Straight Talk, April 2008

Ah, off to drink again! If men worked as much as us, our family would be richer.

Uganda is committed to empowerment of women by 2015. Will we make it? WRITE TO PO BOX 22366 KLA and tell us how many hours your mother works compared to your father. Are the workloads equal?

Feeling a little crazy? It must be adolescence! In this nice photo are two students of Katerema SS, Tororo, excited to meet the Straight Talk team. They said they have stayed safe by reading Straight Talk and listening to the Straight Talk radio shows.

o. 4 April Vol. 15 N

2008

Be assertive! A

ssertiveness means expressing yourself strongly and clearly. It is believing that you have the right to have an opinion and feelings.

Imagine you are on a bus and the man next to you starts touching your breast. Do you sit quietly, too embarrassed to say anything? Are you frightened of being inconvenient to others so you let him keep bothering you? No! You can stand up and move to another seat or firmly look at the man and say: "Stop". Assertiveness is not being ashamed or apologising when you want something that is your right. You have a right to sit on a bus undisturbed. Assertiveness means taking care of yourself. It is not always easy to be assertive. It can feel rude. But sometimes it is necessary, if that is the only way you can make yourself understood. Assertiveness is standing by your beliefs and statements and, if necessary, repeating them. When you are assertive, you make eye contact and speak slowly and clearly.

Many Straight Talkers are already assertive! Rhoda Aacha of Soroti SS says: "My friends told me to get a boyfriend and go to discos with them. They said I was the odd one out and was ashaming them. I told them I could not get a boyfriend. I had to concentrate on my books. They were not happy and stopped being my friends. One of them got pregnant later." "When I finished P7," says Serida Angwedo, 16, S2, Halcyon HS, Soroti, "my uncle told me to go to tailoring school. I was not happy. I wanted to go to secondary school. I went to him and told him what I felt. He listened carefully and agreed to take me to secondary school." In contrast, Anyerabel Angeleta, 17, S3, of Issoke Memorial College, Kitgum, learnt to be assertive after making a mistake. After her PLE, she "gave in to a boy" and became pregnant. Luckily her mother sent her back to school. But there she faced further struggles. This time she was assertive. Says Angeleta: "A student told me that I should go home because I was a mother. I told him off and reported him and they suspended him. I thank my mother for supporting me. I want to be a nurse."

Rhoda Aacha, Soroti SS: I refused to have a boyfriend

GOOD STORIES! Straight Talkers, remember: •Everyone has a right to change their mind •Everybody has a right to be successful •Everybody has the ability to become assertive

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Love, sex and assertiveness No, Tom, I do not want sex. I just came to see you.

But Rita, you are the one who wanted sex last time.

Assertive! Serida Angwedo does not care walking 14 km a day to study. She got what she wanted, joining secondary school. Oh baby, I can't eat. I can't concentrate in class. Please..

Oh, please...

Well, I have changed my mind. No. Sometimes assertiveness takes a bit of effort! Ok, you know it was a mistake to visit Tom in his room, but you tell him clearly that you do not want sex. At first he takes it nicely.

Then he gets nasty. You get scared since it is true that you had sex with him once. But then you remember that Straight Talk says you have a right to change your mind.

I cannot continue this discussion. Talk to the hand. An assertive person does not beg or over-explain. You have made up your mind. He is now begging and not listening. The best thing now is to calmly walk away.

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Straight Talk, April 2008

Golden rules of assertiveness

1 Decide what you want or feel and be exact and direct about it.

•Luo Tek cuny: Tek means

strength, courage and confidence. Cuny means feelings, belief. •Ateso Ajaut ka atitingu alimun nu ikoto ijo: means being with courage to say what you want •Lusoga Obumalirivu: being bold and forceful when expressing what you want

2 Do not justify yourself or seek approval. Say: "I do not want to have sex." NOT "I think I am getting my period and my mum is about to come home, and I'm a virgin, so if it is okay with you, I do not want to have sex."

