what they want. Sometimes they humiliate you by saying things that make you feel small. So you also get angry and may end up fighting. Osinya D, Buwembe SS, Busia

Warning signs

Other causes

Why stick in a violent relationship? Having a relationship with someone is never worth being hurt or feeling afraid. But some people stay in relationships even if they are unhealthy. Why do they do that? LOVE - Abusers are not always hurtful. Many abusers have a likable and loving side that makes their victims think that the abuse would stop. Many victims think they can change the abuser’s behaviour. FEAR - A partner may threaten to hurt him or herself if they decide to leave. DOUBT - It is not always easy to admit that the relationship you are in is abusive. If your partner is popular at school (athletics, academics, etc.) you may be

concerned about losing social status with your peers. EMBARRASSMENT - Young people who ask for help (especially from parents) may perceive themselves to be failures. Some believe that their parents will react violently if they inform them of the abuse. I would not stay in a relationship that is violent. It leads to long term unhappiness and lack of peace of mind. A relationship that is violent may lead to injur y or death due to fights. Arinaitwe K, Kyamakanda SS, Rukungiri Do you know anybody who is a victim of such violence? • Listen and believe them • Support them and • Encourage them to talk to someone

3 Straight Talk, August 2007

Effects of violence in relationships

Violence can range from broken bones and bruised self-esteem to permanent injury and even death. Victims may also come to view abuse as a normal part of their relationships. Violence can prevent a young person from growing and learning from healthy relationships. to change the school. I settled down even improved my performance. Fellow girls always listen to your elders and put academics first." Kyasimire A, Kyakitanga SS, Mutara-Bushenyi

Star letter I had a boyfriend I loved so much. One day he came and slapped me without explaining a thing. He heard rumours that I had another boyfriend but it was not true. I decided to leave him. But he kept on abusing me and telling everyone that I am a prostitute. This traumatized me. I could not concentrate in class and it affected my performance. I decided

Kyasimire is the winner of a term's fees for this issue. And every letter used wins a Straight Talk T-shirt. Congratulations!

Effects of violence may include: • Loss of appetite • Shame • Mistrust of self and others • Depression • Fear • Terror • Self-blame • Sadness • Confusion • Anxiety • Guilt • Suicide • Death

Straight Talkers from Ibanda SS say Straight Talk as made them what they are;

Are you in a violent in relationship? Believe t ge or yourself, get help p out of the relationshi

Handling a violent partner

more yourself self more Love your

Many young people experience violence of some sorts in their relationships. It is an unacceptable and a violation of rights. If your partner is violent, watch out! Tell your partner how you feel. There is no shame in talking about it. Violent people will make you believe that you asked for it and therefore you deserve it. It is never your fault! Someone who cares for you should not want to hurt you in any way. To hurt is to destroy. To destroy is to kill a relationship. You may want to save face by keeping a violent partner, fearing that your friends will laugh at you. Do not endure such behaviour. It is not worth it. You have a choice to walk out. You are young and free. Your partner does not own you. You do not have to feel chained. Do something for yourself. Sometimes if you have been in a relationship for a long time, you may feel you cannot live without this partner. That isn’t true. You can give them a second chance only if they are willing to seek help. Even if they apologised to you yesterday, you can tell that your partner is violent by their words and actions through threats, abuse, possessive behaviour and not giving you space to make friends with people of the opposite sex and mistrust. Leave them if they don’t accept that they have a problem and won't deal with it.

The best way to handle violence is by not accepting it at all. If you are a violent person, seek counseling. Learn to share your problems with someone you trust. They can help you. And if you are the one being violated talk to someone too. If you cannot sort out issues leave the relationship and let your partner know its over. I was once in love with a guy who failed to confirm that I loved him. He would always put me down whenever I gave out ideas. He couldn't tell me what his views were. He used to stop me whenever I talked to guys. One day I heard that he was cheating on me. When I tried to ask him, he roared and slapped me in public. I could not bear his behaviour and chucked him there and then. Up to now we never talk or even send greetings to each other. Namanda M, S4, Comprehensive College Kitetikka, Wakiso To build a safe and healthy relationship: • Communicate often and clearly • Try to control your emotions • Respect your partner the way you wish to be respected • Trust your instincts • Do not listen to rumours • Be faithful to each other

Talk Talk is good Talk is healthy

Violence should not be part of a normal relationship because it involves behaviour, which reaches far beyond what we usually think. Healthy relationships call for treating others with respect, rather than humiliating them. Prossy Jonker Nakanjako, Child Rights Activist, Raising Voices.

To handle violence, talk with your partner. Talk should be sensible and calm. Counsellor: Falal Rubanga Jennifer, Ambrosoli International School, Kampala

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Causes of obstetric

parents' home. Nakakande Scovia, 17, Ndagwe, Masaka Scovia's story is one of the many sad experiences faced by young girls.

