Family Matters 2008-09




Fall/Winter


08/09


Family
Matters
–
Thriving
in
a
happy,
healthy
home.
 Prepared
by
Todd
Dow
 for
Niagara
United
Mennonite
Church


Redrickchurch.ca/christianparenting/








Table
of
Contents
 Family
Matters
–
Series
Overview ..................................................................................... 1
 Family
matters
–
an
overview............................................................................................. 3
 Why
does
family
matter?................................................................................................................3
 Family
Dynamics: ..............................................................................................................................4
 Spiritual
foundations
begin
at
home ..........................................................................................9
 Characteristics
of
healthy
families........................................................................................... 11
 Girls
–
what
matters .............................................................................................................13
 Confidence,
humility
and
respect ............................................................................................. 13
 Affirmation,
warmth,
encouragement
and
protection ...................................................... 14
 Good
role
models:
Being
the
woman
your
daughter
wants
to
become ....................... 16
 Good
role
models:
Being
the
man
your
daughter
wants
to
marry ................................ 17
 Boys
–
What
Matters.............................................................................................................18
 Cultivating
Emotional
Health..................................................................................................... 18
 Respect,
discipline
and
self­control:........................................................................................ 20
 Differences
between
boys
&
girls ............................................................................................. 22
 Workshop:
3
biblical
scenarios ................................................................................................. 24
 Discipline
with
Consistency........................................................................................................ 25
 Marriage
Matters...................................................................................................................27
 Foundations
of
a
Healthy
Marriage.......................................................................................... 27
 Love
and
Respect............................................................................................................................ 29
 Emotional
Intelligence ................................................................................................................. 31
 Setting
goals
and
priorities......................................................................................................... 33
 Sexual
intimacy............................................................................................................................... 34
 Playing
Together ............................................................................................................................ 36
 Creating
your
own
traditions..................................................................................................... 38
 Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters? .........................................................................................39
 Maslow’s
Hierarchy
and
parental
needs ................................................................................ 39
 Importance
of
Self.......................................................................................................................... 40
 What
matters
to
moms................................................................................................................. 41
 What
matters
to
dads.................................................................................................................... 42
 Finances
Matter .....................................................................................................................43
 The
Best
Things
in
Life
Are
Not
Things
(Burns,
165‐181).................................................. 43
 6
Steps
to
Building
a
Personal
Financial
Plan ...................................................................... 44
 10
Laws
of
Building
Wealth ........................................................................................................ 45
 Raising
a
family
on
a
budget....................................................................................................... 46
 Bibliography ...........................................................................................................................47
 


Family
Matters
–
Series
Overview


Family
Matters
–
Series
Overview
 2008:
 September


October


November


December
 
 2009:
 January


February


March


April


Family
matters
–
an
overview:
 • Why
does
family
matter?
 • Family
dynamics.
 • Spiritual
foundations
begin
at
home.
 • Characteristics
of
healthy
families.
 Girls
–
what
matters:
 • Confidence,
humility
and
respect.
 • Affirmation,
protection
and
encouragement.
 • Being
the
woman
your
daughter
wants
to
become.
 • Being
the
man
your
daughter
wants
to
marry.
 Boys
–
what
matters:
 • Cultivating
emotional
health.
 • Respect,
discipline
and
self‐control.
 • Differences
between
boys
&
girls
 • Being
the
man
your
son
wants
to
become.
 • Being
the
woman
your
son
wants
to
marry.
 Boys
–
what
matters
–
continuation:
 • Workshop:
3
biblical
scenarios
 • Discipline
with
consistency
 Marriage
matters:
 • Foundations
of
a
healthy
marriage.
 • Love
and
respect.
 • Emotional
intelligence.
 • Communication
workshop.
 Marriage
matters:
 • Setting
goals
and
priorities.
 • Sexual
intimacy.
 • Playing
together.
 • Creating
your
own
traditions.
 Moms
&
Dads
–
what
matters:
 • Maslow’s
hierarchy
and
parental
needs.
 • Importance
of
self.
 • What
matters
to
moms.
 • What
matters
to
dads.
 Finances
matter:
 • The
Best
Things
in
Life
Are
Not
Things
 • 6
Steps
to
Building
a
Personal
Financial
Plan
 • 10
Laws
of
Building
Wealth
 • Raising
a
family
on
a
budget
 Family
Matters
 1





Family
Matters
–
Series
Overview
 May


How
the
home
matters
in
the
world:
 • Polytheism.
 • Materialism.
 • Sexual
temptations.
 • War.


Family
Matters
 2
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview


Family
matters
–
an
overview
 Why
does
family
matter?


“Family
is
a
place
where
when
you
have
to
go
there,
they
have
to
take
you
in.”
 ‐ Robert
Frost
 
 A
theology
of
family
 Family
relationships
parallel
the
spiritual
relationship
between
God
and
us.
Look
at
 central
themes
or
principles
in
scripture
which
shape
our
understanding
and
 practice
of
family:
 
 1. Love
 Genesis
2:24
–
the
basis
of
family
is
relational
rather
than
rigid
rules.
 “Family
is
where
you
can
count
on
that
love
even
when
you
least
deserve
it.
 (Anderson
and
Guernesy)
 
 2. Grace
vs
legalism
–
“To
forgive
and
be
forgiven”
 This
describes
a
redemptive
perspective
on
relationships.
 
 3. Empowering
–
“To
serve
and
be
served”
 Giving
power
to
someone
else
rather
than
trying
to
control
things
(and
others)
 myself.
Consider
mutual
submission
rather
than
dominance.
(see
Ephesians
5)
 
 4. Intimacy
–
“to
know
and
be
known”
 This
is
the
basis
for
communication.
It
requires
a
willingness
to
trust
and
to
be
 vulnerable
and
to
share.
 
 5. Creating
and
nurturing
life
 Life
begins
in
family
–
biologically
as
well
as
socially.
Family
is
the
most
basic
 form
of
community.
 
 6. The
spiritual
family
of
God
is
primary
–
the
biological
family
is
secondary
 God
describes
his
relationship
with
His
people
primarily
in
family
terms
(father,
 mother,
child).
Jesus’
reference
to
“hating”
mother
and
father
(Lk
14:25,
26;
Mk
 3:31‐34;
Mt.
10:21)
is
intended
to
give
us
proper
perspective
on
our
biological
 families
and
our
primary
spiritual
family.
 


Family
Matters
 3
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview


Family
Dynamics:


Erik
Erikson’s
Theory
of
Human
Development:
 In
general,
Erickson’s
Theory
of
Human
Development
is
widely
accepted
and
plays
a
 major
role
in
all
human
and
psychological
development
studies
and
theories.
The
 best
advice
is
to
use
the
theory
as
a
framework
or
map
for
understanding
and
 identifying
what
issues/conflicts
unresolved
lead
to
current
behavior
and
preparing
 for
the
stages
to
come.
 
 The
stages
are:
 
 Stage:
 Psychosocial
Crisis:
 1
 Infancy
(Birth‐12
Months)
 Trust
vs.
Mistrust
 2
 Younger
Years
(1‐3
Years)
 Autonomy
vs.
Shame
and
Doubt
 3
 Early
Childhood
(3‐5
Years)
 Initiative
vs.
Guilt
 4
 Middle
Childhood
(6‐10
Years)
 Industry
vs.
Inferiority
 5
 Adolescence
(11‐18
Years)
 Identity
vs.
Role
Confusion
 6
 Early
Adulthood
(18‐26
years)
 Intimacy
vs.
Isolation
 7
 Middle
Adulthood
(26‐60
Years)
 Generativity
vs.
Stagnation
 8
 Later
Adulthood
(60
years‐Death)
 Ego
Integrity
vs.
Despair
 
 Individuality
within
a
family:
 Every
child
is
born
into
a
different
family
from
each
of
the
other
brothers
and
sisters
 1. The
number
of
people
changes
(and
ratio
of
adults
to
children)
 2. Thus,
there
will
be
more
attention
directed
at
the
first
children
and
less
at
 the
middle
and
later
children
 3. Life
stage
of
the
parents
and
the
marriage
relationship
is
likely
to
be
different
 4. Maturity
of
the
parents
and
the
marriage
relationship
may
be
different
 5. Economically,
the
family
may
experience
change
due
to
career
development,
 career
change,
etc.
 6. The
social
environment
may
affect
the
family
(depression,
war,
etc.)
 
 Principles
of
family
life:
 7. Siblings
tend
to
work
at
developing
distinctiveness
in
a
family
 8. We
learn
about:
sexes,
relationships,
and
the
world
around
us
in
our
early
 family
experience:
 9. Since
living
with
someone
in
an
intimate
relationship
most
closely
duplicates
 the
experience
of
growing
up
in
a
family,
it’s
not
surprising
that
birth
order
 characteristics
become
most
evident
in
relationship
with
a
spouse.
Some
 birth
order
characteristics
tend
to
work
better
than
others.
Duplicating
each
 other’s
birth
order
at
home
tends
to
be
the
easiest,
but
problems
may
 develop
if
one
wants
to
change.
 
 The
Five
Factors:
 Birth
order
characteristics
develop
from
five
factors:
 1. Order
of
birth
 2. Sex
 Family
Matters
 4
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview
 3. Number
of
years
between
siblings
 4. Sex
of
siblings
 5. Birth
order
of
parents
(especially
same
sex
parent)
 
 Oldest
Children
In
General:
 1. Receive
more
affection
and
attention
than
younger
siblings
 2. High
expectations
for
“the
first
born”
 3. Oldest
children
with
younger
siblings:
 o Feel
abandoned
and
jealous
at
the
introduction
of
a
new
younger
 sibling,
especially
between
the
ages
of
18
months
and
5
years
of
age.
 o Oldest
children
resent
this
new
sibling,
as
they
feel
it
takes
away
from
 the
attention
that
is
normally
paid
to
them.
 o Same
sex
younger
siblings
tend
to
accentuate
this
response,
whereas
 opposite
sex
younger
siblings
do
the
opposite.
The
perceived
threat
is
 less
for
opposite
sex
siblings,
as
they
don’t
pose
as
much
of
a
direct
 threat.
 o Having
a
father
that
is
physically
and
emotionally
available
during
this
 time
is
helpful
in
reassuring
a
young
child
of
their
sense
of
meaning
in
 the
family.
 o And,
reassuring
oldest
siblings
when
they
help
and
set
a
good
example
 tends
to
encourage
good
behaviour.
 o Oldest
siblings
strive
for
admiration
and
respect
of
others.
 4. Long
term
impacts:
 o Older
siblings
adopt
parental
responsibilities.
This
can
be
good
(it
 develops
good
living
habits)
and
bad
(added
pressure
to
perform)
 o Tend
to
be
strong
leaders
and
managers.
 o Tend
to
be
more
nurturing
and
protective.
 o Tend
to
defend
the
status
quo
and
are
typically
more
traditional
than
 younger
siblings.
 o Have
trouble
trusting
others
to
produce
good
results
(as
they
feel
that
 others
can’t
perform
functions
up
to
the
same
level
as
they
can…
as
 experienced
through
a
lifetime
of
coaching
younger
siblings)
 o Oldest
siblings
strive
for
admiration
and
respect
of
others.
 o They
tend
to
over‐commit
rather
than
disappoint
others.
 
 Youngest
Children
In
General:
 1. They
tend
to
be
the
baby
in
the
family.
 2. Youngest
Children
with
Older
Siblings:
 o They
tend
to
be
taken
care
of,
and
learn
to
expect
that
others
will
 come
to
their
aid.
 o Oldest
siblings
feel
that
youngest
get
away
with
more…
which
is
 typically
true:
the
rules
are
softened
for
successive
children
in
many
 cases.
 o Therefore,
rules
have
less
meaning
for
youngest.
 3. Long
term
impacts:
 Family
Matters
 5
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview
 o More
likely
to
be
undisciplined,
procrastinators
and
late
for
or
miss
 appointments.
 o Tend
to
look
to
others
for
support
and
easily
become
dependent
upon
 older
spouses
or
friends
for
guidance.
But,
they
also
tend
to
fight
 against
the
control
exerted
by
these
older
partners.
 o And,
in
any
lecture
about
birth
order,
it
is
the
youngest
siblings
that
 tend
to
dispute
the
findings
the
loudest.
 o Some
youngests
become
shy
and
uncertain
due
to
always
being
under
 the
cloud
of
the
older,
more
experienced,
more
skilled
siblings.
 o Inadequacy
can
develop
when
stuck
in
the
shadow
of
an
older
sibling
 that
they
can’t
seem
to
measure
up
to.
 o This
can
lead
to
feelings
of
incompetence.
 o If
always
given
hand‐me‐downs
as
children,
they
may
place
an
 emphasis
on
material
things
later
in
life.
 o In
happy
families,
the
youngest
tend
to
be
the
most
lighthearted
and
 playful
and
tend
to
have
high
self‐esteem.
 