•Runyankole-Rukiga

Okuba omuhwa nshoni: being bold and courageous to say what you want •Luganda Obutemotyamotya (obutatya kwogera) ku ky'oyagala oba kyotoyagala : saying what you want or do not want without fear

3 Stick to your statement. If need be, keep repeating it. 4 Assertively deflect (redirect) any responses from the other person which might weaken your assertive position. This 'No' is not assertive enough! Let your body language also say NO.

Saying "assertiveness" in our mother tongues

But do we really have to test for HIV?

You have a right not to suffer unwanted touches. 5 Use "I" statements like, "I feel confused when you....' NOT "You make me confused when you...." 6 Make eye contact. 7 Stand or sit up straight.

touch things as you talk). 9 Speak slowly and clearly. 10 Low tones are more effective. If your voice is getting high, take a deep breath and lower it.

8 Do not fiddle (move or

YES! YES! YES!

If need be, keep repeating it. Also boys need to be assertive

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They say I am impotent but that's trash. They can't put me down.

BOYS

KNOW YOUR BODY: Impotence and infertility

Our parents want grand children. When we delay to have sex, they assume we are impotent and they look for herbs. Yet it is just our decision to abstain. Bilali Magumba. People say: "If a boy's urine doesn't go far when urinating, he is impotent. Is it true? Jimmy Is it true that if the mother touches a boy's penis within three days after giving birth the boy will be impotent? Lawrence Is it true that if an impotent man is kept in the house and his mother bathes, carries and treats him like a baby, he will become normal? Tom

Fevers and wearing tight pants can cause temporary infertility by lowering your sperm count. Sperm production takes about 30 days.

to have sex to prove that they are not impotent or infertile. Ignore these myths because the dangers of starting sex early like getting HIV/ STDs are real. STDs can actually cause you to be infertile! IMPOTENCE is the inability of a male to sustain an erection up to the time of ejaculation. INFERTILITY means you do not have enough sperm cells (low sperm count) to make a female pregnant. Impotence is extremely unsual in young males. If you are having erections, you are not impotent. Erections occur as a result of an

Is it true that if you delay to have sex, you will become infertile? Oonyu, Ongiino SS Hi, boy Straight Talkers. We know that you have many questions about impotence and infertility. We want you to know that impotence and infertility are different. Many young people are pressured

They tell me to eat ground nuts, chew sugar cane, use herbs, have sex, produce heirs ... How about giving me a break?

increase in the amount of blood flowing to the penis. This blood gets trapped in the penis and causes it to become long and firm. Sometimes boys who are having sex lose the erection. This may be due to fear or other stress. Older men sometimes cannot sustain an erection because they suffer from a disorder like diabetes which can affect the blood flow to the penis. In contrast, some men have no problem with erections but cannot impregnate a female. They are infertile. The biggest cause of infertility is untreated STDs. STDs may cause scars that block the tubes leading from the testicles. The man can still have erections and ejaculate, but the seminal fluid will contain very few or no sperms at all. If you are worried about not being able to have a baby, the best thing is to protect yourself from STDs at all times. So boys, do not listen to grandparents who want you to hurry to produce babies for the clan. Smile at them, take your time and choose the best. Thanks to Dr Alex Kakoraki and Dr Steven Watiti

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Straight Talk, April 2008

Get your rights: do not be passive or aggressive

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You are assertive when you stand up for your personal rights without putting down the rights of others. If you can do this, you will be able to: • • • •

say no without feeling guilty disagree without feeling angry ask for help when you need it as a result you will feel better about yourself and have more honest friends and friendship. Look at these three types of behavior

2. Passive • • • •

Taking no action to assert yourself Putting others first at your expense Giving into what others want Remaining silent when something bothers you • A pologizing a lot

1. Assertive

• Standing up for your own rights without putting down the rights of others • Respecting yourself as well as the other person • Listening and talking • Expressing positive and negative feelings • Being confident, but not 'pushy'

Brave boys Sometimes things may not go the way you want. Stay focused on your dreams. Assertiveness can help.