Dear readers, did you get the July Straight Talk issue? We talked about obstetric fistula. Read and learn about the causes of obstetric fistula, a serious childbirth complication. Obstetric fistula is an injury caused during complicated child bearing. It occurs when a girl or woman fails to deliver normally and her internal organs get injured. Obstetric fistula a hole or holes that develop between the: •Vagina and rectum •Vagina and urethra •Vagina and bladder •Vagina, bladder and rectum

The main cause of fistula is obstructed labour. It occurs when the unborn baby: • Does not fit through the girl's small pelvis • Is not positioned correctly for delivery

This results in urine or the faeces or both to leak uncontrollably through the vagina. What causes obstetric fistula? I got pregnant when I was 17. I started labour in the night after supper. I was taken to a traditional birth attendant. I could not deliver. On the fourth day I fainted. I was told that my husband hired a car and took me to Kitovu hospital where I was rushed to the threatre. They got the baby out, but he was dead. When I woke up I realised, urine was leaking. My husband left me for another woman and I went back to my

Obstructed labour usually results in prolonged labour due to delays in: • Deciding to seek care • Reaching the health facility and • Recieving approapriate care at the facility

Fistula is not a curse. It can be corrected

Who is at risk of developing obstetric fistula? Obstetric fistula commonly occurs among girls experiencing their first

pregnancy. Although fistula is technically a medical condition resulting from obstructed labour and lack of timely access to emergency obstetric care, its causes are social, cultural and economic. Poverty, poor access to health sevices, early childbearing, malnutrition and lack of women empowerment to make health decisions are some of the underlying factors. Prevention is key to ending fistula To prevent fistula: • Young girls should avoid early pregnancy by delaying to have sex • Pregnant women should attend antenatal care and deliver in a health facility under skilled medical care • Mothers should attend postnatal care (check-up and care given to mothers after giving birth)

4

Straight Talk, August 2007

No safe days

Dear

SYFA 3666 2236 Boxx 22 O. Bo P.P. O. L M P A A KK AA M P A L A

Is it true that you can get pregnant when you have sex after periods? Nannengo J, 16, S2, St Lawrence SS, Mityana Yes, you can still get pregnant. There are no safe days from pregnancy for young girls. You can still get pregnant before, during and after menstruation as long as you have unprotected sex. Delay sex or use condoms to avoid pregnancy and STDs.

Pregnancy signs Incest I am in S1 I had sex with my cousin and got pregnant. I do not want to abort and leave school. What can I do? FJ, Busoga HS, Jinja Thank you for saying no to abortion. It is very risky to your life. Continue saying no to whoever may encourage you to abort. We all make mistakes in life and it does not bring life to an end. Talk to your parents or a relative you trust about the pregnancy. You also need to visit a health facility for antenatal care. After delivery, talk to your parents/guardian about going back to school. Do not lose hope. Give yourself another chance. You can still make it in life. My boyfriend and I trust each other. He promised to marry me after studies. But when we are together he touches me and this arouses my sexual feelings. How can I avoid this but maintain our relationship? N B, S3, 17, KP SS, Kibale Talk to your boyfriend about what may result from touches. Arousing your sexual feelings may lead to having sexual intercourse. Avoid being in isolated places for long hours with your boyfriend. Never fear to tell your boyfriend anything that does not make you happy.

Problem solving I’m ever sad and upset when I have problems. How can I deal with this? G Jawotho, 18, S3, Kugumba SS, Masindi Sorry about that. Everyone in life experiences such feelings. Problems, disappointments, failure to achieve set goals cause sad feelings. What is most important is never to give up in life. Talk to a friend, teacher or a counselor whenever you have problems. They can advise you on how to deal with the problems.

When a girl gets pregnant, how long does it take to be noticed by other people? And what are the signs of pregnancy? Mukombozi I, S4, Nyakyera SS Ntungamo The best way to find out if one is pregnant is by having a medical checkup. However, there are some obvious signs like if a girl misses her periods after having unprotected sex. Infertility How does infertility occur in people who have already started producing sperm? Kisakye B, S3, 16, Wairaka Modern SS, Jinja There are many causes of infertility. One major cause is sexually transmitted infections. These are spread

I appreciate your advice. You have made many youth remain safe, which is pleasing our old people. Obaet Calvin, 17, Ongino SS, Kumi

No. That is not true, the main way in which HIV is trainsmitted is through unprotected sexual intercourse with an infected person. Do not fear to share cups, plates with an HIV positive person. People living with HIV do need our love and care.

Virginity My friend told me that if you have sex with a young boy you will not lose virginity. Is it true? NK, Garama SS, Kasese A virgin is any person who has not had sex with another person. If you have sex with any person whether young or old you will lose your virginity. Delay sex and keep your virginity. It is valuable and no one should pressure you into sex if you are not ready. Just say no to your friend.

for it. We are afraid of having sex. But we are also worried that they can leave us if we continue refusing. Annet N, Namungona HS, Kampala Your boyfriends should not pressure you to have sex. The fact that you are worried shows that you are not ready for sex. Before you have sex with anyone you need to think of the consequences that comes with it. You could get pregnant and drop out of school. You could also get an STD. Talk to your boyfriends and let them know how you feel about their demands. If your boyfriends really love you, they will respect your concerns and keep the relationship. But even if they leave you, you still have a life ahead of you. You will get other boyfriends. Counsellor: Godfrey Walakira

Pressure to have sex My friend and I have boy friends. We have never had sex but our boyfriends are asking through having unprotected sex with an infected person. To prevent STDs, delay to have sex or use condoms. Remember to have an HIV test before you have sex. It will help you to stay healthy. Is it true that if you grow without getting any feelings for a boy or girl you are abnormal? Namukasa P, Conbert Modern Sch, Entebbe No. That is not true. Sexual feelings for the opposite sex come at different stages of adolescent development. For some people it takes a long time. If you haven’t experienced the feelings don’t worry, at the right time you will. No one should pressure you to find a boyfriend.

We advise youth to avoid bad groups because they can lure you into sex. R Alex, S Kalemire and B Joshua, Kitolhu SS Kasese

STF Volunteer from Birmingham University UK (inset) talk with students of Kaduggala SS, Masaka

HIV Stigma Is it true that if you share a room with a person infected by HIV you can also get infected? Mugabirwe G, 14, Muhanga SS, Kisoro

Visit Hope Clinic Lukuli

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