Premarital Counseling

PREMARITAL COUNSELING A MINI-THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULLFILLMENT IN M.A. (BIBLICAL COUNSELING) .

By

Mahaveer Janapala [email protected]

Faculty

D. Rajendra Paul,

MTh.

March 2007

‘CARE’ COUNSELING INSTITUTE (Affiliated to TOPIC (Trainers of Pastors International Coalition) P O Box 965, Elkhorn, NE 68022 USA, www.topic.us )

[email protected] H. No. 9-2-754, St. Francis St. Secunderabad – 500 025, India.

CONTENTS

1. Introduction

3

2. Sexual Anorexia

4

3. Marriage Exposition

14

4. The Family and The Church

17

5. Divorce and Remarriage

27

6. Social Perspective

35

7. Choosing A Mate

38

8. Affirmations and Conclusions

48

Bibliography

51

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1. INTRODUCTION

Marriage

is

a sworn

fidelity,

a solemn

covenant

between

a man

and a woman, entered into before God, whereby He joins them in a lifelong companionship of love for and commitment to each other.

While God intends the marriage covenant should never be broken, it is broken by the death of either partner, or in the case of adultery or such willful desertion as can no way be remedied by the Church or civil magistrates. Such marital unfaithfulness is the grounds for a biblical divorce.

God’s call is to love and to forgive. Divorce is not necessitated in any event and Sessions

should exhort couples

considering such

a step to actively

pursue reconciliation.

Divorce under any circumstances should not preclude continued attempts to reconcile. Those who remarry after an improper divorce commit adultery and are subject to church discipline. As with all other transgressions, these too

are

covered by

the blood of

Christ

and members may

be restored to fellowship when guilt is acknowledged and true repentance for sin is expressed.

Church

Sessions

and Presbyteries

must

exercise diligent

care in

considering divorced persons as candidates for church office.1

1. Position Paper on Divorce and Remarriage, Adopted 16th General Assembly, June 1996, Evangelical Presbyterian Church, America.

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2. SEXUAL ANOREXIA According to Patrick Carnes, Sexual anorexia is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one’s life. Like self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money, deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against all hurts. The preoccupation with the avoidance of sex can seem to obliterate one’s life problems as with any other altered state of consciousness, such as those brought on by chemical use, compulsive gambling or eating, or any other addiction process. The obsession can then become a way to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a furtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilating a part of oneself.

Why someone fails sexually? Carnes states under the subtitle of “Sex as Sleaze,” that Religious traditions have, in fact, been part of this split way of understanding sexuality. The ideas of sex as sin outside of the marriage and sex as duty inside the marriage have gone far to undermine the acceptance of sexual pleasure as normal or healthy.

Biblically however, we realize that the “frigidity” of “religion” has nothing to do with failing sexually. It is clear that God’s design for sexuality is quite healthy and normal within the confines of marriage. For instance, in the Old Testament God gave direction for healthy and normal sexuality in the book of Leviticus. Reviewing the Song of Solomon, one comes very close to blushing with the beauty and romance suggested by this highly erotic and biblical text!

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There are also many New Testament texts that address healthy and normal sexuality. If there were one pivotal selection of Scripture to point to why fail sexually, let’s quote, But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.

James 1:14

What is needed to done to break the addiction? Carnes states, “The healing journey starts with admitting there is a problem. Remember that denial is core to the impaired thinking process.” He then goes on to recommend therapists, 12-step groups and even his own material, while giving support to the medical/disease model regarding this behavior.

Although it is agreed that the first step is admitting the “addict” has a problem, the term addiction continues to bother in that it implies “helplessness.” Picture helpless humans sucked into a bug light representing their addiction. We laugh at this analogy, but ask disciples/counselees if a gun was held to their head the first time they participated in feeding their lust. Without fail, the answer is no. A choice was made and a continual choice is made to participate in sinful behavior, whether it is “sexual addiction” or “sexual anorexia.”

John Stossel did a great commentary titled Is Addiction a Choice? In which a secular investigative report was done on these very topics. The results were quite humorous in that, after watching the report, it was easy to infer that even secular people are fed up with the blame-shifting. There is no medical evidence to suggest that a diagnosis of “addiction” can be applied to sexual

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addiction or sexual anorexia. With drugs and mind altering chemicals, there is some evidence to suggest that after use they do affect the body. However, self-control is still commanded by Scripture. It is hard to imagine someone standing before God with the excuse, “Gee, God, I was addicted. You understand, don’t you?” Welch’s statement on this as well, Scripture, indeed, emphasizes that sin has many things in common with a disease. For example, it affects our entire being, it is painful, it leads to death and it is absolutely tragic. Yet there are also ways in which sin is not like a disease. It is something we do rather than catch, we confess it rather than treat it, the disease is in our hearts rather than our bodies, and only the forgiveness and cleansing found in the blood of the Great Physician is sufficient to bring thorough healing.

Why sexual acting out is an addiction? Carnes suggests that “Both sexual anorexics and sex addicts feel powerless. In that sense, the involuntary feelings of aversion in the anorexic are not different from the unwanted feelings of arousal in the addict.” This powerlessness is a continual theme with secular writers due to their limited understanding of the doctrines of man and sin. Dr. Robert Smith states, “Many of these sexual dysfunctions are the result of the sheer lack of dealing with problems because of discomfort in talking about them.” Ed Welch states defines addictions as disorder of worship and calls it idolatry, In other words, Scripture permits us to broaden the definition of idolatry so that it includes anything on which we set our affections and indulge in as an excessive and sinful attachment. Therefore, the idols that we can see — such as a bottle — are certainly not the totality of the problem. Idolatry includes anything we worship: the lust for pleasure, respect, love, power, control, or freedom from pain. Furthermore, the problem is not outside of us, located in a liquor store or on the internet; the problem is within us. Alcohol and drugs are

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essentially satisfiers of deeper idols. The problem is not the idolatrous substance; it is the false worship of the heart. We renounce living for God’s glory, and turn to objects of worship that we hope will give us what we want. Desired payoff? The purpose of all idolatry is to manipulate the idol for our own benefit. This means that we don’t want to be ruled by idols. Instead, we want to use them.

What Light Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 shed on sexual addiction? No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

Jay Adams, in his expositional booklet on this verse states, Most Christians who need counseling have one thing in common. Every observant pastoral counselor has noticed this all-but-universal characteristic: their conversation is studded with the word “can’t.” This common trait may be explained in various ways. Some might suppose that it is indicative of a basic weakness or inability that underlies their other problems This explanation leads to the conclusion that these are people who constitutionally, or for some other reason, really can’t do what God requires. That is, of course, an explanation that accepts the counselee’s view that he is helpless. It also renders the counselor helpless, you will notice. But there is another explanation of this phenomenon: the biblical explanation is that men “cop out” on their responsibilities and fail to accomplish their tasks because of sin.

God provides five ways for us to endure temptation: prayer, trust, His word, accountability and focusing on Jesus Christ. It is very important that the

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immediate context of this verse be brought into this discussion. For instance, 1 Corinthians 10:12 states, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” This brings forth the sobering reality that each of our prideful hearts can fall. In Welch’s article mentioned above, he teaches us to be compassionate about “addictions,” reminding us, for instance, of our own failures to keep our January 1 resolutions to loose weight. The addictive cycle has a lot in common with this struggle with sin. That God has provided a way of escape does not give us license to throw our hands up and ask God to deliver us. Rather, we must do the work of radical amputation (taking all temptations out of our lives), radical appropriation (putting off unbiblical behaviors and putting on biblical ones), and radical accountability.

1 Corinthians 10:14 is also highly instructive: “Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.” It can be a courageous thing to flee. Consider the example of Joseph in the Old Testament. Did it turn out well for him? No, he spent 14 years in prison for doing the right thing. We must tell our counselees/disciples that it is going to take work and that there may be negative consequences.

