Art School

ART SCHOOL AND AFTER

M o ther

did her best

to b e my life's

work.

a livin g

"just

stan d in g

was'her

o f m y not

true

on e 's

to

for

S h e c o u ld

me .

a n d t ru t h f u lly ,

S he w a s rig h t

occupation.

a stop - gap

all

to

ju s t

myse lf

of

e a rn in g

b e lie v e

in

c o n c e iv e

not

L o t h in k

I hated

B ut she wa s wro n g t o

support

p u rp o s e

the

t o a ma n o f me a n s a n d s o c ia l

Ma rria g e

amb it io n

at

p ossibiiity.

tha t

wa s t o b e f o r

It

in case".

marrying

a n d e n c o u ra g e wh a t s h e b e lie v e d

to f in d

Iove

o n e s h o u ld

t h in k

of

of

a s s imp ly

it

c a s e t h e ma rria g e

d id n ' t

w or k. So I

was shipped

pr e pared

il1

m o the r

to

telling

off

face

to

a rt

bein g

me how to

g ir ls

mother

didn't

had

liv e

do.

told

This,

wo u ld the shame I felt w as

people

th at

witho u t

for

any conditions my forming

a "n o thing"

would

life; I

that

wa s a

e xisted . m i1 d ,

a lack target

for

I accepted

c onforming

atte n ti on s

of

me t h e re

had never

b re a k in g

t h e ru le s .

that

I

be

I d id n ' t

n o t h in g

self- re s p e c t abus e

of d id

because

what lo v e

lovers

wit h o u t

f u n c t io n

I

t h in g rs R€ ,

and

know then that

nor

b rin g

I o v ed g u ilt

f e e lin g

substance

d id n ' t

n ic e

My ma in c o n c e rn

accepted

re a l not

b o u n d a rie s

stopped

or that

a n d a t t e n t io n me .

mo ra l

c e rt a in

h o we v e r,

manner b ro u g h t

a few

we re

ne w re la t io n s h ip s

attract of

I h a d n o f o rma l

atta c h e d .

wo u ld a ffect

V irg in ia ,

Ric h mo n d ,

my lif e .

me a n d

like

in

o n my o wn a n d t o

Th e r e were ups and dow n s . a ltho u g h

school

lik e

in t o

re s p e c t ;

know that

my that

abuse

my g o o d lo o k s

I we lc o me d t h e

wh o u s e d me a s s u c h .

and

shoddy

Un f u lf ilin g

r e la ti on ships wa ited

of no substa n c e someone to

for

e n co u r agement

a rt

in

my future

I h a d sabotaged in cident.

p o ssib ility.

I

I

re c e iv e d

one fuI1

1 if e .

y e a r r^ ra ss t o le n .

I took

had

been

had

left

my wo rk

my p o rt f o lio

a f t e r,

f u l1

t o ld

was

f or

re s p o n s ib ilit y be

to

It

wa s a s t h o u g h

It

f ro m me .

We

f la t t e rin g

Cla s s .

S h o rt ly

had b e e n t a k e n

my whole

I if e .

L if e

p ro mis e .

I had great

t h e ir

school

the work of almo s t

as tho u gh

the

at

me in t o

from my teac h e r

I was told co n tain ing

inv it e

year

this

D ur inq

I s imp ly

a p p e a re d t o b e my 1 o t .

a wa re in

o v e rn ig h t

t h is

of

a n u n lo c k e d

I o cke r . I w as embarrassed

and a n g ry

occu r .

