Family Matters Mag Nov/dec

FamilyMatters North Star

™

Nov/Dec

To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered Kids Kids

Discovering Confidence Follow The North Star Become A Premier Partner!

Games & Brain Teasers

Parents

Good Role Models

See Back Cover for More Info

The Blame Game

Appreciative Inquiry

Who We Are

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Our Beliefs

We are three people with a passion for empowering kids; a single mother who decided to do something different than her parents did, her daughter who knows what it is to be an empowered kid and grow into an empowered adult, and a man who found and cared for an abandoned baby on the streets of India when he was a teenager, and still dreams of helping kids. That’s why we’re here every month, to share our passion and offer inspiration. We know that parenting is more than just feeding and protecting. Conscious parenting is about commitment, inspiration, and empowerment. We are here to support you in the parenting process and to support your kids in realizing their full potential.

Our Beliefs • • • •

Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning. Every child is unique and his/her individuality is valuable to the family and to the world. Every child is born with unbounded potential. Every child can have high self-esteem, be self-motivated, and respectful of themselves and others if given the appropriate tools and experiences. • How we treat our toddlers and children today has a direct influence on their self-opinion and the choices they will make as teenagers and young adults of the future. • Parents have the single most important influence on children’s lives. • The future is unlimited when our thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment with our intentions.

Accordingly, As Parents, It Is Our Responsibility To: • • • • •

Support our children’s unique talents and abilities. Foster our children’s innate curiosity and love of learning. Empower our children to make meaningful decisions every day. Remind our children that their futures are full of possibilities. Acknowledge that parenting is as much a learning process for us as for our children.

Table of Contents

Parents

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At a Glance: “ P ” for Parents “ K ” for Kids

6 Conscious Parenting Principles: Good Role Models By Wendy Garrido

8 The Blame Game: Read Aloud By Sue Woodward

10 Teacher & Father By Kurt Hines

12 Guided By NSFM By Tanessa Dillard Noll

14 Appreciative Inquiry By JoAnn Ray

20 EFT Every Night

By Gary Craig EFT Founder

22 “I Am” Affirmations For Self-Esteem

By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

24 Reading Right By Dee Tadlock, Ph.D.

Kids 16 Discovering Confidence By Sophie Frank

22 “I Am” Affirmations For Self-Esteem

By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

26 Games

23 Answers to October’s Games 28 Coloring Page

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From Us to You

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From Us to You Dear Parents & Kids, As some of you may know, NSFM started as a print magazine distributed throughout the Puget Sound area near Seattle, Washington. We have relaunched the magazine online and are excited to announce our new partnership with Life Made Much Easier in creating a phenomenal distribution system.

[email protected]

Did you receive this magazine as a gift from someone else? Imagine, which of your friends, family, and clients would enjoy receiving a complimentary gift of NSFM from YOU? What wonderful advertising for NSFM and a great way to spread the word about conscious parenting. And on top of it all, you can join the LMME affiliate program for free and get paid when you share the magazine. This is a program that works for everyone--so get on board and start sharing the gift of NSFM with your friends, clients, and family. Or, sign up as a premier affiliate at www.MarketingMadeMuchEasier.com and have a banner splashed alongside the magazine to advertise your business or organization to the people you refer to the magazine.

[email protected]

NSFM is thrilled to be working with a dynamic and forward-thinking company, Life Made Much Easier, and look forward to seeing the innovative format they have developed blossom for everyone. Also, NSFM is developing a 26-week parenting program, Turning on Your Child’s GPS, or Guided Path to Success. This will be available December 15 as Christmas gift cards with a delivery starting January 2010. Each month parents and kids will get a 20-minute video on GPS for Kids, as well as a Engage-Aloud to do with your child, which is great support for families and kids.

[email protected]

We thank every one of you who has supported us through the past years and appreciate the wonderful synchronicity that makes all this possible. Abundance flows! Warmest Regards,

The Team at North Star Family Matters P.S.-- Don’t forget to find our four “Follow the North Star” stars hidden in this month’s issue. They look like this: . (But that one doesn’t count!)

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North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec

From You to Us Editor-In-Chief Creative Director Wendy Garrido Managing Editor Sue Woodward Operations Manager Prem Carnot Proofreading Rhonda Stone JoAnn Ray Don Garrido Layout Assistant Laurie Mayer Contributing Writers Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. JoAnn Ray Michelle Rogers-Moore Tanessa Dillard Noll Syandra Ingram Kurt Hines Sophie Frank, age 11 Susan Usha Dermond Gary Craig Sue Busen Empowered Kid Consultants Sasha, 14; Quinn, 5; Mary Margaret, 7; Kevin, 8; Josh, 11; Isabelle, 10; Fisher, 13; Brianna, 9; Beverly, 6; Alyssa, 8; Alison, 13 Conscious Parenting Consultants Wendy Y., Pamela, Laurie, Laura, Jon, Don, Diana, Cindy North Star Family Matters PO Box 7306 Olympia, WA 98507 (888) 360-0303 Midwest Office: 7627 S. Dune Hwy. Empire, MI 49630 (888) 228-4492 www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com

What readers are saying... Note from NSFM: Ty’s original comment, “High Compliments and A Concern” was published in our September issue “From You to Us” section. I was blown away by how you handled my concern about the advertising....You put it out there for all to see.  A very transparent style that is unique!  I will be joyfully passing on your magazine as the best in parenting in the nation!  We read a lot of family magazines and yours is at the highest level of family connection we have ever read! We look forward to our next issue of insightful stories and advice! From The Heart!

Ty, Laguna Beach, CA

I commute for advocacy work and frequently read your superb maga-

zine on the ferry.  The empowerment philosophy runs through every edition; which is what my work is about.  I would like to…brainstorm how I can contribute to your magazine as a writer highlighting parent advocacy…in the work I do with families; it is an uphill battle for special needs parents.... Empowerment is the key to REAL change.

Larry, Port Orchard, WA Riding on the ferry I noticed North Star Family Matters. I would not pick up anything with Family on it, but the photo on the September cover was so beautiful and there was a section called “Games and Brain Teasers,” so I took a copy. Leafing through I found the article on nine types of intelligence. This is something I teach adults, that’s my gift. It saddens me when I see an adult or child who seems passive or hard. Often they think they are not very bright and have not found their inner passion or it’s been deadened, anesthetized. Everyone is gifted, is intelligent, in many ways. So, in teaching adults, I work to show them ways in which they can find and love themselves and thus be in love with life and with all that is. So I thought this is wonderful that a magazine exists informing parents and children about this. What a sign of hope. Tom, Bremerton, WA

I indeed like your magazine a lot--A very conscious way to be a parent. In fact, I gave some of your issues to [a] friend of mine who is [a] teacher in pre-school and she loved it. Olga, Los Angeles, CA

I was at an EFT Master Training in Boston...I loved your magazine and

am wondering if you could send me 25 to distribute to parents, whenever you have a new issue out. Please let me know. I am a licensed counselor and a school nurse.

