Hemp Stevens Final Cut I

(HEMP STEVENS) by (SCOTT BONNER, CLINTON BONNER, JON NOLAN)

Revisions by (Names of Subsequent Writers, in Order of Work Performed)

Current Revisions by (Current Writer, date)

Name (of company, if applicable) Address Phone Number

Soft chanting of “GO HEMP GO” is heard.

The chanting swells. FADE IN:

EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM BARCELONA, SPAIN 1992 - DAY A cloudless day, a packed Olympic stadium is anxious with excitement. A young HEMP STEVENS stands at the beginning of a pole-vault track. At 6’3” with an athletic build, dark wavy hair, and a handsome face, Hemp Stevens stares straight ahead, focused on the task at hand. ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.) (excited) One hundred and ten thousand people on hand, and this is what they all came to see. Hemp Stevens, perhaps the greatest olympic hero of all time in perhaps the greatest olympic moment of all time!!! ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.) That’s right GIGGS, not only will Hemp win the gold if he successfully navigates this jump, but he would also break the new world record set by none other than the “Iron Pole” himself, Russia’s IVAN JERKINGOV. CUT TO: INT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS A young, well built man with a military haircut is leaning back on a bench showing no emotion. A large “bulge” in his spandex shorts is evident. Underneath him, blinking yellow letters read: “JERKINGOV”. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) Just look at him LLYOD, what a physical specimen, what a man... What a man. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.) But, if Hemp makes this jump it’ll be back to Siberia for Jerkingov. CUT TO:

2.

OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS Hemp squints his eyes and peers forward, breathing deeply. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) You can’t help but to root for this young man. He’s simply become the poster-boy for American polevaulting. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.) Let us not forget all that Hemp has done and continues to do for his community back home as well. CUT TO: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY A young black kid runs and pole-vaults over the outstretched arms of two adults whose arms have formed the cross-bar, as Hemp looks on in his track suit. The child lands hard onto the cardboard covered pavement. CHILD (looking up) I wanna be like Hemp. As the fathers look on and nod in agreement, Hemp gives the little kid a “thumbs up”. CUT TO: INT. ANNOUNCERS’ BOOTH OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS Two television announcers adorned with puffy orange microphones are seated behind a “sports” desk. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD Too true Giggs. With Hemp’s tutelage and dedication, inner city youths have finally been given the opportunity to embrace the art and science, that is pole vaulting. Hemp’s volunteer work has simply been unprecedented.

3.

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS And Lloyd, as if that weren’t enough, Hemp is also carrying a 2.5 GPA, all the while being a model “Patriot” at the University of Stony Brook back home on Long Island. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (smiling at his partner) And he’s rumored to be circumcised! CUT TO: EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS A MOVING SHOT CIRCLING HEMP’S HEAD Olympians crowd the side lines as the enormity of the crowd is seen. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) Big guy, county champ, all American... Well, one thing is for certain, if Hemp can make this jump he will forever be immortalized in the hearts and souls of all Americans. With all this going for him, one can only wonder what the future holds for this fine young man. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.) Here’s the moment we have all been waiting for, Hemp’s unorthodox prejump ritual. Overdone? Perhaps. Necessary? Certainly not, but it has become a fan favorite from sea to shining sea! With his pole resting on his shoulder, Hemp quickly raises his loosely closed fists up to eye level. The chanting crowd hushes. In a clockwise motion, He makes small circles into the air while slightly moaning, groaning. HEMP (circling his hands) WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH... CUT TO:

4.

A SERIES OF SHOTS US TRACK TEAM They mimic Hemp’s every move. SECTION OF THE CROWD All fans are standing, decked out in red, white, and blue. The entire section circles their hands and grunts along. AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV Olympic Stadium is packed. The sounds of the “WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH...” grow and echo throughout. TIMES SQUARE - NYC A tremendous crowd is gathered. Thousands of people watch the “jumbo-tron” as they cheer Hemp on. Next to the jumbotron, a billboard ad for underwear features Hemp Stevens. The sign reads: “HEMPWEAR U.S.A.”. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) (throughout the shots) He does this bizarre motion twentythree times in honor of his pet cat LU-LU who birthed twenty-three kittens, just one shy of the all time record of twenty-four. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.) Today, here in Barcelona, Hemp Stevens can establish a record all his own. EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS CLOSE SHOT - HEMP He completes his last rotation as we hear the crowd applaud. The crowd volume is faded out and now all we can hear is Hemp taking deep breaths.

5.

NEW ANGLE - WIDER SHOT The crowd is visibly “going nuts” but all we hear is Hemp’s breathing. Everything has suddenly slowed down. Hemp takes his first step in the run and we hear his cleat hitting the track. A few steps are taken and time has slowed to a crawl. NEW ANGLE - STATIONARY SHOT BEHIND HEMP In full speed now with the noise level deafening, Hemp charges towards the bar, plants his pole in the slot and launches himself skyward. NEW ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR Hemp’s body is completely parallel to the earth below. FREEZE FRAME: CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT - SECTION OF THE CROWD A small Chinese man wearing a bright yellow rain slicker amongst “American” fans pops up out of his seat and snaps a photo. A slow, dramatic flash is seen and heard. CUT TO: PREVIOUS ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR His parallel body snaps back to the bar, just clearing his head on the mat below. Hemp springs elation. He falls to his knees

full speed as Hemp soars over and landing picture perfectly off the mat in absolute and points to the sky.

A SERIES OF SHOTS THE U.S. TRACK TEAM Jumping up and down, embracing, running towards Hemp. SECTION OF THE CROWD Everyone is cheering and screaming. AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV The entire stadium is erupting with energy.

6.

TIME SQUARE - NYC New Yorkers embracing and cheering as they watch a slowmotion replay on the overhead “jumbo-tron”. CUT TO: EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS Hemp begins to celebrate as he gets back to his feet. He is mobbed by his teammates and some spectators who have made it on to the track. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) (throughout the series of shots, screaming) He’s done it, he’s done it!!! Holy Shishkabob Hemp Stevens has done it, he has become the greatest polevaulter in history!!! ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.) (just as loud and excited) The man was simply unconscious out there today ladies and gentleman! With the weight of the world pressed squarely upon his shoulders, Hemp Stevens has reached the peak, the pinnacle, the very paramount of pole-vaulting. ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) A brilliant performance indeed Lloyd! The future shines ever so brightly for this new American icon. What this beloved polevaulting god could possibly do for an encore, I have no idea. ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.) One man, one pole, one legend! ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.) Hemp Stevens, this is your moment! Enjoy it! Hemp is hoisted up by his teammates and draped in an American flag. As Hemp smiles and waves to the adoring crowd, the shot “zooms” into his eye and the screen goes black. FADE TO BLACK.

7.

THE SCREEN READS: HEMP STEVENS INT. BEDROOM - MORNING, PRESENT DAY SLOW MOVING SHOT An unkempt bedroom. A half naked man is asleep. The walls of the bedroom are covered with newspaper clippings, sports magazine covers, trophies, plaques, and medals showcasing all of Hemp’s pole-vaulting accomplishments. One magazine cover reads: “THE NEXT GREAT ONE”. Another magazine cover reads: “GO HEMP GO!!! - AMERICA'S HOPES REST WITH STEVEN’S COMPLETE OLYMPIC POLE - VAULTING PREVIEW INSIDE”. The shot now moves across Hemp’s floor. Another sports magazine near the foot of the bed reads: “BIG POLE, LITTLE MAN - STEVEN’S GOLD MEDAL TARNISHED BY INCREDIBLY SMALL PENIS”. The cover photo is of Hemp when he was parallel to the ground. Up his shorts you can view his genitalia. A magnified close-up of that region is on the lower right corner of the magazine. We can clearly see that Hemp has an abnormally small penis. Other magazines and newspaper clippings are scattered about. Some clippings read: “LETTERMAN CANCELS ON HEMP DUE TO PENIS”, “ARSENIO ‘I JUST CAN’T: HEMP CANCELLED’”. The shot slowly pans up the wall and stops on a pole-vaulting calendar. It is present day 2006. A ray of sunlight filters through the blinds and catches Hemp’s face. He slowly opens his eyes and lethargically rolls out of bed. Sitting upright, we can see the very dark circles under his eyes as well as his extra weight. On his night stand rests a “Big Gulp” soft drink. The cup is “sweating” as moisture beads drip off of it. Hemp grabs the drink and takes a sip of it. He quickly pulls away and wears a disgusted look. HEMP Oh, Oh, that’s terrible. Hemp, realizing his television is still on gazes at it with a most concerned look. CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT - TELEVISION SCREEN A DVD “Menu” featuring an elderly woman smiling is seen. Soft train whistling is heard from the television. The “Menu” reads: “GRANNY TRANNY TRAIN, VOL. 6”. CUT TO:

8.

INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - FAVORING HEMP HEMP That’s horrible. Hemp gingerly stands up and stretches into the air. CAT (V.O.) (muffled through the door) Hemp, let’s go, we’re running late dude. Hemp, mid-stretch collapses his hands to his knees. Looking around his room, he shakes his head at the complete mess that exists. HEMP That’s awful. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM Hemp is standing, staring back at himself in the mirror as the water runs. He is sickly looking. The bathroom is a dirty mess. Outside the window it is dark and rainy. Hemp bends over to wash his face. Suddenly he pops back up clean shaven and dressed in a black tuxedo. The room is immaculate and bright, and outside it is sunny as birds sing. Hemp exits the bathroom and enters a small room. On a shelf, a tiny fish tank sits with a huge black and orange Oscar fish that is as big as the tank. Next to the tank sits an empty five gallon water jug. A sign on it reads: “COPPER’S NEW TANK FUND”. Loose change and a few crumpled bills line the bottom. HEMP What’s up Copper? Who’s hungry? My growing boy is. Hemp feeds the fish. CAT (V.O.) (screaming) You’ve got to come down with that. Hemp finishes up feeding Copper and hurries out the door. CUT TO:

9.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Hemp enters a living-room. CAT, a dark haired, tall and thin, blue eyed Irish-American man who loves to gamble, is sitting on one coach. FELLA, a suave, good looking man, who can be brutally honest at times and OWEN FITZMAURICE, a scraggly, short, stocky male are sitting on another couch. The three are in tuxedos gathered around the TV watching a computer simulated game of “John Madden Football” on “Playstation”. HEMP Who’s playing? OWEN Nobody, computer vs. computer. Owen points to the Playstation system with the controllers wrapped up. HEMP (excited) Oh yeah? Nice! Hopping onto the couch next to Cat. HEMP What’s the spread? OWEN Raiders giving one and a half. HEMP (looking at Cat) Cat? CAT (money in his hand) Oh I am involved. Hemp looks at Fella. FELLA (holding up his money) Come on guy. Owen grabs Fella’s hand and uses it like a microphone.

10.

OWEN (announcing) Raiders 33, Seahawks 31, two seconds left and Seattle is lining up for what would be the game wining field goal. Here’s the snap, the hold the kick is up, it’s good! It’s good. Seahawks win 34 33. Cat jumps up screaming and pointing at Fella. He shuffles over to Fella snatching the hundred dollar bill he was holding. Disgruntled, Fella gets up off the couch. As he begins to exit, Owen once again grabs his arm. OWEN (screaming) RED FLAG! RED FLAG! THERE IS A CHALLENGE! Fella sits back down as Cat looks on in disbelief. CAT Challenge? Challenge what? The ball went right through the up rights! You can’t do that! Can they do that?... Illegal spikes on cleats?!? Field goal denied?!? PLAYSTATION GAME ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (in a robotic tone) Game over. Fella springs up off the couch snatching both hundred dollar bills from each of Cat’s hands. Cat stares ahead without making a noise. FELLA (taunting Cat) Go fuck yourself douche-bag. Fella walks out of the room as Cat slumps into the couch. CAT That is unbelievable. OWEN Tough loss, twice in a week, ooof. Owen grabs the remote and a bowl of chips and switches from “Playstaion” to regular TV.

11.

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tonight only on V, the WNBA’s fifty greatest lay ups. That’s only on V, the Vagina Network, all vagina all the time. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER Fella and Owen are sitting on the couch watching TV smoking a joint, drinking Corona’s with orange juice. A young man wearing a T-shirt and jeans enters through the front door. YOUNG MAN Hey what’s up? FELLA How are you? YOUNG MAN Better now that I see you. How’s my favorite drug dealer doing today? OWEN (exhaling from the joint) Woah, woah, woah, hold it right there my young friend. No one here is dealing anything I can assure you! My good pal here is simply providing a service to the community. YOUNG MAN (sarcastically) OK, Mr. Community provider. FELLA (to Owen) It’s OK pal, hand me the sack of joy will ya? Owen hands Fella a back pack as he shoots the young man a dirty look. Fella pulls out a large sac of weed. YOUNG MAN (amazed) Wow! You guys smoke a lot.

12.

FELLA A joint a day keeps the psychiatrist away my friend. Taking a hit from the joint. bag and hands it to him.

He makes the young man a small

YOUNG MAN You must be coming up on 1000 pounds soon right Fella? FELLA So they tell me. YOUNG MAN That would put you in the hall no? OWEN (agitated) Easily my friend... Easily. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE - LATER FRANK BUQUICCHIO, a 5’9”, medium framed, Italian-American man with glasses whom speaks quickly is exiting a limousine. He is in a black tuxedo holding a bottle of champagne, a box of cigars, and a large metal film reel casing. Frank heads up the stairs entering the house with a spring in his step. FADE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Frank comes through the front door smiling. Fella, Cat, Owen, and Hemp are all on the couch drinking Corona’s. FRANK (excited) Today is the day boys! the day! EVERYONE (in unison) FRAAAAAANK! OWEN Hello Frank.

Today is

13.

Everyone gets up off of the couch to greet Frank. They hug as Frank opens the box of cigars clearly marked “Dutch Masters”. FRANK (excited) Get a good one. boys.

Get a good one

OWEN Cubans?... Nice touch Frank. Frank begins to hand out glasses and pour the champagne.

FELLA (presenting a joint) And ya know what goes nice with the bubbly? OWEN (happily surprised) Oh yeah?!? A car horn sounds from outside.

Frank raises his glass.

FRANK (a bit choked up) Let me just say thank you... to all you boys for helping me make my vision into a reality. I couldn’t have done it without you guys... I Forgot the Fish. HEMP (raising his glass) To Frank. EVERYONE (raising their glasses) FRAAAANK. They all down their drinks, and Frank looks down at his wrist bearing no watch. FRANK Time to go boys and girls. CUT TO:

14.

INT. LIMOSUINE - MOMENTS LATER The group is sitting in a semi-circle manner in the limousine. The joint is significantly shorter, but is still being passed around. HEMP (passing the joint) So after we dominate these awards the offers should be flying in. OWEN Oh yeah, with the clout and prestige that these awards carry, one can only expect a six, seven picture deal coming our way. FRANK (nodding in agreement) I would think so. CUT TO: INT. LIMOSUINE - CONTINUOUS CAT (visibly flustered) So if I take the new job, then she becomes my boss. FELLA That can’t be good for anyone involved. CAT Exactly, and if I don’t I’m stuck in that stupid suit all summer. OWEN Ahh, the ole catch 33. CAT Don’t you mean catch 22? OWEN Yeah, it’s like that, but twice as worse. FELLA Wouldn’t that make it a catch 44?