What perverted teach the Christian Church about sexual addiction? Works done by unregenerate men, although for the matter of them they may be things which God commands; and of good use both to themselves and others: yet, because they proceed not from an heart purified by faith; nor are done in a right manner, according to the Word; nor to a right end, the glory of God, they are therefore sinful, and cannot please God, or make a man meet to receive grace from God: and yet, their neglect of them is more sinful and displeasing unto God. Despite the fact that the foregoing quote from the Westminster Confession of Faith may seem harsh regarding Carnes, no doubt that he assists and helps many people. However, he cannot truly help a Christian, just like a Christian cannot truly help a non-Christian; both provide band-aids. It is

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also important to remember that Christians bring glory to God while nonChristians do not. Carnes has astutely observed that the church may be prudish at times when it comes to discussing sex and sexual issues. Much gracious and biblical teaching should be done on this topic, and perhaps even more in pre-marital counseling sessions. However, Carnes methodology (12steps, revisiting the past, disease model, genograms, exercises mentioned in his books, etc), are disagreeable as these are superfluous band-aids that never address the heart and specifically the idolatry in a person’s life. Dr. Smith states it succinctly, It is important to recognize that sex dysfunction is a marriage problem, not the husband’s or wife’s individual problem. Biblical sex by definition is a two-person relationship and responsibility. Both husband and wife must cooperate in solving problems. While dysfunction is a result of sexual habits of thinking and action, dysfunction itself may become a habit. These habits will need to be replaced by biblical ones. Retraining and relearning are a part of this. People with these problems do not need sex therapy; they need biblical counseling. Not only do biblical counselors deal with causes, they correctly use the Bible in solving problems, keeping biblical goals in mind. Biblical counseling provides both short-term and long-term accountability; changing habits takes time and requires accountability. Biblical counseling does not attempt to do band-aid work on a serious problem but provides the loving major surgery that leads to permanent change.

What Can the Christian Church Teach perverted about healing from sexual addiction/anorexia? First and foremost, the church can teach Carnes that his theology is wrong with regard to such topics as the sovereignty of God, depravity of man, sin, and man’s need for a savior. With a more scriptural theological perspective,

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one can see that the church does have ministries in place to deal with sexual addiction/anorexia. Thinking specifically of such ministries as Christian Counselor Education Foundation and National Association of Nouthetic Counselors.

In continued frustration with the way Carnes deals with the topics of sexuality, the writer interviewed his wife (who was sexually abused and who was tempted to be highly sexually anorexic) about her thoughts on Carnes’s 12-steps, revisiting the past, genograms, etc. Her answer was riveting and biblical. She stated that despite what she had endured in the past, she understood that she was still obligated to respond biblically, and still responsible to obey God. In short, she recognized she was bound by God not to repay sin with sin, and not to use the sins inflicted against her as excuses to sin against others.

Carnes’ understanding of Christian theology leaves much to be desired. He could certainly benefit from reading Dr. Robert Smith’s book Biblical Principles of Sex, as well as from learning the differences between Roman Catholicism and Evangelicalism. Further, a proper understanding of God’s sovereignty might improve Carnes’ theories dramatically. Adams summarizes the impact of theology in counseling in this way: A counselor’s theology, and his use of it in counseling, then, is neither a matter of indifference nor a question of insignificance. Rather, it is an issue of the most profound importance. Truth and godliness, the reality of God and the welfare of His people are inseparable. The godly man, who copes with life, is always the one who has appropriated God’s truth for his life... All counseling that measure up to the biblical standard must fully acknowledge both the tragedy of sin and the fact of human responsibility; it must reckon with God’s ultimate purpose to glorify Himself in His Son

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and in a people redeemed by His grace. While all things will turn out well, they do so not apart from but precisely because of the responsible action of the Son of God who came and actually dies for those who from all eternity had been ordained to eternal life.

With regard to the problem of the past, there is a movement today in Christian counseling to get the counselee to revisit his past and much talk about generational curses (cf. Exod. 34:7), but drawing out genograms to wallow in your family timeline of sins gives an unbiblical focus to sinful behavior. More importantly, Ezekiel 18 and John 9:1-3 demonstrate that this understanding of the “generational curse” motif is entirely misguided. A generational curse is not one that is revisited in the lives of subsequent generations, but one in which the curse on the sinner impacts the lives of his contemporary relatives because their lives are intertwined. It is not suggest that Carnes’ theology could be improved by studying the misguided approach to generational curses.

However, there are some very good approaches to the problem of the past from which Carnes’ might learn quite a bit. One of the best biblical presupposition outlines regarding counseling and the problem of the past was written by John Bettler, and it also relates to disciples/counselees who have are experiencing sexual “addiction” or “anorexia” and responding biblically. It is edited from its original plural to personal in total agreement, 1. A counselee’s personal past has a significant influence upon his development of his manner of life. It cannot be that the counselee is a helpless victim whose manner of life is determined by his past.

2. A person creatively interacts with and interprets past events and

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incorporates his interpretation into his manner of life. It cannot be that a counselee so constructs his past that it has no necessary existence in history. Just as God acts and explains or interprets his actions, so the person interprets the actual events in his life.

3. The Christian should seek to interpret his past as coming from God and for God’s glory; the unbeliever will distort the event with an explanation that does not honor God’s truth. He will resist the truth and endeavor to believe the lie.

4. A counselee is not always aware of the assumptions, values, and habits which shape his manner of life. It cannot be that there exists within the person an “unconscious,” i.e., an unexplored and largely inexplicable entity which drives his behavior.

5. Exploration of a person’s past may help to reveal to himself his manner of life. It cannot be that such exploration is always necessary to produce biblical change.

6. Change occurs in the present. It involves repentance for the distorted values and habits of a false manner of life, and the putting on of godly values and behavior patterns in the present. It cannot be that change occurs in the past through the reliving of past experiences or through emotional release of storedup emotions (a process commonly called catharsis).

7. God is sovereign over all the events of a person’s life and works providentially through those events to make Christians more like Christ.

The main goal for discipline the person dealing with “addiction” or “anorexia” is

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to teach him to obey as outlined in Matthew 28:18-20. Simply pontificating from the pulpit and providing lists of do’s and don’ts is far from helpful. No amount of 12-steps, revisiting the past or moral relativism will free the “addict” or “anorexic.” Only when a heart change occurs does a life change occur: It is time for us Christians to face up to our responsibility for holiness. Too often we say we are “defeated” by this or that sin. No, we are not defeated; we are simply disobedient! It might be well if we stopped using the terms “victory” and “defeat” to describe our progress in holiness. Rather we should use the terms “obedience” and “disobedience.” When I say I am defeated by some sin, I am unconsciously slipping out from under my responsibility. I am saying something outside of me has defeated me. But when I say I am disobedient, that places the responsibility for my sin squarely on me. We may, in fact, be defeated, but the reason we are defeated is because we have chosen to disobey. We have chosen to entertain lustful thoughts, or to harbor resentment, or to shade the truth a little. We need to brace ourselves up, and to realize that we are responsible for our thoughts, attitudes, and actions. We need to reckon on the fact that we died to sin’s reign, that it no longer has any dominion over us, that God has united us with the risen Christ in all His power, and has given us the Holy Spirit to work in us. Only as we accept our responsibility and appropriate God’s provisions will we make any progress in our pursuit of holiness.2

2. Derek R. Iannelli-Smith, Reflective Review of Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes, Reformed Perspective Magazine, Volume 7, Number 16, April 17 to April 23, 2005.

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3. MARRIAGE EXPOSITION

Before considering the breakup of a marriage, let us look at the biblical perspective concerning this

relationship.

In

speaking of

a husband and wife, Malachi says: ...the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. (Mal.2:1416)

The prophet here makes

the important

point

that marriage

is

not primarily a mutual contract between two people; it is rather a sworn fidelity,

a solemn

entered into before God,

covenant

between

whereby

He joins

a man them

and a woman, in

a life-

long companionship of love for and commitment to each other.

Scripture tells us that marriage is God instituted from the beginning of creation

(Gen.2:1824)

and that

marriage,

from

both

the wife’s

and the husband’s perspectives, reflects the relationship between Christ and His Church (Eph.5:2233).While “this mystery is great” (Eph.5:32), at the very least we see that God is intimately involved in the marriage covenant.1

What the Bible Says About Marriage 1. Marriage is a DIVINE INSTITUTION. Contrary to some contemporary opinions, marriage is not a human

1. Optic., Position Paper on Divorce and Remarriage.

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institution that has evolved over the millennia to meet the needs of society. If it were no more than that, then conceivably it could be discarded when it is deemed no longer to be meeting those needs. Rather, marriage was God’s idea, and human history begin with the Lord Himself presiding over the first wedding (Genesis 2:18-25).

2. Marriage is to be regulated by DIVINE INSTRUCTIONS Since God made marriage it stands to reason that it must be regulated by His commands. In marriage, both husband and wife stand beneath the authority of the Lord. “Unless the Lord builds the house they labor in vain who built it” (Psalm 127:1).