Linda, Bridgewater, NJ

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Conscious Parenting Principles:

Conscious Parenting Principles

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Good Role Models

By Wendy Garrido

This is the last article in our eight-part series on Conscious Parenting Principles. Find the previous seven articles on our website at www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com Attention ° Emotional Support ° Responsible Choices ° Boundaries ° Independence & Community ° Good Communication ° Encourage Curiosity ° Role Models

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rue Story: Mel is eleven-years old and proudly says, “Well, I’m going to have my baby when I’m sixteen so that I can be a young mother like my cousin!” One of Mel’s role models is her older cousin, Jenn, who is eighteen and pregnant with her second child. How is it that Mel finds Jenn to be a good role model, one that she wants to take after? The fact is Mel’s life isn’t filled with a lot of people who model high self-esteem, healthy boundaries, and respect for self or others. Jenn is all she has to look up to and Mel hasn’t learned to discern between people who are making healthy choices and those who aren’t. The stereotypical role model is someone who possesses qualities we like, who inspires us to be more like them, and hopefully a better person. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and we want to encourage our kids to recognize

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both sides of a person instead of idolizing anyone. While Mel might have fewer positive role models in her life than children in some families, we don’t have to look far to see “role models” who may not exemplify our values or priorities. As conscious parents, our purpose is to help our children learn to identify the healthy and unhealthy decisions people make, and then choose the healthy choices for themselves. It’s our job to create an environment that encourages discussions that clue us in to who and what is influencing our children, as well as what they are learning from their experiences. The people who hold significant roles in their lives, whether family members, celebrities, or peers­­, can be vehicles to engage kids in discussion. Make it a habit to ask your child’s opinion about who she thinks makes good decisions. Why does she think that? What areas does this person have room to grow in? Listen to her without arguing or objecting

finished “growing up” once you had a child. You may have realized by now that our children are often our best lesson in life. They notice how we react, what we say, and, especially, what we do. They push us to look internally, reflect upon our actions, and be our grandest vision of ourselves. Our kids are still kids, but within all of us “grown ups” is the child we once were. While it may be many years since you paid much attention to the

memories of your childhood, your own children will bring you face-to-face with your childhood baggage. Recollect all the times your childhood intuition told you that you were not to blame, that an injustice had occurred, that someone had good intentions or not, or that people around you were in denial. As you consider the role model you want to be for your children, listen to that child within and be the role model that you wished you had had when you

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Conscious Parenting Principles

to her perceptions. Then share your perspective. What are some characteristics you define as part of a “good” role model? Healthy boundaries? Good communication? High self-esteem? Respect for self and others? If you want your child to model these traits, do your best to demonstrate them yourself and be frank about which areas of life you think may not be your child’s best role model. And, let’s be honest. In spite of all the years of “wisdom” we think we have over our children, none of us is perfect. As parents, being a positive role model doesn’t mean hiding our fears, anxieties, or mistakes from our children, nor does it mean telling them how they should live their lives based on what we learned from our own mistakes. After all, just which one of your parents’ past experiences did you learn from? As much as we might think our kids would be better off if they just listened to our advice, the truth is that we all learn from what we observe with our own senses and intuition. It’s futile and detrimental to expect our children to learn from our mistakes and deny them the right to have their own experiences. The best way to be a healthy role model for our children is to be conscious of and acknowledge our vulnerabilities and mistakes. Kids learn from what they see us doing and demonstrating in our interactions with them and others. When we are honest with ourselves, we teach them to do the same. When we express our struggles in healthy ways we give children the right to express theirs. When you’ve said or done something you’re not proud of, acknowledge your feelings with your child and discuss how you would have liked to have responded differently. If the word or action was directed at your child, apologize and let her know that she never deserves that treatment from anyone. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and will try to do things differently next time. Perhaps you thought that you had

The Blame Game

Empowered Families

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Read this article out loud with your kids and see what they think!

By Sue Woodward

“Positive emotional habits…help kids meet challenge with optimism and vigor and respond to other people with openness and joy.” -Priscilla Vail, M.A.T.

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came home from school and took my dog Magic for a walk in the woods. It was a beautiful fall day and we had so much fun. She loves to chase squirrels and roll in the leaves. When we got home, we headed to the kitchen, part of our daily routine, where I gave Magic a biscuit and poured myself a glass of juice. My mom walked in from work and mumbled, “Hi, Char. How did your day go?” “Great. How was yours?” She must have had a rotten day because she just turned and walked away muttering! Usually we sit down and chat. Maybe she’s mad at me. Then, Aiden, my younger brother, started blasting his music from his bedroom, the rap music that I can’t stand. All of a sudden my great day started turning gray. Then, to top it off, I heard my mom yell, “Aiden, turn off that music. I have a headache.” I was feeling so good until they ruined my day. I felt angry and frustrated, so I went to my room and slammed the door. I am sick of this. How could my great day get turned around in just an instant? I decided to try this thing my counselor taught me because, after all, it couldn’t hurt! I tapped on the side of my hand and

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said, “Okay, even though I feel lousy, I completely and totally accept myself. It isn’t easy to accept myself now that I feel frustrated but I will try. Even though I’d rather blame them, they aren’t even here now and I still feel lousy.” Soon I started feeling better. I had been having a great day and their moods didn’t have to ruin mine! I decided to call Ana and see if she wanted to go tree climbing. On the way out I yelled to my mom, “I hope you feel better. Love you. How about we catch up when I get home?” Char blamed her mom and brother for her reactions, her mom blamed Aiden, work, and her headache, and who knows what Aiden’s problem was?! They were all playing the Blame Game. Who is responsible for our emotional reactions? We are! In fact, how we react and what we think are the only things we truly have control over. Char might be used to and expect to have a good conversation with her mom when she gets home. When it doesn’t happen, she reacts. But Char has a choice. She can deal with her own reactions, or she can try to change the way her mom is. Which do you think is easier?

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Emotional Responsibility Quiz

We learn to interpret the world based on our childhood experiences, and unless we consciously address them, they may continue throughout our lifetime. Take this quiz to see how your past experiences and present reactions tie together. 1. If your father gets angry at you, do you think…?” a) “I must be a really terrible person for him to get so mad at me…” b) “Why does he always have to make me feel so guilty?” c) “Yikes, he must have had a bad day because he’s sure acting angry and irrational.” 2. When you do poorly on a test, do you think…? a) “I knew it--I’m too dumb for this class!” b) “That test was way too hard, nobody could have gotten it right.” c) “It was harder than I expected but if I had studied more I could have done a lot better.” 3. When your partner is upset because you forgot to pick the kids up from soccer, do you think…? a) “I guess I really am terrible. How could I forget my own children?!” b) “You just don’t get it! I have so much to do, you’re always nagging me!” c) “Wow, I guess I had more on my plate than I realized. I’ll have to keep better track of the commitments I make so this doesn’t happen again.” 4. Your boss or teacher comes into your office or class steaming mad because you missed an important deadline or assignment. Do you think…? a) “Geez, I did it again. I’m terrible at this.” b) “It’s your fault! You’re always putting pressure on me so I can’t get anything done!” c) “Gosh, I wonder how I let that one slip by! It’s too bad because I know that was important to you. I’ll do what I can to help now, but unfortunately, I can’t go back in time.”

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If you answered mostly As, you have a tendency to buy into the idea that you’re responsible for other people’s happiness or unhappiness. Perhaps people expected you to be responsible for keeping them happy, or you might have some low self-esteem that keeps you from knowing your value. Look back to your childhood and see if you remember being told, “You shouldn’t say that. It might hurt his feelings.” Let your new mantra be: “I am responsible for how I act. I am not responsible for how others react.”

B

If you answered mostly Bs, you tend to blame other people instead of looking inside yourself. Your challenge is to stop blaming others for how you react and instead start acknowledging and taking responsibility for your own feelings. Think back to your childhood to see if there were times when your parents conveyed the message that it was never your fault, that you couldn’t have helped it. As needed, remind yourself: “I am responsible for how I feel. No one else is to blame.”

C

If you answered mostly Cs, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on taking responsibility for your own emotions without accepting the blame that other people might place on you. Discuss your thoughts with your kids and keep things going well with a Stop the Blame Game at your house.

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Empowered Families

Emotions are a product of our past experiences and beliefs, brought to life by something that is happening now. We expect and want certain things to happen and when they don’t we have an emotional reaction. All negative emotions are simply resistance to what is. Feelings like anger, sadness, or frustration aren’t bad, they just feel bad and there’s a reason for that. They’re asking us to pay attention to the conflict within us. It’s like a tug of war between how we’d like things to be and how they really are. So the goal isn’t to just stop feeling angry, hurt, or sad, it’s to adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that we can grow, adapt, and make sense out of what happens and how it affects us. When we feel better about ourselves and our lives, we can then reach out to others in compassionate and caring ways. Imagine if your whole family decided to stop blaming anyone else for their own anger, sadness, anxiety, or frustration. You and your family are an emotional team. Developing healthy emotional interactions and boundaries at home equips us with a safe platform to venture out in the world. A strong emotional family team is becoming more and more essential for the busy lives we live as it can drastically help us reduce overall stress levels, which results in better health in body, mind and spirit. If your mother is angry at you, you can look her in the eye and lovingly say, “You’re really angry but I am not responsible for your anger, Mom. I love you. Is there anything I can do to help?” Sometimes when we start to end the Blame Game, it is hard enough just to say, “I am not responsible for your anger,” let alone ask how we can help. Take it a step at a time and remember the goal is to be able to reach out when others are in pain, instead of taking on their pain! Now imagine your mom stops blaming you too! “Jeremy, I am really angry. Not angry at you, just angry. pg. 11

Reflections of a Stay-at-Home Dad

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Teacher & Father Look for Kurt’s article every month as he shares his experiences raising his three kids as a stay-at-home dad.