15.

OWEN (shaking his head) C’mon guy, things aren’t that bad. Fella shakes his head and dismisses the conversation. CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY The limousine pulls up to a curb in front of a college campus. Few students are walking around the green lawns. CUT TO: INT. LIMOSUINE - CONTINUOUS FRANK (addressing everyone) We’re here boys, we are here. OWEN (very seriously) We have arrived. CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - CONTINUOUS The group exits the limo expecting a hero’s welcome. Frank leads them out pumping his fist into the air. Few people stroll by paying no attention to the group. However, two dorks standing off in the background are wearing T-shirts that read: “I FORGOT THE FISH”. One is taking pictures while the other is holding out a signature book. Frank leads the group towards the school. Owen spots an attractive young female student walking his way wearing a back pack and intently looking down at her paper. Owen steps directly in her path startling her as Owen looks her up and down. He grabs the paper roughly out of the girl’s hand. She is scared, standing there motionless staring up at Owen. OWEN (confidently) Autograph?... Why not? Who should I make this out to sweetheart? Owen takes a pen out from his pocket.

16.

GIRL. (scared and concerned) Who are you? CUT TO: INSERT - COVER OF GIRL’S TERM PAPER The cover reads: “SENIOR THESIS - THE INTEGRATION OF THE INDIGENOUS SEA TURTLE INTO MODERN SOCIETY - BY STEPHANIE WILBERMARSHALL”. Below the title is a photograph of a real sea turtle wearing a neck-tie crawling into a New York City cab with a brief case next to one of it’s flippers. Owen begins to sign his name all over the paper making over exaggerated swoops and loops. OWEN (pausing) It’s Stephanie right? Owen quickly finishes his autograph, and begins to hand it back to her. She looks up in disbelief and reaches for the paper. OWEN Here you go darling. Just as she is about to touch the paper Owen roughly pulls it back and looks at it. She is frozen with shock. OWEN Is that Stephanie with a “PH”? sorry, I spelled it with two “F’s”, my bad.

I’m

Owen shaking his head rips off the top sheet and crumples it up. He begins to sign the next sheet as the pen begins to leak ink and explode all over her paper. His hands get covered in ink and he begins to use the pages like paper towels. Finally he hands it back to her, it is a complete mess, full of crumpled pages and dripping ink. OWEN (winking at her) I will see you later. GIRL. (running away, crying) You’ve ruined my life! Owen turns back towards the group very confidently. walks over and puts his arm around Owen.

Cat

17.

CAT Seriously dude, it’s all about the fans. Owen nods in agreement as they walk towards the building. They are a few strides behind the rest of the group. The two dorks approach Owen and Cat. DORK 1 (excited) Autograph?!? DORK 2 (excited) Oh please, oh please, oh please!!! CAT (condescendingly) No time. They walk right past the two dorks without hesitation, who are immediately dejected. OWEN Being famous is hard. Cat nods in agreement. OWEN (smug) Best if we get used to it now. CUT TO: EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING - FAVORING THE ENTRANCE WAY The group enters the brick building. There is a long plastic sign hanging above the double doors which reads: “WELCOME TO THE 3RD ANNUAL CLINTON COMMUNITY COLLEGE SHORT FILM FESTIVAL”. Above that, an old theatre marquee reads: “ALL NEXT WEEK - WHAM TRIBUTE BAND - BATHHOUSE!”. CUT TO: INT. ENTRANCE AREA TO BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Frank leads the group into the reception area where casually dressed students and faculty are seen making small talk. There is a make shift bar over to the side and a small buffet towards the back wall.

18.

FRANK (excited, to the group) I’ll go and find out where we’re sitting. Frank walks off. CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT - OWEN’S FACE Owen is standing there mesmerized by the buffet. He begins to wander in its’ direction as if he were in a trance. OWEN (slowly, softly) Buffet... CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER Fella and Cat are standing in front of the bar which is tended to by a young male bartender. FELLA Yeah, ah, how you doin? BARTENDER Very good sir. What can I get for you? FELLA We’ll have two Corona’s with OJ. BARTENDER (grimacing a bit) Sorry sir, but we can’t serve alcohol, there are minors here. FELLA I’m 31 years old guy. BARTENDER I’m sure you are sir. FELLA You don’t have any beers? BARTENDER Oh no sir, beer has alcohol.

19.

FELLA (frustrated) Yeah I’m aware of what’s in a beer guy. BARTENDER I’m sure you are sir. Fella shakes his head in disgust and walks away from the bar area leaving Cat staring at the bartender in anger/disbelief. CUT TO: INT. ENTRANCE AREA OF SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Hemp and Fella are discussing the scene as Frank walks over to them. HEMP So where are our seats? FRANK (looking down, under his breath.) Just sit wherever you want. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - NEAR THE BUFFET - MOMENTS LATER Owen is at the buffet filling his plate as his face and demeanor exude satisfaction. An overweight woman walks over to his side. He notices her peripherally, and raises his head slowly turning towards her. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN Hi. OWEN (smiling) Well hello. Owen continues piling food on his plate as the woman begins to moan slightly while licking her lips. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN You certainly seem to know your way around a buffet.

20.

OWEN You don’t seem too out of place yourself. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN (giggling) Thank you. She gently holds up her plate as Owen begins to pile steaming hot food onto it. They both smile as Owen grabs two forks and holds them up in a “V” shape. OWEN (confidently) Your with me. The woman fans herself as they walk arm in arm towards an unoccupied table. CUT TO: INT. ENTRANCE AREA OF BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Hemp is alone observing various display tables set up by local sponsors of the event. He starts walking towards the back, his eyes fixated on a young woman standing not facing Hemp. This is ATLANTIS MILLEN. Her hair is blonde, pulled back, and she’s wearing a lab coat. She turns towards Hemp as she adjusts her glasses. She is both intelligent and beautiful looking. As Hemp approaches, he can see her display table is for the local aquarium. Hemp and the woman make eye contact and she seems to recognize him. Still walking towards her, he bumps into a little kid around six years of age, spilling juice onto the kid’s shirt. HEMP (kneeling down to kid) Sorry little man. The kid walks away as Hemp stands back up. LITTLE KID (V.O.) Asshole. Hemp looks back over his shoulder not quite sure what he just heard. He turns back around, smiles and walks over to the pretty woman. She is handing out pamphlets and thanking people. She turns to Hemp. Hemp?

ATLANTIS Hemp Stevens, is that you?

21.

HEMP (hesitant) Yeah! Yeah it’s me... but Who?... Yeah, It’s me all right. ATLANTIS It’s me Atlantis... Atlantis Millen. We graduated high school together. HEMP (pretending) Oh... Yeah... Alanis Milton... Sure. ATLANTIS You don’t remember me do you? HEMP (he ponders deeply) I’m sorry, I don’t. ATLANTIS Well I sure remember you. HEMP (looking down ashamed) Oh. ATLANTIS Hemp Stevens, captain of the polevaulting team. The Black Falcon himself. Everyone remembers you. HEMP Yeah... Thanks for the reminder. ATLANTIS So what ever happened to you after high school? HEMP (with an attitude) Like you don’t know. ATLANTIS Well, I’ve spent the last eleven years in Antarctica. HEMP Antarctica?

22.

ATLANTIS (proudly) I know, but I love my work and where else would you go to study the majestic POLARGATOR? Atlantis holds up a framed 8x10 photo of a large albino gator with furry paws. In the photo the Polargator is mauling a local Eskimo. Atlantis looks down at the photo and sighs. ATLANTIS You wouldn’t believe how wide his jaw can open. HEMP (raising his eyebrows) That, that is really something. Hemp is attempting to keep up the conversation but he is distracted by the photo, he takes a double/triple look at the picture while he is trying to talk to her. Atlantis just smiles back at him. HEMP So you really don’t know what happened with me? ATLANTIS No. HEMP Well, I’m doing OK. ATLANTIS I’m sure your doing better than OK. They stare at each other, there is a long silent pause. HEMP So you’re here for the short film festival? What are you guys doing a documentary on the Polarguy? ATLANTIS Gator. HEMP Gator... sure, right. a Polargator film?

So you made

23.

ATLANTIS No, but thanks. I’m here because the film festival helps to raise money towards his research. Atlantis holds up a different picture of the Polargator mauling another Eskimo. Hemp has a horrified look on his face while Atlantis just gazes at the photo and smiles. HEMP (encouragingly) Yeah, but he’s got fur right? ATLANTIS (looking up at Hemp) Yeah he’s got fur. Look at him, he is a beautiful creature of God. Atlantis looks down saddened. ATLANTIS It’s just so damn expensive to feed him. HEMP Sure I would think that Eskimos don’t come cheap. ATLANTIS (laughing, flirting) Your so funny Hemp. He’s just playing in these pictures. You could play with him if you want to, he could use some new friends. HEMP I’m sure he could... How long are you gonna be here, because my friend made a movie?... it’s about a fish... it’s really great, you’d love it. Really!

ATLANTIS I’m here all day. CUT TO:

INT. MOVING SHOT FOLLOWING A MAN - CONTINUOUS A tall, fit man in his late thirties is walking towards Hemp and Atlantis. He also sports a lab coat and has light brown curly hair and dark, deep eyes.

24. He is curtly marking paper work on a clip board as he reaches them. He sizes up Hemp with his eyes. DOCTOR HOLLAND (a sophisticated tone) Atlantis darling, they need you back stage, the event is starting. He looks back at Hemp. DOCTOR HOLLAND I do not believe we have been formally introduced. ATLANTIS Oh I’m sorry, Hemp Stevens this is Sebast... DOCTOR HOLLAND (cutting her off) DOCTOR... HOLLAND. HEMP Your parents named you Doctor? ATLANTIS (holding back laughter) I work with Dr. Holland, and I went to high school with Hemp. DOCTOR HOLLAND (slowly inquiring) Hemp Stevens?... Where do I know that name from? HEMP (nervously fast) Well I should be going too, and they need you back stage. Nice to see you again Atlantis, and very nice to meet you Doctor. Hemp begins to walk away. ATLANTIS Listen, you should stop up at the aquarium some time... You know, to meet the Polargator. HEMP Oh sure... I’d love to. Holland gives Hemp a dirty look and turns to Atlantis.

25.

DOCTOR HOLLAND Atlantis dear, they need you now. Holland turns Atlantis and himself away from Hemp. back over her shoulder and waves.

She looks

ATLANTIS Bye Hemp. Hemp smiles and waves back slowly. CUT TO: INT. ENTRANCE AREA TO SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER Cat, Fella, and Owen are standing around in an open area. FELLA How do you have a film festival and not serve beers? CAT (shaking his head) Unbelievable, the ole catch 33. Hemp walks over smiling. HEMP Do you guys know where there is an aquarium around here? OWEN Why? Are we going to get a new fish?... That’s not right you know, I like Copper. FELLA Yeah guy, you can’t get rid of Copper. CAT Did you know that they don’t serve beers? HEMP (shaking his head between the three of them.) What?... No!.., And why would I get rid of Copper?

26.

FELLA I don’t know, suddenly you need to go to the aquarium. HEMP Yeah, do you know where it is? OWEN (chewing food) Where what is? HEMP (frustrated) The aquarium! FELLA Why would I go there? CAT If I wanted to watch a fish swim I would go in the back room and hang out with Copper. OWEN (putting his arm around Fella) Yeah, we like Copper. Fella and Cat silently shakes their heads at Hemp in disgust, as Frank walks over to the group. FRANK OK boys, we’d better be headed in. Frank turns to walk in. HEMP Frank? FRANK (spinning back around) Yes have some. HEMP Do you know where the aquarium is? FRANK I sure do. HEMP See, Frank knows everything.

27.

FELLA I didn’t say I didn’t know where it was guy. The group turns and walks towards their seats. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - MOMENTS LATER The auditorium is half full as Frank leads the group to their seats in the front row. There is tapping on the microphone. CUT TO: SHOT FROM THE FIRST ROW LOOKING UP AT THE PODIUM. ATLANTIS (into the microphone) Excuse me... Excuse me... I’d like to thank all of you for coming out here today. By doing so you are all making a difference and helping the cause... Polargator research. A large film screen drops down behind her on stage as the lights dim. Music plays softly in the back ground as the screen goes black, then begins to play a film. CUT TO: SHOT FAVORING THE GIANT SCREEN. On the screen it reads: “ORPHAN OF NATURE - THE POLARGATOR STORY”. ATLANTIS (narrating along) They call him the orphan of nature. While Atlantis is speaking there are different still slide shots of the Polargator mauling Eskimos. ATLANTIS He is an extremely rare and beautiful creature. In fact he is one of a kind. It is our firm belief that there are more Polargators like him out there. (MORE)

28.

ATLANTIS(cont'd) Your continued support has helped us to make great strides towards reaching our goal. Without your help we would never be able to find out who he is and, more importantly... well... you can see his dilemma. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - FAVORING THE FILM SCREEN - CONTINUOUS The last slide is a picture of Atlantis and the Polargator arm and arm smiling. ATLANTIS (teary eyed) So please, give all you can, so little can do so much. The big screen fades to black as the overhead lights come on. ATLANTIS (composing herself) Now, the reason we are all gathered here today. It’s the third annual Clinton Community College short film festival and awards ceremony... So without any further adieu, it is my great honor to introduce to you tonight’s master of ceremonies and the head of the short film department... DOCTOR STEPHANDU DUPRIMA! A tan, short man wearing a red beret and sports coat glides across the stage over to the podium. DOCTOR DUPRIMA (slow, deliberate tone) Hello all, and welcome to the third annual Clinton Community College short film festival. We have some fine young aspiring artists gathered here today. These films you are about to view could launch the careers of the next great film makers of your generation. So let us dive right into the action, shall we? The house lights dim as the first movie begins.

29.

DOCTOR DUPRIMA ... Our first short film is entitled, “Appetite For Destruction - the Dangerous Life of the Daisy Farmer”, By Jason Holgerson. INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER SERIES OF ANGLES OF THE AUDIENCE AS DIFFERENT MOVIES ARE PLAYING ON THE BIG SCREEN WITH MUSIC OVER THE SHOTS. The audience is seriously disinterested in what is going on. The light from the screen is reflecting off of their faces as they are talking amongst themselves, sleeping, drooling, slouching in their chairs and generally not paying attention. Except for Frank, who is sitting on the edge of his seat in the front row taking in every moment of every movie. INT. AUDITORIUM FAVORING THE GIANT SCREEN There are different clips from various films shown on the big screen as time elapses and the audience grows more and more disinterested. They include: A porqupine exploding, adjoined human twins riding a two person bike, an ape breast feeding, an agonizingly slow chess move, and the last clip ends with a man tightening a noose around his neck in a room filled with jars, the big screen fades to black and the house lights return to normal. INT. AUDITORIUM FAVORING THE PODIUM - CONTINUOUS DOCTOR DUPRIMA And that last piece was, “Bitter Sweet Jars of Formaldehyde”, by Jamie Oppedisano. There is a meek applause from the crowd. DOCTOR DUPRIMA Which brings us to our last film of the evening. It is a silent saga entitled: “I Forgot the Fish”, by Frank Buquicchio. Frank, Owen, Fella, Cat, and Hemp are all visibly excited, grabbing at one another, and then suddenly shushing each other as the picture begins. CUT TO:

30.