3. Marriage is a DIVINE ILLUSTRATION. In both Old and New Testaments, marriage is used as the supreme illustration of the love relationship that God established with His people. Israel is spoken of as the “wife of Jehovah” (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:19-20). The Church is called “the Bride of Christ” (Ephesians 5:22-32). It can be said that the Christian marriage is sort of a “pageant” in which the husband takes the part of the Lord Jesus, loving and leading his wife as Christ does the Church; and the wife plays the role of the believer, loving and submitting to her husband as the Christian does to the Lord. Thus, Christian marriage should be an object lesson in which others can see something of the divine-human relationship reflected.

4. Marriage is a COVENANT. From the earliest chapters of the Bible the idea of covenant is the framework by which man’s relationship to God is to be understood, and which also regulates the lives of God’s people. A covenant is an agreement between two parties, based upon mutual promises and solemnly binding obligations. It is like a contract, with the additional idea that it establishes personal

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relationships. God’s covenant with Abraham and His descendents is summarized in the statement, “I will be your God, and you shall be my people.” Marriage is called a covenant (Malachi 2:14) -the most intimate of all human covenants. The key ingredient in a covenant is faithfulness, being committed irreversibly to the fulfillment of the covenant obligations. The most important factor in the marriage covenant is not romance; it is faithfulness to the covenant vows, even if the romance flickers.

5. Marriage is a whole-person commitment God meant marriage to be the total commitment of a man and woman to each other. It is not two solo performances, but a duet. In marriage, two people give themselves unreservedly to each other (Genesis 2:25; I Corinthians 7:3-4). “What God has joined together let no man separate,” declared our Lord (Matthew 9:6). “Till death do us part,” is not a carry-over from old fashioned romanticism, but a sober reflection of God’s intention regarding marriage (Romans 7:23:2-3; I Corinthians 7:39).3

3. Guidelines for Marriage and Divorce, Perimeter Church.

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4. THE FAMILY AND THE CHURCH I. The Family A. God’s Delineation of the Distinctive Roles of Husband and Wife in Genesis 3 We can further delineate what is entailed in the roles of husbands and wives in marriage and family by taking careful account of the focused description that God gives of each in Genesis 3 on the basis of the truths first outlined in Genesis 1 and 2 at the dawn of human civilization and in a setting that antedates any particular culture or society. In this chapter, He gives the effects of sin, not only as it brings death and separation from God to all humans but also in its effects on men and women in their respective maleness and femaleness. In doing so, God relates the effect of the curse respectively to that portion of His creation mandate (as already established in Genesis 1 and 2) that most particularly applies to the woman on the one hand and to the man on the other hand. God had said to them: “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over . . . every living thing that moves on the earth” (Genesis 1:28, nasb). Now He relates the curse to that aspect of the creation mandate that is the particular responsibility of the woman and of the man and in so doing indicates the particular role that He has determined each is to fulfill. Thus, for the woman He speaks of her pain in childbirth (i.e., while seeking to be fruitful) and the struggles (as we have noted above) that will surface in the husband/wife relationship (Genesis 3:16): “To the woman he said, ‘I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’” In short, God speaks about what is unique to her as a woman, namely, being a mother and a wife. To the man He speaks of the difficulties he will have in his toil (i.e., while seeking to subdue the earth) to secure bread (Genesis 3:17-19): “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all

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the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” Thus He delineates what is the main calling for man, namely, the responsibility of breadwinner and provider for his wife and family. It will be helpful for all our discussion to keep this perspective in view and realize that it is the perspective God has given and not some “Victorian” or “traditional” view that has grown up out of some society or culture and been adopted unwittingly as the Biblical norm.

Therefore it is important in marriage and the family for a man to realize his responsibility as the primary breadwinner and to assume that responsibility willingly and gladly. It is equally important for a woman to realize her responsibility as the primary one to care for the children and the home, as these verses indicate, and as Proverbs 31 (see below) also indicates. This will provide the security and necessary time and energy for the woman to bear children but also to be with the children in their formative years when they are very dependent on their mother and need her presence. It is in this spirit that the Apostle Paul encourages young widows “to get married, bear children, keep house” (1 Timothy 5:14, nasb). Christ’s apostle exalts the home and women’s duties in it and encourages women to be “busy at home” (Titus 2:5).

Sad to say, when these distinctive emphases are not maintained, children often fail to develop healthy sexual identities (see Chapter 17 in this volume), and marriages tend to break up because husband and wife are no longer dependent on each other but are increasingly independent, ready to go their own ways.

B. What About the Wife and Mother Working Outside the Home?

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Some Christians have interpreted Titus 2:5 (“workers at home,” nasb) to mean that any work outside the home is inappropriate for the wife and mother. But the fact that wives should care for their home does not necessarily imply that they should not work outside the home, any more than the statement that an “overseer” in the church should “manage his own household” (1 Timothy 3:4-5) means that he cannot work outside the home. In neither case does the text say that! The dynamic equivalent translation of Titus 2:5 by the niv, “to be busy at home,” catch the force of Paul’s admonition, namely, that a wife should be a diligent homemaker. Moreover, Proverbs 31:10-31 depicts a wife and mother whose support for the family extends well beyond ordinary domestic chores (cf. e.g., verses 16 and 24: “She considers a field and buys it . . . she plants a vineyard. . . .She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen,” nasb). Since Scripture interprets Scripture and its teaching is consistent and unified, we realize that the picture of Proverbs is not contradicted by the Apostle Paul. Furthermore, we must realize that the emphasis on the home is the very point of the Proverbs passage. The woman in Proverbs works to care for her family and to fulfill her responsibility to her family (cf., e.g., verses 21 and 27). She does this not only for her children but also to support her husband’s leadership role in the community (verse 23). She is seeking the good of her family. Furthermore, she seeks to aid the poor and needy by her labors (verse 20).

Here, then, are keys to the question of a wife and mother working outside the home: Is it really beneficial to her family, does it aid her husband in his calling, and does it, in correlation with these first two, bring good to others? Can she do it while still being faithful to her primary calling to be wife and mother and to care for her home? It must be noted that even though the woman in Proverbs has not sought to “find herself” or to make her own career, but rather to serve her family, in the end she receives praise from

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her family (verses 28, 29) and recognition for her labors (verse 31) because she has conducted the whole endeavor in obedience to the Lord she reverences (verse 30). The decision in this realm must not be unilateral on the part of the woman but made under the leadership of her husband as the head of the marriage and the family.

C. Decision-making by Husbands and Wives This brings us to the question of responsibilities and processes for decisionmaking. The delicate balance that must be maintained is that of the husband’s leadership in a situation in which two equal image bearers of God are involved. The husband must honor his wife (1 Peter 3:7, “grant her honor as a fellow-heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered,” nasb) and respect her views, opinions, feelings, and contributions about the issue at hand, and he must do so in a way that takes into account both his and her strengths and weaknesses (1 Peter 3:8, “husbands . . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner”). He must not give over the leadership to the woman as Adam did to Eve, for then to him also the rebuke given to Adam will apply (“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife,” Genesis 3:17, nasb). Neither should he act rashly and harshly as Nabal did, not seeking the sensible and wise advice that his wife could and would have given him (cf. 1 Samuel 25:2-26:38). After all, the wife is given to the husband to be his chief “helper” (Genesis 2:18). The husband and wife should seek to come to a mutually satisfactory decision after discussion and through prayer and seeking the principles of God’s Word, and they should do so under the leadership and guidance of the husband, who should initiate this process. In a world of sin in which both husband and wife are beset by the limitations sin brings to our understanding and to the evaluative and decision-making process, there will be times when a consensus may not be reached. In this situation, it is the husband’s responsibility to exercise his leadership role and make the decision. The wife needs to submit to that decision (unless the decision is clearly and intrinsically evil [cf. 1 Samuel 25:14; Acts 5:29]).

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D. Decision-making as It Relates to Changing Jobs and Relocation to another Community In a highly mobile age, it is appropriate to consider job location change. Therefore, to illustrate the matter of decision-making, let us take the question of changing jobs and relocating the family. Let the question be compounded by assuming that the wife also has a good position. In this case, let us assume that the wife is not inclined to move because she likes the locale and she does not want to give up her own paying job. This is understandable.

The husband should give due weight to all of these concerns. The two should pray about the matter and seek to understand each other’s perspective and the good of the family as a whole, including the long-range as well as the short-range perspective. This decision-making must consider the total welfare of the family and not simply the benefits of the job. At the same time, it must include obedience to the creation mandate, on the part of the husband particularly but also the wife, who has agreed to be his helper in this responsibility, to fulfill to the best of his (and their) ability his primary calling as the one to be involved in work to support the family. A decision not to take the job and not to move, in light of the needs of the rest of the family, would be quite appropriate as long as no veto or coercion on the part of his wife has in actuality usurped the leadership or caused the husband to forfeit or surrender it. However, should he become convinced before God that the move is in the best interests of his family and will allow him and his wife to best fulfill the creation mandate and best glorify God, he should sympathetically lead the family through this transition, seeking to explain why the move is right from his perspective?