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ast month I received an enjoyable visit from the editors of this fine magazine.  (I think that they wanted to see if I really had the family that I write about!)  We had several conversations that inspired me with future topics for articles.  One such topic arose when Wendy, who was a student of mine in my first teaching job nearly twenty years ago, asked me how being a stay-at-home dad of three kids is different from being the only teacher of eight kids in a small, one-room, mixedage private school.  As I considered the differences, I realized that almost all my difficulties parenting are wrapped up in the answer to this particular question.  It has to do with the intensity of my emotions, or to say it another way, it’s about the strength of my own reactions and my resistance to the words or actions of my children. With a degree in child development, I have a reasonable understanding that part of a child’s “job” is to discover who they are in the world.  Children need to test, question, and push the limits they encounter in order to understand which limits are truly important and which are not.  It is how we learn and evolve--it is human nature.  Although I know logically that my children are no different than others in this regard, I seem to hold them to higher standards.  Of course, this doesn’t have anything to do with them, it’s simply that I am more emotionally vested in my own children and, therefore, I react to what they do with a personal charge.  I suppose this charge is a reflection of my past and an extension of myself.  If I am in a grocery store watching someone else’s child have a temper tantrum, I might understand that the child is tired or experiencing sensory overload.  I’d feel for the parent and notice how his/her actions are helping or hindering the child’s peaceful resolution of her feelings.  Most likely I might evaluate their parenting skills, or lack thereof.  On the other hand, if my child has a tantrum in the grocery store, I see it as a personal attack and affront on me.  In

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By Kurt Hines

my mind, it seems that he is just trying to manipulate me.  All the thoughts and reactions I experience during these times revolve around me--how his reactions make me feel, how they affect me, what this experience says about me.  It is much more difficult for me to stay connected to the objective knowledge that “I am not responsible for how others react, including my children!”  As a teacher I was able to emotionally separate myself from my class, but as a parent I find it is much more challenging, especially as the primary caregiver in our home.  I imagine that I am just like the many stay-at-home moms who have done this for years.  I perceive my own “success” by the “success” of my family.  According to this reasoning, I am the one at home, therefore, I am the one responsible for how the kids behave. So, there is the difference between a class of children and my family of children.  The difference is me.  As a teacher, I could easily step back and disengage from most emotional reactions, and yet, as a parent, I take responsibility for my children’s reactions, rather than my own.  I am doing the best I can at being a stay-at-home dad and I have three wonderful kids.The more aware and responsible I am for my own reactions, rather than focusing on their actions, the more my kids will learn to do the same. I need to be more patient and tolerant with myself, and remember that my children are not me, and I am not them.  Our role as parents is to support, guide, and empower our children so they can step out into the world as confident, capable young adults who feel secure in who they are.  Most importantly, we want to remember that, as a family, we are a team of unique individuals who are capable of being responsible for our own actions and reactions.  Having discovered this difference in perspective, I think it will be a little easier for me to take a step back and start to see my children as the wonderful, independent little individuals that they are.  I will love them more and judge them less, just like I did with those kids in my class.

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something that made you feel so sad, angry or scared that you just froze?

We spend much of our lives wishing and waiting for people and circumstances to change, to be “just right” so that we can feel good. Remember these four steps to SPOT your reactions: Stop Engaging: When people are angry, blaming you, or just mean you don’t have to defend yourself. Instead, pay attention to your reactions and get yourself back to feeling balanced. “You sound really angry and I am not responsible for your anger.” It feels so empowering! Then, we can reach out to help them. Pay Attention To Your Reactions: I feel sad when Sam is angry at me. I’m afraid he won’t like me. I want to let go of this sadness so I can be his good friend when he needs me. Open Up To Releasing Your Negative Emotions: Even though I feel afraid, I completely and totally accept myself. Just because Jana isn’t my friend anymore doesn’t mean Sam will act that way. (Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is the best thing we’ve found to do this, but other things might work for you too;Yoga, journaling, AbrahamHicks activities, an NVC empathy session, breath-work, NLP, reframing, etc.) Take The Time To Reach Out With Love: “Sounds like you are really angry, Sam. You are my best friend. Let me know how I can help.” Patiently keep the door open to reconnect and support others, while keeping your emotional balance. Whoever or whatever is triggering us has something to teach us about ourselves. When we stop saying “It’s your fault” and instead say, “How can

I grow from this?” we open ourselves up to personal growth, opportunity, and happiness. We can then find our emotional balance and know that if we are responsible for how we feel, we can then reach out to others with love, compassion, and understanding. Instead of engaging in their anger, we meet their anger with love. Of course there are times it is healthier to walk away and give people time to calm down. Emotional and physical violence are not acceptable, nor does anyone ever deserve it. It’s important to separate yourself from the negative emotions someone blames you for. You are never the cause, simply the trigger. The goal is to get back in balance so you can actually listen, empathize, and help meet the other person’s needs from a balanced place. We spend much of our lives wishing and waiting for people and circumstances to change, to be “just right” so that we can feel good. The truth is that we need to adapt and adjust our internal mechanisms as we learn to accept what is and figure out how to enjoy life. It’s not about the situation but rather about the thoughts and emotions that take place inside of us. When we feel angry, scared, or anxious it drains the energy right from us. The body starts doing all kinds of things to put us on high alert! There’s a problem! Do something! We are much more powerful than just our brain and body. We are full of intelligence. We are spiritual beings and how we believe may just be more important than what actually happens. Instead of arguing, blaming, or yelling, we simply state, “I am not responsible for how you feel.” And then figure out what this is teaching you about yourself. When we stop saying “It’s your fault” and instead say, “I am responsible for my reactions,” we eliminate judgment and create a common foundation for our Family Team to support each other in the Game of Life.

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Empowered Families

I know you aren’t responsible for how I react, but I need to calm down before we talk about this.” Reactions and thoughts are part of life, as they reflect who we think we are and how we feel about ourselves. They are wonderful signs of where we need to grow as people. Feelings are an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others in healthy ways. Acting on anger, hurt, or fear typically just makes more anger, hurt or fear, but acknowledging how we feel and adjusting our internal mechanisms, helps us let go of the Blame Game. It is hard enough to take responsibility for ourselves, let alone think we are responsible for how other people react! We can’t change the outside world, all we can do is change how we think and act, and when we do, miracles happen. When we believe we are more than just our thoughts and reactions, we begin to go with the flow of life and become a beacon for others. “Faced with frustration, despair, worry, sadness, or shame, kids lose access to their own memory, reasoning, and the capacity to make connections.” --Priscilla Vail, M.A.T. Not only do we feel bad when we get stuck in our negative emotions, but they actually stop us from thinking as well. Did you know that your memory is worse and you have more trouble figuring things out if you’re sad, frustrated, angry, scared, or worried than if you’re in a good mood? You think more clearly when you’re in a good mood because negative emotions are roadblocks that actually change the way your brain works. This means that instead of trying to “fix” the situation when we’re upset, (which we can’t always do anyhow) we are better off addressing our thoughts and how we feel. We’ll do much better on a test if we’re feeling safe and relaxed than if we’re feeling scared or anxious. We can figure out better solutions to meet everyone’s needs when we’re not angry or frustrated. Do you remember

Guided By NSFM

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Guided By NSFM

Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she shares her experiences raising her 11-month-old son, Guy, on the tools and insights offered in our magazine.

