200312 Newsletter

QUEENSLAND BUSHWALKERS CLUB Newsletter

74 Kallista Rd. Rochedale South QLD 4123 Email [email protected] Phone No (07) 3341 7509 www.geocities.com/qldbwc

December 2003

Lightning Falls Circuit

Club News Incorporation

Newsletter

At the committee meeting 25/11/03 the management committee decided that that it would be in the best interests of all members for the Club to incorporate. The management committee also decided to adopt the Model Rules as prescribed under the Regulations and put out by the Office of Fair Trading.

There will be no Newsletter in January 2004. It is difficult to produce the Newsletter in January due to the fact that many people in the Club are away for holidays.

Under the Club’s present constitution any alteration of club rules and direction requires a resolution carried by a simple majority at a meeting of the Club committee and then by a two-thirds majority at any General Meeting. Another change was that the Club financial year would end on the 30th June each year, not 31st January as at present. This will make the Club financial year match the insurance cover year and thus avoid any overlap. It would also possibly avoid having to have the books audited over the Christmas holiday period. These proposed changes will be put to the vote at the AGM to be held on the 2nd of March 2004. A full list of the proposed changes will appear in the February Newsletter. Please read these carefully. Members will be asked to vote on whether the Club should incorporate or not and also whether to adopt the Model Rules. If in the meantime you have any questions, then please ask any committee member.

The next Newsletter will be in February. I would like to thank all contributors to the Newsletter. Thank you for the write-ups, photos and funny jokes. I wish you all a very joyous Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Comings and Goings Amanda G is off to Egypt. She plans to walk up Mt Sinai. Trevor and Dianne C. have just returned from a trip to South Australia. The big question is, “Did they do any walking?” Peter P. is in Great Britain at the moment. He will be doing some ballooning in the London area. Also he will be in northern Scotland bagging some Munroes. A Munroe is any mountain in Scotland that's 3,000 feet or higher. Scotland has 284 Munroes. Peter is quite capable of climbing all of them in a weekend, as anyone who has walked with him knows. Barbara, Paul, Frank, Linda, David H., David R., Richard, Patricia, Jenny and Fran will be walking in the remote regions of Tasmania over the Christmas/New Year period.

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General Information

Management Committee

Membership Membership is still only $20 per year. The present Club financial year finishes on the 31st of January 2004. Before a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must become a Probationary or Ordinary Member or be a member of an affiliated club. Members of another bushwalking club affiliated with the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs or another State Federation are covered for Insurance. Probationary Membership To become a Probationary Member, a person pays $10.00 to a member of the committee or to a walk leader. Walk leaders are authorized to collect the $10.00. The committee member or walk leader will note the name of the person and that he/she has paid the $10.00. A Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Member by their second walk.

Secretary Treasurer Outings Secretary Membership Officer Social Secretary Training Officer Editor

Dianne Cox Linda Hellmuth Barbara Makepeace Steve Hill Paul Makepeace David Haliczer Richard Kolarski

3273 3484(H) 3395 0754(H) 3245 2186 (H) 0408 952 975 3245 2186 (H) 3879 8334(H) 3341 7509(H)

Other Voluntary Positions Equipment Officer Supper Convenor Federation Rep FMR Reps (2)

Steve Moyle Margaret Smith Richard Kolarski David Haliczer Richard Kolarski

3800 3963(H) 3886 3342(H) 3341 7509(H) 3879 8334(H) 3341 7509(H)

Campsite Monitors Ratatat Hut

A Probationary Member can become an Ordinary Member by filling out a membership form and handing it to a committee member or walk leader and paying a further $10.00.

Barbara Makepeace Ed Thistlethwaite

Running Creek Falls

Richard Kolarski Gary Woodward

Ordinary Membership

Throakban

A person who is not a member can become an Ordinary Member straight away by filling out a membership form and handing the form to a committee member or walk leader and paying $20.00.