In such a case, it seems that two factors besides his general responsibility as leader are key elements. First is the recognition that the man, more than the woman— whose focus and energy are to be directed inward toward the

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family (cf. again Genesis 3:16-17 and Proverbs 31:27)—is called on to fulfill his role by directing his time and energy outward from the family in the work area (cf. again God’s evaluation of what is characteristic of man as a male, Genesis 3:17-19). Second, the woman is created to be the man’s helper (Genesis 2:18; 1 Corinthians 11:8-9). From these perspectives, the husband’s work must take precedence (when necessary) over the wife’s, and she must be willing to help her husband fulfill his calling in this realm even if it means that she must give up her position. A clear perspective on this subject will eliminate or remove many conflicts that could arise in this area.

E. Caring for the Children The care and management of the home and children is another area in which Christians need to implement Biblical principles carefully. The Scriptures present the direct management of the children and the household as the realm of responsibility of the wife and mother. First Timothy 5:14 says that wives is “to manage their homes” (niv). The Greek word oikodespoteo¯, which is rendered “manage,” is a very forceful term. Proverbs 31 indicates some of the many ways in which this management is carried out (cf., e.g., verses 26 and 27: “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness,” nasb). The husband must recognize this calling and grant her the necessary and appropriate freedom of operation under his leadership. At the same time, the wife must recognize that her management is to be conducted in submission to her husband’s leadership, who is responsible for the overall management of the household (cf. Titus 2:5, “to be busy at home . . . and to be subject to their husbands”). The Apostle Paul says that the man is responsible to manage his own household well (1 Timothy 3:4-5). Although the wife and mother will have the most contact with the children, especially when they are young, and therefore will have the most direct responsibility for supervising them, the husband and father is held responsible for instruction and oversight of the children (Ephesians

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6:4; 1 Timothy 3:4). It is imperative that fathers and mothers carry out this joint task in such a way that the leadership of both over the children is maintained and the headship of the father over the family is manifest. Thus neither should allow the children to play one parent off against the other in seeking to contravene the other’s commands or prohibitions. The parents should resolve those questions in private away from the children; in public they should uphold each other’s decisions, especially the mother upholding the headship of the father. Fathers should exercise an appropriate leadership by being careful to avoid exasperating or provoking comments or commands (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21) that not only discourage or anger their children but also provide occasion for their wives to feel the necessity of intervening and make it more difficult for them to be subject to their husbands’ leadership. Exasperating or provoking comments or commands include commands that are unjust and comments that are given in a callous or unfeeling way. All parental give-and-take before children should manifest mutual respect and communicate before the children that the husband genuinely loves and respects his wife and the wife, too, respects and desires to submit to the leadership of her husband and their father. Such an attitude can itself be the best setting for the children to learn their own necessary submission to both father and mother.

The division of duties in the home and household must take seriously the respective roles of the woman and the man and their equal importance before the Lord and in the home. The direct care and supervision of the children is the specific calling of the wife/mother (cf. again Genesis 3:16; 1 Timothy 5:14; Titus 2:5). It would be unnatural in the normal family setting for the husband/father to assume this task and to surrender the task of “breadwinning” to his wife. This is not to say that he is not to be as concerned and as involved in the training of their children as she is, but rather that he does so in correlation with his responsibility as the primary provider.

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F. The Allocation of Other Duties and Responsibilities Other duties and responsibilities should be allocated in such a way that the feminine and masculine proclivities come to their natural expression and the strengths and weaknesses of each partner are recognized and their mutual dependence on each other for distinct roles are a help to both. Yet we must realize also that there are many things in the daily affairs of a household that the specific teachings and broader principles of Scripture do not categorize as either “masculine” or “feminine.” Here we must allow freedom and variation and not attempt to go beyond what is written in the principles we affirm and teach.

II. The Church There are two basic Biblical truths relating to men and women that must be affirmed and upheld in the life of the church. The first is their equality as bearers of God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and as fellow Christians (Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7). The second is the leadership role to which men are called by God in the church so that by apostolic injunction, based on God’s creative action, women are not allowed “to teach or exercise authority over a man” (1 Timothy 2:12, nasb).

A. The Use of Women’s Gifts: The first truth has as its corollary that women are to use their gifts in every way that Christians in general are to do, except for those areas explicitly prohibited by Scripture. This is seen in Paul’s treatment of the gifts in 1 Corinthians 11-14, where women are excluded only from speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34-35) where congregational “teaching” is involved (1 Corinthians 14:26; notice that the items listed in verse 26 correspond with the subjects dealt with in verses 27 and 35 [with only the first item, “a psalm,” not dealt with in these verses] and in particular notice that “teaching” [nasb] in verse 26 is the one-word description for the “speaking” Paul will deal with when it comes to women in verses 34 and 35).10 These women are recognized as properly participating in

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praying and prophesying, for example, but are only asked not to throw off the cultural sign of their submission when they do so (1 Corinthians 11:1-16). Some very practical deductions and applications can be drawn from these principles. If all other members of the church participate in voting at congregational meetings, then of course women members equally share that right. If all other worshipers are participating in the worship by sharing and praying, then women also should participate equally. The church of Christ, its men and women, must be equally concerned to uphold both these aspects of inclusion and any necessary exclusion in fidelity to God’s Word. One must not draw the false conclusion that the Scriptures are opposed to women teaching or exercising any kind of leadership. Instead, women are encouraged by the Apostle Paul to teach other women and to make full use of their gifts in that realm (Titus 2:3-5). Just as Paul directs how tongue speakers and prophets may use their gifts in accordance with God’s order, so he encourages women to teach other women (Titus 2:35). Similarly, the New Testament commends the activities of women in various sorts of ministries except those that would violate the male leadership principle. This range of ministries is summarized in the following words: Several passages indicate that women are involved in diaconal tasks and appropriate teaching situations. A sampling of those activities may be seen in the following: older women are called upon to teach and train younger women concerning their responsibilities to their husbands and children (Titus 2:3-5); wives (gunaikas) are referred to in the midst of the description of male deacons (1 Timothy 3:11); Phoebe is designated “a servant [diakonon] of the church which is at Cenchrea” (Romans 16:1); Paul refers in 1 Corinthians to women praying or prophesying (11:5); and Priscilla and Aquila, that inseparable husband-and-wife team, in a discreet and private meeting expound to Apollos “the way of God more accurately” (Acts 18:26).

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This brief Biblical summary, as true as it is and as helpful as it is, reminds us by these examples of the wide range of ministries available to women in the kingdom of God. The Danvers Statement, Affirmation 9, in this wideranging perspective and broad sweep, has attempted to express that range. Its words serve as a fitting conclusion to this particular section: With half the world’s population outside the reach of indigenous evangelism; with countless other lost people in those societies that have heard the gospel;

with

the

stresses

and

miseries

of

sickness,

malnutrition,

homelessness, illiteracy, ignorance, aging, addiction, crime, incarceration, neuroses, and loneliness, no man or woman who feels a passion from God to make His grace known in word and deed need ever live without a fulfilling ministry for the glory of Christ and the good of this fallen world.

B. The Biblical Principle of Male Leadership in the Church Alongside our insistence on women’s legitimate participation in the life of the church, we need to remind ourselves again that the apostolic teaching insists on men being the primary leaders in the church (just as in marriage) and therefore excludes women from that role. The clearest statement is 1 Timothy 2:12: “I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man” (nasb). The contextual setting of this statement makes it plain that the apostle is speaking about women publicly teaching men in the religious realm and exercising authority over men in the Christian community. It is the male/female role relationship based on creation that requires this prohibition (cf. 1 Timothy 2:13). And thus, since the church by definition includes both men and women, those situations where both are present are situations in which this prohibition is in effect.4

4. John Piper and Wayne Grudem, A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 1991, Crossway Books Wheaton, Illinois.