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n last month’s column I committed to trying EFT to release my pent up sadness, anger, and fear. I wanted to let go of these emotions, so they would not impact my son today or later in life. The exercise promised to offer me great benefits as well. How much better of a parent—and person—would I be if I could release negative emotions and make room for positive, healing ones? Nearly all of the negative issues I identified had to do with how I thought people perceived or treated me— people not liking me, judging me, not being available, not listening, supporting, understanding, etc. I felt rejection, for example, when I reached out to friends with a phone call, email, or invitation, but received no response. So during my tapping sessions I’d say, “Even though _____ doesn’t return my calls, I am a good person.” Stating the phrase reminded me of how I set an intention when I practice yoga. I varied the beginning of the phrase and, for the ending, continued to focus on the reality that I am a good person. Along the way, I became more aware that I actually continue to contact the people who aren’t “available.” Soon I started to think differently. I realized I could focus on the people in my life who were reaching out to me. I quickly

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By Tanessa Dillard Noll

let go of my sadness and embraced the joy in these relationships. As the month went on, each of the issues I had identified as problems came to the surface. No matter what the issue, it seemed there was some simple solution to release my negative experiences and make room for revealing positive ones. After my EFT sessions, I felt immediate relief from judgment and rejection. Rather than remain stuck in sadness, anger, and fear, I was able to see opportunities to create new outcomes in my life. Day by day, the issues mattered less, and I felt like an awesome person. I celebrated every success from happily giving my son Guy a bath to meeting another mom for a walk. I believe EFT helped me release the negative emotions that were preventing me from feeling empowered. Everyday my little one is growing in some new way. He speaks a new word, responds to a request, or creates some new game to entertain himself—like finding a cardboard box to climb in and out of. (I meant to recycle it weeks ago, but now it has become as special to him as any toy!) I have noticed that Guy is most curious about the things that interest his father and me. He wants to “play” with Mommy’s books, papers, and pens. He wants to strum

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Guided by NSFM

Daddy’s guitar or press buttons on the TV at the most exciting moments of a program. We are learning daily to welcome him into our world, while setting healthy boundaries. For instance, I trade my book that he wants to tear the pages out of for a newspaper he can gladly destroy. If he starts banging on Daddy’s guitar with the phone, Daddy might take the instrument and entertain him with a song or take the phone away. There is plenty of give and take these days, along with more open lines of communication and loads of laughter. In the latest issue of NSFM, “Keeping on Track,” the article about trauma and its impact on the brain touched me on many levels. The greatest lesson for me was that we can never predict what might traumatize a child. I know these first six years are crucial for Guy’s development. I plan to nurture him and protect him in everyway I can, while at the same time empowering him to discover who he is while he explores the world. Sooner or later, he’s sure to experience something that hurts or upsets him. My job will be to help him release these negative emotions. Good thing I’m practicing on myself now!

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th son, Guy

Author, Tanessa, wi

About the Author: Tanessa Dillard Noll is a stay-athome mom who lives in Belfair, WA. Before motherhood, she worked with kids of all ages as a tutor, mentor, chat room monitor and teacher. She has degrees in communications and teaching.

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Conscious Parenting

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Appreciative Inquiry

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ppreciative Inquiry (AI) is based on an idea that many of us are already familiar with— that what we focus upon tends to increase. Founded in the business world1, AI explores current successes and how they happened instead of focusing upon problems. Emphasizing success helps recreate the excitement and passion of those events and motivates everyone to discover new ways to make peak experiences a more frequent occurrence. If we count the times we fail, we increase our chances of failing, but if we concentrate on the occasions when we achieved our goals, we enhance our chances of success. What we focus upon interacts with our beliefs to structure our personal reality, giving us permission to create what we see as possible. Appreciative Inquiry is a powerful tool for empowering families, because each person’s ideas are equally considered. Focusing on what is working well helps move the group along as both parent and child contribute and explore their dreams for improving the day, activity, or their family. It can be applied to any situation between children, parents and children, partners, or with an entire extended 1

By JoAnn Ray

family. Imagine the strength of focusing on what we appreciate about our partner! One of the best uses for Appreciative Inquiry in families may be in family meetings. (Read more about C2: Connective Communication Family Meetings on our website.) Asking appreciative questions helps everyone understand what is special about the family and encourages them to enjoy their best memories. There are four steps or “4 Ds” which guide the questioning process.

Appreciative Inquiry to Plan a Family Vacation Discovery Appreciate the best of “what is.” This may be accomplished by sharing stories, figuring out what made these times special, who was involved, how it all unfolded. Javonna and her mother, Katherina, are planning their yearly vacation with Aunt Dorie and Jav’s cousins Mikel and Jillian. Aunt Dorie just finished AI training and is leading the discussion and begins “discovery.” “Would you guys try this new thing I learned? It might help us plan our vacation better this year.” Everyone agrees, so she says, “Each of you think about

Cooperrider, D. L., Whitney, D. & Stavros, J.M. (2003). Appreciative inquiry handbook, Bedford Heights, OH: Lakeshore Publishers.

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Dream Make wishes. What might be? Develop a vision of what is desired by clarifying what’s important and defining the possibilities: What could it be like in the

future? What is really important? Can we see that future? Aunt Dorie moves the family to the Dreaming phase. “Pretend it is September and this year’s vacation was the most perfect vacation ever. What would you say when someone asks, ‘What did you do last summer?’” “I’d like to say that I went trout fishing and rock climbing.” “Oh, we rock climbed at school this year. I’d like to do that too, but to tell you about the most perfect vacation, I’d really like to have ridden horses along the beach.” “I’d like to paint the seaside.” “I want to rent a beautiful cottage right on the beach and see the sunset every night with a hot tub on the deck.” Everyone has a chance to tell their wishes and there is a long list of vacation possibilities, much longer than ever before. Everyone is excited, remembering peak experiences. With all this information available now, the family has a new vision of what is possible for their vacation.

get there? Should they drive or fly? What’s the cost of driving compared to flying? Who will look up places to stay? Who wants to see what arrangements need to be made ahead of time for any of the activities? Empowering kids to get involved in the logistics of planning helps everyone take responsibility for what they want and how they can get it. Appreciative Inquiry helps us focus on success, accept statements without judgment, and appreciate each person’s viewpoint. It gives everyone a voice from a successful place of importance, and allows families to work Design What is possible? Recognize together as a team, as their excitewhat needs to happen to make past ment and enthusiasm create more successes and visions a reality. What’s options than ever before. So, next important to each individual? Set new time you’re faced with trying to make directions. a decision to please everyone—mayRecognizing what is important, the be as you coordinate plans during this family considers the new ideas and holiday season—think of Appreciative makes a mutual decision, which is a Inquiry. It’s guaranteed to make the major change from the arguing last decision-making process more fun. year. Let us know when you decide to “Let’s look for a cottage on the use Appreciative Inquiry and tell us coast! Mikel can go deep-sea fishing, how it goes. Call (888) 360-0303 or Jillian can ride horses, Jav can watch e-mail feedback@northstarfamilymatwhales, and Katherina can soak for ters.com. hours in a hot tub. We can have it all; and that would be perfect.” About the Author:

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Destiny Make the change. The group begins to take the steps to make the vacation happen. They divvy up tasks. Who will figure out how far it is and how long it takes to

JoAnn Ray has her Ph.D. in Social Welfare. She taught at Eastern Washington University and worked in the social work field with women and children.

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Conscious Parenting

the best vacation you have ever had. Why was it the best? What did you do, and how did you feel?” Javonna starts out, “My favorite vacation was at the Oregon Coast. Jillian and I loved counting whales. And even Mikel and I got along and didn’t fight.” Jillian adds, “Mmmmm…I loved the fudge at the coast. But my best ever vacation was going riding in Montana. I loved learning to ride better.” “How about you Mikel?” “Last year’s vacation was terrible. It rained and everybody just sat around in the cabin. I’d rather stay home.” “It sounds like you were really disappointed, Mikel,” Mikel nods, “It wasn’t any fun.” Aunt Dorie acknowledges how Mikel feels and helps him refocus on another vacation. “It sounds like last year was not a good vacation for you. What was the last vacation you really loved?” “Fishing on the lake with my friends, when we went to Copper Canyon.” Katherina’s was a painting workshop. Dorie’s favorite vacation was hiking in Yellowstone. With so many different answers, Aunt Dorie wonders, “What now?” Remembering the AI approach, she responds to their input with appreciation. “I’m really glad we could come up with so many good vacations. Thanks for sharing your ideas and staying focused on the vacations you loved. Can we find anything common in the ones we liked? Things that we would want to dream into this vacation?” “Everyone seems to like doing something, an activity,” Jillian says. “The best vacations seem to be filled with doing something new, except fishing,” adds Katherina. “And a chance to do things with people we like,” says Mikel.