I never

told

n e r vo u s

at being

found

On e whole year After

da d

Mother

lo ved

si m i l ar m i gh t her

the

type

out .

d r in kin g .

o r a fr iend a n d le a ve

wit h

had rente d

f e lt

she

Of course

it

the

would bring him there

the h o u se and carry

he

th e re .

could

school

a rt

a h o u s e in

a simila r

living

was during

I

a llo win g too

to

t h is

g u ilt y

and

wasted!

home in

that

it .

for

T HA T I CO UL DHA V E B E E N S O S T UP I D!

neighborhood

be happier m i nd

It

any o n e a b o u t

my sad experience

fa ilu r e .

a t my s e lf

g re w type

d id n ' t

time

lik e

a total

t o wn b e c a u s e s h e k n ew

up

in ,

and she

n e ig h b o rh o o d ,

S h e a lwa y s

ma k e h im

I f e lt

h a p p ie r

h a d in so

found

t h in k in g the

a he

b a c k of

h e wo u ld

stop

do any good.

we liv e d

in

him h o me , d e p o s it

t h is

house that

a taxi

h im o n t h e d o o r-s t e p

and mo t h e r a n d I wo u ld h a v e t o g e t h im in t o him up s t a irs .

He wa s a d e a d we ig h t

in t h is

co n d iti on.

His

co n scio usness tr em e n s a fte r

h is

in

the

mid d le

would start.

him.

m o the r

room was rig h t

His

wouldn't

in k.

doctor let

wo u ld

ar t

n ig h t ,

and the

he thought

h a d a d v is e d

h im

the to

He wa s t o t a lly

on o n e o c c a s io n

that

have done anything

to

le a v e

h o me , b u t

was during

this

came out,

time

to

that

le a v e

th e m asked me to

to

run

a wa y wit h

mother

wa s in

so of

a b o t t le

wra c k in g .

I

r h a d n o p la c e

to

o n my o wn .

t wo o f t h e b o y f rie n d s

separa t e ly ,

we r e

out

h e d ra n k

ro o m wa s n e rv e

incap a b le

d e liriu m

d rin k in g

stop

next

utterly

re g a i n

" n ig g e rs "

the

school

of

the

He wo u ld

in

g o an d felt rt

t o min e .

him h a v e a n y mo re .

yelling

His

of

one n ig h t

m ind and so frantic

of

next

v is it

me .

them I

r h a d at

Ha d e it h e r

one

r wo u ld

have

h a v in g

two

t h in k

gone. same year

Th is

ho u se s built

on the River

w he r e we lived ki nd

put

they

own specifications. othe r .

I

th e r e .

It

Ro a d a t t h e o t h e r

when r was s ma l1 . up a wall

at

she

may h a v e

was a beautiful

lit . t le

of

e n d o f t h e p ro p e rry

T h e y we re p re f a b ric a t e d ,

a t ime .

she re n t e d

guess

p ro c e s s

the

T h e y we re c e s ig n e d

one out t h o u g rh t

t he to

a n d we mo v e in t o d a d wo u ld

h o u s e wit h

t h re e

be

h er t he

h a p p ie r

b e d ro o ms a n d

two b a ths , al 1 e1 ectric. By this

time

Westche ster, Cornel

1

New Y ork,

campus.

Per r ysb urg. be n e fi ts

my brother

of

connubial

a n d ma rrie d

a g irl

who m h e h a d me t a t a p re p s c h o o l

They

Little

h a d e lo p e d

did

we re

liv in g

I know that

bliss .

in

a

re n t e d

I t o o wa s s o o n t o

f ro m on the

house

in

re a p t h e

I was feeling a jo b

and no way to a part

secu r e d

spa sm o dically d in in g

very

w i th in

job

worked at.

room as a hostess

two

years

the next

liv in g

contr ib u t e

time

w he r e George again o ve r

guilt y

walked

here

a t h o me a t

a n y mo n e y t o

a s a d e p a rt me n t

in t o

the

he wa s a g a in .

week my lif e

L it t le

c le rk

I

wh ic h

in t o wo rk in t h e ir

n o o n h o u rs

my lif e .

I

t h e h o u s e h o ld .

s t o re

T h e n I wa s c a lle d d u rin g

a g e 2 2 wit h o u t

After d id

and that

is

an absence

of

I

k n o w t h at

wo u ld b e c h a n g e d f o re v e r.