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5. DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE The confessional statement of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church on the subject

of

“Divorce

and Remarriage” is

found in

the Westminster Confession of Faith(24.5,6, & 7) and in the Book of Worship (§54) as follows: It is the divine intention that persons entering the marriage covenant become inseparably united, thus allowing for no dissolution saves that caused by the death of either husband or wife. However, the weaknesses of one or both partners may lead to gross and persistent denial of the marriage vows; yet only in cases of extreme unfaithfulness(physical or spiritual), unfaithfulness for which there is

no

repentance and which

is

beyond remedy,

should separation or divorce be considered. Such separation or divorce is accepted as permissible only because of the failure of one or both

of

the partners, and does

not lessen

in

any

way

the divine intention for indissoluble union. The remarriage of divorced persons may be sanctioned by the Church in keeping with the redemptive gospel of Christ, when sufficient penitence

for

sin

and failure is

evident,

and a firm

purpose of

and endeavor after Christian marriage is manifested. Divorced persons should give prayerful thought to discover if God’s vocation for them is to remain unmarried, since one failure in this realm raises serious questions as to the rightness and wisdom of undertaking another union. If

the Minister has

a divorced person

any

questions

to remarry

about the readiness

according to

of

these principles,

the Church Session should be consulted and its concurrence sought.

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Any discussion of divorce and remarriage should be conducted in a spirit of

genuine humility.

the dissolution

of

Few experiences a marriage.

in

life are more agonizing than

We realize that

conclusions

cannot

be reached lightly, but only on the basis of a prayerful and diligent study of the teaching of God’s Word. Difficult ethical problems arise in any divorce, and very few of these problems are so simple that right judgment can be easily made. Parties that are “innocent” are seldom to be found.

DIVORCE IN THE SCRIPTURE According to the dictates of Scripture, marriage is for life. Clearly, God’s standard is

chastity

before marriage

and fidelity

afterwards, and Scripture teaches that divorce is always an abnormality arising out of human sinfulness. But to say that God intended the marriage covenant should never be broken does

not mean

that the marriage

union

is

therefore unbreakable. For

example, it is broken by the death of either partner. Moreover, in Old Testament times, divorce was tolerated although not divinely approved. We discover from Deuteronomy 24:14 that Moses was not instituting or encouraging divorce;

he was

simply

attempting to

regulate it

in

a culture whose practice of it was out of control. It is important to note that the word “adultery” does not appear in these verses for the very good reason that under the Mosaic Law, the punishment for adultery was death by stoning.

Divorce

was

obviously

an

established custom,

which

is

neither commanded nor condoned in this passage. However,

the Mosaic Law in

general

assumed the practice

of

divorce

(Lev.21:7, 14, and 22:13; Num. 30:9; Deut.22:19, 29). Divorces were even required when the postexilic people of God who had married foreign women were commanded to “put them away” (Ezra 911; Neh.9:2). Nevertheless, the Old Testament makes it very clear that God does not look favorably on divorce.

Jesus

because your

said,

hearts

“Moses

were hard.

permitted you to But

it

was

divorce not

this

your

wives

way

from

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the beginning.” (Matt. 19:89) When Scripture says that a man shall “cleave to his wife” (Gen.2:24), this is a covenantal term used elsewhere when the Israelites were challenged to “cleave” to the Lord with affection and loyalty” (Joshua 22:5). The prophet Malachi affirms (Mal.2:1416) that it was because of the multiple divorces in Israel that God was withholding His blessing and no longer hearing their prayers. In the New Testament, Jesus calls His people to be faithful to the clearly defined will

of

God as

expressed primordially

in

Gen.2:24,

and quoted and enlarged upon by our Lord in Matt. 19:46: “Haven’t

you read,”

He

male and female and said,

replied, “that ‘For

this

father and mother and be united to

the Creator

reason his

a man

wife,

made shall

and the two

them

leave his shall

become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” One renowned theologian shows the extreme importance of these words of our Lord when he says, Now it was of course precisely the order of creation that Christ came to restore; therefore, the restoration of the order of creation should manifestly be taking place in His body the church, which is composed of

new creatures,

or

renewed creations

in

Christ.

The Christian Church, accordingly, has a special responsibility to bear witness in its practice as well as in its doctrine to the sanctity of the marriage bond. Of all the spheres of human society it least of all should show that ungodly

hardheartedness

which

requires

the divine standard to be accommodated to the debased level of man’s fallen state. BIBLICAL AND UNBIBLICAL DIVORCE As noted above, marriage is a sworn fidelity, whereby God joins a man

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and a woman in lifelong companionship. Nevertheless, divorce is permitted only in circumstances of grave repudiation of the marriage covenant, namely adultery

and willful,

irremediable desertion.

the Westminster Confession, the Church

of

approved by

Scotland in 1647,

“Nothing but adultery be remedied by

as

or

the Church

is

such or

very

willful civil

The original the General

text

Assembly

emphatic when

desertion

magistrate

as

is

of

it

of

states,

can

no way

cause sufficient

of

dissolving the bond of marriage.” The offended party in such circumstances is free to remarry, as if the offending party were dead. In Matt. 5:3132 and 19:39 Jesus cites’ marital unfaithfulness’ as the sole grounds porneia, is

for

usually

translation

biblical divorce

understood

as

and remarriage. This

sexual

sin.

would follow the New American

rendering it “immorality.” In

contrast

However,

word, a better

Standard Version

to moicheia, which

is

in

always

translated “adultery,” porneia refers to all kinds of sexual immorality which breaks the one flesh principle. Jesus emphasized the sanctity of marriage: “What God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matt. 19:6) While the Pharisees and scribes said that the Law demanded divorce under certain circumstances, Jesus said, It has

been

said,

give her a certificate of divorces

his

wife,

her to become an

‘Anyone who divorce. except

divorces

‘But I

for

tell

‘marital

adulteress,

his

you that

wife must anyone who

unfaithfulness’

causes

and anyone who

marries

the divorced woman commits adultery. Matt. 5:3132

The Law indeed commanded that a certificate of divorce be written, if there were to be a valid divorce.

But

saying that

divorce.

they

must

that is

a very

God’s

different call

to

thing from us

is

to love and to forgive. Therefore, divorce is not necessitated even by adultery. There must always and this

be the possibility

should be seriously

of

forgiveness

and reconciliation

pursued – indeed married couples

who

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have experienced a break in covenant faithfulness should strive to repair their

relationship through

forgiveness,

reconciliation

and personal

transformation before divorce proceedings are initiated. The story of Hosea illustrates God’s active role in the marriage covenant and reflects God’s covenant love for His people. In obedience to God’s command, Hosea pursued Gomer and accepted her as God restored the covenant relationship. Likewise,

the Session

offer forgiveness

should encourage

the offended spouse to

and reconciliation

with

the hope of

drawing the offending spouse back to right relationship in the marriage. Pastors

who

become aware of

potential

divorce

situations

within

the church, either through the parties involved or from outside sources, should encourage

both

partners to

seek Christian marriage counseling,

either from the church staff or from other qualified counselors. God’s love, forgiveness,

and healing power should be emphasized, especially

where the offending spouse (who committed the marital repentant

unfaithfulness)is

and the offended spouse is

reluctant

to forgive and unwilling to continue in the marriage. Christ’s teaching is that if a divorce takes place on any other grounds than that of marital unfaithfulness, it can have no sanction from God, and any new marriage which

follows

is

an adulterous

act,

since

from

God’s

standpoint the original couple is still married to each other. Matthew 19:9 indicates

that a valid divorce

(on

the grounds

of

marital

unfaithfulness) entails the right to remarry. Paul, in 1 Cor.7:12-15 cites the case of a man who becomes a Christian after marriage. His wife, however, remains an unbeliever but is willing to continue living with him. The injunction is that he is not to divorce her. But if she were to leave him, she is to be allowed to do so. Desertion is the destruction of the marriage which the Christian spouse was unable to prevent. The believer in such a case is not bound (that is, he or she is free to divorce and remarry) ; for Paul says,” God has called us to live in peace.” (1 Cor.7:15)

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This implies that in the case of a serious breakdown of a marriage– even when both parties are believers and peace has given way to open warfare, as in

the case of

extreme incompatibility– it may be better for

the couple to separate, temporarily at least, rather than to continue in a relationship that has become intolerable. But in such a circumstance, there should be no resort to divorce, let alone any intention of entering into a

second marriage.

In

the case of

such

a separation,

they

are either to remain single, or earnestly work toward effecting reconciliation (1 Cor.7:1011).

Some would understand Matt.19:9 to restrict biblical divorce only to cases of physical

adultery.

However,

the issue addressed there is

what

we

agree with

constitutes

John

Murray

that

legitimate remarriage.