My father paid my fees up to S4 then stopped because I got a second grade. I stayed home for a year doing nothing. I joined gangs of bad boys. We would cross to DR Congo or Sudan to repair vehicles. Our employers paid us peanuts. We slept under vehicles. One time I told my parents that I am going to disappear for good because they were not caring about me. I went to Juba where I continued with mechanics. But then my uncle who is a priest called me back and offered to pay my fees. I came back and joined S5. J. Felix, 20, S5, Kabalega SS, Masindi. My father could not take me to school because he had many children to look after. So I went to Kampala and joined a boxing club. I lived on the streets. I went back to Lira when my mother was sick.When

3. Aggressive

• Standing up for your own rights with no thought about the other person • Putting yourself first at the expense of others • Overpowering others • Getting your own goals at the expense of others

Inspiration corner Hey, Straight Talkers! Win a copy of Purple Hibiscus, a beautiful novel by Nigerian writer Chimamanda Adichie. She wrote it when she was just 23.

Send your short story to PO Box 22366 Kampala.

What are and boyfriendss or? girlfriend f I reached home, my grandfather gave me money to go to school. I went straight to P3 because I was 10 years and too old for P1 and P2. I am now in S6 and I want to do engineering at university. Godfrey Ogwal, 22, S6, Kabalega SS, Masindi After my PLE my uncle took me to work at building sites. He used to take part of the money I was paid. One day I told him to take me back to school with the money he was taking from me. I asked the LCs to talk to him but he would not listen. Shortly, I got a bursary from Windle Trust. I want to be a mechanic. Ayela J, 17, S3, Issoke Memorial College, Kitgum I had friends who used to drink alcohol. Some asked me to join them. I feared being expelled. I refused to join them. Oyango J, 18, S5 Kabalega SS, Masindi

DICTIONARY

ASSERT - To state clearly and forcefully the truth PUSHY - Trying constantly to get what you want.

Send your answers to PO Box 22366, Kampala

Straight Talk club activity Hi John! Have you ever had sex?

No! I've never

You should have sex. If you have not had sex then you are not a Enough of that Peter, just give me a break!

Everyday we face situations that call for assertiveness. In your clubs, practise making your “yes” a real "yes" and your “no” a real "no" without fighting, abusing or quarrelling. Practise standing up for what you want without apologising or over-explaining. Here are eight scenarios to role play. SCENARIO 1: Your brothers are shouting. You have an exam. SCENARIO 2: Your best friend wants you to take a love letter to your brother/sister. SCENARIO 3: A shopkeeper (lady or man) keeps holding your hand when you try to pay.

SCENARIO 4: Friends invite you to watch ponography. SCENARIO 5: A girl in class touches your knee so you get an erection. SCENARIO 6: Your girlfriend wants sex without a condom. SCENARIO 7: A man wants to give you schoolfees. He also wants sex. SCENARIO 8: A boy/girl gives you a gift.

How did you feel when you were acting the assertive person. Was it hard? What did you feel when someone was being assertive with you? Write to Straight Talk about your role plays: PO Box 22366 K'la.

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4 Straight Talk, Arpil 2008

Dear

SYFA P. O. Bo x 22 36 6 K A M P A L A

If a couple is discordant (where one has HIV and the other does not) and they decide to have a child, will this child be infected with HIV or not? Mbusa L, Moroto HS If it is the mother who is negative, the couple will have a negative child. They can also have a negative child if the mother is positive but she must go for Prevention of Mother to Child Transmission. (PMTCT) services . She and the baby need to take all the required medicines. Mbusa, if you know of any such couple, please advise them to go to a health center with PMTCT. When married people do not get children, how can you know who is infertile? Kara M, Ndeeba SS, Kampala Kara, a fertility test is the only way a couple can tell if it is the man or woman who is unable to have children. This can be done at a major health centre or a hospital. For the woman it involves scanning her tubes. For the man it involves checking his sperm count under a microscope. The main cause of infertility in women and men is untreated STDs. Avoid STDs by delaying sex until you find a partner with whom you can openly discuss sexual health. Test together for HIV/STDs. Then use condoms. Visit a health centre quickly if you think you might have an STD. Is it true that when a girl climbs a tree she loses her virginity? Nabatanzi S, S6, Our Lady Consolata SS, Wakiso Absolutely not. Girls can only loose their virginity through sex with a boy. Do not be deceived.