 Middle
Children
In
General:
 1. Tend
to
end
up
with
a
mix
of
older
and
younger
sibling
traits.
 2. And,
they
can
end
up
feeling
left
out,
as
they
have
no
distinct
identity
other
 than
being
caught
“in
the
middle”.
 3. They
compete
against
perceived
“smarter,
older,
stronger”
sibling(s)
and
 perceived
“younger,
cuter,
more
dependent”
sibling(s).
 4. Long
term
impacts:
 o Since
they
are
caught
in
the
middle
without
the
benefits
of
being
the
 oldest
or
the
youngest,
they
tend
to
feel
that
life
is
unfair.
 o Tend
to
be
sensitive
to
being
left
out
or
slighted
as
an
adult.
 o Tend
to
be
least
likely
to
take
the
initiative
or
thinking
independently.
 o Tend
to
rank
the
lowest
academically.
 o Least
likely
in
their
family
to
go
to
university.
 o Less
likely
to
feel
pressure
to
succeed
than
older
siblings.
 o And,
less
likely
to
feel
constant
observation
that
a
youngest
sibling
 would
feel.
 o Tend
to
feel
less
betrayed
when
a
new
younger
sibling
arrives
than
an
 oldest
sibling
would
feel
(see
above),
since
middle
children
never
had
 that
alone
time
with
parents
to
begin
with.
 o Tend
to
act
out
the
more
than
oldest
siblings,
especially
when
faced
 with
direct
competition
with
older
siblings.
This
can
lead
to
rebellion.
 o Middle
children
tend
to
negotiate
peace,
as
they
are
trapped
in
the
 middle.
They
try
to
coexist
with
others.
 
 For
Your
Parental
Toolkit:
 Tips
for
dealing
with
oldest
children:
 1. Put
less
pressure
on
them
to
succeed
 2. Openly
give
more
love
and
approval
just
for
existing
(unconditional)
 Family
Matters
 6
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview
 3. Focus
on
the
good
things
in
an
activity
instead
of
just
pointing
out
the
bad
 things
‐
most
oldest
children
tend
to
already
be
aware
of
their
mistakes.
 4. Don’t
force
your
oldest
to
grow
up
too
soon.
Let
them
have
some
decision
 making
in
how
much
responsibility
they
take
on
(don’t
automatically
assign
 them
babysitting
duties,
for
example)
 5. After
younger
siblings
have
arrived,
continue
to
spend
time
alone
with
your
 older
siblings.
 6. Make
them
feel
important
as
an
individual,
not
just
as
a
helper.
 
 Tips
for
dealing
with
youngest
children:
 1. Encourage
them
to
be
independent,
thoughtful
and
self‐reliant.
 2. Praise
minor
accomplishments,
just
like
you
do
with
older
siblings.
 3. Don’t
let
older
siblings
dominate
or
tease
younger
siblings.
 4. Give
plenty
of
affirmation.
 5. Don’t
let
them
get
away
with
too
much
goofing
off.
 6. Start
reading
early
with
youngest
children.
 7. Don’t
assume
they
are
too
little
to
be
useful.
Give
the
youngest
their
fair
 share
of
household
duties.
 8. Don’t
compare
them
to
the
older
children.
 
 Tips
for
dealing
with
middle
children:
 1. It
is
important
to
provide
a
sense
of
identity
to
these
children
from
a
parent
 of
the
same
sex
(or
of
another
sibling
of
the
same
sex).
 2. Treat
middle
children
with
lots
of
care.
Make
them
feel
important.
 3. Don’t
assume
that
everything
is
fine
with
them.
Spend
time
with
them,
talk
to
 them.
 4. Solicit
opinions
and
ask
about
feelings.
 
 Factors
that
alter
the
usual
traits
of
birth
order
and
sex:
 1. Loss
of
parents
in
childhood
 o Death
of
a
parent;
or
 o Divorce
 2. Remarriage
 3. Death
of
a
sibling
 4. Death
of
other
family
members
 5. Adoption
 6. Disabilities
 7. Anxiety
in
the
family
 8. Large
families
 
 Other
things
to
consider:
 1. Dealing
with
jealousy
 o Be
sure
to
listen
to
all
children
and
be
empathetic
to
their
feelings.
 o Acknowledge
that
not
all
problems
may
be
easily
solved,
but
reaffirm
 the
value
and
meaning
of
each
family
member.
 2. Discouraging
competitiveness
 Family
Matters
 7
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview


3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

o Don’t
let
children
feel
that
performance
equals
acceptance.
Love
all
 family
members
unconditionally.
 Accept
the
differences
among
family
members
 o Respect
and
appreciation
for
diversity
within
the
family
is
important.
 Don’t
assign
roles
 o Allow
for
some
autonomy
in
family
roles
and
how
they
are
adopted
by
 family
members.
 Providing
equal
opportunities
 o Don’t
discriminate
due
to
gender
differences.
Encourage
all
family
 members
for
equal
goals.
 Don’t
treat
them
identically
 o Recognize
individual
interests,
skills,
abilities
and
goals.
 Parenting
out
of
your
own
birth
order
 o Recognize
the
strengths
of
different
birth
orders
and
work
within
 those
constraints.
 Divorced
parents
 o Recognize
the
need
to
reassure
children
who
are
fearful
of
neglect
and
 abandonment,
even
where
these
may
seem
to
be
unfounded
feelings.
 Your
children
are
not
your
siblings


9. 
 Questions:
 1. Provide
some
examples
that
validate
these
findings
within
your
own
 experience.
 2. How
do
these
concepts
relate
to
the
information
that
we
have
learned
from
 the
previous
sessions?
 3. Suggest
ways
that
faith
development
might
differ
between
oldest
and
 youngest
children.
 
 For
further
reading:
 Richardson,
Dr.
Ronald
W.
&
Richardson,
Lois
A.,
Birth
Order
And
You,
North
 Vancouver,
British
Columbia:
Self‐Counsel
Press,
1990.
 Richardson,
Dr.
Ronald
W.,
Family
Ties
That
Bind,
North
Vancouver,
British
 Columbia:
Self‐Counsel
Press,
1987.


Family
Matters
 8
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview


Spiritual
foundations
begin
at
home


Parenting
Our
Children
Towards
Faith
In
God
 
 1. Spirituality
is
taught
in
the
context
of
all
our
daily
life
–
not
just
something
 we
add
on
to
our
parenting
tasks
because
we
are
Christians.
 See
Deuteronomy
6:1‐9
 Parallel
to
Exodus
20
–
that
you
live
long
in
the
land…
 We
are
directed
to
love
God
with
our
entire
being.
 Thus,
teach
children
in
all
aspects
of
their
lives:
 • in
our
hearts
 • when
we
sit
at
home
 • when
we
walk
on
road
 • when
you
lie
down
and
get
up
 • tie
God’s
laws
as
symbols
 • write
them
on
doorposts
 Spirituality
is
an
integral
part
of
all
we
do
–
we
cannot
separate
it
from
our
other
 activities.
 
 2. As
children
grow
from
birth
to
adulthood
they
change
intellectually,
 physically,
relationally,
etc…
and
they
change
spiritually.

Thus,
the
way
we
 approach
our
children’s
spirituality
must
reflect
and
respect
these
 changes.
 Previously,
we
learned
about
Erikson’s
stages
of
psycho‐social
development.
 Keeping
in
mind
appropriate
stages,
children
need
a
healthy
foundation
for
later
 spirituality
to
form
the
conviction
and
strength
it
needs
–
but
this
information
is
 not
the
same
as
giving
religious
information.
 Bring
faith
near
but
do
not
unload
adult
concepts
directly
onto
young
children
–
 too
big
a
burden
to
bear.
 Key
qualities
to
share
are:
 • Invitational
–
truth
is
relational
“I
am
the
way,
the
truth
and
the
life”
 • Respect
child
(autonomy)
 • Do
not
project
our
need
for
doctrinal
security
onto
our
children
 • Cultivate
memories,
pray,
answer
questions,
but
don’t
get
hung
up
on




















 comprehensive
understanding
 • In
early
stages
we
prepare
our
children
for
faith,
we
don’t
indoctrinate
 them
 
 3. Our
own
spirituality
as
parents
is
crucial,
not
only
because
we
cannot
teach
 what
we
don’t
know,
but
also
because
as
we
interact
with
our
children
they
 shape
their
understanding
of
God
largely
on
their
interactions
with
us.
 We
are
God
to
our
children
–
almost
literally
–
power
of
life
and
death
 • Superior
being
 • They
depend
on
us
for
everything
 • They
believe
us


Family
Matters
 9
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview
 How
many
people
struggle
later
in
life
with
their
view
of
God
based
on
how
one
 of
their
parents
was
towards
them
 It
is
our
job
to
incorporate
spiritual
practices
in
our
family
lives
–
reading
Bible
 stories
and
devotionals
(see
article
“Every
child
loves
a
story”),
praying
together,
 regular
church
attendance
as
a
family,
etc.
 
 4. We
need
to
recognize
the
ways
in
which
we
learn
about
God
from
our
 children.
 Matthew
18:1‐4
 Matthew
19:13‐15
 It
is
about:
 • Trust/faith
 • Honesty
 • Simplicity
 Our
basic
identity
as
adults
is
as
children
of
God
–
as
parents
we
may
need
to
 learn
from
our
children
how
to
be
a
child
of
God.
 
 5. We
need
to
instill
in
our
children
(and
ourselves)
a
sense
of
wonder
and
 awe
as
a
way
to
open
themselves
to
God.
 children
have
a
high
capacity
for
awe
–
just
watch
a
child’s
eyes
light
up
when
 receiving
a
gift
or
when
listening
to
a
story
 • play
 • mystery
 • imagination
 The
effectiveness
of
stories
like
CS
Lewis
and
JRR
Tolkien
to
teach
through
 imagination
and
mystery
 


Family
Matters
 10
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview


Characteristics
of
healthy
families


Every
family
experiences
problems.
It
is
how
the
problems
are
handled
that
constitutes
 function
or
dysfunction.
If
one
or
more
members
say
there
is
a
problem,
then
there
is
a
 problem
–
and
it
is
a
family
problem
not
just
one
individual’s.
A
healthy
family
 recognizes
that
problems
are
normal,
and
seeks
to
address
the
problems
rather
than
 denying
their
existence.
 
 Scriptural
Guidelines:
 • Ephesians
5:21‐33
&
6:1‐4
 • 1
Corinthians
13:4‐7
 
 Some
characteristics
of
healthy
families:
 1. Communication
patterns
are
direct,
clear
and
sensory‐based.
 2. The
family
can
adapt
to
and
even
welcome
change.
 3. Family
members
get
their
needs
met.
 4. Mistakes
are
admitted.
Mistakes
are
forgiven.
Forgiveness
is
freely
asked
for
and
 given.
 5. The
atmosphere
is
one
of
spontaneity,
fun
and
good
humour.
 6. There
is
closeness.
The
family
shares
much,
and
feels
strongly
connected,
yet
 each
is
an
individual.
 7. The
family
relationships
are
characterized
by:
covenant
commitment,
 empowerment,
grace
and
intimacy.
 8. Members
respect
each
other’s
spiritual
responsiveness
to
God.
 
 Additional
Points
to
consider:
 9. Spiritual
life
is
invitational
and
freely
shared,
rather
than
coercive
and
 conforming.
 10. The
family
exists
for
the
individual.
In
dysfunctional
families
the
individual
 exists
to
keep
the
system
in
balance.
 11. Parents
do
what
they
say.
They
are
self‐disciplined
disciplinarians.
 12. Each
twosome
in
the
family
can
deal
with
their
own
problems.
Triangulating
is
 discouraged.
 13. Family
members
can
be
different
–
and
they
can
function
in
different
roles
 within
the
family.
 14. Relationships
are
dialogical
and
equal.
The
five
freedoms
are
respected
for
each
 family
member:
 a. The
freedom
to
see
and
to
hear
what
is
now
instead
of
what
should
be,
 could
be,
was,
or
will
be.
 b. The
freedom
to
feel
what
is
felt
now
instead
of
what
should
be,
could
be,
 was
or
will
be.
 c. The
freedom
to
say
what
is
now
instead
of
what
should
be,
could
be,
was
 or
will
be.
 d. The
freedom
to
reach
out
for
what
you
want
instead
of
what
you
should
 want,
not
having
to
wait
for
someone
to
offer
it
to
you.