In

other words; Jesus’ point is if one remarries without a biblical divorce, he or she is committing adultery. Further, such a restrictive understanding of Matt.19:9 cannot account for Paul’s grounds of desertion in 1 Cor.7:12-15. To reconcile these passages

we must

search

out the overriding principle from which they both derive, the one flesh principle of

the marriage

mandate (Gen.2:24;

cf.Matt.19:5;

1 Cor.6:16;

Eph.5:2829).Both adultery and desertion break the one flesh relationship. Why is adultery...cause sufficient for dissolving the bond of marriage? As it is a radical breach of marital fidelity, violating the commitment of exclusive conjugal love. Why does the departure of an unbeliever in a mixed marriage leave the believer free to remarry? (1 Cor.7: 1516). Because

violating the commitment

of

lifelong companionship

is

a radical breach of marital fidelity. The exceptional circumstance common to both instances

is

willful repudiation of the marriage covenant. Ongoing physical

abuse and attempted murder may

be examples

of

actions which the Session may determine breaks the one flesh principle. If there is “hardness of heart” and the parties are unable to reconcile and so

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proceed to divorce, the Session must indicate that it strongly disagrees with that action, while maintaining lines of communication and love to both husband and wife. Even divorce should not preclude continued attempts at reconciliation, until one spouse remarries or refuses reconciliation in such a way as to reveal him or herself to be, in effect, an unbeliever. Attempts to reconcile are mandatory after an unbiblical divorce– the Session should exhort the spouse(s) under its jurisdiction to continue as long as reconciliation is possible. Reconciliation should be encouraged in the case of biblical divorce

as

well,

that

God may

be glorified in

the healing of

relationships among his people. In light of Scripture’s clear teaching on the sanctity of marriage and God’s strong opposition

to and restrictions

cannot condone the easy

accessibility

on

divorce,

to divorce

surely

in our

Christians

contemporary

society. Increasingly we must emphasize the lifelong commitment implicit in the marriage

covenant,

and especially

should be a constant

witness

the new order

of

to God’s

in Christian order

recreation

of

marriage which creation

in

and to Christ.

WHAT ABOUT REMARRIAGE? May those involved in a divorce without biblical grounds ever remarry? Or can

the offending spouse in

a biblical

divorce

ever remarry?

Jesus

explicitly teaches that those who are involved in a remarriage after an improper divorce

commit

adultery.

Although

members may

come under discipline for remarrying after an unbiblical divorce, there is always the prospect of restoration of that member if he or she demonstrates true repentance. The blood of Christ is sufficient for the sins of all true believers. The Session should actively work towards this end. However, when one of the spouses in a former union remarries, we may conclude that

the other is

free to remarry

because the former marriage relationship has been permanently broken by the remarriage. The Church must be careful not to sanction unbiblical

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marriages; but, as noted above, when a former spouse has remarried, or refuses reconciliation in such a way as to reveal himself or herself to be, in effect, an unbeliever, remarriage to another person becomes a valid option for the other party in the light of 1 Cor.7. Before anyone remarries, even under these conditions,

that

person

should demonstrate “sufficient

penitence for sin and failure,” and manifest “a firm purpose of an endeavor after Christian marriage.” The Session

should encourage

anyone considering remarriage

to participate in counseling to ascertain their penitence and desire for a Christian

marriage.

In

addition,

they

should be encouraged to prayerfully consider if God may be calling them to remain unmarried, as Paul encourages in 1 Cor.7:8, and in view of that fact that “one failure in this realm raises serious questions as to the rightness and wisdom of undertaking another union” (WCF 24.7). What about those cases in which people have been involved in an unbiblical divorce

before becoming believers

Wise and loving pastoral to seek God’s

gracious

oversight

and have since

should encourage

forgiveness,

in

such

remarried? individuals

the assurance

that

He will forgive them and accept their present marriage. Does this mean that in this case God has changed or lowered His standards? Not so. But it does mean that even divorce and remarriage under such circumstances, serious though they are, are not unforgivable sins, but with all other transgressions, are covered by the blood of Christ.1

1. Optic., Position Paper on divorce and Remarriage.

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6. SOCIAL PERPECTIVE Family structure in the United States changed rapidly in the second half of the twentieth century. A wide variety of family forms increasingly replaced the two-parent family norm. In 2001, 69 percent of children lived in twoparent families, down from 77 percent in 1980 (Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 2002). Divorce is common. About half of all recent first marriages are expected to end in divorce (Ooms, 2002). Of children born into two-parent families, 34 percent will experience a disruption of their parents’ union by age 16. One-third of all births are outof-wedlock. And couples opting to cohabit rather than marry are becoming an increasingly common phenomenon. Forty percent of all births occur within cohabiting unions rather than marriages (Bumpass & Lu, 2000). Some European countries also experienced a precipitous decline in marriage rates but have recently seen those rates level and even rise (Ford, 2002). A vast accumulation of research suggests that children do not fare as well in these alternative family structure forms as children living with their two married biological parents. Numerous studies indicate that children growing up in single-parent families experience worse outcomes than children growing up in two-parent families (Acs & Nelson, 2001; Amato & Keith, 1991; McLanahan & Sandefeur, 1994; Wu & Martinson, 1993). And many studies show that divorce, specifically, is correlated with negative effects on children’s well-being (Amato, 1993; Amato & Keith, 1991; ChaseLansdale, Cherlin, & Kiernan, 1995; Chase-Lansdale & Hetherington, 1990). Even when parents remarry, a synthesis of the research suggests that this does not appear to improve outcomes (Amato, 1993). Recent research also suggests a relationship between marriage and positive outcomes for adults. Married couples build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples, while divorce and unmarried childbearing increase the risk of poverty for children and mothers (Lupton and Smith, 2002). Individuals who are married are found to have better health and longer life expectancies than similar singles (Lillard and Waite, 1995).

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Married mothers have lower rates of depression than cohabiting or single mothers (Brown, 2000). Research also shows that unhappily married adults who divorce or separate, on average, are no happier than unhappily married adults who stay together (Waite et al., 2002). Relationship Programs A diverse set of relationship programs currently exists to improve relationships

and

marriages.

Marriage

and

relationship

education

programs vary by sponsoring organization, curricular focus, client learning style, and target population. They are developed from government, research, or faith-based initiatives or they may operate privately for profit. Programs may operate in mental health centers, hospitals, public assistance offices, churches, or universities, among other places. Curricula deal with topics such as communication, parenting or finances. Providers utilize formats that may be instructive, group-oriented, or analytic, and programs may operate with different group sizes and treatment dosage amounts. The programs reach many populations, including individuals (e.g. youth, fathers, mothers), couples (e.g. pre-marital, married), and families. While

the

interpretation

of

outcomes

research

on

marriage

and

relationship programs is complex, experts in the field suggest generally there is promising evidence that couples can learn specific skills to improve their relationships (Stanley, Markman, & Jenkins, 2002). According to these experts, couples can learn to reduce patterns of negative

interaction

and

maintain

higher

levels

of

relationship

satisfaction. They noted that in some studies, higher-risk couples show the strongest program effects, and some studies have found that the beneficial effects appear to last up to five years after the training. U.S. Policy Response Recently marriage has become a national issue of public policy in the United States. The Bush Administration has proposed that the Federal government dedicate $300 million a year as part of the Temporary Assistance for Needy

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Families (TANF) program to "help couples form and sustain healthy marriages." Proposed legislation focuses on eight allowable activities: 1.

Public advertising campaigns on the value of marriage and the skills

needed to increase marital stability and health. 2.

Education in high schools on the value of marriage, relationship skills,

and budgeting. 3. which

Marriage education, marriage skills, and relationship skills programs, may

include

parenting

skills,

financial

management,

conflict

resolution, and job and career advancement, for non-married pregnant women and non-married expectant fathers. 4.

Pre-marital education and marriage skills training for engaged couples

and for couples or individuals interested in marriage. 5.

Marriage enhancement and marriage skills training programs for

married couples. 6.

Divorce reduction programs that teach relationship skills.

7.

Marriage mentoring programs, which use married couples as role

models and mentors. 8.

Programs to reduce the disincentives to marriage in means-tested aid

programs, if offered in conjunction with any activity described in this subparagraph.

5

5. Jane Reardon-Anderson, Matthew Stagner, Jennifer Ehrle Macomber, and Julie Murray, Systematic Review of the Impact of Marriage and Relationship Programs, Funding: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

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7. CHOOSING A MATE Marriage is, undoubtedly, a wonderful institution ordained by God (Genesis 2:18-25). One of the ways that Christians can testify and model before the unbelieving world the beauty of a healthy, Christ-centered marriage, is to make sure before getting married that we have made a wise choice in our future spouse, one who is truly going to honor and uphold the sanctity of their marriage vows.