Discovering Confidence

Empowered Kids

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By Sophie Frank

This story was submitted to us by Sophie Frank, age 11. She dreams of becoming an author and we are proud to have been the first to publish her work.

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s soon as she walked through the doors of Randolf Pedinsky Middle School, we all knew she was bringing something extraordinary. Little did I know what she would bring my way. All through the day we heard her name whispered between classes, a buzz among the students. “Destiny! Have you seen her?” I was dying to see this new sixth grader, Destiny, and discover just what was so special about her. At lunch I had my chance. Glancing around the room, I immediately knew who she was. I sat down next to my best friend Charlotte. We were both amazed that Destiny, unlike Charlotte, myself or any normal sixth grader, seemed perfectly calm on her first day of school. Destiny stood proud and tall as she waited in the lunch line. She smiled a wonderful smile and said pleasantly, “Thank you!” to the lunch lady, who unceremoniously dropped the nasty mystery food onto her plastic tray with a shocked look on her face. This was the first person to have ever thanked her! I admired Destiny for her confidence and wished I could be like her instead of the shy girl that I was. Destiny had shiny black hair and sparkling green eyes. She wore a bright green top, a purple knit poncho,

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striped brown shorts, and cowboy boots—quite unlike our typical attire of jeans, t-shirts, and flip-flops. She walked proudly to an empty table, seemingly not caring that everyone in the cafeteria was staring at her. How I longed to be her friend, to simply walk over and ask her if she wanted to come over to my house after school. But, as usual, I didn’t have the nerve. My fear of becoming the talk of the entire school was another reason I never seemed to put my tempting thoughts into action. I wasn’t comfortable being the center of attention. I looked up suddenly from behind my book as Charlotte stood up and, without any hesitation, walked over to Destiny’s empty table, and cheerfully said, “Hi, I’m Charlotte.” I couldn’t believe it! Next thing I knew she nodded to me as if to cue me to get up, walk over, and introduce myself. I could hear her whisper to me earnestly, “Come on, Jenny!” I just sat there looking like a cold stone statue, pretending not to hear what she said. After a while, when I thought she had stopped insisting, I peeked out from behind my history book and saw Destiny and Charlotte engaged in conversation. I felt like I had swallowed a rock! My eyes started to well up with tears but I would not let myself cry on my first day of middle

Shadow Drive? I had no idea why a person would name a street Dremteresta Lane. I decided to think about that on my short walk home and ignore my rough day at school. I walked up the steps to my front porch and swung open the heavy door. My sister and brother were already home, since high school got out earlier. I dropped my backpack in the mudroom, and hugged my dog Randy as he bounded up to me. Then I walked into the kitchen where my mom was washing dishes. She looked up and gave me a granola bar as she asked, “How was your day?” “Fine,” I answered. “What do you mean by fine? Is something wrong?” she asked. “No, nothing,” I replied. That was when I learned two things. 1) Never say “nothing” to your parents because they will know something is going on. 2) You can tell your parents anything because they are always there to listen to you. So I told her about Charlotte, Destiny, and Sam Gerber. She looked thoughtfully for a few seconds then said, “It sounds like you had a terrible day at school. Why don’t you take some time to do something nice for yourself?” I had no idea what she meant. She whipped out a pen and paper and said, “Now, what do you want to do today that would make you feel better? ” I stood there awkwardly still confused. She laughed and said, “In order to change, you have to accept yourself for who you are now. So, what feelings do you want to change?” “Why do I need to change?” I asked still unsure. Mom laughed again, “ Because if you are going to be friends with Destiny you obviously need to get rid of your sad, frustrated, lonely feelings so that you can be your wonderful, sparkling self that I know and love.” I finally understood.

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school. I got up and rushed to the bathroom feeling left out and deserted by my best friend. The bell rang, signaling the start of the afternoon classes in five minutes. I rushed to my English class, avoiding Charlotte, who was standing near my locker. After school, as I waited in the line at the bus stop, I caught a glimpse of shiny black hair alongside Charlotte’s strawberry blonde hair. Charlotte had seen me and had shouted, “Hey Jenny! I want you to meet…” but I screamed back, “Bye! I have to run,” almost before she could say anything else. I hopped on the bus and the doors closed behind me, giving me a barrier from my fear. I went to the back of the bus and sat down in a vacant seat next to Sam Gerber. He looked at me and laughed, “So I guess your best friend ran off without you.” I looked at him and, as usual, said nothing. I had never really paid much attention to Sam Gerber, unlike most of the girls who trailed after him all day, sometimes even sneaking into his classes! Now that I had a good look at him, I saw what a clean face he had, and big eyes; he must have an easy life. After all, it was clear he didn’t have any reasons to feel shy or awkward. I sat in silence thinking to myself, trying to ignore Sam’s remark. But then he said something else. “Does it bother you that Charlotte likes Destiny better than you?” Finally I hissed a ferocious, “Keep quiet!” and surprisingly he didn’t say another word. I knew it was mean, but at the time I was so sad and angry I just didn’t care. I was relieved when the bus jerked to a halt in front on my street and I hoped I could escape the caged, trapped feelings that invaded me, even on the bus. I got off the bus and glanced at the blue sign in front of my street. It read: Dremteresta Lane. What a weird name. Why couldn’t it be called Violet Fields Road or Secret

“So what would make you feel better?” she asked again. I remembered taking one of those cheesy Internet quizzes last month, titled What Is Your Hang Out Style? I said, “That’s it!” I told my mom about the quiz and then said, “I need to pamper myself tonight.” “Okay then, I’ve got it!” said mom. She came up with the idea of the best-smelling most-foaming bath ever. I hurried upstairs to search the bathrooms for that great Bath & Body Works stuff I knew we had. Five minutes later I came out of the bathroom carrying a huge pile of everything with the word “bath” on its label. I walked into the bathroom where my mother had the hot bath water started and I squeezed, sprinkled, and poured all these wonderful nuggets into the water until the entire room smelled of rosemary, strawberries, apples, peaches, and pg. 19

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A Note From The Creator of

Hi,

my name is Till Schilling and it is my intention to bring EFT to children everywhere. Over and over again I have noticed that the real fears and obstructions in adults rest in childhood events. I want to encourage everybody, parents, grandparents, and therapists, to address these events with children using EFT. TappyBear was originally created with children in mind. In fact, TappyBear was developed by my children! My two beautiful and emotionally-gifted daughters, Maria Christina and Anna Daniela helped make all the decisions about TappyBear. Should his ears be straight or curved? What color should his eyes be? How big should he be? Should we give him “knees” or straight legs? Anna and Christina use TappyBear to teach EFT to their friends, making learning the tapping points a breeze. The basic concept of EFT is so easy that a seven-year-old can use it effectively with themselves, their friends, and even pets. Kids have a magical understanding of the connectedness of the world and they make the best of it. EFT is as easy as a game, yet the lesson stays with them forever. No matter how many kids I teach EFT to, the gratefulness in their eyes and that sigh of relief that I see always leaves me joyfully tearyeyed. EFT works wonders when used on oneself, but its true power shines when it’s used in a team of two. TappyBear has shown to be an effective EFT companion. Kids create the setup phrase, and then tap on themselves and TappyBear. Just by focusing on the issue and being aware of the new aspects that come up, their negative emotions dissolve. In other words, the child feels better! Originally, we designed TappyBear as a teaching tool and a tapping guide for using EFT for children, but it’s proven to be equally as effective for adults. Hundreds of adult TappyBear owners have welcomed EFT into their world and discovered the value of a tapping buddy for those difficult moments in their lives. We all know that the most powerful change happens when it is started from within. The combination of desire (or desperation) to change, connected with the vision of something different stirs up magic. If your goal is personal change

and you want to let go of the fear that is holding you back, EFT is the answer to your prayers and TappyBear is the best tool for EFT. Use TappyBear with any EFT DVDs. computer programs, or books that attract your interest. Almost on a monthly basis new materials are published to address various themes in the EFT world of possibilities. There are already learning materials for using EFT for weight-loss, abundance, eyesight improvement, relaxation techniques, and anxiety, among others. Or, simply follow along with TappyBear as you watch instructional videos such as the Introduction to EFT DVD from the www.MasteringEFT. com website. This holiday season, think of a TappyBear when you’re looking for that special gift. (Or when you’re feeling overwhelmed and wishing for a way to feel better!) Fondly,

