Session 1 - Relationship Cure

Big Idea Discussion Guide Series: Love Is Never Enough Week: September 30th / October 1st Topic: Love is never enough…for Women

Opening Questions Who are some of your favorite female characters from a TV show? What do these characters depict about the way women are viewed in our culture? Big Idea A woman feels loved when the man in her life understands and attempts to meet her basic needs. “Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions.” I John 3:18 (NLT) Introduction…to the Female Just like women ask what’s going on in a man’s mind, men are asking, “What’s going on in a woman’s mind?” Men observe these following activities and just scratch their heads in wonder: Watching “chick flicks” Going shopping Cuddling Talking on the phone Seeing her mother Going to the bathroom in groups For many men, understanding how to relate to a woman is like trying to figure out how to fold a roadmap. You thought you had it figured out before, but then it wants to fold a different way. So why do women seem so different from men? What might those differences have to do with some of the relational conflicts that couples experience? This discussion will help men understand women becoming familiar a woman’s most basic needs.

Sense of Value “Each man must love his wife as he loves himself...” Ephesians 5:33a (NLT) We hear a lot about how men struggle with knowing what it means to be a man (e.g., in a feminist culture, or growing up without a father, etc). However, in the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, John and Stasi Eldredge talk about how women are the “walking wounded” because of the consistent message that they get from culture and from family that they are inferior to men and are less important. The Bible, contrary to popular opinion, holds up an extremely high value of women to God. Just look at the

fact that women are the grand finale of God’s creative work in Genesis, or that God chose to entrust the upbringing of the Savior of the world in the hands of a mother named Mary. And when it comes down to this discussion, the Bible instructs men to “nourish and cherish” (Ephesians 5:29) their wives. The word “cherish” has the imagery of prizing and making a big deal about the importance of someone, like you do when there’s a new baby around. In the same way, a woman needs to know that you cherish her. She needs to know that you need her, that she is your other half (if not your better half) that completes who you are. Because the reality is, gentlemen, you do need her. 1. What were some of the values that you learned growing up about women compared to men? The most basic rule of thumb to show her love is to put her needs before your own. Here’s how: ƒ Use endorsements. Talk highly of her, not just to her directly, but to other people while she is present. ƒ Dispel the gender roles myth. Thinking you are the man of the house does not mean that you can kick back and watch TV while she does laundry, serves your meal, or handles the children. ƒ Recognize her interests. Find out what she likes and what she’s good at. Affirm her in those things and encourage her to pursue them. ƒ Think about her. Ask yourself, what does she need or want today? How can I help her today? Then, let her know you were thinking about these things. 2. Men, reflect on who the woman in your life is and what she does. Why is she valuable to you?

Conversation A popular study shows that a woman speaks around 20,000 words per day while a man speaks only 7,000 per day. Men mistakenly think that women just want to talk about every little thing, when the reality is that women are trying to connect emotionally through conversation. Sociologist Deborah Tannen says that men and women tend to communicate for different reasons: report vs rapport. For men, talking tends to be more about getting information that is needed if somebody needs to do something (something to report) whereas women communicate in order to connect with what’s been going on in someone’s life and inner world. That’s why she wants to know every little thing about your day and wants to tell you every little thing about hers: because details are the raw materials for building rapport. 3. How would you describe the conversations in your relationship? a. Like an interview on Larry King b. Like the 2004 Presidential debate c. Like crickets on a summer night d. Like teenage sweethearts on the phone e. Other ________. Explain

Another way to understand women and their need for conversation is what author Robert Wolgemuth in his book The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life describes as “conversation without destination.” Men view conversation as a goal; it has a point. Get the message across and click it—“Next Tuesday? 4:30? Got it. Thanks. Bye.” So it’s hard for men to call mom or talk to women because they know it’s going to be a conversation without a destination. But it is important for men to understand that not all conversation, especially with women, has to have an agenda or a finish line. Men, it’s not so much what you talk about but the fact that you talk that makes the real difference for her. 4. Think back to when you first met your partner. Share one of the earliest significant and enjoyable conversations you had. What was the subject of the conversation? What made it fun? Men, discover that conversation for the sake of conversation does have a destination point. It will help you to stay connected and to keep your relationship strong. Seen from that angle, it does have a practical purpose, right? Try these tips to show her love through communication: ƒ ƒ ƒ

Answer her questions. Use more than one phrase answers. Open up to her. Tell her how you feel about things. Share your ideas, dreams, and frustrations. She’s the one person in your life who actually cares and who won’t think any less of you. Ask her questions and listen. How was her day? What did she think about that movie? What is she upset about? What does she want? What does she like? Let a conversation flow freely. Invite her onto the porch or go for a walk and just tell her you’d like to talk, and just let the conversation go wherever it may. Don’t guide it. Don’t try to find a bottom line. Just wander.

5. Commenting only on your own stuff – not on what your partner does or doesn’t do - which one of the above do you find most challenging? Why? 6. Women, what are some things that you want to talk about with your man, and why? When do you like talking to him? 7. Why is it hard for men to have conversation with women? Men, what hinders you from having a good conversation?

Boundaries “You’re here, but you’re not really here.” Men hear women complain that they “aren’t really there” when they are with them. With technology making it possible to work from anywhere any time, and with the pressure men feel to be providers and successful in the marketplace, it’s easy for women to feel like men are never truly “off the clock” when they are constantly taking work calls, checking e-mail, or checking their schedule on their Blackberry™. And many men just work long and difficult hours several nights a week and have no energy for anything else, especially knowing that there are other tasks to be done around the house. For men there is always work to do. What men need to know, though, is that women are not looking for undivided attention all the time. But she does want there to be clear boundaries between work and home. Those boundaries show her that she comes first and work isn’t always in the #1 slot. It is a way

for her to feel valued, but it also ensures that he values her and that he actually experiences the most important relationship in his life. 7. Besides work, what other things become priorities ahead of your relationship? Speaking bout yourself only, what do you (not your partner) do that may communicates that may communicate that the relationship is not a priority? 8. What kind of boundaries can you establish to make your relationship a number one priority or to make it stronger?