INSERT MOVIE SCREEN The film begins to roll. No sound is heard except for the ticking of the film reel. Big white letters appear on screen which reads: “I FORGOT THE FISH”. It stays for a few seconds, then the screen reads: “WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY FRANK BUQUICCHIO”. It stays for a few seconds, and then the words: “STARING H. STEVENS, FELLA, CAT, and O. FITZMAURICE. It then fades to black. FADE IN: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - AFTERNOON An old wooden table is in the foreground. Counter tops are behind the table. Meats and chickens hang from the ceiling, and there is a large cross on the wall. A large burly woman with her front angled away from the shot is rolling out some dough. She is dressed poorly and is wearing a bandana styled head wrap. Powder is flying into the air as she pounds the dough. Words appear at the bottom of the screen that read: “RUSSIA 1912”. A classical violin begins to play. A peasant man walks in and sits down at the table. The woman turns around and places a plate of food in front of him roughly. Her lips are moving as she is speaking to him. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS It reads: “YOU DRINK TOO MUCH.” CUT TO: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The man is trying to enjoy his meal, shaking his head and pointing at her with his fork as his lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS It reads: “YOU EAT TOO MUCH... I DRINK TO MAKE YOU SKINNY.” CUT TO:

31.

INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The man finishes his food quickly and leaves the plate and fork. He puts on a coat and hat, and kisses his wife, his lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS It reads: “WELL, I’M OFF TO THE MARKET.” CUT TO: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The wife spins around with the roller and begins to shake it at him as her lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “MINDFUL OF OUR MONEY, AND DON’T FORGET THE FISH.” CUT TO: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The man pointing at the plate on the table, as his lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “YOUR EGGS TASTE LIKE FISH!!!” CUT TO: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The woman sternly looks at him, the man waves his hands at her, his lips move. CUT TO:

32.

BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “FINE... FINE... I WILL BUY SOME FISH.” CUT TO: EXT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY The man exits his home and turns the corner. It is a cold, bright day. He is rubbing his hands together while walking. You can see his breath as his eyes squint from the sunlight. He turns another corner and enters a market place. It is a busy area with many vendors and patrons. There are fresh fruit stands, live animals, etc. (The violin music is more upbeat and hopeful.) He passes many vendors, then there is just a wooden fence with a single piece of paper nailed to it. The man stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns his head to view the piece of paper. MAN’S POV AS HE READS PAPER. He walks towards the fence and reads the nailed up paper, it reads: “LOST KITTEN”. There is a drawing of the kitten and below that, it reads: “HER NAME IS RUBY”. SERIES OF CLOSE SHOTS OF THE MAN’S FACE AND EYES He begins to well up and a tear drops from his left eye. Simultaneously, the sound of a bomb being dropped is heard. A moving view of the tear dropping in slow motion to the ground follows. Upon impact a huge explosion is heard as the screen shakes. OTHER IMAGES ARE FADED INTO THE MOVIE: Footage of an atomic bomb exploding, a picture of a lion mauling a gazelle, followed by a Buddhist man setting himself ablaze, then lava flowing into a small village, and finally: “Mookie Wilson’s ground ball going through the legs of Bill Buckner, from the 1986 World Series”. All other images fade, leaving the man’s saddened face. His lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “CRUEL FATE”. CUT TO:

33.

EXT. MARKET PLACE - CONTINUOUS VIEW FROM BEHIND THE MAN. He slowly vendor to is played overall. man. The

plods along through the market place. He passes a his left who has a cart full of fish. The vendor by Cat. He is wearing a fisherman’s rubber He is holding out a giant tuna as he smiles at the man shakes his head repeatedly and moves his lips. CUT TO:

BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “NO, NO... I COULDN’T... IT’S TOO SOON.” CUT TO: EXT. MARKET PLACE - MOMENTS LATER The man turns the corner. joy.

Suddenly, his face lights up with CUT TO:

INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - LATER The man bursts through the doorway. The wife turns around and points at him with the roller, her lips move. CUT TO: BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “WHERE IS THE FISH!?!” CUT TO: INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The man’s looks changes from joy to shock as the music changes as well. He is holding a tiny kitten. He clearly mouths the words: “I forgot the fish”. CUT TO:

34.

BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS Screen reads: “FIN” CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - THE FRONT ROW Frank, Hemp, Owen, Fella, and Cat jump out of their seats in celebration. They are high-fiving one another and cheering very loudly. Owen and Cat hoist Frank up onto their shoulders as Frank pumps his fists into the air. FREEZE FRAME: INT. BAR - A CORNER BOOTH - LATER OWEN (yelling) Bullshit!! We were robbed!!! The group is at a booth looking down and out. Frank’s head is on the table with a half empty bottle of whiskey and the film reel next to him. FRANK (with a muffled voice) Three years... three years of my life... gone. CAT (patting Frank’s shoulder) It’s just not fair Frank, it’s just not right. HEMP But there were seventy-one awards handed out... and we didn’t win any. FELLA Yeah... and there were only eight films. Frank looks at the film reel, shakes his head and throws it over his shoulder.

35.

INT. BAR - VIEW FROM BEHIND OWEN - CONTINUOUS Owen swings out of the booth and stands up with a determined look upon his face. The group looks up at Owen with their heads slightly cocked waiting for him to speak. OWEN (pointing) OK, listen up sap-asses. You can sit around here being pathetic all night, feeling sorry for yourselves, feeling sorry we didn’t take home any awards... CUT TO: INT. BAR - FAVORING OWEN’S FACE - CONTINUOUS OWEN But for what it’s worth. I think it was the greatest two and one half minutes ever captured on film, and I for one am damn proud to have been a part of it... Now, I’m going out there, and I’m gonna find me the biggest, the hairiest, the sweatiest woman in this establishment, and I’m gonna make her happy, and by golly she’s gonna make me happy... Now I highly recommend that you gentlemen do the same. Owen does a shot and slams it down. He wipes his mouth roughly, then exits the area with his head held high. As he exits, a giant TV screen which he was blocking can now be seen. The group straightens out their heads. The football game on the TV screen goes to commercial, Hemp turns to address Frank. HEMP (patting Frank’s shoulder) It’s just not right Frank... not right. CUT TO:

36.

INT. BAR - DANCE FLOOR - LATER Owen is dancing like an over active child on a very crowded dance floor. He spots an overweight woman dancing off to his side. He shuffles over to her smoothly, smiling as he approaches her confidently. She smiles back, giggles, as they start dirty dancing together. OVERWEIGHT WOMAN’S POV - CONTINUOUS Owen and the woman are dancing and sweating profusely. OWEN (confidently, flirting) I see you like to super-size your value meals... As do I. She giggles as he grabs her roughly.

They kiss passionately. CUT TO:

INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - MOMENTS LATER Cat is leaning up against the bar talking to an attractive young woman. Hemp is behind Cat playing a “touch screen” video game at the bar. CAT So as you can see, that horse should never have lost that race. WOMAN (upset) Gambling?!? My parents got divorced because of my father’s gambling problem! Cat’s face offers sympathy as he puts his arm onto her shoulder. CAT (softly) And you’ve never forgiven your mother have you? WOMAN (angry, almost crying) What?!? I hate gambling!!!

37.

Cat just stares back at her with an extremely confused look on his face. There is a long pause as she throws his arm off of her. HOT CHICK (angry, yelling) I HATE GAMBLING!!! Hemp, hearing what she just said, picks his head up away from the video game. Cat is still staring back at her with confusion until suddenly his face turns to shock, disbelief, and anger. Hemp quickly steps in between the two as Cat points between himself and the girl. CAT (angry) We are not involved!!! involved!!!

We are not

The girl turns away while Hemp wears an apologetic look. He spins Cat around in front of the “touch screen” video game. HEMP (in a soothing tone) Come on dude... It’s OK, there you go... there ya go. Cat completes one hand of video poker, then turns to Hemp. CAT (nervously shaking) She shouldn’t have said that... You don’t say those things. CUT TO: INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - LATER Cat, Fella, Frank, and Hemp are leaning against the bar still drinking. In the distance, a bellowing voice resonates, which they all recognize. CUT TO: INT. BAR - DANCE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Owen is walking through the now sparse crowd as a different overweight woman follows him arm in arm.

38.

OWEN (screaming) MAKE WAY!!! MAKE WAY!!! FELLA (turning in disgust) Ahhh Christ. Owen arrives at the bar with the woman. OWEN Janice, I’d like for you to meet the boys. Janice giggles as Cat turns to the bartender making a “1” sign with his hand as he nods. Cat’s hand reaches off screen as the bartender hands him something. His hand comes back on screen holding an oversized hotdog steaming with chili, cheese, and all the toppings. Cat lifts the hotdog right up to her face as toppings drip to the floor. CAT Here you go darlin. JANICE (backing away) Oh... Oh no thanks, but I don’t eat meat... I’m a vegetarian. FELLA (condescendingly) Well what the fuck do you eat... cars? Janice giggles. Owen and her shrug their shoulders, stare at one another, and make out as everyone turns away grimacing. FADE OUT. INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - LATER Frank is standing against the bar drinking and looking depressed as Hemp comes over. Hemp is visibly drunk. HEMP (hugging Frank) Fraaaank!!! Did you make out yet? FRANK You know, I thought I did before... But it turned out to be gas.

39.

HEMP These things happen Frank. Owen and Janice dance slowly in the foreground. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: EXT. A SANDY BEACH - DAY Hemp is on a beautiful beach all by himself. There is a Jamaican reggae band in the back ground. Hemp is resting comfortably under a palm tree sipping an exotic drink from a coconut. It is perfectly serene as the waves are heard breaking onto the beach. Next to Hemp is a red bong. He takes a hit and exhales slowly, enjoyably. In the back ground we can see the sun and moon set and rise as time elapses, over and over again. A topless woman seductively walks over and replaces his old drink with a fresh one. Fella comes by with his “Sack of Joy” and drops off a big bag of weed as they smile at one another. Owen runs by on the beach arm and arm with an overweight woman, winking at Hemp, she giggles as they pass. Frank strolls by in a tuxedo holding an “Oscar” award. He stops and points at Hemp as Hemp raises his drink to him. Next floating in the water is a giant Polargator float. Cat is driving the float as he nods at Hemp with approval. Atlantis is on the top of the float. She is “Queen of the Parade”, wearing a tiara and a sash. She turns and blows kisses to Hemp. He smiles ear to ear and takes another bong hit. After exhaling, Hemp is suddenly floating in the ocean as clouds begin to roll in. He looks down and see’s a black man’s head bobbing in the water. BLACK MAN’S HEAD You’ve got to go up. Get up dammit! Your a Stevens, get up! As quickly as the head appeared it is now gone. The waves become huge as shark fins appear and begin circling around his body. Terrified, Hemp begins to scream for help as the sharks get closer and closer. Then, a shark opens wide and bites down onto Hemp. HEMP (screaming) NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! CUT TO:

40.

INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - MORNING Hemp is passed out face first in his bed still wearing his clothes from the evening before. The alarm clock reads: “7:02 AM”. A voice of an elderly woman is heard over his answering machine. GRANDMOTHER (V.O.) (screaming on the answering machine) Where The Hell Are You?!?! You said you’d be here by seven to mow the lawn!!! You never keep your word!!! Now your grandfather is out there doing it!!! Hemp reaches up and grabs the phone. HEMP (half asleep) Alright, I’m on my way. CUT TO: EXT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - DAY OVERHEAD VIEW In the middle of a badly overgrown lawn stands a frail old man, Hemp’s GRANDFATHER. He is wearing gray pants with suspenders dangling down, a white “wife beater”, and a hat which reads: “B.I.G.S.A.C.”. He is holding a red lawn mower which is churning up earth back at him as the wheels spin without the mower going anywhere. His arms, and body are violently shaking while he tries to hold on to the mower. Hemp’s car pulls into the driveway. He exits his car and walks over to his grandfather. Hemp’s grandfather releases the mower as Hemp nears him. The engine stops running and he quickly smacks Hemp on top of his head, knocking Hemp’s hat to the ground. He gives Hemp a dirty look and turns away, walking into the house. Hemp collects his hat, straps on ear phones and restarts the mower as he begins to mow the lawn. CUT TO:

41.

INT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - LATER Hemp enters the house and walks down a picture covered hallway. His shirt is soaked with sweat. Hemp can hear his grandparents arguing in the kitchen. GRANDMOTHER (V.O.) (arguing) Oh... I see... And you know everything there is to know about everyone? GRANDFATHER (V.O.) Well don’t I? GRANDMOTHER (V.O.) You are so ridiculous with the things you say! Hemp enters the antiquated kitchen. HEMP’S GRANDMOTHER is standing in front of the stove cooking. She is a tiny woman with gray hair, but she is very energetic. Hemp walks over and gives her a kiss on the head. He then sits at the kitchen table across from his grandfather who gives him another dirty look as he sits. GRANDFATHER I’m telling you Sophie, it doesn't cost them four dollars and ninetyfive cents for shipping and handling. You don’t think that they make money off of shipping and handling? GRANDMOTHER No I don’t! GRANDFATHER Well then, your a naive fool. Hemp’s grandmother waves her hand in disgust in the grandfather’s direction as she places a giant plate of spaghetti in front of Hemp. He picks up his fork and begins to eat. GRANDMOTHER (proudly) How’s that sauce? Hemp, with a mouth full of pasta picks his head up and gives his grandmother the thumbs up sign.

42.

GRANDFATHER (proudly) That’s your great-grandfather’s secret famous sauce. Hemp choking, quickly grabs for a glass of water and forces the food down. GRANDMOTHER (disgusted) You eat like a pig. HEMP (finishing his swallow) What?!? I didn’t know he could cook?? GRANDFATHER (saddened) Sure, he could do lots of things... (turns head away) ... before... HEMP (concerned) Before what? The grandparents look at one another. What?!?

HEMP Before what?!?

GRANDMOTHER He’s old enough to know. HEMP Know what?!! GRANDFATHER I’ll show you what. Hemp’s grandfather grabs a stack of old photos out of a nearby cigar box. He slides them over Hemp’s way. GRANDFATHER Personally, I don’t think that there is any hope left for you... However, your grandmother seems to think that miracles can still happen.

43.

GRANDMOTHER Look at the photos... Look! Look!

GRANDFATHER (pointing to a photo) Do you know who this is? CUT TO: INSERT PHOTO It is a picture of an infant about to suckle onto an old, wrinkled nipple and breast. GRANDFATHER (V.O.) This is your great-great grandmother, and your greatgrandfather... Hempshel Stevens the first. CUT TO: INT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS CLOSE SHOT OF GRANDFATHER’S FACE He pauses, looks at Hemp, sighs and thinks to himself. GRANDFATHER You know in a lot of ways... your nothing like him. The man was a war hero, shot during what would become his final mission. A true Stevens! CUT TO: INSERT PHOTO A black and white photo of a young Hempshel, laying on his stomach in a hospital bed eating ice cream. His ass is exposed and overly swollen.

44.