Kerry de Clauzel Trevor Smith

Mt Superbus & Spicers Peak

Christine Harrison Cliff Harrison

FOR SALE

Meeting Place General Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of each month at the East Brisbane State School, corner of Stanley Street and Wellington Road, starting at 7:30pm. There is parking within the school grounds off Wellington Road. Consult a street directory, as there are a number of one-way streets in the area. Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits provided after the meeting.

Binoculars. 10x25 range is 101m/1000m. $25 They are fairly light and fold into a carry pouch. The pouch measurement is 8cmx10cm and the binoculars have a thin strap that would go around your neck. Phone Jenny on 0417 766 601 or email [email protected] Variety of Bushwalking Gear

Equipment for Hire The Club has a backpack (suitable for use as a day or through pack) for hire at $5.00 per week. QBW is also looking at purchasing further equipment in the near future. Any suggestions for equipment to buy would be appreciated. Also any person who has surplus equipment and would like to donate or sell to the Club, please contact Steve Moyle on 3800 3963.

Binoculars, self-inflating mattress with cover to convert to chair, torches, clothing (Polartec), water containers, dry sack for swim throughs. Call Peter for more details on 0400 573 323

Editors Pic

Bivy Bag/Pack Liners for Sale The Club has purchased a quantity of pack liners from VicWalk suitable for through packs. They are 2 metres by 0.9 metres in a bright orange colour. The packliners can double as an emergency bivvy bag and have helpful information printed on them. They are available from the Club for $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00.

New Members Peter Gardener

Graham Ireland

Andrew O’Brien

Steve Pritchett

Mary Sherlock

Phyllis Wheatland

No of Ordinary Members

126

Hijinks in the Bush

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Special Coming Events

Coming Socials

Cania Gorge Easter 2004

QBW Christmas Party

Duration: - From Easter Saturday evening 10 April 04 to the morning of Thursday the 15th April 04.

Our Christmas party will be held at Binna Burra this year on the weekend of Friday 5th, Saturday 6th and Sunday 7th December.

We are booked into the Cania Gorge Retreat Caravan Park. This is approximately 13 km's from Monto and only 900 meters from the Gorge.

We have booked the Environmental Education Centre for the weekend. The Environmental Education Centre is the house on the left as you drive up to the campground at Binna Burra and has a large grass slope in front of it. It includes a bunkhouse which has 4 rooms sleeping 36 people total. The cost of 2 nights accommodation in the bunkhouse is $20 per person.

From Brisbane allowing for fuel and food stops it is about a 6 1/2 hour drive. The distance is around the 500 km mark. Please note! Pets are allowed on application so if you wish to bring a pet please phone June or Lisa (Park Owners) to confirm that it is all right. Tel: (07) 4167 8110 Map: - Cania

Sheet 9048-1-SE 1:25,000

There are other options including camping, permanent tents and the Lodge. If you require this type of accommodation please book and pay for this yourself. To book your bunk accommodation please pay $20 to the Treasurer, Linda Hellmuth as soon as possible.

This is a base camp. There will not be any through walks, therefore only a daypack is required.

The Education Centre has a large room with fridge and small kitchen, patio with fireplace, gas BBQ for our sole use and we share the campground toilet/shower block. You will have to bring your own food, plates, cutlery and sleeping bag. On Saturday there will be a walk - Daves Creek Circuit. We will finish early so that we can have drinks and nibblies on the patio. We have a sit down dinner booked for the Coffee Shop at 6pm on Saturday night. The cost of the meal is $27.50 per person and it is a set menu with the choice of either: A: Pumpkin Soup, Roast Beef and Vegetables and Apple Strudel Elephant Head at Cania Gorge

B: Potato and Leek Soup, Fish, Chips and Salad and Pavlova

It is anticipated that the walks will start no later than 8.00am so as to beat the heat of the day and to be back at the base camp by mid afternoon. The hardest walk of the 4-day period is rated as 4-4. From the Caravan Park, 3 of the walks start and end here. The 4th walk will require the use of some of the vehicles depending on the number of people coming to Cania Gorge. If anyone is requiring a lift I have room available, I also have some gear that I may be able to lend if someone needs to borrow certain items. I need to know who is coming by no later than the 15th January 04 so that I can book accommodation and pay a deposit. Please contact me on (07) 3800 3963 Mobile: 0418 678 465