Family
Matters
 11
 


Family
Matters
–
An
Overview
 e. The
freedom
to
take
risks
on
your
own
behalf
instead
of
only
waiting
for
a
 change
in
the
situation
to
make
it
possible
for
you
to
have
what
you
want
 for
yourself.
 15. There
are
clear
boundaries
(firm
yet
rigid):
 a. Between
the
family
and
the
outside
world;
 b. Between
generations
(parents
and
children
–
marriage
is
the
primary
 relationship
in
the
family);
 c. Between
members
in
the
family;
 d. Between
sexes;


Family
Matters
 12
 


Girls
–
What
Matters


Girls
–
what
matters


Confidence,
humility
and
respect
 “Start
children
off
in
the
way
they
should
go,
and
even
when
they
are
old
they
will
not
 turn
from
it.”
Proverbs
22:6
 
 Confidence:Cultivat
 “And
now,
dear
children,
continue
in
him,
so
that
when
he
appears
we
may
be
 confident
and
unashamed
before
him
at
his
coming.”
(1
John
2:28)
 “Confidence
emerges
out
of
a
strong
sense
of
being
somebody
who
belongs
to
God.
 With
that
comes
a
sense
of
giftedness
and
ability
to
make
a
contribution,
and
the
 boldness
to
speak
one’s
heart
and
mind.
When
our
daughters
are
confident,
they
have
 assurance
that
they
can
accomplish
meaningful
tasks
and
that
they
have
something
 valuable
to
contribute
with
their
words
and
actions.”
(McMinn,
68)
 
 How
to
instill
confidence
(McMinn,
69‐73):
 1. Stretch
Your
Daughters;
 2. Encourage
Your
Daughters
to
Think
Well
and
Speak
Up;
 3. Encourage
Personal
Development
Apart
from
Structured
Activities;
 
 Humility:
 “Do
nothing
out
of
selfish
ambition
or
vain
conceit.
Rather,
in
humility
value
others
 above
yourselves,
not
looking
to
your
own
interests
but
each
of
you
to
the
interests
of
 the
others.”
(Philippians
2:3)
 “The
virtue
of
humility
consists
in
keeping
oneself
within
one's
own
bounds,
not
 reaching
out
to
things
above
one,
but
submitting
to
one's
superior.”
(Summa,
Aquinas)
 
 How
humility
helps
(Meeker,
77‐92):
 1. Humility
Makes
Her
Feel
Significant;
 2. Humility
Strengthens
Her
Relationships;
 3. Humility
Keeps
Her
Balanced;
 4. Humility
Keeps
Her
Living
in
Reality;
 
 Respect:
 “Respect
is
the
acknowledgment
that
someone
or
something
has
value;
the
showing
of
 thoughtfulness
and
consideration;”
(Respect,
Wikipedia)

 “Teaching
children
to
respect
and
honour
siblings
and
other
family
members
helps
 instill
a
good
sense
of
obligation
toward
others
that
will
ultimately
help
them
establish
 significant
communities
throughout
their
lives.”
(McMinn,
80)
 
 Questions:
 1. In
what
ways
can
you
stretch
your
daughters
in
order
to
build
their
confidence?
 2. How
do
you
balance
confidence
and
humility?
Don’t
the
two
seem
to
contradict
 one
another?
 3. Are
you
modeling
a
sense
of
confidence,
humility
and
respect
in
your
home?
 
 Family
Matters
 13
 


Girls
–
What
Matters


Affirmation,
warmth,
encouragement
and
protection
 Express Affirmation, Warmth and Encouragement (AWE—Based Parenting)(Burns, pg. 30-46) Having
a
Positive
Attitude
 Relationships
come
in
many
different
styles.
There
are
positive
and
negative
 approaches
to
relationships.
 
 Shame‐Based
Parenting
 This
type
of
parenting
typically
consists
of
trying
to
shame
your
kids
into
doing
 what
you
expect
of
them.
This
tends
to
build
a
wall
between
the
people
involved
and
 these
words
can
be
seen
as
“withdrawals”
from
the
child’s
“emotional
bank
 account.”
 Examples
of
Shame‐Based
Parenting
(or
Withdrawals):
 • Nagging;
 • Fighting
constantly
with
my
 • Belittling
them;
 spouse;
 • Being
sarcastic;
 • Talking
about
them
negatively
to
 • Making
negative
put‐downs;
 others;
 • Criticizing;
 • Showing
favoritism;
 • Screaming;
 • Being
silent;
 • Never
saying
“I’m
sorry”;
 • Heaping
guilt
on
them;
 • Being
rude
and
irritable;
 AWE‐Based
Parenting
 AWE
stands
for
affirmation,
warmth
and
encouragement.
This
is
about
building
self‐ esteem
and
positive
relationships
with
those
around
you,
instead
of
the
negative
 approach
suggested
above
with
shame‐based
parenting.
 Consider
these
examples
of
AWE‐based
parenting
(or
deposits):
 • Saying
“I’m
sorry”
to
my
children
 • Praying
for
them;
 when
I
blow
it;
 • Speaking
with
a
tender
tone
of
 • Praising
often;
 voice;
 • Believing
the
best
of
them;
 • Bragging
about
them;
 • Forgiving
them;
 • Playing
together;
 • Hugging
often;
 • Listening
to
them
(listening
is
the
 • Saying
“I
love
you”
every
day;
 language
of
love);
 • Writing
thank‐you
notes
and
love
 • Spending
time
together;
 notes;
 • Going
out
on
special
dates; 
 Affirmation
 You
must
believe
in
your
children
and
you
must
let
your
children
know
this.
“Young
 people
need
someone
in
their
lives
who
believes
in
them,
even
when
they
can’t
 believe
in
themselves.”
 
 Warmth
 “For
your
family
to
have
a
sense
of
AWE,
create
a
home
environment
of
warmth
and
 affection.”
This
might
be
easier
said
than
done,
but
it
can
be
done
using
baby
steps.
 Family
Matters
 14
 


Girls
–
What
Matters
 The
important
thing
is
to
focus
more
on
warm
and
caring
relationships.
Jim
Burns
 suggests
that
by
focusing
in
this
way,
chores
and
responsibilities
will
be
less
 burdensome
and
may
get
done
easier.
 
 Encouragement
 “When
you
encourage
your
children
and
your
spouse,
you
have
the
unique
ability
to
 make
them
feel
special.”
Burns
gives
the
example
of
two
highly
educated
and
 successful
business
professionals
who
have
put
extremely
high
expectations
on
 their
daughter.
Burns
tells
us
that
it
can
be
problematic
to
place
our
expectations
on
 our
children.
Instead,
we
should
listen
to
our
children’s
goals
and
then
help
set
 reasonable
expectations
and
to
encourage
our
children
in
their
pursuits.
 
 Discussion
Starters
 1. Did
you
grow
up
in
a
family
that
used
shame‐based
parenting
or
AWE‐based
 parenting?
How
did
it
affect
you?
 2. What
specific
steps
can
you
take
to
enhance
an
environment
of
AWE
in
your
 family?
What
makes
it
difficult
to
take
these
steps?
 3. “Every
child
needs
someone
who
is
irrationally
positive
about
them.”
Did
you
 have
that
person
in
your
life?
Who
is
or
can
become
that
person
in
the
lives
of
 your
children?
 4. This
topic
applies
equally
well
to
marriage
relationships.
How
can
you
apply
 these
suggestions
to
your
own
marriage
relationship
to
make
it
stronger
and
 more
positive?


Family
Matters
 15
 


Girls
–
What
Matters


Good
role
models:
Being
the
woman
your
daughter
wants
to
become



 Today’s
Exercise:
As
a
group,
define
the
character
traits
associated
with
“Being
the
 woman
your
daughter
wants
to
become.”
 
 Method:
Use
the
“Green,
Red,
Blue”
method
to
obtain
this
goal.



 
 In
a
nutshell:
 1. GREEN:
Begin
by
thinking
in
“green”,
which
means,
to
brainstorm
and
collect
as
 many
ideas
as
possible.
No
idea
is
right
or
wrong
during
this
phase
of
data
 collection.
 2. RED:
Synthesize
the
material
that
was
provided
during
the
green
phase.
 Categorize,
evaluate
and
validate
the
items
that
were
providing
during
the
 brainstorming
portion
of
this
exercise.
 3. BLUE:
Formalize
your
response
into
a
final
answer.
Review
the
items
that
were
 categorized
in
the
red
phase,
decide
upon
a
final
answer
and
then
present
that
 final
answer.
 
 Final
Product:
At
the
end
of
this
exercise,
you
should
have
a
list
of
personality
traits
 or
characteristics
that
describe,
“Being
the
woman
your
daughter
wants
to
become.”


Family
Matters
 16
 


Girls
–
What
Matters


Good
role
models:
Being
the
man
your
daughter
wants
to
marry



 Today’s
Exercise:
As
a
group,
define
the
character
traits
associated
with
“Being
the
 man
your
daughter
wants
to
marry.”
 
 Method:
Use
the
“Green,
Red,
Blue”
method
to
obtain
this
goal.



 
 In
a
nutshell:
 4. GREEN:
Begin
by
thinking
in
“green”,
which
means,
to
brainstorm
and
collect
as
 many
ideas
as
possible.
No
idea
is
right
or
wrong
during
this
phase
of
data
 collection.
 5. RED:
Synthesize
the
material
that
was
provided
during
the
green
phase.
 Categorize,
evaluate
and
validate
the
items
that
were
providing
during
the
 brainstorming
portion
of
this
exercise.
 6. BLUE:
Formalize
your
response
into
a
final
answer.
Review
the
items
that
were
 categorized
in
the
red
phase,
decide
upon
a
final
answer
and
then
present
that
 final
answer.
 
 Final
Product:
At
the
end
of
this
exercise,
you
should
have
a
list
of
personality
traits
 or
characteristics
that
describe,
“Being
the
man
your
daughter
wants
to
marry.”
 


Family
Matters
 17
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


Boys
–
What
Matters


Cultivating
Emotional
Health
 Raising
Emotionally
Healthy
Sons
(Oliver,
pg
43‐65)
 The
Challenge
of
Growing
Up
Male:
Emotional
Health
is
often
suppressed.
Consider:
 • Infant
boys
receive
fewer
demonstrative
acts
of
affection
from
their
mothers
 and
are
touched
less
than
infant
girls;
 • When
a
child
complains
of
a
minor
injury,
parents
are
quicker
to
comfort
 girls
than
boys;
 • When
boys
become
teenagers,
they
are
told
they
must
be
prepared
to
be
 mutilated
or
die
in
our
armed
forces
in
order
to
protect
women
and
children
 and
the
ideologies
of
their
nation;
 • Replicated
medical
research
suggests
that
boys
bring
what
some
have
called
 a
“biologically
hardwired
emotional
disadvantage”
to
emotional
and
 relational
development;
 
 Why
are
emotions
so
important?
Emotions
help
us
understand
ourselves
and
 others.
Emotions
give
flavour
to
our
interaction.
Some
of
the
consequences
of
 inadequate
emotional
development
include:
 • A
partial
and
inadequate
knowledge
of
self;
 • An
increased
tendency
to
find
your
identity,
meaning,
and
purpose
in
life
 from
getting
approval
and
affirmation
from
other
people;
 • A
blurred
vision
of
what
is
normal;
 • Poor
physical
health;
 • Increased
tendency
to
become
codependent
and
become
involved
in
 unhealthy
and
one‐sided
relationships;
 • Arrested
emotional
development
hinders
our
ability
to
relate
to
God
and
 hear
his
voice;
 • When
we
withhold
our
emotions,
it
can
keep
others
from
knowing
who
we
 really
are;
 • When
we
don’t
share
our
emotions
with
others,
they
don’t
know
what
is
 most
important
to
us.
If
we
don’t
have
an
appropriate
emotional
response,
 we
not
only
lose
out
on
getting
our
needs
met
but
rob
others
of
the
 opportunity
to
give
to
us
in
our
time
of
need.
Concealing
our
emotions
only
 increases
isolation,
leads
to
misunderstanding,
and
causes
everyone
to
lose;
 • Researchers
have
found
that
even
more
than
IQ,
our
emotional
awareness
 and
ability
to
handle
feelings
will
determine
our
success
and
happiness
in
all
 walks
of
life,
including
family
relationships.
 