GRANDFATHER (V.O.) (sad) As for your great-grandfather, the Allied victory came at a dear, dear price. With the German bullet lodged in an inoperable portion of his glutoid, it would only be a matter of time... before gangrene would set in. CUT TO: GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS GRANDMOTHER (chocked up) It ate him... It ate him all up. CUT TO: Hemp quickly thumbs through photographs wearing a horrified look. GRANDFATHER (V.O.) With the methodical speed, that only gangrene possesses, your greatgrandfather didn’t stand a chance. Back in the states, with the little time he had left your great-grand pappy led an extremely productive life. But, finally it became so bad that he was transferred to the special gangrene unit in Italy, which is where he perfected his famous secret sauce. GRANDMOTHER (yelling) And he was just a head! CUT TO: INSERT PHOTO - CONTINUOUS A close-up photo of a black man’s head smiling. CUT TO:

45.

GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

HEMP Yeeeeaaahhhh... but, why was he black? GRANDFATHER They were experimenting with tar back then to stop the spread of gangrene... So, he died a black man. HEMP Oh... GRANDFATHER (grabbing the photos) That’s your great-grandfather’s story. GRANDMOTHER And you know what your grandfather did for your family name? HEMP What, you worked on bridges, right? GRANDFATHER (shaking his head) Bridges huh? You are looking at the cofounder and safety chairman of the single most important organization to ever grace these United States. I helped create “BIGSAC”. The BRIDGE INTERSTATE and GUILDERS SAFETY AWARENESS COUNCIL. We were solely responsible for saving thousands of lives, and our efforts can still be seen today... Hemp stares at his grandfather. GRANDFATHER You mean to tell me that all those times you sat on my lap as a teenager, you remember nothing about my “BIGSAC”? Hemp stares silently.

46.

GRANDFATHER Can you see now why we dislike you so much? GRANDMOTHER It’s nothing personal. GRANDFATHER Enough about what I did, as for your father... He.. HEMP (cutting him off) I know, I know, the vacuum thing... GRANDMOTHER (irritated) The vacuum thing? The vacuum thing? You call what he accomplished the vacuum thing? Your too young to remember what life was like before the vacuum thing. GRANDFATHER Well how could he, he’s an imbecile. The point is that your father... Hemp’s grandmother walks over and places an enormous ice cream sundae in front of Hemp. He immediately begins shoveling the food into his mouth covering his face in chocolate syrup. Hemp looks up at his disgusted grandfather who just shakes his head at him. CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Frank & Owen are diligently watching a TV program as Fella meanders into the room. TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tonight only on V. See the Fabulous Murtha defend her superheavyweight title. Tune in to see if Murtha can strap on “The Velvet Contraction” to yet another helpless victim. FELLA What are you watching this for?

47.

Owen and Frank look slowly and seriously at Fella. FRANK & OWEN Preparation. Fella shakes his head in disgust and exits the room. CUT TO: INT. GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Hemp’s grandmother puts a VHS into a nearby TV/VCR. GRANDFATHER Sophie would ya press play, no, no, the other button... This is your father’s legacy. INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS Theme music is played and on the screen it reads: “THE STEVENS SUCKER WITH GEOFF ULFSENSON”. The host of the show appears on the screen. He is a young, good looking TV infomercial host. GEOFF Hello, and welcome to the Stevens Sucker. I’m your host Geoff Ulfsenson. Today, we will be exploring one of the world’s greatest innovations in domestic safety... The Stevens Sucker. CUT TO: INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS A young attractive woman is topless but wearing a long skirt. She is vacuuming around a couch in a living room set when she falls down hard grasping at her left leg. Other women are vacuuming in a variety of difficult areas: Up stairs, around couches, drapes etc. And all of them fall down hard grabbing at their left knees. TOPLESS WOMAN I (screaming) OH MY LEFT KNEE!!!

48.

GEOFF (V.O.) Unfortunately, this was the fate for many a young woman. Until... CUT TO: INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS A fourteen year old Hempshel III is pole-vaulting, with a vacuum in the other hand cleaning the top of the drapes in his living room. In the background, there is an attractive woman in her 30’s sitting in a recliner with her left leg up in a cast. GEOFF (V.O.) One day, a former junior high school pole-vaulting star was helping his mother with her daily chores when he had a brainstorm that would forever change the entire vacuuming industry. Hempshel III pole-vaults across the room falling hard onto his head. He re-surfaces holding his head and looking dazed. His eyes widen and his mouth opens in awe. GEOFF (V.O.) It was then, November fifth, 1965, when Hempshel Stevens the Third came up with his idea for the Stevens Sucker. CUT TO: INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS Topless women are vacuuming the same hard to reach areas, but are now using an over exaggerated extension nozzle on their vacuums. GEOFF (V.O.) Vacuuming once again became fun and safe for women all across the United States... CUT TO:

49.

INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS Geoff Ulfsenson is standing in a TV studio holding the Stevens Sucker out to the camera proudly. GEOFF All because of this, the Stevens Sucker... This simple modification, truly a thing of beauty, all but eliminated vacuum related injuries... CUT TO: INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS A standard graph is labeled: VACUUM RELATED INJURIES. The left axis is labeled: LEFT KNEE INJURIES, while the right axis is labeled: YEARS starting with 1900 and going through the year 2010. There is a line that escalates up and to the right until it crosses 1965, where it takes a sharp sustained dip. There is a small bump as the line crosses the early 1980’s, but then it descends again. CUT TO: INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS A black and white photo of an awkward looking teenage Hempshel Stevens III. He has a large Afro, and braces. GEOFF ... Hempshel Stevens the Third, one of the great innovators of our time. For the Stevens Sucker I’m Geoff Ulfsenson... Good night, God bless, and safe vacuuming. The credits role to sad music as still shots of topless women going down in pain are shown. CUT TO: INT. GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Hemp’s grandmother presses stop on the VCR.

50.

GRANDMOTHER Now do you finally understand what your father did for society? What being a Stevens actually means? HEMP (with a puzzled look) Yeah... But on the graph, what was that little spike in the 80’s all about? GRANDFATHER (disappointed) Dust-Buster. CUT TO: INT. CAR - DAY Owen, Frank, and Cat are in Owen’s car at a local drive thru. The car is stopped at the window. Owen is driving, Frank is seated “shotgun”, and Cat is in the back wearing a shirt which reads: “HAVE YOU GAMBLED TODAY?”. Owen is receiving the food from the attendant as he hands some off to Frank. OWEN (excited) Oh I’m excited about this. FRANK Figured you would be. The car quickly accelerates out of the drive thru and exits the lot making a swooping, tire screeching illegal left turn. FRANK Excuse me stupid, but we live that way. OWEN I know, I know. I just have to stop up at the shop and drop off some more copies. GUY told me they’re running low. Really?

FRANK They’re doing that well?

OWEN Well actually, only my family and friends have bought copies, but he doesn’t know that.

51.

FRANK (in a jealous tone) Well, at least somebody liked it. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT OF STORE - MOMENTS LATER Owen’s car pulls into a spot in a small run down parking lot. There is one elongated store with a big sign on the top which reads: “ONCE TOUCHED - CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED ADULT NOVELTY SHOPPE”. CUT TO: INT. ONCE TOUCHED - MOMENTS LATER A store worker is at the counter on the phone. He is a tall, very thin young man about 28 years old. He is wearing a red iridescent silk button down shirt with the top two buttons undone. He has long, straight, jet-black hair combed back. GUY (annoyed, into the phone) Now Mrs. Schnackenburg, I told you that this could happen with these older models... There is high pitched ranting heard over the phone. GUY ... No I won’t take it back... Well good day to you then!!! He slams down the phone. Owen, Frank, and Cat walk towards the counter. Owen lays the books down on the counter, Cat walks off down an aisle. GUY (very excited) Hey Owen! What’s up my man? He shakes Frank’s hand as they get to the counter. GUY Fraaaank... Hi Cat. OWEN (very excited) Hey Guy!!!

52.

Owen and Guy “salute” one another by simulating a masturbation motion over their own faces, then they hug vigorously. GUY What’s up buddy? Boy your book moved out of here like a cleansing enema. FRANK That was the goal. CUT TO: INT. ONCE TOUCHED DOWN AN AISLE FOLLOWING CAT - MOMENTS LATER Cat is slowly walking through the aisle. Adult magazines and paraphernalia surround him as he takes it all in. CUT TO: INT. ONCE TOUCHED COUNTER - CONTINUOUS GUY (picking up Owen’s book) Personally, I felt it was a masterpiece. OWEN Well, I tried to capture the spirit of the thing. GUY Well you did Owen, you did. CUT TO: ONCE TOUCHED DOWN AN AISLE WITH CAT - MOMENTS LATER Cat is slowly walking down the aisle. He is now looking at a wall of dildos and vibrators on one side. On the opposite side of the aisle, propped up is a humongous black dildo with a bright yellow happy face painted on the tip. The dildo extends off screen. Above it is a big bright sign which reads: “THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR”. CUT TO:

53.

INT. ONCE TOUCHED COUNTER - MOMENTS LATER GUY Boy I’ll tell you, after Tuesday night these things are gonna fly out of here like a two for one cock ring sale. FRANK We could only be so lucky. OWEN I hope so... GUY Can I get you guys an Espresso or something? FRANK Ah... No thanks. OWEN Yeah, we’ve got lunch in the car, but thanks. Guy shakes hands with Frank. GUY It was great to see you boys, as always. Guy waves to Cat down the aisle. Owen and Guy “Salute” one another in the same fashion, then they hug goodbye. GUY (whispering to Owen) Make us proud Tuesday. CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - LATER Hemp is in a towel, fresh out of the shower. He grabs a bottle of baby powder and begins to excessively and frantically powder his groin area. CUT TO:

54.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER Hemp, holding a map, descends down the stairs into the living room. He is wearing a silk buttoned down shirt with an exaggerated collar tucked into a white-wash pair of jeans that are studded with rhinestones down the sides and across the belt. In the living room, where the coffee table was, there is a large circular dirt pit. On opposite sides of the circle are two little Mexican men holding fighting cocks ready to release them. Cat, Owen, and Fella are around the circle. Cat is holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. FELLA (to Hemp) Look at this guy. CAT Where are you off to? pants. No where. a jog.

Mister fancy

HEMP I’m just headed out for

Hemp exits out the front door. Through the doorway, the heavy winds and pouring rain can be seen. OWEN Today is a good day for a jog. Cat nods at Owen in approval. their heads in disapproval.

The two Mexicans slowly shake CUT TO:

EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FAVORING THE FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS Hemp is making his way across the yard towards his car fighting the weather. There is a loud, sharp animal squeal, then brief silence. FELLA (V.O.) Go fuck yourself douche-bag! CUT TO: EXT. AQUARIUM PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON Hemp’s car pulls into frame. The storm outside is violent. Hemp is listening to the radio.

55.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tropical Monsoon Fillmore is just slamming Long Island today causing major flooding. Only the truly stupid are out there today. Hemp turns off the car, exits. door as he is pelted by rain.

He struggles to close his car CUT TO:

INT. AQUARIUM SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Atlantis is standing at her supervisor’s desk. He is on the phone, sitting at his desk juggling two conversations. ATLANTIS But we were counting on that money for the winter research... You promised it to me! Her supervisor covers the phone with his hand. SUPERVISOR Atlantis I’m sorry, I like him too, but the fact of the matter is, he’s just not drawing them in like he used to. ATLANTIS Is that all he is to you? Some freak in your damn park?!? Her supervisor holds up his finger to her signaling “one moment”. He then speaks into the phone. SUPERVISOR (into phone) OK look, I gotta go. I’m going to have to call you back. He hangs up the phone and looks up at Atlantis. SUPERVISOR I’m sorry Atlantis. The bottom line is we simply can’t afford to fund his research any longer, not to mention the families of the three interns your precious animal mauled won’t be settling for season passes, and you know this! (MORE)

56.

SUPERVISOR(cont'd) Besides, I’ve already allocated the funds elsewhere. Atlantis begins to cry. SUPERVISOR (compassionately) Look, if you can find someway to generate the funds, I’ll support you one hundred percent. If not... I am sorry Atlantis. The supervisor grabs some paperwork and exits the room. CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER Hemp is slowly strolling through a dimly lit, empty aquarium. Hemp is dripping wet. He passes many tanks filled with tropical fish as he walks on. A large sign is illuminated on the wall it reads: “PENISES OF THE DEEP”. There is a shelf with a lot of jars filled with a variety of underwater penises. There is a tremendously long jar with an arching phallic looking “Bone”. Below the jar is a sign which reads: “Blue Whale”. Hemp stops and stares at it. He then continues down a darkened hallway when another sign emerges above his head it reads: “WELCOME TO SHARK COUNTRY”. A few steps beyond this is a large cardboard cut out of Doctor Holland pointing upwards with both hands, awkwardly smiling straight ahead. Above the cardboard cut out is a gigantic picture of a marine vessel with a glass bottom. Next to the cardboard cut out it reads: “COMING SOON - THE EM50-B”. Hemp smiles and walks over to the cardboard cut out. HEMP (extending his hand) Hey, Doctor... He waits for a response then pulls his hand back. HEMP (irritated) Fine, don’t say hi. Hemp walks off quickly mumbling to himself as he walks underneath the “WELCOME TO SHARK COUNTRY” sign without noticing. In the tanks there are giant sharks swimming in and out of the shadows. Hemp with his head down walks right up to the tank, he slowly looks up. Swimming right at him is a giant Great White. We hear Hemp’s heart beat begin to race as the shark slowly swims closer and closer.

57.

CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S EYES Hemp’s eye’s completely widen as his heart begins to race. FADE IN: A SERIES OF SHOTS A GREAT WHITE RIPPING APART SOME MEAT. THE NHL TEAM SAN JOSE SHARKS MASCOT - “SJ SHARKY”. CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER - JABBA JAW. FRANK RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE WITH A STYROFOAM SHARK COSTUME ON. HEMP’S POV The shark is only a few feet away and is approaching fast. The shark opens it’s jaws wide, and just as the shark is about to “engulf” Hemp, he is tapped on the shoulder gently from behind. HEMP (turning and screaming) SHARK!!! SHARK!!! SHARK!!! Hemp immediately begins hysterically crying into the arms and chest of a man. The man is wearing a custodial uniform and his name is printed on his shirt. It reads: “TOURIN” TOURIN THE CUSTODIAN (lightly massaging Hemp) It’s OK, it’s OK... Your safe now, your with me. The custodian leads Hemp down the hall. TOURIN THE CUSTODIAN Let’s get you out of these wet clothes. Hemp still sobbing wipes his nose, nods “yes” and continues down the hall.

58.

TOURIN THE CUSTODIAN You look like you could use a nice warm cup of New England man chowder. Hemp continues to nod as they turn the corner and enter a small room. Tea lights are lit as soft music plays. The custodian closes the door behind them. We are left outside the room, and hear a zipper loudly opening. Hemp immediately walks out of the door and begins to run down a darkened hall. HEMP (running) That didn’t happen!!! happen!!!

That did not CUT TO:

INT. AQUARIUM SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Atlantis is still standing at his desk as Dr. Holland enters. DOCTOR HOLLAND Is everything OK? I couldn’t help but overhear what he said to you. ATLANTIS It’s just not fair! He promised us that money, I swear I’ll raise that money, some how some way I’ll get it. DOCTOR HOLLAND Well perhaps you won’t have to. ATLANTIS (curiously) What do you mean, I won’t have to? DOCTOR HOLLAND Well, believe it or not my department is well under budget for the third straight quarter, and we have more than enough money to fund your research. ATLANTIS I thought your department just purchased that state of the art shark attack statician vehicle?