Steve Moyle

The cost of the dinner includes corkage, as it is BYO wine only. On Sunday there will be a BBQ breakfast (BYO). We hope to organise some games for the morning, but there is the option of an abseil or flying fox which would be conducted by Binna Burra Lodge and would involve a fee. If there is enough interest shown in these activities we will find out prices and times. Money for accommodation and the dinner can be paid at the next club meeting or posted to QBW.

Bushwalking Australia Inc On 1 October 2003 Bushwalking Australia Inc came into being. This was after years of negotiation by the peak bushwalking bodies from each state to establish an Australian national bushwalking federation. There are issues affecting bushwalkers which extend beyond state boundaries and which could be better handled by a national body. Some of these issues are:

New Zealand - South Island 14th February to 7th March 2004. Cliff & Christine Harrison who are experienced bushwalkers are planning this extended trip An 11 day through-walk in Nelson Lakes National Park plus possibility of the Heaphy Track &/or another in the same region. Those genuinely interested, please contact us by Email: [email protected] or Phone 5429 5494.

Insurance. Insurance is already handled nationally. VicWalk currently arranges it on behalf of all states. However, the policy is currently written in terms of a fictitious national body. Setting up a genuine national body will regularise this aspect of the national insurance scheme. Accreditation of leaders. There have been indications in the past that ill-conceived accreditation schemes might be forced upon bushwalkers from a national level. The national bushwalking federation will be able to represent bushwalkers at a national level.

Hinchinbrook Island 21-25 June 2004 We have a permit for 5 people to climb Mt Bowen (1121m) on Hinchinbrook Island. Hinchinbrook is Australia’s largest island national park. Only a limited number of people are allowed on the island every day to walk the Thorsborne Trail. Even fewer are allowed to climb the peaks.

The basic principles behind Bushwalking Australia Inc are:

Come and join me on this special walk on this pristine, rugged and challenging island.

It will only handle genuine national issues. The national body should avoid involvement in issues which are best handled at a state level. It will be minimal. The body should be no larger than that required to perform its functions.

Contact Richard on 3341 7509 for more information.

It will have as its members the single peak bushwalking body from each state. There will be no clubs or individuals as members. The members will provide delegates who will run the national body.

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Past Walks Black Canyon

5-7 September 2003

Four sturdy bushwalkers met at 8.00pm at O'Reillys for this walk with a difference. Even though it is possible to reach Black Canyon by a day walk, this two-day and one night walk was an alternative. We began our walk along the Border Track by torchlight. The moon was up but not enough light penetrated down to the rainforest track. As we approached Echo Point we saw hundreds of glowworms beside the track. This was the first of many of Natures splendors that we saw that weekend. At Echo Point we set up the tents and settled in for the night. We were up early the next morning, had breakfast and got underway quickly. Soon we arrived at the Mt Worendo turnoff. The track across Mt Worendo is mostly taped and clear to see but in a few spots we had to scout around for the correct route. The second of nature's splendors revealed itself to us along the track. We saw three different types of orchids in full bloom. We dallied a bit taking photos and by late morning we were in the Lost World saddle. Here we set up our tents and descended to the Albert River. We followed the river upstream and had to wade through Red Rock Cutting, which was made more difficult by a large recently fallen tree. The water by the way was just above freezing and we waded through as quickly as possible. We had to get up a small waterfall where we all got up after a few slips.