Unfortunately, many Christians who would give serious thought and reflection before purchasing a car or a home, would never apply the same amount of scrutiny before marrying their future spouse – one, who in the end, is going to have a far greater impact (whether positive or detrimental) upon their lives than would the purchase of any material object.

Over the years, numerous Christian deeply regret the choices that they have made in their wives or husbands. Some have ended in divorce while others have remained married in spite of constant strife and tension within the home. Most, if not all, have made the same mistake: They failed to fully examine the character and level of Christian commitment of the person they intended to marry. Wrapped up in the emotional splendor of courting someone they found attractive, they allowed their critical faculties to go to the wayside and, thus, were unable to discern the folly of their decision. A large percentage of these problem marriages were due to immature and untaught Christians naively choosing persons who were outright pagans or nominal Christians at best. While such marriages can sometimes be saved, many of them cannot because of pride, hardness of heart, adultery, and numerous other sins which pollute the marriage vow. Those rare marriages that remain intact – in spite of continual strife and turmoil among the partners – is usually a form of God’s judgment upon the believer for making unwise or unscriptural choices in a

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mate. It is hoped that the following points – while not exhaustive – will help those who are considering a marriage partner to make choices that are wise and glorifying to their Creator who graciously gave us the institution of marriage.

#1. The Importance Of Making A Wise Choice At The Outset: a. It helps to prevent future heartaches and marital problems. Do you want to be spared the tears, the heartaches, and the guilt which comes when we ignore the wisdom of God’s Word in choosing a mate? Make sure, then, that you choose a person who is truly regenerate, who has character, who is mature and responsible, and who possesses a common set of values. The prolific writer and Bishop of Liverpool, J.C. Ryle (1816-1900), has wisely stated the following regarding marriage: “In no relation is so much earthly happiness to be found, if it be entered upon discreetly, advisedly and in the fear of God. In none is so much misery seen to follow, if it be taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, wantonly and without thought.” Thomas Gataker, has likewise written, “It is not evil to marry, but good to be wary.”

b. It helps to preserve your testimony as a Christian family before the eyes of the watching and unbelieving world. Part of the reason why so many unbelievers mock the virtues of a Christian marriage, is because they see little genuine difference between their marriages and those of so-called Christians. You’ll give the pagans an even greater opportunity to laugh when they see the level of tension and carnality that exists in your home because you foolishly married a heathen or nominal Christian.

c. A healthy marriage relationship helps to encourage and strengthen your commitment to Christ. On the other hand, how encouraging is it to constantly drag with you everywhere a spiritually-dead corpse in the form of an

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unregenerate pagan? Making a prudent and Scripturally-wise choice in a marriage partner will do much to direct one’s life on a continual path of holiness – for as J.A. Motyer has said, “Marriage is not a concession to our sinfulness; marriage is a provision for our holiness.”

d. It helps to promote peace and stability within our busy and fast-paced lives. Life itself has enough problems, but why exacerbates those problems by marrying someone who is shady in their character or who has very little commitment to Christ?

e. A good marriage helps to provide our children with a loving and stable environment. But how peaceful and stable is that environment going to be when married to one who possesses the opposite of your values and whose goals rise no higher than this present world?

f. It helps to model what a Christian marriage should be for future generations, thus insuring the continuance of the marriage institution. With so many abandoning and ridiculing the blessing of marriage within our culture, there is an urgent need for Christians to make wise spousal decisions and practically model what a healthy, Christ-centered marriage should look like.

#2. What Relational Concepts/Principles Must Be Foundational In A Mate? a. There is absolutely no justification for knowingly marrying someone who is not a believer (1 Corinthians 7:39). To do so, exposes not only your disobedience to the revealed will of God, but brings into question your status as a child of God or, at the least, the quality and maturity of your Christian walk. Moreover, it is a fools game to engage in “missionary dating” (i.e., dating

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unbelievers in hopes of evangelizing them). It places the believer in incredibly tempting situations (Matthew 4:5-7), thus potentially discrediting his testimony if he should fall.

b. While there is no precise and definite rule on this, it is the better of wisdom to court for a relatively long period of time before getting married (perhaps for two or three years). This allows for greater opportunities to see the true character and person that one is intending to marry. It’s easy to put on a mask and conceal the immoral skeletons hiding in one’s closet for a period of time, but it’s much harder when such props have to be maintained over many months. Longer courtship’s help to solidify and deepen the relationship, develop and improve communication skills, ferret out any differences in roles or child-rearing philosophies, and insures that one is making a prudent and Godglorifying decision.

c. It is probably not wise to court a newly converted believer. Not only is time needed in order to prove the genuineness of their conversion, but they need time and space in which to develop a deep relationship with Christ; one that is not distracted by another’s affection and time that is not robbed from Christian ministry in order to pursue courtship activities.

d. It is not wise to court immature or irresponsible persons, regardless of how physically attractive they are or their Christian status. It may seem unnecessary and patently obvious to point this out, but it is amazing how many Christians will wreck havoc on their marriages because they ignored such obvious danger signs as immaturity and irresponsibility when they were courting.

e. It is probably not the wisest to court those in the process of recovering from

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an emotional break-up. In the majority of cases, they’re still emotionally attached to that person and are often quick to dump their new love interest if given the chance to return to their old flame. Besides, would you really want to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone on an emotional rollercoaster? Can you really be sure that their interest in you is not temporary filler until someone else comes along?

f. Seek to establish a similar marital philosophy and goals before getting married. Make sure that you’re both thinking alone the same lines since it will help to prevent or reduce any future confusion about leadership roles in the home, child-rearing, and the numerous issues that newly-married couples must face.

g. Consider and value the opinions of mature Christians (perhaps the elders of your assembly) regarding the personal and spiritual qualities of your selection in a marriage partner. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15; see also 13:10).

h. Center your courtship on the things of God (e.g., Bible study, church-related activities, and ministry) and not merely “fun” or social events. While there is a time and place for fun activities, these should not dominate the relationship nor should they cause us to abandon our ministry commitments unto the Lord.

i. The discerning Christian man, as leader within the courting relationship, should not place himself in a setting or environment where the potential of fornication can be realized. It is much wiser to court in a small group of other couples or even having a chaperon present who can oversee the event and hold you both accountable.

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#3. What A Christian Woman Should Look For Or Avoid In A Mate:

a. Spiritual Maturity and Christ-likeness: Is he serious about his walk with God? How long has he saving known the Lord? What do his closest friends think about the level of his Christian commitment? The truth is, the woman who is serious about her Christianity will desire – and only be content with – the man who is likewise devout and serious about his Christianity! The Christian woman who settles for anything less – particularly the woman who is “desperate” because she sees herself getting older – should justly expect much turmoil and frustration in her marriage as well as relatively little fruit in her spiritual walk. Although, admittedly, there are rare exceptions, this in no way justifies settling for a “nominal” Christian (which, in most cases, is nothing more than an unregenerate pagan cloaked in religious attire).

b. Personal Responsibility: Is he responsible in maintaining a job, paying his bills, and in meeting other personal or social responsibilities? This will tell you much about his level of maturity.

c. Ethical Behavior: Is he an ethical person? Is he known as a liar or cheat? Does he constantly stretch the truth? What do his closest friends think about his moral character?

d. Watch out for the man who is rude or disrespectful to his parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-3). This is an important indicator of how he will treat you once married. Be alert also to the man who has not spoken

to

his

parents

in

years

and

has

stopped

all

mutual

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communication. In some instances, this might be justified; but, in most, it’s an indication of hardheartedness.

e. Watch out for the man who brags of his previous female conquests (sexually). Most likely, he’s intending for you to be his next victim.

f. Avoid the overly macho types. They’re filled with pride and usually can’t see beyond themselves. The same also applies with the man who is always talking about himself. Such people are too self-centered to give themselves in sacrificial service to others.

g. Watch out for the man who has serious difficulty in communicating with you. Since communication is an important element to a healthy marriage, why would you want someone whose expressions are limited to grunts and one-liners? While I grant that men are not as expressive as women, an emotionally-stable partner must be able to communicate, to some extent, his thoughts, feelings, and future goals.

h. Watch out for the man who has worldly interests and is easily attracted to carnal pursuits (James 4:4; 1 John 2:15-17). Such a man is spiritually unstable and is destined to bring misery to anyone who is foolish enough to marry him.

i. Avoid men who are effeminate or who struggle with their sexual orientation. It is much wiser to avoid the man altogether who has come out of the homosexual lifestyle, since homosexuality is an especially wicked sin to overcome and, most likely, there will be the constant drive or pull to return to that lifestyle. The potential of serious marital

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problems and heartaches is all the more increased when courting former homosexuals. I freely acknowledge, however, that some couples have been able to sustain a healthy, well-balanced marriage in spite of their previous lifestyles – and the New Testament clearly recognizes that homosexuals, by the sovereign power of Christ, can be delivered from such vile practices (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Even still, the woman who is considering marriage to a former homosexual ought to, at least, be aware of the unique and potentially harmful problems that await her.

j. Avoid men who are wimpy and unable to make leadership decisions in their life. Such men are usually lacking in direction and the motivation needed to be true leaders in the home. Watch out also for the man who is excessively attached to his mother and her opinions.

k. Along the same lines, watch out for the man who is looking for a mother-figure, not a wife. These type of men are notorious for abdicating their leadership role within the marriage.