59.

DOCTOR HOLLAND Ah yes, the EM50-B, the majority of that funding came from grants and donations, so there is plenty of money to go around. ATLANTIS You would do that for me? DOCTOR HOLLAND (edging closer to her) Not just for you, but for him. Across the office in the window is the Polargator, he is just standing there staring back at them. CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER Hemp is still walking around the aquarium, looking back over his shoulder. He comes across a large black security guard. HEMP Excuse me, but could you tell me where Doctor Millen’s office is? CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Atlantis and Holland are exiting the office as she gives him a hug. ATLANTIS Thank you so much Sebastian, your doing a real nice thing. DOCTOR HOLLAND Your welcome... Well I have to go, I’ve got a lot of work today, I’ll catch up with you later. ATLANTIS Bye Sebastian. She enters her office which is down the hall a bit. It is decorated with her degrees and photographs of her and the Polargator. She picks up a framed photo off of her desk. CUT TO:

60.

INSERT PHOTO - CONTINUOUS Another picture of the Polargator mauling an Eskimo. She sighs and looks at the photo. There is a knock at the door. The security guard and Hemp are standing in the doorway. Hemp is still soaking wet from the storm outside. SECURITY GUARD Doctor Millen, this gentleman was looking for you? ATLANTIS (surprised) Hemp, oh my God. What are you doing here? The security guard leaves. HEMP Well, I was just out for a jog and I figured I’d stop by. ATLANTIS Today? HEMP (pulling at his stomach) Well, you know.. ATLANTIS Oh come on, you were always the cutest guy in high school... Can I get you a towel? HEMP Oh no thanks, I brought my own. Hemp takes a small towel from his pocket and begins drying off. ATLANTIS Oh, OK... Hemp walks over to the wall and examines her diplomas. Wow!

HEMP So your a doctor huh?

ATLANTIS That’s what it said in the year book.

61.

HEMP That is so cool. ATLANTIS (blushing) Yeah, for a few years now. Hemp begins rotating his shoulder, making a wincing face. HEMP So you went to school for that right? ATLANTIS (laughing at him) Yeah I did... So how about you, what have you been up to since the film festival? Hemp picks up a jar. Floating in fluid is a human hand with a severe bite mark in it. HEMP (putting the jar down) Oh you know... ATLANTIS Wasn’t that festival a joke? I mean come on, every film receiving an award. HEMP Yeah... We won’t be back there next year. ATLANTIS My God right. HEMP So any chance of my meeting the Polargator? ATLANTIS (sadly) No, now’s not really a good time... HEMP No problem, we can do it some other time then. Atlantis begins to file some paperwork.

62.

HEMP Well your kinda busy here, so... But listen, me and my buddies will be hangin’ out at The Groin on Friday night, if you wanna stop up and have a beer or something? ATLANTIS Awwwh, that’s so sweet, that sounds great, I’d love to. There is a loud intrusive knock at the door. pops his head into the office. DOCTOR HOLLAND Um-humm, Atlantis darling, I’m sorry but I couldn’t help but overhear. Did you say Friday night? Because Friday night is the big Bi-Annual Shark Attack Statistician's Ball. ATLANTIS Well, I can do both. HEMP (to Holland) Your a what!?!? DOCTOR HOLLAND (proudly) I am a shark attack statistician. I have survived seven attacks. HEMP Well you look great! Atlantis tries to hold back her laughter. HEMP (nervously) I myself, I don’t... I... I don’t care for sharks. DOCTOR HOLLAND (pointing at Hemp) You see!!! You see!!! Another hater... We don’t need your kind around here!

Doctor Holland

63.

HEMP (defensively) Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill out JabaJaw. I just have a problem with being torn apart limb from limb by a giant fish that’s all... Nothing countless hours of psychotherapy won’t help cure, I’m sure. Atlantis continues to laugh to herself. DOCTOR HOLLAND (addressing Atlantis) You see what people think... Holland turns towards Hemp. DOCTOR HOLLAND Well my laymen friend, did you know that last year more people were killed by falling coconuts than shark attacks? HEMP I didn’t know that, thanks. I’ll be sure to take the necessary precautions... OK... I’ll see you Atlantis... Doctor. Hemp exits the room as Holland gives him a dirty look. ATLANTIS Bye-bye Hemp. After Hemp leaves, Atlantis hurriedly grabs a chart and her stethoscope. She heads towards the door in a huff. ATLANTIS (curt) I have to check on Polie. She quickly leaves. Doctor Holland is left standing by himself. The surroundings turn red as he begins breathing heavily. An evil look emerges on his face. FADE TO:

64.

CLOSE SHOT - RED AND ORANGE FLAME Slow moving shot backing away to reveal a red lighter igniting a red bong. Owen is taking a large bong “hit”. CUT TO: WIDE SHOT OF THE LIVING ROOM Hemp, Frank, Fella, and Cat are on the couches. Owen completes the hit and instantly begins coughing violently and gyrating as everyone laughs at him. Suddenly, a red phone to the left of Owen begins to ring and light up. Above the phone the letters “BPH” are seen. Owen swiftly turns his head to the ringing phone and stops coughing. His eyes squint as he focuses and quiets the group with a hand gesture. OWEN (into the phone) Breast Pump Hot-line, Owen Fitzmaurice speaking, how may I help you? A high screeching, ranting voice can be heard over the phone. OWEN Calm down, calm down Mrs. Schnackenburg, calm down... Now slowly, calmly, tell me what the problem is. A slower pace high pitched voice is heard from the phone. OWEN Umm, humm, humm, ohhh, I see, well that is a problem. More high pitched ranting is heard from the phone. OWEN Well, now to be fair Mrs. Schnackenburg you were informed before hand that the older models, especially the B.P.I. have been known to lock-up at times causing significant back-flow. More ranting is heard from the phone.

65.

OWEN (cutting her off) Come on Mrs. Schnackenburg. I’ve told you a thousand times it has absolutely nothing to do with the size of your areolas. More intense ranting is heard over the phone. OWEN (in a frustrated tone) Mrs. Schnackenburg!!!! Listen I’m going to help you but you must listen and remain calm... OK? Do you think you can do this? Because if you can’t... OK. Now, find the little wing-nut located on the right side of the pump. You got it? Good, now give it two turns to the right... I know it doesn’t say it in the manual... But, but.... Loud ranting is heard. OWEN (cutting her off) Look, do you want milk or not?!... OK, then, OK, there you go, got a nice steady stream there? Good flow?... Great. OK... OK, your welcome Mrs. Schnachenburg. OK, I will. Say hi to little Zacheria, OK... Enjoy lunch. Owen slowly hangs up the phone, looks around the room and takes a deep breath. FELLA Stupid chicks do stupid things. CAT Unbelievable. Owen nods “yes” to the group. CUT TO: INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

66.

CLOSE SHOT - BANNER The banner reads: “Biannual Shark Attack Statisticians Ball”, and has a logo of a human figure being eaten by a shark, arms flailing into the air. The shot moves downward to reveal a black tie affair. There is a handsome crowd of ladies and gentlemen. Some mingling, some dining, some dancing. Soft ballroom music is being played by a band on stage. The mood is light. CUT TO: INT. BALLROOM - A CIRCLE OF MEN AND ATLANTIS A casual circle of four men listening to Dr. Holland speak as Atlantis stands by his side. Among the men are a Jewish man, a black man, an Asian man, and an Indian man. DR. HOLLAND (pointing emphatically) And that’s why I’ll never like those people! The four men nod and enjoy a good laugh together. Atlantis rolls her eyes and walks away abruptly. Dr. Holland excuses himself and walks after her. DR. HOLLAND Atlantis, where are you going? ATLANTIS I’m leaving Sebastian, you have your friends. DR. HOLLAND (desperately) Where? I’ll go with you. ATLANTIS I’m leaving Sebastian, good night. She turns and walks away. DR. HOLLAND (stepping towards her) Atlantis don’t lea... A spotlight suddenly shines on Dr. Holland as the other lights are cut. An “MC” is heard.

67.

MC (V.O.) And the shark attack statistician of the half year is... Dr. Sebastian Holland. Frozen with an angry look upon his face, he begins wryly smiling. He waves to the crowd and turns toward the stage. CUT TO: EXT. BAR - PARKING LOT - NIGHT Atlantis exits a taxi-cab. Her hair is up and she is wearing her glasses. The sign above the bar reads: “THE PULLED GROIN”. CUT TO: INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER A crowded, intimate, mostly wooden bar. Loud drunk chatter is heard and rock music is coming from the jukebox. Atlantis walks through the front door. A large sign greets her, it reads: “FRI-NIGHTS - HOLD YOUR BEER NIGHT”. She proceeds in. A large bouncer gently grabs her arm. BOUNCER Don’t you want a pitcher? Pitcher?

ATLANTIS What for?

BOUNCER It’s hold your beer night. CUT TO: INT. BAR - BACK OF BAR - MOMENTS LATER Cat holding a half empty pitcher of beer is riding a mechanical bull. Beer is splattering everywhere. A large crowd is gathered around cheering loudly. Cat’s T-shirt reads: “TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO GAMBLE!” CUT TO:

68.

INT. BAR - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER BOUNCER You get to ride Tebuckey the Beer Bouncing Bronco for forty-two seconds, and whatever beer you have left over in your pitcher, you drink for free. ATLANTIS Oh... Well then, can I have a second pitcher? BARTENDER (holding up two pitchers) Absolutely! ATLANTIS Thanks. She walks towards the back of the bar. CUT TO: INT. BAR - BACK OF BAR - MOMENTS LATER Hemp dismounting off of “Tebucky”. He has very little beer left in his pitcher. He is wearing an unbuttoned short sleeve shirt with a beer soaked white tank top underneath. “Mardi Gras” beads hang around his neck and a big straw hat sits atop his head. Hemp is receiving high-fives from everyone, who is cheering him. Atlantis approaches Hemp from behind and speaks into his ear. ATLANTIS (in a flirtacious tone) Nice ride. HEMP (spinning around, drunk) Atlantis!!! Holy shit!!! How’d you know we’d be here? ATLANTIS You invited me. HEMP And you remembered! Hemp hugs her tightly.

Wonderful.

69.

HEMP Let me introduce you to the boys. Hemp turns back around towards his friends. HEMP Boys, I’d like you to meet my friend Atlantis. Atlantis, these are the boys. Everyone waves and says hello. ATLANTIS (to Cat) Great shirt. CAT (pointing at his shirt) You... ahh? ATLANTIS Oh yeah, I love Atlantic City. CAT (looking at Hemp) That is unbelievable. Owen walks over disgustingly drunk and winded. OWEN (resting on Frank) Dude... When I get home I’m gonna dip my balls in ice water and just hover over the air conditioner for thirty five, forty minutes. FRANK (pleading) Not in the living room. Hemp laughs as he turns back to Atlantis. HEMP (surprised) Atlantis!!! So glad you could make it. Hemp hugs her again. ATLANTIS (laughing at him) Yeah, me too, this place is great. (MORE)

70.

ATLANTIS(cont'd) I can’t believe I’ve never been here. HEMP (slurring his words) Well that’s OK... your always... ya know at the zoo, doing important thingssssstuff... You don’t, ya know... Hey! I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day, and I couldn’t help but think of you. ATLANTIS That is so sweet. They stare at each other in awkward silence. head in.

Fella pops his

FELLA Shots? CUT TO: INT. BAR - LATER CLOSE SHOT - ATLANTIS ON “TEBUCKEY” Atlantis holding two full pitchers of beer. Her hair is down, glasses off. Her shirt is unbuttoned half-way down, exposing her cleavage. She is wearing Hemp’s straw hat. Her eyes are squinted, cheeks flushed. She nods “yes” as Tebuckey begins moving, while the Tom Jones song, “She’s a Lady” begins simultaneously. In slow-motion, Atlantis rides “Tebuckey” in an extremely sensual, sexual manner. The “bull” thrusts her back and forth as she moans. CUT TO: SLOW MOVING SHOT OF CROWD - ATLANTIS’S POV The bar crowd cheers her on in slow-motion. mouths the word “Unbelievable”.

Cat clearly CUT TO:

ATLANTIS ON “TEBUCKEY” She rides the “bull” for a few more seconds and is then violently thrown off camera. The music sharply cuts. We hear the crowd’s “Ooooh’s”. There is a silent pause.

71. Her arm and hand then extend on screen with a half-full pitcher of beer. “WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, SHE’S A LADY” is heard simultaneously. She stands up and receives a tremendous ovation. FADE OUT. EXT. BAR - PARKING LOT - LATER Hemp is helping Atlantis into a cab as people exit the bar. HEMP I’ll call you tomorrow? ATLANTIS (returning his straw hat) You’d better buckaroo!! She leans in and they kiss passionately. She begins smiling as the kiss ends and she enters the cab. Hemp closes the door. The cab pulls away as Hemp waves goodbye. Smiling, Hemp begins to circle in the parking lot his arms extended to his sides. A MOVING SHOT DRAWS UP AND AWAY FROM HEMP AND INTO THE EMPTY, STARLIT SKY. A SLOW SONG IS HEARD. A SERIES OF SHOTS - DATE MONTAGE Into the empty starlit sky comes a fast moving Ferris wheel “car”. Hemp and Atlantis are in the “car” laughing. Hemp is at a carnival game booth handing Atlantis a stuffed animal he has won. Hemp and Atlantis together toss a “dwarf” onto a Velcro wall where he sticks. They high-five one another and smile. Hemp kisses a bearded lady. She hands Hemp a larger stuffed animal. Hemp and Atlantis smile. An erupting volcano in the background. “Natives” are seen everywhere chanting and singing. Atlantis dressed like a Pacific Islander gingerly walks across burning coals. She finishes her walk, bends down and grabs Hemp’s hand. He is laying flat on a bed of nails. A native places a cinder block on Hemp’s stomach and smashes it with a sledge hammer. They smile at one another.

72.

Hemp and Atlantis are teammates playing doubles tennis at a “Wimbledon” like setting. Grass tennis court, all white dress, etc. The ball is blasted by Atlantis. HEMP (yelling) Show some fucking hustle!

Dammit!

Atlantis curses to herself. Hemp on a motorcycle wearing a white leather jacket and a thin pastel scarf. He opens the bike up full throttle as he speeds towards a ramp. He takes off over a long line of burning demolished cars. A banner unfurls from the back of the bike. It reads: “HI ATLANTIS”. Hemp extends his arms from the bike. As he re-grabs the handle bars, he pushes the bike forward and begins to flip over the bars. HEMP Ohhhhh Shit!!! Hemp crashes down into a burning vehicle. Hemp and Atlantis calmly strolling down a serene beach. ATLANTIS (turning to Hemp) Hemp. HEMP Yes beautiful? ATLANTIS Do you think that our relationship is getting... ya know, kinda stale? HEMP (shocked) No!!? ATLANTIS (joyfully) I know!! I’ve got someone I’d love for you to meet, come on. Atlantis pulls Hemp down the beach. They run by a man in a beach chair. It is Dr. Holland in a fake mustache disguise. He is reading a newspaper. It reads: “SHARK ATTACK WEEKLY FOR THE SERIOUS STATISTICIAN”. CUT TO:

73.