P.S.—

Till Schilling

TappyBear instantly turns into an object of affection and confidence for parents and kids alike. The more you tap with it, the closer the bond. It’s not unusual for EFT practitioners to order new bears because clients have grown so fond of “their” bear, or for a wife to order a second bear for her husband because she wants the first one all to herself. So order one today for yourself or for the child in your life, and don’t worry, there will still be more available if you decide you need one all to yourself.

www.TappyBear.com

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“Hi, I’m Jennifer.” “Hi Jennifer, I’m Destiny. But I guess everybody in this school knows

Somehow, all the things I did the night before were fun, but when I thought about the situation at school, my feelings hadn’t changed at all. I realized that in order to really change my feelings, I had to deal with the situation instead of distracting myself. my name by now.” “Yah,” I said. Uh oh, something was not working. I saw all those eyes on me, staring attentively trying to catch each word so they could share the gossip with their friends…and their friends…and their friends. Feeling the tears welling in my eyes, I said, “I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back.” As I rushed into the bathroom, the entire 8th grade clique seemed to have beaten me there. All of them were looking in the mirror putting on loads of lipstick. I ran into a stall crying silently. Why hadn’t Mom’s plan worked? I had such a good night doing so many fun things, but today I hardly felt any different than yesterday! I thought of the clique; of those three girls by the mirror. What were their names again? Oh yeah – Elaine, Felicia, and Tory. “The EFT Girls,” they called themselves... Wait a minute. EFT? Why hadn’t I thought of it before? Out of my backpack I grabbed my mini TappyBear, the one that my mother had given me on my 12th birthday. I whispered and tapped away until I felt better, gradually gaining confidence until soon I was

saying it out loud. The whole bathroom could hear me, but I didn’t care. Somehow, all the things I did the night before were fun, but when I thought about the situation at school, my feelings hadn’t changed at all. I realized that in order to really change my feelings, I had to deal with the situation instead of distracting myself. EFT was one way that I knew would really shift my feelings. As I walked out of the bathroom I said, “Oh, hi Sam” to Sam Gerber who was alone in the hallway. “Oh, hey Jennifer. I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was just having a bad day and I guess I took it out on you.” He smiled. “Thanks,” I said, adding, “…and watch out for the girls behind you.” He screamed and ducked into the next hallway, where another band of screaming girls ran after him. I strutted back into the cafeteria and walked over to Destiny and Charlotte’s table. “Welcome back,” they both said and hugged me. “Well, whose house shall we go to after school?” asked Charlotte. “We can go back to my house,” I offered. We walked out of the cafeteria as the bell for the next class rang. It felt good to have finally dealt with my own fears and anxiety about the situation. Even though people might still be gossiping, even though Charlotte was braver than I, even though Sam Gerber might still be a pain in the neck sometimes, I was different. And to top it off, not only did I have my best friend back, but now I had a new friend, too.

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About the Author: Sophie Frank is eleven years old and lives on Whidbey Island, WA. She is a sixth grader at the Whidbey Island Waldorf School. She considers this her first step to becoming the author/journalist that she dreams of being.

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Empowered Kids

fruit of every kind. “Enjoy yourself,” said Mom as I sunk into my luxury bath. I stayed in the tub for almost an hour, adding hot water when it got too cool. Then I stepped out and wrapped myself up in one of the big soft towels and headed to my room. I sat in bed thinking about all the great things I had ended up doing after school. I took a bath, played soccer with my Dad, played my favorite board games, baked chocolate chip cookies, and had my favorite dinner. Just then Dad walked in. He smiled and said the same thing he always says when he tucks me in bed at night, “I love you more than the earth and the universe.” I said the exact same thing, and I knew we both meant it. The next morning I woke up bright and early to watch the sun rise. I thought that, after so many fun things I did the day before, all my worries had faded away. When I heard my sister and brother galloping down the stairs on their way to school, I collected my homework and put on some clothes. This time, though, I did not put on my usual jeans, t-shirt, and flip-flops. Instead I put on my funky style: my favorite skirt, tank top, and shoes. As I walked down the stairs, I saw my mom standing by the door laughing, “How you’ve changed!” “Thanks, Mom,” I said, hoping that when I got to school I’d have a new attitude to go with my new look. She answered, “Have a good day!” as she opened the door and I stepped outside to a clear morning and my second day at school. Later that day at lunch, after I ate the steaming food that had been served on my red plastic tray, I walked toward the table where Destiny and Charlotte sat. Not caring that everyone in the cafeteria was staring directly at me, I sat down at the table. Destiny smiled as I said,

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Emotional Toolbox

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EFT Every Night

By Gary Craig

“I hope that someday the public media will broadcast EFT and its benefits to the world. The idea, in my opinion, deserves a prominent place on 60 Minutes, Oprah, and in every parent/child-oriented publication on the planet. Properly done, this idea will launch our children into an adulthood filled with high levels of inner peace and selfconfidence. If every child was given these benefits, our eventual opportunities for world peace would far exceed those of today.” --Gary Craig, Founder of EFT

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he basic idea is simple. Every night, while children are being tucked into bed, parents ask: “Can you tell me about your good and bad thoughts, as well as the good and bad things that happened to you today?” Then, as the events are being told (both good and bad), parents lightly and lovingly either tap or gently rub the “EFT points,” specific acupressure points on the body that help to release stress. As the child tells the story, s/he is clearly “tuned in” to the problem. Thus, tapping on the EFT points helps to resolve the issues or, at the very least, lighten the impact on the child. Children are constantly picking up “stuff” or negative thoughts, reactions, emotions from parents, teachers, peers, television, and so on. These daily inputs accumulate over

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time to become our “emotional garbage.” Unresolved, they form unnecessary “limits” and thwart the attainment of our true potential in the form of unnecessary fear, guilt, grief, and trauma. Unresolved negative events can make a thunderous impact on our “adult realities” and cost us dearly in our personal peace. Some examples of the “negative emotions” children might bring up could be... “I was scared when Daddy yelled at me.” “I saw a monster eating people on television.” “My teacher doesn’t think I’m very smart.” “I can’t run as fast as Rylan.” “Destiny is prettier than me.” “Dr. Jones said I had to behave or I won’t be loved.”

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EFT Basics Step 1: Use the finger tips of one hand to tap the fleshy part on the side of the other hand. This is called the Karate-Chop point.

2. Top Of Head 3. Inner Brow 4. Side

Repeat 3 times: “Even though I... • Feel Sad • Hate Reading • Am mad at my brother/sister • Feel _________

of Eye

5. Under Eye 6. Under Nose 7. Chin

...I deeply and completely love and accept myself because I am an awesome kid!”

8. Collar Bone 9. Rib Cage

Step 2: Tap on points numbered 2-10 about 5-7 times each, starting at the top of the head and working down to the point under the arm. 1. Karate-Chop

10. Under Arm

Start Here this phrase when you are tapping with your child. That’s okay. If your child lights up when she says it, then use it, but if it’s all you can do to get your child to breathe between the sobs, then let it go and just tap the points. EFT is not only effective for resolving the “bad” things that happen during the day, it is also useful while the child is talking about the “good” thoughts and happenings. In a gentle, loving, relaxed manner, the parental tapping can add a soothing element to the discussion. Furthermore, even though the child is discussing something positive, there is often a “comparing negative” behind it. For example, if the child says... “My teacher complimented me today in front of the whole class.” ....the comparing negative behind it might be... “But sometimes she scolds children or ignores them and I am afraid that will happen to me.” In this case, even though the tapping is done on the “good” statement, it is also likely to reduce the fear involved in the comparing negative. Thus, applying

EFT to both the “good” and the “bad” items can provide substantial benefits across the board. Of course, we are all children (even though some of us have developed a few wrinkles) and, thus, this article need not be limited to a specific age group. Wouldn’t it be nice, whatever your age, for someone to ask you about your childhood “stuff”? And, wouldn’t it be even nicer to resolve those issues daily? Maybe you could trade this favor with someone close to you, or just simply go through the process solo. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood!