 Benefits
of
emotional
intelligence
include:
 • Being
able
to
regulate
their
own
emotional
states;
 • Better
at
soothing
themselves
when
they
were
upset;
 • Had
fewer
infectious
illnesses;
 • Better
at
focusing
and
attending;
 • Better
at
understanding
people;
 • Better
at
situations
in
school
that
required
academic
performance;
 Family
Matters
 18
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters
 What
is
Emotional
Intelligence?
 1.
Self
Awareness
 Emotional
Self‐Awareness
 
 Accurate
Self‐Assessment
 Self‐Confidence
 2.
Self‐Management
 Emotional
Self‐Control
 
 Transparency
 Adaptability
 Achievement
Orientation
 Initiative
 Optimism
 3.
Social
Awareness
 Empathy
 
 Organizational
Awareness
 Service
Orientation
 4.
Relationship
Management
 Developing
Others
 
 Inspirational
Leadership
 Change
Catalyst
 Influence
 Conflict
Management
 Teamwork
and
Collaboration
 
 Six
Steps
to
Cultivating
an
Emotionally
Healthy
Son:
 1. Cultivate
His
Identity
as
an
Image
Bearer
 a. If
we
help
our
boys
develop
a
clear
sense
of
what
it
means
to
be
in
Christ,
 to
have
been
made
in
the
image
of
God,
and
to
have
been
redeemed
by
the
 Son
of
God,
their
identity
will
be
person‐based
(who
they
are
in
Christ)
 and
not
performance‐based
(what
they
do
on
their
own).
 2. Understand
the
Significance
of
Healthy
Emotions
for
Spiritual,
Intellectual
and
 Relational
Growth
 a. If
you
don’t
get
it
yet,
re‐read
today’s
notes.
 3. Be
Aware
of
Your
Own
Emotions
 a. How
you
act
influences
what
your
kids
will
pick
up.
 4. Be
Aware
of
Each
Boy’s
Emotional
Responses
and
Unique
Patterns
 a. Remember,
each
child
is
different.
Andtherefore,
they
need
to
be
treated
 differently.
 5. Listen
Emphatically,
Validate
Feelings,
and
Help
Verbally
Label
Emotions
 a. Important
points,
all.
 6. Set
Appropriate
Limits
While
Helping
to
Discover
Healthy
Ways
to
Express
and
 Deal
with
Emotions
 a. Equip
your
kids
to
deal
with
their
emotions.
Coach
them
on
how
to
 develop
the
skills
discussed
in
today’s
class.
 
 


Family
Matters
 19
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


Respect,
discipline
and
self‐control:


As
we
discussed
last
week,
self‐control
is
a
key
attribute
that
boys
need
to
have
 nurtured.
Respect
for
others
is
an
important
building
block
in
the
development
of
 boys’
perception
of
authority
in
the
world.
Without
respect,
discipline
and
self‐ control
cannot
prosper.
 Respect:
 “Respect
is
the
acknowledgment
that
someone
or
something
has
value;
the
showing
of
 thoughtfulness
and
consideration;”
(Respect,
Wikipedia)

 “Teaching
children
to
respect
and
honour
siblings
and
other
family
members
helps
 instill
a
good
sense
of
obligation
toward
others
that
will
ultimately
help
them
establish
 significant
communities
throughout
their
lives.”
(McMinn,
80)
 
 Discipline:
 Read
Hebrews
12:5‐17:
(see
back
of
today’s
handout)
 In
this
section:
 Why
discipline?
–
(Heb
12:6)
 • God’s
discipline
demonstrates
his
love;
 What
is
the
purpose?
(Heb
12:10)
 • God’s
discipline
allows
us
to
“share
in
his
holiness”;
 How
do
we
show
discipline?
(Heb
12:1‐2)
 • We
“run
with
endurance
the
race
that
God
has
set
before
us.
We
do
this
by
 keeping
our
eyes
on
Jesus,
on
whom
our
faith
depends
from
start
to
finish.”
 What
are
the
results
of
disciplined
living?
(Heb
12:14‐17)
 • Live
in
peace,
live
a
clean
and
holy
life,
look
out
for
each
other,
have
faith
and
 watch
out
for
others
that
may
fall
into
immorality
or
become
godless.

 Our
challenge:
(Heb
12:7)
 • God
disciplines
us
in
the
same
way
that
a
parent
disciplines
a
child.
Thus,
we
 need
to
heed
God’s
discipline.
We
also
need
to
discipline
our
children
in
the
 same
way
that
God
disciplines
us.
 Note
the
two
different
disciplines
being
discussed
here:
 1. Discipline
=
punishment;
 2. Discipline
=
self‐control;
 
 We
use
discipline
to
punish
or
enforce
boundaries.
We
teach
discipline
(or
self‐ control)
to
instill
a
sense
of
strength
and
holiness
in
each
one
of
us.
This
leads
to
 true
happiness
and
to
a
sense
of
satisfactory
living.
 
 Discussion
questions:
 1. Is
respect
demanded
or
earned?
 2. In
what
areas
of
our
lives
do
we
need
to
show
and
receive
respect?
 3. How
does
God
discipline
us?

Can
we
apply
these
same
methods
to
our
children?
 4. Is
self‐control
a
desirable
goal?
 5. Is
holiness
an
adequate
motivator
to
develop
self‐control?
 
 
 Family
Matters
 20
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters
 Hebrews
12:5‐17
(New
Living
Translation):
 1
Therefore,
since
we
are
surrounded
by
such
a
huge
crowd
of
witnesses
to
the
life
of
 faith,
let
us
strip
off
every
weight
that
slows
us
down,
especially
the
sin
that
so
easily
 trips
us
up.
And
let
us
run
with
endurance
the
race
God
has
set
before
us.2
We
do
this
 by
keeping
our
eyes
on
Jesus,
the
champion
who
initiates
and
perfects
our
faith.*
 Because
of
the
joy*
awaiting
him,
he
endured
the
cross,
disregarding
its
shame.
Now
he
 is
seated
in
the
place
of
honor
beside
God's
throne.3
Think
of
all
the
hostility
he
 endured
from
sinful
people;*
then
you
won't
become
weary
and
give
up.4
After
all,
you
 have
not
yet
given
your
lives
in
your
struggle
against
sin.
 5
And
have
you
forgotten
the
encouraging
words
God
spoke
to
you
as
his
children?*
He
 said,
 
 "My
child,*
don't
make
light
of
the
LORD's
discipline,
 

and
don't
give
up
when
he
corrects
you.
 6
For
the
LORD
disciplines
those
he
loves,
 

and
he
punishes
each
one
he
accepts
as
his
child."*
(Proverbs
3:11­12)
 
 7
As
you
endure
this
divine
discipline,
remember
that
God
is
treating
you
as
his
own
 children.
Who
ever
heard
of
a
child
who
is
never
disciplined
by
its
father?8
If
God
 doesn't
discipline
you
as
he
does
all
of
his
children,
it
means
that
you
are
illegitimate
 and
are
not
really
his
children
at
all.9
Since
we
respected
our
earthly
fathers
who
 disciplined
us,
shouldn't
we
submit
even
more
to
the
discipline
of
the
Father
of
our
 spirits,
and
live
forever?*
 

10
For
our
earthly
fathers
disciplined
us
for
a
few
years,
doing
the
best
they
knew
 how.
But
God's
discipline
is
always
good
for
us,
so
that
we
might
share
in
his
 holiness.11
No
discipline
is
enjoyable
while
it
is
happening—it's
painful!
But
afterward
 there
will
be
a
peaceful
harvest
of
right
living
for
those
who
are
trained
in
this
way.
 

12
So
take
a
new
grip
with
your
tired
hands
and
strengthen
your
weak
knees.13
Mark
 out
a
straight
path
for
your
feet
so
that
those
who
are
weak
and
lame
will
not
fall
but
 become
strong.
 
 A
Call
to
Listen
to
God
 14
Work
at
living
in
peace
with
everyone,
and
work
at
living
a
holy
life,
for
those
who
 are
not
holy
will
not
see
the
Lord.15
Look
after
each
other
so
that
none
of
you
fails
to
 receive
the
grace
of
God.
Watch
out
that
no
poisonous
root
of
bitterness
grows
up
to
 trouble
you,
corrupting
many.16
Make
sure
that
no
one
is
immoral
or
godless
like
 Esau,
who
traded
his
birthright
as
the
firstborn
son
for
a
single
meal.17
You
know
that
 afterward,
when
he
wanted
his
father's
blessing,
he
was
rejected.
It
was
too
late
for
 repentance,
even
though
he
begged
with
bitter
tears.
 


Family
Matters
 21
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


Differences
between
boys
&
girls


Medical
research
suggests
that
physical
differences
translate
into
behavioural,
 learning
and
developmental
differences
between
the
genders.
Thus,
it
is
important
 to
understand
some
of
the
differences
of
the
sexes.
 
 The
following
was
taken
from:

 Raising
Boys
and
Girls:
Differences
in
Physical
Development
 http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_raising‐boys‐and‐girls‐differences‐in‐ physical‐development_3659005.pc?scid=pcbulletin_20081028:4&pe=2TY9S2q
 
 Gender
identity
 Children
begin
to
identify
themselves
as
a
boy
or
a
girl
as
early
as
18
months.
But
it's
 between
the
ages
of
2
and
6
that
they
begin
to
identify
with
others
of
their
sex
and
 demonstrate
play
and
other
behaviors
that
are
characteristic
of
that
sex.
Most
social
 scientists
agree
that
an
interplay
of
nature
and
nurture
determines
how
these
 gender
roles
play
out.
 
 Physical
growth
 Between
the
big
growth
stages
of
infancy
and
adolescence,
boys
and
girls
grow
in
 height
and
weight
at
about
the
same
slow‐but‐steady
rate.
There
aren't
notable
 differences
between
the
sexes
until
late
elementary
school,
when
girls
start
to
grow
 taller
faster,
although
boys
catch
up
and
exceed
them
within
a
few
years.
 
 Motor
skills
 Boys'
gross
motor
skills
(running,
jumping,
balancing)
tend
to
develop
slightly
 faster,
while
girls'
fine
motor
skills
(holding
a
pencil,
writing)
improve
first.
Often
 girls
show
an
interest
in
art
(painting,
coloring,
crafts)
before
boys
for
this
reason.
 
 Boys
are
also
more
physically
aggressive
and
impulsive,
as
revealed
by
studies
of
 their
brains.
The
pleasure
center
of
the
brain
actually
lights
up
more
for
boys
when
 they
take
risks.
That's
not
to
say
that
girls
aren't
active
and
risk‐taking,
only
that
on
 average
boys
are
more
so.
 
 Verbal
skills
 More
boys
than
girls
are
late
talkers,
and
boys
use
more
limited
vocabularies.
Girls
 are
better
at
reading
nonverbal
signs,
like
tone
of
voice
and
expression,
which
also
 makes
them
better
communicators
early
on,
as
they
can
connect
feelings
and
words
 faster.
 This
is
something
you
can
focus
on
when
reading
books
with
boys:
Point
out
 characters'
emotions,
so
boys
start
to
notice
how
others
are
feeling.
 
 Toilet
training
 Girls
are
potty‐trained
earlier
than
boys
on
average,
though
it's
unclear
whether
this
 is
due
to
physical
differences
or
differences
in
socialization.
(Mom
usually
does
the
 training
and
may
be
easier
for
a
girl
to
identify
with.)
Fewer
girls
wet
the
bed,
too.
 Family
Matters
 22
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters
 Leonard
Sax,
MD,
PhD,
Author
of
“Why
Gender
Matters”
 http://www.whygendermatters.com/
 
 The
brain
develops
differently.
In
girls,
the
language
areas
of
the
brain
develop
 before
the
areas
used
for
spatial
relations
and
for
geometry.
In
boys,
it's
the
other
 way
around.
A
curriculum
which
ignores
those
differences
will
produce
boys
who
 can't
write
and
girls
who
think
they're
"dumb
at
math."

 
 The
brain
is
wired
differently.
In
girls,
emotion
is
processed
in
the
same
area
of
 the
brain
that
processes
language.
So,
it's
easy
for
most
girls
to
talk
about
their
 emotions.
In
boys,
the
brain
regions
involved
in
talking
are
separate
from
the
 regions
involved
in
feeling.
The
hardest
question
for
many
boys
to
answer
is:
"Tell
 me
how
you
feel."
 