EXT. POOL AREA OF AQUARIUM - DAY Hemp and Atlantis walk to the edge of an aquarium sized in-ground pool. A sign in the background reads: “PLINKO”. Atlantis bends down to water’s edge while a bottle-nosed dolphin swims over to her. Atlantis “hugs” the dolphin. ATLANTIS Hemp, this is PLINKO, Plinko this is Hemp. Hemp extends his arm for a handshake, Atlantis laughs. HEMP Hi Plinko. He bends down to greet the dolphin. into Hemp’s face.

Plinko splashes water

ATLANTIS (laughing) Awwh see, he likes you. Who’s my baby? Who’s my little baby? I’ve had him since he was a calf, yes I did. Mommy loves you soooo much... Go ahead, you can pet him, he’s friendly. Hemp cautiously extends his hand, then pets him casually. ATLANTIS Would you like to swim with him? He loves company. Plinko makes dolphin “clicking” noises. HEMP No, no that’s alright... Really? ATLANTIS Sure hop in. HEMP (untying his shoes) Wait, there aren’t any sharks in here are there? ATLANTIS (laughing) You’re so funny.

74.

Hemp peers into the water, smiles nervously and jumps in. They swim and play together. HEMP This is so cool, you coming in? ATLANTIS I will in a minute, I’ve got to check my e-mails. You boys play nice. She walks off into the aquarium. the corner of the pool.

Hemp waves to Atlantis from

HEMP Say bye Plinko... Come here Plinko, good boy... Ahaww, whmm, wooaahhh, not there boy... No Plinko!!! No God no!!! CUT TO: INT. ATLANTIS’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS She is at her desk facing away from a sliding glass door. Through the glass door, the pool area is clearly visible. Plinko has Hemp cornered and pinned against the pool wall. Two-thirds of Plinko’s body is out of the water as the dolphin’s “hip” area thrusts back and forth. Water is splashing everywhere. We vaguely hear Hemp’s screams through the thick glass door. CUT TO: EXT. POOL AREA OF AQUARIUM - CONTINUOUS The dolphin, still thrusting is making high-pitched noises. Water splashes about as Hemp wears a look of sheer terror. HEMP (yelling) This is not happening!... Oh my God please stop! CUT TO: Dr. Holland positioned behind a pool-side fence. He smiles while he witnesses the attack, then slowly walks away.

75.

CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S POV/PLINKO’S POV The high pitched noises are faster and louder. HEMP No means nooooo!!!!!!!! The shot “zooms” into Hemp’s mouth until the screen is black. CUT TO: EXT. CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S FACE Hemp stares out into nothing, not breathing, not moving. White “goo” is dripping off his face. Hemp is hit on the side of his face by a powerful stream of water. He remains motionless. NEW ANGLE - MUCH WIDER SHOT - CONTINUOUS Hemp standing over a drain, covered in this white “goo” which drops to the floor in clumps. A small Mexican man hoses Hemp down as he giggles to himself. Atlantis stands nearby. ATLANTIS (holding back laughter ) Hemp, I am so sorry. Hemp remains motionless and speechless. FADE TO BLACK. INT. DOCTOR HOLLAND’S OFFICE A dimly lit, well kept space. Shark posters and diplomas are hung about. A red glow from the computer monitor illuminates Dr. Holland’s face as he sits at his desk on the phone. DOCTOR HOLLAND (into office phone) No, sir please, that ridiculous freak of nature has cost this aquarium hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless lawsuits. He’s just got to go... I agree... (MORE)

76.

DOCTOR HOLLAND(cont'd) I don’t know sir, but I know I speak for the rest of the scientists here when I say that the money wasted on the Polargator could be reallocated to something much more profitable to the aquarium... Well thank you sir, I’ll be sure to pass that along to my constituents... Oh don’t worry, she’s a professional. She knows how things work, she’s known for sometime, she’ll be fine... Doctor Holland’s cell-phone rings.

It is the theme to Jaws.

DR. HOLLAND (into office phone) I’ll speak with her, OK... OK, you too sir... OK... Good-bye. He hangs up the office phone and answers his cell-phone. DOCTOR HOLLAND (angrily) What the hell took you so long!!? Did you get everything?... And my laundry? That is outstanding. He slowly puts his cell-phone down and picks up a pen. INSERT - PAPER ON DOCTOR HOLLAND’S DESK A drawing of the children’s game “HANG-MAN” shows a stick figure body with arms, legs, and eyes, being “hung”. Below the drawing, the letters “H”, “M”, AND “P” are “filled” in the proper underlined area, with one spot left between the letters “H”, and “M”. Below, the letters “B”, “Z”, “O”, and “K” are all “used up/scratched out”. DOCTOR HOLLAND (V.O.) (writing the letter “C”) Let’s try “C”. Oh, so sorry Hemp, there just wasn’t “E”- nough room for the both of us. Dr. Holland draws a frown onto the stick figure’s face as he laughs to himself. He takes a deep breath and stares straight ahead. CUT TO:

77.

EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FACING THE ROAD - DAY A mini-van pulls into frame. The van is painted and reads: “Rent-A-Bunny”. The van parks in front of the house. INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Fella is coming down the stairs into the living room. He quickly grabs his keys. Owen and Frank are on the couch. OWEN Where ya goin’ there Fella? FELLA I just gotta... go somewhere. I’m in.

OWEN C’mon Frank.

Owen grabs Frank up off the couch. OWEN I’ve got nothing to do. FELLA I know you don’t pal. CUT TO: EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Fella, Frank, and Owen walk across the lawn towards Fella’s car. Cat exits his mini-van wearing a bunny costume. FELLA Ahwww Christ. CAT Where you guys going? FRANK Yeah, where are we going Fella? FELLA (reluctantly) We’re going to “Toys R’ Us”. Frank, Cat, and Owen smile and pull at one another’s arms as they high-five each other.

78.

FELLA (pointing at them, Cat last) No!!!... No, no, and no! I’ll leave you here. CAT Oh I am involved. FELLA We are in and out. thing.

I’m buying one

Fella points back at Cat. FELLA Your not wearing that. OWEN One second, gotta grab some toes. Owen turns and runs back into the house. FELLA (yelling) Hurry!!! CUT TO: INT. FELLA’S CAR Fella, Cat, and Frank sit waiting for Owen. Cat, bunny suit on, sits in the passenger seat. Frank is in the back. FELLA (honking the horn) Come on ass-hole! What the fuck could he possibly be doing? Fella gazes down at Cat’s mud covered “bunny” feet. FELLA Way to wipe your feet before you got into the car ass-hole. CAT (looking down) Oh, I didn’t notice. FELLA I would expect nothing less.

79.

EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FACING FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS Owen comes running out of the house raised into the air. He is wearing T-shirt. Sprinting across the lawn first out of the shot. Owen’s hand remains on screen.

with a large “blunt” a “Geoffrey the Giraffe” he trips and falls face holding the “blunt”

OWEN (V.O.) Still in it... Still in it. CUT TO: INT. FELLA’S CAR - VIEW FROM REAR VIEW MIRROR Fella’s eyes peer into the back of his vehicle. The shot “pulls” backwards revealing Owen and Frank in the back seat passing around the blunt. Owen’s nose is horribly swollen, red, and packed with gauze. A “handle-bar” mustache of dried blood surrounds Owen’s mouth and down his neck. Owen smiles. CUT TO: EXT. TOYS R’ US - PARKING LOT - DAY The lot is full except for the furthest possible spot. Fella’s car swings into the vacant slot and they exit the car. Fella wears a disgusted look. FRANK (arm around Fella) It’s OK pal, we’ll be the first one’s out. Fella storms ahead towards the entrance shaking his head. CAT Why are we here anyway? FELLA (over his shoulder, curt) My brother had a kid. OWEN Congrats buddy!

Your first cousin!

FRANK No... I believe it’s his second. Frank, Owen, and Cat pause to think about it.

80.

CAT Cause’ it’s not his ? FRANK, OWEN, & CAT (nodding their heads yes) Ahhhhhhhhhhh... right, right. They begin walking again as Fella sighs dramatically. CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BLACK LIGHT/SMOKE ROOM Hemp and Fella are sitting, sparking a joint. FELLA So, that was my day. HEMP Terrible, hope your cousin will like her gift. FELLA I’m sure she’ll hate it. HEMP Yeah I guess. The important thing is that you dominate at the big social tonight. FELLA No doubt. Hemp picks up a “check-list” off of the table. HEMP Let’s see... Plates, cups, streamers, olives... Oh shit, I forgot... FELLA Toes? HEMP No! I forgot I promised my dad I would stop by today.

81.

FELLA (happily) Oh yeah? CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S FATHER’S HOUSE - HOME OFFICE HEMP’S DAD is standing behind a large desk. Bowling trophies and pictures of vacuums adorn the walls. Hemp and Fella make their way in. HEMP’S DAD My boy!!! He extends his arms while maneuvering around the desk. hugs Fella.

He

FELLA (hugging back) How ya doing pal? HEMP’S DAD Good to see you! FELLA Always good to see the Big H. They end their hug. Hemp’s hand.

Hemp’s dad extends his hand to shake HEMP’S DAD

Son. HEMP (shaking his hand) Father. Hemp’s dad puts his arm around Fella and leads them to several chairs. HEMP’S DAD Well come in, sit down... I burnt some new “Esteban” CD’s for you. FELLA (receiving a few CD’s) Yeah!? Hemp’s dad presses play on the CD player as music blares. He quickly lowers the volume. Hemp and Fella sit in ordinary office chairs as Hemp’s dad settles into a throne.

82.

HEMP’S DAD Can I get you boys a beer? HEMP AND FELLA Sure. He grabs three Corona’s from a mini-fridge, hands them to the boys as they toast and share a drink. HEMP’S DAD So tell me gentleman, how’s life been going? FELLA Everything is going great. HEMP’S DAD Excellent answer. Hemp’s dad smiles and looks over at his son. HEMP OK I guess... I really don’t know. HEMP’S DAD (no longer smiling) Disgraceful... So what’s the problem now? Is it still the polevaulting thing? ‘Cause if it is I’m calling that shrink right now, I want my money back. He picks up his phone. HEMP (grabbing his dad’s hand) No dad, dad please don’t. FELLA I told you, you can’t trust those people. They fuck with your mind. HEMP It’s not that... HEMP’S DAD Well then what is it? Is it your job again? You’ve got a great job. HEMP (saddened) Yeah great job... (MORE)

83.

HEMP(cont'd) Every time I go to work I get to fondle another man’s penis. FELLA They give you gloves for that right? HEMP’S DAD Please tell me you wear gloves. HEMP Yes, I wear gloves! HEMP’S DAD Because if you don’t, we could always use a new salesman. HEMP I wear the gloves!!! HEMP’S DAD OK fine, you wear the gloves... He wears the gloves. FELLA We’re just looking out for you here pal. HEMP’S DAD OK... So it’s not your pole-vaulting, it’s not your job... Is it a lady friend? HEMP No dad!.. Geeze... I just feel like I’m wasting my time. FELLA Spinning your wheels? HEMP’S DAD Struggling day after day with no hope in sight? HEMP I just feel like... like my life has absolutely no direction whatsoever. HEMP’S DAD (very softly, slowly) Oh... I see... Directions are a funny, funny, funny, thing... (MORE)

84.

HEMP’S DAD(cont'd) You never know which way they are going to go. They could go up. Hemp’s dad stares up into the air and pauses. but sees nothing. HEMP’S DAD Ahhh... Like this one time, I was on my way to Pittsburgh on business... FELLA (excitedly) Sure. HEMP’S DAD ... You must have been about thirteen at the time... Hemp smiles softly at his father. HEMP’S DAD ... No, no... You were four. Hemp stops smiling. HEMP’S DAD There I was, a young bucking vacuum tech consultant on my very first road assignment. I was in my little silver “Celica”... He points at Fella. HEMP’S DAD ... Your first car. So, I find this big ‘ole “Greyhound” bus, boy was it big... So I just positioned my little “Celica” right behind it, and it just sucked me right in. And I just drafted the rest of the way... never touching the gas... It was really, something. FELLA You must have gotten really close to the bus to be drafted like that. HEMP’S DAD (proudly and slowly) Oh yeah... If he had tapped the breaks I would’ve smacked right into the back of that sucker.

Hemp looks up

85.

FELLA (amazed) Wow!!! HEMP’S DAD Yeah it was so... it was just so great. HEMP (shaking his head) So, how’d you know where the bus was going? A long silent pause. HEMP’S DAD (raising his hands up) I had no idea where the bus was going. FELLA (in a whistling manner) Wooooh!! Hemp, open-jawed stares at his father who simply nods at him. CUT TO: INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO - A TALK-SHOW SET A live studio audience of only women fill the seats. All different races, shapes, and ages are present. On stage, three cushioned chairs are visible. Two are angled at one another, while the other is facing forward in between the angled two. A large red “V” hangs in the background. Cameramen and crewmen are milling about. CAMERAMAN And we’re back in five, four, three... He silently signals two, then one. CUT TO: INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN A shot of an empty stage.

86.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Welcome back to America’s favorite family show... “Vagina Face-Off”. A large applause is heard as the hanging “V” blinks. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Our next guests include the world famous sex therapist, DOCTOR MARY ST. PETE... The ovation swells. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ... And sitting across from her tonight is author Owen Fitzmaurice. Dead silence. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And once again, the star of “Vagina Face-Off”, your host, FRANCINE CERUTTI!!! Her theme music cues appreciative crowd. she is. Francine is thirties. She blows

as she enters the stage to an She is dressed like the talk-show host attractive, tall, and in her midkisses to the audience.

FRANCINE Welcome back... Boy do we have a treat for you right now. This should be an absolutely incredible face-off. I am so excited, coming out shortly we have my favorite author and sexual psychotherapist right here in our studio. Her works include: “CONDOMS - A MUST FOR MY LUST”, and her newest release which has just sky-rocketed to the top of the New York Times best seller list... She holds the book up to the crowd, then against her chest. FRANCINE ... and I just love it, your all getting a signed copy today... “MY VAGINA, MY CHOICE”... Here she is, the one, the only, Dr. Mary St. Pete!

87.

Dr. St. dressed is very embrace enjoy a

Pete comes on stage waving to the crowd. She is conservatively sporting a women’s business suit. She well kept and in her early forties. Her and the host in a hug. Francine whispers into her ear and they laugh. Dr. St. Pete takes a seat and a sip of water. FRANCINE Tonight, Dr. St. Pete will be facing-off against the eastern seaboards leading breast pump salesperson and coauthor of the controversial new book, “LIVING A LIE - THE GREAT CONDOM CONSPIRACY”. Here is Mr. Owen Fitzmaurice.

The audience boos and hisses as Owen casually waves to them. He is dressed in a blazer with a tight turtle-neck on underneath. An ascot dangles from his chest. Owen shakes hands with both women and takes his seat. The host sits gracefully between them. FRANCINE Wow! We’ve really got both ends of the spectrum here with us tonight... Dr. St. Pete, let’s begin with you... You stated in your book that unprotected, nonmarital sex should be illegal, and men who were caught participating in it should be criminally prosecuted and serve jail time. How do you justify that? DR. ST. PETE Very, very simply... STD’s are as we all know extremely dangerous and costly. They are as bad as armed robbery, or assault, and that’s just what these men are doing when they don’t wear condoms, they are launching an all out assault on our innocent, unsuspecting bodies. A polite applause is heard. FRANCINE (nodding in approval) That is so... That is so right on. She turns and faces Owen, he smiles and waves at her. FRANCINE Mr. Fitzmaurice...