Girraween T/W

27-28 September 2003

Friday night and a hail warning for all points south of Toowoomba, "Keep your self and your car undercover" ran the storm reports on the radio. Just what you want to hear when you're off for a weekend's walk. They weren't telling fibs either, it was still long before sundown, and we were still a long way from Ipswich when the skies turned the colour of India ink and opened up. It bucketed down, easing gradually as we headed west. Fortunately by the time we reached Cunningham's gap and the aroma of the recent fires there was no hint of rain left. Just bits of tree and rock scattered on the road. The rest of the drive down was uneventfully ordinary, especially the exceptionally ordinary meal at the Warwick Caltex, and we were snug in our tents at Castle Rock camping area at a civilized hour. Just as well because the children in the surrounding tents were up at an uncivilized hour the next morning leaving us no option but to have breakfast and head off on schedule. The first leg was along the dirt road to the Underground River car park, but from there on it was all wilderness. According to the rangers there was just ourselves and a school group bush camping in the park, and the kids were stopping at Underground River. The weather had been too dry for a profusion of wildflowers but there were more than enough ground orchids to provide distraction along this section of track, and stopping and discussing them made it an easy walk to Underground River. While a couple of us did the obligatory crawl through the underground bit a bearded dragon was pretending that Patricia was a tree and trying to get at her morning tea! There were a few big lizards around, sunning themselves and in no hurry to go anywhere. From Underground River we followed the ridge up to the Aztec Temple, a large rock formation which offers panoramic views. We found an excellent lunch spot here from which we could preview our walking for the next day and a half. Hard to believe that we were going to be the only ones taking advantage of that entire area, especially given that it was school holidays. Anyway that was other's loss not ours.

Thunder and Lightning behind us

We passed some further small waterfalls until we came to nature's third splendor, Black Canyon. Here Thunder and Lightning Falls drop down into a narrow chasm. We had lunch, took photos and explored a bit before heading back. The water was just as cold as before and we were all happy when we completed the compulsory wades through the cutting.

Blown away on Billy Goat Hill

After lunch we traversed down from the temple. There were no Aztecs at home, however we saw quite a few rock orchids in this area. We retrieved our through packs which we had closeted We camped that night and the next day retraced our steps back under some boulders and followed a compass march to Billy across Mt Worendo. At Echo Point we stopped for morning tea Goat Hill. Somehow we managed to come out exactly where we and to gaze at the magnificent view of Mt Warning and were supposed to at the bottom of the route up. Billy Goat Hill is surrounds. We disturbed a small red-bellied black snake sunning one of the large granite outcrops that characterize Girraween itself. and it's an interesting climb. There were no billy goats today, probably because the wind had blown them away. It would be an It was then a two-hour walk back to O'Reillys for lunch before understatement to say that the wind was brisk; in fact it would be heading home. an understatement to say that it was a roaring gale up there. The Many thanks to Ken and the two Daves for sharing this walk with only billy goats present were those silly enough to make the me. Richard ascent but the view was excellent. Page 4 of 8

Lightning Falls Circuit

28 September 2003

Weather: fine day with the air temperature: varying from quite cool to warm. Starting time: 0830 hrs. Return time: 1530 hrs Starting point: O'REILLYS car park Route: Along Border track before entering the Albert River Circuit and back. Number of waterfalls: 10. Number of lookouts: 3. Total walking distance: approx. 21 kms. 13 walkers at start & finish: Lynne, Judy, Margaret, Suzanne, Phyllis, Noelene, Rita, Suzana, Fran, John, Bob, Stan, and Michael. Number of 'first time' walkers: 2. Animals sighted: can't remember. Group photos taken: 2 shots. Complaints received: none. Watering hole (Coffee shop): Alpaca place down the road where the young ones (Alpacas) offered the entertainment for the day.

Cavaliers at the Roundhouse

Back at the base of Billy Goat Hill we followed a fire trail for a while then cut across country to the Roundhouse, an interesting two story stone cottage on a large rock slab hidden behind the Twins (another large granite outcrop). Michael checked upstairs, but there was no wolf in grandma's clothing or gingerbread children as might be expected of unexpected cottages in the wilderness. There are some hidden rock holes nearby though, in the otherwise dry creek bed, and we clambered down into them for water. The water looks a little dirty but it appears to come from a soak, and not to be stagnant. Its actually very cool and quite refreshing, I've never had a problem with it but we purified it anyway, (there are wild pigs in this area so I'd always purify any water).

