Jokes 2

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' R.I.P. When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening. I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation. When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years." Driving Test A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer. So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" Balance God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there." You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If - You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. - You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. - You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" - Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. - You chat several times a day with someone from

South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. - Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play. - Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. - You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. - The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. - You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. - Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email Perspective An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my

mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!" Turtle Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." Mean Old Woman An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down." Murphey's Laws Of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. Computer Airliner At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Sherlock Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend

awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent." Crisis There can't be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full. Bad Accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police." Bear Chase Two guys are out in the woods hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack

and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" The first guy says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"! The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you." New Evidence The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer argued: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." Judge: "What new evidence could you have?" Lawyer: "My client has an extra $10,000 and I just found out about it!" Program Managers A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I

can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch." Jealousy The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up." Young Businessman A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help

you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!" Isn't It True? At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." $100 Prayer A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", they decided to send it to the President. He was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the

money. "However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95." Speeding A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?" The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that." The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?" The man replied, "I don't have one officer." "Of course you do," said the policeman. "No sir, I don't," said the man. "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman. "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man. "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir," Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to." The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun." "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic. "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!" "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk." "WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?" "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated. "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe." So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!" He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman. "I'll be right there," said the chief. In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?" "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket. Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?" "Yes," said the man. "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief. The man leaned over to open the glove compartment. "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief. "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there." "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy. "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment." "Yes," said the man, "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief. "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?" "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk." "The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!" Tax Season Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked. "My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother." You Think Your Job's Bad? Try one of these on for size! -Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician -Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist -Rotten Sardine Taste Detector -Assistant To The Boss's Nephew -Shark Baiter -Hurricane Photographer -Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility -Prison Glee Club President -Road Kill Removal Crew America's Unique - Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. - Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. - Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. - Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. Ice Fishing An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite. He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye! This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He

went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?" The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm." "What," asked the old man? Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.” Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!" The Smartest Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man. Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river." The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way. The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of

the way. The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman! The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it. Learning to Talk There was a man who couldn't talk and he wanted to learn how. So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go "Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee." Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and knives, forks and knives." Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!" He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?" "Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee" "Well, how did you kill him?" "Forks and knives, forks and Knives"

"But why did you kill him?" "He stole my lollipop!" "Okay, you're coming with me mister!" You Know It's Not Going to Be a Good Day When... - Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. - Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat. - Your pet rock snaps at you. - Your twin sister forgets your birthday. - You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. - Your income tax refund check bounces. - Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. - Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. Separate Rooms The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…” Stupid A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Toothbrush Sales The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful. Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said, “This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" Only in America - Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. - Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

- Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. - Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. - Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Lying Politician A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents. "My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe." Busload of Politicians A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the

politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them." Total Control A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him. He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc. So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished. This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government. Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m. He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him: "If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep." The guys continue talking. Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills. The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep... When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found. Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night). The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys. Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills. Wisdom of Age An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" The One Sunday It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!" Using the FBI The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher. The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor's house.

"Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?" "Sure Did!" "Did they chop your firewood?!" "Yep!" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!" School Visit After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?” Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class. “Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes... do you kids have any questions?” Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?” Did You Ever Wonder? - Can you cry under water?

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? - If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? - Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? - Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? - Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? - Why does a round pizza come in a square box? - What did cured ham actually have? - How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Red Wagon It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he

saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it." If Life Were Like A Computer: - You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. - You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! - You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. - You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. - You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys. - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you mess up your life, you could always press

"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! Masterpiece One day a girl came home crying to her mom. The mom asked what was wrong. The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!" Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece." The End is Near A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" Stork Education Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...