88.

OWEN (cutting her off) Mr. Fitzmaurice? Mr. Fitzmaurice is my father’s name, I am Owen. FRANCINE (picking up Owen’s book) You stated in your book, and I’m quoting here that... Let me get this right... “Condoms are singlehandedly causing the downfall of American society today, and I am ashamed to live in a world where a man is expected to make sex less enjoyable for everyone involved”? She lowers the book and peers at him, he stares back. FRANCINE I think we all deserve an answer to that! OWEN (very calmly) You see Francine... When a man has to “pull-out”, it teaches him a certain sense of responsibility... Owen rolls his hands. OWEN ... Which in turn he will carry with him throughout his entire life. And, because of this learned responsibility, he will be a much more productive member of society. He opens his hands towards the audience. OWEN Thus, we are a better society. DR. ST. PETE (agitated) You sir are a menace to society. That is simply insane! And you should be locked away for a long, long time and thus, we are a better society. She opens her hands to the audience in a similar fashion as she smugly smiles at Owen.

89.

OWEN OK, put yourself in my penis for a moment will you? Owen stares down at his groin. OWEN OK buddy, I did it! She actually wants to meet you... Oh, I can’t believe it either... No, no, no, your welcome... buuuuuuuuut, there is one thing though... You have to wear this... Owen unfurls an opened condom. OWEN ... This slimy, smelly, airtight piece of latex all around you until you make a complete mess of yourself... But, don’t worry, it will still feel the same. Owen looks up at Dr. St. Pete. OWEN I mean, come on. Do you honestly think that this is fair? DR. ST. PETE I certainly think it is more than fair. The risks you are taking by having unprotected sex far outweigh the loss of some sensation you may, notice I said may experience while wearing a condom. Modern science has made great strides in the field of latex technology improving pleasure for everyone involved... Condoms sir, are saving society! OWEN Ohhhh, well then, tell me this doctor... What exactly does wearing a condom feel like? DR. ST. PETE (visibly flustered) That’s not the point!!!

90.

OWEN Well then, until you experience first hand the physical and mental anguish that these modern day torture devices inflict upon us, I highly suggest you stick to subject matter in which you have not only theoretical, but practical expertise as well, doctor!!! FRANCINE (nervously) I’m sure we are all not gathered here to question Dr. St. Pete’s area of expertise. Francine holds her hand up to her ear piece and nods. FRANCINE Dr. St. Pete, you have a new charity you’d like to tell us about? DR. ST. PETE (composing herself) Yes... Thank you Francine. Our organization helps to fund sexual education in pre-school and kindergarten to teach four and five year olds the importance of sex education and safety. You can reach us to send a donation on-line at “IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY DOT COM”. She smiles proudly. FRANCINE That’s fabulous. The theme music starts again as the “V” blinks. FRANCINE Well that’s all the time we have for today... OWEN (screaming) What!!!??? FRANCINE ... Please tune in next week when we discuss the liberation of the Iraqi clitoris... (MORE)

91.

FRANCINE(cont'd) Good or bad for the Middle-East peace process? Only here, on “Vagina Face-Off”. Francine stands and waves to the crowd. Credits begin to roll on screen, as Owen stands up and screams over the music. OWEN What about my organization!!?? He rips off his blazer and turtle-neck exposing a white Tshirt that clearly reads: “C.A.C.”, vertically. OWEN (fighting off security) What about all we’ve done!? CAC, I’m the founder of CAC, Completely Against... CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Hemp, Frank, Fella, Cat, and Guy are on the couches watching TV, passing around a joint. OWEN (V.O.) (heard from television) ... Condoms!!! To support, protect, and ensure the future of enjoyable sex for everyone!!! CAT (staring straight ahead) That is unbelievable. CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM - DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE Dr. Holland is standing at his doorway. A young man, early twenties, dressed like a nerd enters his office carrying a large box and dry-cleaned clothing. Dr. Holland closes the door behind him, draws the blinds and quickly opens the box. YOUNG MAN So, how’d we do? DOCTOR HOLLAND We did wonderful... just wonderful.

92.

Into the shot, Dr. Holland holds up a “warm-up” suit. smiles and laughs sadistically.

He

FADE TO BLACK. EXT. AQUARIUM PARKING LOT - DAY Atlantis exits her car. Her hair is down, glasses off. She is wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, with no lab coat. She is humming to herself as she flashes her ID to the guard. In the distance, frantic talking is heard. Atlantis picks up her pace as the apparent commotion intensifies. She rounds a corner and witnesses several scientists, and the little Mexican man, hovering over Plinko the dolphin. Plinko is in a marine sling, hoisted out of the water. The dolphin is terribly discolored and moaning painfully. Atlantis races over to Plinko. Dr. Holland cuts her off just before she reaches him. ATLANTIS (frantically) Oh my God Plinko! What happened? DR. HOLLAND (holding her back) We don’t know yet... He’s very sick. ATLANTIS (screaming and crying) Nooo! Don’t worry baby! Mommy is here, mommy’s here. She breaks free of Dr. Holland and runs to Plinko’s side. The dolphin moans repeatedly. ATLANTIS (stroking Plinko) It’s OK. Mommy’s here, mommy’s here. ANOTHER DOCTOR It could be loneliness, you haven’t been around much lately. Dr. Holland shoots the other doctor a cautionary stare. ATLANTIS No, he’s right, it’s my fault. I’ve been neglecting my work, my life, Plinko... mommy’s sorry, I love you so much.

93.

DOCTOR HOLLAND (pulling her away) You can’t help him like this, you are too hysterical, go inside. ATLANTIS No!!! DOCTOR HOLLAND (escorting her away) Plinko doesn’t need you like this, go inside and come back after you have fully calmed down. ATLANTIS I can help! DOCTOR HOLLAND Not like this you can’t. please, go inside.

Now CUT TO:

INT. AQUARIUM - ATLANTIS’S OFFICE She is at her desk searching through thick medical books. Dr. Holland softly knocks on her door and enters with a cup of water and two aspirin. She nervously stands up. ATLANTIS How is he? DOCTOR HOLLAND (handing her the water) It was close there for awhile, but... ATLANTIS But what!? DOCTOR HOLLAND But we think he’ll be fine. ATLANTIS (breathing heavily) Oh thank God, oh my God, I was so scared. She hugs Dr. Holland, he smiles over her shoulder. ATLANTIS Oh thank you... Thank you so much.

94.

DOCTOR HOLLAND (pushing her back a bit) Atlantis sit. He pulls out a chair for her. DOCTOR HOLLAND There is something I have to show you. ATLANTIS (wiping a tear away) What?... Come on what? DOCTOR HOLLAND The security guard gave me this tape. He puts a VHS tape into a nearby VCR. INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN A man wearing a ski-mask and an olympic “warm-up” suit has his back to the camera. The name - “STEVENS” is clearly visible on the back of the suit, with a USA arch, and the famous olympic rings. The man snoops around the dolphin tank, “baby” stepping his way to the water’s edge. The man undoes his “fly” and urinates in the pool. He makes exaggerated, swooping, overdone hip gestures. He shakes off, zips up, and picks up a long pool skimmer, unscrews the netting, and pole-vaults himself over the diving board. He celebrates after landing and runs off screen. CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM - ATLANTIS’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Dr. Holland presses stop on the VCR. DOCTOR HOLLAND Sickening... What reason could he have for doing this to Plinko? ATLANTIS I just can’t believe it... I just can’t believe he would do that. DOCTOR HOLLAND What kind of animal is he?

95.

Atlantis cries into his chest.

He wryly smiles. FADE TO BLACK.

INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM The house is decorated for a party. A banner above reads: “Congratulations Fella - 1000 lbs. Provided”. Hemp, Cat, and Fella are setting out “chips and dips” and appear jovial. Atlantis charges through the front door, slams it violently, and enters the living room. She is out of breath and disoriented. CAT Someone is ready to dominate, unbelievable. HEMP Atlantis you’re here early! Solid! Let’s start boozing. Everyone warmly smiles at Atlantis. ATLANTIS (staring Hemp down) How could you?... How could you?!!! Cat shakes his head at Hemp in disapproval. HEMP Hummm? ATLANTIS (holding back tears) He is a beautiful, innocent creature of God. She covers her face and begins to cry. her shoulder.

Hemp lightly touches

ATLANTIS Don’t touch me!... You are a disgusting animal. HEMP What in the world are you talking about? ATLANTIS Do you honestly think that I am that stupid Hemp? I saw the video.

96.

FELLA Hey, now what he did before you two met is really none of your business. ATLANTIS (looking at Fella, Hemp) What? HEMP What are you talking about? video?

What

ATLANTIS (softly) I just wanted to look into your eyes. I just wanted to see for myself who you truly are. HEMP Atlantis, pretend for one second that I have no idea what you are talking about. ATLANTIS Plinko!? HEMP This is about Plinko? ATLANTIS (beginning to cry again) Yeah! You know what you did to him, you almost killed him. Hemp nervously looks left and right, then pulls Atlantis into the back room and closes the door behind them. CAT Plinko? Fella shrugs his shoulders. CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BACK ROOM/BLACKLIGHT ROOM Hemp is standing between Atlantis and “Copper’s” octagon fish tank. Atlantis sits on a couch.

97.

HEMP What I did to Plinko? Pardon me, but if memory serves, Plinko had his way with me. ATLANTIS And you just couldn’t accept his love. HEMP Accept it?... I can still taste Plinko’s love! CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - FAVORING DOOR TO BACK ROOM Fella and Cat eavesdrop against the back door. one another with confused/concerned faces.

They look at CUT TO:

INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BACK ROOM/BLACKLIGHT ROOM - CONTINUOUS ATLANTIS He was just trying to be affectionate, and you even said that it wasn’t that bad. HEMP Atlantis, whatever you may think happened, didn’t. I would never hurt Plinko in any way... I swear on the souls of all my love children that I would never hurt a fish. ATLANTIS (beginning to believe) Mammal. HEMP Mammal, fish, I would never hurt any creature of the sea. Atlantis smiles as Hemp takes a seat beside her on the couch. She looks into Hemp’s eyes and then turns her head forward and stares at “Copper’s” ridiculously small fish tank. The empty water jug, “NEW TANK FUND”, is even more empty than before. She quickly stands up.

98.

ATLANTIS (yelling in shock) Oh my God! How could you Hemp? HEMP What? She walks over to the tank. ATLANTIS This is how you treat your fish?! She looks back at Hemp, then down to her feet as she begins quickly talking to herself. ATLANTIS (pacing) He did it, I can’t believe he did it. Holland was right all along. HEMP Doctor? What does he have to do with this? ATLANTIS (staring up at Hemp) He’s the only real man I know... And to think I made out with you. Atlantis leaves the room quickly and slams the door behind her. Hemp, staring at the fish tank swings the door back open and screams. HEMP He wasn’t this big when we got him! FADE OUT. INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Hemp, Fella, and Frank are standing amidst a raging party. Hemp slowly sips a beer. HEMP That was it, that was the best I’ll ever do. FRANK Most likely. Hemp stares at Frank sadly, then back ahead.

99.

HEMP Do you think she’ll come back? FRANK (looking around) Did she forget her purse? HEMP (lowering his head) No... Well maybe she d... FELLA (cutting him off angrily) Guy! It’s just a girl, they are all replaceable... An attractive woman walks by as Fella’s eyes follow her. FELLA ... They are all the same dude. Sure, it’s all warm and fuzzy in the beginning, then one day you find yourself somewhere you would never be, doing something you would never do, with people you would never do anything with... All the while, being brainwashed into thinking that she is the best thing that ever came into your miserable excuse for a life. Till, finally you become a bumbling, pathetic, apologetic, imbecile whose terrified to even mention what is truly on his mind. Frank nods approvingly. FELLA And that my friend is how it begins. The raping of your soul... Oh, I know, she was different, she was the one. Trust me, they are all exactly the same with one unified goal in mind, to tame us, to break our spirit, to get us to function in “society”, until we become so demoralized that we look forward to doing something that we absolutely despise. We actually begin to look forward to going to work just so we can get away from them. (MORE)

100.

FELLA(cont'd) They absorb what was once us, and spit out a kinder, gentler, well trained version that their mothers would approve of... FRANK (raising beer, humming) Preach! Preach brother! FELLA My friend, once you join the ranks of the neutered, once you walk this path... you are not seen or heard from ever again... Sure now, here before us, you think you can fight it. You think you can strike this balance no man has ever found. Well I’ve got news for you Ponce de Leon, eventually, you will become exhausted and you will concede. Then you are doomed to walk the earth cursing the youth, despising the free and their enjoyment and lust for life. All of which, may I add, you are so willing to forfeit voluntarily. And for what? So you can get yelled at for forgetting the fish! Pal, I say to you that this egregious cycle of assimilation ends here! And it ends right now! Another female strolls by seductively. Fella follows her with his eyes as well. He takes a sip of his beer. FELLA However, now please for us... Pointing between Frank and himself, handing Hemp a beer. FELLA ... Get drunk... Hands Hemp a joint. FELLA ... Get stoned... Hemp begins to smile as Fella attempts to hand Hemp a condom. FELLA ... And for the love of God, get laid.

101.

A mysterious hand flies into the circle and smacks the condom out of Fella’s hand. Owen appears as he shoots Fella a threatening glance. From his back pocket, Owen pulls out green rubber gloves and a set of laboratory tongs. He picks up the condom with the tongs keeping it far from his body. Owen walks through the crowd. OWEN Make way!!! Make way!!! FADE OUT. FADE IN: EXT. PARKING LOT OF AQUARIUM - DAY Hemp exits his car with a dozen roses and walks towards the entrance approaching a security booth. Behind the booth, a very large poster picturing Hemp’s face during the “dolphin rape” is hung. The word “BANNED” is written across the top. SECURITY GUARD ID please. Hemp hands the man his license.

The guard picks up a phone.

SECURITY GUARD (into the phone) Yeah, he’s here. HEMP Is there a problem? SECURITY GUARD Oh yeah, there’s a problem. You like to hurt dolphins, eh buddy? Four guards come around the corner carrying “Billy” clubs. Hemp drops the roses and runs away. CUT TO: INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BLACK LIGHT/SMOKE ROOM Hemp, Frank, Fella, and Cat are all seated on the couches. Small talk is heard. FRANK (to Hemp) Don’t worry dude, I’m sure someone will think of something.

102.

Hemp looks at Cat for approval. CAT I don’t like our odds. be involved.

I would not

Hemp looks at Fella. FELLA Who cares dude? HEMP I give up, I’ll never see her again. At that moment, Owen bursts through the door. OWEN I know how we are going to solve all of your problems. FRANK (sitting up excited) Oh yeah!? Fella eases Frank back into the couch. FELLA Not you pal. Frank sits back and sighs. HEMP Just forget it!

It’s ov...