 Girls
hear
better.
The
typical
teenage
girl
has
a
sense
of
hearing
seven
times
more
 acute
than
a
teenage
boy.
That's
why
daughters
so
often
complain
that
their
fathers
 are
shouting
at
them.
Dad
doesn't
think
he's
shouting,
but
Dad
doesn't
hear
his
voice
 the
way
his
daughter
does.

 
 Girls
and
boys
respond
to
stress
differently
‐
not
just
in
our
species,
but
in
every
 mammal
scientists
have
studied.
Stress
enhances
learning
in
males.
The
same
stress
 impairs
learning
in
females.
 
 Brain
Differences:
http://www.genderdifferences.org/research‐brain.htm
 By
26
weeks
gestation,
a
fetus’
brain
can
be
identified
as
male
or
female.
 Physically,
men’s
and
women’s
brains
differ
significantly.
 Some
Functional
differences:
 • Language
–
men
use
a
small
portion
of
their
brain,
typically
on
one
side
only.
 Women
tend
to
use
more
of
the
brain,
on
both
hemispheres,
for
the
same
 task.
 • Navigation
–
women
use
landmarks,
men
use
abstracts
like
“north”
or
 “south”,
along
with
absolute
distance.
 • Emotion
–
female
brains
“evolve”
to
better
develop
the
ability
to
express
 emotion
during
adolescence.
In
men,
this
physical
brain
development
does
 not
occur.
Thus,
“asking
a
17‐year‐old
boy
to
talk
about
his
feelings
is
about
 as
productive
as
asking
a
6‐year‐old
boy
to
talk
about
his
feelings.”
 
 Additional
articles
of
interest:
 Learning
Style
Differences:
 • http://www.genderdifferences.org/research‐learning.htm
 The
Truth
About
Boys
by
Leonard
Sax:
 http://www.perseuspromos.com/boysadrift/2007/07/truth‐about‐boys.html
 The
New
Gender
Divide,
At
Colleges,
Women
Are
Leaving
Men
in
the
Dust:
 • http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/09/education/09college.html?_r=1&pag ewanted=all&oref=slogin
 Family
Matters
 23
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


Workshop:
3
biblical
scenarios


Today,
we’re
going
to
do
some
group
work:
 1. Split
up
into
groups
of
4
or
5;
 2. Each
group
will
take
one
of
the
three
questions
listed
below;
 3. Take
25
minutes
to
formulate
a
response;
 4. Present
your
group’s
response
to
the
class
(5
minutes
per
group);
 
 GROUP
1:
Corporal
Punishment
or
Gentle
Leading?
 “Those
who
spare
the
rod
hate
their
children,
 but
those
who
love
them
are
careful
to
discipline
them.”
 
­
(Proverbs
13:24)
 Questions:
 1. What
is
the
“rod”,
in
this
case?
 a. Is
it
a
stick
used
to
punish
or
physically
hit
with?
 b. Is
it
a
shepherd’s
staff
used
to
gently
“guide”
a
parent’s
“flock”?
 c. Or
is
it
something
else?
 2. How
can
we
apply
this
verse
to
parenting
our
own
children?
 
 GROUP
2:
Are
there
traditional
roles
within
the
family
that
can’t
be
redefined?
 1. Are
there
some
roles/activities/behaviours
that
simply
can’t
be
shared
between
 the
sexes?
 2. If
yes,
what
are
they?
 3. What
prevents
these
behaviours
from
crossing
the
gender
barrier?
 
 GROUP
3:
Your
9
year
old
child
comes
to
you
and
asks,
“If
God
is
good,
why
did
 he
let
me
fall
and
break
my
leg?

(or,
insert
your
own
example
of
pain
or
 setback
here)
The
pain
is
too
much
to
stand.
What
does
God
have
to
do
with
 this?
Doesn’t
God
love
me?”
 1. How
do
you
respond?
 2. Suggested
verses
to
help
respond
include:
 o Psalm
139:13‐18;
 o Hebrews
12:5=7;
 o 2
Corinthians
12:7‐10;
 o Numerous
other
verses
–
use
the
concordance!
 
 


Family
Matters
 24
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


Discipline
with
Consistency
 Parent
Training
 “Happy,
healthy
families
have
clearly
expressed
expectations
with
positive
 limits,
boundaries
and
consistent
discipline.
And
it
isn’t
only
the
children
who
 need
to
be
taught.
Parents
are
often
the
ones
who
need
more
help
with
 discipline
than
their
children.”
 
 Jim
Burns
tells
a
story
about
training
a
new
puppy.
Jim
takes
the
puppy
to
an
 obedience
school
for
some
lessons.
The
first
class
doesn’t
involve
the
dogs
at
all…
it
 is
completely
focused
on
the
owners.
This
is
important,
as
the
trainer
tells
the
group
 that,
“Excellent
dog
training
is
at
least
two‐thirds
training
the
humans,
the
easiest
 part
is
working
with
the
dogs.”
 
 The
trainer
then
shares
his
“four
instructions”,
which
the
trainer
actually
obtained
 from
a
parenting
class
at
his
local
church
(the
trainer
was
a
student
of
Jim’s
in
a
 previous
parenting
class).
 1. Show
lots
of
love;
 2. Discipline
with
consistency;
 3. Set
limits
and
boundaries;
and
 4. Express
your
expectations
clearly;
 Let’s
take
a
closer
look
at
each
of
these
 “instructions”.
 “Disciplining
our
children
 
 consistently
is
the
most
 Show
Lots
of
Love
 We’ve
covered
this
one
already
in
previous
 difficult
part
of
being
 classes.
 parents.
We
establish
the
 
 rules,
we
set
the
boundaries,
 Discipline
with
Consistency
 and
then
we
allow
the
rules
 This
is
the
key
to
maintaining
order
and
 to
be
broken.”
 balance
in
the
face
of
potential
discipline
 challenges
in
the
family.
As
Jim
tells
us,
“We
 
 establish
the
rules,
we
set
the
boundaries,
 and
then
we
allow
the
rules
to
be
broken
by
 people
who
are
one‐third
our
age
and
have
one‐third
our
experience
–
usually
when
 we
want
to
be
liked
or
we’re
too
tired
to
do
what’s
right.”
 
 It
is
important
to
be
consistent,
because
if
we
aren’t,
then
we
fail
our
children
in
a
 very
important
way.
Jim
tells
us
that
our
children
require
discipline
and
limits
and
 that
they
will
love
us
and
respect
us
more
for
building
these
rules
and
enforcing
 them.
 
 And,
it
is
important
to
our
children’s
development
to
understand
how
to
follow
 rules.
This
is
a
much
needed
skill
throughout
life
and
failing
to
teach
our
children
 proper
discipline
can
result
in
numerous
problems
down
the
road.
What
kind
of
 problems
can
you
think
of
that
might
occur
if
discipline
is
withheld?
 Family
Matters
 25
 


Boys
&
Girls
–
What
Matters


1. 2. 3. 4.

Choices
and
Consequences
 Jim
provides
a
great
step
by
step
method
to
engage
your
children
in
setting
limits
 and
enforcing
them.
He
suggests
the
following
steps:
 1. Involve
your
children
in
consequential
decision
making
–
Basically,
negotiate
 the
boundaries
and
decide,
together,
upon
the
consequences
to
breaking
 those
boundaries.
 2. Make
sure
that
the
consequences
fit
the
crime
–
Don’t
panic
at
the
earliest
 sign
of
rebellion.
Keep
calm
and
be
consistent.
Kids
can
smell
fear
and
 overreaction
a
mile
away.
Don’t
ever
let
them
see
you
sweat!
 3. Discipline
calmly
–
It
is
important
to
remain
calm.
You’re
the
parent.
Keep
a
 level
head.
If
you
lose
your
cool,
you’ve
lost.
If
you
can’t
keep
your
cool,
delay
 the
discipline
until
a
time
when
you
can
engage
your
children
in
a
calm
 manner.
 4. Express
your
expectations
clearly
–
Make
sure
that
you
and
your
kids
 understand
the
rules.
It’s
not
fair
to
discipline
for
something
that
was
not
 clearly
articulated.
If
you
must,
write
down
your
expectations.
 
 How
to
Keep
Your
Child’s
Spirit
Open
 It
is
important
not
to
drive
your
child
away
when
you
discipline.
You
must
nurture
 your
child,
even
when
you
are
correcting
them.
Consider
the
following
suggestions
 to
help
keep
your
child’s
spirit
open:
 1. Do
not
nag;
 2. Choose
your
battles
wisely;
 3. Show
empathy;
and
 4. Do
not
discipline
in
anger;
 
 Discussion
Starters
 How
would
you
describe
the
type
of
discipline
you
received
growing
up?
 In
what
ways
is
your
discipline
similar
to
your
parents’
and
in
what
ways
is
it
 different?
 Have
you
ever
used
a
contract
for
your
child?
Did
it
work?
 What
elements
in
your
life
make
it
difficult,
at
times,
to
keep
your
child’s
spirit
 open?


Family
Matters
 26
 


Marriage
Matters


Marriage
Matters


Foundations
of
a
Healthy
Marriage
 A
Secure
Foundation
(Bellesi,
pg
23‐35)
 Without
a
secure
foundation,
a
marriage
cannot
possibly
flourish.
Thus,
we
 start
this
section
entitled,
“Marriage
Matters”,
by
discussing
how
to
develop
a
secure
 foundation
in
a
marriage
relationship.
 
 Denny
and
Leesa
Bellesi
suggest
that
we
use
Genesis
2
to
investigate
what
they
 suggest
are
“five
essentials
mentioned
in
this
passage
that
make
up
what
we
 believe
God
says
forms
a
secure
foundation
on
which
to
build
a
lasting
marriage
 relationship.”
 
 1.
A
Common
Desire
 Then
the
LORD
God
said,
"It
is
not
good
for
the
man
to
be
alone.
I
will
make
a
helper
 who
is
just
right
for
him."
–
Genesis
2:18
 • “The
word
helper
means,
by
definition,
and
literally
in
the
Hebrew,
one
who
 matches
him,
one
who
compliments
him.”
(Bellesi,
pg
25)
 • Thus,
this
helper
isn’t
a
maid,
a
servant
or
a
roommate.
 • This
helper
is
an
equal,
a
partner,
a
companion.
 • There
is
a
common
desire
for
companionship.
 
 So
the
LORD
God
formed
from
the
ground
all
the
wild
animals
and
all
the
birds
of
the
 sky.
He
brought
them
to
the
man*
to
see
what
he
would
call
them,
and
the
man
chose
a
 name
for
each
one.20
He
gave
names
to
all
the
livestock,
all
the
birds
of
the
sky,
and
all
 the
wild
animals.
But
still
there
was
no
helper
just
right
for
him.
–
Genesis
2:19­20
 
 2.
A
Common
Appreciation
 So
the
LORD
God
caused
the
man
to
fall
into
a
deep
sleep.
While
the
man
slept,
the
 LORD
God
took
out
one
of
the
man's
ribs*
and
closed
up
the
opening.22
Then
the
LORD
 God
made
a
woman
from
the
rib,
and
he
brought
her
to
the
man.


23
"At
last!"
the
 man
exclaimed.
"This
one
is
bone
from
my
bone,
and
flesh
from
my
flesh!
She
will
be
 called
'woman,'
because
she
was
taken
from
'man.'"
–
Genesis
2:21­23
 • “By
appreciation
we
mean
recognition,
understanding
and
respect
of
both
 the
similarities
and
the
unique
differences
between
a
husband
and
a
wife
as
a
 man
and
a
woman.”
(Bellesi,
pg
27)
 • This
person
is
both
very
much
like
me
–
she
came
from
the
same
stuff
as
me
–
 and
at
the
same
time,
she
is
uniquely
different.
WOW!
 • The
man
appreciates
the
woman
in
this
way
and
vice
versa.
 