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About the Author: Gary Craig is a Stanford engineer intensely interested in the lifelong pursuit of personal wellbeing. He explored the potential of many types of therapy, seeking those that produced results, leading him to develop EFT. He resides in California. www.EmoFree.com

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Emotional Toolbox

There are, of course, thousands of other examples that establish themselves as uninvited guests in children’s psyches. Most of them are fiction and yet they may have a far greater impact on how a child’s life unfolds. As conscious parents we have an opportunity to ward off these “self confidence suckers” on a daily basis. As we support our children in letting go of their fears, sadness and anger, we can encourage them to look deeper into issues. We can suggest ways to reframe what happened and give alternative perspectives while doing EFT, which is much more effective than to just talk. EFT simultaneously provides physical comfort, emotional support, and mental reframing. Without EFT, a child can be so caught up in her own emotions that she has trouble understanding anyone else’s. Don’t be surprised if sometime during an EFT session with your child he suddenly says: “Yeah, sometimes my teacher gets really mad at me, but I’ll bet his parents were even meaner to him. He probably doesn’t know any better.” This process is also useful for preverbal infants. Even though infants are not able to tell you what is bothering them, the mere fact that they are crying or exhibiting other signs of distress tells parents that something (e.g. a fear, trauma, or physical discomfort) needs to be resolved. During times of distress, the infant is “tuned in” to the problem and, thus, in a good state to benefit from EFT. Adding tapping to the usual “therethere’s” and other soothing language is likely to resolve the more integral and longstanding issues. Part of the EFT process is including a “set-up phrase” such as “Even though I have this [fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.], I’m still an awesome kid.” The formula includes (1) acknowledging the fear or unpleasant event and (2) affirmation that, even though the fear exists or the event occurred, the child is still a good, accepted, and loved individual.You may or may not find it convenient to use

Who “I AM” Matters

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“I Am” Affirmations For Self-Esteem

By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione

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elcome to our new read-aloud column for parents and kids based on The I AM! Affirmation Book: Discovering The Value of Who You Are. There are over 120,000 copies of The I AM! Affirmation Book in print; it has been gifted to children in 30 countries and over 580,000 books in all have been gifted across the world.  We believe that when people discover their true value, they bring that value to their families, communities, and world.  There are two ways we discover our value and self-worth.  One is through the thoughts we choose and what we believe about who we are, and the other is from what our parents and teachers communicate to us.  QUOTE OF THE MONTH: One little girl read the book and said, “You mean I am important? The other kids make fun of me because I am poor.  But now I can show them my I AM! book and tell them that I matter too!”

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 AFFIRMATION OF THE MONTH: An affirmation is a statement of truth.  What the I AM! affirmations do is affirm the truth about each of us--that we are loving, intelligent, caring beings full of potential and worthy of love, respect, and appreciation.  Whatever we choose to say after the words “I am” affects our feelings, moods, and even how we experience the world.  When we say positive affirmations, these beliefs support us in feeling more confident and capable at school, at home, wherever we are.  I Am! And I am made from Love, Which also made the rainbow, The flower, the sea, the Dove. I Am Loving! In each and every way. In fact it’s what I tell myself, At the start of each new day.

of and say an affirmation.  For example, “I appreciate that I said an affirmation to myself instead of yelling back at the boy on the bus.”  Sometimes it’s hard to do something new, but over time, affirmations can help us learn to flow with life instead of struggling against it.   We hope you enjoyed our column and remember to send us a quote on how the I AM! affirmations help you or your child.  We will be running an “I Am” quote in every issue.  It is our joy to support you and your child.  We look forward to seeing you next month.

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Who “I AM” Matters

Some kids are lucky to have families that tell them how much they love them.  Other kids might not have anyone to tell them how important and full of potential they are.  If someone says or does something that makes us think they don’t care about us, that is the time when we need to know who we truly are.  Then, we can begin to see that angry or mean people are simply people who have forgotten that they are made from love too. When we say “I Am!  And I am made from Love,” the words create a loving feeling to support us in who we are.  Love is healing and makes us feel better about ourselves, others, and the world.  The more we respect ourselves, the more we bring loving, respectful people into our lives.  Affirmations help us see a choice to remember that we shape our view of the world.  What we think determines how we feel about ourselves. When we know the truth about ourselves and act from love, we help others know their own truth.  And just maybe we can change the world!  It can start with each of us! Affirmations help us even when we feel sad, angry, or afraid, as long as we acknowledge and validate our feelings first.  One way to do this is to find someone who can listen to us, offer empathy, and reflect our feelings.  In every moment we have the power to choose how we react and remember who we truly are.  Memorize affirmations so that you can recall them as needed throughout the day.  Try saying affirmations as soon as you wake up in the morning.  Say them to the first person you see when you wake up and to yourself in the mirror.  When we say an affirmation while looking in the mirror it’s even more powerful because we see, hear, and feel the message all at once. And, remember: what we tell ourselves before we go to bed makes a difference in how well we sleep, what we dream about, and how we feel when we wake up. At the end of the day, think of three things you did that you are proud

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About the Author: Steve Viglione is the founder and CEO of The I AM Foundation and author of The I AM!   Affirmation Book. Marilyn Powers, Ph.D., is the Vice President of The I AM Foundation and is married to Steve.  They live in California.   www.iamfoundation.org

Answers to October’s Games 1. You finish second. 2. One hour as you take one at the start of the hour and second on the half hour and third on top of the hour. 3. $400 4. Because they are on the back of the same page 5. Because the person is a little boy who cannot reach more than the 7th floor button but on rainy days he has his umbrella and so he can hit the 10th Floor button. 6. To big to ignore 7. I Understand 8. Search High and Low 9. Ice Cube 10. The London Tower Bridge, UK

Sudoku

Joojiru™

Follow the North Star Page 14, Page 16, Page 24, Page 30, Page 32

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Reading Right

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Reading Right E 

ach month we bring you a column by Read Right developer, Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. Read Right empowers kids with the philosophy that, if a child isn’t learning to read, it’s not because there’s something wrong with the child. Rather there’s something “wrong” with the way the child is being taught! Let’s show you what we mean. Can you understand the meaning of the following paragraph? Aoccdrnig to rseerach, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are prseetend. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. Th rset cn be a toatl mses nd yu cn sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. You probably got the meaning even though you couldn’t have sounded out most of the words! Nor could you have recognized any of them by sight! Now try this: With hocked gems financing him Our hero bravely defied all scornful laughter That tried to prevent his scheme Your eyes deceive he had said An egg not a table correctly typifies this unexplored planet Now three sturdy sisters sought proof…1

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North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec

By Dee Tadlock, Ph.D.

You didn’t get the meaning, did you? Even though you “read” all the words the first time, you probably didn’t understand the author’s meaning. Now read it again and this time think: Christopher Columbus1. The Read Right system was developed by a mom, Dr. Dee Tadlock, who was determined to help her son, a struggling reader. This required her to discover how the brain learns to read successfully. During her extensive research, she found that reading (whether early reading development or remediation) must be grounded in meaning, not decoding. Since 1991, Dr. Tadlock and Read Right Systems have helped thousands of children, teens, and adults in the United States, Canada, China, and Germany through school-based programs, telephone tutoring, and at-home programs. Read Right’s premise that all children can learn to read, plus their phenomenal success rate, is why NSFM partners with Read Right. Reading empowers the lives of children and, together with Read Right, we are in the business of empowering kids. J. Dooling and R. Lachman, 1972, “Effects of Comprehension on Retention of Prose” Journal of Experimental Psychology,Volume 88, pages 216-222.