OWEN (cutting of Hemp) Woah! I don’t think so. Look pal, we don’t know who this Plinko is or what you did with him, but we just can’t stand you this way! HEMP It just doesn’t matter. OWEN (more feverishly) The cavalry has arrived and judging by the sorry ass look on your face not a moment too soon. We are going to be so strong that we shall be immovable. (MORE)

103.

OWEN(cont'd) We shall gather so much mo, that we will be unstoppable. We are gonna band together so tightly that we shall be impenetrable... HEMP Try telling that to Plinko. OWEN But most of all... we will win! The group begins to show signs of life. OWEN Oh, it shall not be easy. True our buddy has clearly had his season pass from the aquarium revoked. Sure the odds are stacked against him, and of course no one really cares. But we have an opportunity to right a moral wrong, a duty to expose this Jacque Cousteau for what he truly is. A sniveling, conniving foreigner... Owen glances to the edge of the couch where the small Mexican man sits silently holding a fighting cock in both hands. OWEN No offense Juan Pablo. The Mexican man shrugs his shoulders silently. focuses back on the group. OWEN (angrily) And sniveling, conniving foreigners don’t get to trash our olympic heroes now do they fellas?! The rest of the group shakes their heads “no”. OWEN We are the only one’s who can help Hemp rise once again. We are the only one’s... And I know just how we are gonna do it. A pause as Owen peers around the silent room. CAT (nodding emphatically) I could be involved.

Owen re-

104.

The room suddenly has energy. Everyone, but Fella throws a hand into the middle, Hemp begins to smile. OWEN (staring at Fella) A-hem Fella slowly, reluctantly puts his hand in the middle. FELLA United we stand. EVERYONE (raising hands skyward) Woooooh!!! OWEN OK, here’s the plan. TRAINING MONTAGE - A SERIES OF SHOTS Inspirational music swells in volume and plays throughout. OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART I Wearing a World War II military helmet, Owen describes his plan to the group using a crude model consisting of salt n’ pepper shakers, beer caps, and action figures. FRANK THE FILMAKER Frank is shown “cutting and pasting” a film reel together. FELLA THE COMMUNITY PROVIDER Fella making a sly, profitable drug transaction. CAT THE GAMBLER Cat at a dog track cheering on the race. OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART II With lights dimmed and an illuminated overhead projector on, Owen repeatedly slams a long “pointer” into a map of the United States, always striking the Long Island area. Everyone else is seated, taking notes.

105.

OWEN THE EATER Owen and an overweight woman feeding each other. at one another as food drips from their mouths.

They smile

HEMP THE TIMID Hemp and Owen are in the backyard in tight spandex track outfits. Hemp begins jogging in place with his pole in hand. He stops, throws the pole down and runs off. Owen wears a disgusted look on his face. OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART III Owen fielding questions. The music fades, the montage ends. We hear “chatter” growing louder. Owen’s voice rises to the forefront as “real time” once again begins. OWEN ... I can’t stress it enough. I’ve said it time and time again... OK, are there any other questions, because now is the time to ask. Everybody knows their assignment?... Frank? FRANK (in a military tone) My assignment is; I am Hemp’s body double. I am in charge of confusion and discombobulation of the enemy. OWEN Cat? CAT My job is refreshment and hydration supervision. OWEN (nodding in approval) Excellent answer... Gentlemen, tomorrow, like every other day, we make history. FADE OUT.

106.

INT. AQUARIUM - OUTSIDE DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE Atlantis, with her lab coat and glasses on, peeks her head into Dr. Holland’s office as she knocks. ATLANTIS Sebastian, are you here? borrow your computer...

I need to

She notices no one is there as she looks at her watch. She enters the office and goes to sit behind his computer, but as she pulls the chair out, she knocks over a nearby box to the floor. A framed photo falls and breaks with the box. She picks up the now broken wood frame holding it together. The photo is of Dr. Holland and Atlantis smiling arm in arm. Atlantis smiles warmly at the memory. Attempting to fix the frame, she notices the photo is creased. She unfolds the rest of the picture revealing the Polargator who has a big, black “X” over his face. With a concerned look, she filters through the fallen box. Video tapes labeled: “Shark Attacks ‘88, ‘91, ‘96” are discovered. She picks out a video tape that is buried deep in the box. It is labeled: “Plinko”. ATLANTIS Plinko? She inserts the tape into the nearby VCR/TV. starts.

The tape CUT TO:

INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN A close-up of Dr. Holland, wearing the “warm-up” suit, adjusting the security camera. CUT TO: INT. DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE - FAVORING THE DOORWAY Dr. Holland’s young assistant enters the office blindly as he reaches into a brown paper bag. YOUNG MAN (looking up) Here’s your reuben sir...

107.

He stares at Atlantis, at the TV screen, and then back at Atlantis. After an uncomfortable pause, he turns and runs out of the office. Atlantis turns back to the television. CUT TO: INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN Dr. Holland puts on the ski mask, urinates in the pool, and pole-vaults over the diving board. The same video as before, but with the truthful, evidence rich beginning. ATLANTIS (whispering to herself) Son of a gun. Hemp didn’t do it... Son of a gun. CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT - DR. HOLLAND STANDING IN THE DOORWAY Dr. Holland calmly leaning in the doorway, loosely holding a hand-gun. DOCTOR HOLLAND Try son of a bitch. Atlantis turns to him. ATLANTIS (in a frightened tone) Sebastian, you don’t have to do this. I always liked you. DOCTOR HOLLAND (in an agitated tone) Always liked me huh?! More than Plinko? Huh! More than Hemp?! More than your beloved, unfunded Polargator?!!!... Oh I’m so sorry my dear, but didn’t you hear they cut all his funding, bye-bye, so long. I guess he’ll just have to go out into the wild all by himself. Fool probably won’t last a week... And as for you, you’re coming with me. ATLANTIS Where?

108.

DOCTOR HOLLAND To my homeland, to be my wife, to meet mother... Now move it!!! CUT TO: EXT. A PAVED LOT - DAY The group: Hemp, Fella, Owen, Frank, and Cat slowly and confidently walk towards the “screen”. Cat is dressed in the full bunny outfit. They come to an abrupt stop. CUT TO: EXT. REVERSE ANGLE - CONTINUOUS The group is standing in front of a fourteen foot high chain linked fence with barbed wire strewn across the top. In the distance, behind the fence, the aquarium is visible. FELLA (turning to Cat) You had to wear the entire get-up didn’t you? Cat turns his bunny head and stares at Fella in silence. FELLA It doesn’t give you super-powers... You are aware of this? HEMP (to Owen and the group) OK, we’re here... You didn’t say anything about a fence... Did you guys know anything about a fence? FRANK No, I was never told about a fence. Small talk about the fence is heard, as Owen silently studies this latest obstacle. OWEN I’ll take care of the fence. Owen pulls out a large pair of wooden handled, V - shaped wire cutters and puts the blades around a link of fence.

109.

FRANK (touching Owen’s shoulder) You do realize that this is officially illegal? OWEN (looking back at Frank) Frank, we’re here to break rules, not make them. Simultaneously, Owen cuts into the fence. A whaling alarm immediately sounds as the group looks on with shocked faces. 0WEN (dropping the cutters) Oh shit. Owen rips his cell-phone off of his belt and begins screaming into it. OWEN (using the walkie-talkie feature) Scramble! I repeat, scramble! Meet me at the rendezvous point! Everyone reaches for their cell-phones and intently listens to the distress call from Owen. In a panicked mode, everyone takes off in different directions. Cat puts his phone up to his bunny ear, but drops it to the ground. In a frenzy, he bends down to pick up the phone, but instead rams his head into the fence. Trying to right himself, he picks his head back up, but the impact has twisted the bunny head to the side. His fallen cell-phone is heard. OWEN (V.O.) (over cell-phone) Scramble! Scramble! Cat runs full speed in a semi-circle and slams back into the fence, sending him flying back. He stands up spins around and runs directly at the “screen”. CAT (screaming) There was no fence in the plans!!! CUT TO:

110.

EXT. - AQUARIUM - DAY Hemp rounds a corner outside the aquarium. He covers his face with a brochure as security guards run passed him. Alone, he slips into a side door entering the aquarium. CUT TO: INT. - MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT The group minus Hemp are in line at McDonald’s. FELLA (fixing Cat’s bunny head) Let me get this for you. After being straightened, Cat pulls the head off and smiles. FRANK Whose idea was it to meet here anyway? CUT TO: INT. MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT - NEAR CASHIER OWEN ... And I’ll take a number three. CASHIER Super-sized? OWEN You know of another size? CUT TO: INT. AQUARIUM - A HALLWAY The alarm still blares as Hemp tip-toes around the evacuated, dark aquarium. He smacks his nose on a crystal clear glass tank. A shark slithers by the glass as he jumps back terrified. From the shadows, footsteps are heard. Tourin, the custodian, emerges and puts his arm on Hemp’s shoulder. Hemp, still scared, turns to punch whomever, but holds back when he realizes who it is. TOURIN THE CUSTODIAN I knew you’d come back.

111.

HEMP Oh... You could help me. Tourin puts his finger into Hemp’s chest and bends at the knee. TOURIN (bending down) And you could help me. CUT TO: INT. MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT - NEAR CASHIER Owen is standing waiting for his order. He notices an attractive, but overweight woman standing to his right who looks depressed. He slowly approaches her. OWEN You appear distressed... She shrugs her shoulders. OWEN (nodding his head) ... They have taken away the “McRib”... Limited time, limited time. Owen comforts her with a hug when his cell-phone sounds. HEMP (V.O.) (over the cell-phone) Owen, come in, are you there? Hemp.

It’s

OWEN (into his cell-phone) Code names dude! Use the code names. A slight pause. HEMP (V.O.) Come in Injured Flamingo, this is Overflowing River. OWEN Go ahead River, Flamingo here.

112.

HEMP (V.O.) It’s Dr. Holland, he’s got Atlantis and he’s trying to escape with her on the EM50-B. Grab the rest of the team and meet me at the docks behind the aquarium. River out. OWEN Roger River, over and out. Owen puts his cell phone to his side. He pinches the overweight woman by her cheek and shakes it furiously. OWEN Too bad kiddo, we coulda split a twenty piece. She pouts as Owen proudly turns his head and faces the group. OWEN (to the group) Gentlemen. Cat releases a pair of dice against the wall. Fella immediately grabs a hundred dollar bill out of Cat’s hands. FELLA Go fuck yourself douche-bag! OWEN (exiting McDonald’s) Still in it... Still in it!!! Cat staring ahead, seriously, slowly lowers the bunny head on to his head. CUT TO: EXT. BACK OF AQUARIUM - DOCK AREA - DAY Hemp is sprinting down a wooden dock. He comes to a screeching halt as he almost falls into the water. Sharks circle in the water below as a boat, the EM50-B, slowly escapes. On the boat, Dr. Holland holds Atlantis at gun point as he laughs at Hemp. Atlantis screams for Hemp’s help. He looks left and right and notices a shore man using a long metal pole to scrape barnacles off a nearby boat. He snatches the pole from the shore man. SHORE MAN Hey!!!

113.

Hemp runs back down the dock giving himself room. Appearing and faintly glowing in front of Hemp, the great-grandfather’s head, the grandfather, and Hemp’s dad. GREAT GRANDFATHER’S “SPIRIT” You’re a Stevens. GRANDFATHER’S “SPIRIT” Make us proud. HEMP’S DAD’S “SPIRIT” And up again. Hemp nodding, rests the pole on his shoulder and starts his pre-jump ritual. HEMP (circling his hands) Whuuumpph... Whuuumpph... ATLANTIS (V.O.) (screaming) Hemp!... Hemp!!! HEMP Fuck this, no time. Hemp begins his run down the dock gaining speed as he goes. He plants the metal rod and takes off soaring over the circling sharks. As he is parallel to the water, the same small Chinese man from Barcelona pops out from below the deck of the boat and snaps another photo of Hemp. In slow motion, Hemp covers his genitalia with one hand. HEMP (covering himself) Nooooooo!!! As Hemp lands, he simultaneously kicks a shocked Dr. Holland square in the chest sending him backwards as he releases Atlantis. Dr. Holland almost falls into the shark infested waters, but regains his balance. Smiling and laughing with a deranged look on his face, he fires a shot wildly which grazes Hemp’s shoulder. HEMP (screaming in pain) You dick!!!... Fuck!!! Atlantis comforts Hemp as Dr. Holland re-aims his gun.

114.

ATLANTIS (crying) Sebastian don’t do this! He gazes coldly at the two of them. DOCTOR HOLLAND Say good-bye love birds. He squints his eyes and aims his gun. Looking up quickly, Dr. Holland is struck hard in the chest by a fuzzy, pink, bunny head. His arms wrap around the bunny head as the momentum sends him over the side of the boat. He screams as he plummets to the water. CUT TO: EXT. END OF THE DOCKS - CONTINUOUS Fella, Frank, Cat, and Owen are celebrating at the end of the dock. Cat is in the bunny suit, minus the head, and Owen has Copper the fish, hanging around his neck. CAT Yeoooooowww! Fuck you douche-bag! Cat snatches a hundred dollar bill from Fella’s hand as they all continue to celebrate. CUT TO: EXT. EDGE OF THE BOAT AND SURROUNDING WATER - CONTINUOUS Dr. Holland flounders in the water as he is mauled by sharks. Hemp and Atlantis look on at the edge of the boat. Dr. Holland stares at Hemp and nods his head in an upward motion. Hemp nods back, turns and grabs a clip-board hanging nearby and hands it to Dr. Holland. He quickly writes something and hands it back to Hemp. CUT TO: INSERT - CLIP-BOARD The shark attack statistician logo, same as the biannual ball, sits in the top right corner. The paper reads: “SHARK ATTACKS TODAY - 1”, and is signed by Dr. Holland. As Hemp lowers the clip-board, Dr. Holland’s flailing body is in the same position as the shark attack logo. Dr. Holland is then pulled under by the sharks. The moment ends.

115.

ATLANTIS Hemp, are you OK? HEMP (holding his shoulder) Yeah... Actually, I’m great. They stare at one another. CUT TO: EXT. THE DECK OF THE BOAT - MOMENTS LATER Every character from the entire movie are partying on the EM50-B. The geeks from the short film festival, Guy the owner of “ONCE TOUCHED”, etc. The sun shines down on the boat as everyone wears a smile. Owen pours Copper into a giant fish tank. Fella sells a bag of weed to Doctor Stephandu Duprima. Frank walks by video taping everyone. FRANK This is going to be a great movie. Owen feeds the overweight woman from McDonald’s a McNugget, she giggles and Eskimo kisses him. OWEN I got Eskimo pie!!! The Polargator sadly walks off to the side of the boat. Suddenly, he pulls a female Polargator over the side of the boat. She wears a pink bow. CUT TO: EXT. OVERHEAD ANGLE OF THE BOAT - CONTINUOUS Cat dances in the bunny suit, with a hundred dollar bill and a corona in hand. CAT Unbelievable... Unbelievable!!! CUT TO: EXT. BOW OF BOAT - MOMENTS LATER Hemp and Atlantis stare into each other’s eyes. to kiss and laugh holding one another tightly.

They begin

116. Plinko the dolphin hops out of the water making the excited “clicking” noises. Hemp looks over his shoulder with a terrified look on his face as Atlantis laughs. FREEZE FRAME: FADE TO BLACK. THE END HEMP STEVENS