Comments: thanks to everyone for coming along.

Christmas Creek

Michael

4 October 2003

Seven adventurous men met at 7am at McDonalds Beaudesert for another day in the unknown. After introductions I was feeling a little intimidated by these rather fit looking young men. The walk started at the end of the road at Christmas Creek. Two of our new walkers were keen to lead on to Westray's grave. The first lasted only five minutes. After losing the track and coping a fair amount of flack from his mates, another took over. This set the mood for a jovial day. I must say I learnt some colourful saying on this walk, none of which can be put into print.

Anyway the day was getting on as we climbed the twins and then made camp for the night; from camp we had excellent views both of the sunset while we supped elevenses, and of the sunrise the next morning, which we could enjoy from the luxury of our tents. Luxury indeed as it got VERY cold as soon as the sun disappeared. So chilly that even the incredible display of stars couldn't keep us up too late. The next day there was a combination of scratchy scrub bashing and wide open granite slabs as we cut across country to Mt Norman. I think I mentioned earlier that there are pigs in this area, well I should have said "b****y big porkers", and they just happened to be doing their piggy things right on our compass march, necessitating a bit of a detour. But wild boars are best avoided. It was then just a couple of granite slabs and a ferny gully and we were on our way up to Mt Norman and lunch. All those who wanted to do so had already done the ascent up the tree, chimney and leap of faith that represents the route to the summit so we put in the time crawling around the caves under Norman instead. These are really just passages created by huge fallen boulders but it is surprising how far you can crawl. Mind you the passage that I was enticed to follow out was something less than designed for those of us with a robust figure, and at one point I was wondering if I wouldn't have to hang around while I went on a diet, but squeeze through I did. From there it was a simple matter of following the tourist walking track back to Castle Rock camping area. One of the nicest things about finishing a walk at Girraween is that you have the luxury of a hot shower before the drive home. Mind you that didn't stop me having a hot bath at home as well! All in all I think it was a good walk with excellent views and no surprises other than a few wild pigs, and we got to sample a variety of the best of what Girraween had to offer. Trevor

Westray’s Grave

Reaching Westray's grave and consulting our map, I realized five of our seven had not been to the Stinson Wreck and wanted to do so. I had no previous intentions of going there, but altered our plans to accommodate. Everyone got involved in the discussions and studying our course. I felt much at ease as all these blokes were as keen as mustard. We were on our way again into the unknown. Fifty metres ahead we turned right into our creek, which I later named Easter Creek (well it wasn't Christmas Creek was it). At this point I became a little anxious as it was here that Richard and Patricia had tried this before and had turned back because the creek was too scungy. If only they had gone another hundred metres, they would have stepped into paradise. The walk up Easter Creek was breathtaking. We walked beside the creek for most of the way. It was unspoilt, with rocky cascades and the flora in mint condition. The previous rains had refreshed everything. The walk up the creek was not that difficult, probably a grade 4.

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After an hour's walk we came to our first waterfall, not large but spectacular. Our morning tea break. Trevor scouted ahead and found another waterfall a little further up the creek. We left our packs and went up to explore. This spot was extremely pretty. The walls beside the falls were coal black in colour with a good rock pool under the falls. Unfortunately it was too cold for a swim. We then headed back to collect our packs, as this was our exit point to ascend the climb to the Stinson, three hundred metres straight up. Richard led the way, I was quite happy to take a back seat, after all six ahead of me made my climb a little easier. Make sure you remove all the lawyer vine boys! My grading for the climb would probably be a grade 6-7. After having to negotiate a few rocky outcrops, the climb to the top probably took us about an hour. We hit the main track just below the Stinson campsite. On to the Stinson Wreck then back to the campsite for lunch.

No Worries on Warrie Circuit

Canyon Lookout was a welcome site. Breathtaking views.

Lunch was cut short as it started to rain. The descent to Christmas Creek was very slippery but everyone remained in a jovial mood. I don't know about anyone else, but for me walking in the rain has a very surreal feeling to it.

