Session 2 - Relationship Cure

Big Idea Discussion Guide Series: Love Is Never Enough Week: September 23rd / 24th Topic: Love is never enough…for Men

Series Introduction How much people care about each other is never what makes the difference in their relationships. Knowing what the other person really needs and knowing how to meet those needs is what makes the difference. The problems people have in their romantic relationships, both dating and marriage, is usually not because they do not love each other. It is because love (when you’ve defined it by how much you care or how strongly you feel about someone) is never enough. We need to know what the other person really needs and how we can meet those needs with God’s help. Love needs to be shown in order for it to be enough. “Dear children, let us stop just saying that we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.” I John 3:18 (NLT) The questions in this series are focused on couples, dating or married, and how to increase the satisfaction in these relationships. When discussing relationship issues in a group, things can easily become negative and we can find ourselves using the group as a place to complain about our partner or to build a case against our partner and enlist the group members to take our side. To steer clear of these temptations, please follow these discussion rules during this series: 1. Limit your sharing to your own thoughts and feelings. 2. Focus on what you can do differently or better, rather then on what your partner needs to do differently. 3. Share your thoughts and feelings in a way that encourages and uplifts the man or woman in your life. Opening Question Who are some of your favorite male characters from a TV show? What do these characters depict about the way men are viewed in our culture? Big Idea A man feels loved when his partner understands and attempts to meet his basic needs.

Introduction…to the Male

What's going on in a man's mind? From their early days, every woman has struggled to understand why males behave the way they do. For instance, women may recognize some of these ‘manly’ behaviors: Giving high fives Cooking meat on a grill Buying gadgets Watching football...and baseball…and basketball…and… Eating triple-stacked bacon cheeseburgers. Refusing to read the directions Watching movies that show things blowing up Leaving the toilet seat up Women often ask, “Why do men do these things?” There are a variety of ways that men characteristically act in the context of a relationship either with a wife, girlfriend, sister, or mother that can also be baffling and even frustrating. Many of the conflicts that men have with women regarding these relationship behaviors have to do with misunderstandings of a man’s most basic needs. 1. Women, what kind of “manly” behaviors baffle you? Men, what other kind of things do you do as a man that women just don’t and will never understand? 2. In your relationships, are there certain male behaviors that cause disagreements?

Respect “…the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” -Ephesians 5:33 (NASB) Women may think men have huge egos that need to be fed all the time, but that’s only the surface illusion. The reality is that men need to feel respected for what they do well. A man values what you appreciate and admire about him more than how you feel about him. An interesting consideration about a man is this: he would rather be alone and do his own thing than be with a woman he cares about but feel inadequate. Honestly, men don’t always want to be thought of as the clumsy brutes or the dimwitted buffoons of the household. Deep down inside, a man wants to be the hero to the woman of his life. John Elderidge, in his book Wild at Heart, illustrates this very well: A man wants to be the hero to the beauty. …What would Robin Hood or King Arthur be without the woman they love? Lonely men fighting lonely battles. Indiana Jones and James Bond just wouldn’t be the same without the beauty at their side, and inevitably they must fight for her. You see, it’s not just that a man needs a battle to fight; he needs someone to fight for. …The battle itself is never enough; a man yearns for romance. It’s not enough to be a hero; it’s that he is a hero to someone in particular, to the woman he loves. Not only does a woman want a man like this, this is how a man wants her to see him. But too often men feel like their women view them as Clark Kent rather than Superman.

Women, do you remember early in your relationship, when there a sense of awe about the man you fell in love with? Everything he did was amazing, whether it was playing a sport, being a musician, working on cars, or whatever it was. In your eyes, it made him look handsome and strong. And men, didn’t you do those things just for her? It was not just to impress her; she actually inspired you. It was that sense of awe that made him your hero, ladies, someone you respected more than anyone else. 3. Women, share something you respected about the man in your life when you first met him. In what ways do you communicate your respect for him? 4. Men, share a time when the woman in your life treated you in a way that made you feel respected and admired. When women catch the man in their life doing something right and are intentional about becoming their man’s biggest fan, this goes a long way to building a positive regard in the relationship. Admiration energizes and motivates him. As Willard Harley Jr. says, author of His Needs Her Needs, a woman needs to appreciate a man for what he already is, not for what he could become if he lived up to her standards. So let him know why he is your hero. 5. Women, share a heroic thing the man in your life has done. (taking care of the kids, grocery shopping, going to work everyday, following his dreams, etc.)

Direction A best-selling book entitled For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by journalist Shaunti Feldhahn tells women what they need to know about men, especially when it comes to how women misunderstand them. In one part, it talks about how men feel like impostors to women no matter how smooth they try to appear. The reality is, though, that men WANT to succeed in their relationships with women, but many times feel like they just plain old don’t-know-what-to-do. Women may talk about all sorts of general things that men can do: being considerate, being sensitive, etc, but men often come away only feeling criticized and still wondering what to do. Although it’s very popular for a woman to say and feel, “If I have to tell you what to do, it doesn’t count!” that just is not fair for guys. No ladies, you shouldn’t have to tell a man every single time what you want and need, but it’s in your best interest to show him and tell him what he can do to be successful with you. Remember, a man has not walked in a woman’s shoes. Your needs will not occur naturally to him, just like his needs will not occur naturally to you. Don’t get caught up in the myth that it’s not special if you have to tell him. 6. Why do you think that the statement, “If I have to tell you what to do, then it doesn’t count,” is so easy to believe? 7. Where would you like more direction in your relationship?

Sexual Intimacy—What’s behind the scenes?

Song of Solomon 1:15-16 Lover 15 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Beloved 16 How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.

The surface illusion is that sex is all that men really want and what they want is the act itself. However, men don’t just want sex or affection. The reality is that a man feeling sexually wanted by the woman in his life affects his entire sense of who he is. Men want to feel wanted sexually. Just like the feeling of being respected, a man is driven by the desire a woman has for him. It inspires the sense of adventure and pursuit that define him, and he will always yearn for this feeling. A chapter in For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men is entitled “Sex changes everything… And guess who holds the key?” The author suggests that men respond most to visual forms of communication. So, the effort a woman puts in her appearance is one way that she can communicate to the man in her life that she desires him. 8. The Song of Solomon passage puts an emphasis on beauty between the lovers. What part does physical appearance play in your relationship? a. None. Beauty comes from within b. Some. I try, but you can only do so much with what you got. c. A Lot. Image is everything. d. This question is so unspiritual….physical beauty doesn’t matter!! e. Other_______________. 9. What is your reaction to the idea that a woman putting effort into her appearance meets an emotional need for men? Is the reverse true, does a man putting effort into his appearance meet an emotional need for a woman? 10. Why did you say yes to the first date with your partner?