Advice to J My class teacher wants to love me. He told me if I refuse, he will go against me and tell all other teachers that I am not disciplined. What should I do? J. Masindi HS

Act fast, report that teacher to the senior woman teacher. If no action is taken and he continues disturbing you, go ahead and report to the head teacher. Report to your parents as well. Be ready and firm to stand by your word when called upon. Do not be intimidated. Your life is precious. Protect your dignity! Magero Andrew, Crane High School, Kitintale, Kampala

New Styles SS Kawaala Straight Talk Club members reading Straight Talk. They say Straight Talk has given them wisdom and the ability to make the right decisions Is it true that when you eat groundnuts you will have more sperms? Komugisha P, 15, S1, Ntungamo Kamugisha, there is no relationship between groundnuts and the manufacture of sperms. Sperm manufaturing is a natural process every boy goes through. It happens whether you eat ground-nuts or not. Even in countries where groundnuts are not eaten, men produce sperm and have children. Groundnuts are like any other protein food you can have. Why is it that when people are in love and one disappears, the other suffers from hysteria? MG, 14, S2, Serwanga Lwanga SS, MG, to love and to be loved is a normal and nice feeling. But some people who are not in control of their feelings end up becoming hysterical. Do not allow love to take up much of your time, otherwise you will miss out on good opportunities in life.

different. Some are very hairy, and others are not. Are you developing normally in other ways? Do you have erections, for example. Visit a health unit if the worry is too much. I am an orphan with so many problems. My friends tell me that if I have a boyfriend, he can solve my problems. Is this true? Ampaire S, 14, Bishop Ruhindi Kebisoni HS, Rukungiri Ampaire, sorry about your situation. Who is paying your school fees and buying you scholastic materials? Be grateful that you are still in school. Read hard for your future and even to encourage the person paying your fees. Having a boyfriend will worsen your situation. Will you be getting the boyfriend for the right reasons? Will you be comfortable

Do not accept anything from that teacher. Say no to him. Inform your parents and the senior woman teacher. When he tells them you are indisciplined, they will know he is telling lies about you. Kanagalyawa Jafari, Kyambogo College School

Congratulations, you all

win T- Shirts

Falal Rubanga, Counsellor, Straight Talk Foundation

Advise GK I have stayed with my girlfriend for five years and we are abstaining. We love each other very much but due to peer pressure she has started asking for sex. I am focusing on my studies and I do not want to make her pregnant which might lead us to early marriage. Friends, what can I do?GK, Ndeeba SS, Kayunga WRITE TO P.O. BOX 22366, KAMPALA

I am 20 years and I have not yet got pubic hair. What could be the problem? Wambi G, S5, St Peters College Buweera, Jinja Wambi, human beings are This teacher does not love you because he is threatening and intimidating you. Tell a trusted adult or your headmaster to help you. Say NO to him. True love is based on respect not threats Ayebazibwe Julius, Rweru School, Bushenyi

in this relationship? You will have trouble meeting his demands like spending time with him and sex. This will leave you without time for studies. A boyfriend who can meet your needs could be a sugar daddy. You will have little say in such a relationship. You might struggle to insist on condom use because of the age gap and because you are his dependant. You will risk HIV. You are not the only orphaned girl. Look for organisations that can help you. Be strong.

ce adviice Best adv I advise young people to avoid sugar partners. Those who had them before should go for an HIV test. Nakazibwe Prossy, Namungoona SS, Wakiso

wins ST

T-shirts rss ruler and rule

STRAIGHT TALK FOUNDATION

Plot 4 Acacia Avenue, Kololo, P. O. Box 22366, Tel: 0312-262030, 0312-262031, 0414-530088 Kampala (U), Fax: 0414-534858, E-mail: [email protected], Web: www.straight-talk.or.ug, Director: C. Watson, Deputy Director: T. Agutu, Editorial Manager: E. Kimuli, Editors: G. Awekofua, M. Akello, J. Abongowath, D. Agaba, Chief Designer: M.eB Kalanzi, Designer: G.B Mukasa, Funded by DANIDA, DFID, SIDA Printer: The New Vision

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