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INFLUENCE YOUR CHILD TO VALUE READING Everyone is familiar with the adage: “Actions speak louder than words.” As a parent, you are the most important person in the life of your child. The value you give to reading is the value your child is likely to give it also. Read to your child on a daily basis. If you enjoy reading to yourself more than reading aloud, find someone else to read aloud to your child as you convey how much you enjoy reading to yourself. Tell him you can hardly

wait until he can read all by himself. Read at bedtime, naptime, and any time you can. Get books that are relevant to what’s happening in life; visitors coming, trips to the doctor, the dentist, or the hospital, holidays, places you might go on vacation. There is a direct link between how much your child values reading and how strong his or her intent is to experiment and figure out the process for himself. Toddlers who “experiment” by opening a book and turning its pages “just like mommy or daddy” are in the process of forming important foundational neural circuitry that eventually will contribute to mastering the complex process of reading. FAMILIARIZE CHILDREN WITH “BOOK CONVENTIONS” Children who are read to frequently learn all kinds of essential things about books: what the front is, how the back looks, how to turn a page, and that the print on a page represents the same meaning being expressed by the reader. They begin to figure out what a word is in print, and they learn that, while not exactly the same, the language found in books is very similar to language in everyday conversation. Frequent reading to your child will help familiarize him with all of these book conventions, making it easier for her to figure out how to make sense out of reading. CREATE OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPOSE YOUR CHILD TO NEW INFORMATION You can broaden your child’s world by reading books on subjects that are new to him. The joy you feel reading books on topics that you’re passionate about will be evident to your child, and both of you will share an on-going special time as you give your child a very precious gift: the love of reading. Reading aloud expands your child’s knowledge of the world; it will also expand her knowledge of language. Children who are read to a lot have

much larger vocabularies when they enter school compared to children who are not. Reading aloud from a variety of books also exposes children to more complex sentence structure than is commonly heard in everyday language. Their brains will assimilate the complex structures naturally and without effort. CREATE AN EMOTIONAL TIE WITH YOUR CHILD When you read to your child, hold him in your lap with your arms around him and let him snuggle into your body. This creates warm, loving feelings in both of you and those feelings will be associated in your child’s mind with books and the act of reading. Associating reading with a warm and positive emotion helps lay a strong foundation for a love of books that will translate to life-long learning. VERY YOUNG CHILDREN CAN FIGURE OUT READING ALL BY THEMSELVES Every year, thousands of children as young as three, four, and five, surprise their parents by picking up favorite stories and reading them—really reading them-- with no formal instruction! Research shows that these children had been read to often, had access to information about the alphabet, and had ready access to answers for questions about books from parents and others. You can create the same conditions at home to help your child experiment and figure out the reading process—and it all begins in those special moments, snuggled up with your child reading a good book!

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About the Author: Dee Tadlock, Ph.D. is the founder of Read Right Systems. In her book, Read Right! Coaching Your Child to Excellence in Reading she explains how some children figure out the reading process with no apparent help. www.ReadRight.com

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eading is a mosaic of subconscious activity in the brain that is dependent on foundational concepts such as these: books tell stories, books make sense, there is a right-side up and an upside-down to books, you always turn pages in the same direction, there is a proper time to turn the page, reading is fun, and stories tell about other people, places, and experiences. This important foundation is laid by enjoying books with children from the time they are very young and doing so often. In fact, having books around and talking about the value of books, even if you yourself aren’t an excellent reader, motivates kids to learn to read. Children develop a comfort with books, pretending they can read, making up the story as they go. Each child has to figure it out for herself, but all children can read when they develop a concept of what reading is and when they have an environment that allows them to experiment over and over again until they “get it”—just like riding a bike! As conscious parents, we need to acknowledge our own feelings about reading and, if reading aloud is not something we’re passionate about, we can find other people willing to share that passion with our children. It is worth the effort! Why is reading out loud so important?

Brain Teasers 1. Which question is correct? “Is egg yolks white?” or “Are egg yolks white?”

it built on the island. How could the tractor have gotten there?

2. You are taking a vacation on an island 3. The red house is on one side and the in the middle of a lake. The lake is in blue is on the other, where is the white a remote part of Maine and there has house? never been a bridge connecting the island to the land. Every day a tractor 4. A man left home running. He ran a ways and then turned left, ran the same and wagon gives hay rides around the distance and turned left again, ran the island to all the children. Puzzled as same distance and turned left again. to how the tractor had gotten onto When he got home there were two the island, you ask around and find out masked men. Who were they? that the tractor was not transported to the island by boat or by air. Nor was

Think

Outside the Box

5. There is a common English word that is seven letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a common English word -from seven letters right on down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing a letter at a time?

A rebus describes a phrase by using position, highlighting, size, or color applied to words in a meaningful way. Below are four examples. Can you guess what phrases they represent? 7. 6.

North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec

Night 9.

8.

you me

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stay

wohikingods

JUST

Games

K

o2ne

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Where In The World? Look for the answers to these puzzles in next month’s edition. Do you have a brilliant brain teaser, funny joke, tricky picture, or quirky question you’d like to submit? E-mail us at: games@ northstarfamilymatters.com If you prefer to write a letter, send it to: North Star Family Matters 698 E. Promontory Rd. Shelton, WA 98584 Or call us for free at: 1-888-360-0303

JOOJIRU™ Fill in the blanks below with the numbers 1-9 so that each number is used exactly once in each row, column, and the nine 3 x 3 squares.

Counting by 3’s, place a number in each box so that each number is used only once in each row, column and the nine 3 x 3 boxes. The numbers used are numbers from 3-27.

Solution, tips, and computer program at www.sudoku.com

North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec

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Games

10. Do you know or can you find out where this picture was taken?

Coloring Page

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North Star Family Matters | Nov/Dec

Family Meetings

Once a week, or as needed, any member of the family can call a family meeting for any reason. Start when your kids can walk and talk! 1. The child or adult feeling most balanced volunteers to lead and opens by stating the agreements. We agree to: • Respect each person’s input • Let each person finish talking • Avoid using limiting or judgmental words such as can’t, won’t, don’t, shouldn’t, no, and not • Focus on what we do want instead of what we don’t want • Focus on the future rather than the past • Give everyone equal respect and equal say in the process and decisions • Commit to communicating until everyone feels that their concerns are resolved. 2. Ask “Is there anything anyone would like to see done differently in the future?” 3. Everyone agrees to work together to find a way to meet that person’s needs.

The CODE

Listen, support, and uncover feelings and needs in compassionate, open-minded ways, as you discover a PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Concern, and Empathy. Clues for a CODE ALERT Use it anytime you hear or feel: Anger • Fear • Anxiety • Blame • Judgment • Guilt • Yelling • Sadness • Generalizations • Frustration • Hurt. C. Connect Objectively Listen and clarify the issue objectively (no blame or judgment). O. Observe Feelings Identify the emotions under the issue, “I feel _____” (angry, sad, etc.). D. Discover Needs Ask what needs to happen right now to improve their life. E. Encourage Asking Help form a request that meets their needs and ask for it.

Empowering Questions

Downloading Days Every day take 10 minutes per day per person when someone comes home and go through their routine, “I went to school, my first class was___, and then…” including both what you did and how you felt. This helps kids and adults remember the emotionally charged events mixed throughout their day. Make it fun and make it happen. Illuminating Questions When you suspect a deeper issue, ask general questions that open the door just enough to give room for their responses. How do you feel about about yourself? How would you feel about school? How do you feel about your friends?

Conscious Message Filter

Increase Awareness Children construct meaning based on the messages, facts, and information they assimilate, mainly from us. Take time to filter out the harmful or limiting messages that attach themselves to negative reactions (anger, blame, tension, etc). Acknowledge Your Overwhelm If you can’t resolve your negative reactions, take responsibility for them by sharing your struggle with your child and reassuring her that she is not responsible for your negative reactions. *A full version of Connective Communication is available on our website, www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com for $9.99. **The CODE is NSFM’s interpretation and representation of the ideas for compassionate communication based on the material of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, www.CNVC.org.

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