 3.
A
Common
Commitment
 This
explains
why
a
man
leaves
his
father
and
mother
and
is
joined
to
his
wife,
and
the
 two
are
united
into
one.
–
Genesis
2:24
 • Two
key
words
here:
“leave”
and
“cleave”.
 • “It’s
being
willing
to
forsake
all
others
to
be
united
to
one
person.”
 Family
Matters
 27
 


Marriage
Matters
 •

“It’s
leaving
the
previous
securities
of
home
and
parents
and
 independence
to
create
a
new
security,
a
new
home,
a
new
priority
of
 loyalties
to
one
person,
and
a
new
interdependence
that
begins
the
 process
of
a
whole
new
way
of
life.”
(Bellesi,
pg.
30)



 4.
A
Common
Trust
 Now
the
man
and
his
wife
were
both
naked,
but
they
felt
no
shame.
–
Genesis
2:25
 • Naked
=
open,
vulnerable
and
transparent
before
each
other.
(Bellesi,
pg
32)
 • They
felt
safe
in
each
other’s
presence.
 • How
comfortable
do
you
feel
in
your
partner’s
presence?
 • How
safe
do
you
feel
to
express
your
insecurities
and
your
failures
and
your
 dreams
and
desires
to
your
partner?
 • In
truth,
many
of
us
do
not
feel
safe
enough
to
share
our
most
intimate
 insecurities,
failures,
etc.
with
our
partners.
 • And,
put
another
way:
How
safe
does
your
partner
feel
in
your
presence?
 
 5.
A
Common
Conviction
 There
is
a
common
thread
throughout
this
section
of
Genesis
2
–
the
conviction
that
 the
man
and
woman
feel
towards
one
another
and
their
common
faith
in
the
Lord
as
 the
very
centre
of
their
marriage
relationship
(Bellesi,
pg.
32).
 
 Consider
these
additional
verses:
 • “Unless
the
Lord
builds
the
house,
its
builders
labour
in
vain.”
–
Psalm
127:1.
 • Two
people
are
better
off
than
one,
for
they
can
help
each
other
succeed.
If
one
 person
falls,
the
other
can
reach
out
and
help.
But
someone
who
falls
alone
is
in
 real
trouble.
Likewise,
two
people
lying
close
together
can
keep
each
other
 warm.
But
how
can
one
be
warm
alone?
A
person
standing
alone
can
be
 attacked
and
defeated,
but
two
can
stand
back­to­back
and
conquer.
Three
are
 even
better,
for
a
triple­braided
cord
is
not
easily
broken.
­
Ecclesiastes
4:9‐12
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. On
a
scale
of
one
to
ten
(with
one
being
the
lowest
and
ten
being
the
highest),
 how
would
you
rate
your
ability
to
be
friends
with
each
other?
 2. On
a
scale
of
one
to
ten,
how
do
you
rate
your
ability
to
respect
your
differences?
 3. On
a
scale
of
one
to
ten,
how
would
you
rate
your
present
level
of
commitment
 to
each
other?
Is
it
the
same
as
it
once
was?
 4. On
a
scale
of
one
to
ten,
how
safe
do
you
feel
with
each
other?
 5. What
are
some
of
the
things
that
you
don’t
feel
like
you
can
share
with
your
 partner?
 6. What
can
you
do
to
create
a
climate
of
safety
and
trust
with
each
other?
 7. What
is
the
shape
of
your
relationship
with
God
on
a
scale
of
one
to
ten,
both
 individually
and
as
a
couple?
 


Family
Matters
 28
 


Marriage
Matters


Love
and
Respect


Taken
from
the
book
Love
&
Respect
by
Dr
Emerson
Eggerichs.
 So
again
I
say,
each
man
must
love
his
wife
as
he
loves
himself,
and
the
wife
must
 respect
her
husband.
–
Ephesians
5:33.
 The
Crazy
Cycle:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 The
Crazy
Cycle
‐
Some
helpful
tips:
 • “Men
hear
criticism
as
contempt;
Women
feel
silence
as
hostility.”
 • Unconditional
Respect
–
is
it
possible?
(1
Peter
2:17‐18)
 • Respect
is
a
man’s
deepest
desire.
 • Husbands:
Do
not
say,
“I
told
you
so!”
 • Conflict
and
criticism
makes
men
feel
disrespected.
 • A
wife’s
self‐image
may
depend
on
her
husband’s
approval.
 • Men
need
to
feel
respect
–
this
can
take
many
forms.
 • Women
need
to
feel
love
–
this
can
take
many
forms.
 
 The
Energizing
Cycle:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Family
Matters
 29
 


Marriage
Matters
 COUPLE
–
How
to
Spell
Love
to
Your
Wife:
 • Closeness
–
She
wants
you
to
be
close
 • • • • •

Openness
–
She
wants
you
to
open
up
to
her
 Understanding
–
Don’t
try
to
“fix”
her;
Just
listen
 Peacemaking
–
She
wants
you
to
say,
“I’m
sorry”
 Loyalty
–She
needs
to
know
you’re
committed
 Esteem
–
She
wants
you
to
honour
and
cherish
her



 CHAIRS
–
How
to
Spell
Respect
to
Your
Husband:
 • Conquest
–
Apreciate
his
desire
to
work
and
achieve
 • • • • •

Hierarchy
–
Appreciate
his
desire
to
protect
and
provide
 Authority
–
Appreciate
his
desire
to
serve
and
to
lead
 Insight
–
Appreciate
his
desire
to
analyze
and
control
 Relationship
–
Appreciate
his
desire
for
shoulder‐to‐shoulder
friendship
 Sexuality
–
Appreciate
his
desire
for
sexual
intimacy



 Always
ask
yourself:
 • Is
what
I
am
about
to
say
or
do
going
to
feel
unloving
to
her?
 • Is
what
I
am
about
to
say
or
do
going
to
feel
disrespectful
to
him?
 
 Things
to
remember:
 • Even
though
feeling
disrespected,
pull
back
from
being
unloving
toward
her.
 • Even
though
feeling
unloved,
pull
back
from
being
disrespectful
toward
him.
 • When
she
is
being
critical
or
angry,
she
is
crying
out
for
your
love;
her
intent
 is
not
to
be
disrespectful.
 • When
he
is
being
harsh,
or
stonewalling
you,
he
is
crying
out
for
respect;
his
 intent
is
not
to
be
unloving.
 • If
you
defend
your
lack
of
love,
she
will
feel
unloved.
 • If
you
defend
your
lack
of
respect,
he
will
feel
disrespected.
 • If
you
have
failed
to
love
her,
do
something
loving.
 • If
you
have
failed
to
respect
him,
do
something
respectful.
 • The
best
way
to
motivate
her
is
by
meeting
her
need
for
love.
 • The
best
way
to
motivate
him
is
by
meeting
his
need
for
respect.
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. Are
love
and
respect
the
same
thing?
 2. Define
love.
 3. Define
respect.
 4. Do
you
agree
or
disagree
with
the
premise
behind
today’s
class
(men
need
 respect,
women
need
love)?


Family
Matters
 30
 


Marriage
Matters


Emotional
Intelligence


Taken
from
the
book
Emotional
Intelligence
by
Daniel
Goleman.
And,
thanks
to
 Wikipedia
for
some
great
summary
information
as
well.
 
 “Emotional
Intelligence
(EI),
describes
a
concept
that
involves
the
ability,
capacity,
 skill
or
a
self‐perceived
ability,
to
identify,
assess,
and
manage
the
emotions
of
one's
 self,
of
others,
and
of
groups.
Because
it
is
a
relatively
new
area
of
psychological
 research,
the
concept
is
constantly
changing.”
(taken
from
Wikipedia.org)
 
 The
model
introduced
by
Daniel
Goleman
focuses
on
EI
as
a
wide
array
of
 competencies
and
skills
that
drive
leadership
performance.
Goleman's
model
 outlines
four
main
EI
constructs:
 1. Self‐awareness
—
the
ability
to
read
one's
emotions
and
recognize
their
impact
 while
using
gut
feelings
to
guide
decisions.
 2. Self‐management
—
involves
controlling
one's
emotions
and
impulses
and
 adapting
to
changing
circumstances.
 3. Social
awareness
—
the
ability
to
sense,
understand,
and
react
to
others'
 emotions
while
comprehending
social
networks.
 4. Relationship
management
—
the
ability
to
inspire,
influence,
and
develop
others
 while
managing
conflict.
 
 “Emotional
competencies
are
not
innate
talents,
but
rather
learned
capabilities
that
 must
be
worked
on
and
developed
to
achieve
outstanding
performance.
Goleman
 posits
that
individuals
are
born
with
a
general
emotional
intelligence
that
 determines
their
potential
for
learning
emotional
competencies.”
(taken
from
 Wikipedia.org)
 
 Useful
skills
in
exercising
Emotional
Intelligence
 Emotional
Skills:
 • Identifying
and
labeling
feelings;
 • Expressing
feelings;
 • Assessing
the
intensity
of
feelings;
 • Managing
feelings;
 • Delaying
gratification;
 • Controlling
impulses;
 • Reducing
stress;
 • Knowing
the
difference
between
feelings
and
actions;
 (Taken
from
“Appendix
D”
of
the
book,
Emotional
Intelligence
 
 The
Self
Science
Curriculum:
 This
section
is
“Appendix
E”
of
the
book,
Emotional
Intelligence:
 The
main
components
of
the
“self
development”
suggested
by
EI,
are:
 1. Self­awareness:
observing
yourself
and
recognizing
your
feelings,
building
a
 vocabulary
of
feelings,
knowing
the
relationship
between
thoughts,
feelings,
and
 reactions.
 Family
Matters
 31
 


Marriage
Matters
 2. Personal
decision
making:
examining
your
actions
and
knowing
their
 consequences;
knowing
if
thought
or
feeling
is
ruling
a
decision;
applying
these
 insights
to
issues
such
as
sex
and
drugs.
 3. Managing
feelings:
monitoring
“self‐talk”
to
catch
negative
messages
such
as
 internal
put‐downs;
realizing
what
is
behind
a
feeling
(e.g.
the
hurt
that
 underlies
anger);
finding
ways
to
handle
fears
and
anxieties,
anger,
and
sadness.
 4. Handling
stress:
learning
the
value
of
exercise,
guided
imagery,
relaxation
 methods.
 5. Empathy:
understanding
others’
feelings
and
concerns
and
taking
their
 perspective;
appreciating
the
differences
in
how
people
feel
about
things.
 6. Communications:
talking
about
feelings
effectively;
becoming
a
good
listener
 and
question‐asker;
distinguishing
between
what
someone
does
or
says
and
 your
own
reactions
or
judgments
about
it;
sending
“I”
messages
instead
of
 blame.
 7. Self­disclosure:
valuing
openness
and
building
trust
in
a
relationship;
knowing
 when
it’s
safe
to
risk
talking
about
your
private
feelings.
 8. Insight:
identifying
patterns
in
your
emotional
life
and
reactions;
recognizing
 similar
patterns
in
others.
 9. Self­acceptance:
feeling
pride
and
seeing
yourself
in
a
positive
light;
 recognizing
your
strengths
and
weaknesses,
being
able
to
laugh
at
yourself.
 10. Personal
responsibility:
taking
responsibility;
recognizing
the
consequences
of
 your
decisions
and
actions,
accepting
your
feelings
and
moods,
following
 through
on
commitments
(e.g.
to
studying).
 11. Assertiveness:
stating
your
concerns
and
feelings
without
anger
or
passivity.
 12. Group
dynamics:
cooperation;
knowing
when
and
how
to
lead,
when
to
follow.
 13. Conflict
resolution:
how
to
fight
fair
with
other
kids,
with
parents,
with
 teachers;
the
win/win
model
for
negotiating
compromise.
 (taken
from
Emotional
Intelligence,
pg
303‐304.)
 
 Criticisms
of
Emotional
Intelligence:
 1. EI
is
too
broadly
defined
and
the
definitions
are
unstable;
 2. EI
cannot
be
recognized
as
a
form
of
intelligence;
 3. EI
has
no
substantial
predictive
value;
 4. Ability
based
measures
are
measuring
conformity,
not
ability;
 5. Ability
based
measures
are
measuring
knowledge
(not
actual
ability);
 6. Self
report
measures
are
susceptible
to
faking
good
 7. Claims
for
the
predictive
power
of
EI
are
too
extreme;
 8. EI,
IQ
and
job
performance;
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. Is
this
a
valuable
topic
of
discussion?
 2. What
value
do
you
think
this
adds
to
your
relationships
with
others?
 3. In
what
ways
do
you
think
you
could
apply
this
topic
to
your
marriage
 relationship?


