137814 Murphys Laws

If anything can go wrong, it will. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Mother nature is a bitch. The Murphy Philosophy Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws Everything goes wrong all at once. Murphy's Constant Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value Murphy's Law of Research Enough research will tend to support your theory. Addition to Murphy's Laws In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you think. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Every solution breeds new problems. The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. You will always find something in the last place you look. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. The other line always moves faster. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought. If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up. If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Penza's law about math's lessons: The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson. Where patience fails, force prevails. If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it. If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face. When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested. Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.

Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect; Whatever you do will always come back. If you re-act to actions, you've acted on actions. He who angers you controls you, there-fore you have no control over your anger. Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again. Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone. The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress. No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string. (getting everyone in the family to the car at the same time for example) The fish are always biting....yesterday! The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind. Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten. The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks. When you see see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in. Or in another version The light at the end of the tunnel is a train Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want. Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it. Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be. The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is. Crespins law of observation: the probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers. A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation. If you say something, and stake your reputation on it, you will lose your reputation. Where patience fails, force prevails. Waxman's Law: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

Skarstad's Observation You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost. If authority was mass, stupidity would be gravity. LOVE: * All the good ones are taken. * If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1) * The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. * Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. * The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. * Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. * The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it. * Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. * Nice guys (girls) finish last. * If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. * Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else. * The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. * Nothing improves with age. * No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. * Sex has no calories. * Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. * There is no remedy for sex but more sex. * Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. * No sex with anyone in the same office. * Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. * A man in the house is worth two in the street. * If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. * Virginity can be cured. * When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. * The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. * Sex is dirty only if it's done right. * It is always the wrong time of month. * The best way to hold a man is in your arms. * When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. * Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. * Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. * The younger the better. * The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. * It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. * Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. * Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. * There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. * Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. * Love is a hole in the heart.

* If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. * Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. * Do it only with the best. * Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. * One good turn gets most of the blankets. * You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. * Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. * It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. * Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. * Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. * Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. * Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. * A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. * What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. * It is better to be looked over than overlooked. * Never say no. * A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. * Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. * Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. * Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. * A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. * Love comes in spurts. * The world does not revolve on an axis. * Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. * Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. * Don't do it if you can't keep it up. * There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. * Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. * Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. * "This won't hurt, I promise." * Nothing improves with age. * An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part". * When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen. * hen that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears. * It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one. * Love and high-school must NEVER go together. * If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong? * Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will * It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex * You get the best sex from the worst one for you * Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed * No one is as fascinating as they think * If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't. o Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail. * The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to he importance of person to you. * The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. * The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.

* Love makes believers of us all. o translation: Love obscures common sense. * Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague. LAW: # The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it! # Court will be scheduled in the middle of your day off. # Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift. # Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud. # The Mayor will get arrested for DWI the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase. # Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts. # To err is human, to forgive is against department policy. # You will find a "police discount" one day before payday. # You will remain in perfect health until your days off. # No patrol car assigned to you will be clean or ever have a full tank of gas. # Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break. # The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you. # Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day. # Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours. # Your loudest traffic violator will be related to the Sheriff, or the Mayor. # You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions. # Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy. # NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet. # Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way. # You will never get a bomb threat, or a barricade call until the specialized squads are away on training. # The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. # Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done. # Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder. # You receive a subpoena for the Mayor's DWI trial, the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation. # In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks. # Do unto others, but do it first. # Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway. # Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat. # Waterproof boots aren't. # Freebies will only arrive at the station on your days off. # There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives. # You are ALWAYS downwind from OC Spray. # To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible! # Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty. # The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee! # No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea........usually the Chief's. # If your patrol car's air conditioning is out, the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog. # The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. # The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. # There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and

miss. # All great discoveries are made by mistake. # The first myth of management is that it exists. # After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. # The only perfect science is hindsight. # If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. # If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. # The best things in the world are free--and worth every penny of it. # If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. # Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. # The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. # Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. # Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. MILITARY: * Friendly fire - isn't. * Recoilless rifles - aren't. * Suppressive fires - won't. * You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. * A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. * If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. * Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. * If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. * If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. * Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. * Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. * Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. * If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. * The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. * The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. * No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. * There is no such thing as a perfect plan. * Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. * There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. * A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. * The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. * The easy way is always mined. * Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. * Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. * Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. * If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. * When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. * Incoming fire has the right of way. * No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. * No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. * If the enemy is within range, so are you. * The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. * Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. * Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. * Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. * Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

* Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. * Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. * Tracers work both ways. * If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. * When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. * Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. * Military Intelligence is a contradiction. * Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. * Weather ain't neutral. * If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. * Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. * 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. * The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. * Napalm is an area support weapon. * Mines are equal opportunity weapons. * B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. * Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. * Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The one item you need is always in short supply. * Interchangeable parts aren't. * It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. * When in doubt, empty your magazine. * The side with the simplest uniforms wins. * Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. * If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation. * If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together. * Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. * Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. * The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. * The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. * If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. * There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. * If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. * You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them. * Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. * Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it. * So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse. * The side with the simplest uniform wins... * The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio. * The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position. * Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games? * How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another? * Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside? * Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find

them when they step in deep water. * The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!! * The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!! Murphy's Law The Army Weather Corollaries * Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. * A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. * The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4. * There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. * There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. * Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. * Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. * Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap? * The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. * Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. * The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. * The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex. * If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder. Rules of the Rucksack 1. 2. 3. 4.

No No No No

matter matter matter matter

how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small. how small, a rucksack is always too heavy. how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want. what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law: Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. Weatherwax's Postulate: The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy. Least Credible Sentences: 1. The check is in the mail. 2. The trucks will be on the drop zone. 3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you. Brintnall's Second Law: If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both. Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:

1. Refute the last established recommendation. 2. Add yours. 3. Pass the paper on. Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until after you need it. Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything. Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts): You get the most of what you need the least. Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get. Murphy's Teaching Laws * The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong. * Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room. * A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students. * The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students. * A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces. * Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed. * The problem child will be a school board member's son. * When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall. * If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting. * New students come from schools that do not teach anything. * Good students move away. * When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed". * The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates. * The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years. * The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time. * Clocks will run more quickly during free time. * On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent * If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state. * Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation. Weiner's Law of Libraries There are no answers, only cross references. Laws of Class Scheduling * If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.

* Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes. o Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus. * A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course. Laws of Applied Terror * When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. * The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want * Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read. * The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. * If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live. * At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending. First Law of Final Exams Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during math final. Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective. Second Law of Final Exams

the

In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class sit next to you for the first time.

will

Seeger's Law Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Natalie' Law of Calculus You never catch on until after the test. Seit's Law of Higher Education The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester. Rule of the Term Paper The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will missing from the library. Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.

be

Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source. Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work. Rominger's Rules for Students

* The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it. * The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later. Hansen's Library Axiom The closest library doesn't have the material you need. London's Law of Libraries No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf. Rominger's Rules for Teachers * When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book. * If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before. Penza's law about math's lessons The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.