Session 3 - Relationship Cure

Big Idea Discussion Guide Series: Love Is Never Enough Week: October 8th / 9th Topic: Love is never enough…for Romance

Opening Questions What comes to mind when you think of romance? What was one of the most romantic experiences you have ever had in your relationship? Big Idea Romance does not sustain itself simply on the statement, “I love you.” There are at least three important things that we must do that will actually help to enhance our relationships and the romance we want in them. “Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.” I John 3:18 (NLT)

Introduction…to Romance Being in love means that you just let the magic happen, right? And all we have to do is say “I love you” to the other person in order to burn the romantic flames. Well that may be true for a few extraordinary couples, but most couples find out that it’s not that easy. Romance goes much deeper than just saying those three special words. Let’s focus on three must-have relationship builders that really show what love and romance is all about:

The “Bank Account” Willard Harley, Jr. in his book, His Needs Her Needs talks about a virtual “Love Bank” that we all have. This bank contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. In our relationships we either make deposits or withdrawals when we interact with each other. Whenever I do something pleasant or caring to you, it’s like I deposited a positive love unit into my account in your bank. More pleasurable experiences that I cause toward you may even be worth two, three, or more love units! And every time I do something that is perceived as hurtful, insensitive, or uncaring, it’s like a withdrawal. As the life of your relationship goes on, your Love Banks will fluctuate. At times the accounts will be rising. Sometimes accounts will be steady in the black. Either way, in the best relationships, both people consistently have a high account balance in each other’s account.

1. What did the “balance” of your love bank account look like when you were growing up as a kid with your parents? a. Overdrawn b. Living month-to-month c. Bankrupt d. Earning rewards 2. Using the same scale above, what does your bank account look like now with your partner? The Love Bank analogy is very helpful, because it shows how trust is built in relationships. Trust does not just happen. Just like when you’re trying to build financial credit, the bank wants to see that you can establish a reliable financial record in order for it to trust you with money. It wants to see way more positive activities than negative ones. Trust is the same way in relationships. Your partner wants to see more positive interactions than negative ones. The healthy relationships don’t necessarily have fewer negative “withdrawals”: the big difference is the ratio of positive deposits to negative withdrawals. In unhealthy, unhappy marriages, the deposit to withdrawal ratio is probably at least 1:1. In healthy marriages, the ratio is closer to 6:1. Basically, the “good stuff” simply outnumbers the “bad stuff” by a huge margin in healthy relationships. And just like in a real bank account, deposits and withdrawals don’t just happen by themselves. Nor is it likely that someone else is going to do your banking for you. You are responsible for the accumulation of worth in your Love Bank account. You have to work to build it. Just keep in mind what the Bible says, “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” I Peter 4:8 (NASB) One last thought is important to understand. Although most deposits are equal, it’s clear that one really hurtful thing can wipe out a large amount of deposits a person made. A “zinger,” as some people call it, really throws off the Love Bank ratios. It is like a mega-withdrawal. 3. Share a time when your relationship bank account was particularly high. What contributed to the high balance?

Managing Conflict Wouldn’t our relationships be so much better if we didn’t have conflicts? Surely the best relationships are like that, right? Surveys show that in unhappy marriages, the percentage of conflicts that go unresolved from year to year is 70%. Yet in happy marriages, the percentage of conflicts that go unresolved from year to year is…70%. They are both the same. The difference is not in making problems go away, but in how people treat each other when they face problems. 4. What does conflict usually look like in your relationship? a. Middle East crisis—constant struggle with no peace treaties b. Bears vs. Packers—an emotional rivalry c. Chess match—psychological games

d. Sweden—do they ever go to war? e. Other _________. Explain. One of the real relationship destroyers is something called “contempt.” It describes what happens when the conflict comes up and I do or say things that express a fundamental lack of respect or a foundational disgust for the other person. Contempt is so easily recognizable in a relationship. In fact, psychologist John Gottman developed his famous theory, “I can listen to you talk over dinner and predict whether or not you need to hire a lawyer,” based on looking for statements or expressions of contempt in a couple. So again, one of the keys to better relationships is simple but difficult: do not mistreat the other person in times of conflict. Treat the other person exactly how you want to be treated. No, you don’t have to always keep a level head and never get upset— anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Conflicts occur when we may be legitimately upset about something. But we must be careful from allowing ourselves to act contemptuously when conflicts arise and also when they don’t seem to go away. Read what the Bible says about this, “Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. …Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:26-29 (NLT) 5. Since all relationships have conflict, our role is to manage our behavior during the conflict. Share a behavior you tend to exhibit during conflict with your partner, what’s that “thing” you always do when you are upset? 6. Contempt: the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. (Webster’s dictionary) Name some ways that people express contempt in a relationship either verbally or body language? 7. Why do we resort to contempt? 8. Think about a specific conflict in your relationship. What can you do to improve how you approach this conflict?

Forgiveness The key to healthy relationships is not good communication. Think about it this way: being good at communicating shows nothing about how you love a person. What if you are good at communicating, but all you clearly express to each other is how much you dislike each other? Open and honest communication is important, but what is the real key to a healthy relationship? “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Some of us may remember this famous quote from the 1970 movie Love Story. If you’ve ever tried to apply that quote in your relationship, you may have had lots of very frustrating moments. In the real world of relationships that would never fly because as humans, we are going to make mistakes. But God wants us to take it a step further than just saying, “I’m sorry.” Look at what the Bible says,

“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:12-13 (NIV) So if anything, the Love Story quote should read, “Love means always remembering to say you’re sorry and always being ready to forgive.” If there is anything that you want to get good at in your relationship, get good at forgiving. Because forgiving helps us “take out the trash” of past hurts and helps our current relationship break free from what has already gone wrong. It gives us a fresh start. 9. Share a time when someone forgave you? How did this make you feel? What did it do for your relationship with that person? 10. How do you think forgiveness might enhance the romance in your relationship? 11. Forgiveness is not being a doormat or letting someone get away with treating us badly. What is the difference between true forgiveness and “doormat” behavior? But let’s talk straight. Forgiveness is tough. It is the hardest thing to do, especially when we feel like we haven’t received it. It is here when a relationship with Jesus makes the most sense, because his entire life mission was about forgiveness. He showed us forgiveness when we didn’t deserve it at all. So, understanding how the grace and forgiveness of Christ is foundational to our lives will show how grace and forgiveness can become the bedrock of our relationships with other people, especially with the most beloved people in our lives—husbands, wives, girlfriends or boyfriends. 12. Which of the three areas from this discussion (bank account, managing conflict or forgiveness) would you like to work on to improve the romance in your relationship? What specific step are you willing to take to work on this area?