Family
Matters
 32
 


Marriage
Matters


Setting
goals
and
priorities


Setting
Goals
and
Priorities
in
Your
Marriage
(Harvey,
pg.
139‐150)
 “By
design,
a
marriage
is
supposed
to
grow.
Remember,
we
are
in
process.
And
 being
in
process,
there
is
probably
nothing
more
important
in
encouraging
this
 growth
to
occur
than
for
you
to
have
goals
and
priorities
for
your
relationship.”
 (Harvey,
pg
140)
 
 Planning
makes
all
the
difference
 We
must
create
a
“plan
to
keep
your
love
alive,
no
matter
what”.
 Some
statistics:
(Harvey,
pg
141)
 • “Most
divorces
occur
for
couples
married
less
than
five
years”
 • “The
proportion
of
divorces
is
highest
for
couples
married
three
years”
 • The
highest
ranked
problematic
issue
was
“balancing
time
and
relationship”
 • Second
most
problematic
issue:
“frequency
of
sexual
relations”
 • “Research
tells
us
there
is
a
significant
drop
in
sexual
activity
after
two
years
 of
marriage.”
 Question:
do
you
think
there
is
a
relationship
between
these
statistics?
 • If
you
aren’t
spending
enough
time
with
your
spouse,
then
your
emotional
 connection
is
going
to
suffer.
And
from
that,
your
physical
intimacy
will
 suffer
as
well.
 Thus,
it
is
important
to
plan
to
keep
your
marriage
alive.
But
how
do
we
do
this?
 
 Three
basic
marriage
goals
 We
need
to
make
“a
decision
to
hold
your
commitment
to
the
needs
of
the
 relationship
over
personal
comfort.”
 
 1.
Choosing
to
deal:
(Harvey,
pg
143)
 • “Dealing
is
a
term
that
describes
how
well
you
handle
conflict
in
your
 relationship.
[…]
Establishing
the
goal
of
facing
and
dealing
with
your
anger
 is
done
to
protect
your
marriage.”
 2.
Choosing
to
share:
(Harvey,
pg
145)
 • “The
sharing
of
yourself,
who
you
are,
your
dreams,
why
you
think
as
you
do,
 your
fears.”
 • Sharing
“isn’t
necessarily
easy
–
and
it
definitely
requires
that
you
take
a
risk
 –
but
it
is
this
type
of
behaviour
that
helps
you
reach
your
goal
of
an
intimate
 marriage.”
 3.
Choosing
to
give:
(Harvey,
pg
146)
 • Does
this
sound
familiar:
“I’m
always
the
giver,
and
he’s
always
the
taker.
It’s
 his
way
or
no
way.
And
I’m
fed
up
with
it.”
 • “Mutuality
is
key
in
a
marriage.
[…]
Marriage
is
going
to
cost
you
something.”
 • “That
means
you
have
to
intend
to
be
giving.”
 • “Look
for
ways
to
give
to
your
mate.
Learn
his
or
her
love
languages.
Seek
to
 do
the
things
that
he
or
she
truly
values.”
 Prioritize
your
marriage,
make
it
important,
give
it
the
love
that
it
needs
to
grow,
 and
nurture
it
to
its
fullest.
 Family
Matters
 33
 


Marriage
Matters


Sexual
intimacy
 Taken from Love Is A Decision by John Smalley and John Trent. Chapter 10: Keeping Courtship Alive in Marriage Romance is the act of keeping your courtship alive long after the wedding day. Smalley offers three ways of keeping courtship alive with our spouse. They are: 1. Developing a deep level of friendship through shared interests; • We must grow a friendship of shared interests with our spouses. • Remember last week’s suggestion to become “students of our spouses’ interests” 2. Discovering each other’s relational “tens” and making plans to make them happen; • Ask your spouse, “on a scale of one to ten, what’s a romantic ten to you?” • Write those things down! • Follow up on them! 3. Celebrate the Moments of your life; • Recognize your spouse’s contributions to your life. • Celebrate this recognition through tangible experiences that will remain memorable. The cardinal rules of romance: 1. Make sure the romantic activity you’re involved in receives your full, undivided attention; 2. Make sure you’re doing the activity for your spouse’s best interests, not yours. For Twenty Creative, Romantic Ideas That Cost under $20: See page 141. Chapter 11: Sex Is Much More Than Physical Intimacy “Does physical intimacy mean the same to a man as it does to a woman? Hardly.” The basic physical need of a man: • In most cases, the sexual act. Coming in a close second, nonsexual touching. The basic physical need of a woman: • Meaningful communication, nonsexual touching, and then sex. This is where the tremendous value of a man is required. Men need to nurture their relationships in order for them to flourish. At the heart of nurturing our loves ones are providing: • Deep-seated security; • Meaningful conversation; • Emotional/romantic times; and • Positive physical touching; Two important characteristics are required for intimate relations. They are: Purity of character: This requires being honest, dedicated, comforting and emotionally available. Showing honour and respect: Encourage your spouse, don’t put them down, don’t put unfair or disrespectful demands upon your spouse, love and appreciate the uniqueness and beauty of your spouse. Family
Matters
 34
 


Marriage
Matters
 Group discussion: 1. In what ways do you keep courtship alive in your relationship? 2. On a scale of one to ten, what’s a romantic ten to you? 3. What is one recent “moment of recognition” that you would like to celebrate for your spouse? 4. What are some creative, romantic ideas? 5. What are some barriers to romantic behaviour? What would it take to remove these romantic barriers? 6. Do you agree with the differences in the basic physical needs of men and women as defined in this week’s handout? Why or why not? 7. How do the differences in male-female physical needs affect your attitude toward your partner? 8. It is as important for a man to have feelings of adequacy as it is for a woman to have her need for intimacy fulfilled. How can a wife motivate her husband through her acceptance of him as a man who has different thought patterns and emotions than she has? 9. Where does the responsibility to maintain a healthy physical relationship lie, with the husband, with the wife, or with both? In what ways can each spouse contribute to this aspect of a relationship? 
 
 


Family
Matters
 35
 


Marriage
Matters
 


Playing
Together


If
a
man
insisted
on
being
serious,
and
never
allowed
himself
a
bit
of
fun
and
 relaxation,
he
would
go
mad
or
become
unstable
without
knowing
it.
(Arp,
pg.
151‐ 163)
 
 Secret
One:
Develop
the
Dating
Habit
 There
are
plenty
of
excuses
as
to
why
couples
don’t
date.
But,
instead
of
excuses,
 focus
on
the
reasons
“why
you
should
date”:
 1. Dating
helps
you
focus
on
your
marriage;
 2. Dating
restores
your
communication;
 3. Dating
prevents
boredom;
 4. Dating
builds
your
relationship;
 
 How
mates
can
date:
 1. Proposal
date
–
go
to
a
public
place
and
ask
your
mate
to
marry
you
again.
 Reminisce
about
your
first
dates,
how
you
first
met,
etc.
 2. Workout
date
–
Exercise
together.
 3. Photo
date
–
Go
on
a
date
to
somewhere
scenic,
bring
along
a
camera,
and
take
 some
pictures
of
one
another.
 4. Window
shopping
date
–
Go
shopping
together
when
the
stores
are
closed.
That
 way,
you
don’t
spend
money.
You
just
look
from
afar.
 5. Home
Depot
date
–
Discuss
home
reno
projects
and
what
you’d
like
to
do
around
 the
house.
 6. Formal
dinner
in
the
park
date
–
Picnic
in
the
sun
or
under
the
stars.
 7. Back
roads
date
–
take
a
drive
in
the
country
and
see
where
it
takes
you.
 8. Gourmet
cooking
date
–
Attempt
a
fancy
dinner
together:
plan
the
meal,
buy
the
 groceries,
and
cook
it
together.
 9. I’m
just‐too‐tired
date
–
put
the
kids
to
bed,
order
take‐out,
turn
on
the
 answering
machine,
pop
in
a
video
and
just
relax
and
enjoy
each
other.
 
 What
not
to
do
on
a
date:
 1. Don’t
talk
about
your
kids.
You
already
talk
about
them
all
the
time.
 2. Don’t
chat
about
in‐laws.
It
might
lead
to
a
fight.
 3. Don’t
go
to
the
movies.
You
can’t
interact.
 4. Don’t
discuss
money.
For
many
couples,
this
is
a
tense
topic.
 
 


Family
Matters
 36
 


Marriage
Matters
 Secret
Two:
Give
the
Gift
of
Encouragement
 • Look
for
ways
to
give
each
other
compliments;
 • Write
each
other
love
notes;
 • Have
special
kisses;
 • Handle
conflict
with
a
light
touch;
 • Have
pet
names
for
one
another;
 • Have
shared
goals
that
are
bigger
than
each
one
of
you;
 
 “Take
Marriage
Vitamins”:
 • Hug
each
other
for
twenty
seconds
each
day;
 • Leave
a
loving
message
on
your
partner’s
voice
mail
or
e‐mail;
 • Give
your
mate
an
unexpected
little
gift;
 • Clean
the
toilet
without
being
asked;
 • Put
toothpaste
on
your
spouse’s
toothbrush
while
he
or
she
is
in
the
shower;
 • Give
your
spouse
a
one‐minute
shoulder
rub;
 • Rent
your
favourite
old
movie
from
your
dating
days
to
watch
together;
 
 Secret
Three:
Keep
the
Passion
Alive
 1. Find
a
weekly
time
–
schedule
time
for
intimacy;
 2. Take
the
initiative
–
Plan
for
fun.
Spend
time
thinking
about
loving
your
partner;
 3. Choose
to
be
creative
–
Step
outside
of
the
box.
Plan
a
weekend
away,
think
of
 new
ways
to
be
romantic;
 4. Kiss
for
ten
seconds
every
morning
when
you
say
goodbye
and
every
evening
 when
you
say
hello;
 5. Flirt
with
each
other.
Even
when
there
isn’t
time
for
sex,
make
sure
your
mate
 knows
you
want
to.
 6. While
getting
ready
for
bed,
light
a
scented
candle
and
turn
on
some
romantic
 music
on
the
radio
or
CD
player;
 7. Pull
down
the
covers
on
the
bed
and
leave
a
candy
mint
on
the
pillow;
 8. Spend
time
talking
about
loving
each
other;
 9. Tell
your
mate
ten
reasons
you’d
marry
him
or
her
all
over
again;
 10. Buy
a
new
mood
music
tape
or
CD;
 
 


Family
Matters
 37
 


Marriage
Matters


Creating
your
own
traditions


Tradition
is
entirely
different
from
habit,
even
from
an
excellent
habit,
since
habit
is
by
 definition
an
unconscious
acquisition
and
tends
to
become
mechanical,
whereas
 tradition
results
from
a
conscious
and
deliberate
acceptance…
Tradition
presupposes
 the
reality
of
what
endures.
(Parrott,
pg.
164
–
171)
 
 Many
relationships
start
strong,
with
the
heat
of
passion
turned
up
full
blast.
Think
 of
Romeo
and
Juliet,
Brad
and
Angelina,
etc.
But,
this
initial
passion
rarely
lasts.
Add
 going
to
work,
paying
the
bills,
grocery
shopping
and
changing
diapers
to
the
mix,
 and
you
will
soon
find
that
passion
fades,
fizzles
or
at
the
very
least,
simmers
at
a
 lower
heat.
 
 “You
can’t
expect
your
marriages
to
be
a
long‐running
cinematic
fairly
tale.
Those
 couples
who
hold
on
to
this
faulty
expectation
end
up
drinking
the
poison
of
 adultery
or
trading
partners
to
reinvent
the
fantasy,
hoping
that
this
time
they’ll
get
 it
right.”
(Parrott,
165)
 
 The
Secret
to
Long
Lasting
Love
 Do
everything
you
can
in
your
first
few
years
of
marriage
to
establish
habits
and
 traditions
of
loving
behaviour.
 
 Categories
of
traditions:
 1. The
little
ones
–
Have
you
ever
been
bitten
by
an
elephant?
Probably
not.
Have
 you
ever
been
bitten
by
a
mosquito?
Probably
so.
This
illustrates
that
the
little
 things
mean
a
lot.
 o How
you
say
goodbye
in
the
morning
or
greet
each
other
at
night;
 o Say
please
and
thank
you;
 o Are
you
more
polite
with
strangers
than
you
are
with
your
spouse?
 2. Make
dating
a
habit
–
Make
time
for
regular
couple
time,
with
no
distractions.
 o Go
out
for
dinner,
go
to
a
movie
or
for
a
long
romantic
walk;
 o Consider
an
overnight
stay
at
a
hotel
every
few
months
and
a
one‐week
 vacation
every
year;
 o It’s
important
to
make
this
couple
time,
even
after
kids
arrive;
 3. Create
holiday
traditions
of
your
own:
 o When
two
people
come
together,
they
bring
distinct
traditions
with
them.
 o Each
person’s
traditions
needs
to
be
respected;
 o Try
to
make
your
own
traditions,
distinct
from
individual
traditions;
 o “It’s
important
that
as
you
blend
your
marriage
together
you
keep
some
 holidays
for
your
own
traditions
and
discuss
ways
to
blend.”
(Parrott,
 170)
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. Do
you
find
“the
little
ones”
tough
to
do?
 2. Have
you
had
challenges
deciding
between
conflicting
traditions
–
different
 expectations
for
Christmas,
for
example?
How
did
you
resolve
these
items? Family
Matters
 38
 


Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters?


Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters?


Maslow’s
Hierarchy
and
parental
needs
 
 Abraham
Maslow
has,
for
over
50
years,
provided
a
valuable
model
for
 understanding
human
behaviour
and
motivation.
Let’s
use
Maslow’s
model
as
a
 starting
point
to
generate
a
helpful
model
of
parental
motivation
and
needs.
 



 Using
this
model
as
a
starting
point,
let’s
discuss:
 1. Do
you
understand
your
needs
and
how
they
map
to
Maslow’s
diagram?
 2. Do
you
think
that
your
needs
have
changed
since
you
have
had
children?
If
yes,
 how?
 3. There
is
bound
to
be
a
tension
between
your
needs
and
the
time,
energy
and
 resources
that
you
have
available
to
fulfill
those
needs:
 a. Describe
some
of
those
tensions;
 b. What
barriers
currently
exist
to
meeting
all
of
your
needs;
 c. Do
you
think
there
will
come
a
time
when
your
needs
will
become
 primary
again?
 4. Is
it
healthy
or
selfish
to
try
and
fulfill
your
own
needs
at
the
expense
of
those
 around
you?




Family
Matters
 39
 


Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters?


Importance
of
Self


In
psychology,
self­esteem
reflects
a
person's
overall
evaluation
or
appraisal
of
his
or
 her
own
worth.
 
 Self­esteem
encompasses
beliefs
(for
example,
"I
am
competent/incompetent")
and
 emotions
(for
example,
triumph/despair,
pride/shame).
Behavior
may
reflect
self­ esteem
(for
example,
assertiveness/shyness,
confidence/caution).
 
 Psychologists
usually
regard
self­esteem
as
an
enduring
personality
characteristic
 (trait
self­esteem),
though
normal,
short­term
variations
(state
self­esteem)
occur.
 
 Self­esteem
can
apply
specifically
to
a
particular
dimension
(for
example,
"I
believe
I
 am
a
good
writer,
and
feel
proud
of
that
in
particular")
or
have
global
extent
(for
 example,
"I
believe
I
am
a
good
person,
and
feel
proud
of
myself
in
general").
 
 Synonyms
or
near­synonyms
of
self­esteem
include:
self­worth,
self­regard,
self­respect,
 self­love
(which
can
express
overtones
of
self­promotion),
self­integrity.
Self­esteem
is
 distinct
from
self­confidence
and
self­efficacy,
which
involve
beliefs
about
ability
and
 future
performance.
(Self‐esteem,
Wikipedia)
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. Do
you
think
it
is
important
to
encourage
“development
of
self”
within
a
 marriage
relationship?
Why
or
why
not?
 2. In
what
ways
can
an
individual
become
“lost”
in
a
marriage/family
relationship?
 3. How
can
a
couple
encourage
development
of
self
within
a
marriage
relationship?
 4. Are
certain
characteristics
required
in
a
marriage
before
development
of
self
can
 comfortably
be
developed?
(for
example:
security,
comfort
with
your
spouse,
 etc.)?
 5. In
what
ways
can
lack
of
self
harm
a
marriage
relationship?
 


Family
Matters
 40
 


Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters?


What
matters
to
moms


Today’s
class
is
all
about
moms.
What
matters
to
moms?
What
do
moms
want?
What
 do
moms
need?
 
 Today
we’re
going
to
let
the
moms
do
the
talking.
And
guys,
we’re
just
going
to
 listen.
No
judgments,
no
rebuttals,
no
disagreeing,
no
nothing.
Just
listen.
 
 Moms,
today
is
your
day
to
offer
some
insight
into
what
matters
to
you.
Brainstorm.
 Let
it
all
out.

 
 The
goal
is
to
make
sure
that
nothing
is
left
unsaid
in
terms
of
“what
matters
to
 moms”.
At
least
then,
if
the
guys
still
don’t
know,
well…
it’ll
be
their
own
fault.
 
 Discussion
starters:
 1. What
matters
to
moms?
 2. What
do
moms
want?
 3. What
do
moms
need?
 4. What
matters
to
moms:
 o At
home?
 o At
work?
 o At
play?
 o With
their
spouses?
 o With
their
kids?
 o Other?
 5. Other?
 


Family
Matters
 41
 


Moms
&
Dads
–
What
Matters?


What
matters
to
dads


Today’s
class
is
all
about
dads.
What
matters
to
dads?
What
do
dads
want?
What
do
 dads
need?
 
 Today
we’re
going
to
let
the
dads
do
the
talking.
And
women,
we’re
just
going
to
 listen.
No
judgments,
no
rebuttals,
no
disagreeing,
no
nothing.
Just
listen.
 
 Dads,
today
is
your
day
to
offer
some
insight
into
what
matters
to
you.
Brainstorm.
 Let
it
all
out.

 
 The
goal
is
to
make
sure
that
nothing
is
left
unsaid
in
terms
of
“what
matters
to
 dads”.
At
least
then,
if
the
women
still
don’t
know,
well…
it’ll
be
their
own
fault.
 
 Discussion
starters:
 6. What
matters
to
dads?
 7. What
do
dads
want?
 8. What
do
dads
need?
 9. What
matters
to
dads:
 o At
home?
 o At
work?
 o At
play?
 o With
their
spouses?
 o With
their
kids?
 o Other?
 10. Other?
 


Family
Matters
 42
 


Finances
Matter


Finances
Matter


The
Best
Things
in
Life
Are
Not
Things
(Burns,
165‐181)

 “There
are
two
economic
systems
battling
for
your
family’s
soul.
The
world’s
value
 system
places
emphasis
on
things
and
stuff.
God’s
value
is
invested
in
people,
 stewardship
and
beauty.”
 
 Everyone
needs
to
deal
with
financial
decisions.
Bad
financial;
planning
can
place
 tremendous
stresses
on
relationships.
According
to
a
stat
in
the
book,
“56
percent
of
 all
divorces
are
the
result
of
financial
tension
in
the
home.”
And,
Jim
also
mentions
 that
some
of
the
happiest
families
he
has
seen
have
lived
in
some
of
the
poorest
 conditions
in
the
world.
 
 The
question
becomes:
do
we
need
a
lot
of
material
things
to
keep
us
happy?
 
 Financial
counselors
Ron
and
Judy
Blue
suggest
the
following
four
stewardship
 principles
to
live
by:
 1. God
owns
it
all;
 2. There
is
always
a
trade‐off
between
time
and
effort
and
money
and
rewards;
 3. There
is
no
such
thing
as
an
“independent
financial
decions”;
 4. Delayed
gratification
is
the
key
to
financial
maturity;
 
 Basic
financial
principles:
 1. Spend
less
than
you
make;
 2. A
budget
is
a
must;
 3. Debt
is
slavery;
 4. Delayed
gratification
is
the
answer;
 5. Give
10
percent
and
save
10
percent
of
your
income;
 
 Financial
Education
for
Children:
 1. Teach
your
children
about
and
help
them
develop
a
stewardship
plan;
 2. Consider
your
children’s
allowance
to
be
their
pay
cheque;
 3. Teach
your
children
early
to
save
and
tithe;
 4. Help
your
children
understand
the
positive
power
of
a
budget;
 
 Discussion
Starters:
 1. When
you
were
growing
up,
did
your
family
have
a
stewardship
plan?
 2. What
have
you
done
to
teach
the
concept
of
stewardship
to
your
children?
 3. Which
section
of
this
chapter
challenged
you
the
most?
 4. What
decisions
do
you
need
to
make
as
a
family
about
your
finances?
 5. What
is
the
significance
of
the
following
Scripture?
How
can
these
words
of
 Jesus
help
a
family
with
their
finances?
 a. For
where
your
treasure
is,
there
your
heart
will
be
also.
No
one
can
 serve
two
masters.
Either
he
will
have
the
one
and
love
the
other,
or
 he
will
be
devoted
to
the
one
and
despise
the
other.
You
cannot
serve
 both
God
and
Money
(Matt
6:21,
24).
 Family
Matters
 43
 


Finances
Matter


6
Steps
to
Building
a
Personal
Financial
Plan


Taken
from
TD
Canada
Trust’s
website:
 http://www.tdcanadatrust.com/planning/rdmap.jsp
 
 1. Setting
goals
and
objectives
is
the
first
step
of
any
financial
planning
process
‐
if
 you
do
not
know
where
you
are
going,
how
can
you
know
when
you
get
there,
or
 even
decide
which
route
to
take?
Setting
goals
and
objectives
is
the
foundation
of
 any
sound
financial
plan.
 a. Compile
short
and
long
term
goals;
 b. Prioritize
your
goals.
 
 2. No
matter
where
you
are
heading,
you
need
to
assess
where
you
are
now,
and
 what
you
already
have
in
place
for
the
journey.
Data
gathering
will
ensure
that
 your
personal
documents
are
up‐to‐date
and
that
you
know
your
current
 financial
situation.
 a. Create
a
net‐worth
and
cash
inflow/outflow
worksheet;
 
 3. Heading
in
a
general
direction
won't
guarantee
success
in
reaching
your
final
 destination.
Before
heading
out
on
your
journey,
do
your
analysis
and
find
 solutions.
This
strategy
will
assist
you
in
reaching
your
stated
goals
and
will
 provide
you
with
a
roadmap
to
help
you
achieve
these
goals.
Consider:
 a. Retirement
planning;
 b. Education
planning;
 c. Debt
management;
 d. Life
Insurance;
 e. Saving
for
other
goals;
 
 4. Your
financial
plan
should
confirm
that
your
goals
are
achievable,
and
 appropriate
recommendations
will
help
define
what
you
need
to
do
to
ensure
 that
you
reach
these
goals.
 
 5. A
financial
plan
is
only
helpful
if
the
recommendations
are
put
into
action.
 Implementing
strategies
will
assure
you
reach
your
destination.
 
 6. Finally,
follow‐up
and
annual
reviews
are
critical
to
ensuring
you
maintain
a
 clear
focus
in
order
to
succeed.
 
 Discussion
Starters:
 1. Which
of
the
above
items
do
you
find
the
most
valuable?
Why?
 2. Does
this
seem
simple
or
hard
to
put
into
action?
Why
or
why
not?
 3. To
use
a
financial
planner
or
not
–
how
do
you
decide?
 
 


Family
Matters
 44
 


Finances
Matter


10
Laws
of
Building
Wealth


Taken
from
MoneySense
Magazine,
August
2007:
 http://www.canadianbusiness.com/my_money/investing/article.jsp?content=2007 0822_124206_4640
 
 1. Know
the
enemy
 2. Talk
to
yourself
 3. Start
saving
 4. Don't
be
too
smart
 5. Get
over
it
 6. Know
your
edge
 7. Be
scattered
 8. Sweat
the
small
stuff
 9. Be
a
couch
potato
 10. Sex
works
 
 


Family
Matters
 45
 


Finances
Matter


Raising
a
family
on
a
budget
 
 


Family
Matters
 46
 


Bibliography


Bibliography


Abraham
Maslow's
Hierarchy
of
Needs
and
diagrams
of
Maslow's
motivational
 theory
‐
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diagrams
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 http://www.businessballs.com/maslow.htm
;
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04
April
2009.
 
 Arp,
David
and
Claudia,
The
Importance
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Playing
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Dr.
David
Stoop
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 Dr.
Jan
Stoop,
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Baker
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 Bellesi,
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 editors,
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2002).
 
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2003).
 
 Eggerichs,
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 Emotional
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 Goleman,
Daniel,
Emotional
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 Harvey,
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Setting
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 McMinn,
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 Meeker,
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 Oliver,
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 Jan
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 Publishing
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2004).
 
 Parrott,
Les
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 Raising
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Family
Matters
 48