"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!" Three Arkansas surgeons Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing the surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President Tequila Christmas Cookies 1 1 1 1 1 1 4 1

cup of water tsp baking soda cup of sugar tsp salt cup of brown sugar tbsp le mon ju ice large eggs cup of nuts

2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle of Tequila Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the Highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try Another cup. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just Pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spo on of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to Put The dirty stove in the dishwasher. I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control , to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that .... In case I need to fix it again?' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric............. Superbowl A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes

down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. 'No', he said, 'the seat is empty'. 'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?' Somberly, the man says, 'Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967.' 'Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?' The man shakes his head, 'No. They're all at the funeral.' TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE

MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOV! ED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A W ITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

The UPS Man

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 oclock Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.'

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in.' 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers. 'Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers t he senator. 'Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened'? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.' DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.... Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding

in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time." ">"THREE WOMEN IN MEXICO" face="Times New Roman"> face="Times New Roman">Three women go down to w:st="on"> w:st="on">Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible w:st="on">College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,

face="Times New Roman">and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the

Power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees , beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in." Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph

hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Nine Months Later......" Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. <SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: #004080; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. " I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.<SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a

few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. Arial"

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" Arial"

"Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" color=black size=4>

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out . "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 'Comic Sans MS'"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" color=black size=4>

"She just died and left me everything." MS'"

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't

you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.) MS'" YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007-2008 school year when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,...no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!" > > > > The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and > she

> asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of > your body > goes first?" > > > > > > Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." > > > > > > Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" > > > > > > Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in > front of > you and God just takes your hands first." > > > > > > What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. > > > > > > Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your > feet." > > > > > > The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little > Johnny, > why do you think it would be your feet?" > >

> > > > Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's the other > night. > Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, > I'm > coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." >

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsier

that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Arial"Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Arial"Van Gogh"

See if you have Arial"De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc . Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Suzan Malligan, and crew take you safely to your destination.' Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?' When the attendant came by with the drink cart he said, 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My Goodness' said Ed, 'I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'

'It's The Box Office.' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My Goodness' said Ed, 'I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.'

'It's The Box Office.' Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

GOTTA LOVE THIS NURSE!

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence:

' Get well quick.....from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You Don't Have To O wn A Ca t To Appre ciate This O ne! You don't even have t o like 'em! We w ere dresse d and ready to go ou t for th e New Years Eve P arty. We t urned on a night light, turned th e answering ma chine on, co vered our p et para keet and p ut t he ca t in th e backyard. We p honed th e local c ab co mpany and requested a t axi. The ta xi arrived and we opened th e front door to leave th e house. The c at we p ut ou t in th e yard, scoo ts back in to th e house. We di dn't wan t th e cat s hut in t he ho use because she always tries to eat t he bird. My wife goes ou t to t he ta xi, w hile I wen t insi de to get t he c at. The ca t runs ups tairs, w it h me in ho t pursuit. Wa iting in the c ab,my wife doesn't wan t the driver t o kno w tha t th e house will be emp ty for th e night. So, s he ex pla ins! to t he t axi driver t ha t I will be out soon, 'He's j ust going u pstairs to say Goodbye t o my m ot her.' A fe w minutes later, I get in to th e cab. 'Sorry I too k so long, ' I sai d, as we drove away. That stu pid b -- -- w as hiding under t he bed. I h ad t o po ke h er wi th a coa t hanger t o get her t o co me out! S he t rie d to t ake off, so I grabbed her by t he nec k. Then, I had to

wrap her in a Blanket to k eep he r from sc ratc hing m e. But it w orked! I hauled h er fat a -Downs tairs and th rew h er out in to th e back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.

WHY GOD MADE MUMS Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of ? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me. What kind of little girl was your Mum? 1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mum marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.

And my Mum eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What's the difference between Mums & Dads? 1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mum do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mum perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________ OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________ SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________ GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. _____________________________ HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her

a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________ LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________ PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________ DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. _____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

New Words for 2008 * SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever

attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

-FAMILY:

COSTELLO: No, the name' s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. '>

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for

my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You

recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my

computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you

get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's

right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's

bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty y years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service... Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new Young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.' NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!! (HTBAPB - HOW TO BE A PERFECT B!TCH)

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??