A couple more lookouts, photo session and next stop Tallanbana picnic area. (Two of our group had extra passengers - leeches.)

Back to our vehicle's and home. For me this was a great walk with great company. Thanks fellas. Hope to see you on another walk. Many thanks. Ken Walters

What a great day – thank you for joining us. Bob and Danuta

Warrie Circuit

5 October 2003

Warrie is the longest track walk in the area and it follows the base of the canyon cliffs and then descends into the depths of the rainforest. We commenced our walk from Tallanbana picnic area. The track was a little moist in some areas this day. Leaf litter, wait-a-while, a profusion of "orchids", and seedpods covered our track. A few stops to take in the quiet atmosphere. A few hours into the walk we had a brief shower - this only added to our experience. Lunch was a pleasant interlude and onwards. Zig-zagging our way through the rainforest we came to an abrupt halt… the leader's shout let everyone know that there was something amiss. This carpet snake was not going to move for a while so around we went. Towards the end of the walk there are a number of steps. Just when you think you have finished with them there is another set of steps. Push on and up.

We all decided that we deserved a "coffee/hot chocolate/maybe cake". Did you know – “Millions of years ago, today’s Mt Warning (visible from Spring brook and many other local parks) was at the centre of a volcano. The volcano eroded, leaving behind a solid lava plug that Captain Cook named Mt Warning. Springbrook’s original 1911 school house is today an information centre where you can learn all about the park and its inhabitants.” (Extract: EPA website www.env.qld.gov.au)

Mt Bithongabel Lookout

12 October 2003

Thirteen walkers including 2 new members left the car park at O'Reillys at 9 o'clock on a fine but cool day. The return walk, a distance of approx 14 km was expected to take about four hours. A very easy stroll along the border track till we reached our destination. A twenty-minute brunch, it was too cold to stay still for long & then a steady walk back to our starting point. It was a good social walk, nothing challenging, just a good day finishing up at the Alpaca tearooms. Thanks to everyone for making it such a good day. John

Panoramas It’s a big wide world out there and the only way sometimes to see it all is to take a panorama shot. Enjoy!

Panorama from Mt Barney. Mt Ernest is on the right and Mt Lindesay in the distance. Taken by Steve Hill

Panorama from the Border Track looking towards Mt Warning. Taken by Richard Kolarski

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Snippets of Corn

Jokes A Christmas Story Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates”. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols".

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A Moral Story An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, what a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start!”

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

A Shred of Truth

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confuse. "Need some help?" a secretary asked.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?” "Simple." she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" A Hunting Story A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. What is your date of birth? July 15th. What year? Every year.

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A Pun my Word!

Graffiti

A good pun is its own reword.

Up with down!

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Hard work never hurt anyone. But why take the chance?

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Everybody is entitled to my opinion.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

About the only thing free of charge these days is a flat battery.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Notice: National Procrastination week has been postponed till next month.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

The Tourist's Prayer

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble obedient tourist servants who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, sending postcards and buying souvenirs. We beseech you, O Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight luggage goes unnoticed. Give us this day divine guidance in our selection of hotels. We pray that the telephones work and that the operators speak our language.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants where the wine is included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Make the natives love us for what we are and not what we can contribute to their worldly goods. Grant us the strength to visit the museums, cathedrals, palaces, and if we skip an historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for our flesh is weak.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Crazy English 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

Dear God, protect our wives from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.

2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object.

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in nightclubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do. And when our voyage is over, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our holiday snaps and listen to our stories, so that our lives as tourists will not have been in vain. Amen. Art Buchwald in Los Angeles Times Just Plane Sick

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

A little guy gets on an airplane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy's sitting there looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the-little guy, "Are you feeling better now?"

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in an eggplant nor ham in hamburger and a pineapple contains neither apple nor pine.

For Women Only Never do housework. Men never make love because the house was spotless.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Among the paradoxes are that quicksand usually works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. You ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit "START"?

Never let a man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-ityourself types. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right. I'll stay the night". Page 8 of 8