#4. What A Christian Man Should Look For Or Avoid In A Mate

a. Spiritual Maturity and Christ-likeness: Is she truly serious about God? Did she just recently decide to be spiritually-minded since meeting you? Many people (both men and women) suddenly get “religious” when they discover that the person they’re attracted to is a church-going Christian.

b. Is she responsible in her personal affairs? Does she meet her financial obligations if any? Is she a responsible employee? “House and wealth are

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an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14).

c. Watch out for the woman who excessively gossips, since such a woman will more than likely be a source of strife and tension with others because of her inability to keep matters private. Any man who hopes to one day serve in a pastoral function should also be wary of the woman who gossips, since she may be one of the means to discrediting his ministry among church members who need to have confidence that their private matters won’t be spread to the church-at-large. “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (Proverbs 20:19).

d. Avoid domineering women. This kind of woman will most assuredly fight with you over leadership issues in the home. “It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Proverbs 21:9; see also 25:24). Godly men should seek for the kind of qualities mentioned in both the Proverbs 31:10-31 and 1 Peter 3:1-6. Along the same lines, it is probably wiser to also avoid loud or boisterous women since they are particularly inclined to provoking conflict in the marriage.

e. Watch out for the woman who excessively spends money, since it will probably be a point of contention in the marriage. More than that, it reveals a materialistic spirit and the foolish gentleman who chooses to marry her will probably incur much unnecessary debt throughout his life.

f. Watch out for the woman who is discourteous and disrespectful to her

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parents (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-3). This is an indicator of how she will probably treat you.

g. Avoid the woman who dresses provocatively or who wears revealing clothes. It is a clear indicator that she lacks discretion, propriety, and modesty (1 Timothy 2:9-10); and has been overly influenced by worldly fashion standards. It also demonstrates that she is less than sensitive to the visual temptations that all men struggle with.

h. Women who are continuously jealous or easily suspicious of your unfaithfulness (unless you deserve such suspicion) should be avoided. It indicates personal insecurity, immaturity, and lack of trust in the marriage bond.

i. Avoid women who are idle or unproductive in their daily lives (Proverbs 31:10-27; Titus 2:3-5). This also applies to the woman who is continually dependent upon others to provide her purpose and meaning for her existence. In other words, lacking self-motivation, she constantly needs other people to stimulate and motivate her. If a woman proves to be lazy or idle before the marriage is consummated, it will most likely occur and continue after the wedding day. Generally speaking, they turn out to be poor homemakers and sacrifice very little for their families.6

6. Darryl M. Erkel, Qualities to Look For – Or Avoid – In a Potential Mate, Biblical & Practical Wisdom for Choosing a Marriage Partner.

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8. AFFIRMATIONS AND CONCLUSIONS Further affirmations are relevant to this discussion: 1)

Paul reminds us in 2 Cor.6:1415, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers....What a unbeliever?” Such

believer

has in

teaching clearly

common

implies

with

that it

is

an

not only

unwise but indeed sinful for a Christian to enter into a marriage with a person who is not a Christian. It is incumbent upon churches to apprise young people of the dangers inherent in being “unequally yoked,” and to encourage them to seek only Christians as potential spouses. 2)

While all

Christians

are admonished to conduct themselves

in

a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ(Phil.1:27), those persons who are called to positions of leadership in the church have an especially solemn responsibility to behave in an exemplary manner in every area of

their

incumbent

lives,

including their

sexuality.

upon teaching and ruling elders to

It is

particularly

set

a

Godly

example. St. Paul insists that the elder “must be above reproach, the husband of one wife” (1 Tim.3:45), which implies that he must be faithful to the “one flesh” marriage covenant. A similar requirement is made for deacons (1 Tim.3:12). Let’s concur at this point with the position of the Presbyterian Church in America that anyone “who is divorced in accord with biblical principles, whether remaining single or

having remarried, may

serve as

a church

officer.” Church Sessions and Presbyteries must exercise special care in the case of persons considered for church office that have divorced or remarried on unbiblical

grounds.

In such

be acknowledged and repentance for concerned must

have been

situations, sin

guilt

expressed.

rehabilitated sufficiently

in

must

The persons the confidence

and respect of other Christians as to be able to fulfill in an exemplary way

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the requirements

of

church office with

regard to

marital

and family

relationships. Sessions should consider that even when such care is exercised, there may be circumstances in which it would be inadvisable, even though technically permissible, for such divorced or remarried persons to serve as church officers.

It should be noted that serving as

an

officer

of

the church

is

a privilege, not a right. Community awareness of the situation might also be considered so that not even apparent scandal is attached to the church. Above all,

Sessions

should follow scriptural

guidelines

carefully

in

dealing with present or prospective church officers who have been divorced, keeping foremost in mind that the honor of Christ be made manifest in the church and the community. Congregations within the Evangelical Presbyterian Church can take many helpful steps to minister the redemptive love of Christ to their members who go through

the tragedy

of

divorce

and to

reach

out to those outside the Church who are suffering the aftermath of divorce. Some effective steps to be considered are: 1.

Pastors preaching sermons regularly on topics which will strengthen

family life within the church. 2.

Churches

expanding their

educational

and fellowship programs

to include: a.

regular Bible studies on Christian marriage and the roles and

b.

Responsibilities of husband and wife;

c.

Family seminars and marriage enrichment workshops;

d.

Regular couple’s retreats;

e.

Making available books

on

biblical

marriage

and family

development. 3.

Pastors undertaking continuing education in premarital and marital

counseling. 4.

Congregations requiring effective premarital counseling for all couples.

5.

Special

counsel

being given

to those who

have been

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divorced and are contemplating remarriage. In the light of church’s doctrinal standards: a.

Is God’s vocation for them that they remain unmarried “since one failure in this realm raises serious question as to the rightness and wisdom

of

undertaking another union?”

should be explored with

This

sensitivity

question and an

earnest desire to help them work through the implication of such a possibility. b.

Assurance

should be received that these persons

have come,

or

desire to come, to genuine faith in Christ, in order that they may demonstrate “sufficient penitence for sin and failure” and manifest “a firm purpose of and endeavor after Christian marriage.” (WCF 24:6) c.

If

the Church

is

satisfied that

remarriage

is

justifiable,

the candidates should be offered participation in a divorce recovery program in which past failure in marital relationships is honestly confronted, so that such realities as guilt, resentment, frustration, fear and anger resulting from

the first

marriage are not carried over as

a time bomb

to

destroy

the second marriage. 6.

Pastors

training mature Christian

couples

with

strong marriages

to assist in pre marital counseling. 7.

Congregations

have gone through

having a support a divorce

group for

those who

and are seeking to redefine and reestablish

their life within the fellowship of the church.1

1. Optic., Position Paper on Divorce and Remarriage.

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9. BIBLIOGRAPHY 1. Position Paper on Divorce and Remarriage, Adopted 16th General Assembly, June 1996, Evangelical Presbyterian Church, America. 2. Derek R. Iannelli-Smith, Reflective Review of Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes, Reformed Perspective Magazine, Volume 7, Number 16, April 17 to April 23, 2005. 3. Guidelines for Marriage and Divorce, Perimeter Church.

4. John Piper and Wayne Grudem, A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, 1991, Crossway Books Wheaton, Illinois.

5. Jane Reardon-Anderson, Matthew Stagner, Jennifer Ehrle Macomber, and Julie Murray, Systematic Review of the Impact of Marriage and Relationship Programs, Funding: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. 6. Darryl M. Erkel, Qualities to Look For – Or Avoid – In a Potential Mate, Biblical & Practical Wisdom for Choosing a Marriage Partner.